Tuesday, 11/25/03
I regret that it�s been so long since I communicated anything. My computer has been malfunctioning for months � and still isn�t working correctly. It took me quite a while to compose this message using copy and paste.
My life has been full. Antoinette is living here in Santa Fe, and a lot has happened between us. I�m growing in my love for her. More when I can write more easily.
Currently I�m experiencing serious health problems (again), and I�ve been in the ER 3 times in the past week and a half. I�d appreciate it if you�d pray or treat for me and, if you�re a healer, if you�d do some distance healing for me.
I can receive and read e-mail, just not write too well (because the m, n, h, j, y, u, 6 and 7 keys don�t work). I�d love to hear how things are going with you.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
http://www.blurty.com/users/ohanamd
http://ohanamd.diary-x.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Monday, September 15, 2003
What's the point?
My last message and some replies to it and to previous messages inspired this one.
A lot of people write journals and publish them on the internet. Perhaps you're wondering why we all do that. I know some of you don't understand the point of my writing about my process on Saturday evening and other similar messages.
Well, I don't know why everyone else does it. I haven't asked all of them. In fact, I haven't asked any of them. However, I do know at least a few of the reasons that I do.
Here are a few of them:
1. It's a way for people who might be interested in doing so to get to know me more deeply. Anyone who is interested has the option to read what I write, and those who aren't have the option not to read it. By being exceptionally open about whatever is going on with me, you get to know me in a way that's not the common Middle American way. I don't have a great need for privacy, and I do have a greater need for intimacy - which is, in part, a function of vulnerable openness.
One very relevant example: Prior to our meeting, Antoinette read all of my journal-letters that she could find. I think she knew my history better than I did. She admitted recently that she began to have a bit of a crush on me just from reading those messages, even before we met in person.
2. I like attention. "Yes," some of you are thinking, "I knew it." It's the same part of me that gets me up in front of groups performing. I think most of us like attention in some ways from some people. I just like more of it than a lot of people do. I know that some people have judgments about wanting attention. I suggest that those judgments may be a reflection of negative messages we received as children about attention-seeking. I think wanting attention is fine. It's only a problem when it's out of balance and becomes compulsive and desperate or when it's about wanting all attention and isn't balanced by giving others attention, too.
3. I hope maybe occasionally someone will be entertained by some of what I write. I know that's true sometimes.
4. Most of all, though, I hope that it will make a difference in some way to some of the people who read it. There are lots of autobiographical books that have become best sellers because readers have gotten value from the authors' self-disclosure. I think of some of Richard Bach's books (for example, Bridge Across Forever), Francis Horn's I Want One Thing, Marlo Morgan's Mutant Messages Down Under, a lot of Alan Cohen's material. . . come to think of it, a lot of the books I value most are at least partly autobiographical. I hope that something I experience, some insight I gain, some thought I have, some process I go through, some way that I deal with issues, some something I write about will facilitate some kind of breakthrough or provide an idea or suggest a new way of doing something that's important to some of the people who read my journal-letters.
Actually, that's now beyond a hope. I know from some of the feedback I've received that it's already happened, and I feel blessed and honored by that.
Specifically regarding my process Saturday evening . . . One of the things I hope some people will get is an idea of a different way of handling feelings related to another person than the one I learned as a child. I hope other people will feel validated in their way of dealing with their own feelings related to others. My intention is to observe feelings and detach myself from them, to treat them as interesting phenomena, to own my responsibility for them, to open to learning about loving, to communicate what's true for me, to ask Spirit for a higher way, and to be open about that process. That works for me.
What I'm not doing is suffering, asking people for advice, making myself out to be a victim, building it all up into a big deal, blaming her, wanting her to fix it for me, hiding it so other people won't see my weaknesses, or any of the other approaches I learned in my family of origin and from culture in general.
That's it, folks. That's why I write these. Maybe someday some of my journal-letters will become the foundation for a book. We shall see. If so, you can say you read some of it in its original form.
Now I'm wondering why all those other people write their online journals.
Warmly,
Michael
A lot of people write journals and publish them on the internet. Perhaps you're wondering why we all do that. I know some of you don't understand the point of my writing about my process on Saturday evening and other similar messages.
Well, I don't know why everyone else does it. I haven't asked all of them. In fact, I haven't asked any of them. However, I do know at least a few of the reasons that I do.
Here are a few of them:
1. It's a way for people who might be interested in doing so to get to know me more deeply. Anyone who is interested has the option to read what I write, and those who aren't have the option not to read it. By being exceptionally open about whatever is going on with me, you get to know me in a way that's not the common Middle American way. I don't have a great need for privacy, and I do have a greater need for intimacy - which is, in part, a function of vulnerable openness.
One very relevant example: Prior to our meeting, Antoinette read all of my journal-letters that she could find. I think she knew my history better than I did. She admitted recently that she began to have a bit of a crush on me just from reading those messages, even before we met in person.
2. I like attention. "Yes," some of you are thinking, "I knew it." It's the same part of me that gets me up in front of groups performing. I think most of us like attention in some ways from some people. I just like more of it than a lot of people do. I know that some people have judgments about wanting attention. I suggest that those judgments may be a reflection of negative messages we received as children about attention-seeking. I think wanting attention is fine. It's only a problem when it's out of balance and becomes compulsive and desperate or when it's about wanting all attention and isn't balanced by giving others attention, too.
3. I hope maybe occasionally someone will be entertained by some of what I write. I know that's true sometimes.
4. Most of all, though, I hope that it will make a difference in some way to some of the people who read it. There are lots of autobiographical books that have become best sellers because readers have gotten value from the authors' self-disclosure. I think of some of Richard Bach's books (for example, Bridge Across Forever), Francis Horn's I Want One Thing, Marlo Morgan's Mutant Messages Down Under, a lot of Alan Cohen's material. . . come to think of it, a lot of the books I value most are at least partly autobiographical. I hope that something I experience, some insight I gain, some thought I have, some process I go through, some way that I deal with issues, some something I write about will facilitate some kind of breakthrough or provide an idea or suggest a new way of doing something that's important to some of the people who read my journal-letters.
Actually, that's now beyond a hope. I know from some of the feedback I've received that it's already happened, and I feel blessed and honored by that.
Specifically regarding my process Saturday evening . . . One of the things I hope some people will get is an idea of a different way of handling feelings related to another person than the one I learned as a child. I hope other people will feel validated in their way of dealing with their own feelings related to others. My intention is to observe feelings and detach myself from them, to treat them as interesting phenomena, to own my responsibility for them, to open to learning about loving, to communicate what's true for me, to ask Spirit for a higher way, and to be open about that process. That works for me.
What I'm not doing is suffering, asking people for advice, making myself out to be a victim, building it all up into a big deal, blaming her, wanting her to fix it for me, hiding it so other people won't see my weaknesses, or any of the other approaches I learned in my family of origin and from culture in general.
That's it, folks. That's why I write these. Maybe someday some of my journal-letters will become the foundation for a book. We shall see. If so, you can say you read some of it in its original form.
Now I'm wondering why all those other people write their online journals.
Warmly,
Michael
Saturday, September 13, 2003
Waiting
9/13/03
This is interesting� I'm waiting for time to call Antoinette, and I'm going through the arising of some inner garbage. If things have gone as planned, she�s out with a male friend she�s known for quite a while (15 years or more). They�re going shopping, to dinner, and then to a movie. That�s nothing that I haven�t done with women friends, and I don�t have any objections to her doing that with a friend. But my insecurities are surfacing as I think about it.
I don�t feel extremely anxious, and I do feel a bit of anxiety. But I keep having fantasies about her doing romantic things with him, deciding she�d rather be with him than with me, and ending up spending the night with him (which I know she wouldn�t do because of being at her mother�s apartment).
I wonder if I�d be going through all of this if she were committed to our relationship (by my definition of it). As long as she isn�t certain she wants to be with me for the long run, I know there�s a chance she�ll find someone else she�d rather be with and break up with me to be with him. Of course, my self-doubts keep reminding me of that. With every man I ask myself, �Could this be the one?� I'm looking to her to create my inner security by committing. That doesn�t work. My inner security can only come from within.
And, yes, I think I�d still be going through all of this even if she were committed. The part of me that doubts myself wouldn�t believe that she really was.
Anyway, that�s my work to do. It isn�t her job to fix it by changing her behavior, thoughts, or feelings. I have to find security no matter what she does. Maybe then I wouldn�t waste my time while she�s spending time with a friend imagining that it�s something that it isn�t.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
http://www.blurty.com/users/ohanamd
http://ohanamd.diary-x.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
This is interesting� I'm waiting for time to call Antoinette, and I'm going through the arising of some inner garbage. If things have gone as planned, she�s out with a male friend she�s known for quite a while (15 years or more). They�re going shopping, to dinner, and then to a movie. That�s nothing that I haven�t done with women friends, and I don�t have any objections to her doing that with a friend. But my insecurities are surfacing as I think about it.
I don�t feel extremely anxious, and I do feel a bit of anxiety. But I keep having fantasies about her doing romantic things with him, deciding she�d rather be with him than with me, and ending up spending the night with him (which I know she wouldn�t do because of being at her mother�s apartment).
I wonder if I�d be going through all of this if she were committed to our relationship (by my definition of it). As long as she isn�t certain she wants to be with me for the long run, I know there�s a chance she�ll find someone else she�d rather be with and break up with me to be with him. Of course, my self-doubts keep reminding me of that. With every man I ask myself, �Could this be the one?� I'm looking to her to create my inner security by committing. That doesn�t work. My inner security can only come from within.
And, yes, I think I�d still be going through all of this even if she were committed. The part of me that doubts myself wouldn�t believe that she really was.
Anyway, that�s my work to do. It isn�t her job to fix it by changing her behavior, thoughts, or feelings. I have to find security no matter what she does. Maybe then I wouldn�t waste my time while she�s spending time with a friend imagining that it�s something that it isn�t.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
http://www.blurty.com/users/ohanamd
http://ohanamd.diary-x.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Sunday, September 07, 2003
Sunday report
9/4/03
As I write this, Antoinette is about half an hour from taking off to fly from Maui to Houston and then on to Detroit. She�ll be there a bit less than 3 weeks, and then she�ll come to Santa Fe. I'm feeling pretty excited.
9/7/03
Today is my sister�s birthday, just for the record. You are keeping record, aren�t you?
I meant to write more on Thursday and didn�t get it done. I don�t remember why now. I'm guessing that I probably started to fall asleep.
Anyway, Antoinette is in Hamtramck with her mother now. (Yes, that�s spelled correctly, even though it�s pronounced with 3 syllables.) She�ll be here in approximately 17 days. I�ve been talking with her every day. So far she�s mostly been getting over jet lag from her 15 hours of traveling and 6 hours change in time from Hawaii time to Eastern time. It�s a huge shift in our relationship for her to be 2 hours ahead of me instead of 4 hours behind.
There�ve been lots of other highlights in my life the past 6 days, too. I guess that qualifies me as having an eventful life.
I'm recovering physically, and I'm doing some of the healing work I need to do � but not all. It�s bringing up some inner conflict in me. One voice in me says that I can rely on my faith in mental, spiritual, and complementary healing Another voice says the allopaths are right, that I need medication, biopsies, and surgery. The first voice knows that appearances aren�t Reality and that allopathic beliefs are limitations in consciousness that most people have agreed to give energy to. The second voice thinks that�s all fantasy, that the body is really in control of my life. The first voice inspires inner peace, hope, and confidence. The second voice depresses me. Consequently, I�ve been slipping into a bit of feeling depressed now and then.
Wednesday evening in Brendalyn�s class (�Life Is a Prayer�) that inner conflict rose directly into awareness. It�s a class about prayer, about faith, about living a spiritually grounded life. And what came up was the consciousness legacy of my youth and Middle American consciousness that says, �What you see is what you get.� In my family of origin, the norm was to be depressed and to think negatively. All positive thinking was considered �wishful thinking.� And here I am, having rebelled against my family, having adopted a spiritual life, a life of hope, a life of faith, a positive consciousness. Yet, the legacy of my past and the ever-present race consciousness of Middle America fight my chosen path inside for primacy. It doesn�t come easy to maintain my faith. It is an act of never-ending vigilance and choosing once again, as A Course in Miracles calls it. I choose faith. I choose an alternative consciousness. I choose to divorce myself from my family�s legacy and from the consciousness of Middle America. And I choose all that no matter what. Despite the inner conflict, I choose to live and, if necessary, to die by faith, positive thinking, and love. Love, I haven�t mentioned that. Love. The legacy was about fear. Middle American consciousness is about fear. I choose another way. I will die for that choice, so I�ve found something to live for.
Brendalyn�s class was great � 19 people who were all involved and eager to advance in their life of prayer. If you live here in Santa Fe, I recommend attending this coming Wednesday. We laughed a lot, too.
At the risk of I don�t know what, I'll pass along a joke that was told in the class. Do you know what�s the worst thing about being an atheist? . . . . . . . . . . . . No one to talk to during orgasm.
With that, I'll stop for this time � even though I'm not caught up to present. Tomorrow I'll write about Thursday and after.
And you? What�s going on with you?
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
As I write this, Antoinette is about half an hour from taking off to fly from Maui to Houston and then on to Detroit. She�ll be there a bit less than 3 weeks, and then she�ll come to Santa Fe. I'm feeling pretty excited.
9/7/03
Today is my sister�s birthday, just for the record. You are keeping record, aren�t you?
I meant to write more on Thursday and didn�t get it done. I don�t remember why now. I'm guessing that I probably started to fall asleep.
Anyway, Antoinette is in Hamtramck with her mother now. (Yes, that�s spelled correctly, even though it�s pronounced with 3 syllables.) She�ll be here in approximately 17 days. I�ve been talking with her every day. So far she�s mostly been getting over jet lag from her 15 hours of traveling and 6 hours change in time from Hawaii time to Eastern time. It�s a huge shift in our relationship for her to be 2 hours ahead of me instead of 4 hours behind.
There�ve been lots of other highlights in my life the past 6 days, too. I guess that qualifies me as having an eventful life.
I'm recovering physically, and I'm doing some of the healing work I need to do � but not all. It�s bringing up some inner conflict in me. One voice in me says that I can rely on my faith in mental, spiritual, and complementary healing Another voice says the allopaths are right, that I need medication, biopsies, and surgery. The first voice knows that appearances aren�t Reality and that allopathic beliefs are limitations in consciousness that most people have agreed to give energy to. The second voice thinks that�s all fantasy, that the body is really in control of my life. The first voice inspires inner peace, hope, and confidence. The second voice depresses me. Consequently, I�ve been slipping into a bit of feeling depressed now and then.
Wednesday evening in Brendalyn�s class (�Life Is a Prayer�) that inner conflict rose directly into awareness. It�s a class about prayer, about faith, about living a spiritually grounded life. And what came up was the consciousness legacy of my youth and Middle American consciousness that says, �What you see is what you get.� In my family of origin, the norm was to be depressed and to think negatively. All positive thinking was considered �wishful thinking.� And here I am, having rebelled against my family, having adopted a spiritual life, a life of hope, a life of faith, a positive consciousness. Yet, the legacy of my past and the ever-present race consciousness of Middle America fight my chosen path inside for primacy. It doesn�t come easy to maintain my faith. It is an act of never-ending vigilance and choosing once again, as A Course in Miracles calls it. I choose faith. I choose an alternative consciousness. I choose to divorce myself from my family�s legacy and from the consciousness of Middle America. And I choose all that no matter what. Despite the inner conflict, I choose to live and, if necessary, to die by faith, positive thinking, and love. Love, I haven�t mentioned that. Love. The legacy was about fear. Middle American consciousness is about fear. I choose another way. I will die for that choice, so I�ve found something to live for.
Brendalyn�s class was great � 19 people who were all involved and eager to advance in their life of prayer. If you live here in Santa Fe, I recommend attending this coming Wednesday. We laughed a lot, too.
At the risk of I don�t know what, I'll pass along a joke that was told in the class. Do you know what�s the worst thing about being an atheist? . . . . . . . . . . . . No one to talk to during orgasm.
With that, I'll stop for this time � even though I'm not caught up to present. Tomorrow I'll write about Thursday and after.
And you? What�s going on with you?
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Another 8 days
9/2/03
Time seems to be flying by. It�s been another 8 days since I wrote about my relationship with Antoinette and what�s happened with Cassandra. In one way I'm happy that time seems to be going so fast. It�s only 22 days + or � a few until Antoinette arrives in Santa Fe to begin her new life and our new life together. That feels like no time at all � especially compared to the 4 months that it was when she left. I could use some loving and cuddling right now (as if there�s a time when that isn�t true).
Besides my health issues, that I wrote about in another letter yesterday, and my ongoing telephone relationship with Antoinette, the other most important thing about the past week was Marianne Williamson�s talk on Thursday and everything related to that.
I was very busy with preparations � including lots of answering the phone and selling tickets. The thing I was most excited about and ultimately most proud of, though, was producing a brochure of coming events that was handed out to everyone at the event. I think it turned out quite wonderfully, if I do say so myself. Lots of people learned about events that I care about through it � Stephen Simon�s workshops, Marshall Rosenberg�s appearance, Karen McPhee�s next workshops, Leslie Temple-Thurston�s darshans, and my own groups, most notably.
Wednesday, the day before Marianne�s event, I led Unity Santa Fe�s prayer and healing service (as I had the week before). It felt quite natural, and it added to how incredibly busy I was. Ah, the wonder of mixed feelings.
Then on Thursday, amidst all the rush of last-minute preparations, I had the opportunity to leave for a couple of hours to pick up my friend MJ from the hospital following outpatient surgery. We also stopped to get her meds on the way home. I believe that there was a spiritual purpose in my getting away from the chaos for a while. It gave me the time to chill out some and really get ready for the evening.
My job at the event was to take care of the entrance stage left and to be there to open the door for Marianne when she arrived. Thus I called myself Marianne�s personal doorman.
While I was standing at my position, I got into a conversation with the audio guy who had been hired for the evening. That turned out to be a meeting full of synchronicity. Matt, the audio guy has his offices in La Fonda Hotel and works with a number of other hotels. I learned some valuable information from him about Santa Fe hotels and possible jobs for Antoinette.
Digressing, that reminds me that Antoinette also experienced some synchronicity last week. A couple staying at the Ritz-Carlton Kapalua Hotel was from Santa Fe. They befriended each other, and it turned out that a relative is retiring from one of the Santa Fe hotels and might be able to get her a job there. There�s a lot more to it, but that�s Antoinette�s story, if she chooses to tell it.
There are many stories I could tell about Antoinette. It�s important for me to remember to tell my own, not hers, even though we are so involved. Our relationship doesn�t mean I have the right to reveal her life in ways that she doesn�t choose. It�s difficult sometimes for me to distinguish what�s mine to tell and what isn�t, though, given how much our lives are intertwined.
Back now to Thursday evening. Apparently Marianne asked for someone to rub her feet during the break between her talk and the question and answer period. Consequently Peg asked Cassandra to do it, and she did. The result of that was that Cassandra encouraged Marianne to plug Marshall Rosenberg�s appearance here since what he teaches is so much in alignment with what Marianne was saying. Marianne was familiar with Marshall and highly respects his work, so she did give a wonderful recommendation for his lecture.
Marianne also gave a great recommendation for Unity Santa Fe, suggesting that everyone go there if they aren�t already. I wonder how many people will attend as a result.
Marianne�s talk and answers to the questions were very inspiring to me (as her messages always are). I know that what she said is true for me � that I need to turn my life over to God and stop trying to do it all myself (though that isn�t really a new insight � just one I'm not paying enough attention to). I want to get a copy of the tape that was made and listen to it again. There was so much of value in what she said, and I didn�t take notes.
Afterwards I met Consuelo�s daughter, her former husband and his new partner, and a long-term friend. It was fun meeting her daughter because I had recently seen her in �Milagro Beanfield Wars.� She played the older daughter of the lead character. She was only 8 then and had just had her 24th birthday on Wednesday.
What else? It looks like the Santa Fe Spiritual Cinema Community may finally take off. Stephen Simon (renowned producer and now director of �Indigo,� which will be released later this year) has agreed to attend our Spiritual Movie Night on 9/27. We�ll be showing his film �What Dreams May Come.�
And the following month we�ll be showing �Milagro Beanfield Wars.� That night one of the actresses, one of the casting directors, and the mother of one of the child actresses will be there. All of them are one person � Consuelo. Maybe her daughter will come, too, and we�ll have 2 of the actresses from the film. Consuelo has offered to give some insights and fun stories about the making of the film. She also said she�d talk about her day in bed with Robert Redford (said with a grin and a twinkle in her eye). I'm guessing he directed her in a scene in which she was in bed, though I'm not sure. There was one such scene in �MBW,� but it got cut down to just a glimpse of her through a crack in the door in John Hurt�s house.
Well, it was a week (plus a day).
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Time seems to be flying by. It�s been another 8 days since I wrote about my relationship with Antoinette and what�s happened with Cassandra. In one way I'm happy that time seems to be going so fast. It�s only 22 days + or � a few until Antoinette arrives in Santa Fe to begin her new life and our new life together. That feels like no time at all � especially compared to the 4 months that it was when she left. I could use some loving and cuddling right now (as if there�s a time when that isn�t true).
Besides my health issues, that I wrote about in another letter yesterday, and my ongoing telephone relationship with Antoinette, the other most important thing about the past week was Marianne Williamson�s talk on Thursday and everything related to that.
I was very busy with preparations � including lots of answering the phone and selling tickets. The thing I was most excited about and ultimately most proud of, though, was producing a brochure of coming events that was handed out to everyone at the event. I think it turned out quite wonderfully, if I do say so myself. Lots of people learned about events that I care about through it � Stephen Simon�s workshops, Marshall Rosenberg�s appearance, Karen McPhee�s next workshops, Leslie Temple-Thurston�s darshans, and my own groups, most notably.
Wednesday, the day before Marianne�s event, I led Unity Santa Fe�s prayer and healing service (as I had the week before). It felt quite natural, and it added to how incredibly busy I was. Ah, the wonder of mixed feelings.
Then on Thursday, amidst all the rush of last-minute preparations, I had the opportunity to leave for a couple of hours to pick up my friend MJ from the hospital following outpatient surgery. We also stopped to get her meds on the way home. I believe that there was a spiritual purpose in my getting away from the chaos for a while. It gave me the time to chill out some and really get ready for the evening.
My job at the event was to take care of the entrance stage left and to be there to open the door for Marianne when she arrived. Thus I called myself Marianne�s personal doorman.
While I was standing at my position, I got into a conversation with the audio guy who had been hired for the evening. That turned out to be a meeting full of synchronicity. Matt, the audio guy has his offices in La Fonda Hotel and works with a number of other hotels. I learned some valuable information from him about Santa Fe hotels and possible jobs for Antoinette.
Digressing, that reminds me that Antoinette also experienced some synchronicity last week. A couple staying at the Ritz-Carlton Kapalua Hotel was from Santa Fe. They befriended each other, and it turned out that a relative is retiring from one of the Santa Fe hotels and might be able to get her a job there. There�s a lot more to it, but that�s Antoinette�s story, if she chooses to tell it.
There are many stories I could tell about Antoinette. It�s important for me to remember to tell my own, not hers, even though we are so involved. Our relationship doesn�t mean I have the right to reveal her life in ways that she doesn�t choose. It�s difficult sometimes for me to distinguish what�s mine to tell and what isn�t, though, given how much our lives are intertwined.
Back now to Thursday evening. Apparently Marianne asked for someone to rub her feet during the break between her talk and the question and answer period. Consequently Peg asked Cassandra to do it, and she did. The result of that was that Cassandra encouraged Marianne to plug Marshall Rosenberg�s appearance here since what he teaches is so much in alignment with what Marianne was saying. Marianne was familiar with Marshall and highly respects his work, so she did give a wonderful recommendation for his lecture.
Marianne also gave a great recommendation for Unity Santa Fe, suggesting that everyone go there if they aren�t already. I wonder how many people will attend as a result.
Marianne�s talk and answers to the questions were very inspiring to me (as her messages always are). I know that what she said is true for me � that I need to turn my life over to God and stop trying to do it all myself (though that isn�t really a new insight � just one I'm not paying enough attention to). I want to get a copy of the tape that was made and listen to it again. There was so much of value in what she said, and I didn�t take notes.
Afterwards I met Consuelo�s daughter, her former husband and his new partner, and a long-term friend. It was fun meeting her daughter because I had recently seen her in �Milagro Beanfield Wars.� She played the older daughter of the lead character. She was only 8 then and had just had her 24th birthday on Wednesday.
What else? It looks like the Santa Fe Spiritual Cinema Community may finally take off. Stephen Simon (renowned producer and now director of �Indigo,� which will be released later this year) has agreed to attend our Spiritual Movie Night on 9/27. We�ll be showing his film �What Dreams May Come.�
And the following month we�ll be showing �Milagro Beanfield Wars.� That night one of the actresses, one of the casting directors, and the mother of one of the child actresses will be there. All of them are one person � Consuelo. Maybe her daughter will come, too, and we�ll have 2 of the actresses from the film. Consuelo has offered to give some insights and fun stories about the making of the film. She also said she�d talk about her day in bed with Robert Redford (said with a grin and a twinkle in her eye). I'm guessing he directed her in a scene in which she was in bed, though I'm not sure. There was one such scene in �MBW,� but it got cut down to just a glimpse of her through a crack in the door in John Hurt�s house.
Well, it was a week (plus a day).
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Health and healing revisited
9/1/03
I had to make another trip to the ER yesterday. My prostate is acting up again. I don�t remember if I reported in these messages that a doctor told me a year and a half ago to get a biopsy done and that there�s a good chance I�d need to have surgery done.
There are 2 things that keep me from that: The first is that I'm determined to use my mental, emotional, and spiritual healing practices to take care of it. If other people can do that, so can I. I don�t buy the allopathic perspective on health and healing. Allopathic doctors are good for emergencies (hence, the ER), but not very good at real healing or maintaining health. I prefer the complementary approach. I prefer going to a D.O.M. (Doctor of Oriental Medicine) or a naturopath (N.D.) to see what they suggest.
The second is that I don�t have insurance or the money necessary to do anything. I just keep going to the ER and building up debt. I'm in the process of seeing if a special fund for low-income people will cover much of my debt. We shall see. I'm in that middle place that I make too much money to qualify as indigent, but not enough to be able to afford insurance or medical care. I won�t get started about how I think this country needs universal health care coverage or free health care. I could be one of the poster people who are examples of not being able to pay for health care.
So, if you feel moved to it, I�d appreciate your prayers for my healing and health. I�d also appreciate any other form of healing work you might do.
As I write that I feel like I�ve already used up my right to ask for help a year and a half ago when I was in such a desperate place with my health and finances. Things aren�t so desperate now, but in a lot of ways, I'm still in pretty much the same place � similar prostate problems, similar financial issues, just not as extreme.
On top of that, I�ve been feeling a little depressed. That�s similar, too, but not so extreme as back then, either. I wonder if being depressed contributes to my prostate problems. As I look back, it seems that nearly every time I�ve been feeling at least a bit depressed. Most of the time I�ve been feeling lonely and unloved, too. But not every time. Not the time when Antoinette was here for sure. I know there�s something in my consciousness that�s contributing to it, though.
I�ve looked at Louise Hay�s and Karol Truman�s suggestions about the consciousness that creates prostate problems, and I see those thoughts in me. They pretty much say the same thing. Karol Truman words them as:
1. Ideas are in conflict about sex. [My guidance says this is true, and I'm not entirely clear how yet.]
2. Refusing to let go of the past. [This one resonates as true, and there�s more to explore in it.]
3. Fear of aging. [Yes. I wish it weren�t true, and it is. I still want to be 30.]
4. Feels like throwing in the towel. [That�s the depression one. Feeling like giving up, like life is hopeless and takes too much effort.]
I got some tapes that do EMDR via sound, and I haven�t begun to use them yet. I wonder what my resistance is. I'm also not doing other things I know I need to do � exercise, meditating regularly, my Inner Bonding work, probably more. Am I undermining myself?
Anyway, if you�d like to help with prayers or healing work or any other way, I�d appreciate it.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
http://journals.aol.com/sfmichaeld/ThisIsMyLife
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
I had to make another trip to the ER yesterday. My prostate is acting up again. I don�t remember if I reported in these messages that a doctor told me a year and a half ago to get a biopsy done and that there�s a good chance I�d need to have surgery done.
There are 2 things that keep me from that: The first is that I'm determined to use my mental, emotional, and spiritual healing practices to take care of it. If other people can do that, so can I. I don�t buy the allopathic perspective on health and healing. Allopathic doctors are good for emergencies (hence, the ER), but not very good at real healing or maintaining health. I prefer the complementary approach. I prefer going to a D.O.M. (Doctor of Oriental Medicine) or a naturopath (N.D.) to see what they suggest.
The second is that I don�t have insurance or the money necessary to do anything. I just keep going to the ER and building up debt. I'm in the process of seeing if a special fund for low-income people will cover much of my debt. We shall see. I'm in that middle place that I make too much money to qualify as indigent, but not enough to be able to afford insurance or medical care. I won�t get started about how I think this country needs universal health care coverage or free health care. I could be one of the poster people who are examples of not being able to pay for health care.
So, if you feel moved to it, I�d appreciate your prayers for my healing and health. I�d also appreciate any other form of healing work you might do.
As I write that I feel like I�ve already used up my right to ask for help a year and a half ago when I was in such a desperate place with my health and finances. Things aren�t so desperate now, but in a lot of ways, I'm still in pretty much the same place � similar prostate problems, similar financial issues, just not as extreme.
On top of that, I�ve been feeling a little depressed. That�s similar, too, but not so extreme as back then, either. I wonder if being depressed contributes to my prostate problems. As I look back, it seems that nearly every time I�ve been feeling at least a bit depressed. Most of the time I�ve been feeling lonely and unloved, too. But not every time. Not the time when Antoinette was here for sure. I know there�s something in my consciousness that�s contributing to it, though.
I�ve looked at Louise Hay�s and Karol Truman�s suggestions about the consciousness that creates prostate problems, and I see those thoughts in me. They pretty much say the same thing. Karol Truman words them as:
1. Ideas are in conflict about sex. [My guidance says this is true, and I'm not entirely clear how yet.]
2. Refusing to let go of the past. [This one resonates as true, and there�s more to explore in it.]
3. Fear of aging. [Yes. I wish it weren�t true, and it is. I still want to be 30.]
4. Feels like throwing in the towel. [That�s the depression one. Feeling like giving up, like life is hopeless and takes too much effort.]
I got some tapes that do EMDR via sound, and I haven�t begun to use them yet. I wonder what my resistance is. I'm also not doing other things I know I need to do � exercise, meditating regularly, my Inner Bonding work, probably more. Am I undermining myself?
Anyway, if you�d like to help with prayers or healing work or any other way, I�d appreciate it.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
http://journals.aol.com/sfmichaeld/ThisIsMyLife
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Monday, August 25, 2003
OK, I�ve kept you waiting a very long time for the remainder of the story of my progress along the spiritual path that my relationship with Cassandra put me on. I know you�re probably feeling like a little kid waiting for the rest of the bedtime story. What? You aren�t? Oh. Well, I'll continue anyway.
Reminding you of where I left things: I chose to stay away from Cassandra for the most part between Saturday, 3/22 and Saturday, 4/12. As I stayed away from her, I did inner work to let go, and I began to feel more and more unattached to her as my potential romantic partner, yet no less committed to being her friend.
Then on Thursday, 4/10, I was given a sign that I was really letting go. On that day 2 women walked into work in need of assistance. What caught my attention was that even though both of them were too young for me, I did feel attracted to them in a way I hadn't felt attracted to anyone in a while. That told me that I was beginning to be ready to move on to another relationship. I wasn�t there yet (they were too young for me), but it was a good sign anyway.
From Sunday, 4/13, on I resumed contact with Cassandra, but it was becoming different. I wasn�t feeling much, if any, longing for it to be anything other than what it was � a close friendship. We went back to quite a bit of contact, largely, but not entirely, because we were involved in the same activities. I was enjoying her as a friend and was comfortable seeing her with Dave and hearing her talk about her relationship with him.
A major shift came one day when I realized that there were some things about Cassandra that would make it very difficult for me to be in a romantic relationship with her. I was beginning to lose my desire for a romantic relationship with her.
The final shift came when I met Antoinette and received from her some of what I really want in my primary relationship. I realized that I had totally let go of wanting that with Cassandra.
Since then Cassandra and I have continued to be very close friends. I hope that will always be true. She�s said several times that we�ve been through a lot together in a little over a year and that she appreciates where we�ve gotten to. So do I. I'm unattached enough that I could travel with her, live with her as housemates, or anything else and be perfectly happy being nothing more than her friend. I'm very comfortable supporting her through the end of her relationship with Dave and in her quest for the man who�s right for her.
And some of you thought it would never happen, didn�t you? This isn�t the first time I�ve been madly in love with someone and have let go of that and have remained her friend � sometimes her very close friend � because that was more spiritually right for us. I know from repeated experience that it can be done as long as we maintain our commitment to having the highest possible relationship that works for both of us with someone we love rather than a commitment to what our ego wants at the time. If that�s being friends rather than lovers, that�s a gift, too.
I'm at peace, and I'm happy.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Reminding you of where I left things: I chose to stay away from Cassandra for the most part between Saturday, 3/22 and Saturday, 4/12. As I stayed away from her, I did inner work to let go, and I began to feel more and more unattached to her as my potential romantic partner, yet no less committed to being her friend.
Then on Thursday, 4/10, I was given a sign that I was really letting go. On that day 2 women walked into work in need of assistance. What caught my attention was that even though both of them were too young for me, I did feel attracted to them in a way I hadn't felt attracted to anyone in a while. That told me that I was beginning to be ready to move on to another relationship. I wasn�t there yet (they were too young for me), but it was a good sign anyway.
From Sunday, 4/13, on I resumed contact with Cassandra, but it was becoming different. I wasn�t feeling much, if any, longing for it to be anything other than what it was � a close friendship. We went back to quite a bit of contact, largely, but not entirely, because we were involved in the same activities. I was enjoying her as a friend and was comfortable seeing her with Dave and hearing her talk about her relationship with him.
A major shift came one day when I realized that there were some things about Cassandra that would make it very difficult for me to be in a romantic relationship with her. I was beginning to lose my desire for a romantic relationship with her.
The final shift came when I met Antoinette and received from her some of what I really want in my primary relationship. I realized that I had totally let go of wanting that with Cassandra.
Since then Cassandra and I have continued to be very close friends. I hope that will always be true. She�s said several times that we�ve been through a lot together in a little over a year and that she appreciates where we�ve gotten to. So do I. I'm unattached enough that I could travel with her, live with her as housemates, or anything else and be perfectly happy being nothing more than her friend. I'm very comfortable supporting her through the end of her relationship with Dave and in her quest for the man who�s right for her.
And some of you thought it would never happen, didn�t you? This isn�t the first time I�ve been madly in love with someone and have let go of that and have remained her friend � sometimes her very close friend � because that was more spiritually right for us. I know from repeated experience that it can be done as long as we maintain our commitment to having the highest possible relationship that works for both of us with someone we love rather than a commitment to what our ego wants at the time. If that�s being friends rather than lovers, that�s a gift, too.
I'm at peace, and I'm happy.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
8/25/03
Have you been wondering what happened to me? I�ve been spending most of my available time for writing corresponding with Antoinette. Trying to work out a romantic relationship with her in Maui and me here in Santa Fe has taken lots of time, energy, and effort.
�Antoinette?� you ask. Yes, you�re right. Last time you heard from me a bit over a month ago, she had broken up with me again. Well, we worked it out and got back together. We�ve learned something important. When we�re in conflict, trying to work it out via e-mail just gets us deeper into it. When we talk about it on the phone, though, we tend to get things resolved pretty quickly.
So, the whole summer has been an incredible roller-coaster ride with her from afar. Now we're only a bit over 4 weeks from being together again. September 24 is her projected arrival date in Santa Fe. She leaves Maui September 4 to go to visit her mother in Michigan for a few weeks. The date she�ll actually leave there for Santa Fe depends on when her brother returns from his vacation, and apparently he isn�t much of a planner.
Just over a week ago we finally discovered a source of a lot of conflict. Antoinette and I have been defining commitment differently when we talked about being in a committed relationship. When I use the term, I mean something very similar to being married � commitment to being together and doing all we can to learn, grow, and awaken together and to create magnificence in our relationship, staying together unless something really serious happens or we�ve spent quite a while in counseling trying to work things out. What she meant is that we�re dating exclusively and seeing if we want to be together for the long run. I call that an agreement, not a committed relationship. So, now we understand each other a lot better. She kept saying she was committed, and then she didn�t act consistently with how I defined a committed relationship. So I ended up very confused, and she ended up feeling pressured to do something she didn�t feel ready to do. Now that I understand what she meant, I�ve backed off to match her level of commitment to the relationship. (I believe that the less committed person is always in charge of the intimacy and involvement in a relationship.) She�s still checking me out to see if she wants a long-term relationship. So, that�s where we�re at together. Perhaps we�ll be together in the future, and perhaps we won�t. Maybe she�ll meet someone she wants to be with more than me. We shall see.
And, despite all that, I continue to imagine us being together in the future. My guidance continues to be that she�s the one for me, no matter what. Again, we shall see. So, I guess I'm really feeling more committed than I'm supposed to be. I guess I'm supposed to just be deciding if I want to be with her or not and maybe open to finding someone else I like more, like she is with me.
I wonder how much her definition of commitment contributed to her jealousy about me with other women. If we aren�t committed (as I define it), then I might find someone I want to be with more than Antoinette and decide to get involved with her instead of with Antoinette. Therefore, women I spend time with are a threat to her if she wants me. By my definition of commitment, there is no threat because I'm committed and it�s already decided. Nothing could happen with anyone else that would change that unless I stopped being committed. But if I'm only checking out if I want to be committed to Antoinette, then I might decide I want to be with another woman instead of her. That makes sense to me. I wonder if it will to her.
So, we shall see if Antoinette continues to want me or if she�ll meet someone else she likes more than me. In the meantime, I get to learn to live with uncertainty and insecurity. For now she�s acting like she wants to be with me, and I know that could change at any moment.
Asi es la vida.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Have you been wondering what happened to me? I�ve been spending most of my available time for writing corresponding with Antoinette. Trying to work out a romantic relationship with her in Maui and me here in Santa Fe has taken lots of time, energy, and effort.
�Antoinette?� you ask. Yes, you�re right. Last time you heard from me a bit over a month ago, she had broken up with me again. Well, we worked it out and got back together. We�ve learned something important. When we�re in conflict, trying to work it out via e-mail just gets us deeper into it. When we talk about it on the phone, though, we tend to get things resolved pretty quickly.
So, the whole summer has been an incredible roller-coaster ride with her from afar. Now we're only a bit over 4 weeks from being together again. September 24 is her projected arrival date in Santa Fe. She leaves Maui September 4 to go to visit her mother in Michigan for a few weeks. The date she�ll actually leave there for Santa Fe depends on when her brother returns from his vacation, and apparently he isn�t much of a planner.
Just over a week ago we finally discovered a source of a lot of conflict. Antoinette and I have been defining commitment differently when we talked about being in a committed relationship. When I use the term, I mean something very similar to being married � commitment to being together and doing all we can to learn, grow, and awaken together and to create magnificence in our relationship, staying together unless something really serious happens or we�ve spent quite a while in counseling trying to work things out. What she meant is that we�re dating exclusively and seeing if we want to be together for the long run. I call that an agreement, not a committed relationship. So, now we understand each other a lot better. She kept saying she was committed, and then she didn�t act consistently with how I defined a committed relationship. So I ended up very confused, and she ended up feeling pressured to do something she didn�t feel ready to do. Now that I understand what she meant, I�ve backed off to match her level of commitment to the relationship. (I believe that the less committed person is always in charge of the intimacy and involvement in a relationship.) She�s still checking me out to see if she wants a long-term relationship. So, that�s where we�re at together. Perhaps we�ll be together in the future, and perhaps we won�t. Maybe she�ll meet someone she wants to be with more than me. We shall see.
And, despite all that, I continue to imagine us being together in the future. My guidance continues to be that she�s the one for me, no matter what. Again, we shall see. So, I guess I'm really feeling more committed than I'm supposed to be. I guess I'm supposed to just be deciding if I want to be with her or not and maybe open to finding someone else I like more, like she is with me.
I wonder how much her definition of commitment contributed to her jealousy about me with other women. If we aren�t committed (as I define it), then I might find someone I want to be with more than Antoinette and decide to get involved with her instead of with Antoinette. Therefore, women I spend time with are a threat to her if she wants me. By my definition of commitment, there is no threat because I'm committed and it�s already decided. Nothing could happen with anyone else that would change that unless I stopped being committed. But if I'm only checking out if I want to be committed to Antoinette, then I might decide I want to be with another woman instead of her. That makes sense to me. I wonder if it will to her.
So, we shall see if Antoinette continues to want me or if she�ll meet someone else she likes more than me. In the meantime, I get to learn to live with uncertainty and insecurity. For now she�s acting like she wants to be with me, and I know that could change at any moment.
Asi es la vida.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Monday, July 21, 2003
This Is My Life 7/21/03
Some of you know by now to keep my telephone number in your book in pencil because it�s likely to change soon. Well, it�s just about the same with this relationship.
I wrote yesterday and said we were committed to making it work. Maybe I shouldn�t say anything like that again. Yesterday evening Antoinette broke up with me again.
Why, you ask? Because a woman friend took me out to lunch for my birthday. Antoinette felt jealous and so broke up with me. I'm not going to tell the whole story because I don�t want to get into right/wrong about it. Suffice it to say that we perceived what happened very differently. It�s clear that she doesn�t trust me, no matter how honest and open I�ve been with her and despite my agreement with her to not get romantically or sexually involved with anyone else. Without trust we have no real relationship and no real love. And having to give up my friends is too high a price to pay for me to be in any romantic relationship.
So, I guess I'm available again. I'm very sad and disappointed. I wanted this to be the one that would last forever and be my last romantic relationship.
As the Rolling Stones sang, �You can�t always get what you want, but, if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need.� I guess losing Antoinette is what I need; it certainly wasn�t what I wanted.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Some of you know by now to keep my telephone number in your book in pencil because it�s likely to change soon. Well, it�s just about the same with this relationship.
I wrote yesterday and said we were committed to making it work. Maybe I shouldn�t say anything like that again. Yesterday evening Antoinette broke up with me again.
Why, you ask? Because a woman friend took me out to lunch for my birthday. Antoinette felt jealous and so broke up with me. I'm not going to tell the whole story because I don�t want to get into right/wrong about it. Suffice it to say that we perceived what happened very differently. It�s clear that she doesn�t trust me, no matter how honest and open I�ve been with her and despite my agreement with her to not get romantically or sexually involved with anyone else. Without trust we have no real relationship and no real love. And having to give up my friends is too high a price to pay for me to be in any romantic relationship.
So, I guess I'm available again. I'm very sad and disappointed. I wanted this to be the one that would last forever and be my last romantic relationship.
As the Rolling Stones sang, �You can�t always get what you want, but, if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need.� I guess losing Antoinette is what I need; it certainly wasn�t what I wanted.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Sunday, July 20, 2003
This Is My Life 7/20/03
I�ve been really busy developing my relationship with Antoinette, so I haven�t had much time for writing (except to her).
Very briefly, we�re together (in spirit, anyway), and we�re developing a committed relationship. She�ll be moving here from Maui (by way of a visit to her mother in Michigan) in late September. It�s a challenge to be separated, and we both have relationship issues to work out, but we�re both determined to make this work.
Stay tuned.
Today is my birthday. If you remembered and I heard from you, thank you. I was surprised about some of the people who did remember.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
I�ve been really busy developing my relationship with Antoinette, so I haven�t had much time for writing (except to her).
Very briefly, we�re together (in spirit, anyway), and we�re developing a committed relationship. She�ll be moving here from Maui (by way of a visit to her mother in Michigan) in late September. It�s a challenge to be separated, and we both have relationship issues to work out, but we�re both determined to make this work.
Stay tuned.
Today is my birthday. If you remembered and I heard from you, thank you. I was surprised about some of the people who did remember.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
This Is My Life 6/26/03
I can�t think of anything much more painful to me than to be in conflict with someone I love � except to be in on-going conflict. It takes a toll on me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I lose large amounts of sleep. I feel as if I'm in a constant state of alarm (which is one definition of stress).
I told you that Antoinette broke up with me on June 6 (correction from my previously saying June 7). We stayed in communication, though, and got back together last Monday, June 23. We were both happy.
But the conflict has continued unabated. I'm putting huge amounts of time, energy, and attention into dealing with it. Most of my vacation time has been about addressing the conflict with Antoinette and doing whatever I can so that she�ll feel loved, desired, and secure.
Now we seem to have hit a wall. We�ve gotten to an issue on which I won�t budge. It appears to me that she wants me to give up my friends, or at least some of them. I hope I'm misperceiving.
I'm feeling in such distress that I know this must be dredging up something crucial for me to look at in my deep consciousness. Michael Ryce said Tuesday evening to remember that we never really see our partner. We only see our image of them that is largely a projection of our own consciousness. Thus, if something needs to be healed, it�s our consciousness about them and about relationships. A good relationship, then, is one in which the people recognize that and support each other in healing their own consciousnesses. Looking outside ourselves to try to solve the problems is looking in the wrong place and will only insure that they continue. He compared that to a �geographical cure� in which we go somewhere new to try to solve our problems and discover that since we�ve brought ourselves with us, the same problems continue. That wasn�t new for me, and it�s important for me to be reminded regularly. And so I look within. Antoinette isn�t the source of the conflict; my consciousness is.
I�d appreciate any prayers for her, for me, for healing in our relationship, and for Divine right outcomes. Thanks.
Sadly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
I can�t think of anything much more painful to me than to be in conflict with someone I love � except to be in on-going conflict. It takes a toll on me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I lose large amounts of sleep. I feel as if I'm in a constant state of alarm (which is one definition of stress).
I told you that Antoinette broke up with me on June 6 (correction from my previously saying June 7). We stayed in communication, though, and got back together last Monday, June 23. We were both happy.
But the conflict has continued unabated. I'm putting huge amounts of time, energy, and attention into dealing with it. Most of my vacation time has been about addressing the conflict with Antoinette and doing whatever I can so that she�ll feel loved, desired, and secure.
Now we seem to have hit a wall. We�ve gotten to an issue on which I won�t budge. It appears to me that she wants me to give up my friends, or at least some of them. I hope I'm misperceiving.
I'm feeling in such distress that I know this must be dredging up something crucial for me to look at in my deep consciousness. Michael Ryce said Tuesday evening to remember that we never really see our partner. We only see our image of them that is largely a projection of our own consciousness. Thus, if something needs to be healed, it�s our consciousness about them and about relationships. A good relationship, then, is one in which the people recognize that and support each other in healing their own consciousnesses. Looking outside ourselves to try to solve the problems is looking in the wrong place and will only insure that they continue. He compared that to a �geographical cure� in which we go somewhere new to try to solve our problems and discover that since we�ve brought ourselves with us, the same problems continue. That wasn�t new for me, and it�s important for me to be reminded regularly. And so I look within. Antoinette isn�t the source of the conflict; my consciousness is.
I�d appreciate any prayers for her, for me, for healing in our relationship, and for Divine right outcomes. Thanks.
Sadly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
This Is My Life 6/15/03
My relationship with Antoinette has come to an end. I'm not going to tell the details of why that is. Suffice it to say that we communicated horribly via e-mail and that she and I discovered some very different values about some things that are crucial to me in a romantic relationship. Anyway, she broke up with me on Friday, June 7 (the same day that I found out about Susan Jayne Weiss� apparent suicide, of all fabulous days for it), and things have progressively gotten worse in our communication since then.
I'm deeply in grief. I wish very much that things had turned out differently between us. I guess it just wasn�t to be. Nevertheless, I'll always love her and hope that we can find a way to remain friends.
She�s a wonderful woman, and I appreciate so much about her and about the time we had together. Our 11 days together were among the highlights of my life. As part of my completion process with her, I wrote a list of things I appreciate about her and got to 50 without even trying. I wish her only happiness and pray that she finds the man who�s right for her.
I�d appreciate it if you�d hold both her and me in prayer. I suspect she�s hurting about the end of our relationship, too (and that brings tears to my eyes to imagine). I�ve been in some really desperately painful places in the past 9 days. May God�s healing love surround and fill us both.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
My relationship with Antoinette has come to an end. I'm not going to tell the details of why that is. Suffice it to say that we communicated horribly via e-mail and that she and I discovered some very different values about some things that are crucial to me in a romantic relationship. Anyway, she broke up with me on Friday, June 7 (the same day that I found out about Susan Jayne Weiss� apparent suicide, of all fabulous days for it), and things have progressively gotten worse in our communication since then.
I'm deeply in grief. I wish very much that things had turned out differently between us. I guess it just wasn�t to be. Nevertheless, I'll always love her and hope that we can find a way to remain friends.
She�s a wonderful woman, and I appreciate so much about her and about the time we had together. Our 11 days together were among the highlights of my life. As part of my completion process with her, I wrote a list of things I appreciate about her and got to 50 without even trying. I wish her only happiness and pray that she finds the man who�s right for her.
I�d appreciate it if you�d hold both her and me in prayer. I suspect she�s hurting about the end of our relationship, too (and that brings tears to my eyes to imagine). I�ve been in some really desperately painful places in the past 9 days. May God�s healing love surround and fill us both.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Saturday, June 07, 2003
This Is My Life 6/7/03
I finally have some time to organize and report back the multitude of replies I received on the topic of understanding women�s non-verbal communication. I sent this same message to quite a few people I know as well as to a variety of online groups that are about relationships and singles issues. I think I received replies from every group as well as from quite a few friends. I even talked with some of you in person about it � including Cassandra, the woman I misinterpreted so much a year ago, and Antoinette, the woman I�ve most recently dated.
There�s so much to report that I'll divide it up into at least 2 (and maybe more) messages.
Reminding you of the behaviors I was asking about, they were:
1. She stands exceptionally close to me, closer than �normal,� and looks into my eyes while talking with me.
2. She touches me a lot while she's talking with me.
3. She hugs me closely (no "A-frame" hug), warmly, with no tension in her body for a VERY long time (I'm talking minutes).
4. She shows me parts of her body that are the "sexually-provocative" parts - for example, she repeatedly bends over, wearing something low-cut and no bra so that I can see her breasts.
5. She stands talking with me with one of her breasts pressed into my upper arm/shoulder.
6. She stands next to me with her hand on my butt.
The first thing I noted was that quite a few people didn�t reply to what I asked. Here are a couple of paragraphs from my first message:
*There are about half a dozen behaviors that I'd like feedback about - especially from women. What would this behavior mean if you did it with a man? What would this behavior mean to you if you saw another woman do it with a man? Actually, come to think of it, feedback from other men would be helpful, too. How would you interpret these behaviors if a woman did them with you?�
�Am I totally off the wall reading romantic and/or sexual interest into those behaviors? They're all ones that I've misinterpreted as interest from someone. What do you think?�
In other words, I wanted feedback about how you�d interpret these actions. In the second paragraph I�ve quoted, I made it clear that I already know whether these women are interested in me romantically and/or sexually or not � and that none of them is. I was hoping to find out if I'm the only one who would feel confused by the behaviors in question. I learned that I'm not.
Some of you took my message as asking for advice. I wasn�t. I was doing research about how behaviors are interpreted and about what they mean to the women who do them. Yes, it has personal meaning to me. It�s also relevant to a chapter I'm writing in a book about meeting people.
Nevertheless, I did receive some interesting and/or useful opinions from the replies beyond what I originally asked.
Several things people said were mysterious to me. One person said he or she perceived me to be the typical man just looking for sex. I'm not clear how I may have communicated that, given that it�s about as far from the truth as possible. I'm open to hearing what I might have said that suggests that, though, since I don�t want to miscommunicate.
Some replies suggested that the writers think I overanalyze body language and that I should just ask instead of trying to interpret it. Another reply said that she appreciated that I'm not just another insensitive clod [I cleaned up the language a bit] who asks women for dates who haven�t shown any interest. So, I want to make a few comments about reading body language.
There�s an old piece of research that tells us that an average of 55% of communication is non-verbal. Another 38% is verbal, but not words (tone of voice, inflections, loudness, etc.). That means that only 7% is actually the words people say. Thus, it makes sense to me that learning to understand non-verbal communication is a useful thing to do.
There�s also research that shows us that people read and respond to non-verbal communication even when they aren�t aware that they�re doing it. Thus, the choice isn�t between reading non-verbal communication and not reading it. The choice is between doing it consciously and doing it unconsciously. I prefer to live consciously.
I think there�s also a difference here between people that isn�t a matter of right and wrong. Some people ask for dates whether they have any idea if the other person is interested or not. Others look for signs of interest first. Both approaches have advantages and disadvantages. The difference may be related to shyness; it may be related to introversion and extraversion. Whatever it�s related to, I'm one of those who has looked for interest before I�ve asked. I'm willing to ask with a little less information in the future (as I indicated in the original message). I'm not willing to give up on learning how to recognize interest � or on teaching other people how to do so.
Some people suggested, and I agree (that was the main point of the original message), that non-verbal communication isn�t necessarily real clear. One man suggested that I give up on trying to understand because it�s difficult or maybe impossible. That�s why I'm interested. I want to learn how to more easily interpret something that hasn�t been very clear.
One woman gave me an example of why that�s important. She said that she�s known a man for many years who keeps misperceiving her behavior as romantic/sexual interest. I think it would be a huge contribution if I could teach people how to more successfully deal with this kind of situation. Part of that, of course, is about asking for clarification. Another part, though, is about both people learning how specific actions may be interpreted. Of course, I need to more clearly learn that first.
Some replies said basically that each woman is different in what their non-verbal communication means. Research also shows that this is a misperception. There isn�t perfect clarity, but non-verbal behavior is fairly consistently used by people within the same culture and is also fairly consistently interpreted by people within the same culture. That�s why some behaviors (like some of them I mentioned) tend to be confusing to a lot of people when they don�t mean what people expect them to mean.
Some of you asked me some questions. I'm not clear how my answers are relevant to how you perceive the behaviors in question, but here they are anyway:
Q: How many of these women are or were students or subordinate workers of yours?
A: None of them.
Q: Are they coworkers?
A: One of them. I won�t be specific when, where, or which behavior, though, because I'm not willing to identify her.
Q: Were these women sober?
A: Yes, in every case.
Q: How did you feel in those situations?
A: In every case I liked what was happening. In some I felt some excitement. In a few I felt some hope for a relationship (because I didn�t know yet that she wasn�t interested).
Q: How did you respond in those situations?
A: In most cases I didn�t do anything but enjoy it. In a few I talked with the woman about what was happening and what it meant to both of us. For the sake of clarification, the only problem I experienced with any of the behaviors was that I misunderstood what they meant or was confused about what they meant. It was perfectly OK with me that the women did what they did. Once I understood, I just interpreted the actions differently.
Q: Do you instantly think �SEX� every time you interact with a female?
A: If I'm attracted to her, I instantly think of the possibilities of a long-term romantic relationship. Because sex is part of that, I guess you could say I think of sex. But, if you�re asking if I want to get her into bed right away or if all I think of is sex, no.
Q: Could it be that you're coming on too strong too quickly and the women are suddenly backing off and you don't understand why?
A: That happened in one case, though I was hoping for a romantic relationship and not just for sex.
Q: Where are you are in your relationship cycle: making friends, looking to get laid, looking for that special someone, looking to get married, or married but looking for excitement abroad.
A: Making friends, dating, and looking for my right spiritual life partner (soulmate).
Here are some general opinions about the behaviors I asked about [please note that I don�t agree with many of them; I'm mentioning them to give an idea of the range of opinions and how differently behavior may be perceived and interpreted; my comments about your comments are in brackets]:
� They might like drama.
� They might like a lot of attention.
� They might flirt a lot.
� They might like to tease men.
� They might be playing games.
� They might see it as a challenge.
� It�s devious behavior.
� Maybe they�re just not aware of what they�re doing and what effect it may have on other people.
� They might need to prove to themselves (and maybe others) that they�re attractive.
� Maybe they got a bit of a thrill from finding out that they had an effect on me.
� The behavior could be related to their cycle of the month.
� They might just mean friendliness and warmth.
� Maybe some of the behaviors are part of their family or ethnic culture.
� Because we live in such a complex multicultural society, we no longer have clear non-verbal communications.
� I'm pretty dense and am making it way too complicated. [Not sure what I'm dense about.]
� All the signals are clear.
� �You are not off the wall; just lucky.�
� It looks as if the signals are clear, so maybe the problem is that my response is a bit off. [Not clear what response this person perceived to be off. As I said in both the original message and earlier in this one, all of the behaviors I mentioned were done by women who weren�t interested in me romantically or sexually � at least in acting on that interest.]
� All these seemed that the women were coming on to me sexually.
� If the woman told me she wasn't interested in any romantic way with me, it would be very deceptive/confusing.
� If someone invades my body space, perhaps they missed some basic socialization skills along the way. [It seems to me that �invades� implies I didn�t like it, which wasn�t true. I�d have been happy for them to do a lot more of it. The ONLY problem was in interpreting what the behavior meant.]
� Maybe the way I perceived it was wish fulfillment. [That was clearly true in at least some of the cases � not that I misperceived the facts; only that I misperceived the meaning.]
� Congratulations for the acknowledgement that any misunderstandings may be on my part and that maybe it's not just us women being fickle. [It never crossed my mind that they might have been fickle.]
And now for the most valuable and thought-provoking reply I received:
� Some of this behavior may be exhibited by incest survivors; some are unaware that they�re sending sexual messages or even that they�re doing what they�re doing. Survivors tend to sexualize almost everything with a man, even when they aren't interested. [This comment came from a friend who I know to be a sexual abuse survivor who�s been in recovery for quite some time.]
A friend with whom I�ve spent many satisfying hours analyzing things suggested that some people act like they find other people attractive because:
� it is a habit.
� it is unconscious.
� it is conscious.
� it is both.
� it is their way of getting other people to like them.
� it works better than revealing their real feelings.
� it gives them more control over the relationship.
� they find another person attractive.
� they find lots of people attractive.
In my next message I'll tell you about specific comments I received about specific behaviors and possibly some other things.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
I finally have some time to organize and report back the multitude of replies I received on the topic of understanding women�s non-verbal communication. I sent this same message to quite a few people I know as well as to a variety of online groups that are about relationships and singles issues. I think I received replies from every group as well as from quite a few friends. I even talked with some of you in person about it � including Cassandra, the woman I misinterpreted so much a year ago, and Antoinette, the woman I�ve most recently dated.
There�s so much to report that I'll divide it up into at least 2 (and maybe more) messages.
Reminding you of the behaviors I was asking about, they were:
1. She stands exceptionally close to me, closer than �normal,� and looks into my eyes while talking with me.
2. She touches me a lot while she's talking with me.
3. She hugs me closely (no "A-frame" hug), warmly, with no tension in her body for a VERY long time (I'm talking minutes).
4. She shows me parts of her body that are the "sexually-provocative" parts - for example, she repeatedly bends over, wearing something low-cut and no bra so that I can see her breasts.
5. She stands talking with me with one of her breasts pressed into my upper arm/shoulder.
6. She stands next to me with her hand on my butt.
The first thing I noted was that quite a few people didn�t reply to what I asked. Here are a couple of paragraphs from my first message:
*There are about half a dozen behaviors that I'd like feedback about - especially from women. What would this behavior mean if you did it with a man? What would this behavior mean to you if you saw another woman do it with a man? Actually, come to think of it, feedback from other men would be helpful, too. How would you interpret these behaviors if a woman did them with you?�
�Am I totally off the wall reading romantic and/or sexual interest into those behaviors? They're all ones that I've misinterpreted as interest from someone. What do you think?�
In other words, I wanted feedback about how you�d interpret these actions. In the second paragraph I�ve quoted, I made it clear that I already know whether these women are interested in me romantically and/or sexually or not � and that none of them is. I was hoping to find out if I'm the only one who would feel confused by the behaviors in question. I learned that I'm not.
Some of you took my message as asking for advice. I wasn�t. I was doing research about how behaviors are interpreted and about what they mean to the women who do them. Yes, it has personal meaning to me. It�s also relevant to a chapter I'm writing in a book about meeting people.
Nevertheless, I did receive some interesting and/or useful opinions from the replies beyond what I originally asked.
Several things people said were mysterious to me. One person said he or she perceived me to be the typical man just looking for sex. I'm not clear how I may have communicated that, given that it�s about as far from the truth as possible. I'm open to hearing what I might have said that suggests that, though, since I don�t want to miscommunicate.
Some replies suggested that the writers think I overanalyze body language and that I should just ask instead of trying to interpret it. Another reply said that she appreciated that I'm not just another insensitive clod [I cleaned up the language a bit] who asks women for dates who haven�t shown any interest. So, I want to make a few comments about reading body language.
There�s an old piece of research that tells us that an average of 55% of communication is non-verbal. Another 38% is verbal, but not words (tone of voice, inflections, loudness, etc.). That means that only 7% is actually the words people say. Thus, it makes sense to me that learning to understand non-verbal communication is a useful thing to do.
There�s also research that shows us that people read and respond to non-verbal communication even when they aren�t aware that they�re doing it. Thus, the choice isn�t between reading non-verbal communication and not reading it. The choice is between doing it consciously and doing it unconsciously. I prefer to live consciously.
I think there�s also a difference here between people that isn�t a matter of right and wrong. Some people ask for dates whether they have any idea if the other person is interested or not. Others look for signs of interest first. Both approaches have advantages and disadvantages. The difference may be related to shyness; it may be related to introversion and extraversion. Whatever it�s related to, I'm one of those who has looked for interest before I�ve asked. I'm willing to ask with a little less information in the future (as I indicated in the original message). I'm not willing to give up on learning how to recognize interest � or on teaching other people how to do so.
Some people suggested, and I agree (that was the main point of the original message), that non-verbal communication isn�t necessarily real clear. One man suggested that I give up on trying to understand because it�s difficult or maybe impossible. That�s why I'm interested. I want to learn how to more easily interpret something that hasn�t been very clear.
One woman gave me an example of why that�s important. She said that she�s known a man for many years who keeps misperceiving her behavior as romantic/sexual interest. I think it would be a huge contribution if I could teach people how to more successfully deal with this kind of situation. Part of that, of course, is about asking for clarification. Another part, though, is about both people learning how specific actions may be interpreted. Of course, I need to more clearly learn that first.
Some replies said basically that each woman is different in what their non-verbal communication means. Research also shows that this is a misperception. There isn�t perfect clarity, but non-verbal behavior is fairly consistently used by people within the same culture and is also fairly consistently interpreted by people within the same culture. That�s why some behaviors (like some of them I mentioned) tend to be confusing to a lot of people when they don�t mean what people expect them to mean.
Some of you asked me some questions. I'm not clear how my answers are relevant to how you perceive the behaviors in question, but here they are anyway:
Q: How many of these women are or were students or subordinate workers of yours?
A: None of them.
Q: Are they coworkers?
A: One of them. I won�t be specific when, where, or which behavior, though, because I'm not willing to identify her.
Q: Were these women sober?
A: Yes, in every case.
Q: How did you feel in those situations?
A: In every case I liked what was happening. In some I felt some excitement. In a few I felt some hope for a relationship (because I didn�t know yet that she wasn�t interested).
Q: How did you respond in those situations?
A: In most cases I didn�t do anything but enjoy it. In a few I talked with the woman about what was happening and what it meant to both of us. For the sake of clarification, the only problem I experienced with any of the behaviors was that I misunderstood what they meant or was confused about what they meant. It was perfectly OK with me that the women did what they did. Once I understood, I just interpreted the actions differently.
Q: Do you instantly think �SEX� every time you interact with a female?
A: If I'm attracted to her, I instantly think of the possibilities of a long-term romantic relationship. Because sex is part of that, I guess you could say I think of sex. But, if you�re asking if I want to get her into bed right away or if all I think of is sex, no.
Q: Could it be that you're coming on too strong too quickly and the women are suddenly backing off and you don't understand why?
A: That happened in one case, though I was hoping for a romantic relationship and not just for sex.
Q: Where are you are in your relationship cycle: making friends, looking to get laid, looking for that special someone, looking to get married, or married but looking for excitement abroad.
A: Making friends, dating, and looking for my right spiritual life partner (soulmate).
Here are some general opinions about the behaviors I asked about [please note that I don�t agree with many of them; I'm mentioning them to give an idea of the range of opinions and how differently behavior may be perceived and interpreted; my comments about your comments are in brackets]:
� They might like drama.
� They might like a lot of attention.
� They might flirt a lot.
� They might like to tease men.
� They might be playing games.
� They might see it as a challenge.
� It�s devious behavior.
� Maybe they�re just not aware of what they�re doing and what effect it may have on other people.
� They might need to prove to themselves (and maybe others) that they�re attractive.
� Maybe they got a bit of a thrill from finding out that they had an effect on me.
� The behavior could be related to their cycle of the month.
� They might just mean friendliness and warmth.
� Maybe some of the behaviors are part of their family or ethnic culture.
� Because we live in such a complex multicultural society, we no longer have clear non-verbal communications.
� I'm pretty dense and am making it way too complicated. [Not sure what I'm dense about.]
� All the signals are clear.
� �You are not off the wall; just lucky.�
� It looks as if the signals are clear, so maybe the problem is that my response is a bit off. [Not clear what response this person perceived to be off. As I said in both the original message and earlier in this one, all of the behaviors I mentioned were done by women who weren�t interested in me romantically or sexually � at least in acting on that interest.]
� All these seemed that the women were coming on to me sexually.
� If the woman told me she wasn't interested in any romantic way with me, it would be very deceptive/confusing.
� If someone invades my body space, perhaps they missed some basic socialization skills along the way. [It seems to me that �invades� implies I didn�t like it, which wasn�t true. I�d have been happy for them to do a lot more of it. The ONLY problem was in interpreting what the behavior meant.]
� Maybe the way I perceived it was wish fulfillment. [That was clearly true in at least some of the cases � not that I misperceived the facts; only that I misperceived the meaning.]
� Congratulations for the acknowledgement that any misunderstandings may be on my part and that maybe it's not just us women being fickle. [It never crossed my mind that they might have been fickle.]
And now for the most valuable and thought-provoking reply I received:
� Some of this behavior may be exhibited by incest survivors; some are unaware that they�re sending sexual messages or even that they�re doing what they�re doing. Survivors tend to sexualize almost everything with a man, even when they aren't interested. [This comment came from a friend who I know to be a sexual abuse survivor who�s been in recovery for quite some time.]
A friend with whom I�ve spent many satisfying hours analyzing things suggested that some people act like they find other people attractive because:
� it is a habit.
� it is unconscious.
� it is conscious.
� it is both.
� it is their way of getting other people to like them.
� it works better than revealing their real feelings.
� it gives them more control over the relationship.
� they find another person attractive.
� they find lots of people attractive.
In my next message I'll tell you about specific comments I received about specific behaviors and possibly some other things.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
Friday, June 06, 2003
This Is My Life 6/6/03
I learned this morning that a friend (not close, but a friend nevertheless) probably jumped off the Taos Gorge Bridge on Wednesday. She left a suicide note, her car and belongings were found by the bridge, and someone saw her climbing onto the railing. Her body hasn't been found, and the signs suggest that she jumped. I knew, but I guess a lot of people didn't, that she was manic-depressive (bi-polar).
Susan was a wonderful comedian and a great improvisational actor. Her one-woman shows here in Santa Fe drew large crowds. She also attended the Church of Religious Science here. I had taken a workshop in improvisation with Susan and was very impressed with it. A few months ago I offered to see if I could get her gigs in Seattle since I know people there. I'm going back to Seattle again in a little over a week and was about to call her about that.
There's been some interesting synchronicity. Shortly after I learned about this, a friend called me about something else. It turned out that he was in a romantic relationship with Susan awhile back for over a year. I hadn�t even known that he knew her.
Then a coworker and friend called me, also about something else. She had just dreamed about Susan last night (dreamed that Susan was preparing a new show, which is pretty eerily meaningful).
And I was up at the Taos Gorge Bridge just a couple of weeks ago with Antoinette for the first time since I've moved here.
Does anyone have any spiritual perspective on this that might be useful to me? Right now I'm just pretty much in shock.
And I'd also like anyone who's willing to pray for Susan Jayne Weiss, her family and friends, and anyone else who's affected by this situation.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
I learned this morning that a friend (not close, but a friend nevertheless) probably jumped off the Taos Gorge Bridge on Wednesday. She left a suicide note, her car and belongings were found by the bridge, and someone saw her climbing onto the railing. Her body hasn't been found, and the signs suggest that she jumped. I knew, but I guess a lot of people didn't, that she was manic-depressive (bi-polar).
Susan was a wonderful comedian and a great improvisational actor. Her one-woman shows here in Santa Fe drew large crowds. She also attended the Church of Religious Science here. I had taken a workshop in improvisation with Susan and was very impressed with it. A few months ago I offered to see if I could get her gigs in Seattle since I know people there. I'm going back to Seattle again in a little over a week and was about to call her about that.
There's been some interesting synchronicity. Shortly after I learned about this, a friend called me about something else. It turned out that he was in a romantic relationship with Susan awhile back for over a year. I hadn�t even known that he knew her.
Then a coworker and friend called me, also about something else. She had just dreamed about Susan last night (dreamed that Susan was preparing a new show, which is pretty eerily meaningful).
And I was up at the Taos Gorge Bridge just a couple of weeks ago with Antoinette for the first time since I've moved here.
Does anyone have any spiritual perspective on this that might be useful to me? Right now I'm just pretty much in shock.
And I'd also like anyone who's willing to pray for Susan Jayne Weiss, her family and friends, and anyone else who's affected by this situation.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Monday, June 02, 2003
This Is My Life 6/1/03
Here�s more about Antoinette and our story.
She originally wrote to me in reply to an ad I had placed on Yahoo! Personals. That was last September. She was feeling spiritually called to Santa Fe and really wanted a friend here more than anything else. Nevertheless, we did write a bit about what we wanted in a romantic relationship. Besides, we both acknowledged that until we met in person, we�d have no idea if there was romantic/sexual potential between us or not.
We wrote back and forth a few times, but not often. I admit that I was the one who put the spaces in the conversation. Looking back on it, I know that was spiritually perfect (for some reason), and I don�t see why I didn�t follow through more consistently. She�s pretty (and I knew that), we have significant things in common (spirituality being one that distinguishes her from most of the women I�ve met in online dating/matching sites; she�s been involved in Religious Science for years), and she was coming to Santa Fe to visit and maybe to move here. That sounds like the kind of woman I�d want to stay in touch with.
Anyway, when she was ready to come here (literally the day before), she e-mailed me to ask if I might like to get together sometime while she was here. I immediately e-mailed back, saying I would. However, whether I would get that opportunity was uncertain because she was going to spend a lot of time with another man she�d met over the internet who had put more time into getting to know her in advance than I had. If I could meet her, it would pretty much be squeezed in between her times with him. So, I basically put it in the back of my mind. If she called me, I�d be glad to meet her, and I didn�t know if she actually would or not.
On Sunday (5/18) I got a message from her that was cut off so that I didn�t get her telephone number. �Oh, well,� I thought, �if we�re supposed to meet, she�ll call again.� The next day, I received another message � this time with a phone number. I called back and said I was going out to dinner and wondered if she�d like to go with me. She did.
I was just a bit nervous when I arrived where she was staying. I thought that the romantic possibilities were fairly small, and I was primarily going to meet a new friend. Yet, there was the chance�. My first thought when she opened the door was, �OMG, she�s really pretty.�
We had a good time together. One of the things I learned is that she had read ALL of my journal-letters that are online and knew my history almost better than I do. (One day when I couldn�t remember the day I arrived in Santa Fe, she knew.) She hadn�t felt any chemistry with the other guy, so she was free to spend time with me. I asked if she wanted to go to the Margaret Paul Inner Bonding workshop with me the next evening (partly a test to see if we really do have in common some of what�s most important to me). She did.
So, we went to Unity Tuesday evening to experience the workshop. There she met a lot of my friends, including all 3 of the women I�ve been most attracted to at Unity (2 of whom I�ve mentioned in other messages). Cassandra sat right behind her. We both laughed about that later. She had felt nervous about meeting Cassandra because of all I�d written about her. Then she came in and sat right behind Antoinette. What she doesn�t know yet and will learn from this is that another of the women I'm very attracted to was also right behind her � Cassandra slightly to her left and the other woman (who I�ve referred to as L in past messages) slightly to her right. It turned out that C volunteered to do a demonstration with Margie, so Antoinette got to know her even better than I imagined she would. To my relief, she liked Cassandra and said she understood why I�d love her (which will be new information for C when she reads this).
That evening after I took her home, we talked more. I flirted with her a bit (actually this may even have been the evening before; looking back, I wonder if she knew I was flirting) and talked about touching and my reservations about touching her (because I was attracted to her, though I didn�t tell her that explicitly at the time, though I did make references to sitting there with her with a bed a few feet away). By the end of the evening, I knew I wanted to spend as much time with her while she was in Santa Fe as I could. But, still, she was only there for about a week and a half more, and I didn�t know if she was attracted to me or not.
Wednesday evening I went to Cassandra�s Manifesting with Heart and Soul class and talked about Antoinette showing up as a step in my manifesting the relationship I�d been talking about. Cassandra made the comment, �And she�s cute, too.� At that time I referred to seeing her as �practice dating� for several reasons: 1. she was only there temporarily, 2. I didn�t know if she was really interested, and 3. it took the pressure off me.
I wanted to stop by and see Antoinette briefly (and hug her) after my class, but I had the wrong number for her because she had moved from one place to another (long, unimportant story). When I got home, there was a message with her new number, so I called. The truth was, if I had gotten the least encouragement, I would have gotten back in my car and gone over to get (and give) the hug. But, as it turned out, that was the only day I didn�t see her again until she flew back home.
Thursday evening I went on my practice date with her. I went over to where she was staying, and we ordered food in and watched a video. Now, some people might say that that sounds pretty intimate, but I was still thinking practice date and wasn�t certain she was interested in me beyond friendship. That all changed during the video. It fairly quickly became a real date. That became clear when I put my arm around her to watch the video, and she cuddled up to me. It progressed from there. For the record, yes, we did watch the video all the way to the end and didn�t even kiss until it was over.
During the following week, we had a magnificent time together and began falling in love with each other. It wasn�t so much what we did together as that we just enjoyed being together doing whatever we did. One day we drove up to Taos via Chimay� (and El Santaurio). Another day we were going to go to Roswell to visit the UFO Museum, but life intervened. Otherwise, it wasn�t all that big. We watched 4 or 5 videos. We ate together. We went to church. We had lunch one day with Peg (my coworker). We visited a bunch of hotels. (She works as a concierge at the Ritz-Carlton in Maui and was scouting out places she might want to work.) We talked. We laughed. We cuddled and touched a lot. She did a lot of things like museums alone while I was at work. We basically just experienced life together.
We also faced some stressful situations together. These feel to me like some of the most bonding things that happened. On the way home from Taos, my car broke down. We handled it together beautifully, and miracles occurred. Other people might have gotten angry or really upset. We stayed centered in spiritual principle, supportive and loving with each other, and open to whatever life brought us. I'll write a whole message about this amazing, miraculous experience later.
On Monday, when we were scheduled to go to Roswell, I had another prostate episode and got to visit the ER. Most of all, I was distressed that I was disappointing her (about going to Roswell). Most of all, she was concerned about my health. (I'm tearing up as I write that.) I don�t know if I�ve ever experienced more loving care from anyone about anything before in my life.
I�ve debated with myself about whether I was going to say this, and I have to if I want to give a complete picture of how we connected. Starting with that Thursday evening, with a couple of days out for prostate recovery, we made love like bunnies (as she termed it). Not only do we have tremendous sexual chemistry, but we also did it very consciously aware of the energetic bonds we were creating with each other. And we laughed. Some of the things we laughed hardest about were related to sex. It was among the most amazing series of sexual experiences I�ve ever had.
Antoinette isn�t perfect in terms of matching my �list.� But I'm not certain that any real live human being could ever be perfect in terms of matching my list. None of the women I�ve loved most in my life have matched it perfectly. But she does meet all my essentials and the majority of the things I listed as important to me. That seems to me like a great match. We�re compatible spiritually, sexually, physically, in terms of touch, in terms of humor. We like the same books, movies, music, food, and experiences. We kiss alike (which might not sound like any big deal to anyone who doesn�t really like to kiss or who hasn�t kissed someone who�s a kissing mismatch, but which is a big deal to us). We talked about things I�ve rarely talked about with other women. We both love Santa Fe. She likes Unity Santa Fe and Brendalyn. She likes my friends. And we handle stress together wonderfully. I feel stronger when she�s beside me. Borrowing that line from �As Good as It Gets,� she makes me want to be a better man.
Yes, that�s after only 11 days, and we don�t know each other very well yet. Yes, NRE (new relationship energy) is operating. Yes, it will be a challenge to pick up again in 6 months after a long separation. Yes, either of us could meet someone else in the meantime. Yes, it could be that the only reason we met was to catalyze some inner healing work. We shall see. For now, I have high hopes and faith that whatever is in our spiritually highest interests will occur. We both know that if we belong together, we�ll be together when she gets to Santa Fe, and if we don�t, then nothing we do can change that.
No matter what happens in the future, though, no one can ever take away those magnificent 11 days we spent together. They go in my mental memory book as one of the high points of my life.
For now she�s back in Maui, back into her usual life. And both of our lives go on.
If you�d like to see a couple of photos of her, go to http://photos.yahoo.com/ohanamd and click on Friends and Lovers.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Here�s more about Antoinette and our story.
She originally wrote to me in reply to an ad I had placed on Yahoo! Personals. That was last September. She was feeling spiritually called to Santa Fe and really wanted a friend here more than anything else. Nevertheless, we did write a bit about what we wanted in a romantic relationship. Besides, we both acknowledged that until we met in person, we�d have no idea if there was romantic/sexual potential between us or not.
We wrote back and forth a few times, but not often. I admit that I was the one who put the spaces in the conversation. Looking back on it, I know that was spiritually perfect (for some reason), and I don�t see why I didn�t follow through more consistently. She�s pretty (and I knew that), we have significant things in common (spirituality being one that distinguishes her from most of the women I�ve met in online dating/matching sites; she�s been involved in Religious Science for years), and she was coming to Santa Fe to visit and maybe to move here. That sounds like the kind of woman I�d want to stay in touch with.
Anyway, when she was ready to come here (literally the day before), she e-mailed me to ask if I might like to get together sometime while she was here. I immediately e-mailed back, saying I would. However, whether I would get that opportunity was uncertain because she was going to spend a lot of time with another man she�d met over the internet who had put more time into getting to know her in advance than I had. If I could meet her, it would pretty much be squeezed in between her times with him. So, I basically put it in the back of my mind. If she called me, I�d be glad to meet her, and I didn�t know if she actually would or not.
On Sunday (5/18) I got a message from her that was cut off so that I didn�t get her telephone number. �Oh, well,� I thought, �if we�re supposed to meet, she�ll call again.� The next day, I received another message � this time with a phone number. I called back and said I was going out to dinner and wondered if she�d like to go with me. She did.
I was just a bit nervous when I arrived where she was staying. I thought that the romantic possibilities were fairly small, and I was primarily going to meet a new friend. Yet, there was the chance�. My first thought when she opened the door was, �OMG, she�s really pretty.�
We had a good time together. One of the things I learned is that she had read ALL of my journal-letters that are online and knew my history almost better than I do. (One day when I couldn�t remember the day I arrived in Santa Fe, she knew.) She hadn�t felt any chemistry with the other guy, so she was free to spend time with me. I asked if she wanted to go to the Margaret Paul Inner Bonding workshop with me the next evening (partly a test to see if we really do have in common some of what�s most important to me). She did.
So, we went to Unity Tuesday evening to experience the workshop. There she met a lot of my friends, including all 3 of the women I�ve been most attracted to at Unity (2 of whom I�ve mentioned in other messages). Cassandra sat right behind her. We both laughed about that later. She had felt nervous about meeting Cassandra because of all I�d written about her. Then she came in and sat right behind Antoinette. What she doesn�t know yet and will learn from this is that another of the women I'm very attracted to was also right behind her � Cassandra slightly to her left and the other woman (who I�ve referred to as L in past messages) slightly to her right. It turned out that C volunteered to do a demonstration with Margie, so Antoinette got to know her even better than I imagined she would. To my relief, she liked Cassandra and said she understood why I�d love her (which will be new information for C when she reads this).
That evening after I took her home, we talked more. I flirted with her a bit (actually this may even have been the evening before; looking back, I wonder if she knew I was flirting) and talked about touching and my reservations about touching her (because I was attracted to her, though I didn�t tell her that explicitly at the time, though I did make references to sitting there with her with a bed a few feet away). By the end of the evening, I knew I wanted to spend as much time with her while she was in Santa Fe as I could. But, still, she was only there for about a week and a half more, and I didn�t know if she was attracted to me or not.
Wednesday evening I went to Cassandra�s Manifesting with Heart and Soul class and talked about Antoinette showing up as a step in my manifesting the relationship I�d been talking about. Cassandra made the comment, �And she�s cute, too.� At that time I referred to seeing her as �practice dating� for several reasons: 1. she was only there temporarily, 2. I didn�t know if she was really interested, and 3. it took the pressure off me.
I wanted to stop by and see Antoinette briefly (and hug her) after my class, but I had the wrong number for her because she had moved from one place to another (long, unimportant story). When I got home, there was a message with her new number, so I called. The truth was, if I had gotten the least encouragement, I would have gotten back in my car and gone over to get (and give) the hug. But, as it turned out, that was the only day I didn�t see her again until she flew back home.
Thursday evening I went on my practice date with her. I went over to where she was staying, and we ordered food in and watched a video. Now, some people might say that that sounds pretty intimate, but I was still thinking practice date and wasn�t certain she was interested in me beyond friendship. That all changed during the video. It fairly quickly became a real date. That became clear when I put my arm around her to watch the video, and she cuddled up to me. It progressed from there. For the record, yes, we did watch the video all the way to the end and didn�t even kiss until it was over.
During the following week, we had a magnificent time together and began falling in love with each other. It wasn�t so much what we did together as that we just enjoyed being together doing whatever we did. One day we drove up to Taos via Chimay� (and El Santaurio). Another day we were going to go to Roswell to visit the UFO Museum, but life intervened. Otherwise, it wasn�t all that big. We watched 4 or 5 videos. We ate together. We went to church. We had lunch one day with Peg (my coworker). We visited a bunch of hotels. (She works as a concierge at the Ritz-Carlton in Maui and was scouting out places she might want to work.) We talked. We laughed. We cuddled and touched a lot. She did a lot of things like museums alone while I was at work. We basically just experienced life together.
We also faced some stressful situations together. These feel to me like some of the most bonding things that happened. On the way home from Taos, my car broke down. We handled it together beautifully, and miracles occurred. Other people might have gotten angry or really upset. We stayed centered in spiritual principle, supportive and loving with each other, and open to whatever life brought us. I'll write a whole message about this amazing, miraculous experience later.
On Monday, when we were scheduled to go to Roswell, I had another prostate episode and got to visit the ER. Most of all, I was distressed that I was disappointing her (about going to Roswell). Most of all, she was concerned about my health. (I'm tearing up as I write that.) I don�t know if I�ve ever experienced more loving care from anyone about anything before in my life.
I�ve debated with myself about whether I was going to say this, and I have to if I want to give a complete picture of how we connected. Starting with that Thursday evening, with a couple of days out for prostate recovery, we made love like bunnies (as she termed it). Not only do we have tremendous sexual chemistry, but we also did it very consciously aware of the energetic bonds we were creating with each other. And we laughed. Some of the things we laughed hardest about were related to sex. It was among the most amazing series of sexual experiences I�ve ever had.
Antoinette isn�t perfect in terms of matching my �list.� But I'm not certain that any real live human being could ever be perfect in terms of matching my list. None of the women I�ve loved most in my life have matched it perfectly. But she does meet all my essentials and the majority of the things I listed as important to me. That seems to me like a great match. We�re compatible spiritually, sexually, physically, in terms of touch, in terms of humor. We like the same books, movies, music, food, and experiences. We kiss alike (which might not sound like any big deal to anyone who doesn�t really like to kiss or who hasn�t kissed someone who�s a kissing mismatch, but which is a big deal to us). We talked about things I�ve rarely talked about with other women. We both love Santa Fe. She likes Unity Santa Fe and Brendalyn. She likes my friends. And we handle stress together wonderfully. I feel stronger when she�s beside me. Borrowing that line from �As Good as It Gets,� she makes me want to be a better man.
Yes, that�s after only 11 days, and we don�t know each other very well yet. Yes, NRE (new relationship energy) is operating. Yes, it will be a challenge to pick up again in 6 months after a long separation. Yes, either of us could meet someone else in the meantime. Yes, it could be that the only reason we met was to catalyze some inner healing work. We shall see. For now, I have high hopes and faith that whatever is in our spiritually highest interests will occur. We both know that if we belong together, we�ll be together when she gets to Santa Fe, and if we don�t, then nothing we do can change that.
No matter what happens in the future, though, no one can ever take away those magnificent 11 days we spent together. They go in my mental memory book as one of the high points of my life.
For now she�s back in Maui, back into her usual life. And both of our lives go on.
If you�d like to see a couple of photos of her, go to http://photos.yahoo.com/ohanamd and click on Friends and Lovers.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Sunday, June 01, 2003
This Is My Life 6/1/03
I'm going to ask this question again in case any of you who might otherwise answer either didn�t read all the way down to it or else didn�t think I really meant that I want your opinions.
I'm not looking for the �right answer� to this question. I'm just looking for various people�s opinions. Besides satisfying my curiosity, it will help me to clarify why some kinds of miscommunication occur in relationships. I believe that many problems in relationships are the result of miscommunication based on differing definitions and expectations, that is, different paradigms for relationships. I think your answers to my question will demonstrate how that might occur. I also think that most people think that most other people agree with them, so they never bother to explore definitions and expectations.
OK, here�s the question: What is a date? How does it differ from spending time with a friend?
My definition of a date is spending time with someone with the hopes or intention of developing a romantic relationship with them. I can do the same activities without those intentions or hopes and, to me, it won't be a date; it'll just be doing something with a friend. So, if I go out to dinner or a movie, for example, with someone who is only a friend (no matter which gender), it isn't a date to me. It doesn�t matter whether we planned it in advance, whether one of us picked the other up, whether one of us pays for the other, or anything else. I do all those things sometimes with friends. The ONLY thing that makes it a date for me is that I have hopes or intentions of developing a romantic relationship.
By my definition, the same event can be a date in one person�s mind and not in the other person�s.
Furthermore, consider this question in the context of being in a committed relationship in which your partner has agreed not to date other people. Would that make a difference to you in how you define a date?
As I read this, I realize that I'm also asking a deeper question: In your conception of a committed relationship, in what ways, if any, is it acceptable to you for your partner (or yourself) to spend time with friends who are of the opposite gender (or same gender for gay/lesbian people)?
And that leads me to still another question, but I'll ask it in another message.
What do you think? Remember, I'm not looking for the �right answer� or advice for other people; I'm just looking for your opinion about yourself and your own partners.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
I'm going to ask this question again in case any of you who might otherwise answer either didn�t read all the way down to it or else didn�t think I really meant that I want your opinions.
I'm not looking for the �right answer� to this question. I'm just looking for various people�s opinions. Besides satisfying my curiosity, it will help me to clarify why some kinds of miscommunication occur in relationships. I believe that many problems in relationships are the result of miscommunication based on differing definitions and expectations, that is, different paradigms for relationships. I think your answers to my question will demonstrate how that might occur. I also think that most people think that most other people agree with them, so they never bother to explore definitions and expectations.
OK, here�s the question: What is a date? How does it differ from spending time with a friend?
My definition of a date is spending time with someone with the hopes or intention of developing a romantic relationship with them. I can do the same activities without those intentions or hopes and, to me, it won't be a date; it'll just be doing something with a friend. So, if I go out to dinner or a movie, for example, with someone who is only a friend (no matter which gender), it isn't a date to me. It doesn�t matter whether we planned it in advance, whether one of us picked the other up, whether one of us pays for the other, or anything else. I do all those things sometimes with friends. The ONLY thing that makes it a date for me is that I have hopes or intentions of developing a romantic relationship.
By my definition, the same event can be a date in one person�s mind and not in the other person�s.
Furthermore, consider this question in the context of being in a committed relationship in which your partner has agreed not to date other people. Would that make a difference to you in how you define a date?
As I read this, I realize that I'm also asking a deeper question: In your conception of a committed relationship, in what ways, if any, is it acceptable to you for your partner (or yourself) to spend time with friends who are of the opposite gender (or same gender for gay/lesbian people)?
And that leads me to still another question, but I'll ask it in another message.
What do you think? Remember, I'm not looking for the �right answer� or advice for other people; I'm just looking for your opinion about yourself and your own partners.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
This Is My Life 5/31/03
I�ll tell you more about my relationship with Antoinette in another message. (Yes, I know, you�re saying, �Antoinette? Who�s Antoinette?�) For now, though, I�ll tell you just enough to make sense of what I want to say about relationship issues that are arising in me.
Very briefly, I met Antoinette in person � after having known her via e-mail since September � on Monday, 5/19. Paraphrasing her slightly, we seem to have done 11 months of relationship in 11 days. From that Monday until I left her at the airport this past Thursday morning (5/29), I was with her most of my non-work time and saw her all but one of those days. Not only did we spend a lot of time together, but we also faced some pretty stressful situations together. I thoroughly enjoyed being with her, and I began falling in love with her. Now she�s gone back to Maui, where she lives. She plans to move to Santa Fe about December 1st (that�s independent of our relationship; she was visiting to see if she wanted to move here), and that�s 6 months away (in case you can�t figure that out by yourself). It�s likely we won�t see each other again until then. A couple of evenings before she left, we had a �what will we do for the next 6 months while we�re apart?� conversation. That set off a (what shall I call it?) mild fight, though a pretty emotionally distressing one. We pretty much resolved it by both affirming that we want to focus on seeing how this relationship will develop.
It turned out to take more than I expected to give the context.
Actually, there�s one more necessary piece of context. From the beginning we both said we don�t like long-distance relationships. She wrote in her 2nd e-mail to me last September, �I did not write to you with the intention of starting a romantic relationship with you because I already know from past experience that long-distance love relationships do not work out for me. I put a lot of time, effort, and caring into my relationships and really need to live near my partner. Communicating by email, telephone, and letters, exclusively, just doesn't do it for me.� I was in total agreement with that. When we met in person on the 19th, it was still with the intention of just being friends (mostly for me, anyway; I acknowledge some hope that there might be more, but little expectation that there would be). By Thursday the 22nd, that had changed. (More about that in the other letter I'll write.)
And now here we are, 2 people who don�t like long-distance relationships, in a long-distance relationship. Apparently there was something within me that knew I had important things to realize, heal, and/or grow from by having one. And so it is. Thank You, God, for this wonderful, though not particularly thrilling, opportunity.
By the way, for anyone else who, like me, is concerned about confidentiality: I�ve asked Antoinette and gotten permission to write about her.
Before I write about the issues that are already arising, I want to clarify that I'm not looking for advice. I know a lot about what to do with the issues that come up. Right now I'm just exploring and reporting what I'm realizing. Perhaps some of you will identify and/or find some kind of value from reading this. Otherwise, it�s just a way for you to know me more deeply. If I want suggestions, I'll let you know.
Also I want to make it clear that I'm not talking about Antoinette (or anyone else). I'm talking about my own consciousness. If, for example, I don�t trust her, that isn�t about her; it�s about my own inability to trust. She isn�t doing anything �wrong,� and she doesn�t need to change anything. For those of you who don�t already know, I'm essentially doing the first 2 steps of Margie Paul�s Inner Bonding process (1. being willing to feel my pain and fear and be responsible for them and my security and 2. choosing the intent to learn about loving myself and others). If you don�t know the process, I recommend it to you highly.
Finally, then, here are the issues that are appearing:
1. Knowing how much we both dislike long-distance romantic relationships, I wonder what I'm doing trying to have one with her. Am I setting myself up for failure? Am I setting myself up to be hurt? Am I setting myself up to hurt her somehow? Or, alternatively, as I said above, am I creating an opportunity to come to peace with something I�ve been in resistance about? (These and all other questions in this letter are rhetorical questions, not ones requesting answers.)
2. I need a lot of attention, affection, and physical contact to feel connected and loved. I prefer to see a woman I love every day; if not, I at least want to talk with her every day. I need to touch a lot, and if we�ve been separated, even just for a few hours, I need to reconnect through touch. If I can�t touch someone, it feels to me like a fantasy relationship. Even my friends would tell you that � if they�ve noticed. If I feel close, or want to, I touch when I see people � even if just a quick touch on the shoulder as they walk past me. In love relationships, �extreme touch� (cuddling, spooning, and/or sex) is important to me frequently. That�s part of why sleeping together (as distinguished from sex) is so important to me, too. When I'm arguing with someone I love, I prefer to stay in physical contact. That says to me that we still care and will get through it even though we�re upset right now. When we break off physical contact, my distress level goes up tremendously, and I never feel resolved with an argument until we reconnect physically � at least with a hug. How can I stay connected when I can�t possibly get enough attention or affection and when we can�t touch at all? I know this isn�t true for everyone. It does seem to also be true for Antoinette. (That was one thing that endeared her to me.) So, how can she stay connected with me under these circumstances? In other words, how can I help but lose her?
3. I have a history of women I�ve loved doing things behind my back that hurt me. What was most hurtful of all to me though, was the lying and deception. I�d much rather know, for example, that a woman is having sex with other men than for her to be doing it and keeping it a secret. Consequently, it feels more comfortable to me to have a woman tell me that she will (or might) be involved with other men than for her to tell me that she won�t be. At least then I feel more confident that I can believe her. I guess I have trust issues with women, huh? I�d rather she do anything openly and in full view than hide it from me.
4. More broadly than that, I don�t like the unknown. If I love someone, I like to see the grocery store she goes to, for example. That broadly. This isn�t so much a matter of trust as it is a matter of feeling like I really know her and really share her life. When my first girlfriend (Pat) went to Japan with her family for the summer after my senior year in high school, I asked volumes of questions, wanted to read detailed descriptions of her experiences, loved the photos she sent back, and even did research to learn about Japan and learned a little Japanese. Still, I never felt like I really knew that part of her. Today, while I�ve been writing this, I watched some program on TV that I had no interest in just because it was set in Hawaii. No matter how many photos Antoinette might send me (and she takes a lot of them) or how she might describe her life and friends, there�s no way I'll ever feel connected to all that as long as I don�t experience them in person.
5. She doesn�t want me to come over there to visit. I know she has what seem to her to be good reasons for that, and it sets off alarms in me anyway. I'm seeing that my wounds from being deceived are still more unhealed than I wish they were.
6. It also sets off alarms about not really being cared about. If it were me, I�d want her here as often as possible. There�s another one that�s more unhealed than I wish it were. It takes a lot for me to really get that a woman loves me.
7. I fear that if she doesn�t continue dating other men, she�ll never really be sure that she wants to be with me. I don�t want a primary relationship with her if I'm not the man she�d most like to be involved with. How can she really know that someone else she�ll be crazy about won�t come along while we�re separated? Of course, how is this not a never-ending thing? In the past women who thought they wanted to be with me decided much later that they�d really rather be with someone else, so maybe this never does end. In this case, though, is it really reasonable for her to decide after 11 days that I'm the man for her?
8. I keep thinking that 6 months is a long time for her to go without dating, affection, and sex while we�re separated. Is it fair for me to want her to deprive herself of those? It seems very unloving of me to want that. If I love her, why would I not want her to have a full life while we�re separated? This is a confusing one for me. Thus, I told her that I want her to do whatever she wants most to do, which seems like the most loving option possible. She didn�t like that, though. It feels like a very different thing if she has the freedom to date and then chooses not to than if I say I don�t want her to and so she doesn�t. The former seems like her free choice; the latter seems like me controlling her. And I hate controlling behavior. This may partly be semantics. (Those of you who think I analyze too much may want to skip the rest of this paragraph. What you call analyzing, I call attempting to clearly communicate, by the way.) I perceive a continuum from control to no control: demands � wants � hard requests (will you?) � soft requests (I�d like it if you�d �) � preferences. So, in other words, for me to say that I want something is close to making a demand. In that sense, I don�t want anything from Antoinette, though I have a lot of preferences. If she does some of those things, I want it to be her free choice, not satisfying what I want. (And I acknowledge that I don�t always use the word �want� consistently with this.) If we belong together, then she�ll freely choose to do what works for me for her own reasons, not because I said I wanted it. That�s what I really want. I want her to do what she wants most to do � and I hope that it will be a choice that works for me, too (I�d prefer that).
9. OK, here�s one I do want feedback about: What is a date? How does it differ from spending time with a friend? I have my definitions, but do they agree with hers? (Rhetorical question again � and from here on.) We haven�t talked about that � yet. What if my idea of a date and hers are very different?
10. Both my fear of abandonment and my fear of being �trapped� are up.
11. I fear that nothing I ever do will satisfy her (or any woman). This is an old one for me � starting with my mother.
12. What if I'm making a mistake? This comes up about nearly everything in my life.
Please remember that I'm talking about issues in my consciousness about relationships, not about truth or about Antoinette. It�s all up for healing.
Some of this would have arisen no matter what relationship I started. Some of it wouldn�t have, though, if we weren�t going to be separated for a while. And what would have come up anyway wouldn�t have been as strong as it is without us being separated. So, it�s all perfect for my healing. Is it any surprise that I haven�t found a partner before now?
I breathe deeply, and I take one step after another. The next step in Inner Bonding is for me to explore more deeply my fears, false beliefs, memories, and resulting behavior that�s causing me pain. Then I ask for spiritual guidance about what is spiritual truth and what loving actions would be. I'll let you know what comes of it.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
I�ll tell you more about my relationship with Antoinette in another message. (Yes, I know, you�re saying, �Antoinette? Who�s Antoinette?�) For now, though, I�ll tell you just enough to make sense of what I want to say about relationship issues that are arising in me.
Very briefly, I met Antoinette in person � after having known her via e-mail since September � on Monday, 5/19. Paraphrasing her slightly, we seem to have done 11 months of relationship in 11 days. From that Monday until I left her at the airport this past Thursday morning (5/29), I was with her most of my non-work time and saw her all but one of those days. Not only did we spend a lot of time together, but we also faced some pretty stressful situations together. I thoroughly enjoyed being with her, and I began falling in love with her. Now she�s gone back to Maui, where she lives. She plans to move to Santa Fe about December 1st (that�s independent of our relationship; she was visiting to see if she wanted to move here), and that�s 6 months away (in case you can�t figure that out by yourself). It�s likely we won�t see each other again until then. A couple of evenings before she left, we had a �what will we do for the next 6 months while we�re apart?� conversation. That set off a (what shall I call it?) mild fight, though a pretty emotionally distressing one. We pretty much resolved it by both affirming that we want to focus on seeing how this relationship will develop.
It turned out to take more than I expected to give the context.
Actually, there�s one more necessary piece of context. From the beginning we both said we don�t like long-distance relationships. She wrote in her 2nd e-mail to me last September, �I did not write to you with the intention of starting a romantic relationship with you because I already know from past experience that long-distance love relationships do not work out for me. I put a lot of time, effort, and caring into my relationships and really need to live near my partner. Communicating by email, telephone, and letters, exclusively, just doesn't do it for me.� I was in total agreement with that. When we met in person on the 19th, it was still with the intention of just being friends (mostly for me, anyway; I acknowledge some hope that there might be more, but little expectation that there would be). By Thursday the 22nd, that had changed. (More about that in the other letter I'll write.)
And now here we are, 2 people who don�t like long-distance relationships, in a long-distance relationship. Apparently there was something within me that knew I had important things to realize, heal, and/or grow from by having one. And so it is. Thank You, God, for this wonderful, though not particularly thrilling, opportunity.
By the way, for anyone else who, like me, is concerned about confidentiality: I�ve asked Antoinette and gotten permission to write about her.
Before I write about the issues that are already arising, I want to clarify that I'm not looking for advice. I know a lot about what to do with the issues that come up. Right now I'm just exploring and reporting what I'm realizing. Perhaps some of you will identify and/or find some kind of value from reading this. Otherwise, it�s just a way for you to know me more deeply. If I want suggestions, I'll let you know.
Also I want to make it clear that I'm not talking about Antoinette (or anyone else). I'm talking about my own consciousness. If, for example, I don�t trust her, that isn�t about her; it�s about my own inability to trust. She isn�t doing anything �wrong,� and she doesn�t need to change anything. For those of you who don�t already know, I'm essentially doing the first 2 steps of Margie Paul�s Inner Bonding process (1. being willing to feel my pain and fear and be responsible for them and my security and 2. choosing the intent to learn about loving myself and others). If you don�t know the process, I recommend it to you highly.
Finally, then, here are the issues that are appearing:
1. Knowing how much we both dislike long-distance romantic relationships, I wonder what I'm doing trying to have one with her. Am I setting myself up for failure? Am I setting myself up to be hurt? Am I setting myself up to hurt her somehow? Or, alternatively, as I said above, am I creating an opportunity to come to peace with something I�ve been in resistance about? (These and all other questions in this letter are rhetorical questions, not ones requesting answers.)
2. I need a lot of attention, affection, and physical contact to feel connected and loved. I prefer to see a woman I love every day; if not, I at least want to talk with her every day. I need to touch a lot, and if we�ve been separated, even just for a few hours, I need to reconnect through touch. If I can�t touch someone, it feels to me like a fantasy relationship. Even my friends would tell you that � if they�ve noticed. If I feel close, or want to, I touch when I see people � even if just a quick touch on the shoulder as they walk past me. In love relationships, �extreme touch� (cuddling, spooning, and/or sex) is important to me frequently. That�s part of why sleeping together (as distinguished from sex) is so important to me, too. When I'm arguing with someone I love, I prefer to stay in physical contact. That says to me that we still care and will get through it even though we�re upset right now. When we break off physical contact, my distress level goes up tremendously, and I never feel resolved with an argument until we reconnect physically � at least with a hug. How can I stay connected when I can�t possibly get enough attention or affection and when we can�t touch at all? I know this isn�t true for everyone. It does seem to also be true for Antoinette. (That was one thing that endeared her to me.) So, how can she stay connected with me under these circumstances? In other words, how can I help but lose her?
3. I have a history of women I�ve loved doing things behind my back that hurt me. What was most hurtful of all to me though, was the lying and deception. I�d much rather know, for example, that a woman is having sex with other men than for her to be doing it and keeping it a secret. Consequently, it feels more comfortable to me to have a woman tell me that she will (or might) be involved with other men than for her to tell me that she won�t be. At least then I feel more confident that I can believe her. I guess I have trust issues with women, huh? I�d rather she do anything openly and in full view than hide it from me.
4. More broadly than that, I don�t like the unknown. If I love someone, I like to see the grocery store she goes to, for example. That broadly. This isn�t so much a matter of trust as it is a matter of feeling like I really know her and really share her life. When my first girlfriend (Pat) went to Japan with her family for the summer after my senior year in high school, I asked volumes of questions, wanted to read detailed descriptions of her experiences, loved the photos she sent back, and even did research to learn about Japan and learned a little Japanese. Still, I never felt like I really knew that part of her. Today, while I�ve been writing this, I watched some program on TV that I had no interest in just because it was set in Hawaii. No matter how many photos Antoinette might send me (and she takes a lot of them) or how she might describe her life and friends, there�s no way I'll ever feel connected to all that as long as I don�t experience them in person.
5. She doesn�t want me to come over there to visit. I know she has what seem to her to be good reasons for that, and it sets off alarms in me anyway. I'm seeing that my wounds from being deceived are still more unhealed than I wish they were.
6. It also sets off alarms about not really being cared about. If it were me, I�d want her here as often as possible. There�s another one that�s more unhealed than I wish it were. It takes a lot for me to really get that a woman loves me.
7. I fear that if she doesn�t continue dating other men, she�ll never really be sure that she wants to be with me. I don�t want a primary relationship with her if I'm not the man she�d most like to be involved with. How can she really know that someone else she�ll be crazy about won�t come along while we�re separated? Of course, how is this not a never-ending thing? In the past women who thought they wanted to be with me decided much later that they�d really rather be with someone else, so maybe this never does end. In this case, though, is it really reasonable for her to decide after 11 days that I'm the man for her?
8. I keep thinking that 6 months is a long time for her to go without dating, affection, and sex while we�re separated. Is it fair for me to want her to deprive herself of those? It seems very unloving of me to want that. If I love her, why would I not want her to have a full life while we�re separated? This is a confusing one for me. Thus, I told her that I want her to do whatever she wants most to do, which seems like the most loving option possible. She didn�t like that, though. It feels like a very different thing if she has the freedom to date and then chooses not to than if I say I don�t want her to and so she doesn�t. The former seems like her free choice; the latter seems like me controlling her. And I hate controlling behavior. This may partly be semantics. (Those of you who think I analyze too much may want to skip the rest of this paragraph. What you call analyzing, I call attempting to clearly communicate, by the way.) I perceive a continuum from control to no control: demands � wants � hard requests (will you?) � soft requests (I�d like it if you�d �) � preferences. So, in other words, for me to say that I want something is close to making a demand. In that sense, I don�t want anything from Antoinette, though I have a lot of preferences. If she does some of those things, I want it to be her free choice, not satisfying what I want. (And I acknowledge that I don�t always use the word �want� consistently with this.) If we belong together, then she�ll freely choose to do what works for me for her own reasons, not because I said I wanted it. That�s what I really want. I want her to do what she wants most to do � and I hope that it will be a choice that works for me, too (I�d prefer that).
9. OK, here�s one I do want feedback about: What is a date? How does it differ from spending time with a friend? I have my definitions, but do they agree with hers? (Rhetorical question again � and from here on.) We haven�t talked about that � yet. What if my idea of a date and hers are very different?
10. Both my fear of abandonment and my fear of being �trapped� are up.
11. I fear that nothing I ever do will satisfy her (or any woman). This is an old one for me � starting with my mother.
12. What if I'm making a mistake? This comes up about nearly everything in my life.
Please remember that I'm talking about issues in my consciousness about relationships, not about truth or about Antoinette. It�s all up for healing.
Some of this would have arisen no matter what relationship I started. Some of it wouldn�t have, though, if we weren�t going to be separated for a while. And what would have come up anyway wouldn�t have been as strong as it is without us being separated. So, it�s all perfect for my healing. Is it any surprise that I haven�t found a partner before now?
I breathe deeply, and I take one step after another. The next step in Inner Bonding is for me to explore more deeply my fears, false beliefs, memories, and resulting behavior that�s causing me pain. Then I ask for spiritual guidance about what is spiritual truth and what loving actions would be. I'll let you know what comes of it.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
This Is My Life 5/13/03
I'm not going to reply to most of what other people have said in reply to yesterday's message yet because I want to see what other people might say before I do. I'll just comment for now that it's interesting to me what some people are reading into what I wrote that I didn't actually say. There is one reply that I'd like to make some comments about, though.
I see the issue of "learning to accept rejection and humiliation" differently than this person does. I believe that what we resist, we continue to create until we can accept it. Therefore a sign of a high spiritual consciousness is to be able to accept anything that occurs.
That's different than what we choose to focus on. Yes, of course, I focus on the positive. Part of the positive is that the women who aren't right for me don't get involved with me. Therefore, sometimes I receive turndowns as part of my process of discovering who isn't really right for me. I see that as very positive. Maybe one day I'll progress to only approaching women who are right for me (or the one who is really right for me, as the case may be). So far I haven't reached that level of spiritual discernment, and I'm willing to. That was the main point of my message. I'm working on learning the process of discernment with women.
When I use the terms "rejection" and "humiliation," I mean them as descriptions of behavior that women use when I invite them to become involved. I'm not adding all the interpretations to that. That she rejects or attempts to humiliate is her choice. How I interpret that is mine. As this person suggested, I can interpret it as her loss. I can also interpret it as a blessing - that I've discovered another woman who isn't right for me. (My point of view is that every event and every circumstance can be interpreted from any of at least 6 points of view: as a disaster, as a problem, as a challenge, as an opportunity, as a blessing, or as a miracle. I prefer interpreting things as opportunities, blessings, and miracles.)
My opportunity is to learn to accept their behavior rather than to be disappointed, frustrated, or hurt by it (all of which, of course, comes from my interpretation of it). "Oh, she rejected me. Isn't that interesting? I guess we must not be a right match." That's what I mean by accepting it. What I've done in the past that doesn't work for me is to keep hoping and longing for her to change her mind (that is, resisting rather than accepting).
I also believe that until I can accept rejection and humiliation and not be stopped by them, then I'm blocking my own success in relationships. I am here to remove all barriers to experiencing and expressing my magnificence. Finding a relationship and facing whatever comes in doing that is one of the spiritual paths to that end.
I think some people have never received women�s (or men�s, depending on their sexual orientation) attempts to humiliate. I have. Some metaphysicians would say that I created that by my thoughts and beliefs. I believe that some of what we�re receiving has nothing to do with our own creation � that it�s a divine assignment for us to heal for the benefit of all humankind. I�ve been given a lot of relationship issues to heal as part of my assignment for this lifetime. (I know I sound like a heretic to some of you who are metaphysicians.)
So, there�s a little more context for what I�ve asked.
And, for those of you who don�t know me, or who don�t know me well, here�s a little information about me that you can read: http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=ohanamd.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
I'm not going to reply to most of what other people have said in reply to yesterday's message yet because I want to see what other people might say before I do. I'll just comment for now that it's interesting to me what some people are reading into what I wrote that I didn't actually say. There is one reply that I'd like to make some comments about, though.
I see the issue of "learning to accept rejection and humiliation" differently than this person does. I believe that what we resist, we continue to create until we can accept it. Therefore a sign of a high spiritual consciousness is to be able to accept anything that occurs.
That's different than what we choose to focus on. Yes, of course, I focus on the positive. Part of the positive is that the women who aren't right for me don't get involved with me. Therefore, sometimes I receive turndowns as part of my process of discovering who isn't really right for me. I see that as very positive. Maybe one day I'll progress to only approaching women who are right for me (or the one who is really right for me, as the case may be). So far I haven't reached that level of spiritual discernment, and I'm willing to. That was the main point of my message. I'm working on learning the process of discernment with women.
When I use the terms "rejection" and "humiliation," I mean them as descriptions of behavior that women use when I invite them to become involved. I'm not adding all the interpretations to that. That she rejects or attempts to humiliate is her choice. How I interpret that is mine. As this person suggested, I can interpret it as her loss. I can also interpret it as a blessing - that I've discovered another woman who isn't right for me. (My point of view is that every event and every circumstance can be interpreted from any of at least 6 points of view: as a disaster, as a problem, as a challenge, as an opportunity, as a blessing, or as a miracle. I prefer interpreting things as opportunities, blessings, and miracles.)
My opportunity is to learn to accept their behavior rather than to be disappointed, frustrated, or hurt by it (all of which, of course, comes from my interpretation of it). "Oh, she rejected me. Isn't that interesting? I guess we must not be a right match." That's what I mean by accepting it. What I've done in the past that doesn't work for me is to keep hoping and longing for her to change her mind (that is, resisting rather than accepting).
I also believe that until I can accept rejection and humiliation and not be stopped by them, then I'm blocking my own success in relationships. I am here to remove all barriers to experiencing and expressing my magnificence. Finding a relationship and facing whatever comes in doing that is one of the spiritual paths to that end.
I think some people have never received women�s (or men�s, depending on their sexual orientation) attempts to humiliate. I have. Some metaphysicians would say that I created that by my thoughts and beliefs. I believe that some of what we�re receiving has nothing to do with our own creation � that it�s a divine assignment for us to heal for the benefit of all humankind. I�ve been given a lot of relationship issues to heal as part of my assignment for this lifetime. (I know I sound like a heretic to some of you who are metaphysicians.)
So, there�s a little more context for what I�ve asked.
And, for those of you who don�t know me, or who don�t know me well, here�s a little information about me that you can read: http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=ohanamd.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
Monday, May 12, 2003
This Is My Life 5/12/03
I used to think I understood the signs women give when they�re romantically interested in men. I even wrote about it and taught it in some of my classes. Now I'm wondering if I know anything useful about it at all.
This crisis of doubt began with my colossal misunderstanding of Cassandra. I TOTALLY misunderstood her interests and intentions a year ago when we were traveling together. She still occasionally does things that in the past I would have interpreted as romantic (even sexual) invitations.
And there was the woman 4 or 5 years ago who did something that I even asked some friends about. �What does it mean when a woman does this?� It looked like a come-on to me. It wasn�t.
And there are other incidents with other women.
Then yesterday another woman did something that in the past I would have interpreted pretty clearly as something between flirting and seductive. It wouldn�t be an issue for me if I weren�t attracted to her, and I am. However, she isn�t available (unless she�s polyamorous, that is, and I haven�t seen any signs of that). So, what does it mean?
I'm beginning to wonder if I read interest into lots of things when it isn�t really there. That balances my wondering if I miss interest when it really is there. Maybe I'll never know when women are interested and when they aren�t prior to asking.
(I�ve also misinterpreted women�s shyness as their not liking me, by the way, including one recent incident of that.)
This, of course, wouldn�t be an issue if I were like some men and asked for dates (what�s a more current way of expressing that?) whenever I'm interested, no matter whether the women seem interested or not. But I don�t. At least I haven�t. Some people have suggested that I do that.
Maybe that�s the lesson in this. Maybe I need to be more assertive instead of waiting for some kind of invitation. Maybe I just need to learn to accept rejection and humiliation when it comes. Sounds like fun, doesn�t it?
There are about half a dozen behaviors that I�d like feedback about � especially from women. What would this behavior mean if you did it with a man? What would this behavior mean to you if you saw another woman do it with a man? Actually, come to think of it, feedback from other men would be helpful, too. How would you interpret these behaviors if a woman did them with you?
Maybe no behavior is a predictable message of anything. Maybe the whole idea of reading body language is a fallacy.
Or, maybe women are communicating something they�re denying and may not even be aware of.
Here are the behaviors I�d like your feedback about:
� She stands exceptionally close to me, closer than �normal,� and looks into my eyes while talking with me.
� She touches me a lot while she�s talking with me.
� She hugs me closely (no �A-frame� hug), warmly, with no tension in her body for a VERY long time (I'm talking minutes).
� She shows me parts of her body that are the �sexually-provocative� parts � for example, she repeatedly bends over, wearing something low-cut and no bra so that I can see her breasts.
� She stands talking with me with one of her breasts pressed into my upper arm/shoulder.
� She stands next to me with her hand on my butt.
Am I totally off the wall reading romantic and/or sexual interest into those behaviors? They�re all ones that I�ve misinterpreted as interest from someone. What do you think?
And, on the other hand, if you�re a woman who wants to communicate interest to someone, those are some suggestions of behaviors that I, at least, read that way (even when I'm not the man involved).
Feedback, please.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
I used to think I understood the signs women give when they�re romantically interested in men. I even wrote about it and taught it in some of my classes. Now I'm wondering if I know anything useful about it at all.
This crisis of doubt began with my colossal misunderstanding of Cassandra. I TOTALLY misunderstood her interests and intentions a year ago when we were traveling together. She still occasionally does things that in the past I would have interpreted as romantic (even sexual) invitations.
And there was the woman 4 or 5 years ago who did something that I even asked some friends about. �What does it mean when a woman does this?� It looked like a come-on to me. It wasn�t.
And there are other incidents with other women.
Then yesterday another woman did something that in the past I would have interpreted pretty clearly as something between flirting and seductive. It wouldn�t be an issue for me if I weren�t attracted to her, and I am. However, she isn�t available (unless she�s polyamorous, that is, and I haven�t seen any signs of that). So, what does it mean?
I'm beginning to wonder if I read interest into lots of things when it isn�t really there. That balances my wondering if I miss interest when it really is there. Maybe I'll never know when women are interested and when they aren�t prior to asking.
(I�ve also misinterpreted women�s shyness as their not liking me, by the way, including one recent incident of that.)
This, of course, wouldn�t be an issue if I were like some men and asked for dates (what�s a more current way of expressing that?) whenever I'm interested, no matter whether the women seem interested or not. But I don�t. At least I haven�t. Some people have suggested that I do that.
Maybe that�s the lesson in this. Maybe I need to be more assertive instead of waiting for some kind of invitation. Maybe I just need to learn to accept rejection and humiliation when it comes. Sounds like fun, doesn�t it?
There are about half a dozen behaviors that I�d like feedback about � especially from women. What would this behavior mean if you did it with a man? What would this behavior mean to you if you saw another woman do it with a man? Actually, come to think of it, feedback from other men would be helpful, too. How would you interpret these behaviors if a woman did them with you?
Maybe no behavior is a predictable message of anything. Maybe the whole idea of reading body language is a fallacy.
Or, maybe women are communicating something they�re denying and may not even be aware of.
Here are the behaviors I�d like your feedback about:
� She stands exceptionally close to me, closer than �normal,� and looks into my eyes while talking with me.
� She touches me a lot while she�s talking with me.
� She hugs me closely (no �A-frame� hug), warmly, with no tension in her body for a VERY long time (I'm talking minutes).
� She shows me parts of her body that are the �sexually-provocative� parts � for example, she repeatedly bends over, wearing something low-cut and no bra so that I can see her breasts.
� She stands talking with me with one of her breasts pressed into my upper arm/shoulder.
� She stands next to me with her hand on my butt.
Am I totally off the wall reading romantic and/or sexual interest into those behaviors? They�re all ones that I�ve misinterpreted as interest from someone. What do you think?
And, on the other hand, if you�re a woman who wants to communicate interest to someone, those are some suggestions of behaviors that I, at least, read that way (even when I'm not the man involved).
Feedback, please.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
Saturday, May 03, 2003
This Is My Life 5/3/03
Time to catch up about the spiritual path I�ve been walking in my relationship with Cassandra. There�s enough for me to say that it�s going to take 2 letters. I'm ready to begin talking about something else, so this (including part 2) may be the last of my journal-letters focused exclusively on my relationship with her. We shall see.
I'll cut right to the climax and start with where things stand now, then I'll go back and tell you how I got here. For today (looking at it one day at a time), I'm feeling pretty much at peace with just being Cassandra�s friend and unattached to any dreams of a romantic relationship with her. I'm also becoming interested again in other women, at least casually. (Of course, that just means that I haven�t become seriously interested in anyone else yet.)
Cut to flashback . . . When I wrote last, almost 7 weeks ago (though I can�t imagine it was that long), I had just been slammed with a tidal wave of grieving and wishing I could have a romantic relationship with Cassandra. That�s still painful to remember, so I'm not totally at peace about all of this.
Did I tell you that Cassandra told me (Monday, 3/17 � the dates are more for help in my keeping things straight than they are for you) that she was feeling some distress about my feelings and that she wished I�d just wake up one morning and no longer want a romantic relationship with her so that we could be friends without that energy present? That really impacted me and motivated some changes that I made � deciding not to talk with her any more about my process of grieving and wishing for a romantic relationship with her.
Friday, 3/21, was a very significant day for me in the process. I find it difficult to write about it. That tells me something important. That morning I had another prostate episode. My guidance told me that I most needed was to ask Cassandra for a healing session. When I called her, she told me that she had just the day before told the man she had been dating that she was going to give that relationship a real chance. She said she thought he might be the spiritual mate she�d been waiting for. She believed, and my inner knowing confirmed, that part of the cause of my prostate attack was that I was picking up on that intuitively and was reacting to it. (Interestingly, Karol Truman in Feelings Buried Alive Never Die suggests that prostate problems are about ideas in conflict about sex, refusing to let go of the past, fear of aging, and feeling like throwing in the towel � all of which are related to how I was thinking and feeling about Cassandra and relationships in general those days.)
That afternoon Cassandra did an energy healing session with me. What came up were loads of grieving and some anger at her. At the end I told her that even though I wanted to be happy for her (regarding her relationship with her man), I wasn�t feeling that way. She, of course (at least to me, knowing her, it�s an �of course�), already knew that. When we parted, I felt as alienated from her as I ever have.
That evening, fortunately for me, I had a meeting of my LEC group and had the opportunity to work through more of my feelings and thinking. Cassandra didn�t attend that evening, which helped give me the space to do that (and which, though she didn�t say so, I think she knew it would). I'm incredibly grateful to my friends in that group for their support and assistance.
The next morning I put out a request for support and healing assistance specifically to a handful of the people who�ve become friends here in Santa Fe. (A sidebar: If you aren�t aware of it, nearly everyone in Santa Fe is an artist or a healer or a coach or a therapist � or some combination of those. All of these friends are one or more of them.) I appreciate that I�ve developed those friendships and that those people were there for me as support.
On Tuesday, 3/25, I had a session with Jack Parken, one of those healers. Jack gave me a lot of intuitive feedback that made a big difference, as well as doing the healing work. Some of the more important things he said relevant to my relationship with Cassandra (more in another letter relevant to other things) were that it�s important for me to withdraw some of the energy I�ve been putting into promoting her work and put it into promoting my own instead, that I had psychic cords connecting me to her in unhelpful ways (and we did a process of cutting them), and that he thought it was important for me to back off from her and to stay away from her until I let go of my attachment to her. My inner knowing resonated with all of those � even the staying away from her part, despite my having said shortly before that I didn�t want to do that.
And consequently I chose right then to begin staying away from Cassandra in ways that felt like they were feeding the attachment. That meant not doing things with her socially and not talking with her as my confidante (which felt like a big loss because she had been my primary confidante).
I made one mistake, however (apparently, from some people�s point of view). I was moving the following weekend and wanted help. Cassandra offered to help me on Sunday afternoon. Our time together felt pretty yucky (one of those technical terms). That did help me to confirm, though, that I was making the right choice. So, from that point of view, it wasn�t a mistake at all.
On Tuesday, 4/1, a CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meeting began in Santa Fe after a time of there being none. I was fortunate enough (or spiritually directed) to hear about it, and I attended (and have continued to attend weekly ever since). I'm somewhat resistant to the idea of my relationship issues being an addiction, and I am finding value in the meetings.
Sometime in the midst of all this I received some spiritual guidance that Cassandra is the woman that I came to Santa Fe to meet. I thought that it was a romantic partner; apparently it was a soul contract for another case of unrequited love. To be fair, I have to say that the guidance is that there will be a romantic partner, too, but that Cassandra and the lessons of the unrequited love were the immediate pull that I was feeling. (This also explains why it took me so long to get it together to move to Santa Fe. Cassandra wasn�t here yet. Maybe there were other circumstances, too, that weren�t ready for me. In fact, I�d bet on it.)
Also during my processing, I came to another clear experience of the same thing that I had realized in my individual session with Karen McPhee: All of my longing for Cassandra has been a disguised longing for God and for my Highest Self, not really for her. When I experience the fullness of those connections, then I'll long for no human being, but will also be more available and more attractive � and then will probably find the relationship I'm seeking.
So, from Saturday, 3/22, through Saturday, 4/12, I had very little contact with Cassandra, especially compared to how much previous contact we�d had. As I stayed away from her, I began to feel more and more unattached, though it was always a matter of 2 steps forward and 1 back (or even 2 forward, 2 back, 2 more forward) � and still is.
Never once, though, as I was letting go did I ever forsake my commitment (not a promise, but a felt commitment based on knowing our true spiritual connection) to be her friend no matter what. One day I attended a workshop that she missed, and I took notes for her. Still I think of her when I'm introduced to material that feels significant to me and make her copies of much of it. I'm learning that being unattached to the form of the relationship really doesn�t interfere with my commitment to the essence of the relationship.
As I look back on it, I perceive that an important shift began about 4/10. But I'll tell you that part of the story in the next installment.
For now, I invite you to consider what I�ve said here as it relates to you and to your relationships. I believe I'm one of a group of us doing work on healing and transforming relationships that is evolutionary in nature, not just for us, but for all of humankind. I�m attempting to live a new paradigm for relationships (in comparison to what�s culturally familiar). And I will not give up.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Time to catch up about the spiritual path I�ve been walking in my relationship with Cassandra. There�s enough for me to say that it�s going to take 2 letters. I'm ready to begin talking about something else, so this (including part 2) may be the last of my journal-letters focused exclusively on my relationship with her. We shall see.
I'll cut right to the climax and start with where things stand now, then I'll go back and tell you how I got here. For today (looking at it one day at a time), I'm feeling pretty much at peace with just being Cassandra�s friend and unattached to any dreams of a romantic relationship with her. I'm also becoming interested again in other women, at least casually. (Of course, that just means that I haven�t become seriously interested in anyone else yet.)
Cut to flashback . . . When I wrote last, almost 7 weeks ago (though I can�t imagine it was that long), I had just been slammed with a tidal wave of grieving and wishing I could have a romantic relationship with Cassandra. That�s still painful to remember, so I'm not totally at peace about all of this.
Did I tell you that Cassandra told me (Monday, 3/17 � the dates are more for help in my keeping things straight than they are for you) that she was feeling some distress about my feelings and that she wished I�d just wake up one morning and no longer want a romantic relationship with her so that we could be friends without that energy present? That really impacted me and motivated some changes that I made � deciding not to talk with her any more about my process of grieving and wishing for a romantic relationship with her.
Friday, 3/21, was a very significant day for me in the process. I find it difficult to write about it. That tells me something important. That morning I had another prostate episode. My guidance told me that I most needed was to ask Cassandra for a healing session. When I called her, she told me that she had just the day before told the man she had been dating that she was going to give that relationship a real chance. She said she thought he might be the spiritual mate she�d been waiting for. She believed, and my inner knowing confirmed, that part of the cause of my prostate attack was that I was picking up on that intuitively and was reacting to it. (Interestingly, Karol Truman in Feelings Buried Alive Never Die suggests that prostate problems are about ideas in conflict about sex, refusing to let go of the past, fear of aging, and feeling like throwing in the towel � all of which are related to how I was thinking and feeling about Cassandra and relationships in general those days.)
That afternoon Cassandra did an energy healing session with me. What came up were loads of grieving and some anger at her. At the end I told her that even though I wanted to be happy for her (regarding her relationship with her man), I wasn�t feeling that way. She, of course (at least to me, knowing her, it�s an �of course�), already knew that. When we parted, I felt as alienated from her as I ever have.
That evening, fortunately for me, I had a meeting of my LEC group and had the opportunity to work through more of my feelings and thinking. Cassandra didn�t attend that evening, which helped give me the space to do that (and which, though she didn�t say so, I think she knew it would). I'm incredibly grateful to my friends in that group for their support and assistance.
The next morning I put out a request for support and healing assistance specifically to a handful of the people who�ve become friends here in Santa Fe. (A sidebar: If you aren�t aware of it, nearly everyone in Santa Fe is an artist or a healer or a coach or a therapist � or some combination of those. All of these friends are one or more of them.) I appreciate that I�ve developed those friendships and that those people were there for me as support.
On Tuesday, 3/25, I had a session with Jack Parken, one of those healers. Jack gave me a lot of intuitive feedback that made a big difference, as well as doing the healing work. Some of the more important things he said relevant to my relationship with Cassandra (more in another letter relevant to other things) were that it�s important for me to withdraw some of the energy I�ve been putting into promoting her work and put it into promoting my own instead, that I had psychic cords connecting me to her in unhelpful ways (and we did a process of cutting them), and that he thought it was important for me to back off from her and to stay away from her until I let go of my attachment to her. My inner knowing resonated with all of those � even the staying away from her part, despite my having said shortly before that I didn�t want to do that.
And consequently I chose right then to begin staying away from Cassandra in ways that felt like they were feeding the attachment. That meant not doing things with her socially and not talking with her as my confidante (which felt like a big loss because she had been my primary confidante).
I made one mistake, however (apparently, from some people�s point of view). I was moving the following weekend and wanted help. Cassandra offered to help me on Sunday afternoon. Our time together felt pretty yucky (one of those technical terms). That did help me to confirm, though, that I was making the right choice. So, from that point of view, it wasn�t a mistake at all.
On Tuesday, 4/1, a CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meeting began in Santa Fe after a time of there being none. I was fortunate enough (or spiritually directed) to hear about it, and I attended (and have continued to attend weekly ever since). I'm somewhat resistant to the idea of my relationship issues being an addiction, and I am finding value in the meetings.
Sometime in the midst of all this I received some spiritual guidance that Cassandra is the woman that I came to Santa Fe to meet. I thought that it was a romantic partner; apparently it was a soul contract for another case of unrequited love. To be fair, I have to say that the guidance is that there will be a romantic partner, too, but that Cassandra and the lessons of the unrequited love were the immediate pull that I was feeling. (This also explains why it took me so long to get it together to move to Santa Fe. Cassandra wasn�t here yet. Maybe there were other circumstances, too, that weren�t ready for me. In fact, I�d bet on it.)
Also during my processing, I came to another clear experience of the same thing that I had realized in my individual session with Karen McPhee: All of my longing for Cassandra has been a disguised longing for God and for my Highest Self, not really for her. When I experience the fullness of those connections, then I'll long for no human being, but will also be more available and more attractive � and then will probably find the relationship I'm seeking.
So, from Saturday, 3/22, through Saturday, 4/12, I had very little contact with Cassandra, especially compared to how much previous contact we�d had. As I stayed away from her, I began to feel more and more unattached, though it was always a matter of 2 steps forward and 1 back (or even 2 forward, 2 back, 2 more forward) � and still is.
Never once, though, as I was letting go did I ever forsake my commitment (not a promise, but a felt commitment based on knowing our true spiritual connection) to be her friend no matter what. One day I attended a workshop that she missed, and I took notes for her. Still I think of her when I'm introduced to material that feels significant to me and make her copies of much of it. I'm learning that being unattached to the form of the relationship really doesn�t interfere with my commitment to the essence of the relationship.
As I look back on it, I perceive that an important shift began about 4/10. But I'll tell you that part of the story in the next installment.
For now, I invite you to consider what I�ve said here as it relates to you and to your relationships. I believe I'm one of a group of us doing work on healing and transforming relationships that is evolutionary in nature, not just for us, but for all of humankind. I�m attempting to live a new paradigm for relationships (in comparison to what�s culturally familiar). And I will not give up.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Monday, April 28, 2003
Before I write the next episode of the story of my life, I want to write about communication and how it relates to my messages.
Please note that just because you�re reading this doesn�t mean that you�re one of the people I'm talking about. This is a general statement to everyone about what works for me as replies to my messages.
I felt disappointment and frustration with some of the responses I received after my message about how relating with Cassandra is a spiritual path for me. Actually, I feel the same disappointment and frustration with certain ways some people reply to other people�s communication in general.
When I tell someone about something that matters to me, there are types of responses that I appreciate and others that I don�t. Three that I especially feel dissatisfied with are:
1. The listener/reader giving me his or her opinions about what I�ve said/written without asking if I want to hear them (or without my having already clearly asked for them),
2. The listener/reader giving me unsolicited advice or otherwise trying to fix whatever they perceive to be different than their notion of what would be ideal,
3. The listener/reader completely ignoring what I�ve said/written.
On the other hand, here are some examples of the kinds of replies I do appreciate:
1. Showing attentiveness and caring non-verbally (difficult in writing, I acknowledge, but crucial in person)
2. Empathizing (compassionately reflecting what you�ve heard/read � especially using the tools of Compassionate Communication),
3. Telling me how what I�ve said/written personally impacts you or what it means to you personally,
4. Thanking me for saying/writing what I have � or even just for saying/writing something,
5. Responding with something that just says, �I�ve heard you� � for example, as Rev. Brendalyn suggests, just saying �oh.�
6. After doing one or more of the previous 5 things, talking about your own story (relating a similar experience you�ve had or sharing what�s worked for you in a similar situation in a way that communicates, �I�ve been there, too� � but not in a one-upping �I have a better story than you do� way or with the intention of saying, �Here�s the right thing to do�),
7. If you�re eager to give opinions or advice, asking if I want � or at least am willing � to hear them before giving them (and I want to acknowledge and express my gratitude to my friend who did exactly that after my message about Cassandra).
All of this is one of the reasons I especially appreciate 12-step meetings and people who are skilled with Compassionate Communication (also called Nonviolent Communication or NVC). I�d be pleased if everyone in the world would learn and use the ideas I�ve just listed.
Nevertheless, I know that people will reply however they want to reply � or not reply. That, I guess, gives me the opportunity to reply to them using the skills I�ve listed above, to choose not to tell them things that are particularly sensitive for me, or to keep requesting the kinds of responses I�d appreciate.
And, for now, thank you for reading this and considering it.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
Please note that just because you�re reading this doesn�t mean that you�re one of the people I'm talking about. This is a general statement to everyone about what works for me as replies to my messages.
I felt disappointment and frustration with some of the responses I received after my message about how relating with Cassandra is a spiritual path for me. Actually, I feel the same disappointment and frustration with certain ways some people reply to other people�s communication in general.
When I tell someone about something that matters to me, there are types of responses that I appreciate and others that I don�t. Three that I especially feel dissatisfied with are:
1. The listener/reader giving me his or her opinions about what I�ve said/written without asking if I want to hear them (or without my having already clearly asked for them),
2. The listener/reader giving me unsolicited advice or otherwise trying to fix whatever they perceive to be different than their notion of what would be ideal,
3. The listener/reader completely ignoring what I�ve said/written.
On the other hand, here are some examples of the kinds of replies I do appreciate:
1. Showing attentiveness and caring non-verbally (difficult in writing, I acknowledge, but crucial in person)
2. Empathizing (compassionately reflecting what you�ve heard/read � especially using the tools of Compassionate Communication),
3. Telling me how what I�ve said/written personally impacts you or what it means to you personally,
4. Thanking me for saying/writing what I have � or even just for saying/writing something,
5. Responding with something that just says, �I�ve heard you� � for example, as Rev. Brendalyn suggests, just saying �oh.�
6. After doing one or more of the previous 5 things, talking about your own story (relating a similar experience you�ve had or sharing what�s worked for you in a similar situation in a way that communicates, �I�ve been there, too� � but not in a one-upping �I have a better story than you do� way or with the intention of saying, �Here�s the right thing to do�),
7. If you�re eager to give opinions or advice, asking if I want � or at least am willing � to hear them before giving them (and I want to acknowledge and express my gratitude to my friend who did exactly that after my message about Cassandra).
All of this is one of the reasons I especially appreciate 12-step meetings and people who are skilled with Compassionate Communication (also called Nonviolent Communication or NVC). I�d be pleased if everyone in the world would learn and use the ideas I�ve just listed.
Nevertheless, I know that people will reply however they want to reply � or not reply. That, I guess, gives me the opportunity to reply to them using the skills I�ve listed above, to choose not to tell them things that are particularly sensitive for me, or to keep requesting the kinds of responses I�d appreciate.
And, for now, thank you for reading this and considering it.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
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