Still tired of it

A lot of people showed interest in my blog a bit over a week ago about being depressed. That just goes to show you. Don’t you think so?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m really a natural actor. And quite a convincing one to boot. I can be feeling depressed and people will tell me how good I’m looking. I can be feeling depressed and still be making jokes at the same time. I can be feeling depressed and still smile at the people I see. An actor. I should be up there tonight winning an Oscar.

Today has largely been a down day. I started out fine, and then I saw Antoinette. She looked really pretty. I felt the urge to go over and sit with her, but I honored her wishes and left her alone. Then I got into fantasies of holding her. And I fell into a pit.

It got worse as I thought about how I don’t have enough money to pay my rent or car payment. If I keep working like I am, I’ll be OK in a couple of weeks. For now, though, I’m still in a financial bind. And so I got more mired in the pit.

And because of being depressed, I’m having difficulty getting my thoughts out into my computer right now. I just keep freezing up. OK, now is one of those times for me to acknowledge that I’m resisting.

In the past couple of days I’ve written to friends about how difficult it is to break free of “comfort” zones and to really change our lives. It can be done, but it takes a lot of awareness, willingness, and doing whatever it takes. The problem with depression is that it undermines my energy to do what it takes to change my comfort zone of being depressed. Catch 22.

But I do know what I need to do. Or at least, some of it. I just have to keep moving ahead with it as best I can.

A number of people have written to me encouraging me to consider anti-depressants and saying they’ve used them and that the meds have helped them overcome depression. I wasn’t clear about why I’m reluctant to use them. I did try Zoloft a number of years ago. I hated it. I went around feeling drugged, and the side effects were a real problem for me. So, I stopped taking it. Maybe a different anti-depressant would work better for me. I don’t know. I’m resisting again.

But, as I said last week, I must do something about it. I keep hoping things will change so that my depression just goes away. I know, though, that I’m looking outside myself for a solution and that the real solution is within. Time get out of denial and to use what I know.

May I have the energy to do that effectively.

Namaste,
Michael