THIS IS MY LIFE
day, 8/7/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, y�all ~

Okay, okay, I know. I haven�t been writing much lately and you�re all feeling deprived. So, here�s the latest on the Cassandra saga. Within a few days I'll fill you in on other things that are going on.

In the last episode, Cassandra had just finished staying with me for most of 8 days and had taken off again for her next adventure.

Estrangement again (7/8-8/1):

We continued to stay in touch via e-mail and continued the processing. It was a roller-coaster ride. At one point Cassandra asked if she could stay with me again. I told her that I was still in love with her and that if that was going to push her buttons, it would be better if she found another place. She did.

As the e-mail processing continued, we got deeper and deeper and more frustration and anger arose. I got to a place of realizing that we wouldn�t work as a romantic couple even if she had wanted that. Communication was too difficult, and we perceived reality too differently.

One of the major differences was that Cassandra expected me to read her nonverbals and respond to them appropriately without her saying anything. I acknowledged that I didn�t read her accurately and needed her to speak what she was thinking, feeling, and wanting. Another significant difference is that she expected me to keep checking in with her about whether things felt okay to her, and I expected her to say something if her feelings changed. A third was that she perceived my kissing her on the back of the neck as sexual in nature, and I perceived it as affectionate � something I would do with any woman I feel affectionate with (and have, in fact, done with many of them).

Recontact again (8/1-present):

Thursday, 8/1, she called me for the first time since I had seen her last. She was getting ready to leave Santa Fe (again) and wanted to connect before she did and talk in person about some of what we�d been e-mailing about.

Saturday, 8/4, we got together for dinner and had an incredible clearing conversation. I ran the gamut of feelings with her that evening. By the end we felt relatively clear and clean with each other and pledged to be platonic friends. As Cassandra said, if we were meant to be romantic partners, we would have kissed and made up a long time before that. I re-invited her to stay with me any time she's in Santa Fe and needs a place to stay.

And that�s where things stand now (8/7). She�s apparently on her way to Tucson, Arizona soon. That�s where her guidance says is her next place to land.

It�s clear to me that my relationship with Cassandra serves 2 significant purposes in my life:
1. It�s very fertile ground for learning, healing, and growing.
2. It�s a glimpse at what�s possible in a relationship. I won�t be satisfied in a relationship ever again with a woman who can�t be exceptionally present with me (which is the one thing about Cassandra, in my experience, that makes her stand out from the crowd). And I won�t be satisfied with anyone who isn�t as emotionally open and as committed to communicating, empathy, growing, and sticking with the process so that the highest can emerge. Cassandra has set a high standard for me to aspire to in a relationship and also has given me the confidence that women who meet it exist.

Now I just need to meet someone who meets those standards who is as interested in me romantically as I am in her.

Namaste,
Michael

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