Substratum

I’ve developed a new field of investigation: psycho-archaeology. We who are psycho-archaeologists do archaeological digs into the depths of our consciousness.

I recently began doing a major dig into whatever is going on with me with relationships. My first publication of the results was my treatise to A about what I did to sabotage my relationship with her.

Simultaneously I was doing another large dig into those pits of depression I’ve been falling into off and on much of my life.

And guess what. I found that just a few layers down, there was the same substratum that underlay both issues. In fact, I’ve discovered that that substratum underlies every problem, every issue, every struggle, every frustration I’ve ever had in life.

OK, I know, I’ve slipped from archaeological metaphor into geological metaphor. So, I’m not perfect. Drop me a letter grade on my essay if you want. Though it feels more like a master’s thesis right now. I’ve been trying to write this for days, and it keeps getting deeper and more complex every time I think about it.

Anyway, what I’ve found and experienced is that the substratum that underlies all painful issues in my life is resistance to feeling fear, emptiness, and loneliness (as shorthand, I’ll refer to them from now on as f/e/l) and a huge cache of those feelings sitting there inside me, waiting to be restimulated. I now understand that EVERYTHING else that hasn’t worked in my relationships and in the rest of my life has been a consequence of my trying to protect myself from feeling overwhelmed by f/e/l. Sometimes, much to my consternation, what I’ve done to protect myself from those feelings has actually fed them and increased them, the opposite of what I wanted.

I acknowledge that I am responsible for having those feelings inside. I wasn’t responsible for the conditions and events that instilled them in the first place (when I was a child), but I am responsible for not having done since then what it takes to heal them and not be so influenced by them. Consequently, I’m also responsible for the negative effects they’ve had on much of my life, including probably all of my romantic relationships.

I’ve come to realize that there are 2 problems at the root of why f/e/l have run my life so much:
I don’t have enough people in my life who love me unconditionally so that I can fill myself up with love instead of f/e/l. (See Greg Baer, Real Love) I believe this is a temporary solution, but one that will work if I keep those people around so I can re-fill whenever needed.
I haven’t done the work to develop a strong and effective enough inner loving adult who will take care of my wounded inner child and who can bring through God’s love to me so that I don’t need to get it from the outside. (See Margaret Paul, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?) I believe this is the long-term, ultimate solution.

Because I need to do this spiritual healing work, I have repeatedly attracted people and situations into my life that have called me to do the healing by reminding me of the wounds (of the f/e/l). I also believe that my spiritual guides and teachers have cooperated in this by helping to set my life up so that I’d have to learn what I’ve needed to learn. So, as results of my f/e/l and my attempts to protect myself from them, I’ve consistently repeated some patterns of thinking and behaving that have sabotaged many aspects of my life. Among them have been attempting to control, hanging on tightly to what didn’t work for me, withholding (not being open), blaming, acting like a victim, and avoiding (what Greg Baer calls running and some others call hiding).

One manifestation of the avoiding I’ve done is that I’ve run away from relationships (all kinds of them, not just romantic ones) because getting involved has brought up the fear of getting hurt. Part of that avoiding has been sabotaging relationships I did start. It seems that I’ve preferred to run from relationships than to be hurt by them. Yes, that’s true in at least many cases. As soon as it looks to me like I may be rejected (thus bringing up f/e/l), I start to run away (thus causing myself f/e/l). Apparently being in charge of it seems like a better option than being a victim of it. So, I avoid what I want most – loving relationships.

Sometimes I feel like the guy who bought a dog and named her Go Away. Then he’d call to her: “Come here, Go Away.” (Thanks to Trish for this joke.)

I’ve also discovered a wide variety of other “creative” ways that I’ve avoided feeling f/e/l. One of them is by becoming depressed. As you probably know, I’ve been paying close attention to the dynamics of the depression I experience. I’ve concluded that, at least in part, it’s a way of protecting myself against f/e/l, which feels much worse to me than depression does. F/e/l begins to come up, and I’ve protected myself from it by depressing myself. It’s also a form of being a victim. If I’m depressed, then I’ve believed that I have a “good” reason for not doing whatever I fear. So, I don’t think that any of the other explanations for depression are relevant. I think I’ve just been avoiding f/e/l.

That’s exactly what Margie Paul (Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?) suggests about depression. It’s a consequence of trying to protect myself from feelings rather than having the intention to learn about loving when the feelings arise. Margie says it will turn out differently, that I won’t fall into depression if I’ll choose differently, if I’ll choose the path of learning about loving when those feelings arise.

Is it really this simple? (Not easy – simple.) It may be. I’m willing to find out. I’m choosing to believe that it is.

I have to admit that knowing this and remembering it when I begin to get depressed really does spoil a “good” depression. Oh, well….

So, I’m on my way. I have the foundation (the substratum) identified. Now I just need to stay conscious and to choose the other path, the path of learning to love myself, my feelings, and other people whenever f/e/l arise instead of choosing to protect myself.

Not easy, but simple.

Namaste,
Michael

Healing and enhancing relationships

I’ve been reading a book the past few days that is speaking loudly to me. It isn’t that I don’t already know some of what the author presents. It’s that there’s enough that I didn’t know and what I do know is organized and presented so well that I love the book. It’s The Relationship Cure by John Gottman, Ph.D.

In case you don’t know about Dr. Gottman, he’s a professor, relationship researcher, and therapist in Seattle. One of his claims to fame is that he’s demonstrated that he can observe a relationship for a matter of minutes and then predict with over 90% accuracy if that relationship will last more than a few years. He tells how in one of his books.

If you don’t know this about me, relationship healing and enhancement is one of my passions. It’s also been a focus of mine in my past professional work as a coach, therapist, educator, and workshop facilitator. I’m sure it will be again when I finally step back into that identity.

So, I’m feeling moved to share with you my list of favorite books about relationships. Then I’ll ask you to tell me about more. Here they are:

Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, Ph.D.s:
Conscious Loving
The Conscious Heart
Lasting Love
Attracting Genuine Love
Spirit-Centered Relationships

Marianne Williamson:
A Return to Love
Enchanted Love

John Gottman, Ph.D.:
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail... And How You Can Make Yours Last
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The Relationship Cure

Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.:
Nonviolent Communication; a Language of Compassion

Greg Baer, M.D.:
Real Love
Real Love in Marriage (in my opinion, a better book than Real Love, but you’ll have to order it through his web site – www.realloveinstitute.com)
Real Love in Dating (also available through his web site)

Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.:
If the Buddha Dated
If the Buddha Married
A Home for the Heart; A Practical Guide to Intimate and Social Relationships

John Welwood, Ph.D.:
Journey of the Heart; The Path of Conscious Love

Barry Vissell, M.D. and Joyce Vissell, R.N., M.S.:
The Shared Heart: Relationship Initiations & Celebrations
Light in the Mirror

Stephen and Ondrea Levine:
Embracing the Beloved; Relationship as a Path of Awakening

Don Miguel Ruiz, M.D.:
The Four Agreements
The Mastery of Love

Richard Bach:
Bridge Across Forever

A Course in Miracles (this is really more a spiritual path than just a book about relationships, but it’s too relevant not to list)

Robert Perry:
Relationships as a Spiritual Journey (based on A Course in Miracles)

Susan Page:
If We’re So In Love, Why Aren’t We Happy? Using Spiritual Principles to Solve Real Problems
If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?
The Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive

Susan Campbell, Ph.D.:
Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real

Kenny & Julia Loggins:
The Unimaginable Life

Harville Hendrix:
Getting the Love You Want
Keeping the Love You Find
Giving the Love That Heals

I’m eager to know about any other great relationship books. So, do you have any favorite books about healing or enhancing relationships that I’ve missed?

Namaste,
Michael

Who that?

I have an admission to make. I am a language geek. (Or is it a nerd? I have difficulty distinguishing between those words. And to a language geek/nerd it matters.) I love language. I believe that proficiency with language gives us more power in the world. That’s the reason I, as a substitute teacher, usually choose to take English classes as my assignments.

When I speak of language, I don’t just mean words and their meaning. I also mean syntax, spelling, grammar, punctuation, and all the other aspects of language that make one a great writer or speaker.

Consequently, I have a lot of concern about how language is misused by so many people. I’m not judgmental about it. I just wish people were more careful about what they say and write so that they could communicate more clearly. One of my special interests is how people use language in such a way that they subtly communicate something other than what they mean.

And that brings me to the topic for this post. I can’t begin to say how often I see people referred to as “that” in writing and hear it in speaking. For example, “I have a sister that likes to go hiking” or “Will people that like to sing please come to our choir meeting.”

“That” refers to objects, to things. When we use “that” to refer to people, we’re subtly objectifying them. Whenever I see or hear people referred to as “that” I wince to myself.

“Who” is the word that refers to a person. “I have a sister who likes to go hiking.” “Will people who like to sing please come to our choir meeting.” Those sentences tell us the speaker/writer is talking about people and not about pieces of furniture or rocks – or worse yet, about someone they’re choosing to treat disrespectfully.

OK, now you can all go ahead and say/write whatever you want. I’ve had the privilege of telling you my perception of the issue, and maybe some of you will think about it a little. That’s enough.

Namaste,
Michael