Sunday, 11/10/02

My life seems to me like an on-going series of highlights lately. How things have changed for me in a year! A year ago at this time I was back in Seattle for the second phase of my move and, other than Leap of Faith, pet sitting, and Mary O�Malley�s group, I wasn�t involved in much.

A week ago Friday at my Power of Now group only 2 of us showed up. That turned out to be perfect. After doing a meditation and some introductory talk about the topics for the evening, T and I got into a talk about our relationship.

I had some withholds with her that I needed to reveal in order to feel clear with her. One of them, for example, was that I feel attracted to her and that I also don�t feel inclined toward a romantic or sexual relationship with her. If I'm going to have any kind of close relationship with a woman, I seem to need to talk about whatever attraction I have to her. Otherwise it feels like a sticky energy field hanging in the space between us, and every interaction I have with her passes through that. Once I talk about it, the energy changes and it goes onto a back burner (mixing metaphors).

I notice that I wrote about that from the consciousness of psychological time, bringing the past into the Now and talking as if Now is always the same as then was. I'm really getting this Power of Now stuff. Of course, that it�s similar to what we did in Mary�s group for years and to what I experienced via A Course in Miracles and to what I�ve learned in quite a few other places contributes to my getting it. But there�s something about Now that it�s taking in me. I'm beginning to realize, really get it, that the past doesn�t control my Now, that I can make any choice in the Now, that I don�t have to be consistent with what was in an earlier now.

Anyway, the most important thing that came from my talk with T reminded me of what happened with C (you probably know who I mean if you�ve been reading my letters since this past summer). Translating into my language for it, she said that sometimes there�s something about my energy that feels threatening. What I believe about feedback is that it�s always about the consciousness of the perceiver and that, if similar feedback comes from 2 or more people, odds are that it�s also valuable feedback (though possibly a carnival mirror version) for me.

So, I'm investigating what in me might feel threatening to some women (or maybe even to some people). If it�s there (and I suspect that it probably is), it must be an expression of a disowned subpersonality. What arises is that I carry anger about some women having rejected me and treated me �like nothing� (how my ego-mind has interpreted it). Thus, if I feel attracted to a woman, it�s possible that my pain body leaks that into the current relationship without my awareness (or conscious intention). And it�s also possible that my ego-mind leaks a desire for revenge (also without my awareness or conscious intention) into the Now. That feels accurate, much to my chagrin. Okay, what to do about it? I'm asking my guidance, not you or other people. I wonder if bringing it to my awareness and acknowledging it will shift it.

For the past 2 Saturday evenings, I showed a video of an Eckhart Tolle workshop at Unity Santa Fe for anyone who wanted to come and see it. It�s been fun watching it with other people. I notice that whenever I�ve put my attention into his consciousness (by reading, by facilitating my group, by listening to his audio tapes, or by watching his videos), I�ve also moved more into that consciousness. I�ve become more present, more peaceful, quieter in my consciousness. For whatever reason, it�s very powerful for me.

There�s a lot that�s meaningful in the first tape, but one thing stood out for me above everything else (this time, at least). Eckhart talked about how we invest our identity in various aspects of our mind and our past and that we try to use that to appear to be special and important (my words for it). Some of you know that this is an issue I�ve been facing in a variety of different guises for a long time. I�ve been reluctant to take back some of my work because of how much I had my identity invested in it � how much I did it for the applause and the sense of importance it gave me instead of just because it was what was mine to do. I needed it to make me somebody. Sounds like another aspect of the issue I mentioned with women and how they treated me in the past, doesn�t it?

There have also been things I wouldn�t do in the past because they wouldn�t (in my perception) contribute to my being a special somebody. So I'm now choosing to do things that to my ego-mind seem beneath me, unimpressive � the kinds of things a nobody would do. And I'm learning to be at peace with being a nobody. Interestingly enough, in the second of the videos, Eckhart talked about that, too, and about how he doesn�t see himself as anybody special.

Okay, I admit it. I'm a nobody. And if people don�t appreciate me just for who I am, without all the mind identifications of importance, then so be it. My ego-mind says that I�ve doomed myself to be alone and isolated and disregarded. And I find sadness arising within my pain body as I notice that. All my life my ego-mind has told me that the only way to be cared about and noticed was to impress people, and here I am giving that up.

What comes next is oddly synchronistic. This past week�s theme in our Power of Now series at Unity Santa Fe has been relationships. In her lesson last Sunday morning, Brendalyn talked about putting herself out there to risk whatever may come from being open to a romantic relationship. I identified and felt inspired to do the same. And what arose in my consciousness? The belief that I'm not impressive enough right now for anyone I�d want to be with to want me, too. My ego-mind can recite a whole litany of �I'm not ___ enough to be loved by the kind of woman I want to be with.�

So, I ask myself, am I looking for a woman who�s impressive? That�s a question to hang out with, not to answer immediately.

Jumping lightly to something a lot less emotionally triggering for me . . . I�ve been loving all the snow we�ve been having lately. It�s snowed several times. Last Monday I had 3� of it on my car when I went out to go to work. Of course, it melted by the afternoon, as it apparently often does here. I felt great joy, though, driving to work and seeing the snow on the ground and the trees and the mountains all around. There�s something nearly ecstatic for me every day when I drive to work and see directly in front of me the mountains covered with snow. They really aren�t far off � literally a matter of minutes away. My heart sings in response to snow covered mountains.

The world, however, has been offering my ego-mind lots of opportunities to raise my pain body into my face. Pres. Bush is pushing war, and Walter Cronkite is predicting World War III. To this long-time peace activist (since the days of the Viet Nam war), that�s very emotionally upsetting. Paul Wellstone�s death (and, I suspect, murder; there�s significant evidence that suggests that to me) has brought up lots of feelings. And then the election . . . my mind can�t fathom how people could possibly have elected many of the people they did. It�s sent me off projecting a lot of disappointing and even disastrous consequences in this country and in the world.

What an opportunity to practice being in the Now. And so I pay attention to my breath. In the Now, all is well.

On the other hand, the election results were mixed in New Mexico, and some of the people I least wanted in office were not elected. The Green Party did receive enough votes to regain major party status. And the Santa Fe City Council passed a resolution a week ago Wednesday opposing military action against Iraq. I'm grateful to be living in a place that isn�t part of the war mongering. The Council also voted for a resolution directing police to not cooperate with federal authorities under the Patriot Act in cases where in their judgment it violates civil rights guaranteed under the Constitution. This reminds me of my days in Berkeley.

Another challenge that has resulted in my finding myself slipping into the pain body fairly frequently and fairly deeply has been the computers at work not functioning as desired (an understatement) at work. Ego-mind would have me blame circumstances and events for that, all the while gloating at its success.

Fortunately I work with people who are also into The Power of Now. We help each other remember. One day, in the midst of the possible loss of significant data on our computer, one of my coworkers called for us all to go into the Now for a bit. (She just says, "Ring the bell" referring to a set of the Tibetan chimes that we have � like Eckhart uses.) It helped briefly. The pain body can be really tenacious and determined.

Back again to the highlights:

Someone suggested that the e-mail list I began last year for the yearly A Season for Nonviolence might become the international networking list for the project and spoke to the Season director about it. So, tomorrow I'll be writing to her and offering to co-facilitate the list. I also began putting my team together today for this year�s A Season for Nonviolence activities in Santa Fe.

My friend Kerry has offered me a month of free coaching services, and I�ve been taking him up on it. It has been quite valuable for me. Friday (a couple of days ago) I came to an important realization. I�ve been exploring what makes me such a packrat of things, activities, people, and experiences. I have such a difficult time letting go of anything that matters at all to me, even if it interferes with other things that are more important to me. It�s so extreme that I hold onto e-mail that I'll never read, years old magazines, fantasies about relationships that ended long ago or never were long ago, and plans that I'll never have time to follow through with. I discovered 2 important things in my consciousness: First, I fear making the �wrong� choice and being overwhelmed with regret. Clearly a pain body thing. Even more impactful, I realized that I don�t want to face grieving for the things I�d let go of.

And I made a choice to begin letting go and walking into the grief. It feels right under the surface much of the time now.

That�s a highlight for me, you�ll notice.

This past Friday evening my Power of Now group met again. Our theme this week, as I said before, was relationships. The most significant thing that arose for me was that I miss having the kind of close friends that I did in Seattle. I know that it takes time for that, and I know that I�ve already developed lots of casual friends, and I'm still feeling a hole in my life. There�s some of that grieving over letting go of people (at least of being in the same city with them). I committed myself to beginning to develop closer friendships.

The high-impact recognition from part 2 of the Eckhart Tolle video yesterday evening relates to his story about hanging out on a park bench for 2 years while he waited for his enlightenment to take. I realized that I also have a version of sitting on the park bench. From June, 1997, to March, 2002, my version of that was not doing much of any real importance (and having lots of people judge me about that). I, too, was hanging out waiting for some things to take in my consciousness. And now I'm slowly beginning to take things back. Is it really time? We shall see.

Today, after church, I had lunch with M, a friend from Unity Santa Fe and a pet sitting client. See how quickly I move when I really commit to getting closer to people? I was really touched. Her cats and she gave me a gift � a set of Tibetan chimes, something I�ve been wanting for a long time. Now I can �ring the bell� at home or in my workshops and groups.

So, as I said, it�s been quite a week and a half.

And you? How are things with you?

Warmly,
Michael

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