Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Wishing you the most magnificent year of your life!

Today (i.e., every today) is our opportunity to begin again and

to make the coming year whatever we’d like it to be.

Let’s join together and make it a year of peace, love, joy, health, spiritual awakening,

and an abundance of everything that is for our highest benefit.

In the spirit of renewal,

Michael

And now for some boxing

So, how’s Boxing Day going for y’all? Are the gyms crowded?

Does anyone need some boxes? I have more than enough.

Don’t celebrate too frenetically, folks.

Boxing my way out of the funk,
Michael

The Christmas that was

I was concerned about Christmas this year. If you’ve been reading, you know my story. In September I broke up with a woman (Antoinette) who I love but can’t get along with. I hate being alone (without a romantic partner) for Christmas. I have a chronic neurological condition (Trigeminal Neuralgia) in my face that causes me to have nearly constant pain, sometimes severe pain. And, at least partly because of the medication I'm taking, I’ve been moderately depressed the past few weeks (at least). And I'm very low on money and having difficulty getting my motivation up to get out there and look for more work.

So, here came Christmas….

Can you get the feeling for how exciting that WASN’T for me?

Christmas, as I define it, begins about 5 pm on Christmas Eve and ends when we go to bed on Christmas Day.

I had fully intended to go to the Unity Santa Fe Christmas Eve service. Yeah. Fully. But, when the time came, I couldn’t raise the motivation to get myself up, get ready, and go. I thought about it. Then I thought about it some more. And finally, I just went back to working on my computer. Oh, well. I’d go to the Christmas morning service Sunday. No big deal.

Eventually I turned on “It’s a Wonderful Life.” I never miss it on Christmas. I can practically recite the entire script from memory. I tell people that Mary Hatch Bailey (played by Donna Reed) is one of my models for the woman I’d like to be with (once we remove the sexist 1940s aspect of her). Anyway, I watched and worked on my computer and … spent nearly the whole evening wondering what Antoinette was doing and missing being with her. Can you imagine a much merrier Christmas Eve?

I eventually went to bed, hoping at least to have a good night of sleep since I haven’t had one in many weeks. No, no such luck. Between the pain and whatever else it is that wakes me up at 4 or so in the morning nearly every morning, I got maybe 5 hours of sleep. For me that’s about 2 or 3 too few.

So, I finally got up, and making the story a little shorter, I did go to church. That was actually the highlight of my Christmas. I love the Unity Christmas service. It’s pretty much the same every year. Lots of music (the choir and a soloist) and a metaphysical interpretation of the Christmas story. I noticed my depression lifting a little while I was in the service. And I got a prayer from one of the Prayer Chaplains after the service; that helped, too.

On the other hand, I did miss being able to sing (because of my TN). Last year I was in the choir for Christmas. I still knew the words and the arrangements.

Then I got the few small gifts that I had gotten for Antoinette ready … Yes, I got her a few gifts. I only spent about $30. It seemed like what I would do for a friend who is an ex. I told her how grateful I am to her in the card. Then I took them over and left them inside her screen door. I knew she’d be at work; she had told me that last time I saw her.

The rest of the day I watched TV and worked on my computer. After time for A. to get off work, I kept wondering if she’d call me. She didn’t. Along about 7:30 I finally suffered through eating the dinner I had bought at Whole Foods. (It hurts me quite a bit to eat.)

That’s it. My fabulous Christmas, 2005. It wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t good. I wasn’t horribly depressed. I was depressed. I missed A. I hated being alone. The Christmas that was.

May Christmas, 2006 be wonderful, and may I be thoroughly in love with someone who can share the wonder with me.

Namaste,
Michael

If you’d like to receive This Is My Life via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You’ll receive the same messages that are posted here in your inbox.

MSNBC poll: Impeach Bush?

MSNBC is taking a poll about whether we think George Bush should be impeached. So far they’ve received almost 160,000 responses!

I encourage you to submit your vote. It’s very easy and only takes a few seconds. Just click on this link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10562904.

Please tell them what you think, and pass this information along to your friends!

Season's Greetings!

Merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, happy Kwanzaa, and happy Solstice …

Your presence in my life (in whatever way, now or in the past) has made a difference. Thank you.

To receive your card, click on this link (or else copy it and enter it into your browser):
http://www.beliefnetgreetings.com/upcardme.php?step=pickup&id=kt040051fe9f/My friends and family/
Your card will be available for pick-up beginning 12-21-2005 for the next 30 days. Please be sure to view your eCard before the 30 days are up!

To read my review of the events in my life during 2005, click on this link (or else copy it and enter it into your browser):
http://myyearreview.blogspot.com
This will be available permanently.

To see the most amazing display of holiday lights I’ve ever seen, click on this link (or else copy it and enter it into your browser):
http://media.engadget.com/videos/lights.wmv
I don’t know how long this will be available.

In the spirit of the season,
Michael Dickerson Deluno

More than I thought

“I'm concerned about you,” they said. “You sound depressed,” they said.

“No, no,” I said, “I'm not depressed really. I'm only writing about what happens with some people who take Neurontin. I'm fine.”

Well, maybe I’ve been more depressed than I thought then. I'm still not terribly depressed, but ….

I have a lot of “good” reasons to be depressed. Chronic pain that’s sometimes intense. Recent break-up with a woman I love but just can’t get along with. Stress with early teen-aged students. Frustration with work and with pain interfering with doing my work. Money stress. Not to mention taking a medication that has a frequent side effect of causing depression.

And, of course, having a history of dysthymia (chronic minor depression) punctuated occasionally with major depressive episodes (nearly always at the end of relationships).

Most people who have trigeminal neuralgia like I do are given an antidepressant in addition to the other medications. That’s partly because Neurontin sometimes causes depression, partly because chronic pain causes depression, and partly because, for some reason, antidepressants help relieve the pain of TN.

However, I wasn’t given an antidepressant. I wasn’t even offered the option. Maybe my doctor didn’t know that it’s the usual thing to do.

There’s a relatively new antidepressant that’s being used routinely in TN cases. I’ve been out of the counseling field long enough that I hadn't even heard of it. It’s called Cymbalta, and it apparently doesn’t have most of the side effects of other antidepressants. It sounds like it’s worth a try.

And now I notice myself being more depressed than I thought I was. I’d say I'm moderately depressed.

How do I know? Well, I have a few symptoms:
1. Insomnia
2. Lack of motivation to do what I need to do
3. Staying cooped up in my apartment and not even getting dressed some days
4. Repetitively thinking about what I miss with Antoinette (my ex, for those of you who don’t know)
5. Low mood
6. Some suicidal thoughts – though nothing serious
7. Thinking about going someplace wonderful where everything will be better (though the place changes frequently … Australia is one of my favorites, however)
8. Wanting to find a woman who will make everything better (sometimes just someone to date; sometimes my soulmate)

I'm a bit compulsive and am having trouble stopping because I don’t think I’ve thought of all of them. I have to be complete.

And, on top of everything else, Christmas is coming, and I'm alone, and I hate being alone for Christmas. By alone, I mean without a romantic partner, not without people around me. In fact, I prefer to be away from the stress of being around most people. (Can you tell that I'm an introvert?) I just want someONE to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with.

Synchronicity … A commercial just came on TV about depression.

I need to talk with the doc about this. And I need to research Cymbalta.

Of course, I can’t let you know all of this. I can’t post this. I can’t send it to friends. It seems horribly shameful for me to be depressed. I imagine it will undermine anyone’s respect or caring for me. I imagine it will certainly undermine anyone’s respect for me professionally.

And, if I do let people see this, I imagine all I'll get is replies from people who have no understanding of depression at all. “Just think positively.” “Go help someone else.” “What are you doing to create this?” “It’ll be OK.” “You don’t seem depressed to me.” “Your thinking is causing your depression.” And, of course, there’s the one that I heard from my father repeatedly during my childhood, “Just laugh and be happy.” I know people want to help. But these kinds of reply don’t do that.

What kinds of things do help? Here are some examples:
1. I care.
2. What can I do to help?
3. I'm here for you.
4. I’ve been there. I’ve been depressed, too. I know how difficult it is.
5. It sounds like you’re feeling __. Is that right?
6. What are you doing to take care of yourself? (compassionately, not judgmentally)

I'm sure there are more.

So, I guess I'll post this. I keep reminding myself that some of the most famous and highly regarded people in the world had problems with depression. I just read an article about how Abraham Lincoln was depressed through most of his life, including while he was President. They tried to make the case that it actually helped him in his Presidency.

So, there you have it. Maybe I'm somehow more effective in life because I’ve experienced being depressed. Maybe … maybe it will even allow me to make a difference to someone else. And maybe I'll never know.

Michael

Blog of the week

I'm pleased to announce that the people at Care2 Connect voted my blog entry “R.I.P. Josh” the Blog of the Week Award.

Michael

Nothing I can do

In a few short hours a man will be murdered, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

This man has devoted the past 25 years to helping troubled kids, writing books for them and counseling them by phone, working to turn them away from gangs. Some say that he has saved the lives of 150,000 of them. For this he has been nominated 5 times for the Nobel Peace Prize and 4 times for the Nobel Prize in Literature.

This is a man who has made a difference.

But I know that he will be murdered, and I can do nothing about it.

You see, California state courts have assented to his murder. The Supreme Court has assented to his murder. Governor Schwarzenegger has assented to his murder. And there is no one left with the power to save him.

His crusade to turn kids away from gangs will end as he takes his last breath, the victim of a needle in his arm, the victim of a misguided conviction that murder prevents murder, the victim of a lust for vengeance.

This man, this human being, this person who has done such wonderful work to make up for the horrible things he once did will soon be murdered. And none of us can do anything about it.

Farewell to Stanley “Tookie” Williams. Farewell to his work. Farewell to saving all those kids. A murderer has you in his sights.

I wish I could do something about it.

I wish someone could do something about it.

Michael

Farewell, Eugene

Farewell to Eugene McCarthy, “Clean Gene,” from one of McCarthy’s Kids in 1968.

You made a difference.

Ideal relationship quiz

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

Well, there you have it.

Michael

In memory

In memory of

John Lennon


October 9, 1940 - December 8, 1980


“All we are saying is give peace a chance.”

“I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?”

"It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love, or how you love. It matters only that you love."

“Imagine …”

What temperament am I?

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

This one pretty much got it right.

Michael

Neurontin and suicide

Finding information about Neurontin and suicide was pretty easy when I Googled it. Here’s what I found:

There’s recent research that shows a link between Neurontin and suicide and suicide attempts. The FDA is considering requiring a warning about the link.

Of course, as I’ve said before, there’s no way of knowing that TN sufferers wouldn’t have committed suicide anyway because of not being able to get away from the pain.

Apparently Lyrica doesn’t have this link with suicide (at least so far). There’s another good reason for me to consider it.

And, since I haven’t experienced depression as a result of the Neurontin, there’s no real reason for me to worry about suicidal ideation. I remind myself of my mother worrying about things like this.

Michael

Tell Me Why

Don’t miss this! The song is great, and the young man who's singing is, too.

http://media.putfile.com/Declan-full (Click on the title "Tell Me Why" for a live link.)

Michael

Neurontin and depression

I’ve been thinking about how depression is a common side effect of taking Neurontin, and I’ve been wondering why it hasn’t affected me that way, given my history of experiencing depression. Then I felt some depression looking at Josh’s profile and wondered if the Neurontin was finally getting me, but it didn’t last too long.

Today I was watching TV, and an ad (or public service announcement) came on telling about a class action lawsuit. They asked anyone who knows someone who committed suicide or attempted suicide while taking Neurontin to contact some law firm.

So, apparently the problem goes beyond depression. Apparently some people – enough for there to be a class action lawsuit - who take Neurontin commit suicide. I wonder why no one told me that. Does any of you know anything about this?

Of course, the nearly constant pain is enough to drive someone to suicide, too, if they’re inclined to that. That’s why TN is called the “suicide disease.”

Now I'm even more motivated to find a way to get off Neurontin and to take Lyrica instead. I think I should bring this up in my TN discussion group. Maybe some of them know about Neurontin, depression, and suicide. And I probably should Google it.

Michael

R.I.P. Josh

A couple of days ago I learned of a suicide. A 17-year-old young man named Josh killed himself somewhere in California. What made this suicide unusual and therefore remarkable to me was that Josh was a member of My Space online, and he posted a bulletin (general notice to all friends) in My Space asking someone to call the police and directing them to where they would find his body.

I looked at Josh’s profile on My Space. I was struck with 3 things:

1. I was amazed at how many people had written insensitive (at the least) and even downright cruel messages about Josh. To the best of my reading ability, it appeared that all of these were people who didn’t even know Josh. Mostly they just thought he deserved the abuse because he had killed himself. I feel stunned and horrified and deeply saddened about this. I don’t understand this kind of hatefulness.

2. On the other hand, there were many messages from kids who knew Josh and loved him. (Look for yourself. They're on the right side of the page as you scroll down.) The theory goes that people who kill themselves feel alienated and unloved. How could that be with all these people saying how much Josh meant to them? It doesn’t sound like they neglected to tell him while he was alive. What happened? I wish I had that many people telling me they love me and that I’ve made a difference in their lives.

3. As I read Josh’s profile and all the comments, I found myself sinking into depression. Was it finally the Neurontin causing depression? I don’t think so. I think it was about empathizing with Josh, about the cruelty I saw, and about imagining people wouldn’t write the kind of loving, grateful things to me that they wrote to Josh.

And there’s the key. Josh apparently didn’t experience the love and appreciation that was there for him, just as I sometimes don’t think anyone cares about me. I don’t have any idea why that was for him. Research tells us that most teens who commit suicide are victims of some kind of abuse. I have no way to know if that was true for him. But there was something in his life that taught him that he didn’t deserve the love that was there for him, so he evidently didn’t even see it. And so he escaped from a life that seemed like hell for him.

I hope he learned what he needed to in his afterlife life review so his next lifetime will be easier.

Rest in peace, Josh, until it’s time to come back and try it again.

Michael

1000th shame

“A convicted murderer was put to death Friday in the nation’s 1000th execution since capital punishment resumed in 1977.” (Associated Press)

The man’s attorney said, “If this 1000th execution is a milestone, it’s a milestone we should all be ashamed of.” I couldn't agree more.

Killing is killing. Everyone who kills thinks they have a good, even compelling, reason to kill. It's time to say that there is no good reason to kill short of it being a last resort to prevent serious harm to an innocent person. And there are very few instances when killing is the last resort.

Let’s join most of the civilized countries in this world and abolish capital punishment.

Michael

Still hurting

Yes, I'm still in pain. If I'm ever out of pain, I guarantee you that I'll let you know. What I have (trigeminal neuralgia) is considered by traditional medicine to be a chronic, lifelong problem that is only controlled by medication (and not always controlled by medication). They say that Gamma Knife surgery (a highly focused and precise dose of radiation) is the only possibility of a permanent cure. However, that doesn’t work all the time, and very occasionally (1-2% of the time) leaves the patient with facial paralysis.

I’ve been on Neurontin just over 6 weeks. The doc raised my dosage some, but it’s one of those meds that takes awhile to get to the correct level. I'm still at about half the maximum dosage. I'm also using 400 mg of ibuprofen (generic Motrin) and 1000 mg of extra strength acetaminophen (generic Tylenol) every 8 hours in addition to that.

The worst of the pain is gone, but I'm still having some pretty intense pain sometimes. It’s intense enough to wake me up at night at least once a night (4 times last night) and to keep me from being able to talk now and then. I only go a few minutes at a time without any pain at all. It still feels like I'm having dental problems much of the time – not to mention earaches and pain in my eye, cheek, forehead, and scalp.

There is good news, though! I am able to eat and drink sometimes (though it’s always painful to eat or drink), and I can talk (though rather distortedly) much of the time. And I never did have to take a day off from my long-term teaching job because of the pain. I had to stop in the middle of classes for a few minutes sometimes because of the pain, but I was able to keep going.

Also, the side effects are nearly gone. I'm no longer stumbling around, feeling drugged, or falling asleep suddenly while I'm sitting up – all of which are usual side effects of Neurontin. Depression is also a common side effect, and I haven’t gotten depressed. So, cheers!

There’s another medication that I’d really like to try. It’s called Lyrica and is supposedly the new version of Neurontin. The good news is that there are fewer side effects and that it sometimes works better. However, it’s not on the clinic’s low-cost plan. So, I’ve contacted Pfizer (the manufacturer) to see what kind of free and low-cost plans they have. We shall see.

Someone remarked that I'm in remarkably good spirits for someone with this thing. It’s a choice. I believe staying positive will contribute to my healing, as will prayer, energy healing, and all the other alternative approaches that I'm bringing into my life.

And so, I'm doing whatever I can to attract a miraculous healing. I invite you to join me in that through visualization, prayer, Reiki, kind words, or whatever you can think of.

Thank you to all of you who have already been supporting my healing and to all of you who will now begin to do so. I feel deep appreciation for you.

Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net

3 more Conscious Heart's Quest posts

I’ve posted 3 more posts of my “Conscious Heart’s Quest” blogs. They are titled:

Brief history of relationships
Where I’ve met women
My history with the personal ads

If you’re interested in reading any or all of them, go to: http://consciousheart.blogspot.com.

If you’d like to receive my blog “Conscious Heart’s Quest” via e-mail, send an empty e-mail (no message necessary) to CHQuest-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.

Namaste,
Michael Dickerson Deluno

What Kind of Ex Am I?

You Are A Friendly Ex

You and your ex are just friends - great friends really. (At least that's what you keep telling yourself!) While civility is a good thing, make sure you're not secretly wanting more...

What Type of Ex Are You?

Yes, I always have been and always will be. Some of my exes are still friends; more would be if they were interested.

If you'd like to leave your results in my comments, I'd enjoy reading them.

Michael

Happy Thanksgiving!

I’d like to wish all of you from the U.S. a wonderful and meaningful Thanksgiving Day. To those of you who aren’t in countries that celebrate Thanksgiving today, I urge you to consider contemplating gratefulness and appreciation today anyway.

Thanksgiving is much more than just a holiday with loads of food, parades, and sharing with people we love. It’s really about gratefulness - gratefulness for all the things have gone our way, but also for the people and circumstances that are our challenges.

Nancy and Jim Rosemergy tell us: “Thankfulness is one of the great avenues of God’s presence and power. When we give thanks, a door opens through which Spirit can do Its work.”Giving thanks is a choice. It’s easy to give thanks when we like what happens, but we can also choose to be thankful any time under any circumstances. As Nancy and Jim said, doing this opens a door that allows us to follow a path to change in our lives. It may not seem easy or natural to give thanks in the face of challenges, but it is a practice that can be cultivated and one that will lead to magnificent changes.

And so I give thanks for all the people I care about, for all the people who care about me, for everyone who has helped me in any way, especially for Antoinette and all she’s contributed to me in a multitude of forms, for all my learning and awakening and growth, for my home, for my job, for my income, for the car I drive, for my computers, for the opportunities I’ve been given, for my fabulous experiences acting in “Into the West” and “Bordertown,” for the people at Capitol High School who allowed me to do a long-term substitute job teaching AVID and English, for the food I eat, and for so much more.

But I also give thanks for having trigeminal neuralgia, for the healing I know is coming, and for the blessings I know are coming from it; for my break-up with Antoinette, for still being friends with her, and for the blessings I know are coming from that; for my less than abundant flow of money, for the abundance I know is flowing to me now, and for the blessings I know I'm receiving by not having lots of money; for the challenge of seeking again for the woman of my dreams, for knowing that the right woman is coming into my life, and for the blessings I know are coming as a result of my search; and, of course, for all my other challenges in life.

I invite you to join me in sitting down and consciously and intentionally writing down all the things you appreciate and also the challenges you have and whatever gratitude you can choose to have for them.

But, beyond that, I urge you to join me in just choosing to be grateful for life and for whatever comes, knowing that somehow, whether we recognize how or not, everything is either for our highest benefit or else is leading to our highest benefit.

Thank you everyone, and thank You, God.

May we all use this time of giving thanks to grow and to open our hearts.

In abundant gratitude,
Michael

New blog

I’ve started a new blog that I'll continue as a separate thing. It’s called “Conscious Heart’s Quest,” and it’s about my quest for the woman and relationship of my dreams. I'll refer to it occasionally in This Is My Life, and I won’t duplicate the things I write there.

If you’re interested in reading it, you can find it at http://consciousheart.blogspot.com.

If you’d like to receive it via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to chquest-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.

Michael

More to life

There is more to life than my health – and Barbara’s. I swear there is. I guess it’s time to catch up again on other things.

Antoinette and I are still broken up. We’ve shifted the form of our relationship, though, and are being friends. We’ve been getting together about once a week. I love her and miss some of what we had together, yet I know this is for the best. We just didn’t work together as romantic partners. She’d be a great partner for someone more like her. If I knew that guy, I’d recommend her to him.

So, once again I'm open to meeting the woman of my dreams. I hope I learned what I need to know from being with Antoinette so that I'm ready to find her now. If you know her, send her my way, please.

I'm still teaching AVID and English at Capitol High School as a long-term substitute. Channell (the regular teacher who is out on maternity leave) returns on November 21. She’d like me to stay on as co-teacher to facilitate the transition until winter break. (I almost called it Christmas break.) We have to see if the school or the school district will pay me to do that.

I love that job. It’s a lot of work for not too much pay, but I still love it. I guess teaching is just my calling. Whenever I do life purpose work, I always get that teaching is my life’s work. I’ve always taken that very broadly. Now I'm actually doing school teaching and loving it. Interesting. I just act as if that’s my permanent job – going to all of the meetings whether I need to or not, etc. We shall see.

October 21 was the end of the first quarter. Giving midterm exams, grading them, and preparing grades for the quarter took a huge amount of time. Now I find that I still have some to do because the grades can be changed, and some of the students want to do things to change their grades. I'll have to put some kind of time limit on that, or else I'll be doing it forever.

Some of it is quite challenging – especially dealing with kids who create disruption and ones who aren’t at all motivated. But I'm learning.

Another of the long-term subs (the one who took over the classes I was originally scheduled to teach – his name is Eric) told me that Los Alamos Public Schools is looking for subs and says they can keep us busy. It’s 40 minutes or so away from home, but it pays about twice what Santa Fe Public Schools does. I'm going to call about it and see if I can get a long-term job there. Eric and I could carpool and make it easier and more enjoyable to commute.

It’s time for me to check back in with Santa Fe Community College about being in their alternative teacher training program. I'm still interested in becoming a regular teacher and in teaching AVID permanently. It’s a fabulous program. If you’d like to know more about it, visit http://www.avidonline.org. I’ve also learned that there’s a program to prepare teachers to teach advanced placement (AP) courses. I'm looking into that, too. To know more about that, see http://apcentral.collegeboard.com. AVID and AP courses are what I really want to teach.

What else? There must be more. I'll write another message if I think of anything.

Love and light to you all,
Michael

Civil Rights Pioneer Rosa Parks Dies at 92 - Yahoo! News

May you rest in peace, Miss Rosa Parks.

TN report

TN (trigeminal neuralgia) is a pain. That’s the closest I can come to making a joke about it.

I’ve been on the medication for 8 days now. First the good news: I experienced 2 pain-free hours on Wednesday. I was so high that I can’t describe it. I went to Whole Foods and bought salmon to celebrate.

But, by the time I got it home to eat, I was back in pain.

The worst of the pain – the searing electric shock-like pain all through the right side of my face and scalp – is muted some, but not gone. I still have attacks every once in a while (somewhere between a half dozen and a dozen per day). And I still have the ongoing pain that usually feels like it’s in my teeth and that makes it very difficult to eat or drink. I’ve been surviving on too little fluids and soft foods that I don’t have to chew much.

Then, very early Wednesday morning (4 a.m.) I had to visit the ER to deal with side effects of the medications. The doc there also gave me a prescription for a very large dose of Motrin (in the form of what I call horse pills) to help deal with the pain. He told me that the medication I'm on (Neurontin) is one that takes awhile to build up and that the doc will probably increase my dose when I see him this coming Thursday.

Today it isn’t too bad – comparatively.

I have continued to teach. I just have to minimize how much I talk and to stop talking for pain attacks occasionally. It is interfering, but I don’t have sick leave or disability pay, so I just keep with it. Students have asked me a number of times why I don’t stay home when I'm so sick. Someone suggested I check into going on disability through the state, but my understanding is that the benefits are so small that I wouldn’t really be able to live on them. I can barely make it on what I make teaching, and I have lots of people I need to pay money back to. I need to work more, not less.

And, compared to last winter, it isn’t too bad. The attacks then were more frequent and would go on sometimes for 4 or 5 minutes instead of half a minute or a minute now. Then excruciating pain was waking me up out of my sleep often. Now I’ve only been awakened a few times. So I'm really feeling somewhat grateful that it isn’t worse now than it is.

I'm trying to communicate it to you in a way that you get it, and I suspect no one ever will without experiencing it themselves – or at least watching me experience it. In that way it’s like depression. People who’ve never been clinically depressed just don’t get it. Similarly, people just don’t get the pain of TN. It’s so frustrating for me. I want people to understand.

Here are some of the things I do that set off terrible pain: walking heavily, carrying things, lifting, bending over so my head isn’t upright, sometimes moving faster than a very slow pace, chewing and drinking (as I’ve said), smiling (really, I can’t even smile), talking, holding a phone to my ear, washing my face, showering, touching my face, turning my head too far, and more.

I was just reminded of one of the side effects of the meds because it just happened. At least I think it’s a side effect of the meds. Maybe I'm just really tired from not sleeping well. I suddenly almost nod off to sleep while I'm sitting at the computer or watching TV or sitting at a stoplight. I have to be very careful driving if I'm not really rested. Mornings are OK. On the way home from work is a problem.

The TN discussion group that I’ve joined has been a Godsend. I can talk to and hear from people who truly understand what I'm talking about. Some of them have it even worse than I do, too. Maybe not worse than last winter, but worse than now.

So, there you have it. At least I hope you do after reading what I’ve written.

Michael

Trigeminal neuralgia and me

As I said in my last message, I’ve been diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia. I’ve been dealing with this for nearly a year and possibly longer than that. Here’s a brief review of the history since late November, 2004 (in case you weren’t reading these by then):

For a little over 4 months last winter I experienced severe pain in my mouth, face, and scalp. It was so extreme that I couldn’t work most of the time. Because I knew I had some dental work needing to be done where it was hurting, I went to a dentist, thinking that was the problem. I subsequently had lots of dental work done (3 root canals and an extraction), tying to relieve the pain. I also had a medical consult for possible neurological problems, partly because I had Bell’s palsy 10 or 12 years ago. The doc suggested that I take a vitamin B complex and prescribed Amitriptylin, which I couldn’t tolerate without significant side effects. Eventually, after the last of the dental work was done, the pain went away. I thought it was all over with, and another doctor just let it all pass.

Then about 6 weeks ago, I began having some of the same symptoms again. It grew worse and worse over the weeks. Finally it got to the point of being severe pain again – enough that I couldn’t eat (and didn’t for a week until a couple of days ago), could only drink with terrible pain (and became dehydrated), couldn’t sleep well or for very long, and could hardly talk (always with great difficulty). Tylenol with codeine reduced the pain some, but never eliminated it.

I went to the dentist several times, the last time on this past Thursday. They had said repeatedly that they couldn’t find any dental reason for my pain and said the same thing this time. So, they sent me over to the medical side of the clinic to be seen. There I was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia, a neurological problem in one of the main facial nerves (the trigeminal nerve, of course).

Here’s a brief description of TN from the Trigeminal Neuralgia Association web site:

“What Is Trigeminal Neuralgia?

“TN (Trigeminal Neuralgia / tic douloureux) is a disorder of the fifth cranial (trigeminal) nerve that causes episodes of intense, stabbing, electric shock-like pain in the areas of the face where the branches of the nerve are distributed - lips, eyes, nose, scalp, forehead, upper jaw, and lower jaw. By many, it's called the "suicide disease". A less common form of the disorder called "Atypical Trigeminal Neuralgia" may cause less intense, constant, dull burning or aching pain, sometimes with occasional electric shock-like stabs. Both forms of the disorder most often affect one side of the face, but some patients experience pain at different times on both sides. Onset of symptoms occurs most often after age 50, but cases are known in children and even infants. Something as simple and routine as brushing the teeth, putting on makeup or even a slight breeze can trigger an attack, resulting in sheer agony for the individual. Trigeminal neuralgia (TN) is not fatal, but it is universally considered to be the most painful affliction known to medical practice. Initial treatment of TN is usually by means of anti-convulsant drugs, such as Tegretol or Neurontin. Some anti-depressant drugs also have significant pain relieving effects. Should medication be ineffective or if it produces undesirable side effects, neurosurgical procedures are available to relieve pressure on the nerve or to reduce nerve sensitivity. Some patients report having reduced or relieved pain by means of alternative medical therapies such as acupuncture, chiropractic adjustment, self-hypnosis or meditation.”

If you want to know more about it, see the Trigeminal Neuralgia Association website, http://www.tna-support.org/.

The doctor gave me a heavy-duty anti-seizure medication (Neurontin) that’s one of the accepted treatments for the condition. They also want me to go for an MRI to rule out tumors and multiple sclerosis, both of which are sometimes present when someone has TN. They’re looking for a way for me to see a neurologist and get the MRI at low or no cost since I still don’t have insurance or make much money. (Teachers, especially substitutes – even long-term ones - are incredibly underpaid, in case you’ve never heard that.)

I’ve now taken the Neurontin for a couple of days, and it has reduced the pain some. Specifically, I'm not having the excruciating “electric shock” attacks I was having all through the right side of my face from things like lightly touching my face, moving my mouth, the shower running on my head, turning my head, the wind blowing on my face, and so on. I'm still having ongoing pain on my right side in my teeth, TMJ, and ear, though. That still makes it difficult to eat or drink. I have to force myself to drink anything and to eat even things that don’t take much chewing. I know that it’s going to hurt a lot.

And there are side effects of the Neurontin. I feel spacey and fall asleep easily at odd times. And I'm still on low doses of it.

In addition to the medical treatment, I’ve done some internet research, and I’ve joined an internet discussion group for people who have TN. I’ve learned a lot in 3 days.

I want to share some of my experience over the past 11 months.

TNA says, “By many, it's called the ‘suicide disease’.” I admit that I have considered suicide many times while this has been going on. The pain is intolerable. People who haven’t experienced it have no idea. Imagine the worst pain you’ve ever experienced, and then double or triple that, and that’s the pain of TN. I think that maybe Antoinette was the only one who understood because she was with me so many times when I experienced the attacks, and she saw my reaction to them. (And once again, I am filled with gratitude and love for her because of her caring and help.)

One of the things that really hurt was all the people who didn’t believe me, who thought I was malingering or just lazy because I wasn’t working, who thought I was exaggerating, and so on. One person said that she had had root canals (when I thought it was a dental problem) and hadn't had that kind of pain, so there “must be something wrong.” (In other words, I must be lying.) There was something wrong. I had trigeminal neuralgia, not just dental problems. Several people said I seemed fine when they saw me, so how could I be experiencing what I described? Well, I can hide the ongoing moderate pain pretty well, and I just didn’t have any of my attacks while I was with them. So, yes, sometimes I look OK. But a few minutes later I'll be in excruciating pain from an attack, and I can’t eat or drink without severe pain. I think this is what hurt most, even more than the physical pain. I needed support, and from a lot of people I got doubt and accusations.

I still need support. I still don’t know how I can live with all this pain. It was nearly impossible for me to teach because of the pain that talking caused me. But I kept going because I didn’t want to let the kids down and because I need the money. I need people to say to me, “I understand, and I care” instead of accusing me of making it up or thinking there’s no reason for me not to work.

I don’t know if I'm going to be able to teach this coming week. I just don’t talk when I'm away from work except when absolutely necessary. I nod and grunt and “uhn-hunh” and write out what I need to say. That’s what I did when I went in to talk with the pharmacist about some concerns – I wrote out all the things I needed to ask about. That way I only had to say a few words.

Thank God for computers. At least I can communicate this way.

So, that’s the story. I'm sure I'll write more about this as time goes on. But for now, I'll let it rest.

Namaste,
Michael

And now ... prayers for me (again)

All of your prayers/treatments/positive intentions/healing work for Barbara are working. Now I need to ask that you contribute some to me for my health and healing (again for many of you).

I’ve (finally, after nearly a year of experiencing this) been diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia, a neurological condition that causes extreme pain in the face, jaws, and scalp. According to the Trigeminal Neuralgia Association, it’s “universally considered to be the most painful affliction known to medical practice.” And, as I did for all this time, people often mistake it for dental problems. For more information, see my next blog/journal entry “Trigeminal Neuralgia and me.”

I have to get an MRI to rule out tumors and multiple sclerosis, both of which are occasionally involved in this.

Enough! It’s time to heal this now. Please join with me in knowing the spiritual truth that I am healthy, whole, and perfect and that all symptoms have disappeared permanently so that I experience comfort, ease, and joy.

I KNOW that I am healthy in spirit and that the physical manifestation of that is in the process of appearing. Soon, with your help, this all will be just a memory.

As Barbara said, quoting the Beatles’ song, “we get by with a little help from our friends” is the gospel if I’ve ever heard one.

Thank you,
Michael

Our prayers are working!

Yes, our prayers/treatments/positive intentions/healing work for Barbara are working! Please keep them up.

Below are excerpts from her latest update.

When she recovers from this, making it her second recovery from cancer, we’ll begin to write the script for the movie about her life. It will be true Spiritual Cinema and one of the most inspirational films anyone has ever seen.

Michael
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After reviewing all of my films, written reports, etc. the doctors here DO NOT find the cancer is in my lymph nodes as the doctors in Washington feared. This news is HUGE. So good I can't tell you! You know, of course. THANK YOU for your prayers! We're doing it!!!! I am not doing it alone - WE are doing it - each of you squares the power of the prayers, thoughts, good energy and HEALING FORCE. So always, I say WE are doing it! And I give thanks. Oh my yes. How I give thanks!

Dr. Scheef (The Wizard) appeared at my door yesterday. I had sent him copies of all my films and reports and he had reviewed everything. He said this absolutely can be done. Absolutely. The two primary keys to my success are to be OPTIMISTIC (anyone who knows me knows I have a corner on that market) and to not ever go back to the life I had before.

The intention is to give me chemotherapy (the entire treatment plan takes six weeks) that will at best make the tumor DISAPPEAR all together (that is our goal - to visualize NOTHING in my left lung) or shrink it very small. Dr. Scheef asked them to add a type of steroid that boosts the immune system, which they will do. At the end of the six weeks they will take films and if it is there but tiny, I will return to the U.S. to have the remains surgically removed.

But as WE KNOW, IT WILL BE GONE! : )

Another gift: I told Dr. Scheef to please let me know what I owe him for his consulting - he acted offended and said he would take nothing as we are old friends [from when she was at the clinic 25 years ago].

Angels, everywhere, I tell you, everywhere.

There is an enchanting personal chapel on the clinic grounds. Of course I have visited - and will be sure to keep candles lit and see that St. Martin is ensconced there.

For now know that things are GOOD, VERY GOOD, and KEEP GETTING BETTER and BETTER. Every day I get more good news, meet another angel, turn another corner. WE ARE DOING IT!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!

Amen to all of you. Amen.

As the song says, "...we get by with a little help from our friends..."

The gospel, if ever it was written.

Amen. Amen.

Love love love to you all,

Barbara

Update re. prayers for Barbara

Please continue to pray/treat/do healing work for Barbara Gentlemoon’s healing and health. If you’ll also add prayers for financing of her medical treatment, it would be much appreciated. More information from Barbara is below my signature.

Thank you,Michael

Following are excerpts from Barbara’s update to those of us on her e-mail list. In addition to information about her tests and treatment, it will tell you a lot about the kind of person she is.
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“I continue to be amazed and humbled by the outpour from family/friends (I don't differentiate) and from people all over the world I've never met. Truly you all have been with me every step of the way - I can't tell you what that means, how wrapped in love and prayers that makes me feel. The response has been immediate and wholly present. I am awed and truly humbled. It is LOVE (PRAYER) in action, tangible, incredible, a Force that is felt and appreciated more than you will ever ever know.

“I will preface this by saying I will not have the results of any of these tests I talk about until Tuesday, October 4th, when I next see the oncologist.

“I had a Brain Scan (MRI) on Friday, September 23rd. It went fine. The technician's name was Nora. She looked and sounded like an angel. They are always present in these situations if we but watch for them, and I do.

“On Tuesday, September 27th, I had a Bone Scan. I had another angel-technician, Jim.

“On Wednesday, September 28th, I had a CT guided biopsy. The nurse and doctor were both particularly wonderful, as was the technician who was doing the repeated CT photos. I always acknowledge that when I experience it. It matters and is much appreciated and I make sure they know it. They had to be extremely careful (thank you very much) inserting the needles as the tissue they were aspirating is so close to my aorta. Then I had chest x-rays (to determine if my lung was leaking air from the hole they poked in it and might collapse). It was all pronounced "very good!" Alas, as we know, it could be better, as in All Better, but that's coming.

“I am still preparing as if I'll go to Germany [to the Janker Clinic, where she went 25 years ago to heal from Hodgkin’s disease] [in a few days]. I don't want to wait until Tuesday (after the appointment with the oncologist) to begin preparations. ”The head of radiology [at the Janker Clinic] says I will need to be there for six weeks - at a cost of approximately $40,000.00 US. I am going. Don't know how yet, but that's beside the point.

“The only thing that's changed is I may be going by myself because the ticket/flight I need is $2910.00 and I can't afford two. It will be an undertaking, the way I feel, but we rise to what the occasion calls for. [Because of pain and her pain medications, she had arranged for a friend to escort her and help her.]

“I still have absolutely no clear idea how this trip is going to happen. I just keep putting it out there to the Universe and doing my part in preparing for it and I know God and my Angels will do theirs. It is where I need to be, and they will assist me. In that I have no doubt.”
------------
If you would like to write to Barbara directly, her e-mail is gentlemoon@comcast.net. Please only write if it’s something caring and supportive. She’s exceptionally busy right now, so she may not be able to reply for quite a while.

Her website, if you would like more information about her and what a light she is in the world, is:
http://www.thecancercoach.net

If you’re interested in knowing more about the Janker Clinic, ask me to e-mail you an article that Patrick McGrady wrote about it that was originally published in Esquire.

Please pray for Barbara

I'm requesting that, if it feels appropriate, you pray for my long-time friend Barbara Gentlemoon. (We’ve known each other since we were children.) The doctor tells her she has a medium-sized tumor in her lungs near her aorta. She goes tomorrow (Wednesday) for a PET scan. Please see her healthy and free of tumors.

Barbara isn’t one who is inclined to just accept doctors’ diagnoses or prognoses. 25 years ago, when she was in her late 20’s, she survived the most advanced stage of Hodgkin’s disease that anyone in the world ever has. To do so, she combined spiritual work, metaphysical principles, alternative healthcare, and traditional medicine. Dan Millman (author of The Way of The Peaceful Warrior and many other books) has encouraged her to write her life story because it is so inspirational.

She’s now in preparation to return to the clinic in Germany that helped her to heal herself 25 years ago.

If you’d like to read more about Barbara, and I encourage you to do so, see her web site:
http://www.thecancercoach.net/about.htm

Barbara grew up in Unity (in fact, her father was President of the Board of Unity on the Plaza in Kansas City when we were kids, and she has told me about how he would find a Unity church to attend every Sunday even when they were traveling.) She seriously considered becoming a Unity minister in the late ‘80s and had read all the books that were required of ministerial candidates at that time. I think she is a minister, whether she has those formal credentials or not.

Thank you for considering this,
Michael Dickerson Deluno

Catching up

How quickly 8 weeks can fly by! So much has happened since I last wrote one of these. I'll just cover the basics of what’s been happening, and this will still be long.

Antoinette and I have broken up again – as of this past Monday. This makes about 40 times in 27 months since we met. I don’t think we’ll get back together this time. Even though we love each other, we’re just too different in some significant values and ways of being in life. We keep clashing over those things. I'm grieving about the loss. I am so grateful and so indebted to her for all she’s done for me, and there were some wonderful parts of our relationship. It just didn’t work for us to be a couple. I'll probably write more about this later in another message.

My job at Los Alamos National Labs that I was so excited about only lasted a couple of days instead of the 6 weeks they promised. They kept having delays because the computers didn’t work and because things didn’t arrive on time. Then, by the time they called me to start working again, I already had something else.

I did a one-evening (and night) temp job in August helping a gallery move artwork out of the Eldorado Hotel and back to the gallery after an auction. I applied for quite a few other jobs and even got interviews for a couple. One of them may still be a possibility as a part-time supplementary job.

But then the school year finally started again, and I took a 2½ week assignment at Capital High School teaching English and Communications. They were in the process of hiring a new teacher, and I was to substitute until they found one. I started that the day before school began (mid-August here in Santa Fe). The day school began I started my first class, and at the end of it another sub came in to talk with me. He said the good news was that I still had a job; the bad news was that they were changing my assignment. He was taking over the classes I thought I was going to teach and applying to be the regular teacher. (He did get the job.)

So, I was switched to another long-term sub job replacing a teacher who would be going on maternity leave about the first of September. We were going to co-teach until then, and I was going to learn what she was doing. She was to be out until the first of December. The classes are freshman AVID/English, sophomore AVID/English, and English 1 (supposedly for freshmen, but there are more juniors in it than freshmen – all kids who have failed English before). The school is on a block schedule, so they only have 4 periods each day, and one of them is my prep period. The important thing I needed to learn about was teaching AVID (more about what that is below). I had never heard of AVID before then.

I like Channell (the regular teacher). She’s a great teacher, even though she’s only 25 and this is only her second or third year of teaching. We got to work together for 3 days, and I was just beginning to pick up how she does things and what AVID is all about. Then on Saturday, August 20th her daughter Nevada decided to be born a couple of weeks early. I showed up the following Monday morning expecting to mostly observe Channell, only to learn that I was on my own. She hadn't taken my phone number home with her because she didn’t expect to have her baby so soon.

And so I’ve been teaching those classes since then and will be until Channell returns about November 20 (earlier than expected because she left earlier than expected). I love it and have been getting great feedback. The principal comes around to all the classes every once in a while and evaluates each of the teachers. On September 7th she observed me and wrote:

“Students engaged – large group reading, discussion with ties to grammar and punctuation. Mr. D – You are doing an awesome job! The students are engaged in the instruction and you’re making it fun. Thanks for your professionalism and follow-through.”

I appreciated that. Then this past Thursday evening we had our annual open house for parents. At the assembly in the auditorium before everyone went to their kids’ classrooms to meet their teachers, she (Darlene, the principal) said that she wanted to specially recognize 2 of the teachers. I was the first one she mentioned. She said that I had stepped in on short notice and that the classes “haven’t skipped a beat.” It feels good to be getting that kind of recognition.

After the open house they had a barbecue. While we were standing in line waiting to get our food, I talked with Darlene for a bit and told her that I'm applying to the alternative teacher training program at Santa Fe Community College to become a regular teacher because I'm so excited about the AVID program and want to continue teaching it. She told me to come to her when I’ve started that, and they’ll give me a job. In NM I can get a provisional teaching license as soon as I’ve started the training program as long as I meet some other requirements. I'm investigating that now.

Briefly, AVID (Advancement Via Individual Determination) is a college preparatory (and life success) program for kids who want to go to college and don’t really have the background (and in most cases, the grades) for it. Few of them have family members who’ve been to college. Most of them have had fairly mediocre grades up until they join the program. Many of them don’t know much about what possibilities are open for them. And this program takes them and teaches them what it takes to succeed and encourages and pushes them to do it. As the teacher, I'm really a combination teacher, coach, cheerleader, advocate, taskmaster, and surrogate father for the kids. The results from AVID are remarkable. Did anyone see the 60 Minutes segment on AVID? One example from one of my classes: a young man from Mexico (most of my kids are Mexican Americans or some kind of Hispanic ethnically; all but a few of them speak Spanish as their first language) was getting C’s and D’s before AVID. Now he gets A’s and B’s. Nearly all of the kids who go through AVID actually do go to college.

I'll write separate messages about the AVID program and about the schools in Santa Fe because there’s quite a bit more that I have to say about them, and I don’t want this one to go on too much longer.

In early August I had to move out of the apartment I was subletting for the summer from a teacher who was away working on her master’s degree. (She works at Capital High School, too, and now we’re colleagues.) I found an apartment-sharing situation with a guy named Richard. He works as a singer and waiter at La Casa Sena Cantina. Antoinette and I saw him perform last winter when we went there for dinner and the show. I'm crowded into my room and am looking forward to the time when I can comfortably afford to live alone again (or with my romantic partner, which would be even better).

My phone number remains the same, as does my mailing address – the P.O. box. If you know me personally and want either (or both) of those, let me know.

Antoinette and I have both been having dental problems. She had to have a couple of wisdom teeth removed, and because she’s hypersensitive to the anesthetic, they had to put her completely out to do it. Consequently, I took a day off teaching to be with her and take care of her. In November she has to have another dental surgery procedure done. I feel terrible conflict about not being there for her for it because of how she was there so much for me during my major problems last winter.

As for me, I'm having some pain similar to what I had last winter, but not as severe. The dentist doesn’t know why. There’s no apparent reason for it. One possibility is that it’s a nerve problem. Some of you know that I had Bell’s palsy 10 or 12 years ago, and this could be something related to that. We shall see.

I bought a used desktop computer at a great price awhile back. It came totally infected with Trojans, viruses, worms, spyware, and every other kind of malware possible. I'm still working on clearing all of that off of it. Part of the reason I got it is that my tiny hard drive (6 GB) on my laptop is full. The combination of those 2 problems has interfered with my computer activities significantly. Hopefully, I'll be back to something like normal soon.

So, there you have a quick summary of the past 2 months. What’s new with you? Or, as the kids say, “Whassup?”

Michael

Working!

I wrote earlier that I was scheduled to begin a job at LANL (Los Alamos National Labs) on Monday, July 18th – if I got a security clearance. Well, I guess they decided I'm secure enough to work there (and be watched moment-by-moment), but there were some delays, so they put off the beginning of the job. I was beginning to think that maybe it would all evaporate until they finally called me Tuesday afternoon to say we started work on Wednesday the 20th (my birthday).

For those of you who don’t know, Los Alamos is a 45-minute drive from Santa Fe. I had the option of driving myself and hoping I could find some people to carpool with or else to take the Park and Ride bus. When I checked it out, I had to leave 40 minutes earlier taking the bus than driving, and I couldn’t leave until 25 minutes after I was supposed to get off work. That swung it. I drove.

I expected to be working with a lot of 20somethings with no job skills. I was wrong. Most of the other guys are over 30, and one is probably over 65. There’s a computer programmer, a newspaper pre-press manager, and an 8th grade history teacher, among other “real” jobs they have or had. I’ve talked a lot with the teacher – in fact, he’s one of 2 guys that have ended up riding with me.

The first day of work the job reminded me some of working in movies – lots of hurry up and wait. We waited, in fact, most of the day, off and on. And when we did work, there wasn’t a whole lot of work to it. We mainly just pushed big computer cabinets (about the size of refrigerators) around, getting them to the place where we’d (the next day) begin to install the computer system. The next day (Thursday) was more work and more satisfying when we actually began to wire up the system.

The other main thing that stands out to me to write about is the security measures. I’ve never before seen such security measures. We have escorts with higher security clearances who go with us everywhere and who can’t let us out of their sight even for a moment. If one of us needs to go to the rest room, several of us have to go with an escort. There are places where we have to sign in to get through a locked door, then sign again when we’ve gotten through and get a badge to wear. A good part of the time, we were wearing 3 different badges. And there are lots of places with artificial lines that can’t be crossed, so one team pushes the cabinets just over the line without crossing it themselves, and another team takes them from there into the elevator. Then another team takes them out of the elevator to a door, and a fourth team takes them from that door to where they belong. There’s more, but I don’t want to write for pages about this.

I was led to expect a fairly steady 3 days per week (Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday) for 8 hours per day at $18 per hour for 5 or 6 weeks. However, it hasn’t turned out that way at all. The first week we worked Wednesday 7 ½ hours and Thursday 6 ½ hours. Then we found out that something wasn’t working right, so we weren’t working Friday and maybe next week at all. Then when I took my time card in on Friday, I was told that maybe we’d start working again this coming Thursday. Or things could change again. It’s definitely an exercise in being flexible. But the money is good.

So, tomorrow I'm letting the temp agencies know that I'm available until further notice. It would be nice to get something else for Tuesday and Wednesday if we aren’t working at LANL again until Thursday.

By the way, I also applied for a part-time concierge job at the St. Francis Hotel this past Tuesday. I’d love to have it, and I haven’t heard anything at all, so I'm not feeling hopeful. I need to get back to doing my own work, too. And, of course, school and substitute teaching begins again toward the end of August.

And, of course, there are auditions and casting calls. More about that in my acting blog.

Namaste,
Michael

My birthday

My birthday was last Wednesday (the 20th). Another milestone passed. Another year to add to the count. I'm now 59 years old chronologically. Can you believe it? I can’t. I still feel like I'm 35 or 40, and most people guess me to be 10 or 15 years younger than I am. I'm sure my Real Age is less than that, too. But, I have been on earth 59 years and a few days now. I'm recalling what my friend and former sister-in-law Barbara said the year she turned 50. Lots of people told her she didn’t look anywhere near 50. She replied, “Yes, I do. This is what 50 looks like.” But age prejudice is really strong in this country – at least among the white culture. So, a lot of the time I prefer not to tell people how old I am. They have images of 59 that more accurately fit my parents than me.

Anyway, it was a good day. I worked all day at LANL making $18 per hour (more about that in another message), and it was a very light workday. That felt like an unusual birthday gift, but a birthday gift nonetheless. The opportunity to work and make some money is truly a wonderful gift.

Then I went over to Antoinette’s house. She had some gifts for me and a custom-made cake from Whole Foods – one of my favorite kinds. We drank a Martinelli’s toast and then went to dinner at Vanessie’s. It’s a restaurant she’d been to for a concierge party, but I’d never been there. She had a gift certificate that they’d given her for $100, so we did our best to eat exactly $100 worth of food. Each of us had an appetizer (I had shrimp cocktail). We shared a Caesar salad, 2 entrees (ahi tuna and halibut), garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus, and a piece of fabulous chocolate cake. The tab came to $100.03. Pretty good, huh? Then we went back to her house, and each of us ate a small piece of my birthday cake. We were stuffed, and I had enough leftovers for dinner the next day, not to mention enough cake for several days.

I noticed something important. I felt disappointed that more people didn’t acknowledge my birthday. That renewed my commitment to acknowledge the birthdays of other people I care about. It really doesn’t take much time for me to do, and it seems to me like it’s worth a lot more than the little bit of time and effort I put into it. So, if I know your birthday, I'm pledging to acknowledge it in some way when the day comes. And I'm going to see if I can’t find out some more birthdates, too.

Warmly,
Michael

Did you see me?

Did you see me in episode 6 of “Into the West”? I was very visible in this one. If you want to know more, read my acting blog at http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com. Besides information about how to find me, there’s some interesting trivia about one of the scenes in the movie that I think is significant.

I think ITW has been outstanding, and I hope they decide to turn it into a series. There was talk about that on the set all along. What do you think? If you agree, I encourage you to call, write, or email TNT asking for more.

If you don’t get TNT or for some other reason haven’t seen ITW, the DVDs come out in October.

Michael

My power color

My power color

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest:
You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you.

At Your Lowest:
You require a lot of attention and praise.

In Love:
You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.

How You're Attractive:
You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.

Your Eternal Question:
"Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's your power color? See:
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourpowercolorquiz

Back-dated entries

I’ve posted and back-dated 7 entries that I wrote while I was offline: 6/29 (1), 7/3 (2), 7/5 (2), and 7/6 (2). If you’re interested, you may want to go back and look at them.

Michael

Where was I?

Did you watch episode 4 of “Into the West” and wonder where I was? Well, I was there. I saw myself. If you want to know more, read my acting blog at http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com.

By the way, I think ITW has been excellent. What do you think?

Michael

Self-testing

For anyone interested in an alternative to muscle testing for testing yourself for whether something is good for you or not:

http://www.ladybarbara.net/Self-testing.htm

Michael

Still laughing

I don’t post a lot of jokes, but this one still has me laughing, so I will post it. I received it from one of my ministry email lists.

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"Dear Lord," the minister said and he began a prayer with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment a little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.

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I hope you enjoy it, too.

Michael

Back online

I'm finally back online after nearly 2 weeks of not having internet service. Did you notice? If you tried to email me during that time and had it returned, please try again.

The good news is that I wrote a lot during the past 2 weeks. I have some things I'll send out and post later today.

Michael

Give and take

Someone said that they think I'm a taker, a “mooch.” That concerns me because that isn’t my intention at all. Maybe it’s just their perception based on their unique history, and I want to respond to it anyway.

I’ve been in a period in which money has been a big challenge for me. That means that other things have also been a challenge for me because in this physical world nearly everything requires money. Consequently, I’ve made requests from people to help me in a variety of ways. Asking isn’t easy for me. I was coached to do so, though, and so I’ve stepped out on faith and asked. I still feel guilty and embarrassed about it, though. I prefer to be the giver rather than the receiver. If I could have lived my life in a way that I’ve always given and never needed any help, I’d be perfectly happy. Maybe being in a position that I’ve needed to request assistance and to accept it has been a spiritual lesson for me. I don’t know.

In the past I’ve sometimes been the one who was in a position to give with little coming back. Several examples: At one time I dated a woman who wasn’t making much money. She had a couple of kids, and her ex wasn’t coming through with child support. I paid for things we did together, and I also gave her money (at least $100) every month. I never asked for any of it back, even when she broke up with me. At other times I’ve let people stay at my house for free for as long as they needed to be there. One of those houses was a group house I lived in for a while where I don’t think there was a night when there weren’t extra people staying there. (That was the “old days” in Berkeley, and ours was a “crash pad.”) Another time I met a woman who was visiting some friends. She was sick and had little money, so I took her to the local inexpensive clinic and paid for her meds. I never received or asked for the money back even though I was a working student and didn’t have a whole lot of money, either. And finally, I can’t possibly count the number of people who I’ve helped move just because they needed the help, not for any reward.

I see that part of the issue is that I'm an old hippie who still carries some of the values from his hippie past. The ideal was “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” and “we’re all feeding each other” (as Wavy Gravy said at Woodstock – by the way, I met Wavy Gravy when I lived in Berkeley). I like being in the position that I can take care of (feed) anyone who has a need. I wish I had enough money to get everyone living on the streets into some kind of housing (if they want it, of course). On many more than one occasion, I’ve been called a “bleeding heart liberal.”

I belong to a group called “Santa Fe FreeCycle” that operates on the “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” principle. People ask for what they need and offer what they have. All transactions have to be gifts. I’ve given away several things and so far have received nothing from anyone in the group. I'm still willing to give what I can. I know that things return to us when we give what we have with an open hand and an open heart. They may not come back from the person we gave something to, but they come back from somewhere.

We (old hippies) also held the value of “paying it forward” long before that movie came out or the term was coined. Whenever someone did something for us or gave us something, we passed along the kindness to someone else to keep it moving. One day years ago I was in a pizza place, and a couple didn’t have enough money to pay for their pizza. I gave them the money. When he asked for my address to send it back to me, I said, “Just do something kind for someone else.” I still do that when I can.

Anyway, recently I’ve done my best to maintain a balance of giving and receiving, even though most of my giving hasn’t been financial. Whenever I made requests, I also made offers. For example, this paragraph is from the message I sent and posted on March 12: “I'm quite aware that I need to be in the flow of both giving and receiving. So, what can I do to contribute something to you? Can I pray for you? Can I do some kind of task that will make a difference to you? Limitations are that I need to be able to take a break or stop whenever I need to because of pain, that I can’t talk too much on the phone, and that it can’t be anything overly physical right now. Please let me know if there’s some way I can help you. I care about you and your well-being.”

Despite my financial difficulties, I’ve given things away – donations to Goodwill, a telephone and answering machine to a friend, a desk to a stranger who needed it, and more.

I’ve also given a lot of gratitude, though I admit that in a few cases I’ve neglected to say “thank you” to specific people for specific gifts in an appropriately timely manner. I think I’ve apologized to all of them and have expressed my gratitude.

With some people I’ve made trade arrangements. With one person I agreed to do work around the house in return for a place to stay. Then I did more than I was asked to do and was told that I did a better job than the owner would have done himself.

With another person I agreed to take care of her cats whenever needed for free forever in return for a place to stay. I think we were both satisfied with that arrangement at the time. Now I think it needs to be renegotiated, so I will.

Whenever I’ve stayed at anyone’s place, I’ve done my best not to overly impact their space. I’ve been quiet and considerate, tried to be noticed as little as possible, and have cleaned up after myself as well as I could.

When someone loaned me a car, I put more gas back in it than I used – not necessarily each time I drove it, but overall.

Whenever someone offered to pray for me, I’ve also prayed for them – and for other people I knew could use it.

With Antoinette I’ve done my best to be as helpful to her in every way I possibly could that didn’t involve money. When I have had a little money, I’ve contributed what I could. I'm way behind on repaying her because she’s given me so much and I’ve had so little, and I will catch up as quickly as I can.

With everyone, I’ve just written my plan for paying everyone back and contributing even more to them than they have to me.

That’s my intention – to always give more than I receive. I haven’t always been able to do that immediately. However, it’s always my intention to do so as soon as I'm able.

Given that, I'm open to the possibility that some people feel like I haven’t given enough back. If that’s true, then it’s probably because I haven’t been able to give back yet, and I will as soon as possible. If anyone feels like I’ve taken too much from you without offering enough in return, please let me know, and I'll do whatever I can to more than satisfy you as soon as I'm capable of doing that.

There are a few people who I know I need to talk with to complete something, and I'm beginning to do that now.

I'll finish this by stating my intention one last time. I intend to give back to everyone who has helped me more than I’ve received – either by giving you money or by doing something else for you that feels like a more than equivalent exchange. Just let me know what I can do for you.

And, of course, I also intend to pay your kindness forward.

Michael Dickerson Deluno

My plan

Antoinette says I often don’t communicate things, that I just think them. Sometimes she’s right. I have a lot going on in my head that never comes out in talk or on paper. It isn’t that I don’t want to communicate. I seldom make a decision not to communicate something. Sometimes it just doesn’t occur to me to put what I have in my mind out into the physical world. As I’ve said repeatedly, I am an introvert no matter how public my life may seem and no matter how easy it may appear for me to talk with people. Writing these messages is, in fact, an exercise in getting what’s in my thoughts out into physical form.

I have a plan for giving back everything that’s been loaned and given to me – and more. I usually think about this in conjunction with my fantasies of winning Powerball, but it isn’t something I'll do only if I win the lottery. It will just take longer and be less impressive than if I win many millions of dollars all at once. I know that significant amounts of money are coming to me somehow. I don’t know exactly for what or when, and I'm sure it will happen. Maybe I'll get a big part in a movie. Maybe I'll sell a screenplay to a major movie producer. Maybe I'll publish a best-selling book. Maybe all of those will be true. Or maybe something else will be. But whatever happens, whenever it happens, lots of other people will benefit.

I'll put this out as intentions because I know the power of intentions.

I AM a magnet for money, and I intend to bring in a large ongoing income and/or windfall of money.

I intend to contribute at least 10% of what comes to me to my spiritual teachers and nurturers – and there are many of them.

I intend to pay back everything I owe to anyone and more. For people who have loaned me money, I intend to return what they’ve loaned me plus interest plus a “gratitude bonus.”

I intend to contribute to people who’ve generously given me things – money, places to stay, food, and everything else. I'll give them significantly more than they gave me in gratitude for their unselfish generosity.

Here’s my specific plan for Antoinette. Scenario 1, if I suddenly come into a large sum of money (win Powerball, sell a screenplay, etc.): I intend to pay her back everything she’s loaned me plus interest. I intend to give her a large amount of money in gratitude for everything she’s done for me. I intend to pay for everything we share – food, movies, restaurants, plays, gasoline, travel, etc. – for the rest of our lives (unless she chooses to give me a gift occasionally). And I intend to buy her a condo of her choice. Then she can either live in it or rent it.

Scenario 2, if the money comes in over time: I intend to do everything I said in scenario 1 over time and as I'm able to do according to my income. I'm eager to do for her more than she’s done for me.

And the same is true for everyone who has been kind or helpful to me in any way at any time in my life. I'm eager to, and I intend to, give back more than they’ve given me.

Furthermore, I intend to pass the generosity along. That means that I'll give to people who are in need in gratitude for and in the name of the people who’ve given to me when I was in need.

To everyone who has helped me in any way: I remember who you are, and I'll remember who you are for the rest of my life.

This is my sacred agreement with God and with everyone concerned. And so it is.

Michael Dickerson Deluno

First temp job offer

One of the temp agencies called me today to offer me my first temp job (other than substitute teaching). I had been beginning to wonder if any of them would ever have a job for me.

The job is 3 days per week for 6 weeks beginning July 18. Even though it’s only 3 days per week, they’re paying $18 per hour, so I’d be making the equivalent of almost $11 per hour for 40 hours. If you aren’t aware of wages in Santa Fe, that’s pretty good pay for here. I live in a place where we have notoriously low wages and high cost of living.

The job is assembling computers at the Los Alamos National Labs, so I'll have to get a security clearance. After all my anti-war activities in my youth, I don’t know if they’ll give me one or not. We’ll see.

I still need more work to come in – something right away and something for 2 more days per week if I get to do that job. I'm supposed to keep calling this agency every day. I'm also calling the other agencies regularly.

And I'm still looking for full-time possibilities. I put in for another job last Friday.

I keep knowing that whatever is right for me is coming soon.

Michael

My relationship with Antoinette

My relationship with Antoinette still has its ups and downs and ons and offs. Since yesterday evening it’s been in another of its offs. Every time she breaks up with me I think it’s the final time. Up to now it hasn’t been. Is this the last time?

She told me a couple of weeks ago that if I don’t have my work and money situation together by August 1, she was going to terminate our relationship. Last Wednesday she went to the first session of a group to “help her get out of the relationship.”

I understand her being dissatisfied with my financial struggles. I'm dissatisfied with them, too. I think I’ve been a little depressed about it lately – waking up really early in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep. I hate the insecurity of not having enough money for everything I need with some left over to play with. I hate not being able to pay back all the money people have loaned and given me yet. And I hate not being able to contribute to the people I care about and the ones who’ve helped me.

On the other hand, I have been taking steps to remedy the situation. It just hasn’t happened quickly enough to satisfy either one of us.

I wish she’d hang in there with me while I get myself stabilized financially, and that’s up to her to decide. She’s already been through a lot with me – health problems, my not being able to work, not getting work when I can work, car problems, housing problems, needing help financially – and she’s been incredibly supportive nearly all the time. That’s a lot. I acknowledge it, and I'm enormously grateful to her for it. This wasn’t what she thought she was signing up for when she got into our relationship. I feel extremely regretful about that. I want us to enjoy our lives together, not to be a burden on her. And I acknowledge that I have been a burden on her for too long.

I'm changing things in my life. I just don’t know if it will happen soon enough to make a difference to her.

I wonder what the spiritual significance of all of this is. I know there must be some kind of important lesson or karmic experience. I'm at a loss, though, regarding what it is. Perhaps I’ve been too focused on getting beyond it and moving on to a new experience to notice.

Michael

Creativity flowing

My creativity seems to be really flowing this weekend. I think it was constricted for a long time. I'm writing, creating business projects, thinking of new opportunities, and more. Today I FEEL like an actor and a writer. See my acting blog (http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com) and my writing blog (http://davidlancer.blogspot.com) for more about that.

And I FEEL like I'm prosperous, just waiting for the money to appear. I picked up an old penny from the ground this afternoon and said my usual thing that I do whenever I find money or money comes into my life in any way: “I am a money magnet. Thank You, God. Thank You, than You, thank You.” The difference this time was that I really FELT like it’s true. I AM a money magnet.

Do you want to come to the celebration?

Creatively,
Michael

Concierge benefits

There are some great benefits for being a concierge – and for dating one.

This past Thursday evening Antoinette and I went to the Santa Fe Playhouse to see Showtime Santa Fe’s “Partners in Rhyme: A Musical Revue of Cool Collaborators” for free. They gave her 2 tickets ($56 value), hoping, of course, that she would recommend the show to the guests at the Eldorado Hotel. We thoroughly enjoyed it, and I'm sure she is recommending it. It was a revue of songs for musical theater by composing duos Rodgers and Hammerstein, Comden and Green, Hoffman and Gasman, Kander and Ebb, Harnick and Bock, and Maltby and Shire. Don’t know who some of those composers are? We didn’t until they told us some of the productions they’ve composed music for. Look them up if you care.

Then Friday evening we ate dinner at the O’Keeffe Café (next door to the O’Keeffe Museum) using a $100 gift certificate they had given her. Our tab came to $98.36, and all we had to pay was a tip for the waiter. It was excellent.

Over the past 13 months since she started her job at the Eldorado, we’ve gone to quite a few great Santa Fe restaurants for free (except the tip) or at significant discounts, and we’ve attended some outstanding events (Maria Benitez Teatro Flamenco – both the adult company and the youth company, Santa Fe Chamber Music Festival, and Santa Fe Playhouse’s production of “Self-Made Men” immediately come to mind) also for free. We have other things coming up in the future, too.

I'm grateful to the businesses that have given her those opportunities, to the hotel for giving her a job that attracted the gifts, and, of course, to Antoinette for choosing to take me along with her.

Besides those gifts, Antoinette also gets to go to anywhere between 2 and 4 concierge-only parties each month. At those she gets free food (sometimes hors d’oeuvres, sometimes full meals) and to see galleries, take train rides, etc. At one of the parties she won a drawing for a $500 gift certificate at a Canyon Road shop called Nathalie’s.

I think being a concierge is a great job for benefits. Actually, I think it’s a great job on the whole. I applied for a job as a concierge at Bishop’s Lodge because of that. So far I haven’t heard anything from them, though.

Oh, I almost neglected to say that before we went to the O’Keeffe Café, we went to the free Friday evening at the O’Keeffe Museum and saw the “Georgia O’Keeffe and Andy Warhol: Flowers of Distinction” exhibit. I'm not especially an Andy Warhol fan, but I'm glad we went. I haven’t been to the O’Keeffe Museum since 1997 when I was here visiting and they were having their Grand Opening.

If Antoinette is generous enough to include me, there are more outstanding restaurants, activities, and events coming up. Santa Fe is a fabulous place for food and things to do. I'm looking forward to it.

Michael

News

I have good news, uncertain news, and not-so-good news. I wonder what it would be like to have only good news to report. I'm willing to find out.

Here’s the best news: I went to both the dentist and the urologist on Tuesday, June 14, and I got heartening reports from both of them. My emergency dental work is finished. Now I just need to get an exam and cleaning and see what else might need to be taken care of before it becomes another emergency. The urologist said that my prostate has shrunken significantly. Apparently the medication I'm taking is working. He also said that there’s research that suggests that this medication also reduces the chances that I'll get prostate cancer. So, I'm feeling great about my physical health.

I'm pleased with the way things are going with my acting career. I keep making progress. I shot a couple of days on the movie “Bordertown” with Jennifer Lopez and Martin Sheen last week. I'm writing a separate newsletter about that for anyone who wants to follow my acting career more closely. See http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com. If you’d like to receive that newsletter in your email, let me know and I'll put you on the list. By the way, the name I use for my acting career is Michael John Gabriel.

On Tuesday, May 31, I moved into the apartment that I found for the summer. I like it here. I only get to be here for another month and a half or so, but it’s great for now.

I'm renting another car from another friend with the option to buy it within 6 months. I'm relieved that I have a well-functioning car to get to work and wherever else I need to go. Six months of car problems is more than enough for me. All tolled, I lost somewhere in the vicinity of $1000 in income (and maybe more) from not being able to get to jobs that I was offered (or actually had) because I didn’t have a working car. The “maybe more” is because I might have been offered more days in “Into the West” and “Wildfire” if I had been able to make it to the calls I had to miss.

I reported before that I substitute taught at DeVargas Middle School for the end of the school year, replacing a social studies teacher who was out having a baby. That was an adventure. Kids in middle school in the Santa Fe School District aren’t like the kids I went to junior high school with all those years ago in Prairie Village, KS. (For the record and anyone who cares, it was Indian Hills Junior High School.) Most of them really didn’t want to be there. Of course, it was the end of the year, so that explains part of that. But regular teachers have told me that it’s true in general. It makes me question teaching. I really want to teach kids who want to learn, not ones who have no interest. Maybe I should be teaching advanced placement classes or electives like drama. It’s a challenge to even work with the kids who want to learn because the others are being so disruptive. I did get a bit attached to some of the kids after being with them for a couple of weeks, though. I felt sad the last day of school.

Kelly Services, which had the contract to handle substitute teacher assignments, pretty much guaranteed that I'd get summer jobs through them. So far I haven’t gotten one call from them, let alone a job. And I’ve been in to see them 5 or 6 times. This has undermined my impression of Kelly Services. I relied on them, and they didn’t come through. Not only that, they haven’t acknowledged that they haven’t kept their word or even communicated anything about it at all.

In the meantime, I’ve applied for several full and part-time jobs. I was interviewed for one of them, but then the person who was leaving the job decided to stay for a couple more months. At least that’s what they told me. We’ll see if the job is posted again before long or if I'm called for a second interview. I haven’t gotten interviews for any of the rest of them yet. There’s one that I’d particularly like to have. We’ll see what happens. I'm surprised at how many jobs I apply for that they never reply to me at all, not even to tell me they’ve hired someone else. When I was hiring people, I always let people know that I had received their application and that I had hired someone else.

I’ve been considering all kinds of jobs. That means that I'm also considering what’s really important to me. For example, is it really important that I like my work? Which is more important, liking my work or making a lot of money? Should I take a job that I’d be ashamed to tell people I was doing, even if I made a lot of money doing it? I haven’t resolved any of those questions satisfactorily.

I’ve also been considering 3 training programs: the teacher certification program, the film crew training program, and real estate sales classes. I have some interest in all 3 of those, and there are advantages to all of them. But each of them also has disadvantages. I wish I could use the standard of “what would I do if I didn’t need the money?” But I do need the money, so that clouds the issue for me.

I'm also applying to do temporary work with agencies other than Kelly Services. That will give me some income and lots of flexibility. I had an interview with Group Powell One Tuesday, and it went very well. They loved my test scores. We’ll see what comes of it. I had another interview yesterday with Santa Fe Services, and they loved me, too, and said they were immediately putting me into their computer. I had a third interview today with Excel Staffing. 3 for 3. They loved me, too, and want to use my availability in their advertising campaign. “This is the kind of temporary employee we have available.” The woman I talked with said I had the highest score on their computer test of anyone she’s seen. And I’ve learned that I type about 50 wpm with minimal errors. Marcia Owen Associates and Career First haven’t returned my calls yet following up on sending them my resume. That leaves me questioning their professionalism.

So, because I haven’t gotten the jobs through Kelly that I thought I would, money is still a major challenge for me. At the moment I'm writing this, my internet service has been turned off until I can pay my bill, and I don’t have money for rent. I'm eagerly looking forward to the time when money is no longer scarce in my life. That’s the reason making a lot of money is one of the considerations I have for jobs. I'm tired of living on the edge financially. I'm ready and eager to pay back the people who’ve helped me, to pay off all my debts, to contribute more to people and organizations, and to feel prosperous. When that comes about, then I'll just work for the joy and the contribution I make. I'll keep saying it: I have faith that I am naturally a magnet for money and that well-being and abundance are flowing into my life now. I know that all of my financial challenges are just temporary conditions and that I’m getting ready for something wonderful. I expect only the best. Thank You, God, in advance for the resources that I know are flowing to me now. (If you get tired of reading my saying that, you might want to check your own prosperity consciousness.)

I’d like to publicly express my enormous gratitude to Antoinette for all the help and support she has given me all along. She is an angel and deserves (and will receive) magnificent rewards.

As always, I wish all of you abundant happiness, health, love, inner peace, spiritual awakening, success, prosperity, and everything else that you desire.

Swimming in the flow of all abundance (no matter how it may appear in the moment),
Michael