Remember last summer when all I wanted to write about was Cassandra and what I was learning from that? Well, guess what.

Life was rolling right along. I was getting interested in other women. And then Spirit, or whoever is in charge of these things, must have decided that I was ready for an advanced level of the course. So, graciously and generously, Cassandra came back to Santa Fe from Tucson. She, of course, did it just so I could get back on that spiritual path. Well, maybe not, but it worked out that way nevertheless.

For the sake of those of you who haven�t been reading my letters since last summer, here�s a brief review of the history:

I met Cassandra last March (slightly less than a year ago) at Unity Santa Fe. I knew from the moment I met her that there was something important for me to experience or to learn with her. To be absolutely honest, I knew from the beginning that I might fall in love with her. Then as a result of some fascinating intuition and synchronicity, we traveled together for a couple of weeks in June (to Seattle for her to attend Leap of Faith and for me to be on staff for it). In the course of our traveling together, I fell in love with her. She wasn't interested in me romantically though - and never has been. Consequently, we�ve never been lovers.

However, that�s when my walk with Cassandra � Cassandra as a spiritual path � began. Ultimately, I committed myself to having the highest quality friendship I could possibly have with her no matter what. That, of course, flew in the face of conventional wisdom that says if we�re disappointed in love, we should get away from the person. I did just the opposite; I chose (and am still choosing) to be as close with Cassandra as I can be.

Lots of people have asked me why. It�s really very simple: I don�t believe that love is about or dependent on my getting what I want with Cassandra. I believe it�s about growing into my spiritual potential to love unconditionally and to have what A Course in Miracles calls a Holy Relationship with someone who isn�t giving me what I�d prefer. I believe it�s about my holding her happiness and welfare as being equally important with my own, about desiring to contribute to her, about learning and growing, about becoming more of who I can be, and about holding her in the Light in consciousness. No, that isn�t an easy path. It�s definitely a road less traveled. It is, in short, a spiritual path, a spiritual discipline.

In truth, I�ve been working on this for a very long time. I did a poor job of it when my first relationship and first marriage (same thing) ended. Nevertheless, I did make the attempt to stay friends with Pat. I�ve gotten progressively better at it over the years. Fortunately, or not, God has given me the blessing of quite a few opportunities to learn and practice � relationships in which the form changed and I needed to adapt. And now I have my walk with Cassandra as the graduate level course.

So, back to the history: We did some spiritual work together in early July and got clear that we had spent many past lives together, that I had loved her in most of them, that this wasn�t the first time it had been unrequited, and that we had a soul contract for this lifetime that we were in the process of fulfilling. I was absolutely clear that, at that point, we still had more to do together, that we weren�t finished with the contract. So, another answer to why I'm doing this is that I'm doing it because our souls contracted to do it together this lifetime. I came in with the purpose of mastering these lessons.

Eventually Cassandra followed her spiritual guidance and left Santa Fe and moved to Tucson. That was sometime around early August, if I remember correctly. I stayed in touch with her somewhat via e-mail during that time, but not very closely. It felt to me as if she were many miles away, not only in geography, but also in consciousness. I began to heal some and to move on in life and to get interested in other women. Yet, I knew without a doubt that our soul contract together wasn�t completed.

Then, one Sunday in early January, Cassandra showed up again at Unity Santa Fe. She was back in Santa Fe for, to the best of her knowledge at the time, about a month. We picked up right where we�d left off about 5 months before. I was back on my spiritual walk with Cassandra.

Something had changed, though. Through grace or as a result of the inner work I�d done � or because of some combination of the two, most likely � our friendship flowed much more easily than it had in June and July.

And so we took up the process, I believe, of fulfilling our soul contract again.

Before long, Cassandra got clear that she�s staying in Santa Fe, at least until her guidance directs her somewhere else. One of the things I appreciate and find attractive about her is how dedicated she is to following Spirit without hesitation, though, as she would be quick to point out, not necessarily without whining. I identify. And there�s another reason that I'm doing things the way I am: I'm following my inner guidance; I'm doing what�s spiritually mine to do. I may whine about it, I may grieve about it, I may wish it were different, and I know I'm doing very important spiritual work.

As we walk this path (because I believe that she�s on a spiritual path with me, too, though it isn�t as clear to me what her lessons are), we�ve become very close, and it�s an unusual week when I don�t see her 3 or 4 (or more) times � partly, but not entirely, because we�re involved in some of the same activities (church, Living Enrichment Circle, Compassionate Communication practice group, a few workshops, several sessions of a class, and probably more I'm not thinking of right now). We also talk on the phone several times each week.

I�ve also become her supporter, encourager, and promoter for her taking on and manifesting the work she�s here to do. I got her an opportunity to do a one-night class at Unity Santa Fe, then an opportunity to do a 4-week class (coming up in April), and most recently the opportunity to stand in for Rev. Brendalyn at the Sunday services on March 16. I know she�s here to make a huge difference in many people�s lives, and I accept my role in it as sacred work. (This isn�t the first lifetime when I�ve done something similar, by the way.)

The challenge for me is that I'm having a very difficult time letting go of wanting the romantic relationship with Cassandra that I can�t have � no matter how committed I am to doing so. There are some significant reasons for that difficulty:

1. There are (only) 3 women in my life with whom I�ve felt incredible, overflowing happiness most of the time I�ve spent with them. Karen McPhee calls it the joy-body (as opposed to Eckhart Tolle�s conception of the pain-body). Cassandra is one of them. Some of you reading this letter undoubtedly remember Valerie (1995-6). A very few of you may remember Wendy (1978). It�s very difficult for me to let go of wanting more of that.

2. I find a lot of women attractive physically (and in various other ways, too), but it�s a rare thing when I experience serious romantic interest in a woman. With most of the women I do experience it with, the romantic interest fades fairly quickly. Thus finding someone I have long-term romantic interest in that doesn�t fade at all is an experience for me to cherish.

3. I believe that we have a small number of soul connections or soul partners (I'm avoiding the term soul mate because I use that term exclusively for people with whom we have a romantic mate soul contract). When I find one of those people, I want to bask in the glow.

4. I believe that I usually, if not always, recognize immediately the people who are significant soul partners for me. I loved Valerie and Wendy at first sight. With Cassandra, I knew at first sight that something was important and that I might fall in love with her. How many of those do I have in this lifetime? Can there possibly be another one?

4. The more time I spend with Cassandra, the more I love her. And so the path becomes a progressively more challenging one (similar to climbing a mountain, it occurs to me, where the path becomes steeper as we go higher).

5. I can�t imagine any woman I�d rather be with romantically. Could there possibly be a woman I�d like to be with more than her? Since I won�t settle for someone I want less than Cassandra, I imagine this means I may be alone for the rest of my life. I don�t think it would be fair to the woman or in integrity for myself to do otherwise.

I often talk about grief coming in waves. After Cassandra spoke during the services at Unity Santa Fe this past Sunday (March 16), I was slammed with a tsunami. Seeing her up there � being in her magnificence, contributing to people, speaking words of wisdom, being animated, touching hearts � brightly illuminated much of what attracts me to her. I ended up deeply longing for a connection with her as my romantic partner. And then I got to let go again.

Another aspect of our relationship that�s so amazing to me is that I talk with Cassandra about everything I'm feeling and can trust her to hold it all with compassion and to show empathy for me. I know and understand that it does distress her some for me to long for her, and so I'm going to back off some on talking with her about it. That�s my compassion and empathy for her in action.

Despite all of this, I truly only want with Cassandra (or with anyone else) what she also deeply desires. If she doesn�t want a romantic relationship with me, then she isn�t right for me. I accept that, even though I feel profoundly disappointed about it. In accepting it, I'm willing to set aside what I would prefer and embrace whatever is the highest quality relationship (friendship) we both desire. If it�s what she wants, I'll be the best friend to her that I can possibly be.

OK, do you want to know the really embarrassing thing about this � the thing I don�t like acknowledging to myself, let alone to anyone else? I keep asking for guidance about Cassandra, and I keep getting that she isn�t my right romantic partner this time through. I�ve asked repeatedly in as many different ways as I can think of, and I keep getting the same answer. Cassandra isn�t my right romantic partner this lifetime. Just writing that brings up sadness. What I do get, though, is that this whole process, this spiritual path, is perfect for me, that it is exactly what I need to be doing, that I'm facing stuff that I came here to earth to take on for the healing not only of myself, but of all humankind. Yet, I don�t want that to be true. I want all of my guidance to be wrong. And, I just realized that wanting Cassandra so much is perfect, too. It�s a necessary part of what I'm here to heal and learn.

So, as part of this �Cassandra as a spiritual path� process I�ve done a lot of inner work and am continuing to do a lot of inner work. It would probably take me an entire page just to list all the things I�ve been doing, so I won�t mention them. They aren�t all that important anyway, unless you want to use some of them yourself. If that�s true, let�s talk, and I'll give you my best suggestions.

Instead, I'll tell you some of the ways I�m learning, healing, and growing:

1. I'm learning to want Cassandra without needing her or being clingy and glommy about it, and I'm healing everything that has contributed to that.

2. I suspect that you know that some people say that what we fall in love with is the projection of the potential we have within and wish we could bring out more. In other words, we fall in love with our own potential waiting to be actualized. It is true that I love all the things about Cassandra that I wish I could say about myself and am not fully ready to take a stand for in my life.

3. I'm learning to be unattached to what I�ve wanted, to form in a relationship, and to embrace whatever is the highest option available.

4. I'm learning to love unconditionally, no matter what, with no expectations, demands, or needs from Cassandra to feel anything or to do anything.

5. I'm learning to feel happy because she feels happy � for example, if she�s happy in a relationship with a man. Someone created the term �compersion� for that. I hate the term, but I like the idea.

Even though I would like to meet my spiritually correct life partner, I acknowledge that my feelings about Cassandra have sometimes interfered with my motivation to meet new women. (OK, that�s an understatement. I hope you understand the ambivalence that comes when we want to move beyond something that isn�t right for us but has been very important.) So, I'm mostly looking for friendships and casual dating. If the right woman comes along for a romantic relationship, I'll recognize her spiritually (just as I did Cassandra, Valerie, and Wendy).

In the meantime, though, I'm holding the space for whoever is my right romantic partner to appear and for both of us to recognize, embrace, celebrate, and do all we can to grow it into its divine right manifestation and potential. I further hold space for her to be someone I will want as much or more than I want Cassandra, someone who I will love as much or more than I love Cassandra, and someone who will want and love me back equally. I hold for that relationship to be a Holy Relationship, to contribute to the highest benefit of all beings, and to be a model for others of what love and devotion can be and do. And though I hold that space, I believe that it's in God's hands and in the hands of those soul contracts I made before I was born, so I release it to its divine right outcome.

If my spiritual destiny is to never find someone I�d rather be with than Cassandra, then I'll be happy alone and just keep on doing what�s given to me to do.

One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, I walk this spiritual path and open my heart and my soul and my life to whatever may appear.

I'll finish this with the Grace Prayer (adapted from Debbie Tyson�s Grace Prayer):

For Thee I thirst.
Into Thy hands I commit my spirit (my soul, my body, my life, this problem, all unforgiven states).
Thy will is my will.
Thy will be done through me.
Heal me at depth.
Reveal that which needs to be revealed.
Heal that which needs to be healed
So I can glorify You, God, and live in the fullness of Your grace.
It is complete.

And so it is.

I wish you love, peace, and happiness,
Michael
Santa Fe, NM
ohanamd@earthlink.net

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