I finally finished my annual holiday letter, both briefly and not-so-briefly summarizing the events in my life for mid-December, 2001, to mid-December, 2002. If you'd like to take a look at it, you can read it by clicking on the following link (or copying it and pasting it into your browser):

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife/files/Holiday%20Letter%202002.doc

Warmly,
Michael

Sunday, 11/10/02

My life seems to me like an on-going series of highlights lately. How things have changed for me in a year! A year ago at this time I was back in Seattle for the second phase of my move and, other than Leap of Faith, pet sitting, and Mary O�Malley�s group, I wasn�t involved in much.

A week ago Friday at my Power of Now group only 2 of us showed up. That turned out to be perfect. After doing a meditation and some introductory talk about the topics for the evening, T and I got into a talk about our relationship.

I had some withholds with her that I needed to reveal in order to feel clear with her. One of them, for example, was that I feel attracted to her and that I also don�t feel inclined toward a romantic or sexual relationship with her. If I'm going to have any kind of close relationship with a woman, I seem to need to talk about whatever attraction I have to her. Otherwise it feels like a sticky energy field hanging in the space between us, and every interaction I have with her passes through that. Once I talk about it, the energy changes and it goes onto a back burner (mixing metaphors).

I notice that I wrote about that from the consciousness of psychological time, bringing the past into the Now and talking as if Now is always the same as then was. I'm really getting this Power of Now stuff. Of course, that it�s similar to what we did in Mary�s group for years and to what I experienced via A Course in Miracles and to what I�ve learned in quite a few other places contributes to my getting it. But there�s something about Now that it�s taking in me. I'm beginning to realize, really get it, that the past doesn�t control my Now, that I can make any choice in the Now, that I don�t have to be consistent with what was in an earlier now.

Anyway, the most important thing that came from my talk with T reminded me of what happened with C (you probably know who I mean if you�ve been reading my letters since this past summer). Translating into my language for it, she said that sometimes there�s something about my energy that feels threatening. What I believe about feedback is that it�s always about the consciousness of the perceiver and that, if similar feedback comes from 2 or more people, odds are that it�s also valuable feedback (though possibly a carnival mirror version) for me.

So, I'm investigating what in me might feel threatening to some women (or maybe even to some people). If it�s there (and I suspect that it probably is), it must be an expression of a disowned subpersonality. What arises is that I carry anger about some women having rejected me and treated me �like nothing� (how my ego-mind has interpreted it). Thus, if I feel attracted to a woman, it�s possible that my pain body leaks that into the current relationship without my awareness (or conscious intention). And it�s also possible that my ego-mind leaks a desire for revenge (also without my awareness or conscious intention) into the Now. That feels accurate, much to my chagrin. Okay, what to do about it? I'm asking my guidance, not you or other people. I wonder if bringing it to my awareness and acknowledging it will shift it.

For the past 2 Saturday evenings, I showed a video of an Eckhart Tolle workshop at Unity Santa Fe for anyone who wanted to come and see it. It�s been fun watching it with other people. I notice that whenever I�ve put my attention into his consciousness (by reading, by facilitating my group, by listening to his audio tapes, or by watching his videos), I�ve also moved more into that consciousness. I�ve become more present, more peaceful, quieter in my consciousness. For whatever reason, it�s very powerful for me.

There�s a lot that�s meaningful in the first tape, but one thing stood out for me above everything else (this time, at least). Eckhart talked about how we invest our identity in various aspects of our mind and our past and that we try to use that to appear to be special and important (my words for it). Some of you know that this is an issue I�ve been facing in a variety of different guises for a long time. I�ve been reluctant to take back some of my work because of how much I had my identity invested in it � how much I did it for the applause and the sense of importance it gave me instead of just because it was what was mine to do. I needed it to make me somebody. Sounds like another aspect of the issue I mentioned with women and how they treated me in the past, doesn�t it?

There have also been things I wouldn�t do in the past because they wouldn�t (in my perception) contribute to my being a special somebody. So I'm now choosing to do things that to my ego-mind seem beneath me, unimpressive � the kinds of things a nobody would do. And I'm learning to be at peace with being a nobody. Interestingly enough, in the second of the videos, Eckhart talked about that, too, and about how he doesn�t see himself as anybody special.

Okay, I admit it. I'm a nobody. And if people don�t appreciate me just for who I am, without all the mind identifications of importance, then so be it. My ego-mind says that I�ve doomed myself to be alone and isolated and disregarded. And I find sadness arising within my pain body as I notice that. All my life my ego-mind has told me that the only way to be cared about and noticed was to impress people, and here I am giving that up.

What comes next is oddly synchronistic. This past week�s theme in our Power of Now series at Unity Santa Fe has been relationships. In her lesson last Sunday morning, Brendalyn talked about putting herself out there to risk whatever may come from being open to a romantic relationship. I identified and felt inspired to do the same. And what arose in my consciousness? The belief that I'm not impressive enough right now for anyone I�d want to be with to want me, too. My ego-mind can recite a whole litany of �I'm not ___ enough to be loved by the kind of woman I want to be with.�

So, I ask myself, am I looking for a woman who�s impressive? That�s a question to hang out with, not to answer immediately.

Jumping lightly to something a lot less emotionally triggering for me . . . I�ve been loving all the snow we�ve been having lately. It�s snowed several times. Last Monday I had 3� of it on my car when I went out to go to work. Of course, it melted by the afternoon, as it apparently often does here. I felt great joy, though, driving to work and seeing the snow on the ground and the trees and the mountains all around. There�s something nearly ecstatic for me every day when I drive to work and see directly in front of me the mountains covered with snow. They really aren�t far off � literally a matter of minutes away. My heart sings in response to snow covered mountains.

The world, however, has been offering my ego-mind lots of opportunities to raise my pain body into my face. Pres. Bush is pushing war, and Walter Cronkite is predicting World War III. To this long-time peace activist (since the days of the Viet Nam war), that�s very emotionally upsetting. Paul Wellstone�s death (and, I suspect, murder; there�s significant evidence that suggests that to me) has brought up lots of feelings. And then the election . . . my mind can�t fathom how people could possibly have elected many of the people they did. It�s sent me off projecting a lot of disappointing and even disastrous consequences in this country and in the world.

What an opportunity to practice being in the Now. And so I pay attention to my breath. In the Now, all is well.

On the other hand, the election results were mixed in New Mexico, and some of the people I least wanted in office were not elected. The Green Party did receive enough votes to regain major party status. And the Santa Fe City Council passed a resolution a week ago Wednesday opposing military action against Iraq. I'm grateful to be living in a place that isn�t part of the war mongering. The Council also voted for a resolution directing police to not cooperate with federal authorities under the Patriot Act in cases where in their judgment it violates civil rights guaranteed under the Constitution. This reminds me of my days in Berkeley.

Another challenge that has resulted in my finding myself slipping into the pain body fairly frequently and fairly deeply has been the computers at work not functioning as desired (an understatement) at work. Ego-mind would have me blame circumstances and events for that, all the while gloating at its success.

Fortunately I work with people who are also into The Power of Now. We help each other remember. One day, in the midst of the possible loss of significant data on our computer, one of my coworkers called for us all to go into the Now for a bit. (She just says, "Ring the bell" referring to a set of the Tibetan chimes that we have � like Eckhart uses.) It helped briefly. The pain body can be really tenacious and determined.

Back again to the highlights:

Someone suggested that the e-mail list I began last year for the yearly A Season for Nonviolence might become the international networking list for the project and spoke to the Season director about it. So, tomorrow I'll be writing to her and offering to co-facilitate the list. I also began putting my team together today for this year�s A Season for Nonviolence activities in Santa Fe.

My friend Kerry has offered me a month of free coaching services, and I�ve been taking him up on it. It has been quite valuable for me. Friday (a couple of days ago) I came to an important realization. I�ve been exploring what makes me such a packrat of things, activities, people, and experiences. I have such a difficult time letting go of anything that matters at all to me, even if it interferes with other things that are more important to me. It�s so extreme that I hold onto e-mail that I'll never read, years old magazines, fantasies about relationships that ended long ago or never were long ago, and plans that I'll never have time to follow through with. I discovered 2 important things in my consciousness: First, I fear making the �wrong� choice and being overwhelmed with regret. Clearly a pain body thing. Even more impactful, I realized that I don�t want to face grieving for the things I�d let go of.

And I made a choice to begin letting go and walking into the grief. It feels right under the surface much of the time now.

That�s a highlight for me, you�ll notice.

This past Friday evening my Power of Now group met again. Our theme this week, as I said before, was relationships. The most significant thing that arose for me was that I miss having the kind of close friends that I did in Seattle. I know that it takes time for that, and I know that I�ve already developed lots of casual friends, and I'm still feeling a hole in my life. There�s some of that grieving over letting go of people (at least of being in the same city with them). I committed myself to beginning to develop closer friendships.

The high-impact recognition from part 2 of the Eckhart Tolle video yesterday evening relates to his story about hanging out on a park bench for 2 years while he waited for his enlightenment to take. I realized that I also have a version of sitting on the park bench. From June, 1997, to March, 2002, my version of that was not doing much of any real importance (and having lots of people judge me about that). I, too, was hanging out waiting for some things to take in my consciousness. And now I'm slowly beginning to take things back. Is it really time? We shall see.

Today, after church, I had lunch with M, a friend from Unity Santa Fe and a pet sitting client. See how quickly I move when I really commit to getting closer to people? I was really touched. Her cats and she gave me a gift � a set of Tibetan chimes, something I�ve been wanting for a long time. Now I can �ring the bell� at home or in my workshops and groups.

So, as I said, it�s been quite a week and a half.

And you? How are things with you?

Warmly,
Michael

[If you�d like to be added to my list for receiving my letters or if you�d like to be removed from it, please just e-mail me at ohanamd@earthlink.net and tell me. I'll either add you to the list or else remove you from it, as you request.]

Wednesday, 10/30/2002

Hi ~

For anyone who has the very common misconception about Santa Fe that it�s hot all the time (like Phoenix, I guess), I'll just let you know that it snowed here yesterday. It wasn�t a lot, but I did get about a quarter of an inch of accumulation on my car. There�s snow on all the mountains around, and the Santa Fe Ski Bowl began to build its base for the ski season.

Okay, I'm going to catch you up on the highlights of the past 7 weeks. Why 7 weeks? Because that�s as far back as I can think of highlights that I haven�t already told you about. Or, alternatively, why not?

Before I dip more than an hour into the past, though: I received a message earlier today from a woman who�s involved in Taos Unity. She said that they have a wonderful bunch of folks at Unity Taos. That reminded me of my visit there 5 years ago and of a woman I had a spiritual recognition experience with. Nice memories. And that was about a week after I began the first of my e-mail letters � the predecessors to this one.

Moving right along . . . 7 weeks ago today was 9/11. Can you believe it�s already that long ago? I was at Unity Santa Fe for about 12 hours of the 24-hour prayer vigil, though part of that time I was working. We had someone start off each hour with a reading, song, meditation, or whatever. So, every hour I�d go into the sanctuary for that and then go back to work when they all went back into silence.

But that isn�t what I really wanted to tell you about. One of the hours, I was the �focalizer� for that time. I read excerpts from a speech that had been given by Ohio Congressperson Dennis Kucinich. I love what he has to say, and I thought it was exceptionally relevant to the day. What was most significant for me was what I created about it in my head. I worried (ugh) in advance that people might not appreciate it because it was a bit political (though I took most of the political material out of it), and I even considered reading something else instead. But, in the end, I set my worries aside and offered the Kucinich speech as a stand for my integrity.

Then I really found myself stirring inside when I discovered that Rev. Brendalyn was going to be there for it. I kept looking back at her and imagining she wasn�t liking it and that she was judging me for reading it. Even though it was very spiritual, it WAS a speech by a politician, after all. She didn�t say anything to me that evening � which gave me the opportunity to more deeply explore my worries and my imagining that people (not just her) who are important to me were judging me.

I don�t like that there�s that part of me that worries that people I want to like me and to approve of my actions won�t. But, I stayed with that and came out saying to myself, �If that�s the way it is, I accept it. What was most important was that I acted from my integrity.�

The next day when I saw Brendalyn, she said to me, pretty much in passing, as if it hadn�t really been any big deal, �I liked your reading.� Another lesson in the dysfunctionality of monkey mind � not the first of this nature, but apparently I need them repeatedly.

I told you in an earlier letter that I signed on for a year in the Unity Santa Fe Prayer Chaplain program and that I participated in the weekend training retreat September 13-15. I'm not going to repeat that. Toward the end of September, Brendalyn mentioned to me that we didn�t have anyone to do the Thanksgiving Eve service this year. (She goes on vacation every year at the end of November.) Within a few hours, I�d hatched a plan. I suggested to the Prayer Chaplains that we do the service. After all, when I was a Lay Minister at Unity of Bellevue, the Lay Ministers did the Easter Sunrise Service every year and I had participated in that quite a few times. There were enough of us who were enthusiastic about it that we�re going to do it. So, if you happen to be in Santa Fe Thanksgiving Eve, I invite you to come and experience it.

We had another half day of training on October 12 � the end of the training prior to our confirmation and dedication as official Prayer Chaplains. Then on October 16 I had my interview with Brendalyn that finally determined if I�d be allowed into the program. And, much to my chagrin, I went into some anxiety about it. I couldn�t imagine what she might have to say to me that was negative, and yet I fantasized that there might be something. Again, I just tried to be as present with the anxiety as possible and to keep moving. Perhaps you can guess what happened. She was very positive with me about my participation and about my work there in general. The only thing she said that was the least negative was that she was concerned that I volunteer too much and might end up burning myself out. You�ll understand a bit more fully as I tell you more.

We had 2 ceremonies to induct us as Prayer Chaplains. October 17 was the Prayer Chaplains� in-team dedication and potluck. (Aside: I�ve been to some of the best potlucks I�ve ever been to in the past couple of months. Whether people cooked themselves or brought something from Whole Foods or Wild Oats � and that�s where nearly everyone buys food � the meals were great.) Then on Sunday the 20th we had our formal induction during the church service. So, I'm officially a Unity Santa Fe Prayer Chaplain now.

Damn, this is turning out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be. I'll write a few more paragraphs, and then take a break.

I�ve taken a Religious Beliefs Sorter several times, the last one being in early September. To my surprise, I came out as most similar in beliefs to the Unitarian Universalists. I�ve known that I still have some �Unitarian orientations,� but I couldn�t imagine that I was most like UUs. (If you don�t know, I was a UU minister in the mid-�70s and gave it up because I didn�t fit as a Unitarian. The main way I didn�t fit was that I was more drawn to the heart than to the head and to the spiritual than to the intellectual.)

As one result of some conversations I had with a few Unitarians, I decided that maybe things had changed in UU-world. Maybe they were more spiritually-oriented now, I thought. So, I decided to attend the Santa Fe UU church one Sunday morning in September. Result? I still appreciate a lot about UU, and I'm not at home at that church. It didn�t touch my heart or my spirit. And I knew before I even went that it would be that way. I could feel it.

The truth is that the more I experience spiritually, the more I think I'm not really at home in any one religion. I reside in that spiritual home that resonates with many traditions but embraces none of them fully. Yet, I find that there are spiritual leaders with whom I resonate. Fortunately for me, Brendalyn is one of them. More about that in my next letter.

This one is long enough.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you�d like to be added to my list for receiving my letters or if you�d like to be removed from it, please just e-mail me at ohanamd@earthlink.net and tell me. I'll either add you to the list or else remove you from it, as you request.]

Thursday, 10/10/02

Hi, all ~

Something just happened this evening. I�ve been waiting for a call (an inspiration from Spirit), similar to the call that brought me to Santa Fe, that would tell me what I'm here to do. I began receiving it this evening. I'm resonating with that. I'm not ready to write about the content of it quite yet, though. I just want to let you know that things are shaking for me. I see that life has been �conspiring� to bring me to this place.

By the way, last Saturday was my one year anniversary of arriving in Santa Fe.

In the present,
Michael

[If you�d like to be added to my list for receiving my letters or if you�d like to be removed from it, please just e-mail me at ohanamd@earthlink.net and tell me. I'll either add you to the list or else remove you from it, as you request.]

THIS IS MY LIFE
Sunday, 10/6/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, ~

I�ve had a full and powerful weekend. Just want to let you know what it�s like to be in Santa Fe.

Saturday morning I spent in a training group for facilitators of Power of Now (Faith in Action) in-home groups. Every one of the facilitators is highly qualified � 6 counselors, 2 ministers, Richard Bach�s oldest daughter (that isn�t the only reason she�s qualified, but it was a good start for her), etc.

Saturday afternoon I spent in darshan with Leslie Temple-Thurston (author of Marriage of the Spirit), who is among my personally most powerful spiritual teachers. People had come from all over the country to be with her.

Sunday morning was the first in our Faith in Action series about The Power of Now at Unity Santa Fe. Rev. Brendalyn Batchelor was really on, and we had a �2 for the price of 1� experience because our singer was Dewitt Bolden, who will eventually be a minister, as well as being one of the best church singers I�ve ever heard. He�s a Black man with the style of a Southern Baptist Black singer and preacher and the message of New Thought. One of the songs he sang this morning was an old gospel hymn. He sang one verse, then spoke a metaphysical interpretation of the meaning, then sang the rest of the song. Incredible.

Sunday afternoon I spent in a workshop called �4 Gospels, 4 Seasons� with a Jungian therapist and inspirational speaker, Alexander Shaia, Ph.D., who is Catholic, but sounds like Rocco Errico in this explanation and interpretation of the Bible. He suggests that each of the Gospels is a different story about a different phase of our spiritual development. He also suggests that if we can get past the personal issues that Paul was facing and wrote about, we can recognize him as the promoter of what became New Thought teachings. I'll pull together some notes and pass them along to anyone who requests them.

Then, of course, as I�ve told you, I spent last Wednesday evening with Karen McPhee, Eckhart Tolle�s prot�g�. Karen said several times that she noticed the unusually high spiritual consciousness of Santa Fe and said she�s thought of moving here.

I love living here.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Saturday, 9/28/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, wonderful person ~

Saturday evening, September 21 was the Quilters and Smiths concert at Unity Santa Fe that we�ve been working on for several months. It was a good show, and the show isn�t what I really want to talk about. I want to talk about what impacted me about that evening.

Prior to the show, one of the performers said to me that I would see something that I�ve never seen anywhere else before. It turned out to be an interweaving of songs, poetry, and dance. Not taking anything away from them, because, as I said, it was a good show, I had seen something like that before. In fact, I�d seen something even more complexly interwoven before. What they were doing was similar to what we of God Only Knows What were doing several years ago. I ended up feeling good about my creative ideas � something that is, in truth, unlike anything anyone else is doing.

If you�ve been reading my letters since Easter, you may remember my writing then about meeting Mariana, an Argentinean therapist, dancer, and choreographer. At the time I wrote about being incredibly attracted to her. I had a discussion with some of you about whether to pursue her as a possible romantic relationship or not. Well, I�ve seen her several times recently, the first times since Easter. How she fits into the theme of this letter is that she was the dancer in the show.

Is someone asking me what happened? I thought so. Much to my surprise, I wasn�t particularly attracted to her this time. I'm not saying that I was unattracted, just that it wasn�t much more than I am to a large percentage of women I see on the streets. Why not? I'll address that in a message I'll write soon about the people in my life.

During the show, I witnessed something that seemed to me exceedingly ironic. In the audience, about 30 feet away from me, a drama was unfolding. A couple (I'm not making too much of an assumption here) was sitting there engaged in a non-verbal interaction that I couldn�t have scripted more perfectly to dramatize the approacher-distancer dynamic that occurs so frequently in relationships.

He was sitting as if in meditation, focused on the show. He never turned his head to look at her. She, on the other hand, was doing everything she could think of to get affection from him. She leaned up against him, took his hand, put her arm around him, grabbed his arm and put it around her, leaned forward and over so that her face was in front of his, put both of her arms around him . . . Then she apparently got frustrated and moved to another seat, several rows behind him. He didn�t even seem to notice. After some time, she went back and started the affectionate behavior again. Still he didn�t respond. So she moved away again. He didn�t seem to notice. And on it went throughout the entire show.

What was fascinating to me about it was that there I was, sitting 30 feet away, being a man who would have responded to her in kind. I would have loved her affection. I was even attracted to her. But me? I was sitting there alone, no one to be affectionate with.

Isn�t life fascinating?

More soon.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Sunday, 9/15/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, you all ~

I spent Friday 5 p.m. through Sunday 5 p.m. in Unity Santa Fe�s Prayer Chaplain Training retreat. There�s still more to the training, so I'm not finished (until October 20). It�s a program largely based on one created at Unity of Phoenix (AZ) by Rev. Lei Lanni Burt.

The purpose is to train us to be Prayer Chaplains in our church � that is people who pray with congregants when requested and who each have a group of members that they contact once a month (at least) to see if they have any prayer requests. A couple of Prayer Chaplains are on duty after each service for anyone who wants prayers.

We were learning to do �laser prayer� � being able to get someone�s issue and pray with them in 3 to 5 minutes � as well as to create sacred space, know when to make referrals, etc. What Brendalyn told us is that we don�t have to know anything about praying with people, that we really just need to get ourselves out of the way and let God pray through us. I experienced that as true. There�s a huge difference between head-creating a prayer and letting our Inner Spirit speak through us.

One of my favorite parts was that we watched �The Legend of Bagger Vance� as an example of being a Prayer Chaplain (and started referring to ourselves as caddies). If you haven�t seen that movie, I recommend it highly.

It was a very full and very valuable weekend. We did a lot of practice, so I not only prayed for a lot of people, but I was also prayed for a lot.

I had one important realization. For the entire time I�ve been in Santa Fe, I�ve been saying that no one really knows who I am yet. What I discovered is that the truth is that I�d forgotten some of who I really am and thus haven�t been communicating it.

More to come. Lots more to come.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Thursday, 9/12/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, you ~

Here it is. I'm finally going to write about something other than Cassandra. Do I hear someone cheering?

In order to get myself moving with these, I'm going to allow myself to write about bits of my life instead of doing it all at once. My Pusher (if you don�t know what that is, it�s one of the primary voices that Voice Dialogue speaks about) demands that I do it all RIGHT NOW!

So, here�s an update about my job:

I'm still working at Unity Santa Fe doing the newsletter, public relations, desktop publishing, development, and whatever else needs to be done. After I returned from Seattle, I cut back to half time, and they hired someone else for the other half time. She just quit, though, and I've just gone up to 25 hours per week. They�re looking for volunteers to cover the rest.

In early July, a new Office Manager � Peg � started working. I enjoy working with her. She used to work at Whole Foods and is one of the �Austin women� who�ve come into my life in the past few months (Cassandra � well, there she is again � and Katrina being 2 of the others).

One of my roles was to coordinate the annual church auction, which was quite a job. For the 2 weeks prior to the auction on August 9, I worked 12-14 hours a day most days. Not only did I coordinate it, I also worked as the auctioneer. I think I did a pretty good job.

This job clearly isn�t my real work or even a long-term job, and it�s important to me for reasons beyond having money to live on. I'm learning a lot that will be useful in my real work. One thing, for example, is how much I'm learning about desktop publishing. Another is how much I'm learning about public relations.

On the other hand, it would be easy for me to end up staying in the job for way too long. I enjoy the work. I like the people. It�s consistent with my values. It just isn't my real work (and it pays really poorly). We shall see how long it takes me to build my real work to the point that I can�t afford to keep the job.

See, now that wasn�t too painful, was it? (I'm talking to myself here, folks.) I don�t really have to do it all right now.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Monday, 9/9/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, you readers of my life ~

I know. I know. All you�ve heard about for a long time is how things have gone with Cassandra. I do have more going on in my life than that. I swear I do. And here�s my proof of that.

But, first, let me tell you a little more about . . .

CASSANDRA:
I neglected to tell you about one bit of synchronicity. All along Cassandra kept saying that she didn�t see what I saw in our interactions, that it didn�t feel all that intimate to her, all that unique. (Recently, though, she has acknowledged that she�s able to be unusually present, which is exactly what I was talking about.) Anyway, shortly after we returned to Santa Fe I heard a song on the radio that I�d never heard before. I�ve heard it again quite a few times since. The title is �Walking After You,� and it�s sung by The Eels (who I hadn�t heard of before, either). One line of the song jumped out at me. It goes: �You don�t have a clue what it�s like to be next to you.� Yeah, she didn�t.

I also forgot to tell you about the pendulum work we did together early in July. The most important results were that she and I have been together in many previous lives and that I�ve loved her in all of them. We�ve had a variety of kinds of relationships, though. In one life I was her bodyguard or something like that. In other lives, we have been lovers. However, according to the pendulum, being lovers isn�t our destiny for this lifetime. I thought that was pretty much the end of it for her.

Then I saw Cassandra again a bit over a week ago, and we spent a couple of enjoyable hours together. One of the things she told me is that in a session with a spirit guide, she had asked about our relationship. The guide had confirmed that we had been lovers in other lifetimes and that we aren�t to be lovers this time through. (I feel a little sad as I write that.) It touched me that she had asked, that it was significant enough for her to ask about.

At the end of our time together, Cassandra said that she was glad that the energy had changed between us so much and that we can be friends. I'm not aware that the energy has changed that much. I still love her, and I still feel in love with her when we�re together. The only thing that�s changed is that I�ve given up any hope that she�ll ever want to be my romantic partner. I guess that is a change in energy. I guess she just wasn�t comfortable with my actively desiring that. Now it�s more just a wish.

And then Cassandra took off for Tucson, which, according to her guidance, is her next stop in life. Farewell, Cassandra.

I don�t promise that there won�t be more about her, but I'm ready now to talk about other things in my life. So, here we go:

Wait. . . If I go on now, this will get really long and take another day or 2. I guess I'll send this as it is.

I really do have other things in my life. Really. I swear.

But that�s a topic for my next letter.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
day, 8/7/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, y�all ~

Okay, okay, I know. I haven�t been writing much lately and you�re all feeling deprived. So, here�s the latest on the Cassandra saga. Within a few days I'll fill you in on other things that are going on.

In the last episode, Cassandra had just finished staying with me for most of 8 days and had taken off again for her next adventure.

Estrangement again (7/8-8/1):

We continued to stay in touch via e-mail and continued the processing. It was a roller-coaster ride. At one point Cassandra asked if she could stay with me again. I told her that I was still in love with her and that if that was going to push her buttons, it would be better if she found another place. She did.

As the e-mail processing continued, we got deeper and deeper and more frustration and anger arose. I got to a place of realizing that we wouldn�t work as a romantic couple even if she had wanted that. Communication was too difficult, and we perceived reality too differently.

One of the major differences was that Cassandra expected me to read her nonverbals and respond to them appropriately without her saying anything. I acknowledged that I didn�t read her accurately and needed her to speak what she was thinking, feeling, and wanting. Another significant difference is that she expected me to keep checking in with her about whether things felt okay to her, and I expected her to say something if her feelings changed. A third was that she perceived my kissing her on the back of the neck as sexual in nature, and I perceived it as affectionate � something I would do with any woman I feel affectionate with (and have, in fact, done with many of them).

Recontact again (8/1-present):

Thursday, 8/1, she called me for the first time since I had seen her last. She was getting ready to leave Santa Fe (again) and wanted to connect before she did and talk in person about some of what we�d been e-mailing about.

Saturday, 8/4, we got together for dinner and had an incredible clearing conversation. I ran the gamut of feelings with her that evening. By the end we felt relatively clear and clean with each other and pledged to be platonic friends. As Cassandra said, if we were meant to be romantic partners, we would have kissed and made up a long time before that. I re-invited her to stay with me any time she's in Santa Fe and needs a place to stay.

And that�s where things stand now (8/7). She�s apparently on her way to Tucson, Arizona soon. That�s where her guidance says is her next place to land.

It�s clear to me that my relationship with Cassandra serves 2 significant purposes in my life:
1. It�s very fertile ground for learning, healing, and growing.
2. It�s a glimpse at what�s possible in a relationship. I won�t be satisfied in a relationship ever again with a woman who can�t be exceptionally present with me (which is the one thing about Cassandra, in my experience, that makes her stand out from the crowd). And I won�t be satisfied with anyone who isn�t as emotionally open and as committed to communicating, empathy, growing, and sticking with the process so that the highest can emerge. Cassandra has set a high standard for me to aspire to in a relationship and also has given me the confidence that women who meet it exist.

Now I just need to meet someone who meets those standards who is as interested in me romantically as I am in her.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Wednesday, 7/24/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, you ~

The Cassandra saga is continuing. I haven�t forgotten about it. She stayed with me off and on for 8 days after my last update. Part of the time was really comfortable/friendly. A bit of the time was confrontational. Then she took off, and we�ve stayed in touch via e-mail and have continued the processing that way. It�s been a roller-coaster ride. More about what I'm learning soon. (Yes, I know I�ve said that before. I'll write about it when I'm ready.)

I�ve known another woman (Niara) since we met via an online personal ad last August. Because we have so much in common and because a comparison of our astrology charts said that we�re extremely well matched for romance, we decided to explore that possibility with each other, despite her living in Durango, CO, and me, of course, in Santa Fe. So, I went up to Durango 7/11-14. It turned out that the chemistry/energy wasn�t there, but we had a good time anyway. She�ll be a good friend.

While I was there, she took me to meet several of her friends. I was extremely attracted to one of them (Katrina). (No, it didn�t bother Niara. It was fine with her.) What was oddly synchronistic is that Katrina and Cassandra know each other from their days in Austin, TX. Anyway, she wasn�t interested, so that one didn�t work out, either.

The good news is that I didn�t reject myself by thinking she wouldn�t be interested and not asking. I�d rather ask and be rejected than never ask. So I feel good about that.

Anyway, that was a remarkable 6 weeks or so, exploring romantic possibilities with 3 women. That�s very unusual for me. I often go months without feeling that interested in anyone.

Now I find myself willing to take more time and put more energy into exploring options with women. We shall see what comes. It feels like it�s finally time to move relationally.

And, as I said, I'll come back to what I'm learning in a message soon. There�s a lot.

There are other things going on in my life, too, believe it or not. My job is okay, but not thrilling. It�s comfortable, but it isn�t my real life�s work. It�s time to get moving with what�s really mine to do. Related to that, I�ve been co-facilitating a grief group (how synchronistic), and I did the Sunday morning talk at The Celebration a few weeks ago. It�s an independent metaphysical church. So, I'm making progress, but not quickly enough for me to be satisfied.

I'm meeting people and making friends. I'm not making enough money. I'm in charge of the annual auction at Unity Santa Fe. I did an 8-day house and pet sit 4th of July week. Those are the highlights, I guess.

As I keep saying, more later.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Wednesday, 7/24/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, anyone/everyone ~

A couple of weeks ago I visited a friend in Durango (more about that in another letter) who's done work with Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, who I've also long admired. One evening we watched their video called The Conscious Heart, related to their book by the same title. It was among my favorite videos I've ever seen.

Watching the video, it became clear to me that much of what I believe about conscious relationships and about healthy relationships is contained in their Master Commitment and their 7 Soul-Commitments. I can, without a moment of hesitation, make those commitments for all relationships that are important to me - and I hope that those people will also make them. When I find the woman of my dreams, I feel quite certain that she'll be eager to make these commitments, too. I'm looking forward to experiencing and exploring the power of that kind of primary relationship.

I recommend the commitments to you for your consideration and have copied them below.

If you'd like to learn more about the Hendricks' work, see their web site at http://www.hendricks.com.

By the way, the one I'd add to the list would be something about following Spirit without hesitation in my relationships and having the faith that doing so will lead me to whatever is for the highest for myself, for my partner, for all beings, and for the planet. I'd make that the Prime Commitment (like the Prime Directive in Star Trek) - above even the Master Commitment.

May all of your important relationships be conscious ones.

Namaste,
Michael

The Conscious Heart Commitments
~~ Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, The Conscious Heart
~~ My modifications are in [ ]

The Master Commitment:
I accept relationship itself as [one of] my primary teacher[s] about myself, other people, and the mysteries of the Universe. I open myself to letting every relationship interaction, no matter how seemingly trivial, deepen my connection with my essence and the essence of others. I invite all healing powers in myself and the Universe to remove any obstacles to my relationships being a source of joyful fulfillment to me in all my depths. I commit to clearing up anything in me that keeps me from full loving unity with myself and my loved ones. I make a commitment to intimacy that is greater than my commitment to being right and perpetuating my conditioned patterns.

The Seven Soul-Commitments:
#1. I commit to realizing my full potential for both closeness and autonomy. I open myself to learning about and honoring my essence-rhythms of closeness and separateness and to learning about and honoring those rhythms in others.

#2. I commit to full expression, to holding back nothing. This means telling the truth about everything, including my feelings, my fantasies, and my actions. I commit to telling the inarguable truth � truth that no one can argue with � instead of giving my opinions, beliefs, and prejudices. I also commit to listening non-judgmentally to what people say to me.

#3. I commit to becoming the source of full responsibility for my life, including my happiness, my well-being, and my life goals. I absolve everyone, living or dead, past or present, from any implication that they cause my feelings or actions in any way.

#4. When faced with the choice between being happy and being defensive, I commit to choosing happiness. I commit to doing this especially in those situations when my defensiveness seems most warranted and when it is totally obvious to me that I am right and the other person is wrong.

#5. I commit to learning to love and appreciate myself and others in my close relationships.

#6. I commit to the full expression of my creativity and to inspiring the full creative expression of those around me.

#7. I commit to celebration as the dominant emotional tone of my relationships. Particularly, I commit to celebrating the essence of myself and those close to me.

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Saturday, 6/29/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, all ~

I will write about the issues I�ve addressed and healed in the process of my adventure with Cassandra sooner or later. I'm not quite ready to do that yet, though. In the meantime, I want to update you on the events that have occurred. It�s a quite unusual story in my own experience.

The approach I�ve chosen to take with this is the one I�d like always to take when I'm in conflict with someone I care about. Rather than either look where to place blame or how to fix my relationship with Cassandra so that I�d get what I want, I�ve chosen to observe, investigate my own input into what happened, do my healing work with what has arisen into my awareness, and hold it all in love and faith all the while. My highest priority was to awaken in me more of who I really am so that I could show up in life as a more loving, healing, present human being.

Part of the process was remarkable to me and brings tears to my eyes. I stayed in conversation with her during this time with no intention whatsoever to get her to change, and what�s even more remarkable to me, she stayed in the conversation with me no matter how frustrated or angry she felt. I experienced a true commitment to the highest in our relationship and each other, whatever that might be.

On Saturday the 22nd, I participated in a ceremony called the Circle of Light, facilitated by John Martinez at Unity Santa Fe. It�s a ceremony of healing and release. By that time I�d identified my primary issue, the one that not only was the major contributor in causing problems with Cassandra, but also has been a huge problem for me all my life. So, that�s what I chose as the focus of the Circle of Light ceremony. Ceremony and ritual are, for me, what I call �deceptively powerful.�

On Tuesday the 25th, we had a follow-up scheduled in the evening. Just before it was to begin, Cassandra showed up at the church. We talked briefly, and she said that she wanted to process some things in person, so we agreed to get together to do that. Then John and I talked for nearly an hour (since I was the only one who showed up for the follow-up). That was also very helpful for me in integrating the shifts I was experiencing in my issue (which, as I said, I'll talk about when I'm more ready to). By that time I was to a place of being very grateful for Cassandra being exactly who she is and acting exactly as she has all along. Without that, I might not have reached the clarity that I now have on what has been my �fatal flaw� in relationships.

The next evening I went largely out of curiosity to a presentation and demonstration by Tom Stone of Human Software Engineering, a technology for making rapid and profound changes in the energy patterns that are our issues. When he asked for a volunteer to demonstrate it, I jumped at the chance. There I experienced another shift in the issue. (An aside: I'm fascinated by Human Software Engineering � even though I don�t like the name. If it really works as well as he says it does, it�s pretty amazing. I know that the results were impressive in the short run with everyone who volunteered for a demonstration and that they�ve seemed to continue with me.)

The next day, Thursday, Cassandra called me at work. She was clearing out her storage, preparing to leave Santa Fe. (Have I ever mentioned that all along she�s been saying that she�s being guided to leave? Last I heard, she still doesn�t know where she�s going, but she�ll be on her way probably on this coming Monday.) So I offered to help her after I got off work. It seemed only right since she had helped me clear out my stuff to move it from WA to Santa Fe.

Making what could turn into a long story much shorter, we ended up having a really nice time together. After the storage place closed, I went over to where she�s staying and had dinner with her. As a sign of how healed I was, I was able to talk with her about what had happened and what we had both learned about our input (because she, too, was doing her own processing of her own part in it) and still eat. (I tend to not want to eat when I'm distressed.) It was quite amazing. I felt really clean and healed of the issue that had caused the problem � even though I still felt quite in love with her.

I'm noticing that it�s difficult to talk about this meaningfully without talking about the issue. Okay, briefly, the issue was that I�ve experienced an emptiness inside and a compulsive need for affection and to be loved in an attempt to fill it. And that�s been the �fatal flaw� that drove women away from me (and I'll say more about it later).

So, clarifying the last thing I said in the paragraph before, I was able to be with her with no need for her to be affectionate or to love me, even though I was still quite in love with her.

After dinner, we watched a video together that I�ve been wanting to see for a long time: �Bliss.� It�s a movie about sexual healing and learning to love (no accident about what it was). I recommend it to anyone who cares about relationships.

Friday we talked on the phone again, and Cassandra said that she still didn�t have a place to stay Saturday night after returning from Albuquerque and the workshop she was attending. She asked if my offer of a place to stay was still good. So, she�s on her way here as I write this. It�s something that I would never have imagined possible a week ago. We�re back to being friends who can spend time together in close proximity to each other.

And she�s still on track to leave town.

More later in the great saga, and more later about the issues I�ve faced, too.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Monday, 6/24/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, all ~

I don�t mean to keep you in suspense about the remainder of the story, but it�s still in process. I�ve been e-mailing back and forth with Cassandra, attempting to come to some peaceful resolution and mutual understanding. I appreciate her for being willing to keep communicating no matter what. How rare that has been in my experience.

So, you�ll get parts 5 and 6 of the story before too long. For now you�ll have to be satisfied knowing that I�ve had some major break-throughs.

In the meantime, I�ve found myself in a very satisfying and deep exchange with someone I�d like to know a lot better (intimate, honest, open communication is extremely attractive to me). My biggest issue with her so far is that she lives in Durango, CO. (She�s safe from the fire as long as it doesn�t go through the city.)

There�s also another woman in Santa Fe who I find myself wanting to develop more depth with.

We shall see.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Thursday, 6/20/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, followers of my soap opera ~

I�ve wondered if anyone is reading this. I just put my letters out into the universe and trust that anyone who�s interested reads them and that anyone who isn�t doesn�t. However, I�ve had 2 people tell me that they�re looking forward to the next installment of my �Cassandra story.� So, here�s part 4:

The trip back to Santa Fe (6/13-16):

Thursday and Friday as Cassandra and I got ready to leave and then drove into Utah, I was extremely happy being with her and found myself rising more in love with her. I did my best not to talk too much about it though � trying not to impose it on her. The truth was, though, that I very much wanted her to love me back.

Friday night I thought about asking her if she�d like me to hold her, totally nonsexually. I decided, though, to allow her to initiate any physical contact, if she wanted that.

Saturday morning Cassandra came over and sat on my bed. She later described it as my �whole body lighting up.� Okay, I admit it; I did light up. All she said to me was, �I wish it was easier.� Then she got up and walked away. I found out what that meant when we got in the car and began to drive again.

I'm getting stuck here. There�s so much. So I'm going to just tell the story and then go back for as much of what�s important about the story in my next edition.

Cassandra said that she had some things she wanted to talk about. I was expecting something positive. I felt totally blindsided by what it was. She said that she was angry because of all the pressure and that I hadn�t kept my agreement to not make sex an issue. There�s more, but that�s enough to give the flavor of it. My perception was that I�d done a fabulous job keeping my agreement and was expecting gratitude for that.

I got really hooked in some dark, yucky, unhealed place and went somewhere that I feel embarrassed by. I just started to shut down.

Okay, I'm getting stuck again. I'm going to pass over most of the content until later.

Anyway, the conflict went on for what seemed like many hours. Eventually I apologized for what I perceived to be my part in the source of the difficulty. I don�t think that sex was the issue. I think that my being in love with Cassandra was the issue. I acknowledge that it probably came out as feeling like pressure to her, and apparently she took at least some of it as sexual pressure. In truth, I�d have been willing to wait for months to make love with her. I told her that, in fact. I don�t know if she heard me.

Getting stuck. More about that later.

So, I did some healing work with my issues about love and not being loved and holding the belief that my loving and feeling sexual drives women away from me. Finally I got to a clearer place, a place where I could still feel the love, but a place where it didn�t feel so needy/yucky. Then we could finally talk again.

Somewhere along the way, she did acknowledge some things that felt good to me: that she would have liked for me to hold her if it hadn�t felt sexual to her (which meant that I wouldn�t feel sexual while I was holding her; she was probably thinking that at just about the same time I was thinking the same thing), that some part of her would have liked making love with me (but that she�s holding out for her committed, spiritually-right permanent partner, and I'm not he), � There was more, I think.

I clarified that my interest was in making love with her, not just in sex for pleasure. I told her that I, too, was interested in a committed relationship, and that I was open to the possibility of that with her. I suggested that sometime I�d like to kiss her because I thought we�d both know then if we were spiritually contracted partners. She was sure we aren�t. I didn�t know. I don�t think she got that. I still don�t know. I don�t think she gets that, either. But more about that when I get to the aftermath.

There are pieces to this whole story that I�ve missed that are, I think, important. She�s still grieving for a man she broke up with in March because he didn�t want the commitment she did. In many ways he reminded her of the man she�s looking for, just as in many ways she reminds me of the woman I'm looking for. What else?

I�ve avoided writing about her unhealed issues as much as possible. The important thing for me is my own and healing them. I have no interest in explaining things away or avoiding my own input by focusing on her unhealed places. It would be so easy and so counter-productive to say, �If only she hadn�t had this issue, then things would have been different.� It�s so tempting and also so counter-productive to say, �I'll never spend time again with a woman with that issue.� I was with her, chose her, and loved her precisely because of those issues (in part, of course). We came together to heal.

When we got back to Santa Fe, we took a walk to say goodbye. I told her that any phone calls or in-person contact were up to her, that I wanted her to have control in that. She said that when the man she�s grieving stayed in touch with her, it hurt, so she didn�t think it was a good idea with me.

There�s one way she definitely isn�t the woman of my dreams. The woman of my dreams would understand and agree that having the best possible relationship that both of us could agree on would be best and that I would be responsible for my own feelings. There are more than just a few women in my life who I�ve been through something similar to this with � loving them and wanting a romantic relationship, then letting go and having whatever is the best we can both agree on.

I�d like that with Cassandra. I still think it�s possible. And I acknowledge and accept that I might conceivably never see her again. Whatever happens, I hold it to be for the greatest good. Maybe this was our contract for this lifetime. I think that we�ve done this together before � in other lifetimes. It feels very familiar with her. She doesn�t (apparently) recognize our past lifetimes together. Maybe that�s part of the contract, too.

I regret touching her less-than-fully healed wounds by my loving her and wanting it returned. I regret not being more fully healed myself (and I acknowledge that creating the intention to use our trip for healing brought all of this on).

Leaving her Saturday night was painful.

I'll fill in blanks, talk about some of what I�ve realized, and talk about what�s happened since Saturday in the next installment.

Writing that last half of this one wasn�t fun. And I'm more committed to awakening, growing, and healing than I am to having fun. I'm willing for it to be both, though.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Tuesday, 6/18/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, y�all ~

�What�s this repeated �y�all�?� you may be asking. Cassandra is a native Texan, and I got used to �y�all� during the time we were traveling together. Now it feels like just a bit of a connection with her.

Here�s part 3 of my �Cassandra story.� I�ve had a significant breakthrough with all of this, so it isn�t feeling so difficult to write now. I'm being flooded with information from Spirit.

Before I get on with the story, though, a word was delivered to me this morning in a sermon illustrations e-mailing that I get (of all places) that is relevant. Glibido is a word created to mean �all talk and no action.� That was me with Cassandra. I expressed lots of glibido.

In Seattle (6/4-11):

We stayed at Parker�s house, and Parker and Cassandra obviously liked each other. He was only the first of my friends who connected with her.

On Wednesday we spent most of the day going through all of my boxes of paper and sorting out what I wanted to keep. I found her offer to help me with it very touching. In the process I found some newspapers from the Ken Keyes Institute in Coos Bay that were produced after she left. She found information about and photos of people she knew, though. (More of that synchronicity that just kept happening.)

Thursday morning I went to my Awakening group. At that time I said that I was confused about my relationship with Cassandra because I loved what was going on between us, but neither of us felt spiritually called to be romantic life partners. (She and I had talked about that on our way to Seattle.)

On Thursday Leap of Faith began. I was on staff, and Cassandra was a participant. By completing the Leap, she fulfilled something that feels very important to me in a romantic partner. She liked it a lot � another thing that makes her attractive to me. (And, by the way, I think her saying that it was one of the best things she�s ever done is no small compliment for someone who�s done 25 years of intensive spiritual, psychological, and healing work with some very well-known people.)

Sunday night Cassandra and I went for a walk and got into our first (at least overt) conflict � based, in my perception, on each of our unhealed issues hooking the other�s unhealed issues. Largely the difference was that she felt pressured, and I experienced myself as being remarkably restrained. I was impressed that it only took us about 10 minutes to stop focusing on the other person�s input and for us each to begin focusing on our own (another of the many reasons for me to feel attracted to her). One of the important unhealed issues that came up for me is my old sense that my loving or feeling sexual for women drives them away and that somehow there�s something about me that�s unacceptable that I don�t know about. Cassandra also said that it looks to her like I have a hole inside that I want a woman to fill. That felt like one of the ugliest things anyone could possibly perceive about me. At that time I wasn�t fully aware of how much that�s another of my unhealed issues. We were to return to all of that during the trip back to Santa Fe.

Monday we had lunch with Ginny. I was fascinated by how much they connected and by some of the assistance that Cassandra was able to offer to Ginny. During that time I looked at her and discovered that I was rising (not falling) in love with her. Maybe I always had been. I finally acknowledged it to myself then, though.

Later that afternoon I had an appointment with Keith, the healer. Cassandra wanted to meet him, so I asked if she could come into the office with me during my session. Keith said that he�d talk with us and decide. He and Cassandra spoke for a few moments about a large crystal he has, and he said that she was holding a space for healing for me and that she could stay. At the end he walked over to her and said, �Where do we know each other from?� She replied something like, �Not from this lifetime. Maybe from another one.� Later she told me that she thinks it�s really from another realm.

While we were in Seattle (Hobart, actually), we spent nearly all of our time together except during the Leap, when I went to my group, and at night � and a couple of nights we slept beside each other � though separately - because it was cold and we both wanted to be near the fire. I continued to feel beyond comfortable with all the time together and with how much it was like we were a couple.

Her trip to OR (6/11-13):

Tuesday morning I took Cassandra to the train station for her to go to Portland for a 2-day reunion with some of her Cornucopia/Ken Keyes friends � some of the same ones we�d seen in the newspapers I�d found a few days before.

While she was away, I definitely missed her � not in an �I can�t stand to be apart� way, but more in an �I�ve felt really happy with her so intimately in my life, and my life feels less rich when she isn�t around� way.

Wednesday I got together with Mary O�Malley to talk about her coming to Santa Fe. Instead we spent a lot of time talking about other things and just a little about our plans. What was happening with Cassandra and me was one of the main things we talked about. I really wished that the 2 of them had met. They have a lot in common. I told Mary that I was still confused because, even though I was aware of being in love with Cassandra, I still didn�t feel the mad, passionate, love at first sight kind of love that I had with Wendy and Valerie. Mary suggested that maybe that kind of love is partly coming from somewhere else other than love. She said that her impression is that I need to go very slowly with Cassandra (which has never been one of my strong points). And she was very definitely focused on my pursuing it. She suggested that her perception is that the deepest loves grow out of friendships, not out of love at first sight. I came away from our conversation wanting to go for it with all due lack of haste.

That evening I got together with Tammi, one of my friends who�s in a love at first sight � or nearly so � relationship. Cassandra and me was again a major topic of conversation. Tammi seemed more on the �go for the immediate passion� side of the issue.

By the next morning when I went to Mary�s Awakening group again, I was experiencing a wild mixture of feelings and sensations. After talking a bit, though, I ended up resolving to just follow the process (as Mary says) - or to follow Spirit without hesitation. We would see what happened, and I created the intention to discover what was right, to follow Spirit, to remain as much at peace as possible, to extend love, and to have the best relationship with Cassandra that I could.

Then I was off to the train station to pick her up and make our last preparations to return to Santa Fe.

The part of the story about the return and its significance is coming in my next letter.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Monday, 6/17/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, all of y�all ~

Part 2 of my Cassandra story. I'm going to try to summarize. And I'm finding this very difficult to write about. Obviously there�s something valuable for me here�. It must be incredibly valuable as difficult as this is feeling.

Walk through the doorway, Michael.

The trip to Seattle (6/2-4): I�ve rarely, if ever, had as much fun traveling with anyone as I did with Cassandra. We talked openly, laughed a lot, processed feelings, flirted, and learned a lot about each other.

Life gave us a great opportunity right from the beginning. Cassandra lost her wallet, containing her money, and we had the grand opportunity to see how we handled stress together. I�ve never been around anyone who handled it as well as she did.

I found my attraction to her growing very quickly. By that I again mean all kinds of attraction, not just sexual attraction. The reality, though, was that the more I admired her and the more I liked her and the more I felt affectionate toward her, the more I found her sexually attractive, too.

I teased her about touching and about sex, but (my perception) I kept my agreement with her to not make sex an issue. I hardly ever touched her and never in a sexual way, and I never made any sexual proposals (because I was genuinely committed to my agreement for us to not be sexual during the trip).

We also shared motel rooms, though not beds. The only time I even sat on her bed was once when she was processing some heavy feelings and I wanted to be more present with her. Even then I didn�t touch her.

The way she traveled with me was, in a lot of ways, more like my perception of how loving partners travel together than like how friends travel together, let alone how people who had really just met travel together. I felt more intimacy in how she was with me in our interactions than I�ve felt with most of the women I�ve been in romantic relationships with. We spent probably 23 hours a day together, and I never had any urge to get away from her. I soon began to feel like we were a couple, no matter what we were saying to each other. That was just my best representation of how we were being together.

And that�s the most important and pertinent thing I can say. Except for physically and sexually, I felt more intimate with Cassandra than I�ve felt with nearly any other person in my life, and that made all the difference to me. That�s it. Change what I said above. The more intimate I felt with her, the more sexually attracted to her I became. Writing this is the first time I�ve recognized that consciously.

Can you tell where this is going?

Part 3 in my next letter.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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THIS IS MY LIFE
Monday, 6/17/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, y�all ~

I met Cassandra at Unity Santa Fe one Sunday morning April 21. I was immediately attracted to her. No, I don�t just mean physically � and I don�t not mean that, either. A big part of my attraction was energetic and appreciating who she is and how she shows up in life. Then, on top of that, the synchronicity began to appear. I always follow synchronicity, especially when there are several instances of it relating to the same person, place, or event. I�ve experienced repeatedly that synchronicity is one of the significant ways that Spirit speaks to me. The first example was this: In our talking, we discovered that she had known Kathy, who I knew for a couple of years in Seattle during the late �70s (and had almost become a housemate of), as a co-resident at Ken Keyes� Cornucopia Institute in Kentucky during the early �80s. She told me she�d let me know if she found out where Kathy is now. I had the thought that early that I might conceivably fall in love with her if circumstances were right for that.

I think that the next time I saw her was the next couple of evenings at workshops presented by Michael Ryce at Unity Santa Fe. Every time I saw her, I started a conversation with her. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her and the more I was attracted to her. At one of the workshops, I intended to sit with her, but found that she was sitting with a man. I had no idea of what their relationship was, so I backed off. After the workshop, though, I talked with her and met him. I�ve since learned that he�s �only� a friend.

Then Cassandra considered and interviewed for a job at Unity Santa Fe that would have made her my co-worker. When she decided not to take it, I was disappointed for personal reasons as well as because I thought she�d be a great addition to the staff.

After that I didn�t see her for weeks. I knew that she was going to be traveling, so I wasn�t particularly surprised that she was gone. I was surprised at how long it was, though. I trusted, however, that if it was spiritually appropriate for us to connect in any way beyond what we already had, she would come back into my life.

During that time I made plans to return to Seattle to staff Leap of Faith and to sort through my belongings and make the last of my move to Santa Fe. I planned to leave Sunday, June 2.

Early in the week before I was to leave, Cassandra called Unity Santa Fe about a tape she had ordered. I answered the phone. That was the first time I�d heard from her again. I was pleased to hear from her and not at all surprised that she had reappeared. I think this is a great story.

At the end of the conversation, after we�d finished the business about the tape, Spirit urged her to ask me if I had anything else to tell her. (Another reason for me to be attracted to her.) Spirit spoke through me, and I told her that I was leaving soon for Seattle to staff the Leap. She asked me about it and was very interested. So I asked her if she�d like to come with me to take it (another instance of Spirit speaking through me). She said that she�d look at the web site and would have to see if she could rearrange some things so she could go.

Not long after, she called and had sent in her money and was working on her schedule. Within a few days, she had rearranged her life so that she could make the trip. I was quite surprised and pleased.

What followed were a series of e-mail exchanges about traveling together that explored everything from idiosyncrasies to sex. Cassandra asked me if I was married and if there was a woman who�d be distressed by our traveling together. I was uncertain what that meant, so I asked if she was assuming that we�d sleep together (my first guess about the motivation for that question) and told her that I wasn�t assuming that, but was also open to it if it seemed right for both of us. That led to a clear agreement that we wouldn�t be sexual during our trip no matter what. (I'm making this �short.�) We also set a clear intention that our time together would be healing for both of us.

Those e-mails left me very eager to know her more. She was the most honest, open, emotionally fluent and responsible woman I�d ever had the pleasure to communicate with.

We made our plans to leave together after church on Sunday, June 2.

I'll continue with part 2 of the story in my next edition.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

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MY COMMUNITY
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Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity

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MY WORK
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If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

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