9/13/03
This is interesting� I'm waiting for time to call Antoinette, and I'm going through the arising of some inner garbage. If things have gone as planned, she�s out with a male friend she�s known for quite a while (15 years or more). They�re going shopping, to dinner, and then to a movie. That�s nothing that I haven�t done with women friends, and I don�t have any objections to her doing that with a friend. But my insecurities are surfacing as I think about it.
I don�t feel extremely anxious, and I do feel a bit of anxiety. But I keep having fantasies about her doing romantic things with him, deciding she�d rather be with him than with me, and ending up spending the night with him (which I know she wouldn�t do because of being at her mother�s apartment).
I wonder if I�d be going through all of this if she were committed to our relationship (by my definition of it). As long as she isn�t certain she wants to be with me for the long run, I know there�s a chance she�ll find someone else she�d rather be with and break up with me to be with him. Of course, my self-doubts keep reminding me of that. With every man I ask myself, �Could this be the one?� I'm looking to her to create my inner security by committing. That doesn�t work. My inner security can only come from within.
And, yes, I think I�d still be going through all of this even if she were committed. The part of me that doubts myself wouldn�t believe that she really was.
Anyway, that�s my work to do. It isn�t her job to fix it by changing her behavior, thoughts, or feelings. I have to find security no matter what she does. Maybe then I wouldn�t waste my time while she�s spending time with a friend imagining that it�s something that it isn�t.
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
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http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
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http://ohanamd.diary-x.com
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
Saturday, September 13, 2003
Sunday, September 07, 2003
Sunday report
9/4/03
As I write this, Antoinette is about half an hour from taking off to fly from Maui to Houston and then on to Detroit. She�ll be there a bit less than 3 weeks, and then she�ll come to Santa Fe. I'm feeling pretty excited.
9/7/03
Today is my sister�s birthday, just for the record. You are keeping record, aren�t you?
I meant to write more on Thursday and didn�t get it done. I don�t remember why now. I'm guessing that I probably started to fall asleep.
Anyway, Antoinette is in Hamtramck with her mother now. (Yes, that�s spelled correctly, even though it�s pronounced with 3 syllables.) She�ll be here in approximately 17 days. I�ve been talking with her every day. So far she�s mostly been getting over jet lag from her 15 hours of traveling and 6 hours change in time from Hawaii time to Eastern time. It�s a huge shift in our relationship for her to be 2 hours ahead of me instead of 4 hours behind.
There�ve been lots of other highlights in my life the past 6 days, too. I guess that qualifies me as having an eventful life.
I'm recovering physically, and I'm doing some of the healing work I need to do � but not all. It�s bringing up some inner conflict in me. One voice in me says that I can rely on my faith in mental, spiritual, and complementary healing Another voice says the allopaths are right, that I need medication, biopsies, and surgery. The first voice knows that appearances aren�t Reality and that allopathic beliefs are limitations in consciousness that most people have agreed to give energy to. The second voice thinks that�s all fantasy, that the body is really in control of my life. The first voice inspires inner peace, hope, and confidence. The second voice depresses me. Consequently, I�ve been slipping into a bit of feeling depressed now and then.
Wednesday evening in Brendalyn�s class (�Life Is a Prayer�) that inner conflict rose directly into awareness. It�s a class about prayer, about faith, about living a spiritually grounded life. And what came up was the consciousness legacy of my youth and Middle American consciousness that says, �What you see is what you get.� In my family of origin, the norm was to be depressed and to think negatively. All positive thinking was considered �wishful thinking.� And here I am, having rebelled against my family, having adopted a spiritual life, a life of hope, a life of faith, a positive consciousness. Yet, the legacy of my past and the ever-present race consciousness of Middle America fight my chosen path inside for primacy. It doesn�t come easy to maintain my faith. It is an act of never-ending vigilance and choosing once again, as A Course in Miracles calls it. I choose faith. I choose an alternative consciousness. I choose to divorce myself from my family�s legacy and from the consciousness of Middle America. And I choose all that no matter what. Despite the inner conflict, I choose to live and, if necessary, to die by faith, positive thinking, and love. Love, I haven�t mentioned that. Love. The legacy was about fear. Middle American consciousness is about fear. I choose another way. I will die for that choice, so I�ve found something to live for.
Brendalyn�s class was great � 19 people who were all involved and eager to advance in their life of prayer. If you live here in Santa Fe, I recommend attending this coming Wednesday. We laughed a lot, too.
At the risk of I don�t know what, I'll pass along a joke that was told in the class. Do you know what�s the worst thing about being an atheist? . . . . . . . . . . . . No one to talk to during orgasm.
With that, I'll stop for this time � even though I'm not caught up to present. Tomorrow I'll write about Thursday and after.
And you? What�s going on with you?
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
As I write this, Antoinette is about half an hour from taking off to fly from Maui to Houston and then on to Detroit. She�ll be there a bit less than 3 weeks, and then she�ll come to Santa Fe. I'm feeling pretty excited.
9/7/03
Today is my sister�s birthday, just for the record. You are keeping record, aren�t you?
I meant to write more on Thursday and didn�t get it done. I don�t remember why now. I'm guessing that I probably started to fall asleep.
Anyway, Antoinette is in Hamtramck with her mother now. (Yes, that�s spelled correctly, even though it�s pronounced with 3 syllables.) She�ll be here in approximately 17 days. I�ve been talking with her every day. So far she�s mostly been getting over jet lag from her 15 hours of traveling and 6 hours change in time from Hawaii time to Eastern time. It�s a huge shift in our relationship for her to be 2 hours ahead of me instead of 4 hours behind.
There�ve been lots of other highlights in my life the past 6 days, too. I guess that qualifies me as having an eventful life.
I'm recovering physically, and I'm doing some of the healing work I need to do � but not all. It�s bringing up some inner conflict in me. One voice in me says that I can rely on my faith in mental, spiritual, and complementary healing Another voice says the allopaths are right, that I need medication, biopsies, and surgery. The first voice knows that appearances aren�t Reality and that allopathic beliefs are limitations in consciousness that most people have agreed to give energy to. The second voice thinks that�s all fantasy, that the body is really in control of my life. The first voice inspires inner peace, hope, and confidence. The second voice depresses me. Consequently, I�ve been slipping into a bit of feeling depressed now and then.
Wednesday evening in Brendalyn�s class (�Life Is a Prayer�) that inner conflict rose directly into awareness. It�s a class about prayer, about faith, about living a spiritually grounded life. And what came up was the consciousness legacy of my youth and Middle American consciousness that says, �What you see is what you get.� In my family of origin, the norm was to be depressed and to think negatively. All positive thinking was considered �wishful thinking.� And here I am, having rebelled against my family, having adopted a spiritual life, a life of hope, a life of faith, a positive consciousness. Yet, the legacy of my past and the ever-present race consciousness of Middle America fight my chosen path inside for primacy. It doesn�t come easy to maintain my faith. It is an act of never-ending vigilance and choosing once again, as A Course in Miracles calls it. I choose faith. I choose an alternative consciousness. I choose to divorce myself from my family�s legacy and from the consciousness of Middle America. And I choose all that no matter what. Despite the inner conflict, I choose to live and, if necessary, to die by faith, positive thinking, and love. Love, I haven�t mentioned that. Love. The legacy was about fear. Middle American consciousness is about fear. I choose another way. I will die for that choice, so I�ve found something to live for.
Brendalyn�s class was great � 19 people who were all involved and eager to advance in their life of prayer. If you live here in Santa Fe, I recommend attending this coming Wednesday. We laughed a lot, too.
At the risk of I don�t know what, I'll pass along a joke that was told in the class. Do you know what�s the worst thing about being an atheist? . . . . . . . . . . . . No one to talk to during orgasm.
With that, I'll stop for this time � even though I'm not caught up to present. Tomorrow I'll write about Thursday and after.
And you? What�s going on with you?
Warmly,
Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net
Read my journal-letters at any of the following web sites:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ohanamd
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife
http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
http://ohanamd.deardiary.net
If you�d like to receive my journal-letters via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You�ll receive the same messages that are posted on the web.
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