Several people have written to me lately expressing concern because they haven’t heard from me for so long. Note that they think a month is a long time for me. It’s all relative. I suspect that there are other people who don’t think anything about it.
Anyway, here’s a quick update so anyone who is prone to worry won’t do that and so everyone will know the most significant things that have taken my time, attention, and energy over the past month.
First, I was called to work in “Comanche Moon,” the prequel to “Lonesome Dove.” It will be a miniseries (3 episodes, I think) on CBS and will be shown this fall (I’ve heard November). Between May 11 and this past Friday, June 2, I’ve worked 14 days on the film, 11 of them between 10 and 14 hours per day (which is usual in the film industry). Many days I’d get home, download e-mail and immediately fall into bed so I could sleep a few hours before I had to get up to make it to early morning (as early as 4:30 and usually around 5:30) calls. I have lots of interesting stories to tell. I’ll be writing more soon in my acting blog if you’d like to read about them. I’ll let you know when those entries are posted.
On weekdays I wasn’t working in the film, I substitute taught – until the school year ended on May 25. Imagine being a substitute teacher on the last day of school with 8th graders. They were bouncing off the walls and beyond ready to not be there any longer.
Early in May I learned that my apartment mate and his partner were planning to move in together the first of June, so I had to move, too. Consequently, I spent a lot of time looking for a place, packing, and, as my former wife would have said, schlepping all my stuff out of my old place and into my new one. The end of May was especially joyous when I worked in the film all day and then moved afterwards and, finally on May 31, put the last load in my car at 4 a.m. before I went to the set.
On top of all of that, my trigeminal neuralgia has returned. So, unfortunately, it was just in remission rather than healed. Fortunately, however, it isn’t as severe as it was the previous episodes. Nevertheless, it has interfered with living my life normally. It seems to be worst, for some reason, during the night. Consequently, it’s been waking me up and keeping me awake quite a bit. I’ve been losing a lot of sleep, as you can probably imagine.
There’s more, but this is enough for now. I’m sure you must get the idea why I haven’t been writing more lately.
Namaste,
Michael
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
This is intimacy
For many years I’ve shared my thoughts, feelings, and experiences with people, first via photocopied letters and newsletters and more recently, since I’ve become computer-enabled, via e-mail, journals, and blogs. From the beginning I’ve received some appreciative responses, some negative feedback, and enormous silence (no reply at all). Nevertheless, I’ve continued to write and to send my self-revelations on a more-or-less regular basis to family members, current friends, former friends, former lovers, people I’d like to get to know better, and anyone else who shows interest in reading them.
Lots of people have thought that my doing this is rather strange. I just put myself out there with no assurance of self-protection, reciprocity, or interest on the part of the reader. “Why?” I’ve been asked on many occasions. My reply has always been some form of, “because I want to provide all of you the opportunity to know who I really am; then you have the opportunity to either read what I say and to know me or not, as you choose.”
This morning I read something that I’d like to share with you. It is absolutely on target.
In his book Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch says there are “two ‘types’ of intimacy:
“Other-validated intimacy involves the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure. … This is what is often mistaken for intimacy per se. …
“Self-validated intimacy relies on a person maintaining his or her own sense of identity and self-worth when disclosing, with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity. … One’s capacity for self-validated intimacy is directly related to one’s level of differentiation; that is, one’s ability to maintain a clear sense of oneself when loved ones are pressuring for conforming and sameness. Self-validated intimacy is the tangible product of one’s ‘relationship with oneself.’ …
“Other-validated intimacy ‘sounds’ like this: ‘I’ll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself. … I’ll go first and then you’ll be obligated to disclose – it’s only fair. And if I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!’
“Self-validated intimacy … sounds quite different: ‘I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me – and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection – but I must face that possibility if I’m ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me.’ …
“If you are willing and able to show yourself ‘as you are’ and call things as you see them – unilaterally – [others are] less likely to silence you because you’re not asking for anything in return – only the chance to say what you feel. Such a relationship can remain intimate even in times of conflict – like when one of you wants less intimacy than the other. [People] who aren’t dependent on each other’s validation to feel okay about themselves fuel their [relationships] with their unique strengths rather than their mutual weaknesses.”
Yes, without knowing the concept, I have been practicing self-validating intimacy. Restating one of Schnarch’s statements so that it more accurately fits me, “I want to know that you at least have the opportunity to really know me.” It is my gift, both to you and to myself. If you appreciate it, I am blessed. If you aren’t interested, I regret it. Either way, I’ve at least taken a unilateral step, a self-validated step, in developing intimacy with you.
Some people believe, as Schnarch points out, that intimacy is necessarily reciprocal and obligatory. “If I reveal myself to you, then you must reveal yourself to me in similar measure. If I comment about your message, then you must comment about mine.” I don’t share that belief. I reveal myself to you because I want to be known intimately. If you feel moved to reveal yourself to me, I’m pleased, and I admit, our relationship becomes deeper and more immediate. If you don’t, then you are less intimate with me and our relationship is less intimate as a whole, but I am still intimate with you.
One of the objections that some people have had to my journal/letters (and now blogs) is that they aren’t written personally to them. This is, of course, true. I am revealing myself intimately, but not personally with anyone. However, what I write in my open messages are things that I want everyone to know. They are things that I don’t want to repeat over and over again with each of the people I know. So, they are, in part, a major timesaving method. I also do write personally to some of my friends (and possible future friends). I have the advantage of being able to talk to them about things that are more personal to them, knowing that they also have the information from and foundation provided by my journal/blogs. I can focus on what’s most important with this specific person without repeating what I’ve already said to other people.
One of my great disappointments is that I don’t have more time available to develop friendships with people. (I’ll write sometime about my difficulties with prioritizing and time management. This is a big part of the problem.) Consequently, I write generally to a lot of people, and I write personally to (and comment about the blogs of) some people more than others. I feel deep regret that I don’t even write to the people I feel closest with often enough. Right now more than a few people come to mind who I want to write to personally and it’s been too long. I’m sure some of you know who you are. There are also several people I’ve met online who I’d like to become closer with personally. I haven’t taken the time to do that yet. I feel sad that I’m not doing as much as I’d like to be closer with these people. I’m going to do something to change that. In the meantime, at least everyone has my blog/journal messages.
Namaste,
Michael
Lots of people have thought that my doing this is rather strange. I just put myself out there with no assurance of self-protection, reciprocity, or interest on the part of the reader. “Why?” I’ve been asked on many occasions. My reply has always been some form of, “because I want to provide all of you the opportunity to know who I really am; then you have the opportunity to either read what I say and to know me or not, as you choose.”
This morning I read something that I’d like to share with you. It is absolutely on target.
In his book Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch says there are “two ‘types’ of intimacy:
“Other-validated intimacy involves the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure. … This is what is often mistaken for intimacy per se. …
“Self-validated intimacy relies on a person maintaining his or her own sense of identity and self-worth when disclosing, with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity. … One’s capacity for self-validated intimacy is directly related to one’s level of differentiation; that is, one’s ability to maintain a clear sense of oneself when loved ones are pressuring for conforming and sameness. Self-validated intimacy is the tangible product of one’s ‘relationship with oneself.’ …
“Other-validated intimacy ‘sounds’ like this: ‘I’ll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself. … I’ll go first and then you’ll be obligated to disclose – it’s only fair. And if I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!’
“Self-validated intimacy … sounds quite different: ‘I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me – and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection – but I must face that possibility if I’m ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me.’ …
“If you are willing and able to show yourself ‘as you are’ and call things as you see them – unilaterally – [others are] less likely to silence you because you’re not asking for anything in return – only the chance to say what you feel. Such a relationship can remain intimate even in times of conflict – like when one of you wants less intimacy than the other. [People] who aren’t dependent on each other’s validation to feel okay about themselves fuel their [relationships] with their unique strengths rather than their mutual weaknesses.”
Yes, without knowing the concept, I have been practicing self-validating intimacy. Restating one of Schnarch’s statements so that it more accurately fits me, “I want to know that you at least have the opportunity to really know me.” It is my gift, both to you and to myself. If you appreciate it, I am blessed. If you aren’t interested, I regret it. Either way, I’ve at least taken a unilateral step, a self-validated step, in developing intimacy with you.
Some people believe, as Schnarch points out, that intimacy is necessarily reciprocal and obligatory. “If I reveal myself to you, then you must reveal yourself to me in similar measure. If I comment about your message, then you must comment about mine.” I don’t share that belief. I reveal myself to you because I want to be known intimately. If you feel moved to reveal yourself to me, I’m pleased, and I admit, our relationship becomes deeper and more immediate. If you don’t, then you are less intimate with me and our relationship is less intimate as a whole, but I am still intimate with you.
One of the objections that some people have had to my journal/letters (and now blogs) is that they aren’t written personally to them. This is, of course, true. I am revealing myself intimately, but not personally with anyone. However, what I write in my open messages are things that I want everyone to know. They are things that I don’t want to repeat over and over again with each of the people I know. So, they are, in part, a major timesaving method. I also do write personally to some of my friends (and possible future friends). I have the advantage of being able to talk to them about things that are more personal to them, knowing that they also have the information from and foundation provided by my journal/blogs. I can focus on what’s most important with this specific person without repeating what I’ve already said to other people.
One of my great disappointments is that I don’t have more time available to develop friendships with people. (I’ll write sometime about my difficulties with prioritizing and time management. This is a big part of the problem.) Consequently, I write generally to a lot of people, and I write personally to (and comment about the blogs of) some people more than others. I feel deep regret that I don’t even write to the people I feel closest with often enough. Right now more than a few people come to mind who I want to write to personally and it’s been too long. I’m sure some of you know who you are. There are also several people I’ve met online who I’d like to become closer with personally. I haven’t taken the time to do that yet. I feel sad that I’m not doing as much as I’d like to be closer with these people. I’m going to do something to change that. In the meantime, at least everyone has my blog/journal messages.
Namaste,
Michael
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
More about friendship
I’ve been continuing to delve into what I consider the core of friendship since I wrote my last blog entry (the one called “Are you my friend?”). I appreciate the people I know (or am getting to know) who have helped me with that and the authors who have written things I’ve found valuable.
Here are 10 more characteristics of what I mean by friendship, stated as how I intend to act with friends:
1. I do my best not to have too many standards for my friends to live up to. Any of you who is my friend is my friend no matter what – even if you don’t consider me to be your friend – except in the most unusual of cases. For example, I rarely hear anything from some of the people I consider my closest friends – and I haven’t since I left the Seattle area. Nevertheless, I trust that when I visit wherever they are, we will still be close. I’ll remember to write soon about what my boundaries are – what would lead me to choose to let go of a friendship.
2. I do my best to give my friends the benefit of the doubt. If, for example, I don’t hear from someone for a long time, I assume there must be a good reason for that from their point of view. And I do my best not to take it personally. If, for another example, a friend snaps at me (or does anything else occasionally that’s a way I don’t appreciate being treated), I do my best to wonder what’s going on with her/him and to be supportive instead of judging him/her for it or taking it personally.
3. Relevant to the example in #1, I will continue to be a friend to my friends even through times of separation. In one case a friend and I went a number of years without contact of any kind. I considered that person to be my friend all through our time of separation. Then we got in touch and picked up our friendship as if there had been no lapse in our contact.
4. I do my best to accept my friends as they are and not to demand that they change to suit me. I have friends of different religions, different political persuasions, and other different (than mine) ways of thinking. I have friends who choose different ways of being in the world than I do. I have friends who don’t give me the attention I wish they would. And I have friends who act in many other ways that I would prefer be other than they are. None of that matters. They’re still my friends. I appreciate about them whatever I possibly can and accept the rest. (Of course, there are limits to what people can do without my letting go of the friendship. As I said, I’ll write soon about my boundaries. As a preview, though, they’re all pretty serious things – things like intentionally hurting people and being a racist.)
5. I want to emphasize one of the things that I mentioned in the previous item. One friend suggested that she believes that friendship needs to be mutual, if not equal. I don’t share that belief. I have friends who don’t consider me to be their friend and who don’t act in any way that I would consider friendly (though I don’t mean they act in unfriendly ways, either). Nevertheless, they are my friends, and I will be there for them if it’s ever needed. I continue to communicate with them as I would with any friend who reciprocates. If they ask me to stop communicating, I do, but I still hold them in my heart. If they ever change their minds and want to be closer again, I’ll celebrate that.
6. If I prefer that a friend changes in any way, I do my best to make a request rather than a demand. (Requests are questions and will take no for an answer; demands are, well, demands and won’t take no for an answer.) I also don’t just assume that they’ll know that they “should” change. For example, if I want a friend to call me because I’ve been making all the calls, I’ll ask her/him to call me next time. I won’t demand that he/she calls me, and I won’t assume that any real friend would know that she/he “should” make the next call.
7. I never make threats to terminate a relationship unless I’ve requested changes, I’ve communicated with the friend about the issue quite a bit (whether she/he will communicate about it or not), it’s a violation of a boundary, and I’m very serious about it. Once again, look forward to my post about boundaries. However, I may back off on how close I am with a particular friend in less serious cases. In those cases, I’m still open to becoming closer again if things change in a way that works for both of us.
8. I do my best to never use any of what John Gottman, Ph.D., calls “the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (behaviors that predict failure of a relationship when used consistently) and certainly not to use them more than occasionally. They are criticism (attacking a person as opposed to complaining about a behavior), contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (refusing to communicate or avoiding communicating).
9. I do my best not to project onto my friends. In other words, I do my best not to imagine or assume anything about them or to think I know what’s right for them. Instead, I ask them.
10. I do my best not to make agreements I don’t fully intend to keep and to keep agreements once I’ve made them. If I can’t keep an agreement, I do my best to acknowledge it and renegotiate as quickly as possible. This refers to agreements I’ve actually made, not to assumed agreements. I don’t make agreements without clearly stating them as agreements.
I’ve stated a lot of these as “I do my best to” because I admit that occasionally I go unconscious (I don’t mean “pass out”) and violate them. However, it’s my intention to do them whenever I’m able to be aware enough to do them. I’m not perfect yet and may never be.
I also acknowledge that I don’t always meet all the criteria of friendship I listed in my previous post on friendship with all of my friends. In fact, I don’t meet all of them with anyone all the time. I didn’t mean them as ways to judge myself or anyone else.
This could end up being a series that goes on for a very long time. I think I have a lot to write about friendship. It’s an important issue for me and one I’ve experienced a lot of frustration and disappointment with through my life. I’m also very aware that it’s an area in which I want to make some changes. More about that later.
Namaste,
Michael
Here are 10 more characteristics of what I mean by friendship, stated as how I intend to act with friends:
1. I do my best not to have too many standards for my friends to live up to. Any of you who is my friend is my friend no matter what – even if you don’t consider me to be your friend – except in the most unusual of cases. For example, I rarely hear anything from some of the people I consider my closest friends – and I haven’t since I left the Seattle area. Nevertheless, I trust that when I visit wherever they are, we will still be close. I’ll remember to write soon about what my boundaries are – what would lead me to choose to let go of a friendship.
2. I do my best to give my friends the benefit of the doubt. If, for example, I don’t hear from someone for a long time, I assume there must be a good reason for that from their point of view. And I do my best not to take it personally. If, for another example, a friend snaps at me (or does anything else occasionally that’s a way I don’t appreciate being treated), I do my best to wonder what’s going on with her/him and to be supportive instead of judging him/her for it or taking it personally.
3. Relevant to the example in #1, I will continue to be a friend to my friends even through times of separation. In one case a friend and I went a number of years without contact of any kind. I considered that person to be my friend all through our time of separation. Then we got in touch and picked up our friendship as if there had been no lapse in our contact.
4. I do my best to accept my friends as they are and not to demand that they change to suit me. I have friends of different religions, different political persuasions, and other different (than mine) ways of thinking. I have friends who choose different ways of being in the world than I do. I have friends who don’t give me the attention I wish they would. And I have friends who act in many other ways that I would prefer be other than they are. None of that matters. They’re still my friends. I appreciate about them whatever I possibly can and accept the rest. (Of course, there are limits to what people can do without my letting go of the friendship. As I said, I’ll write soon about my boundaries. As a preview, though, they’re all pretty serious things – things like intentionally hurting people and being a racist.)
5. I want to emphasize one of the things that I mentioned in the previous item. One friend suggested that she believes that friendship needs to be mutual, if not equal. I don’t share that belief. I have friends who don’t consider me to be their friend and who don’t act in any way that I would consider friendly (though I don’t mean they act in unfriendly ways, either). Nevertheless, they are my friends, and I will be there for them if it’s ever needed. I continue to communicate with them as I would with any friend who reciprocates. If they ask me to stop communicating, I do, but I still hold them in my heart. If they ever change their minds and want to be closer again, I’ll celebrate that.
6. If I prefer that a friend changes in any way, I do my best to make a request rather than a demand. (Requests are questions and will take no for an answer; demands are, well, demands and won’t take no for an answer.) I also don’t just assume that they’ll know that they “should” change. For example, if I want a friend to call me because I’ve been making all the calls, I’ll ask her/him to call me next time. I won’t demand that he/she calls me, and I won’t assume that any real friend would know that she/he “should” make the next call.
7. I never make threats to terminate a relationship unless I’ve requested changes, I’ve communicated with the friend about the issue quite a bit (whether she/he will communicate about it or not), it’s a violation of a boundary, and I’m very serious about it. Once again, look forward to my post about boundaries. However, I may back off on how close I am with a particular friend in less serious cases. In those cases, I’m still open to becoming closer again if things change in a way that works for both of us.
8. I do my best to never use any of what John Gottman, Ph.D., calls “the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (behaviors that predict failure of a relationship when used consistently) and certainly not to use them more than occasionally. They are criticism (attacking a person as opposed to complaining about a behavior), contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (refusing to communicate or avoiding communicating).
9. I do my best not to project onto my friends. In other words, I do my best not to imagine or assume anything about them or to think I know what’s right for them. Instead, I ask them.
10. I do my best not to make agreements I don’t fully intend to keep and to keep agreements once I’ve made them. If I can’t keep an agreement, I do my best to acknowledge it and renegotiate as quickly as possible. This refers to agreements I’ve actually made, not to assumed agreements. I don’t make agreements without clearly stating them as agreements.
I’ve stated a lot of these as “I do my best to” because I admit that occasionally I go unconscious (I don’t mean “pass out”) and violate them. However, it’s my intention to do them whenever I’m able to be aware enough to do them. I’m not perfect yet and may never be.
I also acknowledge that I don’t always meet all the criteria of friendship I listed in my previous post on friendship with all of my friends. In fact, I don’t meet all of them with anyone all the time. I didn’t mean them as ways to judge myself or anyone else.
This could end up being a series that goes on for a very long time. I think I have a lot to write about friendship. It’s an important issue for me and one I’ve experienced a lot of frustration and disappointment with through my life. I’m also very aware that it’s an area in which I want to make some changes. More about that later.
Namaste,
Michael
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Who are my friends?
Who are my friends? Who are your friends? Am I your friend? Are you mine?
Even more to the point, what is a friend?
For many years I’ve chuckled to myself about how loosely some people use the term “friend.” For example, I think of an entertainer who called to the stage “my good friend” whoever. Yet I knew that the likelihood was that they rarely, if ever, spent time together other than professionally – if that. And I think of all the fraternity “brothers,” some of whom didn’t like each other and were incredibly judgmental about each other.
Now we have the internet and burgeoning opportunities to make “friends.” Instant messengers all have friend or buddy lists. Sites like Yahoo 360, Care 2, Live Journal, and My Space all have friend lists. We have our friends from our online groups. We have the friends we’ve met through online dating sites. And so on and on. Some of us have huge numbers of people we’ve met in any number of ways online whom we call friends.
But are these people really our friends? Or is the term just being used loosely?
For that matter, how many of the people we know in person are really our friends?
And does this issue make any difference at all? Am I just quibbling about semantics (as I’ve been accused of many times when I explore the meanings of words)?
It became a meaningful issue to me recently when I had some occasions to invite people to treat me like a friend. Some did. I felt pleased. Some didn’t. I felt disappointed. One, in particular, who claimed to be my friend actually treated me more like an enemy. I felt stunned and hurt.
So, at that moment, I began to care very much what a friend really is and who my friends really are.
Besides, as many of you know, I do like to explore the meanings of words. I admit that. I don’t believe there is any such thing as JUST semantics. Our ability to communicate depends in part on the meaning of words and on our sharing, or at least understanding, each other’s meanings.
And, furthermore, the meaning we give to the words we use gives an enormous insight into our worldview and how we structure our reality. In other words, I believe it’s a doorway to truly knowing each other at depth. How we use the word “friend” certainly is an example of that.
So, I’d like to give you an insight into my worldview by telling you how I use the term “friend.”
In my opinion, there are at least 4 types (or levels) of friendship. The types aren’t really discrete, but are more like points along a continuum. They are:
1. Friendly strangers: These are people we don’t really know, but who treat us in friendly ways. An example for me is the man I’d never seen before who pointed out to me that one of my tires was almost flat and offered to help me change it.
2. Acquaintances: These are people we’ve met in some way (in person or online) but with whom we’ve had little in-depth conversation. We probably haven’t spent much (if any) social time with acquaintances. We probably don’t know much beyond surface-level information about our acquaintances. Many of our online friends are, in my terminology, acquaintances.
3. Friends: These are the people we know more, who we’re more involved with, and who we can rely on to be part of our support system.
4. Close friends: These are the people who are in our lives a lot. We know quite a bit about each other, some of it information that not many people know. Their being part of our support system isn’t even at question; they’re on our side without a doubt.
Furthermore, as I use the term “friend,” I may be your friend even if you aren’t mine, or vice versa. Friendship isn’t necessarily mutual. Similarly, one of us can be a closer friend to the other than the other is to the first. There are quite a few people in my life who I consider friends and treat that way who don’t return similar treatment. I don’t know what some of them think and feel about me, to be honest. I’m still their friend no matter what. I’m open with them, and they can rely on me as part of their support system. Most of my former romantic partners are in this category.
That’s usually the way it is for me with friends. Once someone is a friend (including the very close kind of friendship involved in being my romantic partner), I rarely ever stop thinking of him or her as my friend and treating her or him that way. It takes a lot, repeated over time (or something very antagonistic), for me to let go of friendships. Forms of relationships may change, degrees of closeness may change, but, for me at least, the content, the friendship, remains. I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t seem to understand this – or to agree with it.
Following are some of the characteristics I believe define friendships and determine how close of a friend a person is (that is, at which level, or point along the continuum, they are). Degree of friendship depends on how all of these factors add up. Note that this description is a work in progress and that I may add to it or delete something from it as my awareness expands.
1. The amount of time we choose to spend together and the number of shared experiences we choose to have together. Usually I’m closer with someone I spend many evenings with than with someone I only spend an occasional evening with (assuming they both live in Santa Fe). Similarly, how often I talk with someone about social and personal topics in person, on the phone, via IM, or via e-mail exchange is a measure of how close I feel to the person as a friend.
If someone even registers on my friendship scale (as a friend or more; in some cases even as an acquaintance I feel friendly toward), I send him or her my winter holiday greeting – or I would if I knew where to send it. If I don’t make at least that much effort at contact (or if I wouldn’t if I knew how), then I wouldn’t call the person a friend. (This, of course, assumes that I send a holiday greeting at all – and I haven’t every year.)
2. The more other holiday greetings I send a person and whether or not I send her or him a birthday greeting (if I know his or her birth date) are less-than-perfect indicators of how close I feel to her or him.
3. Whether I invite the person to parties or social gatherings I might have (which are rare), whether they come if invited, whether they invite me to theirs, and whether I go to theirs (which is a big deal considering I’m an introvert and not real fond of parties) are all indicators of how close I feel to someone.
4. Here’s one that’s very telling: If a person visits Santa Fe, how do I respond? The closer I feel, the more I’ll go out of my way to spend time with her or him and the more likely I’ll provide a place for him or her to stay (or help her or him to find a place to stay). With close friends, I may even issue invitations to visit. Similarly, the closer we are, the more likely I‘ll hope he or she might do those things with me if I visit wherever she or he lives.
5. The closer we are as friends, the more we’ll be open and self-revealing with each other. In other words, the more emotional intimacy there will be in our relationship. Of course, I tend to be pretty open and self-revealing with everyone, so this isn’t as significant for me as it is for some people. It is a sign of my inviting friendship with acquaintances and closer friendship with friends, though. However, there are still things I’ll tell people I’m closer with that I won’t tell others.
6. Because we’ve been more open with each other, the closer we are, the more secrets we know about each other. Real friends keep those secrets sacred no matter what. Actually, honorable people will keep secrets, no matter how close they are to the person with the secret. But the closer we are, the more I’ll trust someone to keep my secrets. One of the reasons I always feel like I’m the friend of someone I’ve ever been really close with is because I know some significant secrets about that person and will always keep those secrets safe for him or her. I hope she or he will do the same for me.
7. The closer we are with each other, the more likely we are to read each other’s blogs, journals, or group messages and to reply to them or comment on them. I choose whose blog entries to read based on how close I feel with that person – or how close I’d like to feel with him or her.
8. The closer we are as friends, the more we can count on each other’s emotional support. We can count on the other person to be on our side, to be our ally, to encourage us rather than to discourage us regarding our self-exploration, growth, awakening, relationships, goals, dreams, intentions, desires, and spiritual mission. They will be genuinely on our side. In other words, they’ll give us the feedback and the encouragement that’s truly in our best interests rather than what we might want to hear that isn’t really in our best interests. For example, a real friend will participate in an intervention with someone who is actively alcoholic rather than letting her or him continue to wreck lives with his or her drinking. A false friend might say, “Oh, you don’t have a problem. Here, have another drink.”
9. The more we’re friends with each other, the more we’ll accept and honor each other’s messages no matter what they are. I may not agree with what he or she says. I may not reply. But I don’t object to receiving them. I’ll allow that person to communicate anything he or she wants to communicate – jokes, anecdotes, political messages, petitions, or whatever. If it’s important to the person to send those messages to me, the more we’re really friends, the more I’ll respect that.
10. Real friends deal with differences directly, honestly, respectfully, and gently rather than by avoiding, triangulating (going to a third person hoping that person will confront the one we have the complaint about), or using attacks (criticism, contempt, blaming, etc.). Enemies will try to hurt the person they have complaints about – for example, get the person thrown out of a group, expose sensitive secrets that will hurt him or her, or hit her or him.
11. The closer we are as friends, the more likely we are to help each other whenever it’s truly needed. I would get up out of bed in the middle of the night to go help a close friend whose car has broken down. I would loan or give a friend money when it’s needed and there’s a good reason for his or her needing it.
12. When we’re with each other in person, the closer we are as friends, the more I’ll touch – hugs, brief touches in passing, arms around each other, etc. I admit that I’m gender-biased about touching. I touch my women friends a lot more and in a lot more different ways than I do my men friends. And I’m not talking about sexual touching. (And my real friends won’t judge me harshly for that.)
So, there you have it. What do you think? What would you add? What would you delete? What would you modify? As I said before, I may modify this statement as I become more aware and learn more.
And now, given what I’ve written, or using your own definition if you prefer, am I your friend?
This is the first in a series that I’ll be writing on friendship. My next post in the series will be about what kinds of values and interests I look for in friends. Later I’ll be writing posts specifically about some of my friends – who they are and why they’re my friends – and about some of the people I’d like to be closer with as friends.
Namaste,
Michael
Even more to the point, what is a friend?
For many years I’ve chuckled to myself about how loosely some people use the term “friend.” For example, I think of an entertainer who called to the stage “my good friend” whoever. Yet I knew that the likelihood was that they rarely, if ever, spent time together other than professionally – if that. And I think of all the fraternity “brothers,” some of whom didn’t like each other and were incredibly judgmental about each other.
Now we have the internet and burgeoning opportunities to make “friends.” Instant messengers all have friend or buddy lists. Sites like Yahoo 360, Care 2, Live Journal, and My Space all have friend lists. We have our friends from our online groups. We have the friends we’ve met through online dating sites. And so on and on. Some of us have huge numbers of people we’ve met in any number of ways online whom we call friends.
But are these people really our friends? Or is the term just being used loosely?
For that matter, how many of the people we know in person are really our friends?
And does this issue make any difference at all? Am I just quibbling about semantics (as I’ve been accused of many times when I explore the meanings of words)?
It became a meaningful issue to me recently when I had some occasions to invite people to treat me like a friend. Some did. I felt pleased. Some didn’t. I felt disappointed. One, in particular, who claimed to be my friend actually treated me more like an enemy. I felt stunned and hurt.
So, at that moment, I began to care very much what a friend really is and who my friends really are.
Besides, as many of you know, I do like to explore the meanings of words. I admit that. I don’t believe there is any such thing as JUST semantics. Our ability to communicate depends in part on the meaning of words and on our sharing, or at least understanding, each other’s meanings.
And, furthermore, the meaning we give to the words we use gives an enormous insight into our worldview and how we structure our reality. In other words, I believe it’s a doorway to truly knowing each other at depth. How we use the word “friend” certainly is an example of that.
So, I’d like to give you an insight into my worldview by telling you how I use the term “friend.”
In my opinion, there are at least 4 types (or levels) of friendship. The types aren’t really discrete, but are more like points along a continuum. They are:
1. Friendly strangers: These are people we don’t really know, but who treat us in friendly ways. An example for me is the man I’d never seen before who pointed out to me that one of my tires was almost flat and offered to help me change it.
2. Acquaintances: These are people we’ve met in some way (in person or online) but with whom we’ve had little in-depth conversation. We probably haven’t spent much (if any) social time with acquaintances. We probably don’t know much beyond surface-level information about our acquaintances. Many of our online friends are, in my terminology, acquaintances.
3. Friends: These are the people we know more, who we’re more involved with, and who we can rely on to be part of our support system.
4. Close friends: These are the people who are in our lives a lot. We know quite a bit about each other, some of it information that not many people know. Their being part of our support system isn’t even at question; they’re on our side without a doubt.
Furthermore, as I use the term “friend,” I may be your friend even if you aren’t mine, or vice versa. Friendship isn’t necessarily mutual. Similarly, one of us can be a closer friend to the other than the other is to the first. There are quite a few people in my life who I consider friends and treat that way who don’t return similar treatment. I don’t know what some of them think and feel about me, to be honest. I’m still their friend no matter what. I’m open with them, and they can rely on me as part of their support system. Most of my former romantic partners are in this category.
That’s usually the way it is for me with friends. Once someone is a friend (including the very close kind of friendship involved in being my romantic partner), I rarely ever stop thinking of him or her as my friend and treating her or him that way. It takes a lot, repeated over time (or something very antagonistic), for me to let go of friendships. Forms of relationships may change, degrees of closeness may change, but, for me at least, the content, the friendship, remains. I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t seem to understand this – or to agree with it.
Following are some of the characteristics I believe define friendships and determine how close of a friend a person is (that is, at which level, or point along the continuum, they are). Degree of friendship depends on how all of these factors add up. Note that this description is a work in progress and that I may add to it or delete something from it as my awareness expands.
1. The amount of time we choose to spend together and the number of shared experiences we choose to have together. Usually I’m closer with someone I spend many evenings with than with someone I only spend an occasional evening with (assuming they both live in Santa Fe). Similarly, how often I talk with someone about social and personal topics in person, on the phone, via IM, or via e-mail exchange is a measure of how close I feel to the person as a friend.
If someone even registers on my friendship scale (as a friend or more; in some cases even as an acquaintance I feel friendly toward), I send him or her my winter holiday greeting – or I would if I knew where to send it. If I don’t make at least that much effort at contact (or if I wouldn’t if I knew how), then I wouldn’t call the person a friend. (This, of course, assumes that I send a holiday greeting at all – and I haven’t every year.)
2. The more other holiday greetings I send a person and whether or not I send her or him a birthday greeting (if I know his or her birth date) are less-than-perfect indicators of how close I feel to her or him.
3. Whether I invite the person to parties or social gatherings I might have (which are rare), whether they come if invited, whether they invite me to theirs, and whether I go to theirs (which is a big deal considering I’m an introvert and not real fond of parties) are all indicators of how close I feel to someone.
4. Here’s one that’s very telling: If a person visits Santa Fe, how do I respond? The closer I feel, the more I’ll go out of my way to spend time with her or him and the more likely I’ll provide a place for him or her to stay (or help her or him to find a place to stay). With close friends, I may even issue invitations to visit. Similarly, the closer we are, the more likely I‘ll hope he or she might do those things with me if I visit wherever she or he lives.
5. The closer we are as friends, the more we’ll be open and self-revealing with each other. In other words, the more emotional intimacy there will be in our relationship. Of course, I tend to be pretty open and self-revealing with everyone, so this isn’t as significant for me as it is for some people. It is a sign of my inviting friendship with acquaintances and closer friendship with friends, though. However, there are still things I’ll tell people I’m closer with that I won’t tell others.
6. Because we’ve been more open with each other, the closer we are, the more secrets we know about each other. Real friends keep those secrets sacred no matter what. Actually, honorable people will keep secrets, no matter how close they are to the person with the secret. But the closer we are, the more I’ll trust someone to keep my secrets. One of the reasons I always feel like I’m the friend of someone I’ve ever been really close with is because I know some significant secrets about that person and will always keep those secrets safe for him or her. I hope she or he will do the same for me.
7. The closer we are with each other, the more likely we are to read each other’s blogs, journals, or group messages and to reply to them or comment on them. I choose whose blog entries to read based on how close I feel with that person – or how close I’d like to feel with him or her.
8. The closer we are as friends, the more we can count on each other’s emotional support. We can count on the other person to be on our side, to be our ally, to encourage us rather than to discourage us regarding our self-exploration, growth, awakening, relationships, goals, dreams, intentions, desires, and spiritual mission. They will be genuinely on our side. In other words, they’ll give us the feedback and the encouragement that’s truly in our best interests rather than what we might want to hear that isn’t really in our best interests. For example, a real friend will participate in an intervention with someone who is actively alcoholic rather than letting her or him continue to wreck lives with his or her drinking. A false friend might say, “Oh, you don’t have a problem. Here, have another drink.”
9. The more we’re friends with each other, the more we’ll accept and honor each other’s messages no matter what they are. I may not agree with what he or she says. I may not reply. But I don’t object to receiving them. I’ll allow that person to communicate anything he or she wants to communicate – jokes, anecdotes, political messages, petitions, or whatever. If it’s important to the person to send those messages to me, the more we’re really friends, the more I’ll respect that.
10. Real friends deal with differences directly, honestly, respectfully, and gently rather than by avoiding, triangulating (going to a third person hoping that person will confront the one we have the complaint about), or using attacks (criticism, contempt, blaming, etc.). Enemies will try to hurt the person they have complaints about – for example, get the person thrown out of a group, expose sensitive secrets that will hurt him or her, or hit her or him.
11. The closer we are as friends, the more likely we are to help each other whenever it’s truly needed. I would get up out of bed in the middle of the night to go help a close friend whose car has broken down. I would loan or give a friend money when it’s needed and there’s a good reason for his or her needing it.
12. When we’re with each other in person, the closer we are as friends, the more I’ll touch – hugs, brief touches in passing, arms around each other, etc. I admit that I’m gender-biased about touching. I touch my women friends a lot more and in a lot more different ways than I do my men friends. And I’m not talking about sexual touching. (And my real friends won’t judge me harshly for that.)
So, there you have it. What do you think? What would you add? What would you delete? What would you modify? As I said before, I may modify this statement as I become more aware and learn more.
And now, given what I’ve written, or using your own definition if you prefer, am I your friend?
This is the first in a series that I’ll be writing on friendship. My next post in the series will be about what kinds of values and interests I look for in friends. Later I’ll be writing posts specifically about some of my friends – who they are and why they’re my friends – and about some of the people I’d like to be closer with as friends.
Namaste,
Michael
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Fear or love
I think it was a mistake to tell you awhile back that I rarely post things other people have written. I’m discovering that that rule boxes me in too much.
Here’s something that I like a lot from Rhonda Britten’s book Fearless Loving. I’ll tell you more about what it means to me in another post.
Fear tells you to hide your true self.
Love tells you to stand up and shine.
Fear wants perfection.
Love is perfect despite appearances.
Fear tells you being right is the way to stay safe.
Love knows safety is an illusion.
Fear argues for your limitations.
Love takes a stand for your greatness.
Fear wants more.
Love knows there is always enough.
Fear thinks pain is a weakness.
Love sees pain as an opening.
Fear wants guarantees.
Love wouldn’t ask for guarantees.
Fear tells you to protect yourself.
Love tells you to be vulnerable.
Fear wants to know why.
Love wants to know how.
Fear wants to confine.
Love wants to let go.
Fear wants to hold on.
Love wants to surrender.
Fear wants to be wanted.
Love knows it is wanted.
Fear judges.
Love accepts.
Fear tells you to sacrifice.
Love tells you it’s a gift.
What do you think? Does this speak to you? Are you noticing any insights? Or do you think this is complete balderdash?
Namaste,
Michael
Here’s something that I like a lot from Rhonda Britten’s book Fearless Loving. I’ll tell you more about what it means to me in another post.
Fear tells you to hide your true self.
Love tells you to stand up and shine.
Fear wants perfection.
Love is perfect despite appearances.
Fear tells you being right is the way to stay safe.
Love knows safety is an illusion.
Fear argues for your limitations.
Love takes a stand for your greatness.
Fear wants more.
Love knows there is always enough.
Fear thinks pain is a weakness.
Love sees pain as an opening.
Fear wants guarantees.
Love wouldn’t ask for guarantees.
Fear tells you to protect yourself.
Love tells you to be vulnerable.
Fear wants to know why.
Love wants to know how.
Fear wants to confine.
Love wants to let go.
Fear wants to hold on.
Love wants to surrender.
Fear wants to be wanted.
Love knows it is wanted.
Fear judges.
Love accepts.
Fear tells you to sacrifice.
Love tells you it’s a gift.
What do you think? Does this speak to you? Are you noticing any insights? Or do you think this is complete balderdash?
Namaste,
Michael
Monday, April 10, 2006
Substratum
I’ve developed a new field of investigation: psycho-archaeology. We who are psycho-archaeologists do archaeological digs into the depths of our consciousness.
I recently began doing a major dig into whatever is going on with me with relationships. My first publication of the results was my treatise to A about what I did to sabotage my relationship with her.
Simultaneously I was doing another large dig into those pits of depression I’ve been falling into off and on much of my life.
And guess what. I found that just a few layers down, there was the same substratum that underlay both issues. In fact, I’ve discovered that that substratum underlies every problem, every issue, every struggle, every frustration I’ve ever had in life.
OK, I know, I’ve slipped from archaeological metaphor into geological metaphor. So, I’m not perfect. Drop me a letter grade on my essay if you want. Though it feels more like a master’s thesis right now. I’ve been trying to write this for days, and it keeps getting deeper and more complex every time I think about it.
Anyway, what I’ve found and experienced is that the substratum that underlies all painful issues in my life is resistance to feeling fear, emptiness, and loneliness (as shorthand, I’ll refer to them from now on as f/e/l) and a huge cache of those feelings sitting there inside me, waiting to be restimulated. I now understand that EVERYTHING else that hasn’t worked in my relationships and in the rest of my life has been a consequence of my trying to protect myself from feeling overwhelmed by f/e/l. Sometimes, much to my consternation, what I’ve done to protect myself from those feelings has actually fed them and increased them, the opposite of what I wanted.
I acknowledge that I am responsible for having those feelings inside. I wasn’t responsible for the conditions and events that instilled them in the first place (when I was a child), but I am responsible for not having done since then what it takes to heal them and not be so influenced by them. Consequently, I’m also responsible for the negative effects they’ve had on much of my life, including probably all of my romantic relationships.
I’ve come to realize that there are 2 problems at the root of why f/e/l have run my life so much:
I don’t have enough people in my life who love me unconditionally so that I can fill myself up with love instead of f/e/l. (See Greg Baer, Real Love) I believe this is a temporary solution, but one that will work if I keep those people around so I can re-fill whenever needed.
I haven’t done the work to develop a strong and effective enough inner loving adult who will take care of my wounded inner child and who can bring through God’s love to me so that I don’t need to get it from the outside. (See Margaret Paul, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?) I believe this is the long-term, ultimate solution.
Because I need to do this spiritual healing work, I have repeatedly attracted people and situations into my life that have called me to do the healing by reminding me of the wounds (of the f/e/l). I also believe that my spiritual guides and teachers have cooperated in this by helping to set my life up so that I’d have to learn what I’ve needed to learn. So, as results of my f/e/l and my attempts to protect myself from them, I’ve consistently repeated some patterns of thinking and behaving that have sabotaged many aspects of my life. Among them have been attempting to control, hanging on tightly to what didn’t work for me, withholding (not being open), blaming, acting like a victim, and avoiding (what Greg Baer calls running and some others call hiding).
One manifestation of the avoiding I’ve done is that I’ve run away from relationships (all kinds of them, not just romantic ones) because getting involved has brought up the fear of getting hurt. Part of that avoiding has been sabotaging relationships I did start. It seems that I’ve preferred to run from relationships than to be hurt by them. Yes, that’s true in at least many cases. As soon as it looks to me like I may be rejected (thus bringing up f/e/l), I start to run away (thus causing myself f/e/l). Apparently being in charge of it seems like a better option than being a victim of it. So, I avoid what I want most – loving relationships.
Sometimes I feel like the guy who bought a dog and named her Go Away. Then he’d call to her: “Come here, Go Away.” (Thanks to Trish for this joke.)
I’ve also discovered a wide variety of other “creative” ways that I’ve avoided feeling f/e/l. One of them is by becoming depressed. As you probably know, I’ve been paying close attention to the dynamics of the depression I experience. I’ve concluded that, at least in part, it’s a way of protecting myself against f/e/l, which feels much worse to me than depression does. F/e/l begins to come up, and I’ve protected myself from it by depressing myself. It’s also a form of being a victim. If I’m depressed, then I’ve believed that I have a “good” reason for not doing whatever I fear. So, I don’t think that any of the other explanations for depression are relevant. I think I’ve just been avoiding f/e/l.
That’s exactly what Margie Paul (Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?) suggests about depression. It’s a consequence of trying to protect myself from feelings rather than having the intention to learn about loving when the feelings arise. Margie says it will turn out differently, that I won’t fall into depression if I’ll choose differently, if I’ll choose the path of learning about loving when those feelings arise.
Is it really this simple? (Not easy – simple.) It may be. I’m willing to find out. I’m choosing to believe that it is.
I have to admit that knowing this and remembering it when I begin to get depressed really does spoil a “good” depression. Oh, well….
So, I’m on my way. I have the foundation (the substratum) identified. Now I just need to stay conscious and to choose the other path, the path of learning to love myself, my feelings, and other people whenever f/e/l arise instead of choosing to protect myself.
Not easy, but simple.
Namaste,
Michael
I recently began doing a major dig into whatever is going on with me with relationships. My first publication of the results was my treatise to A about what I did to sabotage my relationship with her.
Simultaneously I was doing another large dig into those pits of depression I’ve been falling into off and on much of my life.
And guess what. I found that just a few layers down, there was the same substratum that underlay both issues. In fact, I’ve discovered that that substratum underlies every problem, every issue, every struggle, every frustration I’ve ever had in life.
OK, I know, I’ve slipped from archaeological metaphor into geological metaphor. So, I’m not perfect. Drop me a letter grade on my essay if you want. Though it feels more like a master’s thesis right now. I’ve been trying to write this for days, and it keeps getting deeper and more complex every time I think about it.
Anyway, what I’ve found and experienced is that the substratum that underlies all painful issues in my life is resistance to feeling fear, emptiness, and loneliness (as shorthand, I’ll refer to them from now on as f/e/l) and a huge cache of those feelings sitting there inside me, waiting to be restimulated. I now understand that EVERYTHING else that hasn’t worked in my relationships and in the rest of my life has been a consequence of my trying to protect myself from feeling overwhelmed by f/e/l. Sometimes, much to my consternation, what I’ve done to protect myself from those feelings has actually fed them and increased them, the opposite of what I wanted.
I acknowledge that I am responsible for having those feelings inside. I wasn’t responsible for the conditions and events that instilled them in the first place (when I was a child), but I am responsible for not having done since then what it takes to heal them and not be so influenced by them. Consequently, I’m also responsible for the negative effects they’ve had on much of my life, including probably all of my romantic relationships.
I’ve come to realize that there are 2 problems at the root of why f/e/l have run my life so much:
I don’t have enough people in my life who love me unconditionally so that I can fill myself up with love instead of f/e/l. (See Greg Baer, Real Love) I believe this is a temporary solution, but one that will work if I keep those people around so I can re-fill whenever needed.
I haven’t done the work to develop a strong and effective enough inner loving adult who will take care of my wounded inner child and who can bring through God’s love to me so that I don’t need to get it from the outside. (See Margaret Paul, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?) I believe this is the long-term, ultimate solution.
Because I need to do this spiritual healing work, I have repeatedly attracted people and situations into my life that have called me to do the healing by reminding me of the wounds (of the f/e/l). I also believe that my spiritual guides and teachers have cooperated in this by helping to set my life up so that I’d have to learn what I’ve needed to learn. So, as results of my f/e/l and my attempts to protect myself from them, I’ve consistently repeated some patterns of thinking and behaving that have sabotaged many aspects of my life. Among them have been attempting to control, hanging on tightly to what didn’t work for me, withholding (not being open), blaming, acting like a victim, and avoiding (what Greg Baer calls running and some others call hiding).
One manifestation of the avoiding I’ve done is that I’ve run away from relationships (all kinds of them, not just romantic ones) because getting involved has brought up the fear of getting hurt. Part of that avoiding has been sabotaging relationships I did start. It seems that I’ve preferred to run from relationships than to be hurt by them. Yes, that’s true in at least many cases. As soon as it looks to me like I may be rejected (thus bringing up f/e/l), I start to run away (thus causing myself f/e/l). Apparently being in charge of it seems like a better option than being a victim of it. So, I avoid what I want most – loving relationships.
Sometimes I feel like the guy who bought a dog and named her Go Away. Then he’d call to her: “Come here, Go Away.” (Thanks to Trish for this joke.)
I’ve also discovered a wide variety of other “creative” ways that I’ve avoided feeling f/e/l. One of them is by becoming depressed. As you probably know, I’ve been paying close attention to the dynamics of the depression I experience. I’ve concluded that, at least in part, it’s a way of protecting myself against f/e/l, which feels much worse to me than depression does. F/e/l begins to come up, and I’ve protected myself from it by depressing myself. It’s also a form of being a victim. If I’m depressed, then I’ve believed that I have a “good” reason for not doing whatever I fear. So, I don’t think that any of the other explanations for depression are relevant. I think I’ve just been avoiding f/e/l.
That’s exactly what Margie Paul (Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?) suggests about depression. It’s a consequence of trying to protect myself from feelings rather than having the intention to learn about loving when the feelings arise. Margie says it will turn out differently, that I won’t fall into depression if I’ll choose differently, if I’ll choose the path of learning about loving when those feelings arise.
Is it really this simple? (Not easy – simple.) It may be. I’m willing to find out. I’m choosing to believe that it is.
I have to admit that knowing this and remembering it when I begin to get depressed really does spoil a “good” depression. Oh, well….
So, I’m on my way. I have the foundation (the substratum) identified. Now I just need to stay conscious and to choose the other path, the path of learning to love myself, my feelings, and other people whenever f/e/l arise instead of choosing to protect myself.
Not easy, but simple.
Namaste,
Michael
Healing and enhancing relationships
I’ve been reading a book the past few days that is speaking loudly to me. It isn’t that I don’t already know some of what the author presents. It’s that there’s enough that I didn’t know and what I do know is organized and presented so well that I love the book. It’s The Relationship Cure by John Gottman, Ph.D.
In case you don’t know about Dr. Gottman, he’s a professor, relationship researcher, and therapist in Seattle. One of his claims to fame is that he’s demonstrated that he can observe a relationship for a matter of minutes and then predict with over 90% accuracy if that relationship will last more than a few years. He tells how in one of his books.
If you don’t know this about me, relationship healing and enhancement is one of my passions. It’s also been a focus of mine in my past professional work as a coach, therapist, educator, and workshop facilitator. I’m sure it will be again when I finally step back into that identity.
So, I’m feeling moved to share with you my list of favorite books about relationships. Then I’ll ask you to tell me about more. Here they are:
Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, Ph.D.s:
Conscious Loving
The Conscious Heart
Lasting Love
Attracting Genuine Love
Spirit-Centered Relationships
Marianne Williamson:
A Return to Love
Enchanted Love
John Gottman, Ph.D.:
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail... And How You Can Make Yours Last
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The Relationship Cure
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.:
Nonviolent Communication; a Language of Compassion
Greg Baer, M.D.:
Real Love
Real Love in Marriage (in my opinion, a better book than Real Love, but you’ll have to order it through his web site – www.realloveinstitute.com)
Real Love in Dating (also available through his web site)
Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.:
If the Buddha Dated
If the Buddha Married
A Home for the Heart; A Practical Guide to Intimate and Social Relationships
John Welwood, Ph.D.:
Journey of the Heart; The Path of Conscious Love
Barry Vissell, M.D. and Joyce Vissell, R.N., M.S.:
The Shared Heart: Relationship Initiations & Celebrations
Light in the Mirror
Stephen and Ondrea Levine:
Embracing the Beloved; Relationship as a Path of Awakening
Don Miguel Ruiz, M.D.:
The Four Agreements
The Mastery of Love
Richard Bach:
Bridge Across Forever
A Course in Miracles (this is really more a spiritual path than just a book about relationships, but it’s too relevant not to list)
Robert Perry:
Relationships as a Spiritual Journey (based on A Course in Miracles)
Susan Page:
If We’re So In Love, Why Aren’t We Happy? Using Spiritual Principles to Solve Real Problems
If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?
The Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive
Susan Campbell, Ph.D.:
Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real
Kenny & Julia Loggins:
The Unimaginable Life
Harville Hendrix:
Getting the Love You Want
Keeping the Love You Find
Giving the Love That Heals
I’m eager to know about any other great relationship books. So, do you have any favorite books about healing or enhancing relationships that I’ve missed?
Namaste,
Michael
In case you don’t know about Dr. Gottman, he’s a professor, relationship researcher, and therapist in Seattle. One of his claims to fame is that he’s demonstrated that he can observe a relationship for a matter of minutes and then predict with over 90% accuracy if that relationship will last more than a few years. He tells how in one of his books.
If you don’t know this about me, relationship healing and enhancement is one of my passions. It’s also been a focus of mine in my past professional work as a coach, therapist, educator, and workshop facilitator. I’m sure it will be again when I finally step back into that identity.
So, I’m feeling moved to share with you my list of favorite books about relationships. Then I’ll ask you to tell me about more. Here they are:
Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, Ph.D.s:
Conscious Loving
The Conscious Heart
Lasting Love
Attracting Genuine Love
Spirit-Centered Relationships
Marianne Williamson:
A Return to Love
Enchanted Love
John Gottman, Ph.D.:
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail... And How You Can Make Yours Last
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The Relationship Cure
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.:
Nonviolent Communication; a Language of Compassion
Greg Baer, M.D.:
Real Love
Real Love in Marriage (in my opinion, a better book than Real Love, but you’ll have to order it through his web site – www.realloveinstitute.com)
Real Love in Dating (also available through his web site)
Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.:
If the Buddha Dated
If the Buddha Married
A Home for the Heart; A Practical Guide to Intimate and Social Relationships
John Welwood, Ph.D.:
Journey of the Heart; The Path of Conscious Love
Barry Vissell, M.D. and Joyce Vissell, R.N., M.S.:
The Shared Heart: Relationship Initiations & Celebrations
Light in the Mirror
Stephen and Ondrea Levine:
Embracing the Beloved; Relationship as a Path of Awakening
Don Miguel Ruiz, M.D.:
The Four Agreements
The Mastery of Love
Richard Bach:
Bridge Across Forever
A Course in Miracles (this is really more a spiritual path than just a book about relationships, but it’s too relevant not to list)
Robert Perry:
Relationships as a Spiritual Journey (based on A Course in Miracles)
Susan Page:
If We’re So In Love, Why Aren’t We Happy? Using Spiritual Principles to Solve Real Problems
If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?
The Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive
Susan Campbell, Ph.D.:
Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real
Kenny & Julia Loggins:
The Unimaginable Life
Harville Hendrix:
Getting the Love You Want
Keeping the Love You Find
Giving the Love That Heals
I’m eager to know about any other great relationship books. So, do you have any favorite books about healing or enhancing relationships that I’ve missed?
Namaste,
Michael
Who that?
I have an admission to make. I am a language geek. (Or is it a nerd? I have difficulty distinguishing between those words. And to a language geek/nerd it matters.) I love language. I believe that proficiency with language gives us more power in the world. That’s the reason I, as a substitute teacher, usually choose to take English classes as my assignments.
When I speak of language, I don’t just mean words and their meaning. I also mean syntax, spelling, grammar, punctuation, and all the other aspects of language that make one a great writer or speaker.
Consequently, I have a lot of concern about how language is misused by so many people. I’m not judgmental about it. I just wish people were more careful about what they say and write so that they could communicate more clearly. One of my special interests is how people use language in such a way that they subtly communicate something other than what they mean.
And that brings me to the topic for this post. I can’t begin to say how often I see people referred to as “that” in writing and hear it in speaking. For example, “I have a sister that likes to go hiking” or “Will people that like to sing please come to our choir meeting.”
“That” refers to objects, to things. When we use “that” to refer to people, we’re subtly objectifying them. Whenever I see or hear people referred to as “that” I wince to myself.
“Who” is the word that refers to a person. “I have a sister who likes to go hiking.” “Will people who like to sing please come to our choir meeting.” Those sentences tell us the speaker/writer is talking about people and not about pieces of furniture or rocks – or worse yet, about someone they’re choosing to treat disrespectfully.
OK, now you can all go ahead and say/write whatever you want. I’ve had the privilege of telling you my perception of the issue, and maybe some of you will think about it a little. That’s enough.
Namaste,
Michael
When I speak of language, I don’t just mean words and their meaning. I also mean syntax, spelling, grammar, punctuation, and all the other aspects of language that make one a great writer or speaker.
Consequently, I have a lot of concern about how language is misused by so many people. I’m not judgmental about it. I just wish people were more careful about what they say and write so that they could communicate more clearly. One of my special interests is how people use language in such a way that they subtly communicate something other than what they mean.
And that brings me to the topic for this post. I can’t begin to say how often I see people referred to as “that” in writing and hear it in speaking. For example, “I have a sister that likes to go hiking” or “Will people that like to sing please come to our choir meeting.”
“That” refers to objects, to things. When we use “that” to refer to people, we’re subtly objectifying them. Whenever I see or hear people referred to as “that” I wince to myself.
“Who” is the word that refers to a person. “I have a sister who likes to go hiking.” “Will people who like to sing please come to our choir meeting.” Those sentences tell us the speaker/writer is talking about people and not about pieces of furniture or rocks – or worse yet, about someone they’re choosing to treat disrespectfully.
OK, now you can all go ahead and say/write whatever you want. I’ve had the privilege of telling you my perception of the issue, and maybe some of you will think about it a little. That’s enough.
Namaste,
Michael
Sunday, April 02, 2006
If...
I’ve known her for a few months. We met sometime after A and I broke up. I don’t exactly remember when. We’ve talked some, but never at length, yet we know some pretty personal things about each other. I’m intentionally being vague. You’ll probably understand after you’ve read the rest of this. I’ll call her NK.
NK is one of those women in my life. “What women?” you ask. She’s one of those women I find attractive and like being around, one I wonder if I might fall in love with if circumstances were different. But circumstances are what they are. I’m too recently out of a relationship, too raw, not healed enough to get involved seriously with anyone. And NK is involved with someone already. As I said, if circumstances were different….
A few days ago NK and I had the longest conversation we’ve ever had, though it wasn’t all that long compared to some I’ve had. I was enjoying my time with her. Then it happened.
NK told me she likes me and enjoys talking with me. I returned the sentiments. And she said, “If I weren’t already involved with someone, I’d be interested in you.” Without a thought I said, “If you weren’t involved with someone, I’d be interested in you, too.”
There it was. Now what?
We agreed to continue to be friends. For me that’s a genuine commitment, not some sneaky way to reject someone. I think it was for her, too.
I won’t interfere with her relationship for several reasons. First, I don’t think I’ll have to take someone away from another man if she’s really my right partner. I believe that what’s rightfully mine will come to me easily. Second, I don’t want that bad karma in my life. I know that what goes around comes back around. Third, I don’t want to hurt another man just to have what I want. And fourth, as I said before, I’m not really ready for another relationship right now anyway. Any woman I’d get involved with these days would just be a transitional relationship.
So, I’ll be her friend. I doubt that any of you knows how many of those women there are in my life in some way – women I’m attracted to who are just my friends because the circumstances aren’t right for one reason or another or several. I’d bet that some of you who are reading this are among those women. I don’t have any pressing need to be involved romantically with any of those women; I’m content to have them as friends. I just know that in my mind and heart, there would be the potential for a romantic relationship if all those circumstances were different. But they aren’t.
By the way, one of the circumstances whenever I’m involved in a romantic relationship is that I’m already committed to her. I wouldn’t be looking for (or even open to) someone else to replace her. Refer to the first three reasons I mentioned for not interfering with someone else’s relationship and adapt them. I won’t interfere in that way with my own relationship, either.
What stands out to me about this most of all is that I was in that phase of breaking up with someone when I doubt that any woman I’ll find attractive will ever be interested in me again. Well, maybe I was mistaken. Maybe there are other possibilities in this life for me to have a romantic relationship. But, are there any without some of those circumstances that turn them into “just friends”? As I told one friend, it seems that most of the women I find attractive (and I mean far more than physically attractive) are either already involved with someone else or else not interested.
The door is open just a crack. If….
Namaste,
Michael
NK is one of those women in my life. “What women?” you ask. She’s one of those women I find attractive and like being around, one I wonder if I might fall in love with if circumstances were different. But circumstances are what they are. I’m too recently out of a relationship, too raw, not healed enough to get involved seriously with anyone. And NK is involved with someone already. As I said, if circumstances were different….
A few days ago NK and I had the longest conversation we’ve ever had, though it wasn’t all that long compared to some I’ve had. I was enjoying my time with her. Then it happened.
NK told me she likes me and enjoys talking with me. I returned the sentiments. And she said, “If I weren’t already involved with someone, I’d be interested in you.” Without a thought I said, “If you weren’t involved with someone, I’d be interested in you, too.”
There it was. Now what?
We agreed to continue to be friends. For me that’s a genuine commitment, not some sneaky way to reject someone. I think it was for her, too.
I won’t interfere with her relationship for several reasons. First, I don’t think I’ll have to take someone away from another man if she’s really my right partner. I believe that what’s rightfully mine will come to me easily. Second, I don’t want that bad karma in my life. I know that what goes around comes back around. Third, I don’t want to hurt another man just to have what I want. And fourth, as I said before, I’m not really ready for another relationship right now anyway. Any woman I’d get involved with these days would just be a transitional relationship.
So, I’ll be her friend. I doubt that any of you knows how many of those women there are in my life in some way – women I’m attracted to who are just my friends because the circumstances aren’t right for one reason or another or several. I’d bet that some of you who are reading this are among those women. I don’t have any pressing need to be involved romantically with any of those women; I’m content to have them as friends. I just know that in my mind and heart, there would be the potential for a romantic relationship if all those circumstances were different. But they aren’t.
By the way, one of the circumstances whenever I’m involved in a romantic relationship is that I’m already committed to her. I wouldn’t be looking for (or even open to) someone else to replace her. Refer to the first three reasons I mentioned for not interfering with someone else’s relationship and adapt them. I won’t interfere in that way with my own relationship, either.
What stands out to me about this most of all is that I was in that phase of breaking up with someone when I doubt that any woman I’ll find attractive will ever be interested in me again. Well, maybe I was mistaken. Maybe there are other possibilities in this life for me to have a romantic relationship. But, are there any without some of those circumstances that turn them into “just friends”? As I told one friend, it seems that most of the women I find attractive (and I mean far more than physically attractive) are either already involved with someone else or else not interested.
The door is open just a crack. If….
Namaste,
Michael
Answering the call
Have you ever followed a seemingly unimportant inner urging and found yourself in a significant experience as a result? It just happened with me again early yesterday evening.
I’m housesitting at a home in Las Campanas (for any of you who is familiar with areas of Santa Fe). Since I know that phone calls will very rarely be for me (the homeowners are the only people I know who have the number and know I’m here), I sometimes answer them and usually don’t. Then I check messages occasionally to see if there’s something important to communicate to the people who live here.
Early yesterday evening the phone rang. I was going to ignore it, but something inside – one of those inner urgings I sometimes have – told me to answer. My rational mind thought maybe it was the homeowners calling to tell me they’d arrived where they were going. It wasn’t.
A woman named Karen was calling for the wife of the couple who lives here. When she heard that her friends had already left, she began chatting a bit anyway. She was very friendly. Then – I don’t recall how it came up – she told me that she’s had cancer and is working on recovery. I could have just listened. I could have ignored it. I could have done a lot of things, I guess. But another of those inner urgings arose.
I encouraged her to stay positive about it and briefly told her about Barbara, my friend who has recently beaten cancer for the second time. I also felt moved to tell her that we had gotten people all over the world to pray for her. Well, she really connected with that, and we ended up having a fairly long conversation about prayer and healing and about how we pray and about leaving the outcome open for whatever is the most spiritually appropriate outcome. I told her about ending prayers with “this or something better for the highest benefit of everyone concerned,” and she loved that. When we finally finished, Karen thanked me and said that our conversation had been important for her.
By following my inner urgings about a phone call from a stranger, I found myself ministering to someone and making a difference. Isn’t it interesting how the calls may come? I pledge myself, once again, to pay attention and to follow my inner guidance, whenever and however it appears. I never know when it might be directing me to something important.
Namaste,
Michael
I’m housesitting at a home in Las Campanas (for any of you who is familiar with areas of Santa Fe). Since I know that phone calls will very rarely be for me (the homeowners are the only people I know who have the number and know I’m here), I sometimes answer them and usually don’t. Then I check messages occasionally to see if there’s something important to communicate to the people who live here.
Early yesterday evening the phone rang. I was going to ignore it, but something inside – one of those inner urgings I sometimes have – told me to answer. My rational mind thought maybe it was the homeowners calling to tell me they’d arrived where they were going. It wasn’t.
A woman named Karen was calling for the wife of the couple who lives here. When she heard that her friends had already left, she began chatting a bit anyway. She was very friendly. Then – I don’t recall how it came up – she told me that she’s had cancer and is working on recovery. I could have just listened. I could have ignored it. I could have done a lot of things, I guess. But another of those inner urgings arose.
I encouraged her to stay positive about it and briefly told her about Barbara, my friend who has recently beaten cancer for the second time. I also felt moved to tell her that we had gotten people all over the world to pray for her. Well, she really connected with that, and we ended up having a fairly long conversation about prayer and healing and about how we pray and about leaving the outcome open for whatever is the most spiritually appropriate outcome. I told her about ending prayers with “this or something better for the highest benefit of everyone concerned,” and she loved that. When we finally finished, Karen thanked me and said that our conversation had been important for her.
By following my inner urgings about a phone call from a stranger, I found myself ministering to someone and making a difference. Isn’t it interesting how the calls may come? I pledge myself, once again, to pay attention and to follow my inner guidance, whenever and however it appears. I never know when it might be directing me to something important.
Namaste,
Michael
Friday, March 31, 2006
Auto miracle?
I’ll write a more general update very soon. Right now, though, I want to tell you about what happened about my finding a car. Was it a miracle? Was it spiritually designed? You decide.
Here’s a brief account of the history for anyone who doesn’t know it (or doesn’t remember):
Because of the lengthy illness I had that kept me from working for over half of 14 months between November, 2004, and January, 2006, I ended up in a severe financial crisis. During that time my former car broke down beyond the value of repairing it, and I sold it for almost nothing. For quite a while several people were generous enough to allow me to use cars they owned. (Thank you again to all 4 of you. You made a huge difference.) Then, recently, I learned that I had to give up the latest car I had been using.
That threatened to put me in an enormous bind because I need a car for work (not to mention to go to the grocery store and things like that). I now have 5 jobs (substitute teaching or another temp job as my full-time day work and 4 part-time side jobs: acting in films, secret shopping, housesitting, and selling prepaid legal plans and identity theft protection). I’m about to start doing some other work, too. The important issue, though, is that all of my work requires me to have a car, either to get to the jobs (examples: out to the boondocks for a 4:00 a.m. call for a movie, over an hour drive to Las Vegas, NM, for a couple of secret shopping jobs, and immediately from my day job to a housesit to let a dog out of the house) or else to actually do them (some of the secret shopping requires me to do drive-through purchases). In fact, I have a housesitting job that starts tomorrow (April 1st) that I would have had to give up if I didn’t have a car by then. In addition to my losing about $250, it would have incredibly inconvenienced the homeowners and probably would have lost me all future work with them and with people they know. As I said, it would have been an enormous bind.
I have enough money coming in to make payments on a car. However, I don’t have enough to make a significant down payment. My finances are improving significantly – as long as I have a car and can continue working.
So, I had to find another car. I tried everything I could think of to do in the material world that I was willing to do (I wasn’t, for example, willing to try robbing a bank):
1. I asked everyone I could think of who might know of an available inexpensive car and who might also be willing to do so to help me find one. As you may have read before, humbling myself enough to ask for help is a challenge for me. I’m just accepting it as a spiritual practice and lesson for me, though. There must be some good reason for it.
2. I found 3 cars that were being given away. For one reason or another I didn’t get any of them. I chose to believe that they just weren’t my cars to have.
3. A couple of friends recommended someone to buy a car from. He reconditions cars, sells them in good condition, and finances them himself. Unfortunately, I learned that he requires a $1000 down payment, which was far more than I could possibly make right now.
4. I went to a dealer that advertises that they finance anyone. However, because I have no credit (it isn’t bad credit; it’s an absence of credit) and don’t have a job I’ve been working at full-time for over a year, they wanted either a $1500 down payment or else a co-signer on a loan.
5. I tried lots of other dealers that also require far more down payment than I can give them right now. One place wanted half down and $200 every 2 weeks. Does that sound funny to anyone else but me? If I could make those payments, wouldn’t I be going through a traditional lender?
I also considered asking people I know for a loan or to co-sign a loan for me. Those felt like too much to ask for, so I ruled out those options. It might have been different if I knew for certain that I had a lot of money coming in soon. But I don’t know that for certain, though I’m imagining that it will occur.
Consequently, I felt stuck without acceptable options in the material world. So, I turned to the only other things I knew to do – prayer, visualization, gratitude, and surrender. I prayed for the right outcome, visualized waves of abundance (including a car), got some of my prayer/visualization partners to join me in that, and expressed gratitude for it all. Then I surrendered to whatever came, having faith that it was somehow perfect. As one of my teachers used to say repeatedly, “Thank you for everything; I have no complaints whatsoever.”
On Tuesday, March 28th, I gave up the car I had been using and took a few deep breaths.
That same day I received a call from a friend telling me that she had decided to release a car she owned and wondering if I was still looking for one to buy. We met the next day, and she insisted that I drive the car for a week or so to make sure I wanted it because it’s old (which also means inexpensive). So, I was only without a car for a day. I walked to one meeting and rode the bus to school one morning. Other than that there were no problems (and I’m not sure those were really problems).
I now have a 1985 Toyota Tercel wagon with low mileage (just over 148K miles) that’s in fairly good condition for its age for a week or 2 until I need to decide if I’ll really buy it. At that point I either need to have manifested the money to buy it or else to have manifested another car. I’m open to the right outcome, whatever it may be.
I acknowledge that this feels like a minor miracle to me. Of course, if it’s a miracle, I could have ended up with a blue 2006 Subaru Forester, which is my dream car, free and clear with licensing and insurance paid. Is that asking too much? I believe it’s the part of me that thinks it is that keeps it from coming to me.
For now, I’m grateful to have any car that will get me around. But, I’m working on upgrading my consciousness. I’m willing to have that Forester – not to mention all other forms of abundance. I see it coming in frequent, repeated 11-foot waves of all abundance. How’s that for a visualization?
In the meantime I’m grateful for a 1985 Toyota Tercel wagon and for my friend who has been so kind to me about it. I accept it as perfect for me for however long that may be. And, I acknowledge that I wonder if maybe there’s still more to the story to be revealed.
Namaste,
Michael
Here’s a brief account of the history for anyone who doesn’t know it (or doesn’t remember):
Because of the lengthy illness I had that kept me from working for over half of 14 months between November, 2004, and January, 2006, I ended up in a severe financial crisis. During that time my former car broke down beyond the value of repairing it, and I sold it for almost nothing. For quite a while several people were generous enough to allow me to use cars they owned. (Thank you again to all 4 of you. You made a huge difference.) Then, recently, I learned that I had to give up the latest car I had been using.
That threatened to put me in an enormous bind because I need a car for work (not to mention to go to the grocery store and things like that). I now have 5 jobs (substitute teaching or another temp job as my full-time day work and 4 part-time side jobs: acting in films, secret shopping, housesitting, and selling prepaid legal plans and identity theft protection). I’m about to start doing some other work, too. The important issue, though, is that all of my work requires me to have a car, either to get to the jobs (examples: out to the boondocks for a 4:00 a.m. call for a movie, over an hour drive to Las Vegas, NM, for a couple of secret shopping jobs, and immediately from my day job to a housesit to let a dog out of the house) or else to actually do them (some of the secret shopping requires me to do drive-through purchases). In fact, I have a housesitting job that starts tomorrow (April 1st) that I would have had to give up if I didn’t have a car by then. In addition to my losing about $250, it would have incredibly inconvenienced the homeowners and probably would have lost me all future work with them and with people they know. As I said, it would have been an enormous bind.
I have enough money coming in to make payments on a car. However, I don’t have enough to make a significant down payment. My finances are improving significantly – as long as I have a car and can continue working.
So, I had to find another car. I tried everything I could think of to do in the material world that I was willing to do (I wasn’t, for example, willing to try robbing a bank):
1. I asked everyone I could think of who might know of an available inexpensive car and who might also be willing to do so to help me find one. As you may have read before, humbling myself enough to ask for help is a challenge for me. I’m just accepting it as a spiritual practice and lesson for me, though. There must be some good reason for it.
2. I found 3 cars that were being given away. For one reason or another I didn’t get any of them. I chose to believe that they just weren’t my cars to have.
3. A couple of friends recommended someone to buy a car from. He reconditions cars, sells them in good condition, and finances them himself. Unfortunately, I learned that he requires a $1000 down payment, which was far more than I could possibly make right now.
4. I went to a dealer that advertises that they finance anyone. However, because I have no credit (it isn’t bad credit; it’s an absence of credit) and don’t have a job I’ve been working at full-time for over a year, they wanted either a $1500 down payment or else a co-signer on a loan.
5. I tried lots of other dealers that also require far more down payment than I can give them right now. One place wanted half down and $200 every 2 weeks. Does that sound funny to anyone else but me? If I could make those payments, wouldn’t I be going through a traditional lender?
I also considered asking people I know for a loan or to co-sign a loan for me. Those felt like too much to ask for, so I ruled out those options. It might have been different if I knew for certain that I had a lot of money coming in soon. But I don’t know that for certain, though I’m imagining that it will occur.
Consequently, I felt stuck without acceptable options in the material world. So, I turned to the only other things I knew to do – prayer, visualization, gratitude, and surrender. I prayed for the right outcome, visualized waves of abundance (including a car), got some of my prayer/visualization partners to join me in that, and expressed gratitude for it all. Then I surrendered to whatever came, having faith that it was somehow perfect. As one of my teachers used to say repeatedly, “Thank you for everything; I have no complaints whatsoever.”
On Tuesday, March 28th, I gave up the car I had been using and took a few deep breaths.
That same day I received a call from a friend telling me that she had decided to release a car she owned and wondering if I was still looking for one to buy. We met the next day, and she insisted that I drive the car for a week or so to make sure I wanted it because it’s old (which also means inexpensive). So, I was only without a car for a day. I walked to one meeting and rode the bus to school one morning. Other than that there were no problems (and I’m not sure those were really problems).
I now have a 1985 Toyota Tercel wagon with low mileage (just over 148K miles) that’s in fairly good condition for its age for a week or 2 until I need to decide if I’ll really buy it. At that point I either need to have manifested the money to buy it or else to have manifested another car. I’m open to the right outcome, whatever it may be.
I acknowledge that this feels like a minor miracle to me. Of course, if it’s a miracle, I could have ended up with a blue 2006 Subaru Forester, which is my dream car, free and clear with licensing and insurance paid. Is that asking too much? I believe it’s the part of me that thinks it is that keeps it from coming to me.
For now, I’m grateful to have any car that will get me around. But, I’m working on upgrading my consciousness. I’m willing to have that Forester – not to mention all other forms of abundance. I see it coming in frequent, repeated 11-foot waves of all abundance. How’s that for a visualization?
In the meantime I’m grateful for a 1985 Toyota Tercel wagon and for my friend who has been so kind to me about it. I accept it as perfect for me for however long that may be. And, I acknowledge that I wonder if maybe there’s still more to the story to be revealed.
Namaste,
Michael
Sunday, March 26, 2006
How self-revealing?
I spent the past few days writing a long extremely self-revealing message about how I sabotaged my relationship with A (the one that ended this past September). When I printed it out to send to her, it was 5 ½ pages single-spaced. I wrote it because I believe that I need to tell the truth about all of that in order to heal, to move beyond what I did to undermine the love and joy she and I might have had together otherwise, and to clean up my relationship life so I can be more ready for my next partner (if there ever is one).
Though I seriously considered it, I’ve decided not to post it for everyone to read. I have some conflict about that. On one hand I believe that whatever we hide runs our lives, so we’re much better off self-disclosing. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks go so far as to say, “If there is anything in your life you wouldn’t be willing to talk about over the loudspeakers in Yankee Stadium, it’s got a grip on you.” (Pg. 126, The Conscious Heart) I’ve heard the same thing from other teachers I highly respect. (Before someone brings this up, they also distinguish between secrecy and privacy and say this only applies to secrets.)
On the other hand, Greg Baer (Real Love and other books) suggests that while it’s crucial to reveal our secrets, it’s also important that we be selective about who we reveal them to. For the big stuff he recommends that we only disclose it to people we can pretty much count on to be accepting and keep it hidden from people we can’t count on in that way. It’s very similar to doing a 5th step in a 12-step program.
So, the issue for me isn’t whether to keep it hidden entirely, but who to reveal things to and who not to. I accept that I do need to disclose the whole nearly 6 pages of personal relationship garbage to some people. However, my decision is that I will be selective and not put it out for everyone in the world to read (if they choose to). Maybe eventually it will seem like the right thing to do to change my mind and post it. Maybe not. Once I reveal it to some people, maybe it won’t matter any more.
This, then, brings up something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. Who is my real support group? In the term that Larry A. Thompson uses in Shine: A Powerful 4-Step Plan for Becoming a Star in Anything You Do, who is my team? I aspire to be a star in having loving relationships (not just a romantic one, but all kinds of loving relationships). One of his 4 steps is to develop and use our team. He tells us that a good team requires people in a variety of positions:
1. Mentors – wise guides who are personally involved in our lives and who are on-call for us. This is similar to what 12-step programs call sponsors.
2. Professionals – therapists, teachers, authors, ministers, etc.
3. Role models – people who have done what we aspire to and who we model ourselves after. These are the only people on our team whom we don’t necessarily have any personal contact with. We may read about them or just watch them.
4. Motivators – our cheerleaders, boosters, and butt-kickers.
5. Reality checkers – people who have our best interests at heart, but who also give us difficult feedback. He compares this to doing an intervention with an alcoholic.
Any given person can be in more than one of the positions, and we can be on each other’s teams so that it’s a mutual endeavor, if that seems appropriate.
The support team can also be accurately compared to a company’s board of directors. We bring into our lives a group of people who are likely to assist us to accomplish what we desire. The difference is that our personal team doesn’t need to all meet together (though they could). That means I could have members on my team who are all over the world.
Even though the idea of developing such a team brings up some fear in me, I also recognize its value to me. I lack an effective support team in my life. I have aspects of it informally, but I don’t have a clearly defined team of people I’ve asked to be part of it. I also recognize that I could use several teams for several different intentions I have, both personal and professional.
So, I’m going to develop my teams for my various intentions. One of them will be my conscious loving relationships support team. (There’s another wave of fear.) It’s those people who I’ll choose to be totally self-revealing with.
I will be personally inviting some people to join the team. If you feel called to participate, contact me. Unless you already have loads of conscious loving relationships in your life (including a magnificent marriage or other long-term committed relationship), I’m hoping you’ll want it to be a mutual endeavor. We can discuss what I have in mind at more depth before you commit to participating.
I choose to do whatever it takes for me to step into my potential as a loving person. And so it is.
Namaste,
Michael
Though I seriously considered it, I’ve decided not to post it for everyone to read. I have some conflict about that. On one hand I believe that whatever we hide runs our lives, so we’re much better off self-disclosing. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks go so far as to say, “If there is anything in your life you wouldn’t be willing to talk about over the loudspeakers in Yankee Stadium, it’s got a grip on you.” (Pg. 126, The Conscious Heart) I’ve heard the same thing from other teachers I highly respect. (Before someone brings this up, they also distinguish between secrecy and privacy and say this only applies to secrets.)
On the other hand, Greg Baer (Real Love and other books) suggests that while it’s crucial to reveal our secrets, it’s also important that we be selective about who we reveal them to. For the big stuff he recommends that we only disclose it to people we can pretty much count on to be accepting and keep it hidden from people we can’t count on in that way. It’s very similar to doing a 5th step in a 12-step program.
So, the issue for me isn’t whether to keep it hidden entirely, but who to reveal things to and who not to. I accept that I do need to disclose the whole nearly 6 pages of personal relationship garbage to some people. However, my decision is that I will be selective and not put it out for everyone in the world to read (if they choose to). Maybe eventually it will seem like the right thing to do to change my mind and post it. Maybe not. Once I reveal it to some people, maybe it won’t matter any more.
This, then, brings up something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. Who is my real support group? In the term that Larry A. Thompson uses in Shine: A Powerful 4-Step Plan for Becoming a Star in Anything You Do, who is my team? I aspire to be a star in having loving relationships (not just a romantic one, but all kinds of loving relationships). One of his 4 steps is to develop and use our team. He tells us that a good team requires people in a variety of positions:
1. Mentors – wise guides who are personally involved in our lives and who are on-call for us. This is similar to what 12-step programs call sponsors.
2. Professionals – therapists, teachers, authors, ministers, etc.
3. Role models – people who have done what we aspire to and who we model ourselves after. These are the only people on our team whom we don’t necessarily have any personal contact with. We may read about them or just watch them.
4. Motivators – our cheerleaders, boosters, and butt-kickers.
5. Reality checkers – people who have our best interests at heart, but who also give us difficult feedback. He compares this to doing an intervention with an alcoholic.
Any given person can be in more than one of the positions, and we can be on each other’s teams so that it’s a mutual endeavor, if that seems appropriate.
The support team can also be accurately compared to a company’s board of directors. We bring into our lives a group of people who are likely to assist us to accomplish what we desire. The difference is that our personal team doesn’t need to all meet together (though they could). That means I could have members on my team who are all over the world.
Even though the idea of developing such a team brings up some fear in me, I also recognize its value to me. I lack an effective support team in my life. I have aspects of it informally, but I don’t have a clearly defined team of people I’ve asked to be part of it. I also recognize that I could use several teams for several different intentions I have, both personal and professional.
So, I’m going to develop my teams for my various intentions. One of them will be my conscious loving relationships support team. (There’s another wave of fear.) It’s those people who I’ll choose to be totally self-revealing with.
I will be personally inviting some people to join the team. If you feel called to participate, contact me. Unless you already have loads of conscious loving relationships in your life (including a magnificent marriage or other long-term committed relationship), I’m hoping you’ll want it to be a mutual endeavor. We can discuss what I have in mind at more depth before you commit to participating.
I choose to do whatever it takes for me to step into my potential as a loving person. And so it is.
Namaste,
Michael
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Ripe bananas and pick-ups
A friend was telling a story about something that happened in her life. She said she was looking over the bananas in a grocery store and a man asked her if she was looking for the ripe ones. Then he helped her pick some. There’s a lot more to the story, but that’s the part that’s important for what I want to write about.
Another friend replied that "are you looking for the ripe ones" is probably a pick up line. Then, after another exchange, she jokingly asked, “Didn't your parents teach you anything?”
I’ll admit that my parents didn’t teach me anything about connecting with women and dating – at least anything worth knowing. I’m sure they didn’t know all that much of value. I have no idea how they got together – how they met or started their first conversation. About all I know is that they liked to dance together and that they pushed that as THE way for me to connect with women. I, of course, being as resistant to my parents as I was, refused to learn to dance. Maybe it’s best that they didn’t try to teach me anything really valuable. I probably would have resisted that, too. As it was, I was free to learn anything that might be really helpful to me without it being contaminated by shoulds from my parents.
So I’ve spent much of my adult life learning about relationships. I’ve learned quite a bit, and I’ve developed some ideas about what works for people like me and what doesn’t. For quite a few years in Seattle I taught a class I called New Ways to Meet New People. It wasn’t, as I emphasized to the participants, about the RIGHT ways to meet new people. It was just ways to meet people that were different than what I saw most people doing, ways that had different results, ways that worked better for, as I said, people like me.
But, that’s all really just introduction to what I want to say.
I don’t understand the whole idea of pick-up lines. He says to her, “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” Then she’s supposed to say, “Yes, I’ll go out with you” because she gets that he’s trying to pick her up? Does that actually happen in real life?
And how is he supposed to know from just seeing her in the produce aisle trying to choose bananas that they have anything in common other than an affinity for long yellow fruit? Or maybe all he cares about is that he finds her physically attractive. That seems to be all it takes for a lot of people to want to begin dating. People like me want to know what kind of person she is in addition to whether we like her body.
What I do understand is conversation starters. He says, “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” and then they begin to talk and get to know a few things about each other. Eventually (maybe only 5 or 10 minutes there in the produce aisle, but after learning something interesting about her), he says (or she says, because, yes, women can initiate dates with men), “Would you be interested in continuing getting to know each other? How about if we go to lunch?” (or something like that).
She doesn’t have to guess what he means by “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” All he was doing was starting a conversation (and being helpful). If they talk more and think they’d like to keep talking, then either of them can say so openly. No pick up lines, just conversation leading to a clear request. I understand that. That’s what works for people like me.
It occurs to me that I could well have missed the subtle implications of what women have said to me any number of times in life. I know I did one time when I was in my mid-20s and recently out of my first marriage. She asked me, “Where do you live?” I told her. It didn’t occur to me until weeks later that she might have been asking me to take her home with me. I freely admit that I’m slow about picking up on things like that. That’s why people like me prefer clear communication and explicit requests.
And furthermore, it takes me (and people like me) longer to decide I want to date someone than it does the “usual” person. Maybe I’ve missed out on some great times by being so incredibly slow to initiate dates. But I tend to wait until I know women and really know we have something of interest to explore before I ask for a date. I’m sure that’s the reason a fairly large number of women have asked me out. They probably got tired of waiting for me to take the initiative. I’ll consider that possibility.
Anyway, I’m with Jillianne. I wouldn’t have taken “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” as a pick-up line. I would have just taken it as an offer of help with bananas. If he (or she, in my case) wanted more than that, she would have had to say more. And, if I wanted more than that, I would have taken it as my responsibility to say more than that. I wouldn’t have expected her to guess what I really meant.
And if you, like some people, think I’m taking all the romance out of it by wanting clear and explicit communication, then that means that we wouldn’t get along with each other anyway. Neither of us is wrong. We’re just different, and we both have the right and the privilege to have it our way in our relationships – just not with each other.
Namaste,
Michael
Another friend replied that "are you looking for the ripe ones" is probably a pick up line. Then, after another exchange, she jokingly asked, “Didn't your parents teach you anything?”
I’ll admit that my parents didn’t teach me anything about connecting with women and dating – at least anything worth knowing. I’m sure they didn’t know all that much of value. I have no idea how they got together – how they met or started their first conversation. About all I know is that they liked to dance together and that they pushed that as THE way for me to connect with women. I, of course, being as resistant to my parents as I was, refused to learn to dance. Maybe it’s best that they didn’t try to teach me anything really valuable. I probably would have resisted that, too. As it was, I was free to learn anything that might be really helpful to me without it being contaminated by shoulds from my parents.
So I’ve spent much of my adult life learning about relationships. I’ve learned quite a bit, and I’ve developed some ideas about what works for people like me and what doesn’t. For quite a few years in Seattle I taught a class I called New Ways to Meet New People. It wasn’t, as I emphasized to the participants, about the RIGHT ways to meet new people. It was just ways to meet people that were different than what I saw most people doing, ways that had different results, ways that worked better for, as I said, people like me.
But, that’s all really just introduction to what I want to say.
I don’t understand the whole idea of pick-up lines. He says to her, “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” Then she’s supposed to say, “Yes, I’ll go out with you” because she gets that he’s trying to pick her up? Does that actually happen in real life?
And how is he supposed to know from just seeing her in the produce aisle trying to choose bananas that they have anything in common other than an affinity for long yellow fruit? Or maybe all he cares about is that he finds her physically attractive. That seems to be all it takes for a lot of people to want to begin dating. People like me want to know what kind of person she is in addition to whether we like her body.
What I do understand is conversation starters. He says, “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” and then they begin to talk and get to know a few things about each other. Eventually (maybe only 5 or 10 minutes there in the produce aisle, but after learning something interesting about her), he says (or she says, because, yes, women can initiate dates with men), “Would you be interested in continuing getting to know each other? How about if we go to lunch?” (or something like that).
She doesn’t have to guess what he means by “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” All he was doing was starting a conversation (and being helpful). If they talk more and think they’d like to keep talking, then either of them can say so openly. No pick up lines, just conversation leading to a clear request. I understand that. That’s what works for people like me.
It occurs to me that I could well have missed the subtle implications of what women have said to me any number of times in life. I know I did one time when I was in my mid-20s and recently out of my first marriage. She asked me, “Where do you live?” I told her. It didn’t occur to me until weeks later that she might have been asking me to take her home with me. I freely admit that I’m slow about picking up on things like that. That’s why people like me prefer clear communication and explicit requests.
And furthermore, it takes me (and people like me) longer to decide I want to date someone than it does the “usual” person. Maybe I’ve missed out on some great times by being so incredibly slow to initiate dates. But I tend to wait until I know women and really know we have something of interest to explore before I ask for a date. I’m sure that’s the reason a fairly large number of women have asked me out. They probably got tired of waiting for me to take the initiative. I’ll consider that possibility.
Anyway, I’m with Jillianne. I wouldn’t have taken “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” as a pick-up line. I would have just taken it as an offer of help with bananas. If he (or she, in my case) wanted more than that, she would have had to say more. And, if I wanted more than that, I would have taken it as my responsibility to say more than that. I wouldn’t have expected her to guess what I really meant.
And if you, like some people, think I’m taking all the romance out of it by wanting clear and explicit communication, then that means that we wouldn’t get along with each other anyway. Neither of us is wrong. We’re just different, and we both have the right and the privilege to have it our way in our relationships – just not with each other.
Namaste,
Michael
Friday, March 17, 2006
Taking and receiving
The other side of caring or caretaking is receiving or taking. I want to complete the picture for you, so here's another section of Margie Paul's chapter in her book Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?
Once again, I pass this along as something I agree with completely. And once again, I encourage you to read the entire book.
Taking and Receiving
You are taking when you have expectations about what another person "should" be giving you. You are taking when you expect others to do for you what you can and need to do for yourself. You are taking when you try to control what others choose to give. You are taking when you do not take responsibility for your own health and well-being and expect others to give themselves up for you – to take care of you physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, or spiritually. Anytime you expect someone to sacrifice themselves for you, you are taking. You cannot be giving when your intent is to take. This is the true definition of selfish – wanting only to take from other people, wanting others to sacrifice themselves for you, and giving to them only with the intent to get something in return.
You are receiving when you accept help when you need it. You are receiving when you allow others to mother or father you, to bring Divine Love to you. You are receiving when you lovingly take in what is offered from the heart – compliments, appreciation, validation, gifts. It is the loving Adult who allows the Inner Child to receive. It is the wounded child-adult who blocks out receiving, who just wants to take and have control over what is given.
There is no sense of obligation when you are caring and receiving – only when you are caretaking and taking. Feeling a sense of obligation can alert you to the fact that the other person is caretaking rather than caring. When there are strings attached to giving, you will probably feel obligated. When someone gives to you from the heart and obviously receives joy in the giving, you will not feel obligated. When someone is caretaking, an invisible scorecard is kept, and eventually the caretaker will get angry if you do not even the score by giving him or her something back. Many people automatically keep this invisible scorecard and, in addition to feeling that you owe them something when they caretake you, they feel that they owe you something when they take from you. This scorecard ruins many relationships.
And so it is,
Michael
Once again, I pass this along as something I agree with completely. And once again, I encourage you to read the entire book.
Taking and Receiving
You are taking when you have expectations about what another person "should" be giving you. You are taking when you expect others to do for you what you can and need to do for yourself. You are taking when you try to control what others choose to give. You are taking when you do not take responsibility for your own health and well-being and expect others to give themselves up for you – to take care of you physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, or spiritually. Anytime you expect someone to sacrifice themselves for you, you are taking. You cannot be giving when your intent is to take. This is the true definition of selfish – wanting only to take from other people, wanting others to sacrifice themselves for you, and giving to them only with the intent to get something in return.
You are receiving when you accept help when you need it. You are receiving when you allow others to mother or father you, to bring Divine Love to you. You are receiving when you lovingly take in what is offered from the heart – compliments, appreciation, validation, gifts. It is the loving Adult who allows the Inner Child to receive. It is the wounded child-adult who blocks out receiving, who just wants to take and have control over what is given.
There is no sense of obligation when you are caring and receiving – only when you are caretaking and taking. Feeling a sense of obligation can alert you to the fact that the other person is caretaking rather than caring. When there are strings attached to giving, you will probably feel obligated. When someone gives to you from the heart and obviously receives joy in the giving, you will not feel obligated. When someone is caretaking, an invisible scorecard is kept, and eventually the caretaker will get angry if you do not even the score by giving him or her something back. Many people automatically keep this invisible scorecard and, in addition to feeling that you owe them something when they caretake you, they feel that they owe you something when they take from you. This scorecard ruins many relationships.
And so it is,
Michael
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Caring and caretaking
I seldom post things other people have written, except for brief quotations and occasional poetry. I want to focus on my own writing, my own thoughts, my own feelings. This time is an exception. What I’m going to offer you is so important to me that I want to pass it along.
So, even though I didn’t write it, consider it my ideas – because I endorse it without reservation.
This is a section of a chapter in Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. I encourage you to buy and to read the entire book.
Caring and Caretaking
It is important to understand the huge difference between caring and caretaking. You are caretaking when you give to someone out of fear, obligation, or guilt. You are caretaking when you have an agenda attached. For example, you may want to be seen as good and loving, or you may want to be loved back or avoid anger. You are also caretaking when you do for another what they need to do for themselves. Giving that harms you – physically, emotionally, financially – is caretaking. Caretaking is draining. You are not bringing through God’s love. You are giving in the hopes of getting something back. When you don’t get it, you feel drained and resentful.
You are caring when, out of your love, empathy, and compassion, you do for others what they cannot do for themselves, with no strings attached. You are caring when you take care of babies, children, the elderly, the disabled, and the ill (provided they are not using their illness as a way out of personal responsibility). You are caring when you are mothering, bringing through God’s love to others who cannot yet do this for themselves. You are caring when you are fathering, taking action for others when they cannot take action for themselves.
You are caring when you give something to another as a gift with no strings attached. You may give money or time that comes from your heart and brings you joy to give. You might make a lovely dinner for someone, even though that person is fully capable of making dinner, because it gives you joy to give to him or her in this way. There are many little things you might choose to do for others because it makes their life easier, not because you expect anything in return, but because it gives you joy to do so. This is caring. This is love. This is being an instrument of God.
Caretaking is giving from the wounded child-adult – giving to get, or giving out of fear, obligation, or guilt. Caring is giving from the loving Adult, being an emissary of God.
And so it is,
Michael
So, even though I didn’t write it, consider it my ideas – because I endorse it without reservation.
This is a section of a chapter in Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. I encourage you to buy and to read the entire book.
Caring and Caretaking
It is important to understand the huge difference between caring and caretaking. You are caretaking when you give to someone out of fear, obligation, or guilt. You are caretaking when you have an agenda attached. For example, you may want to be seen as good and loving, or you may want to be loved back or avoid anger. You are also caretaking when you do for another what they need to do for themselves. Giving that harms you – physically, emotionally, financially – is caretaking. Caretaking is draining. You are not bringing through God’s love. You are giving in the hopes of getting something back. When you don’t get it, you feel drained and resentful.
You are caring when, out of your love, empathy, and compassion, you do for others what they cannot do for themselves, with no strings attached. You are caring when you take care of babies, children, the elderly, the disabled, and the ill (provided they are not using their illness as a way out of personal responsibility). You are caring when you are mothering, bringing through God’s love to others who cannot yet do this for themselves. You are caring when you are fathering, taking action for others when they cannot take action for themselves.
You are caring when you give something to another as a gift with no strings attached. You may give money or time that comes from your heart and brings you joy to give. You might make a lovely dinner for someone, even though that person is fully capable of making dinner, because it gives you joy to give to him or her in this way. There are many little things you might choose to do for others because it makes their life easier, not because you expect anything in return, but because it gives you joy to do so. This is caring. This is love. This is being an instrument of God.
Caretaking is giving from the wounded child-adult – giving to get, or giving out of fear, obligation, or guilt. Caring is giving from the loving Adult, being an emissary of God.
And so it is,
Michael
Monday, March 13, 2006
Money, depression, and staying afloat
OK, people keep expressing concern about me, so I’ll let you know how things are going.
First, the image of staying afloat reminds me of the scene at the end of the movie Titanic when Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) is in the freezing water doing his best to stay afloat. It has been very cold here in Santa Fe the past couple of days (in the teens at night). The heat in my apartment is down to conserve money, and I’m wearing 3 (and maybe more soon) layers of clothing to try to keep warm. It isn’t working well enough for someone like me who’d be happiest if the temperature was between 72° and 75° in here. That reminds me of a story, but I’ll tell it another time.
So … money. I want to express my gratitude once again to people who have helped me during my time of financial need. I see the light at the edge of the forest and am headed in that direction, but, for now, I’m still in the dark forest. I’m working a full-time job again and also have several part-time opportunities (not really jobs). By next month I’ll be able to cover most, if not all, of my obligations and begin to pay back the people who have helped. That will be a huge relief.
However, in the meantime, I’m still bobbing in the cold water. I still have some of my March rent owing. I have to give up the car I’ve been using because I couldn’t make payments. I’m out of money for food and gas (not to mention anything else) until I get my paycheck on Saturday. And I’ve reached the limit of my willingness to ask people to help me. So, like Jack, I’m concerned that I may sink before the lifeboat comes.
There is good news, though. I will have a week’s paycheck on Saturday. There are a couple of possibilities for cars that I need to follow up on. And I have all my spiritual helpers, not to mention some human ones, on my side. Maybe I’ll stay afloat after all. No, putting that as a statement of intention: I intend to stay afloat. I AM a survivor. I will find a way somehow.
As for depression …. It’s lifting. I still feel a bit depressed – and more than that occasionally (but really not too bad). What I’m doing about it is working. I’ll tell you what that is as part of another message. I’m not feeling stuck in any significant pits. My only failure to take action comes from resistance rather than depression. So, those of you who are inclined to worry about it, please don’t. I’ll be back to normal, whatever that is, soon.
There you have it. I’m welcoming whoever (whatever) appears at my door and accepting them as messengers from God. I am open to learning about loving and being a powerful co-creator with God. I accept whatever comes as part of that curriculum. Maybe I’ll run out of gas and won’t be able to get to work. Maybe I won’t have a car at all. Maybe I won’t eat anything again until Saturday. Maybe I’ll never have another romantic partner. (Didn’t mention anything about that one, did I?) Maybe all of the things I fear will come to pass. But, if that’s true, then I will learn from it all.
But, whatever comes to my door, I AM a survivor. I AM learning. I AM awakening. I AM loving. I AM loved. I AM becoming all I can be.
And so it is.
Namaste,
Michael
First, the image of staying afloat reminds me of the scene at the end of the movie Titanic when Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) is in the freezing water doing his best to stay afloat. It has been very cold here in Santa Fe the past couple of days (in the teens at night). The heat in my apartment is down to conserve money, and I’m wearing 3 (and maybe more soon) layers of clothing to try to keep warm. It isn’t working well enough for someone like me who’d be happiest if the temperature was between 72° and 75° in here. That reminds me of a story, but I’ll tell it another time.
So … money. I want to express my gratitude once again to people who have helped me during my time of financial need. I see the light at the edge of the forest and am headed in that direction, but, for now, I’m still in the dark forest. I’m working a full-time job again and also have several part-time opportunities (not really jobs). By next month I’ll be able to cover most, if not all, of my obligations and begin to pay back the people who have helped. That will be a huge relief.
However, in the meantime, I’m still bobbing in the cold water. I still have some of my March rent owing. I have to give up the car I’ve been using because I couldn’t make payments. I’m out of money for food and gas (not to mention anything else) until I get my paycheck on Saturday. And I’ve reached the limit of my willingness to ask people to help me. So, like Jack, I’m concerned that I may sink before the lifeboat comes.
There is good news, though. I will have a week’s paycheck on Saturday. There are a couple of possibilities for cars that I need to follow up on. And I have all my spiritual helpers, not to mention some human ones, on my side. Maybe I’ll stay afloat after all. No, putting that as a statement of intention: I intend to stay afloat. I AM a survivor. I will find a way somehow.
As for depression …. It’s lifting. I still feel a bit depressed – and more than that occasionally (but really not too bad). What I’m doing about it is working. I’ll tell you what that is as part of another message. I’m not feeling stuck in any significant pits. My only failure to take action comes from resistance rather than depression. So, those of you who are inclined to worry about it, please don’t. I’ll be back to normal, whatever that is, soon.
There you have it. I’m welcoming whoever (whatever) appears at my door and accepting them as messengers from God. I am open to learning about loving and being a powerful co-creator with God. I accept whatever comes as part of that curriculum. Maybe I’ll run out of gas and won’t be able to get to work. Maybe I won’t have a car at all. Maybe I won’t eat anything again until Saturday. Maybe I’ll never have another romantic partner. (Didn’t mention anything about that one, did I?) Maybe all of the things I fear will come to pass. But, if that’s true, then I will learn from it all.
But, whatever comes to my door, I AM a survivor. I AM learning. I AM awakening. I AM loving. I AM loved. I AM becoming all I can be.
And so it is.
Namaste,
Michael
Sunday, March 12, 2006
So much, so little
I have so much to say and way too little time to write it all. I’m investing time in working at several jobs to bring money in, looking for more sources of income, selling some things, replying to friends who e-mail me (and not keeping up on that very well), commenting on other people’s blogs and journals, considering what to do about a car (more about that in another message), doing my inner work, attending church, singing in a church choir, attending my 2 groups (gratitude and CODA), reading (which is really part of my inner work), and taking care of everyday things to do. And then occasionally I get around to also writing my own blogs.
What’s missing? Who notices? I immediately think of 3 things. There may be more.
Anyway, I have so much to write. Here are titles of some messages that I’m working on and haven’t yet finished:
Chemicalizing, part 2
Who are my friends? (This one will eventually be a series. Thomas inspired the idea of the series. The first part, though, is about what friendship really is.)
Addicted to love
Clearing the way (how I’m getting past depression and circumstances)
Money, abundance, and faith
Waves of love (about an insight I had about the connection between ups and downs in life and learning to love)
Dream, dream, dream (inspired by Jana; my dreams for life)
Good boys and real men (childhood messages I heard that limit me)
Invitation to be on the map (literally a map, a networking map)
Leave Santa Fe? (Is it time to move on?)
My foibles (inspired by Jillianne)
And on the average I come up with a couple of new ideas per day.
What will be the order that I post these? I don’t know. Spirit will guide me in that decision. It’s likely that some that aren’t yet on the list will come before some that are already on the list.
Here’s one of my dreams that I’ll mention now. I dream of making money from my writing. I wish I had the luxury of being able to write a lot, knowing that money is flowing in. More about that when I write about my dreams.
So, I wish I could write more frequently, and I envy those of you who write a blog/journal entry nearly every day (or more). I sometimes wonder how you do it.
Namaste,
Michael
What’s missing? Who notices? I immediately think of 3 things. There may be more.
Anyway, I have so much to write. Here are titles of some messages that I’m working on and haven’t yet finished:
Chemicalizing, part 2
Who are my friends? (This one will eventually be a series. Thomas inspired the idea of the series. The first part, though, is about what friendship really is.)
Addicted to love
Clearing the way (how I’m getting past depression and circumstances)
Money, abundance, and faith
Waves of love (about an insight I had about the connection between ups and downs in life and learning to love)
Dream, dream, dream (inspired by Jana; my dreams for life)
Good boys and real men (childhood messages I heard that limit me)
Invitation to be on the map (literally a map, a networking map)
Leave Santa Fe? (Is it time to move on?)
My foibles (inspired by Jillianne)
And on the average I come up with a couple of new ideas per day.
What will be the order that I post these? I don’t know. Spirit will guide me in that decision. It’s likely that some that aren’t yet on the list will come before some that are already on the list.
Here’s one of my dreams that I’ll mention now. I dream of making money from my writing. I wish I had the luxury of being able to write a lot, knowing that money is flowing in. More about that when I write about my dreams.
So, I wish I could write more frequently, and I envy those of you who write a blog/journal entry nearly every day (or more). I sometimes wonder how you do it.
Namaste,
Michael
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Still tired of it
A lot of people showed interest in my blog a bit over a week ago about being depressed. That just goes to show you. Don’t you think so?
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m really a natural actor. And quite a convincing one to boot. I can be feeling depressed and people will tell me how good I’m looking. I can be feeling depressed and still be making jokes at the same time. I can be feeling depressed and still smile at the people I see. An actor. I should be up there tonight winning an Oscar.
Today has largely been a down day. I started out fine, and then I saw Antoinette. She looked really pretty. I felt the urge to go over and sit with her, but I honored her wishes and left her alone. Then I got into fantasies of holding her. And I fell into a pit.
It got worse as I thought about how I don’t have enough money to pay my rent or car payment. If I keep working like I am, I’ll be OK in a couple of weeks. For now, though, I’m still in a financial bind. And so I got more mired in the pit.
And because of being depressed, I’m having difficulty getting my thoughts out into my computer right now. I just keep freezing up. OK, now is one of those times for me to acknowledge that I’m resisting.
In the past couple of days I’ve written to friends about how difficult it is to break free of “comfort” zones and to really change our lives. It can be done, but it takes a lot of awareness, willingness, and doing whatever it takes. The problem with depression is that it undermines my energy to do what it takes to change my comfort zone of being depressed. Catch 22.
But I do know what I need to do. Or at least, some of it. I just have to keep moving ahead with it as best I can.
A number of people have written to me encouraging me to consider anti-depressants and saying they’ve used them and that the meds have helped them overcome depression. I wasn’t clear about why I’m reluctant to use them. I did try Zoloft a number of years ago. I hated it. I went around feeling drugged, and the side effects were a real problem for me. So, I stopped taking it. Maybe a different anti-depressant would work better for me. I don’t know. I’m resisting again.
But, as I said last week, I must do something about it. I keep hoping things will change so that my depression just goes away. I know, though, that I’m looking outside myself for a solution and that the real solution is within. Time get out of denial and to use what I know.
May I have the energy to do that effectively.
Namaste,
Michael
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m really a natural actor. And quite a convincing one to boot. I can be feeling depressed and people will tell me how good I’m looking. I can be feeling depressed and still be making jokes at the same time. I can be feeling depressed and still smile at the people I see. An actor. I should be up there tonight winning an Oscar.
Today has largely been a down day. I started out fine, and then I saw Antoinette. She looked really pretty. I felt the urge to go over and sit with her, but I honored her wishes and left her alone. Then I got into fantasies of holding her. And I fell into a pit.
It got worse as I thought about how I don’t have enough money to pay my rent or car payment. If I keep working like I am, I’ll be OK in a couple of weeks. For now, though, I’m still in a financial bind. And so I got more mired in the pit.
And because of being depressed, I’m having difficulty getting my thoughts out into my computer right now. I just keep freezing up. OK, now is one of those times for me to acknowledge that I’m resisting.
In the past couple of days I’ve written to friends about how difficult it is to break free of “comfort” zones and to really change our lives. It can be done, but it takes a lot of awareness, willingness, and doing whatever it takes. The problem with depression is that it undermines my energy to do what it takes to change my comfort zone of being depressed. Catch 22.
But I do know what I need to do. Or at least, some of it. I just have to keep moving ahead with it as best I can.
A number of people have written to me encouraging me to consider anti-depressants and saying they’ve used them and that the meds have helped them overcome depression. I wasn’t clear about why I’m reluctant to use them. I did try Zoloft a number of years ago. I hated it. I went around feeling drugged, and the side effects were a real problem for me. So, I stopped taking it. Maybe a different anti-depressant would work better for me. I don’t know. I’m resisting again.
But, as I said last week, I must do something about it. I keep hoping things will change so that my depression just goes away. I know, though, that I’m looking outside myself for a solution and that the real solution is within. Time get out of denial and to use what I know.
May I have the energy to do that effectively.
Namaste,
Michael
Saturday, March 04, 2006
I've been resisting my own good
At least a couple of years ago I first read a chapter called “The Resistance Syndrome: When Resisting Is More Important Than Loving” in the book Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. I remember at the time feeling rocked by it, experiencing at a deep level that I had found the explanation for why so many things haven’t worked well in my life. I was excited to have discovered what seemed to be a key to my liberation.
I promptly forgot about it.
I guess I wasn’t ready for it yet. Well, the truth is that I was embroiled in a drama in life (my former relationship) that could have been used as an example in the chapter. I was desperately in resistance and wasn’t ready to step out of it. So, I forgot – which, no surprise, is one of the common things people in resistance do.
Lately I’ve been asking God and all my spiritual helpers for awakening regarding becoming liberated and releasing all those patterns that I’ve felt so stuck in – disappointment in relationship, financial lack, under-fulfilled potential, frustration with work, major health issues, never being happy with my home, recurring depression, chronic procrastination, and a general dissatisfaction with my life.
And I’ve been receiving answers. I know I always will when I ask and then pay attention. That’s the way the spiritual world works. God’s representatives – my angels, guides, and teachers – are eager to give me all I need to become liberated, to spiritually awaken, and to have a magnificent life. They can hardly wait for me to listen. They’re ever-present and trying to get through to me all the time in ways too numerous to count.
So, lately I’ve been paying attention. I am ready to change my life. All those spiritual helpers are cheering.
“Read,” I was told. I walked over and opened one of my boxes of books. Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? was right on top. “That one,” they told me. “OK,” I said, not resisting. (See, I knew I could do it.)
It took me a few days to get to the chapter on resistance again. When I did, though, I had the same reaction I had experienced the first time I read it. I knew I had found something important for me. No, not just something important – something crucial.
Here’s a brief explanation of the Resistance Syndrome. I'll write more about it in my coaching blog, The Heart of the Matter (which I’ve been largely ignoring for some time).
Those of us who grew up with controlling and/or engulfing parents (like mine) may make a powerful choice to resist them in some significant way. That choice may then be generalized to anyone or anything we perceive as being controlling or engulfing (and we tend to be exceptionally broad in defining controlling and engulfing). Eventually we go on automatic pilot about that resistance.
The really pernicious part of it is that we are so on auto pilot about it that we even resist the people and things that we know are in our best interests. We even resist the part of ourselves that is trying to change our lives. We even resist God. It feels as if not letting anyone or anything else “win over us” is a life or death matter.
So, for example, when I get into a relationship, I tend to find someone who will try to control me and then resist her. If she isn’t really trying to control, I tend to misperceive her as doing so and resist her. As you might imagine, that detracts more than a little from the potential wonder of the relationship. And, I admit, much to my chagrin, that this is exactly the dynamic I had with A. At this point I honestly can’t tell you for sure whether she was trying to control me or not. All I can say for sure is that it appeared that way to me. It’s possible that it was all my misperception. Maybe I’d think any woman I was in relationship with was trying to control me.
Here’s another example: I’ve been working on prosperity for many years. I’ve taken many classes and workshops. I’ve taken 4T’s something like 8 times and also practically every other prosperity program that has come along. I’ve read nearly every book ever written about prosperity. Nothing has worked to make a significant difference in my prosperity. And there’s some part of me that feels an adolescent glee and pride about none of those things working on me. (Notice “on,” not “for.”) I “won.” I defeated the attempts to change me. And no matter what I do to rid myself of it, I still hold onto a consciousness that prosperity is evil in some way.
Briefly, here are the 6 symptoms Margaret Paul tells us characterize the Resistance Syndrome. She says that most people who are suffering with it will identify with at least 3 of them.
1. Being stuck. No matter what we do, nothing helps to make our lives better.
2. Having had controlling parents.
3. Wanting to change, but not taking consistent meaningful action.
4. Denying our real motivation. Being in denial that avoiding being controlled is more important to us than are love, happiness, success, etc.
5. Resenting the goal, maybe even judging it as unworthy.
6. Getting satisfaction out of others’ frustration with us. Feeling like a rebellious adolescent who is winning the power struggle with his or her parents.
I identify with all 6 of the symptoms. If you’ve been reading my messages for a while, maybe you’ve seen them in what I’ve written. Perhaps I'll write later about each of the areas in which I feel stuck and say more about how the symptoms appear in those parts of my life.
The good news is that there is a way out. Margaret suggests 4 steps for us to disentangle ourselves from the Resistance Syndrome.
1. Notice that resistance is a choice, and notice ourselves making that choice. Don’t try to change it. Just observe it, and then consciously choose to resist (choose what we’re already doing).
2. Notice the consequences of that choice.
3. Make a new choice. Choose to make becoming a loving person more important than whether or not we’re being controlled. Allow ourselves to be controlled, if that’s what has to happen. The irony, she suggests, is that when we give up resisting being controlled, we never actually get controlled.
4. Use Inner Bonding (a fabulous process she teaches) to release false beliefs, to adopt supportive beliefs, and to receive God’s guidance. Then, of course, follow that guidance.
I'm feeling hopeful. And I already have begun observing myself resisting and choosing to resist. I'm on my way.
So, I may become a bit of a pain in the nether parts about noticing anything that seems like control to me and choosing to resist it, even if the people are trying to help. Or, maybe you won’t even know I'm doing it. But, in case you do, I apologize in advance.
Here are some things I notice myself resisting: advice (maybe that should be capitalized since I resist it so much), being told things I already know, patronizing tones of voice (or writing), demands, goals, good ideas, punishment, superior attitudes, manipulation, anger, authority, lectures, force, and being told what to do. As I look back in life, I see so much resistance to some of those things. I suspect there will be more things I resist to add to the list. That gives me a place to start, though.
If any of you happens to want to bypass my resistance, here’s what works as much as anything will:
1. Talk to me as my equal.
2. Tell me about your experience and what works for you instead of telling me what to do (as all 12-steppers know).
3. Ask me if I want feedback or suggestions before you give them to me. This only applies to feedback that I might not like, but to all suggestions. I'll try to remember to explicitly state if I'm open to feedback and suggestions.
4. Assume I already know what you’re going to tell me and say that you’re just reminding me of it.
5. Don’t approach me in anger. Calm down first.
6. …. I'll think of more, I'm sure.
Eventually, when I’ve broken out of the Resistance Syndrome, people won’t need to be so careful with me. For now, though, all you’ll get is resistance if you aren’t careful. (If you’re stuck in the Resistance Syndrome yourself, you’ll probably feel resistant to these things and may want to stick them in my face. There’s one of those frequent dynamics in my relationship with A. I really need to apologize to her for being so in resistance to her.)
Want to know something that I find fascinating and more than a little synchronistic, given that the Resistance Syndrome was such a problem for me in my relationship with A? The second evening I knew A. in person I took her to an evening workshop with Margaret Paul. Months later I took her to another one. But by then she was in her own resistance to it. Do you think my spiritual helpers were telling me something?
OK, I'm wondering if anyone else identifies with this. Surely I'm not the only one. Or, am I?
Namaste,
Michael
I promptly forgot about it.
I guess I wasn’t ready for it yet. Well, the truth is that I was embroiled in a drama in life (my former relationship) that could have been used as an example in the chapter. I was desperately in resistance and wasn’t ready to step out of it. So, I forgot – which, no surprise, is one of the common things people in resistance do.
Lately I’ve been asking God and all my spiritual helpers for awakening regarding becoming liberated and releasing all those patterns that I’ve felt so stuck in – disappointment in relationship, financial lack, under-fulfilled potential, frustration with work, major health issues, never being happy with my home, recurring depression, chronic procrastination, and a general dissatisfaction with my life.
And I’ve been receiving answers. I know I always will when I ask and then pay attention. That’s the way the spiritual world works. God’s representatives – my angels, guides, and teachers – are eager to give me all I need to become liberated, to spiritually awaken, and to have a magnificent life. They can hardly wait for me to listen. They’re ever-present and trying to get through to me all the time in ways too numerous to count.
So, lately I’ve been paying attention. I am ready to change my life. All those spiritual helpers are cheering.
“Read,” I was told. I walked over and opened one of my boxes of books. Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? was right on top. “That one,” they told me. “OK,” I said, not resisting. (See, I knew I could do it.)
It took me a few days to get to the chapter on resistance again. When I did, though, I had the same reaction I had experienced the first time I read it. I knew I had found something important for me. No, not just something important – something crucial.
Here’s a brief explanation of the Resistance Syndrome. I'll write more about it in my coaching blog, The Heart of the Matter (which I’ve been largely ignoring for some time).
Those of us who grew up with controlling and/or engulfing parents (like mine) may make a powerful choice to resist them in some significant way. That choice may then be generalized to anyone or anything we perceive as being controlling or engulfing (and we tend to be exceptionally broad in defining controlling and engulfing). Eventually we go on automatic pilot about that resistance.
The really pernicious part of it is that we are so on auto pilot about it that we even resist the people and things that we know are in our best interests. We even resist the part of ourselves that is trying to change our lives. We even resist God. It feels as if not letting anyone or anything else “win over us” is a life or death matter.
So, for example, when I get into a relationship, I tend to find someone who will try to control me and then resist her. If she isn’t really trying to control, I tend to misperceive her as doing so and resist her. As you might imagine, that detracts more than a little from the potential wonder of the relationship. And, I admit, much to my chagrin, that this is exactly the dynamic I had with A. At this point I honestly can’t tell you for sure whether she was trying to control me or not. All I can say for sure is that it appeared that way to me. It’s possible that it was all my misperception. Maybe I’d think any woman I was in relationship with was trying to control me.
Here’s another example: I’ve been working on prosperity for many years. I’ve taken many classes and workshops. I’ve taken 4T’s something like 8 times and also practically every other prosperity program that has come along. I’ve read nearly every book ever written about prosperity. Nothing has worked to make a significant difference in my prosperity. And there’s some part of me that feels an adolescent glee and pride about none of those things working on me. (Notice “on,” not “for.”) I “won.” I defeated the attempts to change me. And no matter what I do to rid myself of it, I still hold onto a consciousness that prosperity is evil in some way.
Briefly, here are the 6 symptoms Margaret Paul tells us characterize the Resistance Syndrome. She says that most people who are suffering with it will identify with at least 3 of them.
1. Being stuck. No matter what we do, nothing helps to make our lives better.
2. Having had controlling parents.
3. Wanting to change, but not taking consistent meaningful action.
4. Denying our real motivation. Being in denial that avoiding being controlled is more important to us than are love, happiness, success, etc.
5. Resenting the goal, maybe even judging it as unworthy.
6. Getting satisfaction out of others’ frustration with us. Feeling like a rebellious adolescent who is winning the power struggle with his or her parents.
I identify with all 6 of the symptoms. If you’ve been reading my messages for a while, maybe you’ve seen them in what I’ve written. Perhaps I'll write later about each of the areas in which I feel stuck and say more about how the symptoms appear in those parts of my life.
The good news is that there is a way out. Margaret suggests 4 steps for us to disentangle ourselves from the Resistance Syndrome.
1. Notice that resistance is a choice, and notice ourselves making that choice. Don’t try to change it. Just observe it, and then consciously choose to resist (choose what we’re already doing).
2. Notice the consequences of that choice.
3. Make a new choice. Choose to make becoming a loving person more important than whether or not we’re being controlled. Allow ourselves to be controlled, if that’s what has to happen. The irony, she suggests, is that when we give up resisting being controlled, we never actually get controlled.
4. Use Inner Bonding (a fabulous process she teaches) to release false beliefs, to adopt supportive beliefs, and to receive God’s guidance. Then, of course, follow that guidance.
I'm feeling hopeful. And I already have begun observing myself resisting and choosing to resist. I'm on my way.
So, I may become a bit of a pain in the nether parts about noticing anything that seems like control to me and choosing to resist it, even if the people are trying to help. Or, maybe you won’t even know I'm doing it. But, in case you do, I apologize in advance.
Here are some things I notice myself resisting: advice (maybe that should be capitalized since I resist it so much), being told things I already know, patronizing tones of voice (or writing), demands, goals, good ideas, punishment, superior attitudes, manipulation, anger, authority, lectures, force, and being told what to do. As I look back in life, I see so much resistance to some of those things. I suspect there will be more things I resist to add to the list. That gives me a place to start, though.
If any of you happens to want to bypass my resistance, here’s what works as much as anything will:
1. Talk to me as my equal.
2. Tell me about your experience and what works for you instead of telling me what to do (as all 12-steppers know).
3. Ask me if I want feedback or suggestions before you give them to me. This only applies to feedback that I might not like, but to all suggestions. I'll try to remember to explicitly state if I'm open to feedback and suggestions.
4. Assume I already know what you’re going to tell me and say that you’re just reminding me of it.
5. Don’t approach me in anger. Calm down first.
6. …. I'll think of more, I'm sure.
Eventually, when I’ve broken out of the Resistance Syndrome, people won’t need to be so careful with me. For now, though, all you’ll get is resistance if you aren’t careful. (If you’re stuck in the Resistance Syndrome yourself, you’ll probably feel resistant to these things and may want to stick them in my face. There’s one of those frequent dynamics in my relationship with A. I really need to apologize to her for being so in resistance to her.)
Want to know something that I find fascinating and more than a little synchronistic, given that the Resistance Syndrome was such a problem for me in my relationship with A? The second evening I knew A. in person I took her to an evening workshop with Margaret Paul. Months later I took her to another one. But by then she was in her own resistance to it. Do you think my spiritual helpers were telling me something?
OK, I'm wondering if anyone else identifies with this. Surely I'm not the only one. Or, am I?
Namaste,
Michael
Monday, February 27, 2006
On several hands
When I first thought of writing this, I was only aware of 2 hands. Now, as I write this sentence, I’ve become aware of 3 more. Who knows how many I'll be aware of by the time I finish.
“Hands?” you ask. “What are you talking about?”
You know. On one hand, this is true. On the other hand, that is true. Well, I now have 5 hands. I guess I'm some sort of human octopus. Either that or else I'm borrowing some of your hands. I'm avoiding saying anything about being handy.
And what do I have all these hands about? Antoinette. Or, more accurately, my relationship with Antoinette. Or, even still more accurately, my former relationship with Antoinette.
I shall elaborate. (And it’s grown to 6 hands in the space of these few lines.)
Hand 1: I love Antoinette, and I'm grieving for her and for our relationship. I miss her and all the wonderful things we had together – experiences, eating together, supporting each other through stressful times, rituals, shared “kids,” plans for the future, and so much more. I feel so sad that it didn’t work out as we both hoped it would. We were so thrilled to meet and get involved. I remember how excited I was the day she arrived in Santa Fe when she moved here. I nearly flew over to see her. There are so many special memories. No matter what, I'll always love her – though the form of that love may change.
Hand 2: We’re so different – different values, different backgrounds, different beliefs. We just couldn’t work as a couple. I don’t really want to be back together as a couple because we’ve demonstrated that we can’t live together happily. I just want to be friends.
Hand 3: If we both agreed to go into counseling together and to make genuine efforts to work out solutions without either of us having to give up who we really are or having to lose, I would try it.
(It’s up to 8 hands now.)
Hand 4: Even if we did try that, I can’t imagine how we could ever resolve our differences without one or both of us sacrificing what’s important to us about ourselves. We are SO different.
Hand 5: I hate not having a romantic partner, and I'm very lonely. She was a woman who paid attention to me, who wanted to be with me, who cared about me, who shared wonderful experiences with me. How many women are there in the world who I might be able to say those things about? How can I let her go?
(Up to 9 hands.)
Hand 6: I know that I need to heal my hate for being alone before I'm really ready for the right relationship for me.
(10 hands.)
Hand 7: I'm angry at her for some of the things she said and did. No, I won’t elaborate.
Hand 8: I know that she was right about some of the things she said. I do have some things to work out before I'm ready for that right relationship.
(11 hands.)
Hand 9: I believed that our relationship was spiritually right, spiritually destined. I think we both believed that at one time. Maybe it was. Maybe it still is.
Hand 10: Maybe we’ve completed what we were supposed to do and to learn together. Maybe the spiritual appropriateness of our relationship once was, but has ended. Maybe there’s some good reason for us not to be together any longer. Maybe there’s a lot for me to learn. Maybe there’s someone else I'm supposed to connect with. Maybe the same is true for her.
Hand 11: Antoinette contributed so much to me that I am enormously grateful for. How can I not have the chance to give back?
And parts of me espouse all 11 of those hands. And, what’s more, I hold them all at once. For example, I want to be back with her and don’t want to be back with her and just want us to be friends all simultaneously. What doesn’t waver at all is that I still want her in my life in some way.
I'm not very good at leaving relationships. Can you tell? It tears my heart up. I miss her so much. I don’t even like to see other people break up. I’ve been known to grieve for other people’s lost relationships sometimes.
What does my guidance say? What’s really spiritually right? More about that later.
Namaste,
Michael
“Hands?” you ask. “What are you talking about?”
You know. On one hand, this is true. On the other hand, that is true. Well, I now have 5 hands. I guess I'm some sort of human octopus. Either that or else I'm borrowing some of your hands. I'm avoiding saying anything about being handy.
And what do I have all these hands about? Antoinette. Or, more accurately, my relationship with Antoinette. Or, even still more accurately, my former relationship with Antoinette.
I shall elaborate. (And it’s grown to 6 hands in the space of these few lines.)
Hand 1: I love Antoinette, and I'm grieving for her and for our relationship. I miss her and all the wonderful things we had together – experiences, eating together, supporting each other through stressful times, rituals, shared “kids,” plans for the future, and so much more. I feel so sad that it didn’t work out as we both hoped it would. We were so thrilled to meet and get involved. I remember how excited I was the day she arrived in Santa Fe when she moved here. I nearly flew over to see her. There are so many special memories. No matter what, I'll always love her – though the form of that love may change.
Hand 2: We’re so different – different values, different backgrounds, different beliefs. We just couldn’t work as a couple. I don’t really want to be back together as a couple because we’ve demonstrated that we can’t live together happily. I just want to be friends.
Hand 3: If we both agreed to go into counseling together and to make genuine efforts to work out solutions without either of us having to give up who we really are or having to lose, I would try it.
(It’s up to 8 hands now.)
Hand 4: Even if we did try that, I can’t imagine how we could ever resolve our differences without one or both of us sacrificing what’s important to us about ourselves. We are SO different.
Hand 5: I hate not having a romantic partner, and I'm very lonely. She was a woman who paid attention to me, who wanted to be with me, who cared about me, who shared wonderful experiences with me. How many women are there in the world who I might be able to say those things about? How can I let her go?
(Up to 9 hands.)
Hand 6: I know that I need to heal my hate for being alone before I'm really ready for the right relationship for me.
(10 hands.)
Hand 7: I'm angry at her for some of the things she said and did. No, I won’t elaborate.
Hand 8: I know that she was right about some of the things she said. I do have some things to work out before I'm ready for that right relationship.
(11 hands.)
Hand 9: I believed that our relationship was spiritually right, spiritually destined. I think we both believed that at one time. Maybe it was. Maybe it still is.
Hand 10: Maybe we’ve completed what we were supposed to do and to learn together. Maybe the spiritual appropriateness of our relationship once was, but has ended. Maybe there’s some good reason for us not to be together any longer. Maybe there’s a lot for me to learn. Maybe there’s someone else I'm supposed to connect with. Maybe the same is true for her.
Hand 11: Antoinette contributed so much to me that I am enormously grateful for. How can I not have the chance to give back?
And parts of me espouse all 11 of those hands. And, what’s more, I hold them all at once. For example, I want to be back with her and don’t want to be back with her and just want us to be friends all simultaneously. What doesn’t waver at all is that I still want her in my life in some way.
I'm not very good at leaving relationships. Can you tell? It tears my heart up. I miss her so much. I don’t even like to see other people break up. I’ve been known to grieve for other people’s lost relationships sometimes.
What does my guidance say? What’s really spiritually right? More about that later.
Namaste,
Michael
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Tired of it
I'm tired of it. Or, maybe, it's tiring me out. Or, maybe, being tired is causing it (at least in part).
I've written recently about being depressed. If you've been reading these messages, you probably remember. I have to do something about it. Enough. I'm tired of it.
Most of the time it's "just" an underlying foundation of feeling a little down, a little gray. I don't feel the joy in living that I aspire to. Oh, occasionally I have some highs, but they're situational and don't last long. It's usually hard for me to imagine that most other people don't feel a little down most of the time, too.
But, every once in awhile, I fall into a pit. Then I feel really depressed. I have trouble sleeping when I want to (usually waking up about 4 in the morning and not being able to fall back asleep). Consequently, I feel tired all the time and tend to want to sleep when it isn't appropriate. I lack energy and can't motivate myself to do anything of value – anything I know I need to do. I feel lots of fear and just want to hide out from anything that might be at all stressful. When I can summon the energy, I try to climb out of the pit, but keep slipping and falling back in. I keep thinking (oddly enough to me), "I want to go home." What's that all about? I don't know what I mean by home. It just arises from somewhere deep within. And I keep on keeping on until somehow I finally find my way out of the pit – usually seemingly magically and apparently not as a result of anything I've done intentionally.
How long does it last? Sometimes hours. Sometimes days. Sometimes weeks. So far, for me, never longer than that. Then, pop! Somehow I'm out of the pit and back to a better place for hours or days or weeks or months or even years. Sometimes I go to sleep in the pit and wake up out of it. Sometimes it just happens in the middle of the day, for no apparent reason.
Same with becoming more deeply depressed. "Falling in a pit" is an apt description because it usually just happens suddenly, just like falling into a pit. Just as one example, I was at a meeting last week, and for the first few minutes of the meeting I was fine. Then, all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, I fell, and I was really down for the rest of the evening.
What sets it off? God, I wish I knew. If I knew, then maybe there would be something I could do about it. I know there are certain conditions that seem to be related to it. I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when it's dark a lot. I know that I have problems with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). That's one of the reasons I left Seattle – way too much dark in the winters – and moved to Santa Fe where we have 300 days of sunshine every year. And I know that I felt depressed for a few weeks around Christmas this year – the darkest time of the year here in the northern hemisphere. On the other hand, I dropped into the pit this afternoon in the middle of the day, and I don't fall every evening. So, that isn't the only answer.
I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when I'm grieving for a lost relationship. This is a big one for me, but, again, not the only answer. And I've been known to grieve for years for a short relationship. It doesn't follow any of those stock guidelines I've heard, like grieving a year for every 2 years I was in the relationship. I have no idea how long I'll grieve for my relationship with A. All I know is that I am now. So, yes, this is part of it. I miss all the wonderful parts of our time together, and I feel really lonely. I'm going to write an entire message about this soon – about all the different positions I have about the relationship that was.
I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when I'm seriously ill – as I have been off and on for the past 6 years. Hopefully, now that I'm feeling fine and have good medical results, this won't be a contributing factor any longer – though it certainly has been.
I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when I've been low on money and feeling fearful about it. This one, at least, has an obvious solution. The problem is that when I'm in the pit, I have a very difficult time doing what I need to do to make money.
As I write this, I notice that all 4 of those conditions have been true for me in the recent past months. That helps make some sense of it, though not about why I'm not deeply depressed some of the time when all of the conditions are true. God, maybe I should be even more depressed than I am! Maybe I'm really demonstrating that I'm a survivor.
I wish people could understand, and I know that people who've never been depressed don't seem to be able to, no matter what anyone tells them. Those who have been depressed, though, don't need to be told. They know from experience.
Depression isn't a new thing for me. I've been mildly depressed a lot of the time, punctuated by occasional deeper depression, falling into the pit, as far back as I can remember – and I can remember back to when I was a small child. In reply to my father's simplistic urging for me to "just laugh and be happy," I remember saying as a kid, "What's there to be happy about?"
And, of course, as I said, there have been those times when there has been something to be happy about – for example, a new relationship, an accomplishment, or a pleasurable experience. So, then I've been briefly happy. But rarely have I woken up in the morning with the feeling of "thank you God for most this amazing day" (e. e. cummings – one of my favorite poems).
I did experience that in 1997 for a little over 6 weeks. I recall it vividly. It contributed to my moving to Santa Fe. Some of you may remember if you've been reading my messages for that long or if you went back and read past messages. I took a long trip through the southwest – mostly to New Mexico – while I was still living in the Seattle area, a trip that I called "more a vision quest than a vacation." During that time, I felt joy a lot of the time, with only short periods of feeling low. It was magnificent. It's the way I wish I could feel usually. Reviewing it in my memory, some of the happiness rises in me. Every day felt like an "amazing day."
And there were the times when I was in the throes of a new relationship. For example, the 11 days I spent with A. when she first visited Santa Fe, before she returned to Maui, were joy from beginning to end, no matter what happened. In fact, whatever happened, no matter how problematical, just seemed to contribute more to the love and to the joy. It was because of our coming through a couple of real difficult experiences together and my feeling A's caring and emotional support that I first knew for certain that I was in love with her. What magnificent memories!
Those are examples of what I wish life could be for me all of the time – happiness no matter what, with rare, brief dips into feeling low. I know it's possible. Other people feel that way most of the time. Why not me?
What's wrong with me? Why am I cursed with this damned depression? It feels shameful to me. Of course, I know the theories. Maybe it's genetic. Maybe it's learned. Maybe it's my consciousness. Maybe it's some biochemical aberration. All something wrong with me, though. Shame-worthy. How can I expect anyone to respect me? How can I expect anyone to admire my work? How can I expect any woman I'd want to be with to want to be with me (at least for long)? I have to find a solution.
The fact is that I do have a family history of depression. I think everyone in my family was depressed when I was young. So, it could be genetic, or it could be learned.
I just have to keep doing my work about it. I don't like the medical solutions – anti-depressants – very much, but I'm almost at a point of being willing to try them.
I must do something.
Well, now more than ever, I need to remember Claire. "We are intrepid. We carry on." Indeed.
Namaste,
Michael
I've written recently about being depressed. If you've been reading these messages, you probably remember. I have to do something about it. Enough. I'm tired of it.
Most of the time it's "just" an underlying foundation of feeling a little down, a little gray. I don't feel the joy in living that I aspire to. Oh, occasionally I have some highs, but they're situational and don't last long. It's usually hard for me to imagine that most other people don't feel a little down most of the time, too.
But, every once in awhile, I fall into a pit. Then I feel really depressed. I have trouble sleeping when I want to (usually waking up about 4 in the morning and not being able to fall back asleep). Consequently, I feel tired all the time and tend to want to sleep when it isn't appropriate. I lack energy and can't motivate myself to do anything of value – anything I know I need to do. I feel lots of fear and just want to hide out from anything that might be at all stressful. When I can summon the energy, I try to climb out of the pit, but keep slipping and falling back in. I keep thinking (oddly enough to me), "I want to go home." What's that all about? I don't know what I mean by home. It just arises from somewhere deep within. And I keep on keeping on until somehow I finally find my way out of the pit – usually seemingly magically and apparently not as a result of anything I've done intentionally.
How long does it last? Sometimes hours. Sometimes days. Sometimes weeks. So far, for me, never longer than that. Then, pop! Somehow I'm out of the pit and back to a better place for hours or days or weeks or months or even years. Sometimes I go to sleep in the pit and wake up out of it. Sometimes it just happens in the middle of the day, for no apparent reason.
Same with becoming more deeply depressed. "Falling in a pit" is an apt description because it usually just happens suddenly, just like falling into a pit. Just as one example, I was at a meeting last week, and for the first few minutes of the meeting I was fine. Then, all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, I fell, and I was really down for the rest of the evening.
What sets it off? God, I wish I knew. If I knew, then maybe there would be something I could do about it. I know there are certain conditions that seem to be related to it. I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when it's dark a lot. I know that I have problems with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). That's one of the reasons I left Seattle – way too much dark in the winters – and moved to Santa Fe where we have 300 days of sunshine every year. And I know that I felt depressed for a few weeks around Christmas this year – the darkest time of the year here in the northern hemisphere. On the other hand, I dropped into the pit this afternoon in the middle of the day, and I don't fall every evening. So, that isn't the only answer.
I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when I'm grieving for a lost relationship. This is a big one for me, but, again, not the only answer. And I've been known to grieve for years for a short relationship. It doesn't follow any of those stock guidelines I've heard, like grieving a year for every 2 years I was in the relationship. I have no idea how long I'll grieve for my relationship with A. All I know is that I am now. So, yes, this is part of it. I miss all the wonderful parts of our time together, and I feel really lonely. I'm going to write an entire message about this soon – about all the different positions I have about the relationship that was.
I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when I'm seriously ill – as I have been off and on for the past 6 years. Hopefully, now that I'm feeling fine and have good medical results, this won't be a contributing factor any longer – though it certainly has been.
I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when I've been low on money and feeling fearful about it. This one, at least, has an obvious solution. The problem is that when I'm in the pit, I have a very difficult time doing what I need to do to make money.
As I write this, I notice that all 4 of those conditions have been true for me in the recent past months. That helps make some sense of it, though not about why I'm not deeply depressed some of the time when all of the conditions are true. God, maybe I should be even more depressed than I am! Maybe I'm really demonstrating that I'm a survivor.
I wish people could understand, and I know that people who've never been depressed don't seem to be able to, no matter what anyone tells them. Those who have been depressed, though, don't need to be told. They know from experience.
Depression isn't a new thing for me. I've been mildly depressed a lot of the time, punctuated by occasional deeper depression, falling into the pit, as far back as I can remember – and I can remember back to when I was a small child. In reply to my father's simplistic urging for me to "just laugh and be happy," I remember saying as a kid, "What's there to be happy about?"
And, of course, as I said, there have been those times when there has been something to be happy about – for example, a new relationship, an accomplishment, or a pleasurable experience. So, then I've been briefly happy. But rarely have I woken up in the morning with the feeling of "thank you God for most this amazing day" (e. e. cummings – one of my favorite poems).
I did experience that in 1997 for a little over 6 weeks. I recall it vividly. It contributed to my moving to Santa Fe. Some of you may remember if you've been reading my messages for that long or if you went back and read past messages. I took a long trip through the southwest – mostly to New Mexico – while I was still living in the Seattle area, a trip that I called "more a vision quest than a vacation." During that time, I felt joy a lot of the time, with only short periods of feeling low. It was magnificent. It's the way I wish I could feel usually. Reviewing it in my memory, some of the happiness rises in me. Every day felt like an "amazing day."
And there were the times when I was in the throes of a new relationship. For example, the 11 days I spent with A. when she first visited Santa Fe, before she returned to Maui, were joy from beginning to end, no matter what happened. In fact, whatever happened, no matter how problematical, just seemed to contribute more to the love and to the joy. It was because of our coming through a couple of real difficult experiences together and my feeling A's caring and emotional support that I first knew for certain that I was in love with her. What magnificent memories!
Those are examples of what I wish life could be for me all of the time – happiness no matter what, with rare, brief dips into feeling low. I know it's possible. Other people feel that way most of the time. Why not me?
What's wrong with me? Why am I cursed with this damned depression? It feels shameful to me. Of course, I know the theories. Maybe it's genetic. Maybe it's learned. Maybe it's my consciousness. Maybe it's some biochemical aberration. All something wrong with me, though. Shame-worthy. How can I expect anyone to respect me? How can I expect anyone to admire my work? How can I expect any woman I'd want to be with to want to be with me (at least for long)? I have to find a solution.
The fact is that I do have a family history of depression. I think everyone in my family was depressed when I was young. So, it could be genetic, or it could be learned.
I just have to keep doing my work about it. I don't like the medical solutions – anti-depressants – very much, but I'm almost at a point of being willing to try them.
I must do something.
Well, now more than ever, I need to remember Claire. "We are intrepid. We carry on." Indeed.
Namaste,
Michael
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