At least a couple of years ago I first read a chapter called “The Resistance Syndrome: When Resisting Is More Important Than Loving” in the book Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. I remember at the time feeling rocked by it, experiencing at a deep level that I had found the explanation for why so many things haven’t worked well in my life. I was excited to have discovered what seemed to be a key to my liberation.
I promptly forgot about it.
I guess I wasn’t ready for it yet. Well, the truth is that I was embroiled in a drama in life (my former relationship) that could have been used as an example in the chapter. I was desperately in resistance and wasn’t ready to step out of it. So, I forgot – which, no surprise, is one of the common things people in resistance do.
Lately I’ve been asking God and all my spiritual helpers for awakening regarding becoming liberated and releasing all those patterns that I’ve felt so stuck in – disappointment in relationship, financial lack, under-fulfilled potential, frustration with work, major health issues, never being happy with my home, recurring depression, chronic procrastination, and a general dissatisfaction with my life.
And I’ve been receiving answers. I know I always will when I ask and then pay attention. That’s the way the spiritual world works. God’s representatives – my angels, guides, and teachers – are eager to give me all I need to become liberated, to spiritually awaken, and to have a magnificent life. They can hardly wait for me to listen. They’re ever-present and trying to get through to me all the time in ways too numerous to count.
So, lately I’ve been paying attention. I am ready to change my life. All those spiritual helpers are cheering.
“Read,” I was told. I walked over and opened one of my boxes of books. Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? was right on top. “That one,” they told me. “OK,” I said, not resisting. (See, I knew I could do it.)
It took me a few days to get to the chapter on resistance again. When I did, though, I had the same reaction I had experienced the first time I read it. I knew I had found something important for me. No, not just something important – something crucial.
Here’s a brief explanation of the Resistance Syndrome. I'll write more about it in my coaching blog, The Heart of the Matter (which I’ve been largely ignoring for some time).
Those of us who grew up with controlling and/or engulfing parents (like mine) may make a powerful choice to resist them in some significant way. That choice may then be generalized to anyone or anything we perceive as being controlling or engulfing (and we tend to be exceptionally broad in defining controlling and engulfing). Eventually we go on automatic pilot about that resistance.
The really pernicious part of it is that we are so on auto pilot about it that we even resist the people and things that we know are in our best interests. We even resist the part of ourselves that is trying to change our lives. We even resist God. It feels as if not letting anyone or anything else “win over us” is a life or death matter.
So, for example, when I get into a relationship, I tend to find someone who will try to control me and then resist her. If she isn’t really trying to control, I tend to misperceive her as doing so and resist her. As you might imagine, that detracts more than a little from the potential wonder of the relationship. And, I admit, much to my chagrin, that this is exactly the dynamic I had with A. At this point I honestly can’t tell you for sure whether she was trying to control me or not. All I can say for sure is that it appeared that way to me. It’s possible that it was all my misperception. Maybe I’d think any woman I was in relationship with was trying to control me.
Here’s another example: I’ve been working on prosperity for many years. I’ve taken many classes and workshops. I’ve taken 4T’s something like 8 times and also practically every other prosperity program that has come along. I’ve read nearly every book ever written about prosperity. Nothing has worked to make a significant difference in my prosperity. And there’s some part of me that feels an adolescent glee and pride about none of those things working on me. (Notice “on,” not “for.”) I “won.” I defeated the attempts to change me. And no matter what I do to rid myself of it, I still hold onto a consciousness that prosperity is evil in some way.
Briefly, here are the 6 symptoms Margaret Paul tells us characterize the Resistance Syndrome. She says that most people who are suffering with it will identify with at least 3 of them.
1. Being stuck. No matter what we do, nothing helps to make our lives better.
2. Having had controlling parents.
3. Wanting to change, but not taking consistent meaningful action.
4. Denying our real motivation. Being in denial that avoiding being controlled is more important to us than are love, happiness, success, etc.
5. Resenting the goal, maybe even judging it as unworthy.
6. Getting satisfaction out of others’ frustration with us. Feeling like a rebellious adolescent who is winning the power struggle with his or her parents.
I identify with all 6 of the symptoms. If you’ve been reading my messages for a while, maybe you’ve seen them in what I’ve written. Perhaps I'll write later about each of the areas in which I feel stuck and say more about how the symptoms appear in those parts of my life.
The good news is that there is a way out. Margaret suggests 4 steps for us to disentangle ourselves from the Resistance Syndrome.
1. Notice that resistance is a choice, and notice ourselves making that choice. Don’t try to change it. Just observe it, and then consciously choose to resist (choose what we’re already doing).
2. Notice the consequences of that choice.
3. Make a new choice. Choose to make becoming a loving person more important than whether or not we’re being controlled. Allow ourselves to be controlled, if that’s what has to happen. The irony, she suggests, is that when we give up resisting being controlled, we never actually get controlled.
4. Use Inner Bonding (a fabulous process she teaches) to release false beliefs, to adopt supportive beliefs, and to receive God’s guidance. Then, of course, follow that guidance.
I'm feeling hopeful. And I already have begun observing myself resisting and choosing to resist. I'm on my way.
So, I may become a bit of a pain in the nether parts about noticing anything that seems like control to me and choosing to resist it, even if the people are trying to help. Or, maybe you won’t even know I'm doing it. But, in case you do, I apologize in advance.
Here are some things I notice myself resisting: advice (maybe that should be capitalized since I resist it so much), being told things I already know, patronizing tones of voice (or writing), demands, goals, good ideas, punishment, superior attitudes, manipulation, anger, authority, lectures, force, and being told what to do. As I look back in life, I see so much resistance to some of those things. I suspect there will be more things I resist to add to the list. That gives me a place to start, though.
If any of you happens to want to bypass my resistance, here’s what works as much as anything will:
1. Talk to me as my equal.
2. Tell me about your experience and what works for you instead of telling me what to do (as all 12-steppers know).
3. Ask me if I want feedback or suggestions before you give them to me. This only applies to feedback that I might not like, but to all suggestions. I'll try to remember to explicitly state if I'm open to feedback and suggestions.
4. Assume I already know what you’re going to tell me and say that you’re just reminding me of it.
5. Don’t approach me in anger. Calm down first.
6. …. I'll think of more, I'm sure.
Eventually, when I’ve broken out of the Resistance Syndrome, people won’t need to be so careful with me. For now, though, all you’ll get is resistance if you aren’t careful. (If you’re stuck in the Resistance Syndrome yourself, you’ll probably feel resistant to these things and may want to stick them in my face. There’s one of those frequent dynamics in my relationship with A. I really need to apologize to her for being so in resistance to her.)
Want to know something that I find fascinating and more than a little synchronistic, given that the Resistance Syndrome was such a problem for me in my relationship with A? The second evening I knew A. in person I took her to an evening workshop with Margaret Paul. Months later I took her to another one. But by then she was in her own resistance to it. Do you think my spiritual helpers were telling me something?
OK, I'm wondering if anyone else identifies with this. Surely I'm not the only one. Or, am I?
Namaste,
Michael
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