Update

Monday, 1/19/04

It�s been 2 months since my last message. At that time I was having computer problems that made it difficult to communicate via e-mail. I'm still having problems, though right now all the keys are working.

Life has been real ups and downs for me during the last 10 weeks or so.

In November and December I went to the ER 6 times in about 5 weeks and was admitted overnight one time. I applied for some assistance for medical treatment and am waiting for that to come through before I see a specialist and do whatever I need to do. I may need to get a biopsy. The good news is that I haven�t had any more symptoms or ER visits since mid-December.

I don�t know how I could have made it through all of that if it weren�t for Antoinette�s love and support. She spent a lot of time in the hospital with me. It was a burden on her, and I so incredibly appreciate her caring and care.

The holidays were mostly wonderful. Having Antoinette in my life to share them made a huge difference. We went to Peg and Tim�s house for Thanksgiving. Christmas Eve we went to Unity and then walked Canyon Road. Christmas Day we went to a buffet dinner at the Eldorado Hotel (one of her gifts to me). New Year�s Eve we went to Unity, to dinner with some friends, and then just hung out together and watched Dick Clark and the ball in Times Square. New Year�s Day she took me on a walk (another of her gifts to me) that included lunch at the Inn of the Loretto and other sights in the Plaza area of Santa Fe.

However � Antoinette and I have been having emotional upsets with each other ever since she arrived in Santa Fe, and we finally broke up a little over a week ago. I have no complaints about her. The only problem from my perspective was my failure to love her unconditionally and to overcome my resistance to what I perceive as expectations or demands (even from myself, even when I know something is in my best interests). I deeply regret that I didn�t do better in our relationship.

Learning to really love (have you read Real Love by Greg Baer?) and to overcome my resistance to what�s in my highest interests (see chapter 4 in Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? by Margaret Paul) are 2 extremely important tasks for me to face. I intend to do what it takes.

I hope that Antoinette will forgive me and that we can get back together so that I can give her the love she deserves. If not, then I'll have to go on without her. That feels like a very sad option.

We shall see what life has in store for all of us.

Warmly,
Michael
Santa Fe, NM
ohanamd@earthlink.net

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