More than I thought

“I'm concerned about you,” they said. “You sound depressed,” they said.

“No, no,” I said, “I'm not depressed really. I'm only writing about what happens with some people who take Neurontin. I'm fine.”

Well, maybe I’ve been more depressed than I thought then. I'm still not terribly depressed, but ….

I have a lot of “good” reasons to be depressed. Chronic pain that’s sometimes intense. Recent break-up with a woman I love but just can’t get along with. Stress with early teen-aged students. Frustration with work and with pain interfering with doing my work. Money stress. Not to mention taking a medication that has a frequent side effect of causing depression.

And, of course, having a history of dysthymia (chronic minor depression) punctuated occasionally with major depressive episodes (nearly always at the end of relationships).

Most people who have trigeminal neuralgia like I do are given an antidepressant in addition to the other medications. That’s partly because Neurontin sometimes causes depression, partly because chronic pain causes depression, and partly because, for some reason, antidepressants help relieve the pain of TN.

However, I wasn’t given an antidepressant. I wasn’t even offered the option. Maybe my doctor didn’t know that it’s the usual thing to do.

There’s a relatively new antidepressant that’s being used routinely in TN cases. I’ve been out of the counseling field long enough that I hadn't even heard of it. It’s called Cymbalta, and it apparently doesn’t have most of the side effects of other antidepressants. It sounds like it’s worth a try.

And now I notice myself being more depressed than I thought I was. I’d say I'm moderately depressed.

How do I know? Well, I have a few symptoms:
1. Insomnia
2. Lack of motivation to do what I need to do
3. Staying cooped up in my apartment and not even getting dressed some days
4. Repetitively thinking about what I miss with Antoinette (my ex, for those of you who don’t know)
5. Low mood
6. Some suicidal thoughts – though nothing serious
7. Thinking about going someplace wonderful where everything will be better (though the place changes frequently … Australia is one of my favorites, however)
8. Wanting to find a woman who will make everything better (sometimes just someone to date; sometimes my soulmate)

I'm a bit compulsive and am having trouble stopping because I don’t think I’ve thought of all of them. I have to be complete.

And, on top of everything else, Christmas is coming, and I'm alone, and I hate being alone for Christmas. By alone, I mean without a romantic partner, not without people around me. In fact, I prefer to be away from the stress of being around most people. (Can you tell that I'm an introvert?) I just want someONE to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with.

Synchronicity … A commercial just came on TV about depression.

I need to talk with the doc about this. And I need to research Cymbalta.

Of course, I can’t let you know all of this. I can’t post this. I can’t send it to friends. It seems horribly shameful for me to be depressed. I imagine it will undermine anyone’s respect or caring for me. I imagine it will certainly undermine anyone’s respect for me professionally.

And, if I do let people see this, I imagine all I'll get is replies from people who have no understanding of depression at all. “Just think positively.” “Go help someone else.” “What are you doing to create this?” “It’ll be OK.” “You don’t seem depressed to me.” “Your thinking is causing your depression.” And, of course, there’s the one that I heard from my father repeatedly during my childhood, “Just laugh and be happy.” I know people want to help. But these kinds of reply don’t do that.

What kinds of things do help? Here are some examples:
1. I care.
2. What can I do to help?
3. I'm here for you.
4. I’ve been there. I’ve been depressed, too. I know how difficult it is.
5. It sounds like you’re feeling __. Is that right?
6. What are you doing to take care of yourself? (compassionately, not judgmentally)

I'm sure there are more.

So, I guess I'll post this. I keep reminding myself that some of the most famous and highly regarded people in the world had problems with depression. I just read an article about how Abraham Lincoln was depressed through most of his life, including while he was President. They tried to make the case that it actually helped him in his Presidency.

So, there you have it. Maybe I'm somehow more effective in life because I’ve experienced being depressed. Maybe … maybe it will even allow me to make a difference to someone else. And maybe I'll never know.

Michael

Blog of the week

I'm pleased to announce that the people at Care2 Connect voted my blog entry “R.I.P. Josh” the Blog of the Week Award.

Michael

Nothing I can do

In a few short hours a man will be murdered, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

This man has devoted the past 25 years to helping troubled kids, writing books for them and counseling them by phone, working to turn them away from gangs. Some say that he has saved the lives of 150,000 of them. For this he has been nominated 5 times for the Nobel Peace Prize and 4 times for the Nobel Prize in Literature.

This is a man who has made a difference.

But I know that he will be murdered, and I can do nothing about it.

You see, California state courts have assented to his murder. The Supreme Court has assented to his murder. Governor Schwarzenegger has assented to his murder. And there is no one left with the power to save him.

His crusade to turn kids away from gangs will end as he takes his last breath, the victim of a needle in his arm, the victim of a misguided conviction that murder prevents murder, the victim of a lust for vengeance.

This man, this human being, this person who has done such wonderful work to make up for the horrible things he once did will soon be murdered. And none of us can do anything about it.

Farewell to Stanley “Tookie” Williams. Farewell to his work. Farewell to saving all those kids. A murderer has you in his sights.

I wish I could do something about it.

I wish someone could do something about it.

Michael