OK, I�ve kept you waiting a very long time for the remainder of the story of my progress along the spiritual path that my relationship with Cassandra put me on. I know you�re probably feeling like a little kid waiting for the rest of the bedtime story. What? You aren�t? Oh. Well, I'll continue anyway.
Reminding you of where I left things: I chose to stay away from Cassandra for the most part between Saturday, 3/22 and Saturday, 4/12. As I stayed away from her, I did inner work to let go, and I began to feel more and more unattached to her as my potential romantic partner, yet no less committed to being her friend.
Then on Thursday, 4/10, I was given a sign that I was really letting go. On that day 2 women walked into work in need of assistance. What caught my attention was that even though both of them were too young for me, I did feel attracted to them in a way I hadn't felt attracted to anyone in a while. That told me that I was beginning to be ready to move on to another relationship. I wasn�t there yet (they were too young for me), but it was a good sign anyway.
From Sunday, 4/13, on I resumed contact with Cassandra, but it was becoming different. I wasn�t feeling much, if any, longing for it to be anything other than what it was � a close friendship. We went back to quite a bit of contact, largely, but not entirely, because we were involved in the same activities. I was enjoying her as a friend and was comfortable seeing her with Dave and hearing her talk about her relationship with him.
A major shift came one day when I realized that there were some things about Cassandra that would make it very difficult for me to be in a romantic relationship with her. I was beginning to lose my desire for a romantic relationship with her.
The final shift came when I met Antoinette and received from her some of what I really want in my primary relationship. I realized that I had totally let go of wanting that with Cassandra.
Since then Cassandra and I have continued to be very close friends. I hope that will always be true. She�s said several times that we�ve been through a lot together in a little over a year and that she appreciates where we�ve gotten to. So do I. I'm unattached enough that I could travel with her, live with her as housemates, or anything else and be perfectly happy being nothing more than her friend. I'm very comfortable supporting her through the end of her relationship with Dave and in her quest for the man who�s right for her.
And some of you thought it would never happen, didn�t you? This isn�t the first time I�ve been madly in love with someone and have let go of that and have remained her friend � sometimes her very close friend � because that was more spiritually right for us. I know from repeated experience that it can be done as long as we maintain our commitment to having the highest possible relationship that works for both of us with someone we love rather than a commitment to what our ego wants at the time. If that�s being friends rather than lovers, that�s a gift, too.
I'm at peace, and I'm happy.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Monday, August 25, 2003
8/25/03
Have you been wondering what happened to me? I�ve been spending most of my available time for writing corresponding with Antoinette. Trying to work out a romantic relationship with her in Maui and me here in Santa Fe has taken lots of time, energy, and effort.
�Antoinette?� you ask. Yes, you�re right. Last time you heard from me a bit over a month ago, she had broken up with me again. Well, we worked it out and got back together. We�ve learned something important. When we�re in conflict, trying to work it out via e-mail just gets us deeper into it. When we talk about it on the phone, though, we tend to get things resolved pretty quickly.
So, the whole summer has been an incredible roller-coaster ride with her from afar. Now we're only a bit over 4 weeks from being together again. September 24 is her projected arrival date in Santa Fe. She leaves Maui September 4 to go to visit her mother in Michigan for a few weeks. The date she�ll actually leave there for Santa Fe depends on when her brother returns from his vacation, and apparently he isn�t much of a planner.
Just over a week ago we finally discovered a source of a lot of conflict. Antoinette and I have been defining commitment differently when we talked about being in a committed relationship. When I use the term, I mean something very similar to being married � commitment to being together and doing all we can to learn, grow, and awaken together and to create magnificence in our relationship, staying together unless something really serious happens or we�ve spent quite a while in counseling trying to work things out. What she meant is that we�re dating exclusively and seeing if we want to be together for the long run. I call that an agreement, not a committed relationship. So, now we understand each other a lot better. She kept saying she was committed, and then she didn�t act consistently with how I defined a committed relationship. So I ended up very confused, and she ended up feeling pressured to do something she didn�t feel ready to do. Now that I understand what she meant, I�ve backed off to match her level of commitment to the relationship. (I believe that the less committed person is always in charge of the intimacy and involvement in a relationship.) She�s still checking me out to see if she wants a long-term relationship. So, that�s where we�re at together. Perhaps we�ll be together in the future, and perhaps we won�t. Maybe she�ll meet someone she wants to be with more than me. We shall see.
And, despite all that, I continue to imagine us being together in the future. My guidance continues to be that she�s the one for me, no matter what. Again, we shall see. So, I guess I'm really feeling more committed than I'm supposed to be. I guess I'm supposed to just be deciding if I want to be with her or not and maybe open to finding someone else I like more, like she is with me.
I wonder how much her definition of commitment contributed to her jealousy about me with other women. If we aren�t committed (as I define it), then I might find someone I want to be with more than Antoinette and decide to get involved with her instead of with Antoinette. Therefore, women I spend time with are a threat to her if she wants me. By my definition of commitment, there is no threat because I'm committed and it�s already decided. Nothing could happen with anyone else that would change that unless I stopped being committed. But if I'm only checking out if I want to be committed to Antoinette, then I might decide I want to be with another woman instead of her. That makes sense to me. I wonder if it will to her.
So, we shall see if Antoinette continues to want me or if she�ll meet someone else she likes more than me. In the meantime, I get to learn to live with uncertainty and insecurity. For now she�s acting like she wants to be with me, and I know that could change at any moment.
Asi es la vida.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Have you been wondering what happened to me? I�ve been spending most of my available time for writing corresponding with Antoinette. Trying to work out a romantic relationship with her in Maui and me here in Santa Fe has taken lots of time, energy, and effort.
�Antoinette?� you ask. Yes, you�re right. Last time you heard from me a bit over a month ago, she had broken up with me again. Well, we worked it out and got back together. We�ve learned something important. When we�re in conflict, trying to work it out via e-mail just gets us deeper into it. When we talk about it on the phone, though, we tend to get things resolved pretty quickly.
So, the whole summer has been an incredible roller-coaster ride with her from afar. Now we're only a bit over 4 weeks from being together again. September 24 is her projected arrival date in Santa Fe. She leaves Maui September 4 to go to visit her mother in Michigan for a few weeks. The date she�ll actually leave there for Santa Fe depends on when her brother returns from his vacation, and apparently he isn�t much of a planner.
Just over a week ago we finally discovered a source of a lot of conflict. Antoinette and I have been defining commitment differently when we talked about being in a committed relationship. When I use the term, I mean something very similar to being married � commitment to being together and doing all we can to learn, grow, and awaken together and to create magnificence in our relationship, staying together unless something really serious happens or we�ve spent quite a while in counseling trying to work things out. What she meant is that we�re dating exclusively and seeing if we want to be together for the long run. I call that an agreement, not a committed relationship. So, now we understand each other a lot better. She kept saying she was committed, and then she didn�t act consistently with how I defined a committed relationship. So I ended up very confused, and she ended up feeling pressured to do something she didn�t feel ready to do. Now that I understand what she meant, I�ve backed off to match her level of commitment to the relationship. (I believe that the less committed person is always in charge of the intimacy and involvement in a relationship.) She�s still checking me out to see if she wants a long-term relationship. So, that�s where we�re at together. Perhaps we�ll be together in the future, and perhaps we won�t. Maybe she�ll meet someone she wants to be with more than me. We shall see.
And, despite all that, I continue to imagine us being together in the future. My guidance continues to be that she�s the one for me, no matter what. Again, we shall see. So, I guess I'm really feeling more committed than I'm supposed to be. I guess I'm supposed to just be deciding if I want to be with her or not and maybe open to finding someone else I like more, like she is with me.
I wonder how much her definition of commitment contributed to her jealousy about me with other women. If we aren�t committed (as I define it), then I might find someone I want to be with more than Antoinette and decide to get involved with her instead of with Antoinette. Therefore, women I spend time with are a threat to her if she wants me. By my definition of commitment, there is no threat because I'm committed and it�s already decided. Nothing could happen with anyone else that would change that unless I stopped being committed. But if I'm only checking out if I want to be committed to Antoinette, then I might decide I want to be with another woman instead of her. That makes sense to me. I wonder if it will to her.
So, we shall see if Antoinette continues to want me or if she�ll meet someone else she likes more than me. In the meantime, I get to learn to live with uncertainty and insecurity. For now she�s acting like she wants to be with me, and I know that could change at any moment.
Asi es la vida.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
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