On several hands

When I first thought of writing this, I was only aware of 2 hands. Now, as I write this sentence, I’ve become aware of 3 more. Who knows how many I'll be aware of by the time I finish.

“Hands?” you ask. “What are you talking about?”

You know. On one hand, this is true. On the other hand, that is true. Well, I now have 5 hands. I guess I'm some sort of human octopus. Either that or else I'm borrowing some of your hands. I'm avoiding saying anything about being handy.

And what do I have all these hands about? Antoinette. Or, more accurately, my relationship with Antoinette. Or, even still more accurately, my former relationship with Antoinette.

I shall elaborate. (And it’s grown to 6 hands in the space of these few lines.)

Hand 1: I love Antoinette, and I'm grieving for her and for our relationship. I miss her and all the wonderful things we had together – experiences, eating together, supporting each other through stressful times, rituals, shared “kids,” plans for the future, and so much more. I feel so sad that it didn’t work out as we both hoped it would. We were so thrilled to meet and get involved. I remember how excited I was the day she arrived in Santa Fe when she moved here. I nearly flew over to see her. There are so many special memories. No matter what, I'll always love her – though the form of that love may change.

Hand 2: We’re so different – different values, different backgrounds, different beliefs. We just couldn’t work as a couple. I don’t really want to be back together as a couple because we’ve demonstrated that we can’t live together happily. I just want to be friends.

Hand 3: If we both agreed to go into counseling together and to make genuine efforts to work out solutions without either of us having to give up who we really are or having to lose, I would try it.

(It’s up to 8 hands now.)

Hand 4: Even if we did try that, I can’t imagine how we could ever resolve our differences without one or both of us sacrificing what’s important to us about ourselves. We are SO different.

Hand 5: I hate not having a romantic partner, and I'm very lonely. She was a woman who paid attention to me, who wanted to be with me, who cared about me, who shared wonderful experiences with me. How many women are there in the world who I might be able to say those things about? How can I let her go?

(Up to 9 hands.)

Hand 6: I know that I need to heal my hate for being alone before I'm really ready for the right relationship for me.

(10 hands.)

Hand 7: I'm angry at her for some of the things she said and did. No, I won’t elaborate.

Hand 8: I know that she was right about some of the things she said. I do have some things to work out before I'm ready for that right relationship.

(11 hands.)

Hand 9: I believed that our relationship was spiritually right, spiritually destined. I think we both believed that at one time. Maybe it was. Maybe it still is.

Hand 10: Maybe we’ve completed what we were supposed to do and to learn together. Maybe the spiritual appropriateness of our relationship once was, but has ended. Maybe there’s some good reason for us not to be together any longer. Maybe there’s a lot for me to learn. Maybe there’s someone else I'm supposed to connect with. Maybe the same is true for her.

Hand 11: Antoinette contributed so much to me that I am enormously grateful for. How can I not have the chance to give back?

And parts of me espouse all 11 of those hands. And, what’s more, I hold them all at once. For example, I want to be back with her and don’t want to be back with her and just want us to be friends all simultaneously. What doesn’t waver at all is that I still want her in my life in some way.

I'm not very good at leaving relationships. Can you tell? It tears my heart up. I miss her so much. I don’t even like to see other people break up. I’ve been known to grieve for other people’s lost relationships sometimes.

What does my guidance say? What’s really spiritually right? More about that later.

Namaste,
Michael