How I'm doing

Since my posts about Barbara, several people have asked how I'm doing. I appreciate their noticing that I'm in the midst of high-stress circumstances, their caring, and their asking about me. It really does make an enormous difference to me that at least a few people have done so.

So, how am I doing? Well, let’s consider the circumstances. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know many of these. Others will be new to you. I just haven’t written about them yet. I'll summarize all of them.

1. Barbara, my close friend and confidante, who I’ve known since childhood, has lung cancer and is facing high-risk surgery imminently (maybe in the next few days). I feel terribly helpless. All I can do is pray, send healing energy, and encourage others to do the same. That’s what I’ve been doing. See the prayer circle I created for her at Beliefnet: http://www.Beliefnet.com/rd.asp?milestoneTypeID=6&q=74322. While you’re at it, I'm sure Barbara would appreciate any prayers you might post there. I have no idea when I'll hear anything from her or about her. I don’t know if her husband will notify me of anything or not if she isn’t able to. I know she put me on her list of people to notify, but I don’t know how well he’ll do that.

2. I'm grieving for my relationship that ended in September. I thought I wasn’t going to grieve much, but her decision to cut off our friendship, too, as well as the holidays, brought it up in my face. I don’t know how much of my grief is about her specifically (some is, for sure) and how much of it is about not having anyone (some is that, too, for sure).

3. I’ve had serious health problems for over a year and was finally diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia in September. TN is a neurological problem that causes severe pain in the face, jaw, and scalp. I'm taking a medication for it that sometimes causes depression and that has been implicated in some suicides. It has reduced, but not eliminated my pain. There are also other side effects of the meds, including very swollen feet. I'm about to get an MRI (to check for tumors and MS) and to see a neurologist for the first time. Hopefully he will have some answers for me.

4. I noticed in December that I had become depressed. Considering the 3 previous circumstances (and some that follow), again combined with the holidays, I'm not surprised. It got pretty intense during the holidays and has been lifting some since then. I keep trying to get myself to do what I know to pull myself out of it without having to resort to more medication.

5. Money has been a huge problem for me. Consider that I was so badly in pain that I couldn’t work for much of 5 months in 2005, that when I could work I couldn’t find work most of the time for another couple of months during the summer, that when I did work as a substitute teacher I made low wages, and that I had no insurance for my extensive medical and dental care. I know this is one that will begin to change soon, though. Several of the other circumstances that follow will also change as my income increases. But right now they are what they are. On the other hand, I’ve considered that I might have to go on disability if the TN keeps me from working so much of the time. We shall see how the treatment goes.

6. Between my low income and the depression, my nutrition has been less than adequate. I really should be taking lots of supplements, but, of course, they’re expensive. And it would help if I ate better.

7. I'm finally ready to acknowledge that I hate substitute teaching and don’t really want to do it any longer. I wanted to teach; I didn’t want to do chaos management with a lot of kids who are more interested in resisting any form of authority than they are in learning. Guess which subbing is about. For a time I thought I wanted to become a regular high school teacher. Only if I work in a private school with kids who are selected because they’re motivated to learn. Actually, I’d like that. Public schools here in Santa Fe in 2005 aren’t anything like public schools were in Prairie Village, KS, when I was attending them. However, I need to do something for income, and until I get other work, I'm feeling stuck with doing what I hate. Could be this contributes to my depression some, too.

8. I've been feeling very off track with doing my right work. I am an actor, a writer, an educator, a coach (spiritual, relationship, and life), a minister, and a consultant. All of those are expressions of my true nature. All of them come easily to me and are fun for me to do. For some reason, I'm not making much money doing them. I need to clear out whatever is blocking me from succeeding at my right work. This, too, contributes to my depression, I'm sure. This is what I really want to be doing, not all those other things I think I need to do to make money.

9. I'm renting a car from a friend, and I really need to buy one of my own. Money again. This feels like a burden.

10. I'm not happy where I'm living. It’s OK. That’s all. I don’t hate it. It just isn’t right for me. Probably if I felt better about other things, I would really dislike it. But I don’t want to find more to feel depressed about.

11. Because of all that’s going on, especially the end of my relationship, and because I’ve begun going to my codependence group again, I’ve been facing my codependence and relationship addiction issues. I don’t like those things about myself very much.

12. And, because of all the preceding, and because I think being positive is attractive and being negative isn’t, I feel very unattractive to women and thus doomed to spend the rest of my life alone – or at least the foreseeable future. As I’ve said before in at least one message, I hate being single. I know, nobody needs to say it. I have to love myself and accept being single before I'll be ready for the relationship I want. Like I said, I feel doomed to remaining single.

So, all tolled, I guess I’d say I’ve been better.

Honesty. Is it the best policy in this case? There’s a quotation at the bottom of Jillianne’s Yahoo 360 profile that’s relevant here. Hugh Prather has said (or written, more likely), “Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty. When I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest, I am automatically humble.” Well, I do feel stupid for being honest, and I'm going to be honest anyway. I guess it’s more important to me to be honest than it is for people to like me or love me or for some woman to want to share her life with me. So, will things move at least?

Sigh.

Love and light to you all,
Michael

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