This Is My Life 6/7/03
I finally have some time to organize and report back the multitude of replies I received on the topic of understanding women�s non-verbal communication. I sent this same message to quite a few people I know as well as to a variety of online groups that are about relationships and singles issues. I think I received replies from every group as well as from quite a few friends. I even talked with some of you in person about it � including Cassandra, the woman I misinterpreted so much a year ago, and Antoinette, the woman I�ve most recently dated.
There�s so much to report that I'll divide it up into at least 2 (and maybe more) messages.
Reminding you of the behaviors I was asking about, they were:
1. She stands exceptionally close to me, closer than �normal,� and looks into my eyes while talking with me.
2. She touches me a lot while she's talking with me.
3. She hugs me closely (no "A-frame" hug), warmly, with no tension in her body for a VERY long time (I'm talking minutes).
4. She shows me parts of her body that are the "sexually-provocative" parts - for example, she repeatedly bends over, wearing something low-cut and no bra so that I can see her breasts.
5. She stands talking with me with one of her breasts pressed into my upper arm/shoulder.
6. She stands next to me with her hand on my butt.
The first thing I noted was that quite a few people didn�t reply to what I asked. Here are a couple of paragraphs from my first message:
*There are about half a dozen behaviors that I'd like feedback about - especially from women. What would this behavior mean if you did it with a man? What would this behavior mean to you if you saw another woman do it with a man? Actually, come to think of it, feedback from other men would be helpful, too. How would you interpret these behaviors if a woman did them with you?�
�Am I totally off the wall reading romantic and/or sexual interest into those behaviors? They're all ones that I've misinterpreted as interest from someone. What do you think?�
In other words, I wanted feedback about how you�d interpret these actions. In the second paragraph I�ve quoted, I made it clear that I already know whether these women are interested in me romantically and/or sexually or not � and that none of them is. I was hoping to find out if I'm the only one who would feel confused by the behaviors in question. I learned that I'm not.
Some of you took my message as asking for advice. I wasn�t. I was doing research about how behaviors are interpreted and about what they mean to the women who do them. Yes, it has personal meaning to me. It�s also relevant to a chapter I'm writing in a book about meeting people.
Nevertheless, I did receive some interesting and/or useful opinions from the replies beyond what I originally asked.
Several things people said were mysterious to me. One person said he or she perceived me to be the typical man just looking for sex. I'm not clear how I may have communicated that, given that it�s about as far from the truth as possible. I'm open to hearing what I might have said that suggests that, though, since I don�t want to miscommunicate.
Some replies suggested that the writers think I overanalyze body language and that I should just ask instead of trying to interpret it. Another reply said that she appreciated that I'm not just another insensitive clod [I cleaned up the language a bit] who asks women for dates who haven�t shown any interest. So, I want to make a few comments about reading body language.
There�s an old piece of research that tells us that an average of 55% of communication is non-verbal. Another 38% is verbal, but not words (tone of voice, inflections, loudness, etc.). That means that only 7% is actually the words people say. Thus, it makes sense to me that learning to understand non-verbal communication is a useful thing to do.
There�s also research that shows us that people read and respond to non-verbal communication even when they aren�t aware that they�re doing it. Thus, the choice isn�t between reading non-verbal communication and not reading it. The choice is between doing it consciously and doing it unconsciously. I prefer to live consciously.
I think there�s also a difference here between people that isn�t a matter of right and wrong. Some people ask for dates whether they have any idea if the other person is interested or not. Others look for signs of interest first. Both approaches have advantages and disadvantages. The difference may be related to shyness; it may be related to introversion and extraversion. Whatever it�s related to, I'm one of those who has looked for interest before I�ve asked. I'm willing to ask with a little less information in the future (as I indicated in the original message). I'm not willing to give up on learning how to recognize interest � or on teaching other people how to do so.
Some people suggested, and I agree (that was the main point of the original message), that non-verbal communication isn�t necessarily real clear. One man suggested that I give up on trying to understand because it�s difficult or maybe impossible. That�s why I'm interested. I want to learn how to more easily interpret something that hasn�t been very clear.
One woman gave me an example of why that�s important. She said that she�s known a man for many years who keeps misperceiving her behavior as romantic/sexual interest. I think it would be a huge contribution if I could teach people how to more successfully deal with this kind of situation. Part of that, of course, is about asking for clarification. Another part, though, is about both people learning how specific actions may be interpreted. Of course, I need to more clearly learn that first.
Some replies said basically that each woman is different in what their non-verbal communication means. Research also shows that this is a misperception. There isn�t perfect clarity, but non-verbal behavior is fairly consistently used by people within the same culture and is also fairly consistently interpreted by people within the same culture. That�s why some behaviors (like some of them I mentioned) tend to be confusing to a lot of people when they don�t mean what people expect them to mean.
Some of you asked me some questions. I'm not clear how my answers are relevant to how you perceive the behaviors in question, but here they are anyway:
Q: How many of these women are or were students or subordinate workers of yours?
A: None of them.
Q: Are they coworkers?
A: One of them. I won�t be specific when, where, or which behavior, though, because I'm not willing to identify her.
Q: Were these women sober?
A: Yes, in every case.
Q: How did you feel in those situations?
A: In every case I liked what was happening. In some I felt some excitement. In a few I felt some hope for a relationship (because I didn�t know yet that she wasn�t interested).
Q: How did you respond in those situations?
A: In most cases I didn�t do anything but enjoy it. In a few I talked with the woman about what was happening and what it meant to both of us. For the sake of clarification, the only problem I experienced with any of the behaviors was that I misunderstood what they meant or was confused about what they meant. It was perfectly OK with me that the women did what they did. Once I understood, I just interpreted the actions differently.
Q: Do you instantly think �SEX� every time you interact with a female?
A: If I'm attracted to her, I instantly think of the possibilities of a long-term romantic relationship. Because sex is part of that, I guess you could say I think of sex. But, if you�re asking if I want to get her into bed right away or if all I think of is sex, no.
Q: Could it be that you're coming on too strong too quickly and the women are suddenly backing off and you don't understand why?
A: That happened in one case, though I was hoping for a romantic relationship and not just for sex.
Q: Where are you are in your relationship cycle: making friends, looking to get laid, looking for that special someone, looking to get married, or married but looking for excitement abroad.
A: Making friends, dating, and looking for my right spiritual life partner (soulmate).
Here are some general opinions about the behaviors I asked about [please note that I don�t agree with many of them; I'm mentioning them to give an idea of the range of opinions and how differently behavior may be perceived and interpreted; my comments about your comments are in brackets]:
� They might like drama.
� They might like a lot of attention.
� They might flirt a lot.
� They might like to tease men.
� They might be playing games.
� They might see it as a challenge.
� It�s devious behavior.
� Maybe they�re just not aware of what they�re doing and what effect it may have on other people.
� They might need to prove to themselves (and maybe others) that they�re attractive.
� Maybe they got a bit of a thrill from finding out that they had an effect on me.
� The behavior could be related to their cycle of the month.
� They might just mean friendliness and warmth.
� Maybe some of the behaviors are part of their family or ethnic culture.
� Because we live in such a complex multicultural society, we no longer have clear non-verbal communications.
� I'm pretty dense and am making it way too complicated. [Not sure what I'm dense about.]
� All the signals are clear.
� �You are not off the wall; just lucky.�
� It looks as if the signals are clear, so maybe the problem is that my response is a bit off. [Not clear what response this person perceived to be off. As I said in both the original message and earlier in this one, all of the behaviors I mentioned were done by women who weren�t interested in me romantically or sexually � at least in acting on that interest.]
� All these seemed that the women were coming on to me sexually.
� If the woman told me she wasn't interested in any romantic way with me, it would be very deceptive/confusing.
� If someone invades my body space, perhaps they missed some basic socialization skills along the way. [It seems to me that �invades� implies I didn�t like it, which wasn�t true. I�d have been happy for them to do a lot more of it. The ONLY problem was in interpreting what the behavior meant.]
� Maybe the way I perceived it was wish fulfillment. [That was clearly true in at least some of the cases � not that I misperceived the facts; only that I misperceived the meaning.]
� Congratulations for the acknowledgement that any misunderstandings may be on my part and that maybe it's not just us women being fickle. [It never crossed my mind that they might have been fickle.]
And now for the most valuable and thought-provoking reply I received:
� Some of this behavior may be exhibited by incest survivors; some are unaware that they�re sending sexual messages or even that they�re doing what they�re doing. Survivors tend to sexualize almost everything with a man, even when they aren't interested. [This comment came from a friend who I know to be a sexual abuse survivor who�s been in recovery for quite some time.]
A friend with whom I�ve spent many satisfying hours analyzing things suggested that some people act like they find other people attractive because:
� it is a habit.
� it is unconscious.
� it is conscious.
� it is both.
� it is their way of getting other people to like them.
� it works better than revealing their real feelings.
� it gives them more control over the relationship.
� they find another person attractive.
� they find lots of people attractive.
In my next message I'll tell you about specific comments I received about specific behaviors and possibly some other things.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
Saturday, June 07, 2003
Friday, June 06, 2003
This Is My Life 6/6/03
I learned this morning that a friend (not close, but a friend nevertheless) probably jumped off the Taos Gorge Bridge on Wednesday. She left a suicide note, her car and belongings were found by the bridge, and someone saw her climbing onto the railing. Her body hasn't been found, and the signs suggest that she jumped. I knew, but I guess a lot of people didn't, that she was manic-depressive (bi-polar).
Susan was a wonderful comedian and a great improvisational actor. Her one-woman shows here in Santa Fe drew large crowds. She also attended the Church of Religious Science here. I had taken a workshop in improvisation with Susan and was very impressed with it. A few months ago I offered to see if I could get her gigs in Seattle since I know people there. I'm going back to Seattle again in a little over a week and was about to call her about that.
There's been some interesting synchronicity. Shortly after I learned about this, a friend called me about something else. It turned out that he was in a romantic relationship with Susan awhile back for over a year. I hadn�t even known that he knew her.
Then a coworker and friend called me, also about something else. She had just dreamed about Susan last night (dreamed that Susan was preparing a new show, which is pretty eerily meaningful).
And I was up at the Taos Gorge Bridge just a couple of weeks ago with Antoinette for the first time since I've moved here.
Does anyone have any spiritual perspective on this that might be useful to me? Right now I'm just pretty much in shock.
And I'd also like anyone who's willing to pray for Susan Jayne Weiss, her family and friends, and anyone else who's affected by this situation.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
I learned this morning that a friend (not close, but a friend nevertheless) probably jumped off the Taos Gorge Bridge on Wednesday. She left a suicide note, her car and belongings were found by the bridge, and someone saw her climbing onto the railing. Her body hasn't been found, and the signs suggest that she jumped. I knew, but I guess a lot of people didn't, that she was manic-depressive (bi-polar).
Susan was a wonderful comedian and a great improvisational actor. Her one-woman shows here in Santa Fe drew large crowds. She also attended the Church of Religious Science here. I had taken a workshop in improvisation with Susan and was very impressed with it. A few months ago I offered to see if I could get her gigs in Seattle since I know people there. I'm going back to Seattle again in a little over a week and was about to call her about that.
There's been some interesting synchronicity. Shortly after I learned about this, a friend called me about something else. It turned out that he was in a romantic relationship with Susan awhile back for over a year. I hadn�t even known that he knew her.
Then a coworker and friend called me, also about something else. She had just dreamed about Susan last night (dreamed that Susan was preparing a new show, which is pretty eerily meaningful).
And I was up at the Taos Gorge Bridge just a couple of weeks ago with Antoinette for the first time since I've moved here.
Does anyone have any spiritual perspective on this that might be useful to me? Right now I'm just pretty much in shock.
And I'd also like anyone who's willing to pray for Susan Jayne Weiss, her family and friends, and anyone else who's affected by this situation.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Monday, June 02, 2003
This Is My Life 6/1/03
Here�s more about Antoinette and our story.
She originally wrote to me in reply to an ad I had placed on Yahoo! Personals. That was last September. She was feeling spiritually called to Santa Fe and really wanted a friend here more than anything else. Nevertheless, we did write a bit about what we wanted in a romantic relationship. Besides, we both acknowledged that until we met in person, we�d have no idea if there was romantic/sexual potential between us or not.
We wrote back and forth a few times, but not often. I admit that I was the one who put the spaces in the conversation. Looking back on it, I know that was spiritually perfect (for some reason), and I don�t see why I didn�t follow through more consistently. She�s pretty (and I knew that), we have significant things in common (spirituality being one that distinguishes her from most of the women I�ve met in online dating/matching sites; she�s been involved in Religious Science for years), and she was coming to Santa Fe to visit and maybe to move here. That sounds like the kind of woman I�d want to stay in touch with.
Anyway, when she was ready to come here (literally the day before), she e-mailed me to ask if I might like to get together sometime while she was here. I immediately e-mailed back, saying I would. However, whether I would get that opportunity was uncertain because she was going to spend a lot of time with another man she�d met over the internet who had put more time into getting to know her in advance than I had. If I could meet her, it would pretty much be squeezed in between her times with him. So, I basically put it in the back of my mind. If she called me, I�d be glad to meet her, and I didn�t know if she actually would or not.
On Sunday (5/18) I got a message from her that was cut off so that I didn�t get her telephone number. �Oh, well,� I thought, �if we�re supposed to meet, she�ll call again.� The next day, I received another message � this time with a phone number. I called back and said I was going out to dinner and wondered if she�d like to go with me. She did.
I was just a bit nervous when I arrived where she was staying. I thought that the romantic possibilities were fairly small, and I was primarily going to meet a new friend. Yet, there was the chance�. My first thought when she opened the door was, �OMG, she�s really pretty.�
We had a good time together. One of the things I learned is that she had read ALL of my journal-letters that are online and knew my history almost better than I do. (One day when I couldn�t remember the day I arrived in Santa Fe, she knew.) She hadn�t felt any chemistry with the other guy, so she was free to spend time with me. I asked if she wanted to go to the Margaret Paul Inner Bonding workshop with me the next evening (partly a test to see if we really do have in common some of what�s most important to me). She did.
So, we went to Unity Tuesday evening to experience the workshop. There she met a lot of my friends, including all 3 of the women I�ve been most attracted to at Unity (2 of whom I�ve mentioned in other messages). Cassandra sat right behind her. We both laughed about that later. She had felt nervous about meeting Cassandra because of all I�d written about her. Then she came in and sat right behind Antoinette. What she doesn�t know yet and will learn from this is that another of the women I'm very attracted to was also right behind her � Cassandra slightly to her left and the other woman (who I�ve referred to as L in past messages) slightly to her right. It turned out that C volunteered to do a demonstration with Margie, so Antoinette got to know her even better than I imagined she would. To my relief, she liked Cassandra and said she understood why I�d love her (which will be new information for C when she reads this).
That evening after I took her home, we talked more. I flirted with her a bit (actually this may even have been the evening before; looking back, I wonder if she knew I was flirting) and talked about touching and my reservations about touching her (because I was attracted to her, though I didn�t tell her that explicitly at the time, though I did make references to sitting there with her with a bed a few feet away). By the end of the evening, I knew I wanted to spend as much time with her while she was in Santa Fe as I could. But, still, she was only there for about a week and a half more, and I didn�t know if she was attracted to me or not.
Wednesday evening I went to Cassandra�s Manifesting with Heart and Soul class and talked about Antoinette showing up as a step in my manifesting the relationship I�d been talking about. Cassandra made the comment, �And she�s cute, too.� At that time I referred to seeing her as �practice dating� for several reasons: 1. she was only there temporarily, 2. I didn�t know if she was really interested, and 3. it took the pressure off me.
I wanted to stop by and see Antoinette briefly (and hug her) after my class, but I had the wrong number for her because she had moved from one place to another (long, unimportant story). When I got home, there was a message with her new number, so I called. The truth was, if I had gotten the least encouragement, I would have gotten back in my car and gone over to get (and give) the hug. But, as it turned out, that was the only day I didn�t see her again until she flew back home.
Thursday evening I went on my practice date with her. I went over to where she was staying, and we ordered food in and watched a video. Now, some people might say that that sounds pretty intimate, but I was still thinking practice date and wasn�t certain she was interested in me beyond friendship. That all changed during the video. It fairly quickly became a real date. That became clear when I put my arm around her to watch the video, and she cuddled up to me. It progressed from there. For the record, yes, we did watch the video all the way to the end and didn�t even kiss until it was over.
During the following week, we had a magnificent time together and began falling in love with each other. It wasn�t so much what we did together as that we just enjoyed being together doing whatever we did. One day we drove up to Taos via Chimay� (and El Santaurio). Another day we were going to go to Roswell to visit the UFO Museum, but life intervened. Otherwise, it wasn�t all that big. We watched 4 or 5 videos. We ate together. We went to church. We had lunch one day with Peg (my coworker). We visited a bunch of hotels. (She works as a concierge at the Ritz-Carlton in Maui and was scouting out places she might want to work.) We talked. We laughed. We cuddled and touched a lot. She did a lot of things like museums alone while I was at work. We basically just experienced life together.
We also faced some stressful situations together. These feel to me like some of the most bonding things that happened. On the way home from Taos, my car broke down. We handled it together beautifully, and miracles occurred. Other people might have gotten angry or really upset. We stayed centered in spiritual principle, supportive and loving with each other, and open to whatever life brought us. I'll write a whole message about this amazing, miraculous experience later.
On Monday, when we were scheduled to go to Roswell, I had another prostate episode and got to visit the ER. Most of all, I was distressed that I was disappointing her (about going to Roswell). Most of all, she was concerned about my health. (I'm tearing up as I write that.) I don�t know if I�ve ever experienced more loving care from anyone about anything before in my life.
I�ve debated with myself about whether I was going to say this, and I have to if I want to give a complete picture of how we connected. Starting with that Thursday evening, with a couple of days out for prostate recovery, we made love like bunnies (as she termed it). Not only do we have tremendous sexual chemistry, but we also did it very consciously aware of the energetic bonds we were creating with each other. And we laughed. Some of the things we laughed hardest about were related to sex. It was among the most amazing series of sexual experiences I�ve ever had.
Antoinette isn�t perfect in terms of matching my �list.� But I'm not certain that any real live human being could ever be perfect in terms of matching my list. None of the women I�ve loved most in my life have matched it perfectly. But she does meet all my essentials and the majority of the things I listed as important to me. That seems to me like a great match. We�re compatible spiritually, sexually, physically, in terms of touch, in terms of humor. We like the same books, movies, music, food, and experiences. We kiss alike (which might not sound like any big deal to anyone who doesn�t really like to kiss or who hasn�t kissed someone who�s a kissing mismatch, but which is a big deal to us). We talked about things I�ve rarely talked about with other women. We both love Santa Fe. She likes Unity Santa Fe and Brendalyn. She likes my friends. And we handle stress together wonderfully. I feel stronger when she�s beside me. Borrowing that line from �As Good as It Gets,� she makes me want to be a better man.
Yes, that�s after only 11 days, and we don�t know each other very well yet. Yes, NRE (new relationship energy) is operating. Yes, it will be a challenge to pick up again in 6 months after a long separation. Yes, either of us could meet someone else in the meantime. Yes, it could be that the only reason we met was to catalyze some inner healing work. We shall see. For now, I have high hopes and faith that whatever is in our spiritually highest interests will occur. We both know that if we belong together, we�ll be together when she gets to Santa Fe, and if we don�t, then nothing we do can change that.
No matter what happens in the future, though, no one can ever take away those magnificent 11 days we spent together. They go in my mental memory book as one of the high points of my life.
For now she�s back in Maui, back into her usual life. And both of our lives go on.
If you�d like to see a couple of photos of her, go to http://photos.yahoo.com/ohanamd and click on Friends and Lovers.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Here�s more about Antoinette and our story.
She originally wrote to me in reply to an ad I had placed on Yahoo! Personals. That was last September. She was feeling spiritually called to Santa Fe and really wanted a friend here more than anything else. Nevertheless, we did write a bit about what we wanted in a romantic relationship. Besides, we both acknowledged that until we met in person, we�d have no idea if there was romantic/sexual potential between us or not.
We wrote back and forth a few times, but not often. I admit that I was the one who put the spaces in the conversation. Looking back on it, I know that was spiritually perfect (for some reason), and I don�t see why I didn�t follow through more consistently. She�s pretty (and I knew that), we have significant things in common (spirituality being one that distinguishes her from most of the women I�ve met in online dating/matching sites; she�s been involved in Religious Science for years), and she was coming to Santa Fe to visit and maybe to move here. That sounds like the kind of woman I�d want to stay in touch with.
Anyway, when she was ready to come here (literally the day before), she e-mailed me to ask if I might like to get together sometime while she was here. I immediately e-mailed back, saying I would. However, whether I would get that opportunity was uncertain because she was going to spend a lot of time with another man she�d met over the internet who had put more time into getting to know her in advance than I had. If I could meet her, it would pretty much be squeezed in between her times with him. So, I basically put it in the back of my mind. If she called me, I�d be glad to meet her, and I didn�t know if she actually would or not.
On Sunday (5/18) I got a message from her that was cut off so that I didn�t get her telephone number. �Oh, well,� I thought, �if we�re supposed to meet, she�ll call again.� The next day, I received another message � this time with a phone number. I called back and said I was going out to dinner and wondered if she�d like to go with me. She did.
I was just a bit nervous when I arrived where she was staying. I thought that the romantic possibilities were fairly small, and I was primarily going to meet a new friend. Yet, there was the chance�. My first thought when she opened the door was, �OMG, she�s really pretty.�
We had a good time together. One of the things I learned is that she had read ALL of my journal-letters that are online and knew my history almost better than I do. (One day when I couldn�t remember the day I arrived in Santa Fe, she knew.) She hadn�t felt any chemistry with the other guy, so she was free to spend time with me. I asked if she wanted to go to the Margaret Paul Inner Bonding workshop with me the next evening (partly a test to see if we really do have in common some of what�s most important to me). She did.
So, we went to Unity Tuesday evening to experience the workshop. There she met a lot of my friends, including all 3 of the women I�ve been most attracted to at Unity (2 of whom I�ve mentioned in other messages). Cassandra sat right behind her. We both laughed about that later. She had felt nervous about meeting Cassandra because of all I�d written about her. Then she came in and sat right behind Antoinette. What she doesn�t know yet and will learn from this is that another of the women I'm very attracted to was also right behind her � Cassandra slightly to her left and the other woman (who I�ve referred to as L in past messages) slightly to her right. It turned out that C volunteered to do a demonstration with Margie, so Antoinette got to know her even better than I imagined she would. To my relief, she liked Cassandra and said she understood why I�d love her (which will be new information for C when she reads this).
That evening after I took her home, we talked more. I flirted with her a bit (actually this may even have been the evening before; looking back, I wonder if she knew I was flirting) and talked about touching and my reservations about touching her (because I was attracted to her, though I didn�t tell her that explicitly at the time, though I did make references to sitting there with her with a bed a few feet away). By the end of the evening, I knew I wanted to spend as much time with her while she was in Santa Fe as I could. But, still, she was only there for about a week and a half more, and I didn�t know if she was attracted to me or not.
Wednesday evening I went to Cassandra�s Manifesting with Heart and Soul class and talked about Antoinette showing up as a step in my manifesting the relationship I�d been talking about. Cassandra made the comment, �And she�s cute, too.� At that time I referred to seeing her as �practice dating� for several reasons: 1. she was only there temporarily, 2. I didn�t know if she was really interested, and 3. it took the pressure off me.
I wanted to stop by and see Antoinette briefly (and hug her) after my class, but I had the wrong number for her because she had moved from one place to another (long, unimportant story). When I got home, there was a message with her new number, so I called. The truth was, if I had gotten the least encouragement, I would have gotten back in my car and gone over to get (and give) the hug. But, as it turned out, that was the only day I didn�t see her again until she flew back home.
Thursday evening I went on my practice date with her. I went over to where she was staying, and we ordered food in and watched a video. Now, some people might say that that sounds pretty intimate, but I was still thinking practice date and wasn�t certain she was interested in me beyond friendship. That all changed during the video. It fairly quickly became a real date. That became clear when I put my arm around her to watch the video, and she cuddled up to me. It progressed from there. For the record, yes, we did watch the video all the way to the end and didn�t even kiss until it was over.
During the following week, we had a magnificent time together and began falling in love with each other. It wasn�t so much what we did together as that we just enjoyed being together doing whatever we did. One day we drove up to Taos via Chimay� (and El Santaurio). Another day we were going to go to Roswell to visit the UFO Museum, but life intervened. Otherwise, it wasn�t all that big. We watched 4 or 5 videos. We ate together. We went to church. We had lunch one day with Peg (my coworker). We visited a bunch of hotels. (She works as a concierge at the Ritz-Carlton in Maui and was scouting out places she might want to work.) We talked. We laughed. We cuddled and touched a lot. She did a lot of things like museums alone while I was at work. We basically just experienced life together.
We also faced some stressful situations together. These feel to me like some of the most bonding things that happened. On the way home from Taos, my car broke down. We handled it together beautifully, and miracles occurred. Other people might have gotten angry or really upset. We stayed centered in spiritual principle, supportive and loving with each other, and open to whatever life brought us. I'll write a whole message about this amazing, miraculous experience later.
On Monday, when we were scheduled to go to Roswell, I had another prostate episode and got to visit the ER. Most of all, I was distressed that I was disappointing her (about going to Roswell). Most of all, she was concerned about my health. (I'm tearing up as I write that.) I don�t know if I�ve ever experienced more loving care from anyone about anything before in my life.
I�ve debated with myself about whether I was going to say this, and I have to if I want to give a complete picture of how we connected. Starting with that Thursday evening, with a couple of days out for prostate recovery, we made love like bunnies (as she termed it). Not only do we have tremendous sexual chemistry, but we also did it very consciously aware of the energetic bonds we were creating with each other. And we laughed. Some of the things we laughed hardest about were related to sex. It was among the most amazing series of sexual experiences I�ve ever had.
Antoinette isn�t perfect in terms of matching my �list.� But I'm not certain that any real live human being could ever be perfect in terms of matching my list. None of the women I�ve loved most in my life have matched it perfectly. But she does meet all my essentials and the majority of the things I listed as important to me. That seems to me like a great match. We�re compatible spiritually, sexually, physically, in terms of touch, in terms of humor. We like the same books, movies, music, food, and experiences. We kiss alike (which might not sound like any big deal to anyone who doesn�t really like to kiss or who hasn�t kissed someone who�s a kissing mismatch, but which is a big deal to us). We talked about things I�ve rarely talked about with other women. We both love Santa Fe. She likes Unity Santa Fe and Brendalyn. She likes my friends. And we handle stress together wonderfully. I feel stronger when she�s beside me. Borrowing that line from �As Good as It Gets,� she makes me want to be a better man.
Yes, that�s after only 11 days, and we don�t know each other very well yet. Yes, NRE (new relationship energy) is operating. Yes, it will be a challenge to pick up again in 6 months after a long separation. Yes, either of us could meet someone else in the meantime. Yes, it could be that the only reason we met was to catalyze some inner healing work. We shall see. For now, I have high hopes and faith that whatever is in our spiritually highest interests will occur. We both know that if we belong together, we�ll be together when she gets to Santa Fe, and if we don�t, then nothing we do can change that.
No matter what happens in the future, though, no one can ever take away those magnificent 11 days we spent together. They go in my mental memory book as one of the high points of my life.
For now she�s back in Maui, back into her usual life. And both of our lives go on.
If you�d like to see a couple of photos of her, go to http://photos.yahoo.com/ohanamd and click on Friends and Lovers.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
Sunday, June 01, 2003
This Is My Life 6/1/03
I'm going to ask this question again in case any of you who might otherwise answer either didn�t read all the way down to it or else didn�t think I really meant that I want your opinions.
I'm not looking for the �right answer� to this question. I'm just looking for various people�s opinions. Besides satisfying my curiosity, it will help me to clarify why some kinds of miscommunication occur in relationships. I believe that many problems in relationships are the result of miscommunication based on differing definitions and expectations, that is, different paradigms for relationships. I think your answers to my question will demonstrate how that might occur. I also think that most people think that most other people agree with them, so they never bother to explore definitions and expectations.
OK, here�s the question: What is a date? How does it differ from spending time with a friend?
My definition of a date is spending time with someone with the hopes or intention of developing a romantic relationship with them. I can do the same activities without those intentions or hopes and, to me, it won't be a date; it'll just be doing something with a friend. So, if I go out to dinner or a movie, for example, with someone who is only a friend (no matter which gender), it isn't a date to me. It doesn�t matter whether we planned it in advance, whether one of us picked the other up, whether one of us pays for the other, or anything else. I do all those things sometimes with friends. The ONLY thing that makes it a date for me is that I have hopes or intentions of developing a romantic relationship.
By my definition, the same event can be a date in one person�s mind and not in the other person�s.
Furthermore, consider this question in the context of being in a committed relationship in which your partner has agreed not to date other people. Would that make a difference to you in how you define a date?
As I read this, I realize that I'm also asking a deeper question: In your conception of a committed relationship, in what ways, if any, is it acceptable to you for your partner (or yourself) to spend time with friends who are of the opposite gender (or same gender for gay/lesbian people)?
And that leads me to still another question, but I'll ask it in another message.
What do you think? Remember, I'm not looking for the �right answer� or advice for other people; I'm just looking for your opinion about yourself and your own partners.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
I'm going to ask this question again in case any of you who might otherwise answer either didn�t read all the way down to it or else didn�t think I really meant that I want your opinions.
I'm not looking for the �right answer� to this question. I'm just looking for various people�s opinions. Besides satisfying my curiosity, it will help me to clarify why some kinds of miscommunication occur in relationships. I believe that many problems in relationships are the result of miscommunication based on differing definitions and expectations, that is, different paradigms for relationships. I think your answers to my question will demonstrate how that might occur. I also think that most people think that most other people agree with them, so they never bother to explore definitions and expectations.
OK, here�s the question: What is a date? How does it differ from spending time with a friend?
My definition of a date is spending time with someone with the hopes or intention of developing a romantic relationship with them. I can do the same activities without those intentions or hopes and, to me, it won't be a date; it'll just be doing something with a friend. So, if I go out to dinner or a movie, for example, with someone who is only a friend (no matter which gender), it isn't a date to me. It doesn�t matter whether we planned it in advance, whether one of us picked the other up, whether one of us pays for the other, or anything else. I do all those things sometimes with friends. The ONLY thing that makes it a date for me is that I have hopes or intentions of developing a romantic relationship.
By my definition, the same event can be a date in one person�s mind and not in the other person�s.
Furthermore, consider this question in the context of being in a committed relationship in which your partner has agreed not to date other people. Would that make a difference to you in how you define a date?
As I read this, I realize that I'm also asking a deeper question: In your conception of a committed relationship, in what ways, if any, is it acceptable to you for your partner (or yourself) to spend time with friends who are of the opposite gender (or same gender for gay/lesbian people)?
And that leads me to still another question, but I'll ask it in another message.
What do you think? Remember, I'm not looking for the �right answer� or advice for other people; I'm just looking for your opinion about yourself and your own partners.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
This Is My Life 5/31/03
I�ll tell you more about my relationship with Antoinette in another message. (Yes, I know, you�re saying, �Antoinette? Who�s Antoinette?�) For now, though, I�ll tell you just enough to make sense of what I want to say about relationship issues that are arising in me.
Very briefly, I met Antoinette in person � after having known her via e-mail since September � on Monday, 5/19. Paraphrasing her slightly, we seem to have done 11 months of relationship in 11 days. From that Monday until I left her at the airport this past Thursday morning (5/29), I was with her most of my non-work time and saw her all but one of those days. Not only did we spend a lot of time together, but we also faced some pretty stressful situations together. I thoroughly enjoyed being with her, and I began falling in love with her. Now she�s gone back to Maui, where she lives. She plans to move to Santa Fe about December 1st (that�s independent of our relationship; she was visiting to see if she wanted to move here), and that�s 6 months away (in case you can�t figure that out by yourself). It�s likely we won�t see each other again until then. A couple of evenings before she left, we had a �what will we do for the next 6 months while we�re apart?� conversation. That set off a (what shall I call it?) mild fight, though a pretty emotionally distressing one. We pretty much resolved it by both affirming that we want to focus on seeing how this relationship will develop.
It turned out to take more than I expected to give the context.
Actually, there�s one more necessary piece of context. From the beginning we both said we don�t like long-distance relationships. She wrote in her 2nd e-mail to me last September, �I did not write to you with the intention of starting a romantic relationship with you because I already know from past experience that long-distance love relationships do not work out for me. I put a lot of time, effort, and caring into my relationships and really need to live near my partner. Communicating by email, telephone, and letters, exclusively, just doesn't do it for me.� I was in total agreement with that. When we met in person on the 19th, it was still with the intention of just being friends (mostly for me, anyway; I acknowledge some hope that there might be more, but little expectation that there would be). By Thursday the 22nd, that had changed. (More about that in the other letter I'll write.)
And now here we are, 2 people who don�t like long-distance relationships, in a long-distance relationship. Apparently there was something within me that knew I had important things to realize, heal, and/or grow from by having one. And so it is. Thank You, God, for this wonderful, though not particularly thrilling, opportunity.
By the way, for anyone else who, like me, is concerned about confidentiality: I�ve asked Antoinette and gotten permission to write about her.
Before I write about the issues that are already arising, I want to clarify that I'm not looking for advice. I know a lot about what to do with the issues that come up. Right now I'm just exploring and reporting what I'm realizing. Perhaps some of you will identify and/or find some kind of value from reading this. Otherwise, it�s just a way for you to know me more deeply. If I want suggestions, I'll let you know.
Also I want to make it clear that I'm not talking about Antoinette (or anyone else). I'm talking about my own consciousness. If, for example, I don�t trust her, that isn�t about her; it�s about my own inability to trust. She isn�t doing anything �wrong,� and she doesn�t need to change anything. For those of you who don�t already know, I'm essentially doing the first 2 steps of Margie Paul�s Inner Bonding process (1. being willing to feel my pain and fear and be responsible for them and my security and 2. choosing the intent to learn about loving myself and others). If you don�t know the process, I recommend it to you highly.
Finally, then, here are the issues that are appearing:
1. Knowing how much we both dislike long-distance romantic relationships, I wonder what I'm doing trying to have one with her. Am I setting myself up for failure? Am I setting myself up to be hurt? Am I setting myself up to hurt her somehow? Or, alternatively, as I said above, am I creating an opportunity to come to peace with something I�ve been in resistance about? (These and all other questions in this letter are rhetorical questions, not ones requesting answers.)
2. I need a lot of attention, affection, and physical contact to feel connected and loved. I prefer to see a woman I love every day; if not, I at least want to talk with her every day. I need to touch a lot, and if we�ve been separated, even just for a few hours, I need to reconnect through touch. If I can�t touch someone, it feels to me like a fantasy relationship. Even my friends would tell you that � if they�ve noticed. If I feel close, or want to, I touch when I see people � even if just a quick touch on the shoulder as they walk past me. In love relationships, �extreme touch� (cuddling, spooning, and/or sex) is important to me frequently. That�s part of why sleeping together (as distinguished from sex) is so important to me, too. When I'm arguing with someone I love, I prefer to stay in physical contact. That says to me that we still care and will get through it even though we�re upset right now. When we break off physical contact, my distress level goes up tremendously, and I never feel resolved with an argument until we reconnect physically � at least with a hug. How can I stay connected when I can�t possibly get enough attention or affection and when we can�t touch at all? I know this isn�t true for everyone. It does seem to also be true for Antoinette. (That was one thing that endeared her to me.) So, how can she stay connected with me under these circumstances? In other words, how can I help but lose her?
3. I have a history of women I�ve loved doing things behind my back that hurt me. What was most hurtful of all to me though, was the lying and deception. I�d much rather know, for example, that a woman is having sex with other men than for her to be doing it and keeping it a secret. Consequently, it feels more comfortable to me to have a woman tell me that she will (or might) be involved with other men than for her to tell me that she won�t be. At least then I feel more confident that I can believe her. I guess I have trust issues with women, huh? I�d rather she do anything openly and in full view than hide it from me.
4. More broadly than that, I don�t like the unknown. If I love someone, I like to see the grocery store she goes to, for example. That broadly. This isn�t so much a matter of trust as it is a matter of feeling like I really know her and really share her life. When my first girlfriend (Pat) went to Japan with her family for the summer after my senior year in high school, I asked volumes of questions, wanted to read detailed descriptions of her experiences, loved the photos she sent back, and even did research to learn about Japan and learned a little Japanese. Still, I never felt like I really knew that part of her. Today, while I�ve been writing this, I watched some program on TV that I had no interest in just because it was set in Hawaii. No matter how many photos Antoinette might send me (and she takes a lot of them) or how she might describe her life and friends, there�s no way I'll ever feel connected to all that as long as I don�t experience them in person.
5. She doesn�t want me to come over there to visit. I know she has what seem to her to be good reasons for that, and it sets off alarms in me anyway. I'm seeing that my wounds from being deceived are still more unhealed than I wish they were.
6. It also sets off alarms about not really being cared about. If it were me, I�d want her here as often as possible. There�s another one that�s more unhealed than I wish it were. It takes a lot for me to really get that a woman loves me.
7. I fear that if she doesn�t continue dating other men, she�ll never really be sure that she wants to be with me. I don�t want a primary relationship with her if I'm not the man she�d most like to be involved with. How can she really know that someone else she�ll be crazy about won�t come along while we�re separated? Of course, how is this not a never-ending thing? In the past women who thought they wanted to be with me decided much later that they�d really rather be with someone else, so maybe this never does end. In this case, though, is it really reasonable for her to decide after 11 days that I'm the man for her?
8. I keep thinking that 6 months is a long time for her to go without dating, affection, and sex while we�re separated. Is it fair for me to want her to deprive herself of those? It seems very unloving of me to want that. If I love her, why would I not want her to have a full life while we�re separated? This is a confusing one for me. Thus, I told her that I want her to do whatever she wants most to do, which seems like the most loving option possible. She didn�t like that, though. It feels like a very different thing if she has the freedom to date and then chooses not to than if I say I don�t want her to and so she doesn�t. The former seems like her free choice; the latter seems like me controlling her. And I hate controlling behavior. This may partly be semantics. (Those of you who think I analyze too much may want to skip the rest of this paragraph. What you call analyzing, I call attempting to clearly communicate, by the way.) I perceive a continuum from control to no control: demands � wants � hard requests (will you?) � soft requests (I�d like it if you�d �) � preferences. So, in other words, for me to say that I want something is close to making a demand. In that sense, I don�t want anything from Antoinette, though I have a lot of preferences. If she does some of those things, I want it to be her free choice, not satisfying what I want. (And I acknowledge that I don�t always use the word �want� consistently with this.) If we belong together, then she�ll freely choose to do what works for me for her own reasons, not because I said I wanted it. That�s what I really want. I want her to do what she wants most to do � and I hope that it will be a choice that works for me, too (I�d prefer that).
9. OK, here�s one I do want feedback about: What is a date? How does it differ from spending time with a friend? I have my definitions, but do they agree with hers? (Rhetorical question again � and from here on.) We haven�t talked about that � yet. What if my idea of a date and hers are very different?
10. Both my fear of abandonment and my fear of being �trapped� are up.
11. I fear that nothing I ever do will satisfy her (or any woman). This is an old one for me � starting with my mother.
12. What if I'm making a mistake? This comes up about nearly everything in my life.
Please remember that I'm talking about issues in my consciousness about relationships, not about truth or about Antoinette. It�s all up for healing.
Some of this would have arisen no matter what relationship I started. Some of it wouldn�t have, though, if we weren�t going to be separated for a while. And what would have come up anyway wouldn�t have been as strong as it is without us being separated. So, it�s all perfect for my healing. Is it any surprise that I haven�t found a partner before now?
I breathe deeply, and I take one step after another. The next step in Inner Bonding is for me to explore more deeply my fears, false beliefs, memories, and resulting behavior that�s causing me pain. Then I ask for spiritual guidance about what is spiritual truth and what loving actions would be. I'll let you know what comes of it.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CCLSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity-Online
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://groups.msn.com/HeartCenteredMan
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.
I�ll tell you more about my relationship with Antoinette in another message. (Yes, I know, you�re saying, �Antoinette? Who�s Antoinette?�) For now, though, I�ll tell you just enough to make sense of what I want to say about relationship issues that are arising in me.
Very briefly, I met Antoinette in person � after having known her via e-mail since September � on Monday, 5/19. Paraphrasing her slightly, we seem to have done 11 months of relationship in 11 days. From that Monday until I left her at the airport this past Thursday morning (5/29), I was with her most of my non-work time and saw her all but one of those days. Not only did we spend a lot of time together, but we also faced some pretty stressful situations together. I thoroughly enjoyed being with her, and I began falling in love with her. Now she�s gone back to Maui, where she lives. She plans to move to Santa Fe about December 1st (that�s independent of our relationship; she was visiting to see if she wanted to move here), and that�s 6 months away (in case you can�t figure that out by yourself). It�s likely we won�t see each other again until then. A couple of evenings before she left, we had a �what will we do for the next 6 months while we�re apart?� conversation. That set off a (what shall I call it?) mild fight, though a pretty emotionally distressing one. We pretty much resolved it by both affirming that we want to focus on seeing how this relationship will develop.
It turned out to take more than I expected to give the context.
Actually, there�s one more necessary piece of context. From the beginning we both said we don�t like long-distance relationships. She wrote in her 2nd e-mail to me last September, �I did not write to you with the intention of starting a romantic relationship with you because I already know from past experience that long-distance love relationships do not work out for me. I put a lot of time, effort, and caring into my relationships and really need to live near my partner. Communicating by email, telephone, and letters, exclusively, just doesn't do it for me.� I was in total agreement with that. When we met in person on the 19th, it was still with the intention of just being friends (mostly for me, anyway; I acknowledge some hope that there might be more, but little expectation that there would be). By Thursday the 22nd, that had changed. (More about that in the other letter I'll write.)
And now here we are, 2 people who don�t like long-distance relationships, in a long-distance relationship. Apparently there was something within me that knew I had important things to realize, heal, and/or grow from by having one. And so it is. Thank You, God, for this wonderful, though not particularly thrilling, opportunity.
By the way, for anyone else who, like me, is concerned about confidentiality: I�ve asked Antoinette and gotten permission to write about her.
Before I write about the issues that are already arising, I want to clarify that I'm not looking for advice. I know a lot about what to do with the issues that come up. Right now I'm just exploring and reporting what I'm realizing. Perhaps some of you will identify and/or find some kind of value from reading this. Otherwise, it�s just a way for you to know me more deeply. If I want suggestions, I'll let you know.
Also I want to make it clear that I'm not talking about Antoinette (or anyone else). I'm talking about my own consciousness. If, for example, I don�t trust her, that isn�t about her; it�s about my own inability to trust. She isn�t doing anything �wrong,� and she doesn�t need to change anything. For those of you who don�t already know, I'm essentially doing the first 2 steps of Margie Paul�s Inner Bonding process (1. being willing to feel my pain and fear and be responsible for them and my security and 2. choosing the intent to learn about loving myself and others). If you don�t know the process, I recommend it to you highly.
Finally, then, here are the issues that are appearing:
1. Knowing how much we both dislike long-distance romantic relationships, I wonder what I'm doing trying to have one with her. Am I setting myself up for failure? Am I setting myself up to be hurt? Am I setting myself up to hurt her somehow? Or, alternatively, as I said above, am I creating an opportunity to come to peace with something I�ve been in resistance about? (These and all other questions in this letter are rhetorical questions, not ones requesting answers.)
2. I need a lot of attention, affection, and physical contact to feel connected and loved. I prefer to see a woman I love every day; if not, I at least want to talk with her every day. I need to touch a lot, and if we�ve been separated, even just for a few hours, I need to reconnect through touch. If I can�t touch someone, it feels to me like a fantasy relationship. Even my friends would tell you that � if they�ve noticed. If I feel close, or want to, I touch when I see people � even if just a quick touch on the shoulder as they walk past me. In love relationships, �extreme touch� (cuddling, spooning, and/or sex) is important to me frequently. That�s part of why sleeping together (as distinguished from sex) is so important to me, too. When I'm arguing with someone I love, I prefer to stay in physical contact. That says to me that we still care and will get through it even though we�re upset right now. When we break off physical contact, my distress level goes up tremendously, and I never feel resolved with an argument until we reconnect physically � at least with a hug. How can I stay connected when I can�t possibly get enough attention or affection and when we can�t touch at all? I know this isn�t true for everyone. It does seem to also be true for Antoinette. (That was one thing that endeared her to me.) So, how can she stay connected with me under these circumstances? In other words, how can I help but lose her?
3. I have a history of women I�ve loved doing things behind my back that hurt me. What was most hurtful of all to me though, was the lying and deception. I�d much rather know, for example, that a woman is having sex with other men than for her to be doing it and keeping it a secret. Consequently, it feels more comfortable to me to have a woman tell me that she will (or might) be involved with other men than for her to tell me that she won�t be. At least then I feel more confident that I can believe her. I guess I have trust issues with women, huh? I�d rather she do anything openly and in full view than hide it from me.
4. More broadly than that, I don�t like the unknown. If I love someone, I like to see the grocery store she goes to, for example. That broadly. This isn�t so much a matter of trust as it is a matter of feeling like I really know her and really share her life. When my first girlfriend (Pat) went to Japan with her family for the summer after my senior year in high school, I asked volumes of questions, wanted to read detailed descriptions of her experiences, loved the photos she sent back, and even did research to learn about Japan and learned a little Japanese. Still, I never felt like I really knew that part of her. Today, while I�ve been writing this, I watched some program on TV that I had no interest in just because it was set in Hawaii. No matter how many photos Antoinette might send me (and she takes a lot of them) or how she might describe her life and friends, there�s no way I'll ever feel connected to all that as long as I don�t experience them in person.
5. She doesn�t want me to come over there to visit. I know she has what seem to her to be good reasons for that, and it sets off alarms in me anyway. I'm seeing that my wounds from being deceived are still more unhealed than I wish they were.
6. It also sets off alarms about not really being cared about. If it were me, I�d want her here as often as possible. There�s another one that�s more unhealed than I wish it were. It takes a lot for me to really get that a woman loves me.
7. I fear that if she doesn�t continue dating other men, she�ll never really be sure that she wants to be with me. I don�t want a primary relationship with her if I'm not the man she�d most like to be involved with. How can she really know that someone else she�ll be crazy about won�t come along while we�re separated? Of course, how is this not a never-ending thing? In the past women who thought they wanted to be with me decided much later that they�d really rather be with someone else, so maybe this never does end. In this case, though, is it really reasonable for her to decide after 11 days that I'm the man for her?
8. I keep thinking that 6 months is a long time for her to go without dating, affection, and sex while we�re separated. Is it fair for me to want her to deprive herself of those? It seems very unloving of me to want that. If I love her, why would I not want her to have a full life while we�re separated? This is a confusing one for me. Thus, I told her that I want her to do whatever she wants most to do, which seems like the most loving option possible. She didn�t like that, though. It feels like a very different thing if she has the freedom to date and then chooses not to than if I say I don�t want her to and so she doesn�t. The former seems like her free choice; the latter seems like me controlling her. And I hate controlling behavior. This may partly be semantics. (Those of you who think I analyze too much may want to skip the rest of this paragraph. What you call analyzing, I call attempting to clearly communicate, by the way.) I perceive a continuum from control to no control: demands � wants � hard requests (will you?) � soft requests (I�d like it if you�d �) � preferences. So, in other words, for me to say that I want something is close to making a demand. In that sense, I don�t want anything from Antoinette, though I have a lot of preferences. If she does some of those things, I want it to be her free choice, not satisfying what I want. (And I acknowledge that I don�t always use the word �want� consistently with this.) If we belong together, then she�ll freely choose to do what works for me for her own reasons, not because I said I wanted it. That�s what I really want. I want her to do what she wants most to do � and I hope that it will be a choice that works for me, too (I�d prefer that).
9. OK, here�s one I do want feedback about: What is a date? How does it differ from spending time with a friend? I have my definitions, but do they agree with hers? (Rhetorical question again � and from here on.) We haven�t talked about that � yet. What if my idea of a date and hers are very different?
10. Both my fear of abandonment and my fear of being �trapped� are up.
11. I fear that nothing I ever do will satisfy her (or any woman). This is an old one for me � starting with my mother.
12. What if I'm making a mistake? This comes up about nearly everything in my life.
Please remember that I'm talking about issues in my consciousness about relationships, not about truth or about Antoinette. It�s all up for healing.
Some of this would have arisen no matter what relationship I started. Some of it wouldn�t have, though, if we weren�t going to be separated for a while. And what would have come up anyway wouldn�t have been as strong as it is without us being separated. So, it�s all perfect for my healing. Is it any surprise that I haven�t found a partner before now?
I breathe deeply, and I take one step after another. The next step in Inner Bonding is for me to explore more deeply my fears, false beliefs, memories, and resulting behavior that�s causing me pain. Then I ask for spiritual guidance about what is spiritual truth and what loving actions would be. I'll let you know what comes of it.
Peace~Shalom~Salaam,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
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