9/13/03
This is interesting� I'm waiting for time to call Antoinette, and I'm going through the arising of some inner garbage. If things have gone as planned, she�s out with a male friend she�s known for quite a while (15 years or more). They�re going shopping, to dinner, and then to a movie. That�s nothing that I haven�t done with women friends, and I don�t have any objections to her doing that with a friend. But my insecurities are surfacing as I think about it.
I don�t feel extremely anxious, and I do feel a bit of anxiety. But I keep having fantasies about her doing romantic things with him, deciding she�d rather be with him than with me, and ending up spending the night with him (which I know she wouldn�t do because of being at her mother�s apartment).
I wonder if I�d be going through all of this if she were committed to our relationship (by my definition of it). As long as she isn�t certain she wants to be with me for the long run, I know there�s a chance she�ll find someone else she�d rather be with and break up with me to be with him. Of course, my self-doubts keep reminding me of that. With every man I ask myself, �Could this be the one?� I'm looking to her to create my inner security by committing. That doesn�t work. My inner security can only come from within.
And, yes, I think I�d still be going through all of this even if she were committed. The part of me that doubts myself wouldn�t believe that she really was.
Anyway, that�s my work to do. It isn�t her job to fix it by changing her behavior, thoughts, or feelings. I have to find security no matter what she does. Maybe then I wouldn�t waste my time while she�s spending time with a friend imagining that it�s something that it isn�t.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
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About Me
- Michael
- Santa Fe, New Mexico, United States
- The most important things in life to me are following Spirit without hesitation, awakening spiritually, actualizing more of who I am, learning to easily create reality deliberately, making a positive difference, giving and receiving genuine love, creating and maintaining a magnificent long-term relationship, and fulfilling my life’s purpose. I’m a Cultural Creative, an adult Indigo, a former hippie/folkie who still holds a lot of hippie/folkie values, a male feminist, a Myers-Briggs INFP, an Enneagram type 4, a Highly Sensitive Person, an unusually intelligent man, and occasionally a comedian. I’m usually looking either outside the box or else inside myself for answers. I’m not a run of the mill, every day guy. I don’t share much of Middle American consciousness or values and am proud of being unconventional. The interfaith spiritual path I follow includes mysticism, The Power of Now, Abraham-Hicks, New Thought, ACIM, CWG, Buddhism, and more. Professionally I’m an actor, spiritual/relationship/life coach, writer, educator, interfaith minister, and more. Politically I call myself a Green Democrat. I was spiritually called to Santa Fe, NM, and I love living here.
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