Someone said that they think I'm a taker, a “mooch.” That concerns me because that isn’t my intention at all. Maybe it’s just their perception based on their unique history, and I want to respond to it anyway.
I’ve been in a period in which money has been a big challenge for me. That means that other things have also been a challenge for me because in this physical world nearly everything requires money. Consequently, I’ve made requests from people to help me in a variety of ways. Asking isn’t easy for me. I was coached to do so, though, and so I’ve stepped out on faith and asked. I still feel guilty and embarrassed about it, though. I prefer to be the giver rather than the receiver. If I could have lived my life in a way that I’ve always given and never needed any help, I’d be perfectly happy. Maybe being in a position that I’ve needed to request assistance and to accept it has been a spiritual lesson for me. I don’t know.
In the past I’ve sometimes been the one who was in a position to give with little coming back. Several examples: At one time I dated a woman who wasn’t making much money. She had a couple of kids, and her ex wasn’t coming through with child support. I paid for things we did together, and I also gave her money (at least $100) every month. I never asked for any of it back, even when she broke up with me. At other times I’ve let people stay at my house for free for as long as they needed to be there. One of those houses was a group house I lived in for a while where I don’t think there was a night when there weren’t extra people staying there. (That was the “old days” in Berkeley, and ours was a “crash pad.”) Another time I met a woman who was visiting some friends. She was sick and had little money, so I took her to the local inexpensive clinic and paid for her meds. I never received or asked for the money back even though I was a working student and didn’t have a whole lot of money, either. And finally, I can’t possibly count the number of people who I’ve helped move just because they needed the help, not for any reward.
I see that part of the issue is that I'm an old hippie who still carries some of the values from his hippie past. The ideal was “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” and “we’re all feeding each other” (as Wavy Gravy said at Woodstock – by the way, I met Wavy Gravy when I lived in Berkeley). I like being in the position that I can take care of (feed) anyone who has a need. I wish I had enough money to get everyone living on the streets into some kind of housing (if they want it, of course). On many more than one occasion, I’ve been called a “bleeding heart liberal.”
I belong to a group called “Santa Fe FreeCycle” that operates on the “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” principle. People ask for what they need and offer what they have. All transactions have to be gifts. I’ve given away several things and so far have received nothing from anyone in the group. I'm still willing to give what I can. I know that things return to us when we give what we have with an open hand and an open heart. They may not come back from the person we gave something to, but they come back from somewhere.
We (old hippies) also held the value of “paying it forward” long before that movie came out or the term was coined. Whenever someone did something for us or gave us something, we passed along the kindness to someone else to keep it moving. One day years ago I was in a pizza place, and a couple didn’t have enough money to pay for their pizza. I gave them the money. When he asked for my address to send it back to me, I said, “Just do something kind for someone else.” I still do that when I can.
Anyway, recently I’ve done my best to maintain a balance of giving and receiving, even though most of my giving hasn’t been financial. Whenever I made requests, I also made offers. For example, this paragraph is from the message I sent and posted on March 12: “I'm quite aware that I need to be in the flow of both giving and receiving. So, what can I do to contribute something to you? Can I pray for you? Can I do some kind of task that will make a difference to you? Limitations are that I need to be able to take a break or stop whenever I need to because of pain, that I can’t talk too much on the phone, and that it can’t be anything overly physical right now. Please let me know if there’s some way I can help you. I care about you and your well-being.”
Despite my financial difficulties, I’ve given things away – donations to Goodwill, a telephone and answering machine to a friend, a desk to a stranger who needed it, and more.
I’ve also given a lot of gratitude, though I admit that in a few cases I’ve neglected to say “thank you” to specific people for specific gifts in an appropriately timely manner. I think I’ve apologized to all of them and have expressed my gratitude.
With some people I’ve made trade arrangements. With one person I agreed to do work around the house in return for a place to stay. Then I did more than I was asked to do and was told that I did a better job than the owner would have done himself.
With another person I agreed to take care of her cats whenever needed for free forever in return for a place to stay. I think we were both satisfied with that arrangement at the time. Now I think it needs to be renegotiated, so I will.
Whenever I’ve stayed at anyone’s place, I’ve done my best not to overly impact their space. I’ve been quiet and considerate, tried to be noticed as little as possible, and have cleaned up after myself as well as I could.
When someone loaned me a car, I put more gas back in it than I used – not necessarily each time I drove it, but overall.
Whenever someone offered to pray for me, I’ve also prayed for them – and for other people I knew could use it.
With Antoinette I’ve done my best to be as helpful to her in every way I possibly could that didn’t involve money. When I have had a little money, I’ve contributed what I could. I'm way behind on repaying her because she’s given me so much and I’ve had so little, and I will catch up as quickly as I can.
With everyone, I’ve just written my plan for paying everyone back and contributing even more to them than they have to me.
That’s my intention – to always give more than I receive. I haven’t always been able to do that immediately. However, it’s always my intention to do so as soon as I'm able.
Given that, I'm open to the possibility that some people feel like I haven’t given enough back. If that’s true, then it’s probably because I haven’t been able to give back yet, and I will as soon as possible. If anyone feels like I’ve taken too much from you without offering enough in return, please let me know, and I'll do whatever I can to more than satisfy you as soon as I'm capable of doing that.
There are a few people who I know I need to talk with to complete something, and I'm beginning to do that now.
I'll finish this by stating my intention one last time. I intend to give back to everyone who has helped me more than I’ve received – either by giving you money or by doing something else for you that feels like a more than equivalent exchange. Just let me know what I can do for you.
And, of course, I also intend to pay your kindness forward.
Michael Dickerson Deluno
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
My plan
Antoinette says I often don’t communicate things, that I just think them. Sometimes she’s right. I have a lot going on in my head that never comes out in talk or on paper. It isn’t that I don’t want to communicate. I seldom make a decision not to communicate something. Sometimes it just doesn’t occur to me to put what I have in my mind out into the physical world. As I’ve said repeatedly, I am an introvert no matter how public my life may seem and no matter how easy it may appear for me to talk with people. Writing these messages is, in fact, an exercise in getting what’s in my thoughts out into physical form.
I have a plan for giving back everything that’s been loaned and given to me – and more. I usually think about this in conjunction with my fantasies of winning Powerball, but it isn’t something I'll do only if I win the lottery. It will just take longer and be less impressive than if I win many millions of dollars all at once. I know that significant amounts of money are coming to me somehow. I don’t know exactly for what or when, and I'm sure it will happen. Maybe I'll get a big part in a movie. Maybe I'll sell a screenplay to a major movie producer. Maybe I'll publish a best-selling book. Maybe all of those will be true. Or maybe something else will be. But whatever happens, whenever it happens, lots of other people will benefit.
I'll put this out as intentions because I know the power of intentions.
I AM a magnet for money, and I intend to bring in a large ongoing income and/or windfall of money.
I intend to contribute at least 10% of what comes to me to my spiritual teachers and nurturers – and there are many of them.
I intend to pay back everything I owe to anyone and more. For people who have loaned me money, I intend to return what they’ve loaned me plus interest plus a “gratitude bonus.”
I intend to contribute to people who’ve generously given me things – money, places to stay, food, and everything else. I'll give them significantly more than they gave me in gratitude for their unselfish generosity.
Here’s my specific plan for Antoinette. Scenario 1, if I suddenly come into a large sum of money (win Powerball, sell a screenplay, etc.): I intend to pay her back everything she’s loaned me plus interest. I intend to give her a large amount of money in gratitude for everything she’s done for me. I intend to pay for everything we share – food, movies, restaurants, plays, gasoline, travel, etc. – for the rest of our lives (unless she chooses to give me a gift occasionally). And I intend to buy her a condo of her choice. Then she can either live in it or rent it.
Scenario 2, if the money comes in over time: I intend to do everything I said in scenario 1 over time and as I'm able to do according to my income. I'm eager to do for her more than she’s done for me.
And the same is true for everyone who has been kind or helpful to me in any way at any time in my life. I'm eager to, and I intend to, give back more than they’ve given me.
Furthermore, I intend to pass the generosity along. That means that I'll give to people who are in need in gratitude for and in the name of the people who’ve given to me when I was in need.
To everyone who has helped me in any way: I remember who you are, and I'll remember who you are for the rest of my life.
This is my sacred agreement with God and with everyone concerned. And so it is.
Michael Dickerson Deluno
I have a plan for giving back everything that’s been loaned and given to me – and more. I usually think about this in conjunction with my fantasies of winning Powerball, but it isn’t something I'll do only if I win the lottery. It will just take longer and be less impressive than if I win many millions of dollars all at once. I know that significant amounts of money are coming to me somehow. I don’t know exactly for what or when, and I'm sure it will happen. Maybe I'll get a big part in a movie. Maybe I'll sell a screenplay to a major movie producer. Maybe I'll publish a best-selling book. Maybe all of those will be true. Or maybe something else will be. But whatever happens, whenever it happens, lots of other people will benefit.
I'll put this out as intentions because I know the power of intentions.
I AM a magnet for money, and I intend to bring in a large ongoing income and/or windfall of money.
I intend to contribute at least 10% of what comes to me to my spiritual teachers and nurturers – and there are many of them.
I intend to pay back everything I owe to anyone and more. For people who have loaned me money, I intend to return what they’ve loaned me plus interest plus a “gratitude bonus.”
I intend to contribute to people who’ve generously given me things – money, places to stay, food, and everything else. I'll give them significantly more than they gave me in gratitude for their unselfish generosity.
Here’s my specific plan for Antoinette. Scenario 1, if I suddenly come into a large sum of money (win Powerball, sell a screenplay, etc.): I intend to pay her back everything she’s loaned me plus interest. I intend to give her a large amount of money in gratitude for everything she’s done for me. I intend to pay for everything we share – food, movies, restaurants, plays, gasoline, travel, etc. – for the rest of our lives (unless she chooses to give me a gift occasionally). And I intend to buy her a condo of her choice. Then she can either live in it or rent it.
Scenario 2, if the money comes in over time: I intend to do everything I said in scenario 1 over time and as I'm able to do according to my income. I'm eager to do for her more than she’s done for me.
And the same is true for everyone who has been kind or helpful to me in any way at any time in my life. I'm eager to, and I intend to, give back more than they’ve given me.
Furthermore, I intend to pass the generosity along. That means that I'll give to people who are in need in gratitude for and in the name of the people who’ve given to me when I was in need.
To everyone who has helped me in any way: I remember who you are, and I'll remember who you are for the rest of my life.
This is my sacred agreement with God and with everyone concerned. And so it is.
Michael Dickerson Deluno
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
First temp job offer
One of the temp agencies called me today to offer me my first temp job (other than substitute teaching). I had been beginning to wonder if any of them would ever have a job for me.
The job is 3 days per week for 6 weeks beginning July 18. Even though it’s only 3 days per week, they’re paying $18 per hour, so I’d be making the equivalent of almost $11 per hour for 40 hours. If you aren’t aware of wages in Santa Fe, that’s pretty good pay for here. I live in a place where we have notoriously low wages and high cost of living.
The job is assembling computers at the Los Alamos National Labs, so I'll have to get a security clearance. After all my anti-war activities in my youth, I don’t know if they’ll give me one or not. We’ll see.
I still need more work to come in – something right away and something for 2 more days per week if I get to do that job. I'm supposed to keep calling this agency every day. I'm also calling the other agencies regularly.
And I'm still looking for full-time possibilities. I put in for another job last Friday.
I keep knowing that whatever is right for me is coming soon.
Michael
The job is 3 days per week for 6 weeks beginning July 18. Even though it’s only 3 days per week, they’re paying $18 per hour, so I’d be making the equivalent of almost $11 per hour for 40 hours. If you aren’t aware of wages in Santa Fe, that’s pretty good pay for here. I live in a place where we have notoriously low wages and high cost of living.
The job is assembling computers at the Los Alamos National Labs, so I'll have to get a security clearance. After all my anti-war activities in my youth, I don’t know if they’ll give me one or not. We’ll see.
I still need more work to come in – something right away and something for 2 more days per week if I get to do that job. I'm supposed to keep calling this agency every day. I'm also calling the other agencies regularly.
And I'm still looking for full-time possibilities. I put in for another job last Friday.
I keep knowing that whatever is right for me is coming soon.
Michael
My relationship with Antoinette
My relationship with Antoinette still has its ups and downs and ons and offs. Since yesterday evening it’s been in another of its offs. Every time she breaks up with me I think it’s the final time. Up to now it hasn’t been. Is this the last time?
She told me a couple of weeks ago that if I don’t have my work and money situation together by August 1, she was going to terminate our relationship. Last Wednesday she went to the first session of a group to “help her get out of the relationship.”
I understand her being dissatisfied with my financial struggles. I'm dissatisfied with them, too. I think I’ve been a little depressed about it lately – waking up really early in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep. I hate the insecurity of not having enough money for everything I need with some left over to play with. I hate not being able to pay back all the money people have loaned and given me yet. And I hate not being able to contribute to the people I care about and the ones who’ve helped me.
On the other hand, I have been taking steps to remedy the situation. It just hasn’t happened quickly enough to satisfy either one of us.
I wish she’d hang in there with me while I get myself stabilized financially, and that’s up to her to decide. She’s already been through a lot with me – health problems, my not being able to work, not getting work when I can work, car problems, housing problems, needing help financially – and she’s been incredibly supportive nearly all the time. That’s a lot. I acknowledge it, and I'm enormously grateful to her for it. This wasn’t what she thought she was signing up for when she got into our relationship. I feel extremely regretful about that. I want us to enjoy our lives together, not to be a burden on her. And I acknowledge that I have been a burden on her for too long.
I'm changing things in my life. I just don’t know if it will happen soon enough to make a difference to her.
I wonder what the spiritual significance of all of this is. I know there must be some kind of important lesson or karmic experience. I'm at a loss, though, regarding what it is. Perhaps I’ve been too focused on getting beyond it and moving on to a new experience to notice.
Michael
She told me a couple of weeks ago that if I don’t have my work and money situation together by August 1, she was going to terminate our relationship. Last Wednesday she went to the first session of a group to “help her get out of the relationship.”
I understand her being dissatisfied with my financial struggles. I'm dissatisfied with them, too. I think I’ve been a little depressed about it lately – waking up really early in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep. I hate the insecurity of not having enough money for everything I need with some left over to play with. I hate not being able to pay back all the money people have loaned and given me yet. And I hate not being able to contribute to the people I care about and the ones who’ve helped me.
On the other hand, I have been taking steps to remedy the situation. It just hasn’t happened quickly enough to satisfy either one of us.
I wish she’d hang in there with me while I get myself stabilized financially, and that’s up to her to decide. She’s already been through a lot with me – health problems, my not being able to work, not getting work when I can work, car problems, housing problems, needing help financially – and she’s been incredibly supportive nearly all the time. That’s a lot. I acknowledge it, and I'm enormously grateful to her for it. This wasn’t what she thought she was signing up for when she got into our relationship. I feel extremely regretful about that. I want us to enjoy our lives together, not to be a burden on her. And I acknowledge that I have been a burden on her for too long.
I'm changing things in my life. I just don’t know if it will happen soon enough to make a difference to her.
I wonder what the spiritual significance of all of this is. I know there must be some kind of important lesson or karmic experience. I'm at a loss, though, regarding what it is. Perhaps I’ve been too focused on getting beyond it and moving on to a new experience to notice.
Michael
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Creativity flowing
My creativity seems to be really flowing this weekend. I think it was constricted for a long time. I'm writing, creating business projects, thinking of new opportunities, and more. Today I FEEL like an actor and a writer. See my acting blog (http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com) and my writing blog (http://davidlancer.blogspot.com) for more about that.
And I FEEL like I'm prosperous, just waiting for the money to appear. I picked up an old penny from the ground this afternoon and said my usual thing that I do whenever I find money or money comes into my life in any way: “I am a money magnet. Thank You, God. Thank You, than You, thank You.” The difference this time was that I really FELT like it’s true. I AM a money magnet.
Do you want to come to the celebration?
Creatively,
Michael
And I FEEL like I'm prosperous, just waiting for the money to appear. I picked up an old penny from the ground this afternoon and said my usual thing that I do whenever I find money or money comes into my life in any way: “I am a money magnet. Thank You, God. Thank You, than You, thank You.” The difference this time was that I really FELT like it’s true. I AM a money magnet.
Do you want to come to the celebration?
Creatively,
Michael
Concierge benefits
There are some great benefits for being a concierge – and for dating one.
This past Thursday evening Antoinette and I went to the Santa Fe Playhouse to see Showtime Santa Fe’s “Partners in Rhyme: A Musical Revue of Cool Collaborators” for free. They gave her 2 tickets ($56 value), hoping, of course, that she would recommend the show to the guests at the Eldorado Hotel. We thoroughly enjoyed it, and I'm sure she is recommending it. It was a revue of songs for musical theater by composing duos Rodgers and Hammerstein, Comden and Green, Hoffman and Gasman, Kander and Ebb, Harnick and Bock, and Maltby and Shire. Don’t know who some of those composers are? We didn’t until they told us some of the productions they’ve composed music for. Look them up if you care.
Then Friday evening we ate dinner at the O’Keeffe Café (next door to the O’Keeffe Museum) using a $100 gift certificate they had given her. Our tab came to $98.36, and all we had to pay was a tip for the waiter. It was excellent.
Over the past 13 months since she started her job at the Eldorado, we’ve gone to quite a few great Santa Fe restaurants for free (except the tip) or at significant discounts, and we’ve attended some outstanding events (Maria Benitez Teatro Flamenco – both the adult company and the youth company, Santa Fe Chamber Music Festival, and Santa Fe Playhouse’s production of “Self-Made Men” immediately come to mind) also for free. We have other things coming up in the future, too.
I'm grateful to the businesses that have given her those opportunities, to the hotel for giving her a job that attracted the gifts, and, of course, to Antoinette for choosing to take me along with her.
Besides those gifts, Antoinette also gets to go to anywhere between 2 and 4 concierge-only parties each month. At those she gets free food (sometimes hors d’oeuvres, sometimes full meals) and to see galleries, take train rides, etc. At one of the parties she won a drawing for a $500 gift certificate at a Canyon Road shop called Nathalie’s.
I think being a concierge is a great job for benefits. Actually, I think it’s a great job on the whole. I applied for a job as a concierge at Bishop’s Lodge because of that. So far I haven’t heard anything from them, though.
Oh, I almost neglected to say that before we went to the O’Keeffe Café, we went to the free Friday evening at the O’Keeffe Museum and saw the “Georgia O’Keeffe and Andy Warhol: Flowers of Distinction” exhibit. I'm not especially an Andy Warhol fan, but I'm glad we went. I haven’t been to the O’Keeffe Museum since 1997 when I was here visiting and they were having their Grand Opening.
If Antoinette is generous enough to include me, there are more outstanding restaurants, activities, and events coming up. Santa Fe is a fabulous place for food and things to do. I'm looking forward to it.
Michael
This past Thursday evening Antoinette and I went to the Santa Fe Playhouse to see Showtime Santa Fe’s “Partners in Rhyme: A Musical Revue of Cool Collaborators” for free. They gave her 2 tickets ($56 value), hoping, of course, that she would recommend the show to the guests at the Eldorado Hotel. We thoroughly enjoyed it, and I'm sure she is recommending it. It was a revue of songs for musical theater by composing duos Rodgers and Hammerstein, Comden and Green, Hoffman and Gasman, Kander and Ebb, Harnick and Bock, and Maltby and Shire. Don’t know who some of those composers are? We didn’t until they told us some of the productions they’ve composed music for. Look them up if you care.
Then Friday evening we ate dinner at the O’Keeffe Café (next door to the O’Keeffe Museum) using a $100 gift certificate they had given her. Our tab came to $98.36, and all we had to pay was a tip for the waiter. It was excellent.
Over the past 13 months since she started her job at the Eldorado, we’ve gone to quite a few great Santa Fe restaurants for free (except the tip) or at significant discounts, and we’ve attended some outstanding events (Maria Benitez Teatro Flamenco – both the adult company and the youth company, Santa Fe Chamber Music Festival, and Santa Fe Playhouse’s production of “Self-Made Men” immediately come to mind) also for free. We have other things coming up in the future, too.
I'm grateful to the businesses that have given her those opportunities, to the hotel for giving her a job that attracted the gifts, and, of course, to Antoinette for choosing to take me along with her.
Besides those gifts, Antoinette also gets to go to anywhere between 2 and 4 concierge-only parties each month. At those she gets free food (sometimes hors d’oeuvres, sometimes full meals) and to see galleries, take train rides, etc. At one of the parties she won a drawing for a $500 gift certificate at a Canyon Road shop called Nathalie’s.
I think being a concierge is a great job for benefits. Actually, I think it’s a great job on the whole. I applied for a job as a concierge at Bishop’s Lodge because of that. So far I haven’t heard anything from them, though.
Oh, I almost neglected to say that before we went to the O’Keeffe Café, we went to the free Friday evening at the O’Keeffe Museum and saw the “Georgia O’Keeffe and Andy Warhol: Flowers of Distinction” exhibit. I'm not especially an Andy Warhol fan, but I'm glad we went. I haven’t been to the O’Keeffe Museum since 1997 when I was here visiting and they were having their Grand Opening.
If Antoinette is generous enough to include me, there are more outstanding restaurants, activities, and events coming up. Santa Fe is a fabulous place for food and things to do. I'm looking forward to it.
Michael
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