THIS IS MY LIFE
Thursday, 6/20/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.
Hi, followers of my soap opera ~
I�ve wondered if anyone is reading this. I just put my letters out into the universe and trust that anyone who�s interested reads them and that anyone who isn�t doesn�t. However, I�ve had 2 people tell me that they�re looking forward to the next installment of my �Cassandra story.� So, here�s part 4:
The trip back to Santa Fe (6/13-16):
Thursday and Friday as Cassandra and I got ready to leave and then drove into Utah, I was extremely happy being with her and found myself rising more in love with her. I did my best not to talk too much about it though � trying not to impose it on her. The truth was, though, that I very much wanted her to love me back.
Friday night I thought about asking her if she�d like me to hold her, totally nonsexually. I decided, though, to allow her to initiate any physical contact, if she wanted that.
Saturday morning Cassandra came over and sat on my bed. She later described it as my �whole body lighting up.� Okay, I admit it; I did light up. All she said to me was, �I wish it was easier.� Then she got up and walked away. I found out what that meant when we got in the car and began to drive again.
I'm getting stuck here. There�s so much. So I'm going to just tell the story and then go back for as much of what�s important about the story in my next edition.
Cassandra said that she had some things she wanted to talk about. I was expecting something positive. I felt totally blindsided by what it was. She said that she was angry because of all the pressure and that I hadn�t kept my agreement to not make sex an issue. There�s more, but that�s enough to give the flavor of it. My perception was that I�d done a fabulous job keeping my agreement and was expecting gratitude for that.
I got really hooked in some dark, yucky, unhealed place and went somewhere that I feel embarrassed by. I just started to shut down.
Okay, I'm getting stuck again. I'm going to pass over most of the content until later.
Anyway, the conflict went on for what seemed like many hours. Eventually I apologized for what I perceived to be my part in the source of the difficulty. I don�t think that sex was the issue. I think that my being in love with Cassandra was the issue. I acknowledge that it probably came out as feeling like pressure to her, and apparently she took at least some of it as sexual pressure. In truth, I�d have been willing to wait for months to make love with her. I told her that, in fact. I don�t know if she heard me.
Getting stuck. More about that later.
So, I did some healing work with my issues about love and not being loved and holding the belief that my loving and feeling sexual drives women away from me. Finally I got to a clearer place, a place where I could still feel the love, but a place where it didn�t feel so needy/yucky. Then we could finally talk again.
Somewhere along the way, she did acknowledge some things that felt good to me: that she would have liked for me to hold her if it hadn�t felt sexual to her (which meant that I wouldn�t feel sexual while I was holding her; she was probably thinking that at just about the same time I was thinking the same thing), that some part of her would have liked making love with me (but that she�s holding out for her committed, spiritually-right permanent partner, and I'm not he), � There was more, I think.
I clarified that my interest was in making love with her, not just in sex for pleasure. I told her that I, too, was interested in a committed relationship, and that I was open to the possibility of that with her. I suggested that sometime I�d like to kiss her because I thought we�d both know then if we were spiritually contracted partners. She was sure we aren�t. I didn�t know. I don�t think she got that. I still don�t know. I don�t think she gets that, either. But more about that when I get to the aftermath.
There are pieces to this whole story that I�ve missed that are, I think, important. She�s still grieving for a man she broke up with in March because he didn�t want the commitment she did. In many ways he reminded her of the man she�s looking for, just as in many ways she reminds me of the woman I'm looking for. What else?
I�ve avoided writing about her unhealed issues as much as possible. The important thing for me is my own and healing them. I have no interest in explaining things away or avoiding my own input by focusing on her unhealed places. It would be so easy and so counter-productive to say, �If only she hadn�t had this issue, then things would have been different.� It�s so tempting and also so counter-productive to say, �I'll never spend time again with a woman with that issue.� I was with her, chose her, and loved her precisely because of those issues (in part, of course). We came together to heal.
When we got back to Santa Fe, we took a walk to say goodbye. I told her that any phone calls or in-person contact were up to her, that I wanted her to have control in that. She said that when the man she�s grieving stayed in touch with her, it hurt, so she didn�t think it was a good idea with me.
There�s one way she definitely isn�t the woman of my dreams. The woman of my dreams would understand and agree that having the best possible relationship that both of us could agree on would be best and that I would be responsible for my own feelings. There are more than just a few women in my life who I�ve been through something similar to this with � loving them and wanting a romantic relationship, then letting go and having whatever is the best we can both agree on.
I�d like that with Cassandra. I still think it�s possible. And I acknowledge and accept that I might conceivably never see her again. Whatever happens, I hold it to be for the greatest good. Maybe this was our contract for this lifetime. I think that we�ve done this together before � in other lifetimes. It feels very familiar with her. She doesn�t (apparently) recognize our past lifetimes together. Maybe that�s part of the contract, too.
I regret touching her less-than-fully healed wounds by my loving her and wanting it returned. I regret not being more fully healed myself (and I acknowledge that creating the intention to use our trip for healing brought all of this on).
Leaving her Saturday night was painful.
I'll fill in blanks, talk about some of what I�ve realized, and talk about what�s happened since Saturday in the next installment.
Writing that last half of this one wasn�t fun. And I'm more committed to awakening, growing, and healing than I am to having fun. I'm willing for it to be both, though.
Namaste,
Michael
[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]
[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity
~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~
If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read
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Thursday, June 20, 2002
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
THIS IS MY LIFE
Tuesday, 6/18/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.
Hi, y�all ~
�What�s this repeated �y�all�?� you may be asking. Cassandra is a native Texan, and I got used to �y�all� during the time we were traveling together. Now it feels like just a bit of a connection with her.
Here�s part 3 of my �Cassandra story.� I�ve had a significant breakthrough with all of this, so it isn�t feeling so difficult to write now. I'm being flooded with information from Spirit.
Before I get on with the story, though, a word was delivered to me this morning in a sermon illustrations e-mailing that I get (of all places) that is relevant. Glibido is a word created to mean �all talk and no action.� That was me with Cassandra. I expressed lots of glibido.
In Seattle (6/4-11):
We stayed at Parker�s house, and Parker and Cassandra obviously liked each other. He was only the first of my friends who connected with her.
On Wednesday we spent most of the day going through all of my boxes of paper and sorting out what I wanted to keep. I found her offer to help me with it very touching. In the process I found some newspapers from the Ken Keyes Institute in Coos Bay that were produced after she left. She found information about and photos of people she knew, though. (More of that synchronicity that just kept happening.)
Thursday morning I went to my Awakening group. At that time I said that I was confused about my relationship with Cassandra because I loved what was going on between us, but neither of us felt spiritually called to be romantic life partners. (She and I had talked about that on our way to Seattle.)
On Thursday Leap of Faith began. I was on staff, and Cassandra was a participant. By completing the Leap, she fulfilled something that feels very important to me in a romantic partner. She liked it a lot � another thing that makes her attractive to me. (And, by the way, I think her saying that it was one of the best things she�s ever done is no small compliment for someone who�s done 25 years of intensive spiritual, psychological, and healing work with some very well-known people.)
Sunday night Cassandra and I went for a walk and got into our first (at least overt) conflict � based, in my perception, on each of our unhealed issues hooking the other�s unhealed issues. Largely the difference was that she felt pressured, and I experienced myself as being remarkably restrained. I was impressed that it only took us about 10 minutes to stop focusing on the other person�s input and for us each to begin focusing on our own (another of the many reasons for me to feel attracted to her). One of the important unhealed issues that came up for me is my old sense that my loving or feeling sexual for women drives them away and that somehow there�s something about me that�s unacceptable that I don�t know about. Cassandra also said that it looks to her like I have a hole inside that I want a woman to fill. That felt like one of the ugliest things anyone could possibly perceive about me. At that time I wasn�t fully aware of how much that�s another of my unhealed issues. We were to return to all of that during the trip back to Santa Fe.
Monday we had lunch with Ginny. I was fascinated by how much they connected and by some of the assistance that Cassandra was able to offer to Ginny. During that time I looked at her and discovered that I was rising (not falling) in love with her. Maybe I always had been. I finally acknowledged it to myself then, though.
Later that afternoon I had an appointment with Keith, the healer. Cassandra wanted to meet him, so I asked if she could come into the office with me during my session. Keith said that he�d talk with us and decide. He and Cassandra spoke for a few moments about a large crystal he has, and he said that she was holding a space for healing for me and that she could stay. At the end he walked over to her and said, �Where do we know each other from?� She replied something like, �Not from this lifetime. Maybe from another one.� Later she told me that she thinks it�s really from another realm.
While we were in Seattle (Hobart, actually), we spent nearly all of our time together except during the Leap, when I went to my group, and at night � and a couple of nights we slept beside each other � though separately - because it was cold and we both wanted to be near the fire. I continued to feel beyond comfortable with all the time together and with how much it was like we were a couple.
Her trip to OR (6/11-13):
Tuesday morning I took Cassandra to the train station for her to go to Portland for a 2-day reunion with some of her Cornucopia/Ken Keyes friends � some of the same ones we�d seen in the newspapers I�d found a few days before.
While she was away, I definitely missed her � not in an �I can�t stand to be apart� way, but more in an �I�ve felt really happy with her so intimately in my life, and my life feels less rich when she isn�t around� way.
Wednesday I got together with Mary O�Malley to talk about her coming to Santa Fe. Instead we spent a lot of time talking about other things and just a little about our plans. What was happening with Cassandra and me was one of the main things we talked about. I really wished that the 2 of them had met. They have a lot in common. I told Mary that I was still confused because, even though I was aware of being in love with Cassandra, I still didn�t feel the mad, passionate, love at first sight kind of love that I had with Wendy and Valerie. Mary suggested that maybe that kind of love is partly coming from somewhere else other than love. She said that her impression is that I need to go very slowly with Cassandra (which has never been one of my strong points). And she was very definitely focused on my pursuing it. She suggested that her perception is that the deepest loves grow out of friendships, not out of love at first sight. I came away from our conversation wanting to go for it with all due lack of haste.
That evening I got together with Tammi, one of my friends who�s in a love at first sight � or nearly so � relationship. Cassandra and me was again a major topic of conversation. Tammi seemed more on the �go for the immediate passion� side of the issue.
By the next morning when I went to Mary�s Awakening group again, I was experiencing a wild mixture of feelings and sensations. After talking a bit, though, I ended up resolving to just follow the process (as Mary says) - or to follow Spirit without hesitation. We would see what happened, and I created the intention to discover what was right, to follow Spirit, to remain as much at peace as possible, to extend love, and to have the best relationship with Cassandra that I could.
Then I was off to the train station to pick her up and make our last preparations to return to Santa Fe.
The part of the story about the return and its significance is coming in my next letter.
Namaste,
Michael
[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]
[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity
~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~
If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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Tuesday, 6/18/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.
Hi, y�all ~
�What�s this repeated �y�all�?� you may be asking. Cassandra is a native Texan, and I got used to �y�all� during the time we were traveling together. Now it feels like just a bit of a connection with her.
Here�s part 3 of my �Cassandra story.� I�ve had a significant breakthrough with all of this, so it isn�t feeling so difficult to write now. I'm being flooded with information from Spirit.
Before I get on with the story, though, a word was delivered to me this morning in a sermon illustrations e-mailing that I get (of all places) that is relevant. Glibido is a word created to mean �all talk and no action.� That was me with Cassandra. I expressed lots of glibido.
In Seattle (6/4-11):
We stayed at Parker�s house, and Parker and Cassandra obviously liked each other. He was only the first of my friends who connected with her.
On Wednesday we spent most of the day going through all of my boxes of paper and sorting out what I wanted to keep. I found her offer to help me with it very touching. In the process I found some newspapers from the Ken Keyes Institute in Coos Bay that were produced after she left. She found information about and photos of people she knew, though. (More of that synchronicity that just kept happening.)
Thursday morning I went to my Awakening group. At that time I said that I was confused about my relationship with Cassandra because I loved what was going on between us, but neither of us felt spiritually called to be romantic life partners. (She and I had talked about that on our way to Seattle.)
On Thursday Leap of Faith began. I was on staff, and Cassandra was a participant. By completing the Leap, she fulfilled something that feels very important to me in a romantic partner. She liked it a lot � another thing that makes her attractive to me. (And, by the way, I think her saying that it was one of the best things she�s ever done is no small compliment for someone who�s done 25 years of intensive spiritual, psychological, and healing work with some very well-known people.)
Sunday night Cassandra and I went for a walk and got into our first (at least overt) conflict � based, in my perception, on each of our unhealed issues hooking the other�s unhealed issues. Largely the difference was that she felt pressured, and I experienced myself as being remarkably restrained. I was impressed that it only took us about 10 minutes to stop focusing on the other person�s input and for us each to begin focusing on our own (another of the many reasons for me to feel attracted to her). One of the important unhealed issues that came up for me is my old sense that my loving or feeling sexual for women drives them away and that somehow there�s something about me that�s unacceptable that I don�t know about. Cassandra also said that it looks to her like I have a hole inside that I want a woman to fill. That felt like one of the ugliest things anyone could possibly perceive about me. At that time I wasn�t fully aware of how much that�s another of my unhealed issues. We were to return to all of that during the trip back to Santa Fe.
Monday we had lunch with Ginny. I was fascinated by how much they connected and by some of the assistance that Cassandra was able to offer to Ginny. During that time I looked at her and discovered that I was rising (not falling) in love with her. Maybe I always had been. I finally acknowledged it to myself then, though.
Later that afternoon I had an appointment with Keith, the healer. Cassandra wanted to meet him, so I asked if she could come into the office with me during my session. Keith said that he�d talk with us and decide. He and Cassandra spoke for a few moments about a large crystal he has, and he said that she was holding a space for healing for me and that she could stay. At the end he walked over to her and said, �Where do we know each other from?� She replied something like, �Not from this lifetime. Maybe from another one.� Later she told me that she thinks it�s really from another realm.
While we were in Seattle (Hobart, actually), we spent nearly all of our time together except during the Leap, when I went to my group, and at night � and a couple of nights we slept beside each other � though separately - because it was cold and we both wanted to be near the fire. I continued to feel beyond comfortable with all the time together and with how much it was like we were a couple.
Her trip to OR (6/11-13):
Tuesday morning I took Cassandra to the train station for her to go to Portland for a 2-day reunion with some of her Cornucopia/Ken Keyes friends � some of the same ones we�d seen in the newspapers I�d found a few days before.
While she was away, I definitely missed her � not in an �I can�t stand to be apart� way, but more in an �I�ve felt really happy with her so intimately in my life, and my life feels less rich when she isn�t around� way.
Wednesday I got together with Mary O�Malley to talk about her coming to Santa Fe. Instead we spent a lot of time talking about other things and just a little about our plans. What was happening with Cassandra and me was one of the main things we talked about. I really wished that the 2 of them had met. They have a lot in common. I told Mary that I was still confused because, even though I was aware of being in love with Cassandra, I still didn�t feel the mad, passionate, love at first sight kind of love that I had with Wendy and Valerie. Mary suggested that maybe that kind of love is partly coming from somewhere else other than love. She said that her impression is that I need to go very slowly with Cassandra (which has never been one of my strong points). And she was very definitely focused on my pursuing it. She suggested that her perception is that the deepest loves grow out of friendships, not out of love at first sight. I came away from our conversation wanting to go for it with all due lack of haste.
That evening I got together with Tammi, one of my friends who�s in a love at first sight � or nearly so � relationship. Cassandra and me was again a major topic of conversation. Tammi seemed more on the �go for the immediate passion� side of the issue.
By the next morning when I went to Mary�s Awakening group again, I was experiencing a wild mixture of feelings and sensations. After talking a bit, though, I ended up resolving to just follow the process (as Mary says) - or to follow Spirit without hesitation. We would see what happened, and I created the intention to discover what was right, to follow Spirit, to remain as much at peace as possible, to extend love, and to have the best relationship with Cassandra that I could.
Then I was off to the train station to pick her up and make our last preparations to return to Santa Fe.
The part of the story about the return and its significance is coming in my next letter.
Namaste,
Michael
[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]
[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity
~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~
If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read
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Monday, June 17, 2002
THIS IS MY LIFE
Monday, 6/17/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.
Hi, all of y�all ~
Part 2 of my Cassandra story. I'm going to try to summarize. And I'm finding this very difficult to write about. Obviously there�s something valuable for me here�. It must be incredibly valuable as difficult as this is feeling.
Walk through the doorway, Michael.
The trip to Seattle (6/2-4): I�ve rarely, if ever, had as much fun traveling with anyone as I did with Cassandra. We talked openly, laughed a lot, processed feelings, flirted, and learned a lot about each other.
Life gave us a great opportunity right from the beginning. Cassandra lost her wallet, containing her money, and we had the grand opportunity to see how we handled stress together. I�ve never been around anyone who handled it as well as she did.
I found my attraction to her growing very quickly. By that I again mean all kinds of attraction, not just sexual attraction. The reality, though, was that the more I admired her and the more I liked her and the more I felt affectionate toward her, the more I found her sexually attractive, too.
I teased her about touching and about sex, but (my perception) I kept my agreement with her to not make sex an issue. I hardly ever touched her and never in a sexual way, and I never made any sexual proposals (because I was genuinely committed to my agreement for us to not be sexual during the trip).
We also shared motel rooms, though not beds. The only time I even sat on her bed was once when she was processing some heavy feelings and I wanted to be more present with her. Even then I didn�t touch her.
The way she traveled with me was, in a lot of ways, more like my perception of how loving partners travel together than like how friends travel together, let alone how people who had really just met travel together. I felt more intimacy in how she was with me in our interactions than I�ve felt with most of the women I�ve been in romantic relationships with. We spent probably 23 hours a day together, and I never had any urge to get away from her. I soon began to feel like we were a couple, no matter what we were saying to each other. That was just my best representation of how we were being together.
And that�s the most important and pertinent thing I can say. Except for physically and sexually, I felt more intimate with Cassandra than I�ve felt with nearly any other person in my life, and that made all the difference to me. That�s it. Change what I said above. The more intimate I felt with her, the more sexually attracted to her I became. Writing this is the first time I�ve recognized that consciously.
Can you tell where this is going?
Part 3 in my next letter.
Namaste,
Michael
[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]
[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity
~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~
If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Monday, 6/17/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.
Hi, all of y�all ~
Part 2 of my Cassandra story. I'm going to try to summarize. And I'm finding this very difficult to write about. Obviously there�s something valuable for me here�. It must be incredibly valuable as difficult as this is feeling.
Walk through the doorway, Michael.
The trip to Seattle (6/2-4): I�ve rarely, if ever, had as much fun traveling with anyone as I did with Cassandra. We talked openly, laughed a lot, processed feelings, flirted, and learned a lot about each other.
Life gave us a great opportunity right from the beginning. Cassandra lost her wallet, containing her money, and we had the grand opportunity to see how we handled stress together. I�ve never been around anyone who handled it as well as she did.
I found my attraction to her growing very quickly. By that I again mean all kinds of attraction, not just sexual attraction. The reality, though, was that the more I admired her and the more I liked her and the more I felt affectionate toward her, the more I found her sexually attractive, too.
I teased her about touching and about sex, but (my perception) I kept my agreement with her to not make sex an issue. I hardly ever touched her and never in a sexual way, and I never made any sexual proposals (because I was genuinely committed to my agreement for us to not be sexual during the trip).
We also shared motel rooms, though not beds. The only time I even sat on her bed was once when she was processing some heavy feelings and I wanted to be more present with her. Even then I didn�t touch her.
The way she traveled with me was, in a lot of ways, more like my perception of how loving partners travel together than like how friends travel together, let alone how people who had really just met travel together. I felt more intimacy in how she was with me in our interactions than I�ve felt with most of the women I�ve been in romantic relationships with. We spent probably 23 hours a day together, and I never had any urge to get away from her. I soon began to feel like we were a couple, no matter what we were saying to each other. That was just my best representation of how we were being together.
And that�s the most important and pertinent thing I can say. Except for physically and sexually, I felt more intimate with Cassandra than I�ve felt with nearly any other person in my life, and that made all the difference to me. That�s it. Change what I said above. The more intimate I felt with her, the more sexually attracted to her I became. Writing this is the first time I�ve recognized that consciously.
Can you tell where this is going?
Part 3 in my next letter.
Namaste,
Michael
[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]
[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity
~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~
If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read
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THIS IS MY LIFE
Monday, 6/17/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.
Hi, y�all ~
I met Cassandra at Unity Santa Fe one Sunday morning April 21. I was immediately attracted to her. No, I don�t just mean physically � and I don�t not mean that, either. A big part of my attraction was energetic and appreciating who she is and how she shows up in life. Then, on top of that, the synchronicity began to appear. I always follow synchronicity, especially when there are several instances of it relating to the same person, place, or event. I�ve experienced repeatedly that synchronicity is one of the significant ways that Spirit speaks to me. The first example was this: In our talking, we discovered that she had known Kathy, who I knew for a couple of years in Seattle during the late �70s (and had almost become a housemate of), as a co-resident at Ken Keyes� Cornucopia Institute in Kentucky during the early �80s. She told me she�d let me know if she found out where Kathy is now. I had the thought that early that I might conceivably fall in love with her if circumstances were right for that.
I think that the next time I saw her was the next couple of evenings at workshops presented by Michael Ryce at Unity Santa Fe. Every time I saw her, I started a conversation with her. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her and the more I was attracted to her. At one of the workshops, I intended to sit with her, but found that she was sitting with a man. I had no idea of what their relationship was, so I backed off. After the workshop, though, I talked with her and met him. I�ve since learned that he�s �only� a friend.
Then Cassandra considered and interviewed for a job at Unity Santa Fe that would have made her my co-worker. When she decided not to take it, I was disappointed for personal reasons as well as because I thought she�d be a great addition to the staff.
After that I didn�t see her for weeks. I knew that she was going to be traveling, so I wasn�t particularly surprised that she was gone. I was surprised at how long it was, though. I trusted, however, that if it was spiritually appropriate for us to connect in any way beyond what we already had, she would come back into my life.
During that time I made plans to return to Seattle to staff Leap of Faith and to sort through my belongings and make the last of my move to Santa Fe. I planned to leave Sunday, June 2.
Early in the week before I was to leave, Cassandra called Unity Santa Fe about a tape she had ordered. I answered the phone. That was the first time I�d heard from her again. I was pleased to hear from her and not at all surprised that she had reappeared. I think this is a great story.
At the end of the conversation, after we�d finished the business about the tape, Spirit urged her to ask me if I had anything else to tell her. (Another reason for me to be attracted to her.) Spirit spoke through me, and I told her that I was leaving soon for Seattle to staff the Leap. She asked me about it and was very interested. So I asked her if she�d like to come with me to take it (another instance of Spirit speaking through me). She said that she�d look at the web site and would have to see if she could rearrange some things so she could go.
Not long after, she called and had sent in her money and was working on her schedule. Within a few days, she had rearranged her life so that she could make the trip. I was quite surprised and pleased.
What followed were a series of e-mail exchanges about traveling together that explored everything from idiosyncrasies to sex. Cassandra asked me if I was married and if there was a woman who�d be distressed by our traveling together. I was uncertain what that meant, so I asked if she was assuming that we�d sleep together (my first guess about the motivation for that question) and told her that I wasn�t assuming that, but was also open to it if it seemed right for both of us. That led to a clear agreement that we wouldn�t be sexual during our trip no matter what. (I'm making this �short.�) We also set a clear intention that our time together would be healing for both of us.
Those e-mails left me very eager to know her more. She was the most honest, open, emotionally fluent and responsible woman I�d ever had the pleasure to communicate with.
We made our plans to leave together after church on Sunday, June 2.
I'll continue with part 2 of the story in my next edition.
Namaste,
Michael
[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]
[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity
~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~
If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Monday, 6/17/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.
Hi, y�all ~
I met Cassandra at Unity Santa Fe one Sunday morning April 21. I was immediately attracted to her. No, I don�t just mean physically � and I don�t not mean that, either. A big part of my attraction was energetic and appreciating who she is and how she shows up in life. Then, on top of that, the synchronicity began to appear. I always follow synchronicity, especially when there are several instances of it relating to the same person, place, or event. I�ve experienced repeatedly that synchronicity is one of the significant ways that Spirit speaks to me. The first example was this: In our talking, we discovered that she had known Kathy, who I knew for a couple of years in Seattle during the late �70s (and had almost become a housemate of), as a co-resident at Ken Keyes� Cornucopia Institute in Kentucky during the early �80s. She told me she�d let me know if she found out where Kathy is now. I had the thought that early that I might conceivably fall in love with her if circumstances were right for that.
I think that the next time I saw her was the next couple of evenings at workshops presented by Michael Ryce at Unity Santa Fe. Every time I saw her, I started a conversation with her. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her and the more I was attracted to her. At one of the workshops, I intended to sit with her, but found that she was sitting with a man. I had no idea of what their relationship was, so I backed off. After the workshop, though, I talked with her and met him. I�ve since learned that he�s �only� a friend.
Then Cassandra considered and interviewed for a job at Unity Santa Fe that would have made her my co-worker. When she decided not to take it, I was disappointed for personal reasons as well as because I thought she�d be a great addition to the staff.
After that I didn�t see her for weeks. I knew that she was going to be traveling, so I wasn�t particularly surprised that she was gone. I was surprised at how long it was, though. I trusted, however, that if it was spiritually appropriate for us to connect in any way beyond what we already had, she would come back into my life.
During that time I made plans to return to Seattle to staff Leap of Faith and to sort through my belongings and make the last of my move to Santa Fe. I planned to leave Sunday, June 2.
Early in the week before I was to leave, Cassandra called Unity Santa Fe about a tape she had ordered. I answered the phone. That was the first time I�d heard from her again. I was pleased to hear from her and not at all surprised that she had reappeared. I think this is a great story.
At the end of the conversation, after we�d finished the business about the tape, Spirit urged her to ask me if I had anything else to tell her. (Another reason for me to be attracted to her.) Spirit spoke through me, and I told her that I was leaving soon for Seattle to staff the Leap. She asked me about it and was very interested. So I asked her if she�d like to come with me to take it (another instance of Spirit speaking through me). She said that she�d look at the web site and would have to see if she could rearrange some things so she could go.
Not long after, she called and had sent in her money and was working on her schedule. Within a few days, she had rearranged her life so that she could make the trip. I was quite surprised and pleased.
What followed were a series of e-mail exchanges about traveling together that explored everything from idiosyncrasies to sex. Cassandra asked me if I was married and if there was a woman who�d be distressed by our traveling together. I was uncertain what that meant, so I asked if she was assuming that we�d sleep together (my first guess about the motivation for that question) and told her that I wasn�t assuming that, but was also open to it if it seemed right for both of us. That led to a clear agreement that we wouldn�t be sexual during our trip no matter what. (I'm making this �short.�) We also set a clear intention that our time together would be healing for both of us.
Those e-mails left me very eager to know her more. She was the most honest, open, emotionally fluent and responsible woman I�d ever had the pleasure to communicate with.
We made our plans to leave together after church on Sunday, June 2.
I'll continue with part 2 of the story in my next edition.
Namaste,
Michael
[If you don�t already and would like to receive my letters directly via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message needed) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]
[If you�d like to read the archives of my letters and/or holiday letters and travel reports I've written since 1977, visit http://forums.delphiforums.com/ThisIsMyLife/messages]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT THIS IS MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Is My Life is my letters to my family, friends, and whoever else may be interested about whatever is meaningful to me in my life. I don't guarantee anything about content or frequency. The letters will be whatever they turn out to be. If you want the best option available for keeping up with what�s happening with me, though, this is it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COPIES AND FORWARDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You�re welcome to freely redistribute This Is My Life (my letters) if you think someone might be interested in reading it. Please don�t use any of it for profit, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY COMMUNITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another excellent way to know what�s going on with me is to join the Heart Song Community e-mail list. That�s an e-mail community that provides opportunity for discussing a variety of topics and sharing about our personal lives. You can get more information and join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity
~~~~~~~~~
MY WORK
~~~~~~~~~
If you�re interested in my work, I invite you to take a look at the Heart Song Schedules. They provide information about the e-zines, classes, workshops, retreats, ministry, and other programs offered by Heart Song Institute, Heart Song Associates, and Heart Song Ministry. See the most recent schedules at either http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule/messages or http://www.topica.com/lists/HSSchedule@igc.topica.com/read
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