Auto miracle?

I’ll write a more general update very soon. Right now, though, I want to tell you about what happened about my finding a car. Was it a miracle? Was it spiritually designed? You decide.

Here’s a brief account of the history for anyone who doesn’t know it (or doesn’t remember):

Because of the lengthy illness I had that kept me from working for over half of 14 months between November, 2004, and January, 2006, I ended up in a severe financial crisis. During that time my former car broke down beyond the value of repairing it, and I sold it for almost nothing. For quite a while several people were generous enough to allow me to use cars they owned. (Thank you again to all 4 of you. You made a huge difference.) Then, recently, I learned that I had to give up the latest car I had been using.

That threatened to put me in an enormous bind because I need a car for work (not to mention to go to the grocery store and things like that). I now have 5 jobs (substitute teaching or another temp job as my full-time day work and 4 part-time side jobs: acting in films, secret shopping, housesitting, and selling prepaid legal plans and identity theft protection). I’m about to start doing some other work, too. The important issue, though, is that all of my work requires me to have a car, either to get to the jobs (examples: out to the boondocks for a 4:00 a.m. call for a movie, over an hour drive to Las Vegas, NM, for a couple of secret shopping jobs, and immediately from my day job to a housesit to let a dog out of the house) or else to actually do them (some of the secret shopping requires me to do drive-through purchases). In fact, I have a housesitting job that starts tomorrow (April 1st) that I would have had to give up if I didn’t have a car by then. In addition to my losing about $250, it would have incredibly inconvenienced the homeowners and probably would have lost me all future work with them and with people they know. As I said, it would have been an enormous bind.

I have enough money coming in to make payments on a car. However, I don’t have enough to make a significant down payment. My finances are improving significantly – as long as I have a car and can continue working.

So, I had to find another car. I tried everything I could think of to do in the material world that I was willing to do (I wasn’t, for example, willing to try robbing a bank):

1. I asked everyone I could think of who might know of an available inexpensive car and who might also be willing to do so to help me find one. As you may have read before, humbling myself enough to ask for help is a challenge for me. I’m just accepting it as a spiritual practice and lesson for me, though. There must be some good reason for it.

2. I found 3 cars that were being given away. For one reason or another I didn’t get any of them. I chose to believe that they just weren’t my cars to have.

3. A couple of friends recommended someone to buy a car from. He reconditions cars, sells them in good condition, and finances them himself. Unfortunately, I learned that he requires a $1000 down payment, which was far more than I could possibly make right now.

4. I went to a dealer that advertises that they finance anyone. However, because I have no credit (it isn’t bad credit; it’s an absence of credit) and don’t have a job I’ve been working at full-time for over a year, they wanted either a $1500 down payment or else a co-signer on a loan.

5. I tried lots of other dealers that also require far more down payment than I can give them right now. One place wanted half down and $200 every 2 weeks. Does that sound funny to anyone else but me? If I could make those payments, wouldn’t I be going through a traditional lender?

I also considered asking people I know for a loan or to co-sign a loan for me. Those felt like too much to ask for, so I ruled out those options. It might have been different if I knew for certain that I had a lot of money coming in soon. But I don’t know that for certain, though I’m imagining that it will occur.

Consequently, I felt stuck without acceptable options in the material world. So, I turned to the only other things I knew to do – prayer, visualization, gratitude, and surrender. I prayed for the right outcome, visualized waves of abundance (including a car), got some of my prayer/visualization partners to join me in that, and expressed gratitude for it all. Then I surrendered to whatever came, having faith that it was somehow perfect. As one of my teachers used to say repeatedly, “Thank you for everything; I have no complaints whatsoever.”

On Tuesday, March 28th, I gave up the car I had been using and took a few deep breaths.

That same day I received a call from a friend telling me that she had decided to release a car she owned and wondering if I was still looking for one to buy. We met the next day, and she insisted that I drive the car for a week or so to make sure I wanted it because it’s old (which also means inexpensive). So, I was only without a car for a day. I walked to one meeting and rode the bus to school one morning. Other than that there were no problems (and I’m not sure those were really problems).

I now have a 1985 Toyota Tercel wagon with low mileage (just over 148K miles) that’s in fairly good condition for its age for a week or 2 until I need to decide if I’ll really buy it. At that point I either need to have manifested the money to buy it or else to have manifested another car. I’m open to the right outcome, whatever it may be.

I acknowledge that this feels like a minor miracle to me. Of course, if it’s a miracle, I could have ended up with a blue 2006 Subaru Forester, which is my dream car, free and clear with licensing and insurance paid. Is that asking too much? I believe it’s the part of me that thinks it is that keeps it from coming to me.

For now, I’m grateful to have any car that will get me around. But, I’m working on upgrading my consciousness. I’m willing to have that Forester – not to mention all other forms of abundance. I see it coming in frequent, repeated 11-foot waves of all abundance. How’s that for a visualization?

In the meantime I’m grateful for a 1985 Toyota Tercel wagon and for my friend who has been so kind to me about it. I accept it as perfect for me for however long that may be. And, I acknowledge that I wonder if maybe there’s still more to the story to be revealed.

Namaste,
Michael

How self-revealing?

I spent the past few days writing a long extremely self-revealing message about how I sabotaged my relationship with A (the one that ended this past September). When I printed it out to send to her, it was 5 ½ pages single-spaced. I wrote it because I believe that I need to tell the truth about all of that in order to heal, to move beyond what I did to undermine the love and joy she and I might have had together otherwise, and to clean up my relationship life so I can be more ready for my next partner (if there ever is one).

Though I seriously considered it, I’ve decided not to post it for everyone to read. I have some conflict about that. On one hand I believe that whatever we hide runs our lives, so we’re much better off self-disclosing. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks go so far as to say, “If there is anything in your life you wouldn’t be willing to talk about over the loudspeakers in Yankee Stadium, it’s got a grip on you.” (Pg. 126, The Conscious Heart) I’ve heard the same thing from other teachers I highly respect. (Before someone brings this up, they also distinguish between secrecy and privacy and say this only applies to secrets.)

On the other hand, Greg Baer (Real Love and other books) suggests that while it’s crucial to reveal our secrets, it’s also important that we be selective about who we reveal them to. For the big stuff he recommends that we only disclose it to people we can pretty much count on to be accepting and keep it hidden from people we can’t count on in that way. It’s very similar to doing a 5th step in a 12-step program.

So, the issue for me isn’t whether to keep it hidden entirely, but who to reveal things to and who not to. I accept that I do need to disclose the whole nearly 6 pages of personal relationship garbage to some people. However, my decision is that I will be selective and not put it out for everyone in the world to read (if they choose to). Maybe eventually it will seem like the right thing to do to change my mind and post it. Maybe not. Once I reveal it to some people, maybe it won’t matter any more.

This, then, brings up something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. Who is my real support group? In the term that Larry A. Thompson uses in Shine: A Powerful 4-Step Plan for Becoming a Star in Anything You Do, who is my team? I aspire to be a star in having loving relationships (not just a romantic one, but all kinds of loving relationships). One of his 4 steps is to develop and use our team. He tells us that a good team requires people in a variety of positions:
1. Mentors – wise guides who are personally involved in our lives and who are on-call for us. This is similar to what 12-step programs call sponsors.
2. Professionals – therapists, teachers, authors, ministers, etc.
3. Role models – people who have done what we aspire to and who we model ourselves after. These are the only people on our team whom we don’t necessarily have any personal contact with. We may read about them or just watch them.
4. Motivators – our cheerleaders, boosters, and butt-kickers.
5. Reality checkers – people who have our best interests at heart, but who also give us difficult feedback. He compares this to doing an intervention with an alcoholic.

Any given person can be in more than one of the positions, and we can be on each other’s teams so that it’s a mutual endeavor, if that seems appropriate.

The support team can also be accurately compared to a company’s board of directors. We bring into our lives a group of people who are likely to assist us to accomplish what we desire. The difference is that our personal team doesn’t need to all meet together (though they could). That means I could have members on my team who are all over the world.

Even though the idea of developing such a team brings up some fear in me, I also recognize its value to me. I lack an effective support team in my life. I have aspects of it informally, but I don’t have a clearly defined team of people I’ve asked to be part of it. I also recognize that I could use several teams for several different intentions I have, both personal and professional.

So, I’m going to develop my teams for my various intentions. One of them will be my conscious loving relationships support team. (There’s another wave of fear.) It’s those people who I’ll choose to be totally self-revealing with.

I will be personally inviting some people to join the team. If you feel called to participate, contact me. Unless you already have loads of conscious loving relationships in your life (including a magnificent marriage or other long-term committed relationship), I’m hoping you’ll want it to be a mutual endeavor. We can discuss what I have in mind at more depth before you commit to participating.

I choose to do whatever it takes for me to step into my potential as a loving person. And so it is.

Namaste,
Michael