Well, I had it done.
Barbara calls an MRI “the most sci-fi medical test I’ve ever done.” Now that I’ve had one, I have to agree. There’s all this chugging and buzzing and clicking while it’s going on. Very weird.
And they did run me into a tube for it. But I kept my eyes closed the entire time, so I never felt claustrophobic at all. Thank God for small blessings.
It took a LONG time. The first technician said they were going to shoot me for 25 minutes, then pull me out and shoot dye into my arm, and then shoot me for another 20 minutes. The second technician told me it was one of the longer ones they’ve done. That gave me the opportunity to worry myself about it. Why are they doing such an extensive MRI, one that’s longer than most?
OK, I'm worried about tumors or whatever may show up. I'm doing my best to turn my mind and stay positive, and the worry keeps creeping back in. So, I turn again. And again, and again.
There was one interesting bit of serendipity. They gave me earphones to help drown out some of the sci-fi noises. The tech gave me several options of music, and I chose classical guitar. It would be soothing, I thought. I don’t know if he forgot to change the music, or if he put on the “wrong” music, but that wasn’t what I got. Instead I got what I call “hippie music.” They were all songs I listened to and liked during the late ‘60s – things like “Joy to the World,” “Turn, Turn, Turn,” “Are You Going to San Francisco,” and “Let’s Get Together.” I loved it. It really did distract me. I just let my attention go into the music. It was a music meditation.
When it was all over, I felt really tired for some reason. I don’t know; maybe I would have felt tired anyway. I did end up going to bed about 10:30 (early for me) and got about 8 hours of sleep. That’s the most sleep I’ve had in one night (or 24-hour period) in several months.
Now I wait. On Wednesday I have my first appointment with my new neurologist. I'm supposed to pick up the MRI films to give to him earlier that day. We shall see what they show.
“My” neurologist. That’s a term I never imagined until recently.
Namaste,
Michael
If you’d like to receive This Is My Life via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You’ll receive the same messages that are posted here in your inbox.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Friday, January 13, 2006
Pictures of my brain
This afternoon at 5:30 I'm scheduled to have an MRI done. Because of the TN, they want to check my brain for tumors and M.S., both of which might conceivably be causes. I don’t have other symptoms of M.S. or of tumors, so I'm not terribly concerned about them. But ….
I am nervous about it.
What if they discover I don’t have a brain?
No, that isn’t really my concern. It was (supposedly) a joke.
I don’t know what my concern is. I just get nervous any time I have medical procedures done. God only knows what they might find. OK, I guess I do have some concerns about tumors and M.S. Or who knows what else might be there. I might be a mush brain. (Another attempt at humor.)
I'm also usually a bit intimidated by the unknown. And this is definitely the unknown for me.
Is this one of those procedures where they run me into a tube? I'm a bit claustrophobic. That’s a little anxiety provoking.
Breathe, Michael.
And if you’d all hold me in your prayers and positive thoughts between 5:30 and 6:30 MST, I’d appreciate it.
Namaste,
Michael
If you’d like to receive This Is My Life via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You’ll receive the same messages that are posted here in your inbox.
I am nervous about it.
What if they discover I don’t have a brain?
No, that isn’t really my concern. It was (supposedly) a joke.
I don’t know what my concern is. I just get nervous any time I have medical procedures done. God only knows what they might find. OK, I guess I do have some concerns about tumors and M.S. Or who knows what else might be there. I might be a mush brain. (Another attempt at humor.)
I'm also usually a bit intimidated by the unknown. And this is definitely the unknown for me.
Is this one of those procedures where they run me into a tube? I'm a bit claustrophobic. That’s a little anxiety provoking.
Breathe, Michael.
And if you’d all hold me in your prayers and positive thoughts between 5:30 and 6:30 MST, I’d appreciate it.
Namaste,
Michael
If you’d like to receive This Is My Life via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You’ll receive the same messages that are posted here in your inbox.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
How I'm doing
Since my posts about Barbara, several people have asked how I'm doing. I appreciate their noticing that I'm in the midst of high-stress circumstances, their caring, and their asking about me. It really does make an enormous difference to me that at least a few people have done so.
So, how am I doing? Well, let’s consider the circumstances. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know many of these. Others will be new to you. I just haven’t written about them yet. I'll summarize all of them.
1. Barbara, my close friend and confidante, who I’ve known since childhood, has lung cancer and is facing high-risk surgery imminently (maybe in the next few days). I feel terribly helpless. All I can do is pray, send healing energy, and encourage others to do the same. That’s what I’ve been doing. See the prayer circle I created for her at Beliefnet: http://www.Beliefnet.com/rd.asp?milestoneTypeID=6&q=74322. While you’re at it, I'm sure Barbara would appreciate any prayers you might post there. I have no idea when I'll hear anything from her or about her. I don’t know if her husband will notify me of anything or not if she isn’t able to. I know she put me on her list of people to notify, but I don’t know how well he’ll do that.
2. I'm grieving for my relationship that ended in September. I thought I wasn’t going to grieve much, but her decision to cut off our friendship, too, as well as the holidays, brought it up in my face. I don’t know how much of my grief is about her specifically (some is, for sure) and how much of it is about not having anyone (some is that, too, for sure).
3. I’ve had serious health problems for over a year and was finally diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia in September. TN is a neurological problem that causes severe pain in the face, jaw, and scalp. I'm taking a medication for it that sometimes causes depression and that has been implicated in some suicides. It has reduced, but not eliminated my pain. There are also other side effects of the meds, including very swollen feet. I'm about to get an MRI (to check for tumors and MS) and to see a neurologist for the first time. Hopefully he will have some answers for me.
4. I noticed in December that I had become depressed. Considering the 3 previous circumstances (and some that follow), again combined with the holidays, I'm not surprised. It got pretty intense during the holidays and has been lifting some since then. I keep trying to get myself to do what I know to pull myself out of it without having to resort to more medication.
5. Money has been a huge problem for me. Consider that I was so badly in pain that I couldn’t work for much of 5 months in 2005, that when I could work I couldn’t find work most of the time for another couple of months during the summer, that when I did work as a substitute teacher I made low wages, and that I had no insurance for my extensive medical and dental care. I know this is one that will begin to change soon, though. Several of the other circumstances that follow will also change as my income increases. But right now they are what they are. On the other hand, I’ve considered that I might have to go on disability if the TN keeps me from working so much of the time. We shall see how the treatment goes.
6. Between my low income and the depression, my nutrition has been less than adequate. I really should be taking lots of supplements, but, of course, they’re expensive. And it would help if I ate better.
7. I'm finally ready to acknowledge that I hate substitute teaching and don’t really want to do it any longer. I wanted to teach; I didn’t want to do chaos management with a lot of kids who are more interested in resisting any form of authority than they are in learning. Guess which subbing is about. For a time I thought I wanted to become a regular high school teacher. Only if I work in a private school with kids who are selected because they’re motivated to learn. Actually, I’d like that. Public schools here in Santa Fe in 2005 aren’t anything like public schools were in Prairie Village, KS, when I was attending them. However, I need to do something for income, and until I get other work, I'm feeling stuck with doing what I hate. Could be this contributes to my depression some, too.
8. I've been feeling very off track with doing my right work. I am an actor, a writer, an educator, a coach (spiritual, relationship, and life), a minister, and a consultant. All of those are expressions of my true nature. All of them come easily to me and are fun for me to do. For some reason, I'm not making much money doing them. I need to clear out whatever is blocking me from succeeding at my right work. This, too, contributes to my depression, I'm sure. This is what I really want to be doing, not all those other things I think I need to do to make money.
9. I'm renting a car from a friend, and I really need to buy one of my own. Money again. This feels like a burden.
10. I'm not happy where I'm living. It’s OK. That’s all. I don’t hate it. It just isn’t right for me. Probably if I felt better about other things, I would really dislike it. But I don’t want to find more to feel depressed about.
11. Because of all that’s going on, especially the end of my relationship, and because I’ve begun going to my codependence group again, I’ve been facing my codependence and relationship addiction issues. I don’t like those things about myself very much.
12. And, because of all the preceding, and because I think being positive is attractive and being negative isn’t, I feel very unattractive to women and thus doomed to spend the rest of my life alone – or at least the foreseeable future. As I’ve said before in at least one message, I hate being single. I know, nobody needs to say it. I have to love myself and accept being single before I'll be ready for the relationship I want. Like I said, I feel doomed to remaining single.
So, all tolled, I guess I’d say I’ve been better.
Honesty. Is it the best policy in this case? There’s a quotation at the bottom of Jillianne’s Yahoo 360 profile that’s relevant here. Hugh Prather has said (or written, more likely), “Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty. When I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest, I am automatically humble.” Well, I do feel stupid for being honest, and I'm going to be honest anyway. I guess it’s more important to me to be honest than it is for people to like me or love me or for some woman to want to share her life with me. So, will things move at least?
Sigh.
Love and light to you all,
Michael
If you’d like to receive This Is My Life via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You’ll receive the same messages that are posted here in your inbox.
So, how am I doing? Well, let’s consider the circumstances. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know many of these. Others will be new to you. I just haven’t written about them yet. I'll summarize all of them.
1. Barbara, my close friend and confidante, who I’ve known since childhood, has lung cancer and is facing high-risk surgery imminently (maybe in the next few days). I feel terribly helpless. All I can do is pray, send healing energy, and encourage others to do the same. That’s what I’ve been doing. See the prayer circle I created for her at Beliefnet: http://www.Beliefnet.com/rd.asp?milestoneTypeID=6&q=74322. While you’re at it, I'm sure Barbara would appreciate any prayers you might post there. I have no idea when I'll hear anything from her or about her. I don’t know if her husband will notify me of anything or not if she isn’t able to. I know she put me on her list of people to notify, but I don’t know how well he’ll do that.
2. I'm grieving for my relationship that ended in September. I thought I wasn’t going to grieve much, but her decision to cut off our friendship, too, as well as the holidays, brought it up in my face. I don’t know how much of my grief is about her specifically (some is, for sure) and how much of it is about not having anyone (some is that, too, for sure).
3. I’ve had serious health problems for over a year and was finally diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia in September. TN is a neurological problem that causes severe pain in the face, jaw, and scalp. I'm taking a medication for it that sometimes causes depression and that has been implicated in some suicides. It has reduced, but not eliminated my pain. There are also other side effects of the meds, including very swollen feet. I'm about to get an MRI (to check for tumors and MS) and to see a neurologist for the first time. Hopefully he will have some answers for me.
4. I noticed in December that I had become depressed. Considering the 3 previous circumstances (and some that follow), again combined with the holidays, I'm not surprised. It got pretty intense during the holidays and has been lifting some since then. I keep trying to get myself to do what I know to pull myself out of it without having to resort to more medication.
5. Money has been a huge problem for me. Consider that I was so badly in pain that I couldn’t work for much of 5 months in 2005, that when I could work I couldn’t find work most of the time for another couple of months during the summer, that when I did work as a substitute teacher I made low wages, and that I had no insurance for my extensive medical and dental care. I know this is one that will begin to change soon, though. Several of the other circumstances that follow will also change as my income increases. But right now they are what they are. On the other hand, I’ve considered that I might have to go on disability if the TN keeps me from working so much of the time. We shall see how the treatment goes.
6. Between my low income and the depression, my nutrition has been less than adequate. I really should be taking lots of supplements, but, of course, they’re expensive. And it would help if I ate better.
7. I'm finally ready to acknowledge that I hate substitute teaching and don’t really want to do it any longer. I wanted to teach; I didn’t want to do chaos management with a lot of kids who are more interested in resisting any form of authority than they are in learning. Guess which subbing is about. For a time I thought I wanted to become a regular high school teacher. Only if I work in a private school with kids who are selected because they’re motivated to learn. Actually, I’d like that. Public schools here in Santa Fe in 2005 aren’t anything like public schools were in Prairie Village, KS, when I was attending them. However, I need to do something for income, and until I get other work, I'm feeling stuck with doing what I hate. Could be this contributes to my depression some, too.
8. I've been feeling very off track with doing my right work. I am an actor, a writer, an educator, a coach (spiritual, relationship, and life), a minister, and a consultant. All of those are expressions of my true nature. All of them come easily to me and are fun for me to do. For some reason, I'm not making much money doing them. I need to clear out whatever is blocking me from succeeding at my right work. This, too, contributes to my depression, I'm sure. This is what I really want to be doing, not all those other things I think I need to do to make money.
9. I'm renting a car from a friend, and I really need to buy one of my own. Money again. This feels like a burden.
10. I'm not happy where I'm living. It’s OK. That’s all. I don’t hate it. It just isn’t right for me. Probably if I felt better about other things, I would really dislike it. But I don’t want to find more to feel depressed about.
11. Because of all that’s going on, especially the end of my relationship, and because I’ve begun going to my codependence group again, I’ve been facing my codependence and relationship addiction issues. I don’t like those things about myself very much.
12. And, because of all the preceding, and because I think being positive is attractive and being negative isn’t, I feel very unattractive to women and thus doomed to spend the rest of my life alone – or at least the foreseeable future. As I’ve said before in at least one message, I hate being single. I know, nobody needs to say it. I have to love myself and accept being single before I'll be ready for the relationship I want. Like I said, I feel doomed to remaining single.
So, all tolled, I guess I’d say I’ve been better.
Honesty. Is it the best policy in this case? There’s a quotation at the bottom of Jillianne’s Yahoo 360 profile that’s relevant here. Hugh Prather has said (or written, more likely), “Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty. When I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest, I am automatically humble.” Well, I do feel stupid for being honest, and I'm going to be honest anyway. I guess it’s more important to me to be honest than it is for people to like me or love me or for some woman to want to share her life with me. So, will things move at least?
Sigh.
Love and light to you all,
Michael
If you’d like to receive This Is My Life via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You’ll receive the same messages that are posted here in your inbox.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Prayer circle for Barbara
Following up on my blog message of Monday (1/8) about healing my friend Barbara’s lung cancer, I’ve created a prayer circle for her on Beliefnet. I invite you to go there and post a prayer for her.
Link for prayer circle:
http://www.Beliefnet.com/rd.asp?milestoneTypeID=6&q=74322
I also encourage you to pass this message (or anything about Barbara) along to anyone you know who is involved in spiritual healing, energy healing, prayer, or anything else that might help Barbara.
Please join me in helping create another miracle in Barbara’s life.
Warmly,
Michael
Link for prayer circle:
http://www.Beliefnet.com/rd.asp?milestoneTypeID=6&q=74322
I also encourage you to pass this message (or anything about Barbara) along to anyone you know who is involved in spiritual healing, energy healing, prayer, or anything else that might help Barbara.
Please join me in helping create another miracle in Barbara’s life.
Warmly,
Michael
Sunday, January 08, 2006
More prayers for Barbara
I'm requesting again that you pray for, create positive intentions for, visualize for, send healing energy to, and/or think positive thoughts about my friend Barbara Gentlemoon.
I first posted about Barbara and her experience with lung cancer on 9/20/05. If you don’t recall, there’s a little more information about her in a P.S. to this message. What has happened since then is that she went to a clinic in Germany for treatment and is now back home (Gig Harbor, WA). Chemotherapy is no longer working. It’s likely that she’ll be having surgery very soon. The problem is that the tumor is very near her aorta, and the major vein and artery for her left arm are involved. Consequently, it’s very high-risk surgery.
Barbara has said herself that the best thing anyone can do is pray for her.
To all of you who have helped Barbara up to now, she says, “Thank each and every one of you for your continued support, prayers, love, and concern. You are awesome! We've made it to this point with the grace we have because of you.”
To everyone she says, “Know that I am in the BEST hands possible and that my prayer continues to be ‘I will to will Thy will.’ I am at peace moving on to this next step and excited that I have this option. I am ready mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I'll be in touch just as soon as I can. Meanwhile say a prayer for Dr. Wood (my surgeon) too if you would. He'll be my dancing partner and we'd really be stoked to win this one. I love you all so very much.”
I add my love and gratitude to hers.
Warmly,
Michael
P.S. Here’s more information about Barbara:
I’ve known Barbara since she was 7 and I was 11. She’s been my friend, sister-in-law (for a while when I was in my early 20s), and confidante. With no reservation, I say that she is among the most wonderful people I’ve ever known and one of the closest friends I’ve ever had. I value her perspectives and feedback enormously.
As I said before (in September), Barbara isn’t one who is inclined to just accept doctors’ diagnoses or prognoses. 25 years ago, when she was in her late 20’s, she survived the most advanced stage of Hodgkin’s disease that anyone in the world ever has. To do so, she combined spiritual work, metaphysical principles, alternative healthcare, and traditional medicine. Dan Millman (author of The Way of The Peaceful Warrior and many other books) has encouraged her to write her life story because it is so inspirational.
Unfortunately, it’s likely that all the radiation she had then has contributed to her having this cancer now.
If you’d like to read more about Barbara, and I encourage you to do so, see her web site:
http://www.thecancercoach.net/about.htm.
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