This Is My Life 5/3/03

Time to catch up about the spiritual path I�ve been walking in my relationship with Cassandra. There�s enough for me to say that it�s going to take 2 letters. I'm ready to begin talking about something else, so this (including part 2) may be the last of my journal-letters focused exclusively on my relationship with her. We shall see.

I'll cut right to the climax and start with where things stand now, then I'll go back and tell you how I got here. For today (looking at it one day at a time), I'm feeling pretty much at peace with just being Cassandra�s friend and unattached to any dreams of a romantic relationship with her. I'm also becoming interested again in other women, at least casually. (Of course, that just means that I haven�t become seriously interested in anyone else yet.)

Cut to flashback . . . When I wrote last, almost 7 weeks ago (though I can�t imagine it was that long), I had just been slammed with a tidal wave of grieving and wishing I could have a romantic relationship with Cassandra. That�s still painful to remember, so I'm not totally at peace about all of this.

Did I tell you that Cassandra told me (Monday, 3/17 � the dates are more for help in my keeping things straight than they are for you) that she was feeling some distress about my feelings and that she wished I�d just wake up one morning and no longer want a romantic relationship with her so that we could be friends without that energy present? That really impacted me and motivated some changes that I made � deciding not to talk with her any more about my process of grieving and wishing for a romantic relationship with her.

Friday, 3/21, was a very significant day for me in the process. I find it difficult to write about it. That tells me something important. That morning I had another prostate episode. My guidance told me that I most needed was to ask Cassandra for a healing session. When I called her, she told me that she had just the day before told the man she had been dating that she was going to give that relationship a real chance. She said she thought he might be the spiritual mate she�d been waiting for. She believed, and my inner knowing confirmed, that part of the cause of my prostate attack was that I was picking up on that intuitively and was reacting to it. (Interestingly, Karol Truman in Feelings Buried Alive Never Die suggests that prostate problems are about ideas in conflict about sex, refusing to let go of the past, fear of aging, and feeling like throwing in the towel � all of which are related to how I was thinking and feeling about Cassandra and relationships in general those days.)

That afternoon Cassandra did an energy healing session with me. What came up were loads of grieving and some anger at her. At the end I told her that even though I wanted to be happy for her (regarding her relationship with her man), I wasn�t feeling that way. She, of course (at least to me, knowing her, it�s an �of course�), already knew that. When we parted, I felt as alienated from her as I ever have.

That evening, fortunately for me, I had a meeting of my LEC group and had the opportunity to work through more of my feelings and thinking. Cassandra didn�t attend that evening, which helped give me the space to do that (and which, though she didn�t say so, I think she knew it would). I'm incredibly grateful to my friends in that group for their support and assistance.

The next morning I put out a request for support and healing assistance specifically to a handful of the people who�ve become friends here in Santa Fe. (A sidebar: If you aren�t aware of it, nearly everyone in Santa Fe is an artist or a healer or a coach or a therapist � or some combination of those. All of these friends are one or more of them.) I appreciate that I�ve developed those friendships and that those people were there for me as support.

On Tuesday, 3/25, I had a session with Jack Parken, one of those healers. Jack gave me a lot of intuitive feedback that made a big difference, as well as doing the healing work. Some of the more important things he said relevant to my relationship with Cassandra (more in another letter relevant to other things) were that it�s important for me to withdraw some of the energy I�ve been putting into promoting her work and put it into promoting my own instead, that I had psychic cords connecting me to her in unhelpful ways (and we did a process of cutting them), and that he thought it was important for me to back off from her and to stay away from her until I let go of my attachment to her. My inner knowing resonated with all of those � even the staying away from her part, despite my having said shortly before that I didn�t want to do that.

And consequently I chose right then to begin staying away from Cassandra in ways that felt like they were feeding the attachment. That meant not doing things with her socially and not talking with her as my confidante (which felt like a big loss because she had been my primary confidante).

I made one mistake, however (apparently, from some people�s point of view). I was moving the following weekend and wanted help. Cassandra offered to help me on Sunday afternoon. Our time together felt pretty yucky (one of those technical terms). That did help me to confirm, though, that I was making the right choice. So, from that point of view, it wasn�t a mistake at all.

On Tuesday, 4/1, a CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meeting began in Santa Fe after a time of there being none. I was fortunate enough (or spiritually directed) to hear about it, and I attended (and have continued to attend weekly ever since). I'm somewhat resistant to the idea of my relationship issues being an addiction, and I am finding value in the meetings.

Sometime in the midst of all this I received some spiritual guidance that Cassandra is the woman that I came to Santa Fe to meet. I thought that it was a romantic partner; apparently it was a soul contract for another case of unrequited love. To be fair, I have to say that the guidance is that there will be a romantic partner, too, but that Cassandra and the lessons of the unrequited love were the immediate pull that I was feeling. (This also explains why it took me so long to get it together to move to Santa Fe. Cassandra wasn�t here yet. Maybe there were other circumstances, too, that weren�t ready for me. In fact, I�d bet on it.)

Also during my processing, I came to another clear experience of the same thing that I had realized in my individual session with Karen McPhee: All of my longing for Cassandra has been a disguised longing for God and for my Highest Self, not really for her. When I experience the fullness of those connections, then I'll long for no human being, but will also be more available and more attractive � and then will probably find the relationship I'm seeking.

So, from Saturday, 3/22, through Saturday, 4/12, I had very little contact with Cassandra, especially compared to how much previous contact we�d had. As I stayed away from her, I began to feel more and more unattached, though it was always a matter of 2 steps forward and 1 back (or even 2 forward, 2 back, 2 more forward) � and still is.

Never once, though, as I was letting go did I ever forsake my commitment (not a promise, but a felt commitment based on knowing our true spiritual connection) to be her friend no matter what. One day I attended a workshop that she missed, and I took notes for her. Still I think of her when I'm introduced to material that feels significant to me and make her copies of much of it. I'm learning that being unattached to the form of the relationship really doesn�t interfere with my commitment to the essence of the relationship.

As I look back on it, I perceive that an important shift began about 4/10. But I'll tell you that part of the story in the next installment.

For now, I invite you to consider what I�ve said here as it relates to you and to your relationships. I believe I'm one of a group of us doing work on healing and transforming relationships that is evolutionary in nature, not just for us, but for all of humankind. I�m attempting to live a new paradigm for relationships (in comparison to what�s culturally familiar). And I will not give up.

Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net

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Before I write the next episode of the story of my life, I want to write about communication and how it relates to my messages.

Please note that just because you�re reading this doesn�t mean that you�re one of the people I'm talking about. This is a general statement to everyone about what works for me as replies to my messages.

I felt disappointment and frustration with some of the responses I received after my message about how relating with Cassandra is a spiritual path for me. Actually, I feel the same disappointment and frustration with certain ways some people reply to other people�s communication in general.

When I tell someone about something that matters to me, there are types of responses that I appreciate and others that I don�t. Three that I especially feel dissatisfied with are:
1. The listener/reader giving me his or her opinions about what I�ve said/written without asking if I want to hear them (or without my having already clearly asked for them),
2. The listener/reader giving me unsolicited advice or otherwise trying to fix whatever they perceive to be different than their notion of what would be ideal,
3. The listener/reader completely ignoring what I�ve said/written.

On the other hand, here are some examples of the kinds of replies I do appreciate:
1. Showing attentiveness and caring non-verbally (difficult in writing, I acknowledge, but crucial in person)
2. Empathizing (compassionately reflecting what you�ve heard/read � especially using the tools of Compassionate Communication),
3. Telling me how what I�ve said/written personally impacts you or what it means to you personally,
4. Thanking me for saying/writing what I have � or even just for saying/writing something,
5. Responding with something that just says, �I�ve heard you� � for example, as Rev. Brendalyn suggests, just saying �oh.�
6. After doing one or more of the previous 5 things, talking about your own story (relating a similar experience you�ve had or sharing what�s worked for you in a similar situation in a way that communicates, �I�ve been there, too� � but not in a one-upping �I have a better story than you do� way or with the intention of saying, �Here�s the right thing to do�),
7. If you�re eager to give opinions or advice, asking if I want � or at least am willing � to hear them before giving them (and I want to acknowledge and express my gratitude to my friend who did exactly that after my message about Cassandra).

All of this is one of the reasons I especially appreciate 12-step meetings and people who are skilled with Compassionate Communication (also called Nonviolent Communication or NVC). I�d be pleased if everyone in the world would learn and use the ideas I�ve just listed.

Nevertheless, I know that people will reply however they want to reply � or not reply. That, I guess, gives me the opportunity to reply to them using the skills I�ve listed above, to choose not to tell them things that are particularly sensitive for me, or to keep requesting the kinds of responses I�d appreciate.

And, for now, thank you for reading this and considering it.

Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan