A friend was telling a story about something that happened in her life. She said she was looking over the bananas in a grocery store and a man asked her if she was looking for the ripe ones. Then he helped her pick some. There’s a lot more to the story, but that’s the part that’s important for what I want to write about.
Another friend replied that "are you looking for the ripe ones" is probably a pick up line. Then, after another exchange, she jokingly asked, “Didn't your parents teach you anything?”
I’ll admit that my parents didn’t teach me anything about connecting with women and dating – at least anything worth knowing. I’m sure they didn’t know all that much of value. I have no idea how they got together – how they met or started their first conversation. About all I know is that they liked to dance together and that they pushed that as THE way for me to connect with women. I, of course, being as resistant to my parents as I was, refused to learn to dance. Maybe it’s best that they didn’t try to teach me anything really valuable. I probably would have resisted that, too. As it was, I was free to learn anything that might be really helpful to me without it being contaminated by shoulds from my parents.
So I’ve spent much of my adult life learning about relationships. I’ve learned quite a bit, and I’ve developed some ideas about what works for people like me and what doesn’t. For quite a few years in Seattle I taught a class I called New Ways to Meet New People. It wasn’t, as I emphasized to the participants, about the RIGHT ways to meet new people. It was just ways to meet people that were different than what I saw most people doing, ways that had different results, ways that worked better for, as I said, people like me.
But, that’s all really just introduction to what I want to say.
I don’t understand the whole idea of pick-up lines. He says to her, “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” Then she’s supposed to say, “Yes, I’ll go out with you” because she gets that he’s trying to pick her up? Does that actually happen in real life?
And how is he supposed to know from just seeing her in the produce aisle trying to choose bananas that they have anything in common other than an affinity for long yellow fruit? Or maybe all he cares about is that he finds her physically attractive. That seems to be all it takes for a lot of people to want to begin dating. People like me want to know what kind of person she is in addition to whether we like her body.
What I do understand is conversation starters. He says, “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” and then they begin to talk and get to know a few things about each other. Eventually (maybe only 5 or 10 minutes there in the produce aisle, but after learning something interesting about her), he says (or she says, because, yes, women can initiate dates with men), “Would you be interested in continuing getting to know each other? How about if we go to lunch?” (or something like that).
She doesn’t have to guess what he means by “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” All he was doing was starting a conversation (and being helpful). If they talk more and think they’d like to keep talking, then either of them can say so openly. No pick up lines, just conversation leading to a clear request. I understand that. That’s what works for people like me.
It occurs to me that I could well have missed the subtle implications of what women have said to me any number of times in life. I know I did one time when I was in my mid-20s and recently out of my first marriage. She asked me, “Where do you live?” I told her. It didn’t occur to me until weeks later that she might have been asking me to take her home with me. I freely admit that I’m slow about picking up on things like that. That’s why people like me prefer clear communication and explicit requests.
And furthermore, it takes me (and people like me) longer to decide I want to date someone than it does the “usual” person. Maybe I’ve missed out on some great times by being so incredibly slow to initiate dates. But I tend to wait until I know women and really know we have something of interest to explore before I ask for a date. I’m sure that’s the reason a fairly large number of women have asked me out. They probably got tired of waiting for me to take the initiative. I’ll consider that possibility.
Anyway, I’m with Jillianne. I wouldn’t have taken “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” as a pick-up line. I would have just taken it as an offer of help with bananas. If he (or she, in my case) wanted more than that, she would have had to say more. And, if I wanted more than that, I would have taken it as my responsibility to say more than that. I wouldn’t have expected her to guess what I really meant.
And if you, like some people, think I’m taking all the romance out of it by wanting clear and explicit communication, then that means that we wouldn’t get along with each other anyway. Neither of us is wrong. We’re just different, and we both have the right and the privilege to have it our way in our relationships – just not with each other.
Namaste,
Michael
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
Taking and receiving
The other side of caring or caretaking is receiving or taking. I want to complete the picture for you, so here's another section of Margie Paul's chapter in her book Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?
Once again, I pass this along as something I agree with completely. And once again, I encourage you to read the entire book.
Taking and Receiving
You are taking when you have expectations about what another person "should" be giving you. You are taking when you expect others to do for you what you can and need to do for yourself. You are taking when you try to control what others choose to give. You are taking when you do not take responsibility for your own health and well-being and expect others to give themselves up for you – to take care of you physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, or spiritually. Anytime you expect someone to sacrifice themselves for you, you are taking. You cannot be giving when your intent is to take. This is the true definition of selfish – wanting only to take from other people, wanting others to sacrifice themselves for you, and giving to them only with the intent to get something in return.
You are receiving when you accept help when you need it. You are receiving when you allow others to mother or father you, to bring Divine Love to you. You are receiving when you lovingly take in what is offered from the heart – compliments, appreciation, validation, gifts. It is the loving Adult who allows the Inner Child to receive. It is the wounded child-adult who blocks out receiving, who just wants to take and have control over what is given.
There is no sense of obligation when you are caring and receiving – only when you are caretaking and taking. Feeling a sense of obligation can alert you to the fact that the other person is caretaking rather than caring. When there are strings attached to giving, you will probably feel obligated. When someone gives to you from the heart and obviously receives joy in the giving, you will not feel obligated. When someone is caretaking, an invisible scorecard is kept, and eventually the caretaker will get angry if you do not even the score by giving him or her something back. Many people automatically keep this invisible scorecard and, in addition to feeling that you owe them something when they caretake you, they feel that they owe you something when they take from you. This scorecard ruins many relationships.
And so it is,
Michael
Once again, I pass this along as something I agree with completely. And once again, I encourage you to read the entire book.
Taking and Receiving
You are taking when you have expectations about what another person "should" be giving you. You are taking when you expect others to do for you what you can and need to do for yourself. You are taking when you try to control what others choose to give. You are taking when you do not take responsibility for your own health and well-being and expect others to give themselves up for you – to take care of you physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, or spiritually. Anytime you expect someone to sacrifice themselves for you, you are taking. You cannot be giving when your intent is to take. This is the true definition of selfish – wanting only to take from other people, wanting others to sacrifice themselves for you, and giving to them only with the intent to get something in return.
You are receiving when you accept help when you need it. You are receiving when you allow others to mother or father you, to bring Divine Love to you. You are receiving when you lovingly take in what is offered from the heart – compliments, appreciation, validation, gifts. It is the loving Adult who allows the Inner Child to receive. It is the wounded child-adult who blocks out receiving, who just wants to take and have control over what is given.
There is no sense of obligation when you are caring and receiving – only when you are caretaking and taking. Feeling a sense of obligation can alert you to the fact that the other person is caretaking rather than caring. When there are strings attached to giving, you will probably feel obligated. When someone gives to you from the heart and obviously receives joy in the giving, you will not feel obligated. When someone is caretaking, an invisible scorecard is kept, and eventually the caretaker will get angry if you do not even the score by giving him or her something back. Many people automatically keep this invisible scorecard and, in addition to feeling that you owe them something when they caretake you, they feel that they owe you something when they take from you. This scorecard ruins many relationships.
And so it is,
Michael
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Caring and caretaking
I seldom post things other people have written, except for brief quotations and occasional poetry. I want to focus on my own writing, my own thoughts, my own feelings. This time is an exception. What I’m going to offer you is so important to me that I want to pass it along.
So, even though I didn’t write it, consider it my ideas – because I endorse it without reservation.
This is a section of a chapter in Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. I encourage you to buy and to read the entire book.
Caring and Caretaking
It is important to understand the huge difference between caring and caretaking. You are caretaking when you give to someone out of fear, obligation, or guilt. You are caretaking when you have an agenda attached. For example, you may want to be seen as good and loving, or you may want to be loved back or avoid anger. You are also caretaking when you do for another what they need to do for themselves. Giving that harms you – physically, emotionally, financially – is caretaking. Caretaking is draining. You are not bringing through God’s love. You are giving in the hopes of getting something back. When you don’t get it, you feel drained and resentful.
You are caring when, out of your love, empathy, and compassion, you do for others what they cannot do for themselves, with no strings attached. You are caring when you take care of babies, children, the elderly, the disabled, and the ill (provided they are not using their illness as a way out of personal responsibility). You are caring when you are mothering, bringing through God’s love to others who cannot yet do this for themselves. You are caring when you are fathering, taking action for others when they cannot take action for themselves.
You are caring when you give something to another as a gift with no strings attached. You may give money or time that comes from your heart and brings you joy to give. You might make a lovely dinner for someone, even though that person is fully capable of making dinner, because it gives you joy to give to him or her in this way. There are many little things you might choose to do for others because it makes their life easier, not because you expect anything in return, but because it gives you joy to do so. This is caring. This is love. This is being an instrument of God.
Caretaking is giving from the wounded child-adult – giving to get, or giving out of fear, obligation, or guilt. Caring is giving from the loving Adult, being an emissary of God.
And so it is,
Michael
So, even though I didn’t write it, consider it my ideas – because I endorse it without reservation.
This is a section of a chapter in Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. I encourage you to buy and to read the entire book.
Caring and Caretaking
It is important to understand the huge difference between caring and caretaking. You are caretaking when you give to someone out of fear, obligation, or guilt. You are caretaking when you have an agenda attached. For example, you may want to be seen as good and loving, or you may want to be loved back or avoid anger. You are also caretaking when you do for another what they need to do for themselves. Giving that harms you – physically, emotionally, financially – is caretaking. Caretaking is draining. You are not bringing through God’s love. You are giving in the hopes of getting something back. When you don’t get it, you feel drained and resentful.
You are caring when, out of your love, empathy, and compassion, you do for others what they cannot do for themselves, with no strings attached. You are caring when you take care of babies, children, the elderly, the disabled, and the ill (provided they are not using their illness as a way out of personal responsibility). You are caring when you are mothering, bringing through God’s love to others who cannot yet do this for themselves. You are caring when you are fathering, taking action for others when they cannot take action for themselves.
You are caring when you give something to another as a gift with no strings attached. You may give money or time that comes from your heart and brings you joy to give. You might make a lovely dinner for someone, even though that person is fully capable of making dinner, because it gives you joy to give to him or her in this way. There are many little things you might choose to do for others because it makes their life easier, not because you expect anything in return, but because it gives you joy to do so. This is caring. This is love. This is being an instrument of God.
Caretaking is giving from the wounded child-adult – giving to get, or giving out of fear, obligation, or guilt. Caring is giving from the loving Adult, being an emissary of God.
And so it is,
Michael
Monday, March 13, 2006
Money, depression, and staying afloat
OK, people keep expressing concern about me, so I’ll let you know how things are going.
First, the image of staying afloat reminds me of the scene at the end of the movie Titanic when Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) is in the freezing water doing his best to stay afloat. It has been very cold here in Santa Fe the past couple of days (in the teens at night). The heat in my apartment is down to conserve money, and I’m wearing 3 (and maybe more soon) layers of clothing to try to keep warm. It isn’t working well enough for someone like me who’d be happiest if the temperature was between 72° and 75° in here. That reminds me of a story, but I’ll tell it another time.
So … money. I want to express my gratitude once again to people who have helped me during my time of financial need. I see the light at the edge of the forest and am headed in that direction, but, for now, I’m still in the dark forest. I’m working a full-time job again and also have several part-time opportunities (not really jobs). By next month I’ll be able to cover most, if not all, of my obligations and begin to pay back the people who have helped. That will be a huge relief.
However, in the meantime, I’m still bobbing in the cold water. I still have some of my March rent owing. I have to give up the car I’ve been using because I couldn’t make payments. I’m out of money for food and gas (not to mention anything else) until I get my paycheck on Saturday. And I’ve reached the limit of my willingness to ask people to help me. So, like Jack, I’m concerned that I may sink before the lifeboat comes.
There is good news, though. I will have a week’s paycheck on Saturday. There are a couple of possibilities for cars that I need to follow up on. And I have all my spiritual helpers, not to mention some human ones, on my side. Maybe I’ll stay afloat after all. No, putting that as a statement of intention: I intend to stay afloat. I AM a survivor. I will find a way somehow.
As for depression …. It’s lifting. I still feel a bit depressed – and more than that occasionally (but really not too bad). What I’m doing about it is working. I’ll tell you what that is as part of another message. I’m not feeling stuck in any significant pits. My only failure to take action comes from resistance rather than depression. So, those of you who are inclined to worry about it, please don’t. I’ll be back to normal, whatever that is, soon.
There you have it. I’m welcoming whoever (whatever) appears at my door and accepting them as messengers from God. I am open to learning about loving and being a powerful co-creator with God. I accept whatever comes as part of that curriculum. Maybe I’ll run out of gas and won’t be able to get to work. Maybe I won’t have a car at all. Maybe I won’t eat anything again until Saturday. Maybe I’ll never have another romantic partner. (Didn’t mention anything about that one, did I?) Maybe all of the things I fear will come to pass. But, if that’s true, then I will learn from it all.
But, whatever comes to my door, I AM a survivor. I AM learning. I AM awakening. I AM loving. I AM loved. I AM becoming all I can be.
And so it is.
Namaste,
Michael
First, the image of staying afloat reminds me of the scene at the end of the movie Titanic when Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) is in the freezing water doing his best to stay afloat. It has been very cold here in Santa Fe the past couple of days (in the teens at night). The heat in my apartment is down to conserve money, and I’m wearing 3 (and maybe more soon) layers of clothing to try to keep warm. It isn’t working well enough for someone like me who’d be happiest if the temperature was between 72° and 75° in here. That reminds me of a story, but I’ll tell it another time.
So … money. I want to express my gratitude once again to people who have helped me during my time of financial need. I see the light at the edge of the forest and am headed in that direction, but, for now, I’m still in the dark forest. I’m working a full-time job again and also have several part-time opportunities (not really jobs). By next month I’ll be able to cover most, if not all, of my obligations and begin to pay back the people who have helped. That will be a huge relief.
However, in the meantime, I’m still bobbing in the cold water. I still have some of my March rent owing. I have to give up the car I’ve been using because I couldn’t make payments. I’m out of money for food and gas (not to mention anything else) until I get my paycheck on Saturday. And I’ve reached the limit of my willingness to ask people to help me. So, like Jack, I’m concerned that I may sink before the lifeboat comes.
There is good news, though. I will have a week’s paycheck on Saturday. There are a couple of possibilities for cars that I need to follow up on. And I have all my spiritual helpers, not to mention some human ones, on my side. Maybe I’ll stay afloat after all. No, putting that as a statement of intention: I intend to stay afloat. I AM a survivor. I will find a way somehow.
As for depression …. It’s lifting. I still feel a bit depressed – and more than that occasionally (but really not too bad). What I’m doing about it is working. I’ll tell you what that is as part of another message. I’m not feeling stuck in any significant pits. My only failure to take action comes from resistance rather than depression. So, those of you who are inclined to worry about it, please don’t. I’ll be back to normal, whatever that is, soon.
There you have it. I’m welcoming whoever (whatever) appears at my door and accepting them as messengers from God. I am open to learning about loving and being a powerful co-creator with God. I accept whatever comes as part of that curriculum. Maybe I’ll run out of gas and won’t be able to get to work. Maybe I won’t have a car at all. Maybe I won’t eat anything again until Saturday. Maybe I’ll never have another romantic partner. (Didn’t mention anything about that one, did I?) Maybe all of the things I fear will come to pass. But, if that’s true, then I will learn from it all.
But, whatever comes to my door, I AM a survivor. I AM learning. I AM awakening. I AM loving. I AM loved. I AM becoming all I can be.
And so it is.
Namaste,
Michael
Sunday, March 12, 2006
So much, so little
I have so much to say and way too little time to write it all. I’m investing time in working at several jobs to bring money in, looking for more sources of income, selling some things, replying to friends who e-mail me (and not keeping up on that very well), commenting on other people’s blogs and journals, considering what to do about a car (more about that in another message), doing my inner work, attending church, singing in a church choir, attending my 2 groups (gratitude and CODA), reading (which is really part of my inner work), and taking care of everyday things to do. And then occasionally I get around to also writing my own blogs.
What’s missing? Who notices? I immediately think of 3 things. There may be more.
Anyway, I have so much to write. Here are titles of some messages that I’m working on and haven’t yet finished:
Chemicalizing, part 2
Who are my friends? (This one will eventually be a series. Thomas inspired the idea of the series. The first part, though, is about what friendship really is.)
Addicted to love
Clearing the way (how I’m getting past depression and circumstances)
Money, abundance, and faith
Waves of love (about an insight I had about the connection between ups and downs in life and learning to love)
Dream, dream, dream (inspired by Jana; my dreams for life)
Good boys and real men (childhood messages I heard that limit me)
Invitation to be on the map (literally a map, a networking map)
Leave Santa Fe? (Is it time to move on?)
My foibles (inspired by Jillianne)
And on the average I come up with a couple of new ideas per day.
What will be the order that I post these? I don’t know. Spirit will guide me in that decision. It’s likely that some that aren’t yet on the list will come before some that are already on the list.
Here’s one of my dreams that I’ll mention now. I dream of making money from my writing. I wish I had the luxury of being able to write a lot, knowing that money is flowing in. More about that when I write about my dreams.
So, I wish I could write more frequently, and I envy those of you who write a blog/journal entry nearly every day (or more). I sometimes wonder how you do it.
Namaste,
Michael
What’s missing? Who notices? I immediately think of 3 things. There may be more.
Anyway, I have so much to write. Here are titles of some messages that I’m working on and haven’t yet finished:
Chemicalizing, part 2
Who are my friends? (This one will eventually be a series. Thomas inspired the idea of the series. The first part, though, is about what friendship really is.)
Addicted to love
Clearing the way (how I’m getting past depression and circumstances)
Money, abundance, and faith
Waves of love (about an insight I had about the connection between ups and downs in life and learning to love)
Dream, dream, dream (inspired by Jana; my dreams for life)
Good boys and real men (childhood messages I heard that limit me)
Invitation to be on the map (literally a map, a networking map)
Leave Santa Fe? (Is it time to move on?)
My foibles (inspired by Jillianne)
And on the average I come up with a couple of new ideas per day.
What will be the order that I post these? I don’t know. Spirit will guide me in that decision. It’s likely that some that aren’t yet on the list will come before some that are already on the list.
Here’s one of my dreams that I’ll mention now. I dream of making money from my writing. I wish I had the luxury of being able to write a lot, knowing that money is flowing in. More about that when I write about my dreams.
So, I wish I could write more frequently, and I envy those of you who write a blog/journal entry nearly every day (or more). I sometimes wonder how you do it.
Namaste,
Michael
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