THIS IS MY LIFE
Saturday, 6/29/2002
Copyright (c) 2002, Michael (Dickerson) Deluno. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction or quotation is strictly prohibited without permission.

Hi, all ~

I will write about the issues I�ve addressed and healed in the process of my adventure with Cassandra sooner or later. I'm not quite ready to do that yet, though. In the meantime, I want to update you on the events that have occurred. It�s a quite unusual story in my own experience.

The approach I�ve chosen to take with this is the one I�d like always to take when I'm in conflict with someone I care about. Rather than either look where to place blame or how to fix my relationship with Cassandra so that I�d get what I want, I�ve chosen to observe, investigate my own input into what happened, do my healing work with what has arisen into my awareness, and hold it all in love and faith all the while. My highest priority was to awaken in me more of who I really am so that I could show up in life as a more loving, healing, present human being.

Part of the process was remarkable to me and brings tears to my eyes. I stayed in conversation with her during this time with no intention whatsoever to get her to change, and what�s even more remarkable to me, she stayed in the conversation with me no matter how frustrated or angry she felt. I experienced a true commitment to the highest in our relationship and each other, whatever that might be.

On Saturday the 22nd, I participated in a ceremony called the Circle of Light, facilitated by John Martinez at Unity Santa Fe. It�s a ceremony of healing and release. By that time I�d identified my primary issue, the one that not only was the major contributor in causing problems with Cassandra, but also has been a huge problem for me all my life. So, that�s what I chose as the focus of the Circle of Light ceremony. Ceremony and ritual are, for me, what I call �deceptively powerful.�

On Tuesday the 25th, we had a follow-up scheduled in the evening. Just before it was to begin, Cassandra showed up at the church. We talked briefly, and she said that she wanted to process some things in person, so we agreed to get together to do that. Then John and I talked for nearly an hour (since I was the only one who showed up for the follow-up). That was also very helpful for me in integrating the shifts I was experiencing in my issue (which, as I said, I'll talk about when I'm more ready to). By that time I was to a place of being very grateful for Cassandra being exactly who she is and acting exactly as she has all along. Without that, I might not have reached the clarity that I now have on what has been my �fatal flaw� in relationships.

The next evening I went largely out of curiosity to a presentation and demonstration by Tom Stone of Human Software Engineering, a technology for making rapid and profound changes in the energy patterns that are our issues. When he asked for a volunteer to demonstrate it, I jumped at the chance. There I experienced another shift in the issue. (An aside: I'm fascinated by Human Software Engineering � even though I don�t like the name. If it really works as well as he says it does, it�s pretty amazing. I know that the results were impressive in the short run with everyone who volunteered for a demonstration and that they�ve seemed to continue with me.)

The next day, Thursday, Cassandra called me at work. She was clearing out her storage, preparing to leave Santa Fe. (Have I ever mentioned that all along she�s been saying that she�s being guided to leave? Last I heard, she still doesn�t know where she�s going, but she�ll be on her way probably on this coming Monday.) So I offered to help her after I got off work. It seemed only right since she had helped me clear out my stuff to move it from WA to Santa Fe.

Making what could turn into a long story much shorter, we ended up having a really nice time together. After the storage place closed, I went over to where she�s staying and had dinner with her. As a sign of how healed I was, I was able to talk with her about what had happened and what we had both learned about our input (because she, too, was doing her own processing of her own part in it) and still eat. (I tend to not want to eat when I'm distressed.) It was quite amazing. I felt really clean and healed of the issue that had caused the problem � even though I still felt quite in love with her.

I'm noticing that it�s difficult to talk about this meaningfully without talking about the issue. Okay, briefly, the issue was that I�ve experienced an emptiness inside and a compulsive need for affection and to be loved in an attempt to fill it. And that�s been the �fatal flaw� that drove women away from me (and I'll say more about it later).

So, clarifying the last thing I said in the paragraph before, I was able to be with her with no need for her to be affectionate or to love me, even though I was still quite in love with her.

After dinner, we watched a video together that I�ve been wanting to see for a long time: �Bliss.� It�s a movie about sexual healing and learning to love (no accident about what it was). I recommend it to anyone who cares about relationships.

Friday we talked on the phone again, and Cassandra said that she still didn�t have a place to stay Saturday night after returning from Albuquerque and the workshop she was attending. She asked if my offer of a place to stay was still good. So, she�s on her way here as I write this. It�s something that I would never have imagined possible a week ago. We�re back to being friends who can spend time together in close proximity to each other.

And she�s still on track to leave town.

More later in the great saga, and more later about the issues I�ve faced, too.

Namaste,
Michael

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