THIS IS MY LIFE
Thursday, 6/20/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, followers of my soap opera ~

I�ve wondered if anyone is reading this. I just put my letters out into the universe and trust that anyone who�s interested reads them and that anyone who isn�t doesn�t. However, I�ve had 2 people tell me that they�re looking forward to the next installment of my �Cassandra story.� So, here�s part 4:

The trip back to Santa Fe (6/13-16):

Thursday and Friday as Cassandra and I got ready to leave and then drove into Utah, I was extremely happy being with her and found myself rising more in love with her. I did my best not to talk too much about it though � trying not to impose it on her. The truth was, though, that I very much wanted her to love me back.

Friday night I thought about asking her if she�d like me to hold her, totally nonsexually. I decided, though, to allow her to initiate any physical contact, if she wanted that.

Saturday morning Cassandra came over and sat on my bed. She later described it as my �whole body lighting up.� Okay, I admit it; I did light up. All she said to me was, �I wish it was easier.� Then she got up and walked away. I found out what that meant when we got in the car and began to drive again.

I'm getting stuck here. There�s so much. So I'm going to just tell the story and then go back for as much of what�s important about the story in my next edition.

Cassandra said that she had some things she wanted to talk about. I was expecting something positive. I felt totally blindsided by what it was. She said that she was angry because of all the pressure and that I hadn�t kept my agreement to not make sex an issue. There�s more, but that�s enough to give the flavor of it. My perception was that I�d done a fabulous job keeping my agreement and was expecting gratitude for that.

I got really hooked in some dark, yucky, unhealed place and went somewhere that I feel embarrassed by. I just started to shut down.

Okay, I'm getting stuck again. I'm going to pass over most of the content until later.

Anyway, the conflict went on for what seemed like many hours. Eventually I apologized for what I perceived to be my part in the source of the difficulty. I don�t think that sex was the issue. I think that my being in love with Cassandra was the issue. I acknowledge that it probably came out as feeling like pressure to her, and apparently she took at least some of it as sexual pressure. In truth, I�d have been willing to wait for months to make love with her. I told her that, in fact. I don�t know if she heard me.

Getting stuck. More about that later.

So, I did some healing work with my issues about love and not being loved and holding the belief that my loving and feeling sexual drives women away from me. Finally I got to a clearer place, a place where I could still feel the love, but a place where it didn�t feel so needy/yucky. Then we could finally talk again.

Somewhere along the way, she did acknowledge some things that felt good to me: that she would have liked for me to hold her if it hadn�t felt sexual to her (which meant that I wouldn�t feel sexual while I was holding her; she was probably thinking that at just about the same time I was thinking the same thing), that some part of her would have liked making love with me (but that she�s holding out for her committed, spiritually-right permanent partner, and I'm not he), � There was more, I think.

I clarified that my interest was in making love with her, not just in sex for pleasure. I told her that I, too, was interested in a committed relationship, and that I was open to the possibility of that with her. I suggested that sometime I�d like to kiss her because I thought we�d both know then if we were spiritually contracted partners. She was sure we aren�t. I didn�t know. I don�t think she got that. I still don�t know. I don�t think she gets that, either. But more about that when I get to the aftermath.

There are pieces to this whole story that I�ve missed that are, I think, important. She�s still grieving for a man she broke up with in March because he didn�t want the commitment she did. In many ways he reminded her of the man she�s looking for, just as in many ways she reminds me of the woman I'm looking for. What else?

I�ve avoided writing about her unhealed issues as much as possible. The important thing for me is my own and healing them. I have no interest in explaining things away or avoiding my own input by focusing on her unhealed places. It would be so easy and so counter-productive to say, �If only she hadn�t had this issue, then things would have been different.� It�s so tempting and also so counter-productive to say, �I'll never spend time again with a woman with that issue.� I was with her, chose her, and loved her precisely because of those issues (in part, of course). We came together to heal.

When we got back to Santa Fe, we took a walk to say goodbye. I told her that any phone calls or in-person contact were up to her, that I wanted her to have control in that. She said that when the man she�s grieving stayed in touch with her, it hurt, so she didn�t think it was a good idea with me.

There�s one way she definitely isn�t the woman of my dreams. The woman of my dreams would understand and agree that having the best possible relationship that both of us could agree on would be best and that I would be responsible for my own feelings. There are more than just a few women in my life who I�ve been through something similar to this with � loving them and wanting a romantic relationship, then letting go and having whatever is the best we can both agree on.

I�d like that with Cassandra. I still think it�s possible. And I acknowledge and accept that I might conceivably never see her again. Whatever happens, I hold it to be for the greatest good. Maybe this was our contract for this lifetime. I think that we�ve done this together before � in other lifetimes. It feels very familiar with her. She doesn�t (apparently) recognize our past lifetimes together. Maybe that�s part of the contract, too.

I regret touching her less-than-fully healed wounds by my loving her and wanting it returned. I regret not being more fully healed myself (and I acknowledge that creating the intention to use our trip for healing brought all of this on).

Leaving her Saturday night was painful.

I'll fill in blanks, talk about some of what I�ve realized, and talk about what�s happened since Saturday in the next installment.

Writing that last half of this one wasn�t fun. And I'm more committed to awakening, growing, and healing than I am to having fun. I'm willing for it to be both, though.

Namaste,
Michael

[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity

~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~

If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*