This Is My Life

Quick update

2006-06-04T21:50:00.000-06:00

Several people have written to me lately expressing concern because they haven’t heard from me for so long. Note that they think a month is a long time for me. It’s all relative. I suspect that there are other people who don’t think anything about it.

Anyway, here’s a quick update so anyone who is prone to worry won’t do that and so everyone will know the most significant things that have taken my time, attention, and energy over the past month.

First, I was called to work in “Comanche Moon,” the prequel to “Lonesome Dove.” It will be a miniseries (3 episodes, I think) on CBS and will be shown this fall (I’ve heard November). Between May 11 and this past Friday, June 2, I’ve worked 14 days on the film, 11 of them between 10 and 14 hours per day (which is usual in the film industry). Many days I’d get home, download e-mail and immediately fall into bed so I could sleep a few hours before I had to get up to make it to early morning (as early as 4:30 and usually around 5:30) calls. I have lots of interesting stories to tell. I’ll be writing more soon in my acting blog if you’d like to read about them. I’ll let you know when those entries are posted.

On weekdays I wasn’t working in the film, I substitute taught – until the school year ended on May 25. Imagine being a substitute teacher on the last day of school with 8th graders. They were bouncing off the walls and beyond ready to not be there any longer.

Early in May I learned that my apartment mate and his partner were planning to move in together the first of June, so I had to move, too. Consequently, I spent a lot of time looking for a place, packing, and, as my former wife would have said, schlepping all my stuff out of my old place and into my new one. The end of May was especially joyous when I worked in the film all day and then moved afterwards and, finally on May 31, put the last load in my car at 4 a.m. before I went to the set.

On top of all of that, my trigeminal neuralgia has returned. So, unfortunately, it was just in remission rather than healed. Fortunately, however, it isn’t as severe as it was the previous episodes. Nevertheless, it has interfered with living my life normally. It seems to be worst, for some reason, during the night. Consequently, it’s been waking me up and keeping me awake quite a bit. I’ve been losing a lot of sleep, as you can probably imagine.

There’s more, but this is enough for now. I’m sure you must get the idea why I haven’t been writing more lately.

Namaste,
Michael

This is intimacy

2006-05-10T18:18:00.000-06:00

For many years I’ve shared my thoughts, feelings, and experiences with people, first via photocopied letters and newsletters and more recently, since I’ve become computer-enabled, via e-mail, journals, and blogs. From the beginning I’ve received some appreciative responses, some negative feedback, and enormous silence (no reply at all). Nevertheless, I’ve continued to write and to send my self-revelations on a more-or-less regular basis to family members, current friends, former friends, former lovers, people I’d like to get to know better, and anyone else who shows interest in reading them.

Lots of people have thought that my doing this is rather strange. I just put myself out there with no assurance of self-protection, reciprocity, or interest on the part of the reader. “Why?” I’ve been asked on many occasions. My reply has always been some form of, “because I want to provide all of you the opportunity to know who I really am; then you have the opportunity to either read what I say and to know me or not, as you choose.”

This morning I read something that I’d like to share with you. It is absolutely on target.

In his book Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch says there are “two ‘types’ of intimacy:

“Other-validated intimacy involves the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure. … This is what is often mistaken for intimacy per se. …

“Self-validated intimacy relies on a person maintaining his or her own sense of identity and self-worth when disclosing, with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity. … One’s capacity for self-validated intimacy is directly related to one’s level of differentiation; that is, one’s ability to maintain a clear sense of oneself when loved ones are pressuring for conforming and sameness. Self-validated intimacy is the tangible product of one’s ‘relationship with oneself.’ …

“Other-validated intimacy ‘sounds’ like this: ‘I’ll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself. … I’ll go first and then you’ll be obligated to disclose – it’s only fair. And if I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!’

“Self-validated intimacy … sounds quite different: ‘I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me – and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection – but I must face that possibility if I’m ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me.’ …

“If you are willing and able to show yourself ‘as you are’ and call things as you see them – unilaterally – [others are] less likely to silence you because you’re not asking for anything in return – only the chance to say what you feel. Such a relationship can remain intimate even in times of conflict – like when one of you wants less intimacy than the other. [People] who aren’t dependent on each other’s validation to feel okay about themselves fuel their [relationships] with their unique strengths rather than their mutual weaknesses.”

Yes, without knowing the concept, I have been practicing self-validating intimacy. Restating one of Schnarch’s statements so that it more accurately fits me, “I want to know that you at least have the opportunity to really know me.” It is my gift, both to you and to myself. If you appreciate it, I am blessed. If you aren’t interested, I regret it. Either way, I’ve at least taken a unilateral step, a self-validated step, in developing intimacy with you.

Some people believe, as Schnarch points out, that intimacy is necessarily reciprocal and obligatory. “If I reveal myself to you, then you must reveal yourself to me in similar measure. If I comment about your message, then you must comment about mine.” I don’t share that belief. I reveal myself to you because I want to be known intimately. If you feel moved to reveal yourself to me, I’m pleased, and I admit, our relationship becomes deeper and more immediate. If you don’t, then you are less intimate with me and our relationship is less intimate as a whole, but I am still intimate with you.

One of the objections that some people have had to my journal/letters (and now blogs) is that they aren’t written personally to them. This is, of course, true. I am revealing myself intimately, but not personally with anyone. However, what I write in my open messages are things that I want everyone to know. They are things that I don’t want to repeat over and over again with each of the people I know. So, they are, in part, a major timesaving method. I also do write personally to some of my friends (and possible future friends). I have the advantage of being able to talk to them about things that are more personal to them, knowing that they also have the information from and foundation provided by my journal/blogs. I can focus on what’s most important with this specific person without repeating what I’ve already said to other people.

One of my great disappointments is that I don’t have more time available to develop friendships with people. (I’ll write sometime about my difficulties with prioritizing and time management. This is a big part of the problem.) Consequently, I write generally to a lot of people, and I write personally to (and comment about the blogs of) some people more than others. I feel deep regret that I don’t even write to the people I feel closest with often enough. Right now more than a few people come to mind who I want to write to personally and it’s been too long. I’m sure some of you know who you are. There are also several people I’ve met online who I’d like to become closer with personally. I haven’t taken the time to do that yet. I feel sad that I’m not doing as much as I’d like to be closer with these people. I’m going to do something to change that. In the meantime, at least everyone has my blog/journal messages.

Namaste,
Michael

More about friendship

2006-05-03T18:20:00.000-06:00

I’ve been continuing to delve into what I consider the core of friendship since I wrote my last blog entry (the one called “Are you my friend?”). I appreciate the people I know (or am getting to know) who have helped me with that and the authors who have written things I’ve found valuable.

Here are 10 more characteristics of what I mean by friendship, stated as how I intend to act with friends:

1. I do my best not to have too many standards for my friends to live up to. Any of you who is my friend is my friend no matter what – even if you don’t consider me to be your friend – except in the most unusual of cases. For example, I rarely hear anything from some of the people I consider my closest friends – and I haven’t since I left the Seattle area. Nevertheless, I trust that when I visit wherever they are, we will still be close. I’ll remember to write soon about what my boundaries are – what would lead me to choose to let go of a friendship.

2. I do my best to give my friends the benefit of the doubt. If, for example, I don’t hear from someone for a long time, I assume there must be a good reason for that from their point of view. And I do my best not to take it personally. If, for another example, a friend snaps at me (or does anything else occasionally that’s a way I don’t appreciate being treated), I do my best to wonder what’s going on with her/him and to be supportive instead of judging him/her for it or taking it personally.

3. Relevant to the example in #1, I will continue to be a friend to my friends even through times of separation. In one case a friend and I went a number of years without contact of any kind. I considered that person to be my friend all through our time of separation. Then we got in touch and picked up our friendship as if there had been no lapse in our contact.

4. I do my best to accept my friends as they are and not to demand that they change to suit me. I have friends of different religions, different political persuasions, and other different (than mine) ways of thinking. I have friends who choose different ways of being in the world than I do. I have friends who don’t give me the attention I wish they would. And I have friends who act in many other ways that I would prefer be other than they are. None of that matters. They’re still my friends. I appreciate about them whatever I possibly can and accept the rest. (Of course, there are limits to what people can do without my letting go of the friendship. As I said, I’ll write soon about my boundaries. As a preview, though, they’re all pretty serious things – things like intentionally hurting people and being a racist.)

5. I want to emphasize one of the things that I mentioned in the previous item. One friend suggested that she believes that friendship needs to be mutual, if not equal. I don’t share that belief. I have friends who don’t consider me to be their friend and who don’t act in any way that I would consider friendly (though I don’t mean they act in unfriendly ways, either). Nevertheless, they are my friends, and I will be there for them if it’s ever needed. I continue to communicate with them as I would with any friend who reciprocates. If they ask me to stop communicating, I do, but I still hold them in my heart. If they ever change their minds and want to be closer again, I’ll celebrate that.

6. If I prefer that a friend changes in any way, I do my best to make a request rather than a demand. (Requests are questions and will take no for an answer; demands are, well, demands and won’t take no for an answer.) I also don’t just assume that they’ll know that they “should” change. For example, if I want a friend to call me because I’ve been making all the calls, I’ll ask her/him to call me next time. I won’t demand that he/she calls me, and I won’t assume that any real friend would know that she/he “should” make the next call.

7. I never make threats to terminate a relationship unless I’ve requested changes, I’ve communicated with the friend about the issue quite a bit (whether she/he will communicate about it or not), it’s a violation of a boundary, and I’m very serious about it. Once again, look forward to my post about boundaries. However, I may back off on how close I am with a particular friend in less serious cases. In those cases, I’m still open to becoming closer again if things change in a way that works for both of us.

8. I do my best to never use any of what John Gottman, Ph.D., calls “the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (behaviors that predict failure of a relationship when used consistently) and certainly not to use them more than occasionally. They are criticism (attacking a person as opposed to complaining about a behavior), contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (refusing to communicate or avoiding communicating).

9. I do my best not to project onto my friends. In other words, I do my best not to imagine or assume anything about them or to think I know what’s right for them. Instead, I ask them.

10. I do my best not to make agreements I don’t fully intend to keep and to keep agreements once I’ve made them. If I can’t keep an agreement, I do my best to acknowledge it and renegotiate as quickly as possible. This refers to agreements I’ve actually made, not to assumed agreements. I don’t make agreements without clearly stating them as agreements.

I’ve stated a lot of these as “I do my best to” because I admit that occasionally I go unconscious (I don’t mean “pass out”) and violate them. However, it’s my intention to do them whenever I’m able to be aware enough to do them. I’m not perfect yet and may never be.

I also acknowledge that I don’t always meet all the criteria of friendship I listed in my previous post on friendship with all of my friends. In fact, I don’t meet all of them with anyone all the time. I didn’t mean them as ways to judge myself or anyone else.

This could end up being a series that goes on for a very long time. I think I have a lot to write about friendship. It’s an important issue for me and one I’ve experienced a lot of frustration and disappointment with through my life. I’m also very aware that it’s an area in which I want to make some changes. More about that later.

Namaste,
Michael

Who are my friends?

2006-04-22T19:59:00.000-06:00

Who are my friends? Who are your friends? Am I your friend? Are you mine?

Even more to the point, what is a friend?

For many years I’ve chuckled to myself about how loosely some people use the term “friend.” For example, I think of an entertainer who called to the stage “my good friend” whoever. Yet I knew that the likelihood was that they rarely, if ever, spent time together other than professionally – if that. And I think of all the fraternity “brothers,” some of whom didn’t like each other and were incredibly judgmental about each other.

Now we have the internet and burgeoning opportunities to make “friends.” Instant messengers all have friend or buddy lists. Sites like Yahoo 360, Care 2, Live Journal, and My Space all have friend lists. We have our friends from our online groups. We have the friends we’ve met through online dating sites. And so on and on. Some of us have huge numbers of people we’ve met in any number of ways online whom we call friends.

But are these people really our friends? Or is the term just being used loosely?

For that matter, how many of the people we know in person are really our friends?

And does this issue make any difference at all? Am I just quibbling about semantics (as I’ve been accused of many times when I explore the meanings of words)?

It became a meaningful issue to me recently when I had some occasions to invite people to treat me like a friend. Some did. I felt pleased. Some didn’t. I felt disappointed. One, in particular, who claimed to be my friend actually treated me more like an enemy. I felt stunned and hurt.

So, at that moment, I began to care very much what a friend really is and who my friends really are.

Besides, as many of you know, I do like to explore the meanings of words. I admit that. I don’t believe there is any such thing as JUST semantics. Our ability to communicate depends in part on the meaning of words and on our sharing, or at least understanding, each other’s meanings.

And, furthermore, the meaning we give to the words we use gives an enormous insight into our worldview and how we structure our reality. In other words, I believe it’s a doorway to truly knowing each other at depth. How we use the word “friend” certainly is an example of that.

So, I’d like to give you an insight into my worldview by telling you how I use the term “friend.”

In my opinion, there are at least 4 types (or levels) of friendship. The types aren’t really discrete, but are more like points along a continuum. They are:

1. Friendly strangers: These are people we don’t really know, but who treat us in friendly ways. An example for me is the man I’d never seen before who pointed out to me that one of my tires was almost flat and offered to help me change it.

2. Acquaintances: These are people we’ve met in some way (in person or online) but with whom we’ve had little in-depth conversation. We probably haven’t spent much (if any) social time with acquaintances. We probably don’t know much beyond surface-level information about our acquaintances. Many of our online friends are, in my terminology, acquaintances.

3. Friends: These are the people we know more, who we’re more involved with, and who we can rely on to be part of our support system.

4. Close friends: These are the people who are in our lives a lot. We know quite a bit about each other, some of it information that not many people know. Their being part of our support system isn’t even at question; they’re on our side without a doubt.

Furthermore, as I use the term “friend,” I may be your friend even if you aren’t mine, or vice versa. Friendship isn’t necessarily mutual. Similarly, one of us can be a closer friend to the other than the other is to the first. There are quite a few people in my life who I consider friends and treat that way who don’t return similar treatment. I don’t know what some of them think and feel about me, to be honest. I’m still their friend no matter what. I’m open with them, and they can rely on me as part of their support system. Most of my former romantic partners are in this category.

That’s usually the way it is for me with friends. Once someone is a friend (including the very close kind of friendship involved in being my romantic partner), I rarely ever stop thinking of him or her as my friend and treating her or him that way. It takes a lot, repeated over time (or something very antagonistic), for me to let go of friendships. Forms of relationships may change, degrees of closeness may change, but, for me at least, the content, the friendship, remains. I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t seem to understand this – or to agree with it.

Following are some of the characteristics I believe define friendships and determine how close of a friend a person is (that is, at which level, or point along the continuum, they are). Degree of friendship depends on how all of these factors add up. Note that this description is a work in progress and that I may add to it or delete something from it as my awareness expands.

1. The amount of time we choose to spend together and the number of shared experiences we choose to have together. Usually I’m closer with someone I spend many evenings with than with someone I only spend an occasional evening with (assuming they both live in Santa Fe). Similarly, how often I talk with someone about social and personal topics in person, on the phone, via IM, or via e-mail exchange is a measure of how close I feel to the person as a friend.

If someone even registers on my friendship scale (as a friend or more; in some cases even as an acquaintance I feel friendly toward), I send him or her my winter holiday greeting – or I would if I knew where to send it. If I don’t make at least that much effort at contact (or if I wouldn’t if I knew how), then I wouldn’t call the person a friend. (This, of course, assumes that I send a holiday greeting at all – and I haven’t every year.)

2. The more other holiday greetings I send a person and whether or not I send her or him a birthday greeting (if I know his or her birth date) are less-than-perfect indicators of how close I feel to her or him.

3. Whether I invite the person to parties or social gatherings I might have (which are rare), whether they come if invited, whether they invite me to theirs, and whether I go to theirs (which is a big deal considering I’m an introvert and not real fond of parties) are all indicators of how close I feel to someone.

4. Here’s one that’s very telling: If a person visits Santa Fe, how do I respond? The closer I feel, the more I’ll go out of my way to spend time with her or him and the more likely I’ll provide a place for him or her to stay (or help her or him to find a place to stay). With close friends, I may even issue invitations to visit. Similarly, the closer we are, the more likely I‘ll hope he or she might do those things with me if I visit wherever she or he lives.

5. The closer we are as friends, the more we’ll be open and self-revealing with each other. In other words, the more emotional intimacy there will be in our relationship. Of course, I tend to be pretty open and self-revealing with everyone, so this isn’t as significant for me as it is for some people. It is a sign of my inviting friendship with acquaintances and closer friendship with friends, though. However, there are still things I’ll tell people I’m closer with that I won’t tell others.

6. Because we’ve been more open with each other, the closer we are, the more secrets we know about each other. Real friends keep those secrets sacred no matter what. Actually, honorable people will keep secrets, no matter how close they are to the person with the secret. But the closer we are, the more I’ll trust someone to keep my secrets. One of the reasons I always feel like I’m the friend of someone I’ve ever been really close with is because I know some significant secrets about that person and will always keep those secrets safe for him or her. I hope she or he will do the same for me.

7. The closer we are with each other, the more likely we are to read each other’s blogs, journals, or group messages and to reply to them or comment on them. I choose whose blog entries to read based on how close I feel with that person – or how close I’d like to feel with him or her.

8. The closer we are as friends, the more we can count on each other’s emotional support. We can count on the other person to be on our side, to be our ally, to encourage us rather than to discourage us regarding our self-exploration, growth, awakening, relationships, goals, dreams, intentions, desires, and spiritual mission. They will be genuinely on our side. In other words, they’ll give us the feedback and the encouragement that’s truly in our best interests rather than what we might want to hear that isn’t really in our best interests. For example, a real friend will participate in an intervention with someone who is actively alcoholic rather than letting her or him continue to wreck lives with his or her drinking. A false friend might say, “Oh, you don’t have a problem. Here, have another drink.”

9. The more we’re friends with each other, the more we’ll accept and honor each other’s messages no matter what they are. I may not agree with what he or she says. I may not reply. But I don’t object to receiving them. I’ll allow that person to communicate anything he or she wants to communicate – jokes, anecdotes, political messages, petitions, or whatever. If it’s important to the person to send those messages to me, the more we’re really friends, the more I’ll respect that.

10. Real friends deal with differences directly, honestly, respectfully, and gently rather than by avoiding, triangulating (going to a third person hoping that person will confront the one we have the complaint about), or using attacks (criticism, contempt, blaming, etc.). Enemies will try to hurt the person they have complaints about – for example, get the person thrown out of a group, expose sensitive secrets that will hurt him or her, or hit her or him.

11. The closer we are as friends, the more likely we are to help each other whenever it’s truly needed. I would get up out of bed in the middle of the night to go help a close friend whose car has broken down. I would loan or give a friend money when it’s needed and there’s a good reason for his or her needing it.

12. When we’re with each other in person, the closer we are as friends, the more I’ll touch – hugs, brief touches in passing, arms around each other, etc. I admit that I’m gender-biased about touching. I touch my women friends a lot more and in a lot more different ways than I do my men friends. And I’m not talking about sexual touching. (And my real friends won’t judge me harshly for that.)

So, there you have it. What do you think? What would you add? What would you delete? What would you modify? As I said before, I may modify this statement as I become more aware and learn more.

And now, given what I’ve written, or using your own definition if you prefer, am I your friend?

This is the first in a series that I’ll be writing on friendship. My next post in the series will be about what kinds of values and interests I look for in friends. Later I’ll be writing posts specifically about some of my friends – who they are and why they’re my friends – and about some of the people I’d like to be closer with as friends.

Namaste,
Michael

Fear or love

2006-04-20T19:02:00.000-06:00

I think it was a mistake to tell you awhile back that I rarely post things other people have written. I’m discovering that that rule boxes me in too much.

Here’s something that I like a lot from Rhonda Britten’s book Fearless Loving. I’ll tell you more about what it means to me in another post.

Fear tells you to hide your true self.
Love tells you to stand up and shine.

Fear wants perfection.
Love is perfect despite appearances.

Fear tells you being right is the way to stay safe.
Love knows safety is an illusion.

Fear argues for your limitations.
Love takes a stand for your greatness.

Fear wants more.
Love knows there is always enough.

Fear thinks pain is a weakness.
Love sees pain as an opening.

Fear wants guarantees.
Love wouldn’t ask for guarantees.

Fear tells you to protect yourself.
Love tells you to be vulnerable.

Fear wants to know why.
Love wants to know how.

Fear wants to confine.
Love wants to let go.

Fear wants to hold on.
Love wants to surrender.

Fear wants to be wanted.
Love knows it is wanted.

Fear judges.
Love accepts.

Fear tells you to sacrifice.
Love tells you it’s a gift.

What do you think? Does this speak to you? Are you noticing any insights? Or do you think this is complete balderdash?

Namaste,
Michael

Substratum

2006-04-10T19:15:00.000-06:00

I’ve developed a new field of investigation: psycho-archaeology. We who are psycho-archaeologists do archaeological digs into the depths of our consciousness.

I recently began doing a major dig into whatever is going on with me with relationships. My first publication of the results was my treatise to A about what I did to sabotage my relationship with her.

Simultaneously I was doing another large dig into those pits of depression I’ve been falling into off and on much of my life.

And guess what. I found that just a few layers down, there was the same substratum that underlay both issues. In fact, I’ve discovered that that substratum underlies every problem, every issue, every struggle, every frustration I’ve ever had in life.

OK, I know, I’ve slipped from archaeological metaphor into geological metaphor. So, I’m not perfect. Drop me a letter grade on my essay if you want. Though it feels more like a master’s thesis right now. I’ve been trying to write this for days, and it keeps getting deeper and more complex every time I think about it.

Anyway, what I’ve found and experienced is that the substratum that underlies all painful issues in my life is resistance to feeling fear, emptiness, and loneliness (as shorthand, I’ll refer to them from now on as f/e/l) and a huge cache of those feelings sitting there inside me, waiting to be restimulated. I now understand that EVERYTHING else that hasn’t worked in my relationships and in the rest of my life has been a consequence of my trying to protect myself from feeling overwhelmed by f/e/l. Sometimes, much to my consternation, what I’ve done to protect myself from those feelings has actually fed them and increased them, the opposite of what I wanted.

I acknowledge that I am responsible for having those feelings inside. I wasn’t responsible for the conditions and events that instilled them in the first place (when I was a child), but I am responsible for not having done since then what it takes to heal them and not be so influenced by them. Consequently, I’m also responsible for the negative effects they’ve had on much of my life, including probably all of my romantic relationships.

I’ve come to realize that there are 2 problems at the root of why f/e/l have run my life so much:
I don’t have enough people in my life who love me unconditionally so that I can fill myself up with love instead of f/e/l. (See Greg Baer, Real Love) I believe this is a temporary solution, but one that will work if I keep those people around so I can re-fill whenever needed.
I haven’t done the work to develop a strong and effective enough inner loving adult who will take care of my wounded inner child and who can bring through God’s love to me so that I don’t need to get it from the outside. (See Margaret Paul, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?) I believe this is the long-term, ultimate solution.

Because I need to do this spiritual healing work, I have repeatedly attracted people and situations into my life that have called me to do the healing by reminding me of the wounds (of the f/e/l). I also believe that my spiritual guides and teachers have cooperated in this by helping to set my life up so that I’d have to learn what I’ve needed to learn. So, as results of my f/e/l and my attempts to protect myself from them, I’ve consistently repeated some patterns of thinking and behaving that have sabotaged many aspects of my life. Among them have been attempting to control, hanging on tightly to what didn’t work for me, withholding (not being open), blaming, acting like a victim, and avoiding (what Greg Baer calls running and some others call hiding).

One manifestation of the avoiding I’ve done is that I’ve run away from relationships (all kinds of them, not just romantic ones) because getting involved has brought up the fear of getting hurt. Part of that avoiding has been sabotaging relationships I did start. It seems that I’ve preferred to run from relationships than to be hurt by them. Yes, that’s true in at least many cases. As soon as it looks to me like I may be rejected (thus bringing up f/e/l), I start to run away (thus causing myself f/e/l). Apparently being in charge of it seems like a better option than being a victim of it. So, I avoid what I want most – loving relationships.

Sometimes I feel like the guy who bought a dog and named her Go Away. Then he’d call to her: “Come here, Go Away.” (Thanks to Trish for this joke.)

I’ve also discovered a wide variety of other “creative” ways that I’ve avoided feeling f/e/l. One of them is by becoming depressed. As you probably know, I’ve been paying close attention to the dynamics of the depression I experience. I’ve concluded that, at least in part, it’s a way of protecting myself against f/e/l, which feels much worse to me than depression does. F/e/l begins to come up, and I’ve protected myself from it by depressing myself. It’s also a form of being a victim. If I’m depressed, then I’ve believed that I have a “good” reason for not doing whatever I fear. So, I don’t think that any of the other explanations for depression are relevant. I think I’ve just been avoiding f/e/l.

That’s exactly what Margie Paul (Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?) suggests about depression. It’s a consequence of trying to protect myself from feelings rather than having the intention to learn about loving when the feelings arise. Margie says it will turn out differently, that I won’t fall into depression if I’ll choose differently, if I’ll choose the path of learning about loving when those feelings arise.

Is it really this simple? (Not easy – simple.) It may be. I’m willing to find out. I’m choosing to believe that it is.

I have to admit that knowing this and remembering it when I begin to get depressed really does spoil a “good” depression. Oh, well….

So, I’m on my way. I have the foundation (the substratum) identified. Now I just need to stay conscious and to choose the other path, the path of learning to love myself, my feelings, and other people whenever f/e/l arise instead of choosing to protect myself.

Not easy, but simple.

Namaste,
Michael

Healing and enhancing relationships

2006-04-10T18:44:00.000-06:00

I’ve been reading a book the past few days that is speaking loudly to me. It isn’t that I don’t already know some of what the author presents. It’s that there’s enough that I didn’t know and what I do know is organized and presented so well that I love the book. It’s The Relationship Cure by John Gottman, Ph.D.

In case you don’t know about Dr. Gottman, he’s a professor, relationship researcher, and therapist in Seattle. One of his claims to fame is that he’s demonstrated that he can observe a relationship for a matter of minutes and then predict with over 90% accuracy if that relationship will last more than a few years. He tells how in one of his books.

If you don’t know this about me, relationship healing and enhancement is one of my passions. It’s also been a focus of mine in my past professional work as a coach, therapist, educator, and workshop facilitator. I’m sure it will be again when I finally step back into that identity.

So, I’m feeling moved to share with you my list of favorite books about relationships. Then I’ll ask you to tell me about more. Here they are:

Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, Ph.D.s:
Conscious Loving
The Conscious Heart
Lasting Love
Attracting Genuine Love
Spirit-Centered Relationships

Marianne Williamson:
A Return to Love
Enchanted Love

John Gottman, Ph.D.:
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail... And How You Can Make Yours Last
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The Relationship Cure

Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.:
Nonviolent Communication; a Language of Compassion

Greg Baer, M.D.:
Real Love
Real Love in Marriage (in my opinion, a better book than Real Love, but you’ll have to order it through his web site – www.realloveinstitute.com)
Real Love in Dating (also available through his web site)

Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.:
If the Buddha Dated
If the Buddha Married
A Home for the Heart; A Practical Guide to Intimate and Social Relationships

John Welwood, Ph.D.:
Journey of the Heart; The Path of Conscious Love

Barry Vissell, M.D. and Joyce Vissell, R.N., M.S.:
The Shared Heart: Relationship Initiations & Celebrations
Light in the Mirror

Stephen and Ondrea Levine:
Embracing the Beloved; Relationship as a Path of Awakening

Don Miguel Ruiz, M.D.:
The Four Agreements
The Mastery of Love

Richard Bach:
Bridge Across Forever

A Course in Miracles (this is really more a spiritual path than just a book about relationships, but it’s too relevant not to list)

Robert Perry:
Relationships as a Spiritual Journey (based on A Course in Miracles)

Susan Page:
If We’re So In Love, Why Aren’t We Happy? Using Spiritual Principles to Solve Real Problems
If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?
The Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive

Susan Campbell, Ph.D.:
Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real

Kenny & Julia Loggins:
The Unimaginable Life

Harville Hendrix:
Getting the Love You Want
Keeping the Love You Find
Giving the Love That Heals

I’m eager to know about any other great relationship books. So, do you have any favorite books about healing or enhancing relationships that I’ve missed?

Namaste,
Michael

Who that?

2006-04-10T18:20:00.000-06:00

I have an admission to make. I am a language geek. (Or is it a nerd? I have difficulty distinguishing between those words. And to a language geek/nerd it matters.) I love language. I believe that proficiency with language gives us more power in the world. That’s the reason I, as a substitute teacher, usually choose to take English classes as my assignments.

When I speak of language, I don’t just mean words and their meaning. I also mean syntax, spelling, grammar, punctuation, and all the other aspects of language that make one a great writer or speaker.

Consequently, I have a lot of concern about how language is misused by so many people. I’m not judgmental about it. I just wish people were more careful about what they say and write so that they could communicate more clearly. One of my special interests is how people use language in such a way that they subtly communicate something other than what they mean.

And that brings me to the topic for this post. I can’t begin to say how often I see people referred to as “that” in writing and hear it in speaking. For example, “I have a sister that likes to go hiking” or “Will people that like to sing please come to our choir meeting.”

“That” refers to objects, to things. When we use “that” to refer to people, we’re subtly objectifying them. Whenever I see or hear people referred to as “that” I wince to myself.

“Who” is the word that refers to a person. “I have a sister who likes to go hiking.” “Will people who like to sing please come to our choir meeting.” Those sentences tell us the speaker/writer is talking about people and not about pieces of furniture or rocks – or worse yet, about someone they’re choosing to treat disrespectfully.

OK, now you can all go ahead and say/write whatever you want. I’ve had the privilege of telling you my perception of the issue, and maybe some of you will think about it a little. That’s enough.

Namaste,
Michael

If...

2006-04-02T18:31:00.000-06:00

I’ve known her for a few months. We met sometime after A and I broke up. I don’t exactly remember when. We’ve talked some, but never at length, yet we know some pretty personal things about each other. I’m intentionally being vague. You’ll probably understand after you’ve read the rest of this. I’ll call her NK.

NK is one of those women in my life. “What women?” you ask. She’s one of those women I find attractive and like being around, one I wonder if I might fall in love with if circumstances were different. But circumstances are what they are. I’m too recently out of a relationship, too raw, not healed enough to get involved seriously with anyone. And NK is involved with someone already. As I said, if circumstances were different….

A few days ago NK and I had the longest conversation we’ve ever had, though it wasn’t all that long compared to some I’ve had. I was enjoying my time with her. Then it happened.

NK told me she likes me and enjoys talking with me. I returned the sentiments. And she said, “If I weren’t already involved with someone, I’d be interested in you.” Without a thought I said, “If you weren’t involved with someone, I’d be interested in you, too.”

There it was. Now what?

We agreed to continue to be friends. For me that’s a genuine commitment, not some sneaky way to reject someone. I think it was for her, too.

I won’t interfere with her relationship for several reasons. First, I don’t think I’ll have to take someone away from another man if she’s really my right partner. I believe that what’s rightfully mine will come to me easily. Second, I don’t want that bad karma in my life. I know that what goes around comes back around. Third, I don’t want to hurt another man just to have what I want. And fourth, as I said before, I’m not really ready for another relationship right now anyway. Any woman I’d get involved with these days would just be a transitional relationship.

So, I’ll be her friend. I doubt that any of you knows how many of those women there are in my life in some way – women I’m attracted to who are just my friends because the circumstances aren’t right for one reason or another or several. I’d bet that some of you who are reading this are among those women. I don’t have any pressing need to be involved romantically with any of those women; I’m content to have them as friends. I just know that in my mind and heart, there would be the potential for a romantic relationship if all those circumstances were different. But they aren’t.

By the way, one of the circumstances whenever I’m involved in a romantic relationship is that I’m already committed to her. I wouldn’t be looking for (or even open to) someone else to replace her. Refer to the first three reasons I mentioned for not interfering with someone else’s relationship and adapt them. I won’t interfere in that way with my own relationship, either.

What stands out to me about this most of all is that I was in that phase of breaking up with someone when I doubt that any woman I’ll find attractive will ever be interested in me again. Well, maybe I was mistaken. Maybe there are other possibilities in this life for me to have a romantic relationship. But, are there any without some of those circumstances that turn them into “just friends”? As I told one friend, it seems that most of the women I find attractive (and I mean far more than physically attractive) are either already involved with someone else or else not interested.

The door is open just a crack. If….

Namaste,
Michael

Answering the call

2006-04-02T18:25:00.000-06:00

Have you ever followed a seemingly unimportant inner urging and found yourself in a significant experience as a result? It just happened with me again early yesterday evening.

I’m housesitting at a home in Las Campanas (for any of you who is familiar with areas of Santa Fe). Since I know that phone calls will very rarely be for me (the homeowners are the only people I know who have the number and know I’m here), I sometimes answer them and usually don’t. Then I check messages occasionally to see if there’s something important to communicate to the people who live here.

Early yesterday evening the phone rang. I was going to ignore it, but something inside – one of those inner urgings I sometimes have – told me to answer. My rational mind thought maybe it was the homeowners calling to tell me they’d arrived where they were going. It wasn’t.

A woman named Karen was calling for the wife of the couple who lives here. When she heard that her friends had already left, she began chatting a bit anyway. She was very friendly. Then – I don’t recall how it came up – she told me that she’s had cancer and is working on recovery. I could have just listened. I could have ignored it. I could have done a lot of things, I guess. But another of those inner urgings arose.

I encouraged her to stay positive about it and briefly told her about Barbara, my friend who has recently beaten cancer for the second time. I also felt moved to tell her that we had gotten people all over the world to pray for her. Well, she really connected with that, and we ended up having a fairly long conversation about prayer and healing and about how we pray and about leaving the outcome open for whatever is the most spiritually appropriate outcome. I told her about ending prayers with “this or something better for the highest benefit of everyone concerned,” and she loved that. When we finally finished, Karen thanked me and said that our conversation had been important for her.

By following my inner urgings about a phone call from a stranger, I found myself ministering to someone and making a difference. Isn’t it interesting how the calls may come? I pledge myself, once again, to pay attention and to follow my inner guidance, whenever and however it appears. I never know when it might be directing me to something important.

Namaste,
Michael

Auto miracle?

2006-03-31T22:43:00.000-07:00

I’ll write a more general update very soon. Right now, though, I want to tell you about what happened about my finding a car. Was it a miracle? Was it spiritually designed? You decide.

Here’s a brief account of the history for anyone who doesn’t know it (or doesn’t remember):

Because of the lengthy illness I had that kept me from working for over half of 14 months between November, 2004, and January, 2006, I ended up in a severe financial crisis. During that time my former car broke down beyond the value of repairing it, and I sold it for almost nothing. For quite a while several people were generous enough to allow me to use cars they owned. (Thank you again to all 4 of you. You made a huge difference.) Then, recently, I learned that I had to give up the latest car I had been using.

That threatened to put me in an enormous bind because I need a car for work (not to mention to go to the grocery store and things like that). I now have 5 jobs (substitute teaching or another temp job as my full-time day work and 4 part-time side jobs: acting in films, secret shopping, housesitting, and selling prepaid legal plans and identity theft protection). I’m about to start doing some other work, too. The important issue, though, is that all of my work requires me to have a car, either to get to the jobs (examples: out to the boondocks for a 4:00 a.m. call for a movie, over an hour drive to Las Vegas, NM, for a couple of secret shopping jobs, and immediately from my day job to a housesit to let a dog out of the house) or else to actually do them (some of the secret shopping requires me to do drive-through purchases). In fact, I have a housesitting job that starts tomorrow (April 1st) that I would have had to give up if I didn’t have a car by then. In addition to my losing about $250, it would have incredibly inconvenienced the homeowners and probably would have lost me all future work with them and with people they know. As I said, it would have been an enormous bind.

I have enough money coming in to make payments on a car. However, I don’t have enough to make a significant down payment. My finances are improving significantly – as long as I have a car and can continue working.

So, I had to find another car. I tried everything I could think of to do in the material world that I was willing to do (I wasn’t, for example, willing to try robbing a bank):

1. I asked everyone I could think of who might know of an available inexpensive car and who might also be willing to do so to help me find one. As you may have read before, humbling myself enough to ask for help is a challenge for me. I’m just accepting it as a spiritual practice and lesson for me, though. There must be some good reason for it.

2. I found 3 cars that were being given away. For one reason or another I didn’t get any of them. I chose to believe that they just weren’t my cars to have.

3. A couple of friends recommended someone to buy a car from. He reconditions cars, sells them in good condition, and finances them himself. Unfortunately, I learned that he requires a $1000 down payment, which was far more than I could possibly make right now.

4. I went to a dealer that advertises that they finance anyone. However, because I have no credit (it isn’t bad credit; it’s an absence of credit) and don’t have a job I’ve been working at full-time for over a year, they wanted either a $1500 down payment or else a co-signer on a loan.

5. I tried lots of other dealers that also require far more down payment than I can give them right now. One place wanted half down and $200 every 2 weeks. Does that sound funny to anyone else but me? If I could make those payments, wouldn’t I be going through a traditional lender?

I also considered asking people I know for a loan or to co-sign a loan for me. Those felt like too much to ask for, so I ruled out those options. It might have been different if I knew for certain that I had a lot of money coming in soon. But I don’t know that for certain, though I’m imagining that it will occur.

Consequently, I felt stuck without acceptable options in the material world. So, I turned to the only other things I knew to do – prayer, visualization, gratitude, and surrender. I prayed for the right outcome, visualized waves of abundance (including a car), got some of my prayer/visualization partners to join me in that, and expressed gratitude for it all. Then I surrendered to whatever came, having faith that it was somehow perfect. As one of my teachers used to say repeatedly, “Thank you for everything; I have no complaints whatsoever.”

On Tuesday, March 28th, I gave up the car I had been using and took a few deep breaths.

That same day I received a call from a friend telling me that she had decided to release a car she owned and wondering if I was still looking for one to buy. We met the next day, and she insisted that I drive the car for a week or so to make sure I wanted it because it’s old (which also means inexpensive). So, I was only without a car for a day. I walked to one meeting and rode the bus to school one morning. Other than that there were no problems (and I’m not sure those were really problems).

I now have a 1985 Toyota Tercel wagon with low mileage (just over 148K miles) that’s in fairly good condition for its age for a week or 2 until I need to decide if I’ll really buy it. At that point I either need to have manifested the money to buy it or else to have manifested another car. I’m open to the right outcome, whatever it may be.

I acknowledge that this feels like a minor miracle to me. Of course, if it’s a miracle, I could have ended up with a blue 2006 Subaru Forester, which is my dream car, free and clear with licensing and insurance paid. Is that asking too much? I believe it’s the part of me that thinks it is that keeps it from coming to me.

For now, I’m grateful to have any car that will get me around. But, I’m working on upgrading my consciousness. I’m willing to have that Forester – not to mention all other forms of abundance. I see it coming in frequent, repeated 11-foot waves of all abundance. How’s that for a visualization?

In the meantime I’m grateful for a 1985 Toyota Tercel wagon and for my friend who has been so kind to me about it. I accept it as perfect for me for however long that may be. And, I acknowledge that I wonder if maybe there’s still more to the story to be revealed.

Namaste,
Michael

How self-revealing?

2006-03-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

I spent the past few days writing a long extremely self-revealing message about how I sabotaged my relationship with A (the one that ended this past September). When I printed it out to send to her, it was 5 ½ pages single-spaced. I wrote it because I believe that I need to tell the truth about all of that in order to heal, to move beyond what I did to undermine the love and joy she and I might have had together otherwise, and to clean up my relationship life so I can be more ready for my next partner (if there ever is one).

Though I seriously considered it, I’ve decided not to post it for everyone to read. I have some conflict about that. On one hand I believe that whatever we hide runs our lives, so we’re much better off self-disclosing. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks go so far as to say, “If there is anything in your life you wouldn’t be willing to talk about over the loudspeakers in Yankee Stadium, it’s got a grip on you.” (Pg. 126, The Conscious Heart) I’ve heard the same thing from other teachers I highly respect. (Before someone brings this up, they also distinguish between secrecy and privacy and say this only applies to secrets.)

On the other hand, Greg Baer (Real Love and other books) suggests that while it’s crucial to reveal our secrets, it’s also important that we be selective about who we reveal them to. For the big stuff he recommends that we only disclose it to people we can pretty much count on to be accepting and keep it hidden from people we can’t count on in that way. It’s very similar to doing a 5th step in a 12-step program.

So, the issue for me isn’t whether to keep it hidden entirely, but who to reveal things to and who not to. I accept that I do need to disclose the whole nearly 6 pages of personal relationship garbage to some people. However, my decision is that I will be selective and not put it out for everyone in the world to read (if they choose to). Maybe eventually it will seem like the right thing to do to change my mind and post it. Maybe not. Once I reveal it to some people, maybe it won’t matter any more.

This, then, brings up something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. Who is my real support group? In the term that Larry A. Thompson uses in Shine: A Powerful 4-Step Plan for Becoming a Star in Anything You Do, who is my team? I aspire to be a star in having loving relationships (not just a romantic one, but all kinds of loving relationships). One of his 4 steps is to develop and use our team. He tells us that a good team requires people in a variety of positions:
1. Mentors – wise guides who are personally involved in our lives and who are on-call for us. This is similar to what 12-step programs call sponsors.
2. Professionals – therapists, teachers, authors, ministers, etc.
3. Role models – people who have done what we aspire to and who we model ourselves after. These are the only people on our team whom we don’t necessarily have any personal contact with. We may read about them or just watch them.
4. Motivators – our cheerleaders, boosters, and butt-kickers.
5. Reality checkers – people who have our best interests at heart, but who also give us difficult feedback. He compares this to doing an intervention with an alcoholic.

Any given person can be in more than one of the positions, and we can be on each other’s teams so that it’s a mutual endeavor, if that seems appropriate.

The support team can also be accurately compared to a company’s board of directors. We bring into our lives a group of people who are likely to assist us to accomplish what we desire. The difference is that our personal team doesn’t need to all meet together (though they could). That means I could have members on my team who are all over the world.

Even though the idea of developing such a team brings up some fear in me, I also recognize its value to me. I lack an effective support team in my life. I have aspects of it informally, but I don’t have a clearly defined team of people I’ve asked to be part of it. I also recognize that I could use several teams for several different intentions I have, both personal and professional.

So, I’m going to develop my teams for my various intentions. One of them will be my conscious loving relationships support team. (There’s another wave of fear.) It’s those people who I’ll choose to be totally self-revealing with.

I will be personally inviting some people to join the team. If you feel called to participate, contact me. Unless you already have loads of conscious loving relationships in your life (including a magnificent marriage or other long-term committed relationship), I’m hoping you’ll want it to be a mutual endeavor. We can discuss what I have in mind at more depth before you commit to participating.

I choose to do whatever it takes for me to step into my potential as a loving person. And so it is.

Namaste,
Michael

Ripe bananas and pick-ups

2006-03-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

A friend was telling a story about something that happened in her life. She said she was looking over the bananas in a grocery store and a man asked her if she was looking for the ripe ones. Then he helped her pick some. There’s a lot more to the story, but that’s the part that’s important for what I want to write about.

Another friend replied that "are you looking for the ripe ones" is probably a pick up line. Then, after another exchange, she jokingly asked, “Didn't your parents teach you anything?”

I’ll admit that my parents didn’t teach me anything about connecting with women and dating – at least anything worth knowing. I’m sure they didn’t know all that much of value. I have no idea how they got together – how they met or started their first conversation. About all I know is that they liked to dance together and that they pushed that as THE way for me to connect with women. I, of course, being as resistant to my parents as I was, refused to learn to dance. Maybe it’s best that they didn’t try to teach me anything really valuable. I probably would have resisted that, too. As it was, I was free to learn anything that might be really helpful to me without it being contaminated by shoulds from my parents.

So I’ve spent much of my adult life learning about relationships. I’ve learned quite a bit, and I’ve developed some ideas about what works for people like me and what doesn’t. For quite a few years in Seattle I taught a class I called New Ways to Meet New People. It wasn’t, as I emphasized to the participants, about the RIGHT ways to meet new people. It was just ways to meet people that were different than what I saw most people doing, ways that had different results, ways that worked better for, as I said, people like me.

But, that’s all really just introduction to what I want to say.

I don’t understand the whole idea of pick-up lines. He says to her, “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” Then she’s supposed to say, “Yes, I’ll go out with you” because she gets that he’s trying to pick her up? Does that actually happen in real life?

And how is he supposed to know from just seeing her in the produce aisle trying to choose bananas that they have anything in common other than an affinity for long yellow fruit? Or maybe all he cares about is that he finds her physically attractive. That seems to be all it takes for a lot of people to want to begin dating. People like me want to know what kind of person she is in addition to whether we like her body.

What I do understand is conversation starters. He says, “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” and then they begin to talk and get to know a few things about each other. Eventually (maybe only 5 or 10 minutes there in the produce aisle, but after learning something interesting about her), he says (or she says, because, yes, women can initiate dates with men), “Would you be interested in continuing getting to know each other? How about if we go to lunch?” (or something like that).

She doesn’t have to guess what he means by “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” All he was doing was starting a conversation (and being helpful). If they talk more and think they’d like to keep talking, then either of them can say so openly. No pick up lines, just conversation leading to a clear request. I understand that. That’s what works for people like me.

It occurs to me that I could well have missed the subtle implications of what women have said to me any number of times in life. I know I did one time when I was in my mid-20s and recently out of my first marriage. She asked me, “Where do you live?” I told her. It didn’t occur to me until weeks later that she might have been asking me to take her home with me. I freely admit that I’m slow about picking up on things like that. That’s why people like me prefer clear communication and explicit requests.

And furthermore, it takes me (and people like me) longer to decide I want to date someone than it does the “usual” person. Maybe I’ve missed out on some great times by being so incredibly slow to initiate dates. But I tend to wait until I know women and really know we have something of interest to explore before I ask for a date. I’m sure that’s the reason a fairly large number of women have asked me out. They probably got tired of waiting for me to take the initiative. I’ll consider that possibility.

Anyway, I’m with Jillianne. I wouldn’t have taken “Are you looking for the ripe ones?” as a pick-up line. I would have just taken it as an offer of help with bananas. If he (or she, in my case) wanted more than that, she would have had to say more. And, if I wanted more than that, I would have taken it as my responsibility to say more than that. I wouldn’t have expected her to guess what I really meant.

And if you, like some people, think I’m taking all the romance out of it by wanting clear and explicit communication, then that means that we wouldn’t get along with each other anyway. Neither of us is wrong. We’re just different, and we both have the right and the privilege to have it our way in our relationships – just not with each other.

Namaste,
Michael

Taking and receiving

2006-03-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

The other side of caring or caretaking is receiving or taking. I want to complete the picture for you, so here's another section of Margie Paul's chapter in her book Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?

Once again, I pass this along as something I agree with completely. And once again, I encourage you to read the entire book.

Taking and Receiving

You are taking when you have expectations about what another person "should" be giving you. You are taking when you expect others to do for you what you can and need to do for yourself. You are taking when you try to control what others choose to give. You are taking when you do not take responsibility for your own health and well-being and expect others to give themselves up for you – to take care of you physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, or spiritually. Anytime you expect someone to sacrifice themselves for you, you are taking. You cannot be giving when your intent is to take. This is the true definition of selfish – wanting only to take from other people, wanting others to sacrifice themselves for you, and giving to them only with the intent to get something in return.

You are receiving when you accept help when you need it. You are receiving when you allow others to mother or father you, to bring Divine Love to you. You are receiving when you lovingly take in what is offered from the heart – compliments, appreciation, validation, gifts. It is the loving Adult who allows the Inner Child to receive. It is the wounded child-adult who blocks out receiving, who just wants to take and have control over what is given.

There is no sense of obligation when you are caring and receiving – only when you are caretaking and taking. Feeling a sense of obligation can alert you to the fact that the other person is caretaking rather than caring. When there are strings attached to giving, you will probably feel obligated. When someone gives to you from the heart and obviously receives joy in the giving, you will not feel obligated. When someone is caretaking, an invisible scorecard is kept, and eventually the caretaker will get angry if you do not even the score by giving him or her something back. Many people automatically keep this invisible scorecard and, in addition to feeling that you owe them something when they caretake you, they feel that they owe you something when they take from you. This scorecard ruins many relationships.

And so it is,
Michael

Caring and caretaking

2006-03-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

I seldom post things other people have written, except for brief quotations and occasional poetry. I want to focus on my own writing, my own thoughts, my own feelings. This time is an exception. What I’m going to offer you is so important to me that I want to pass it along.

So, even though I didn’t write it, consider it my ideas – because I endorse it without reservation.

This is a section of a chapter in Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. I encourage you to buy and to read the entire book.

Caring and Caretaking

It is important to understand the huge difference between caring and caretaking. You are caretaking when you give to someone out of fear, obligation, or guilt. You are caretaking when you have an agenda attached. For example, you may want to be seen as good and loving, or you may want to be loved back or avoid anger. You are also caretaking when you do for another what they need to do for themselves. Giving that harms you – physically, emotionally, financially – is caretaking. Caretaking is draining. You are not bringing through God’s love. You are giving in the hopes of getting something back. When you don’t get it, you feel drained and resentful.

You are caring when, out of your love, empathy, and compassion, you do for others what they cannot do for themselves, with no strings attached. You are caring when you take care of babies, children, the elderly, the disabled, and the ill (provided they are not using their illness as a way out of personal responsibility). You are caring when you are mothering, bringing through God’s love to others who cannot yet do this for themselves. You are caring when you are fathering, taking action for others when they cannot take action for themselves.

You are caring when you give something to another as a gift with no strings attached. You may give money or time that comes from your heart and brings you joy to give. You might make a lovely dinner for someone, even though that person is fully capable of making dinner, because it gives you joy to give to him or her in this way. There are many little things you might choose to do for others because it makes their life easier, not because you expect anything in return, but because it gives you joy to do so. This is caring. This is love. This is being an instrument of God.

Caretaking is giving from the wounded child-adult – giving to get, or giving out of fear, obligation, or guilt. Caring is giving from the loving Adult, being an emissary of God.

And so it is,
Michael

Money, depression, and staying afloat

2006-03-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

OK, people keep expressing concern about me, so I’ll let you know how things are going.

First, the image of staying afloat reminds me of the scene at the end of the movie Titanic when Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) is in the freezing water doing his best to stay afloat. It has been very cold here in Santa Fe the past couple of days (in the teens at night). The heat in my apartment is down to conserve money, and I’m wearing 3 (and maybe more soon) layers of clothing to try to keep warm. It isn’t working well enough for someone like me who’d be happiest if the temperature was between 72° and 75° in here. That reminds me of a story, but I’ll tell it another time.

So … money. I want to express my gratitude once again to people who have helped me during my time of financial need. I see the light at the edge of the forest and am headed in that direction, but, for now, I’m still in the dark forest. I’m working a full-time job again and also have several part-time opportunities (not really jobs). By next month I’ll be able to cover most, if not all, of my obligations and begin to pay back the people who have helped. That will be a huge relief.

However, in the meantime, I’m still bobbing in the cold water. I still have some of my March rent owing. I have to give up the car I’ve been using because I couldn’t make payments. I’m out of money for food and gas (not to mention anything else) until I get my paycheck on Saturday. And I’ve reached the limit of my willingness to ask people to help me. So, like Jack, I’m concerned that I may sink before the lifeboat comes.

There is good news, though. I will have a week’s paycheck on Saturday. There are a couple of possibilities for cars that I need to follow up on. And I have all my spiritual helpers, not to mention some human ones, on my side. Maybe I’ll stay afloat after all. No, putting that as a statement of intention: I intend to stay afloat. I AM a survivor. I will find a way somehow.

As for depression …. It’s lifting. I still feel a bit depressed – and more than that occasionally (but really not too bad). What I’m doing about it is working. I’ll tell you what that is as part of another message. I’m not feeling stuck in any significant pits. My only failure to take action comes from resistance rather than depression. So, those of you who are inclined to worry about it, please don’t. I’ll be back to normal, whatever that is, soon.

There you have it. I’m welcoming whoever (whatever) appears at my door and accepting them as messengers from God. I am open to learning about loving and being a powerful co-creator with God. I accept whatever comes as part of that curriculum. Maybe I’ll run out of gas and won’t be able to get to work. Maybe I won’t have a car at all. Maybe I won’t eat anything again until Saturday. Maybe I’ll never have another romantic partner. (Didn’t mention anything about that one, did I?) Maybe all of the things I fear will come to pass. But, if that’s true, then I will learn from it all.

But, whatever comes to my door, I AM a survivor. I AM learning. I AM awakening. I AM loving. I AM loved. I AM becoming all I can be.

And so it is.

Namaste,
Michael

So much, so little

2006-03-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say and way too little time to write it all. I’m investing time in working at several jobs to bring money in, looking for more sources of income, selling some things, replying to friends who e-mail me (and not keeping up on that very well), commenting on other people’s blogs and journals, considering what to do about a car (more about that in another message), doing my inner work, attending church, singing in a church choir, attending my 2 groups (gratitude and CODA), reading (which is really part of my inner work), and taking care of everyday things to do. And then occasionally I get around to also writing my own blogs.

What’s missing? Who notices? I immediately think of 3 things. There may be more.

Anyway, I have so much to write. Here are titles of some messages that I’m working on and haven’t yet finished:
Chemicalizing, part 2
Who are my friends? (This one will eventually be a series. Thomas inspired the idea of the series. The first part, though, is about what friendship really is.)
Addicted to love
Clearing the way (how I’m getting past depression and circumstances)
Money, abundance, and faith
Waves of love (about an insight I had about the connection between ups and downs in life and learning to love)
Dream, dream, dream (inspired by Jana; my dreams for life)
Good boys and real men (childhood messages I heard that limit me)
Invitation to be on the map (literally a map, a networking map)
Leave Santa Fe? (Is it time to move on?)
My foibles (inspired by Jillianne)

And on the average I come up with a couple of new ideas per day.

What will be the order that I post these? I don’t know. Spirit will guide me in that decision. It’s likely that some that aren’t yet on the list will come before some that are already on the list.

Here’s one of my dreams that I’ll mention now. I dream of making money from my writing. I wish I had the luxury of being able to write a lot, knowing that money is flowing in. More about that when I write about my dreams.

So, I wish I could write more frequently, and I envy those of you who write a blog/journal entry nearly every day (or more). I sometimes wonder how you do it.

Namaste,
Michael

Still tired of it

2006-03-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

A lot of people showed interest in my blog a bit over a week ago about being depressed. That just goes to show you. Don’t you think so?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m really a natural actor. And quite a convincing one to boot. I can be feeling depressed and people will tell me how good I’m looking. I can be feeling depressed and still be making jokes at the same time. I can be feeling depressed and still smile at the people I see. An actor. I should be up there tonight winning an Oscar.

Today has largely been a down day. I started out fine, and then I saw Antoinette. She looked really pretty. I felt the urge to go over and sit with her, but I honored her wishes and left her alone. Then I got into fantasies of holding her. And I fell into a pit.

It got worse as I thought about how I don’t have enough money to pay my rent or car payment. If I keep working like I am, I’ll be OK in a couple of weeks. For now, though, I’m still in a financial bind. And so I got more mired in the pit.

And because of being depressed, I’m having difficulty getting my thoughts out into my computer right now. I just keep freezing up. OK, now is one of those times for me to acknowledge that I’m resisting.

In the past couple of days I’ve written to friends about how difficult it is to break free of “comfort” zones and to really change our lives. It can be done, but it takes a lot of awareness, willingness, and doing whatever it takes. The problem with depression is that it undermines my energy to do what it takes to change my comfort zone of being depressed. Catch 22.

But I do know what I need to do. Or at least, some of it. I just have to keep moving ahead with it as best I can.

A number of people have written to me encouraging me to consider anti-depressants and saying they’ve used them and that the meds have helped them overcome depression. I wasn’t clear about why I’m reluctant to use them. I did try Zoloft a number of years ago. I hated it. I went around feeling drugged, and the side effects were a real problem for me. So, I stopped taking it. Maybe a different anti-depressant would work better for me. I don’t know. I’m resisting again.

But, as I said last week, I must do something about it. I keep hoping things will change so that my depression just goes away. I know, though, that I’m looking outside myself for a solution and that the real solution is within. Time get out of denial and to use what I know.

May I have the energy to do that effectively.

Namaste,
Michael

I've been resisting my own good

2006-03-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

At least a couple of years ago I first read a chapter called “The Resistance Syndrome: When Resisting Is More Important Than Loving” in the book Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. I remember at the time feeling rocked by it, experiencing at a deep level that I had found the explanation for why so many things haven’t worked well in my life. I was excited to have discovered what seemed to be a key to my liberation.

I promptly forgot about it.

I guess I wasn’t ready for it yet. Well, the truth is that I was embroiled in a drama in life (my former relationship) that could have been used as an example in the chapter. I was desperately in resistance and wasn’t ready to step out of it. So, I forgot – which, no surprise, is one of the common things people in resistance do.

Lately I’ve been asking God and all my spiritual helpers for awakening regarding becoming liberated and releasing all those patterns that I’ve felt so stuck in – disappointment in relationship, financial lack, under-fulfilled potential, frustration with work, major health issues, never being happy with my home, recurring depression, chronic procrastination, and a general dissatisfaction with my life.

And I’ve been receiving answers. I know I always will when I ask and then pay attention. That’s the way the spiritual world works. God’s representatives – my angels, guides, and teachers – are eager to give me all I need to become liberated, to spiritually awaken, and to have a magnificent life. They can hardly wait for me to listen. They’re ever-present and trying to get through to me all the time in ways too numerous to count.

So, lately I’ve been paying attention. I am ready to change my life. All those spiritual helpers are cheering.

“Read,” I was told. I walked over and opened one of my boxes of books. Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? was right on top. “That one,” they told me. “OK,” I said, not resisting. (See, I knew I could do it.)

It took me a few days to get to the chapter on resistance again. When I did, though, I had the same reaction I had experienced the first time I read it. I knew I had found something important for me. No, not just something important – something crucial.

Here’s a brief explanation of the Resistance Syndrome. I'll write more about it in my coaching blog, The Heart of the Matter (which I’ve been largely ignoring for some time).

Those of us who grew up with controlling and/or engulfing parents (like mine) may make a powerful choice to resist them in some significant way. That choice may then be generalized to anyone or anything we perceive as being controlling or engulfing (and we tend to be exceptionally broad in defining controlling and engulfing). Eventually we go on automatic pilot about that resistance.

The really pernicious part of it is that we are so on auto pilot about it that we even resist the people and things that we know are in our best interests. We even resist the part of ourselves that is trying to change our lives. We even resist God. It feels as if not letting anyone or anything else “win over us” is a life or death matter.

So, for example, when I get into a relationship, I tend to find someone who will try to control me and then resist her. If she isn’t really trying to control, I tend to misperceive her as doing so and resist her. As you might imagine, that detracts more than a little from the potential wonder of the relationship. And, I admit, much to my chagrin, that this is exactly the dynamic I had with A. At this point I honestly can’t tell you for sure whether she was trying to control me or not. All I can say for sure is that it appeared that way to me. It’s possible that it was all my misperception. Maybe I’d think any woman I was in relationship with was trying to control me.

Here’s another example: I’ve been working on prosperity for many years. I’ve taken many classes and workshops. I’ve taken 4T’s something like 8 times and also practically every other prosperity program that has come along. I’ve read nearly every book ever written about prosperity. Nothing has worked to make a significant difference in my prosperity. And there’s some part of me that feels an adolescent glee and pride about none of those things working on me. (Notice “on,” not “for.”) I “won.” I defeated the attempts to change me. And no matter what I do to rid myself of it, I still hold onto a consciousness that prosperity is evil in some way.

Briefly, here are the 6 symptoms Margaret Paul tells us characterize the Resistance Syndrome. She says that most people who are suffering with it will identify with at least 3 of them.

1. Being stuck. No matter what we do, nothing helps to make our lives better.

2. Having had controlling parents.

3. Wanting to change, but not taking consistent meaningful action.

4. Denying our real motivation. Being in denial that avoiding being controlled is more important to us than are love, happiness, success, etc.

5. Resenting the goal, maybe even judging it as unworthy.

6. Getting satisfaction out of others’ frustration with us. Feeling like a rebellious adolescent who is winning the power struggle with his or her parents.

I identify with all 6 of the symptoms. If you’ve been reading my messages for a while, maybe you’ve seen them in what I’ve written. Perhaps I'll write later about each of the areas in which I feel stuck and say more about how the symptoms appear in those parts of my life.

The good news is that there is a way out. Margaret suggests 4 steps for us to disentangle ourselves from the Resistance Syndrome.

1. Notice that resistance is a choice, and notice ourselves making that choice. Don’t try to change it. Just observe it, and then consciously choose to resist (choose what we’re already doing).

2. Notice the consequences of that choice.

3. Make a new choice. Choose to make becoming a loving person more important than whether or not we’re being controlled. Allow ourselves to be controlled, if that’s what has to happen. The irony, she suggests, is that when we give up resisting being controlled, we never actually get controlled.

4. Use Inner Bonding (a fabulous process she teaches) to release false beliefs, to adopt supportive beliefs, and to receive God’s guidance. Then, of course, follow that guidance.

I'm feeling hopeful. And I already have begun observing myself resisting and choosing to resist. I'm on my way.

So, I may become a bit of a pain in the nether parts about noticing anything that seems like control to me and choosing to resist it, even if the people are trying to help. Or, maybe you won’t even know I'm doing it. But, in case you do, I apologize in advance.

Here are some things I notice myself resisting: advice (maybe that should be capitalized since I resist it so much), being told things I already know, patronizing tones of voice (or writing), demands, goals, good ideas, punishment, superior attitudes, manipulation, anger, authority, lectures, force, and being told what to do. As I look back in life, I see so much resistance to some of those things. I suspect there will be more things I resist to add to the list. That gives me a place to start, though.

If any of you happens to want to bypass my resistance, here’s what works as much as anything will:

1. Talk to me as my equal.

2. Tell me about your experience and what works for you instead of telling me what to do (as all 12-steppers know).

3. Ask me if I want feedback or suggestions before you give them to me. This only applies to feedback that I might not like, but to all suggestions. I'll try to remember to explicitly state if I'm open to feedback and suggestions.

4. Assume I already know what you’re going to tell me and say that you’re just reminding me of it.

5. Don’t approach me in anger. Calm down first.

6. …. I'll think of more, I'm sure.

Eventually, when I’ve broken out of the Resistance Syndrome, people won’t need to be so careful with me. For now, though, all you’ll get is resistance if you aren’t careful. (If you’re stuck in the Resistance Syndrome yourself, you’ll probably feel resistant to these things and may want to stick them in my face. There’s one of those frequent dynamics in my relationship with A. I really need to apologize to her for being so in resistance to her.)

Want to know something that I find fascinating and more than a little synchronistic, given that the Resistance Syndrome was such a problem for me in my relationship with A? The second evening I knew A. in person I took her to an evening workshop with Margaret Paul. Months later I took her to another one. But by then she was in her own resistance to it. Do you think my spiritual helpers were telling me something?

OK, I'm wondering if anyone else identifies with this. Surely I'm not the only one. Or, am I?

Namaste,
Michael

On several hands

2006-02-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

When I first thought of writing this, I was only aware of 2 hands. Now, as I write this sentence, I’ve become aware of 3 more. Who knows how many I'll be aware of by the time I finish.

“Hands?” you ask. “What are you talking about?”

You know. On one hand, this is true. On the other hand, that is true. Well, I now have 5 hands. I guess I'm some sort of human octopus. Either that or else I'm borrowing some of your hands. I'm avoiding saying anything about being handy.

And what do I have all these hands about? Antoinette. Or, more accurately, my relationship with Antoinette. Or, even still more accurately, my former relationship with Antoinette.

I shall elaborate. (And it’s grown to 6 hands in the space of these few lines.)

Hand 1: I love Antoinette, and I'm grieving for her and for our relationship. I miss her and all the wonderful things we had together – experiences, eating together, supporting each other through stressful times, rituals, shared “kids,” plans for the future, and so much more. I feel so sad that it didn’t work out as we both hoped it would. We were so thrilled to meet and get involved. I remember how excited I was the day she arrived in Santa Fe when she moved here. I nearly flew over to see her. There are so many special memories. No matter what, I'll always love her – though the form of that love may change.

Hand 2: We’re so different – different values, different backgrounds, different beliefs. We just couldn’t work as a couple. I don’t really want to be back together as a couple because we’ve demonstrated that we can’t live together happily. I just want to be friends.

Hand 3: If we both agreed to go into counseling together and to make genuine efforts to work out solutions without either of us having to give up who we really are or having to lose, I would try it.

(It’s up to 8 hands now.)

Hand 4: Even if we did try that, I can’t imagine how we could ever resolve our differences without one or both of us sacrificing what’s important to us about ourselves. We are SO different.

Hand 5: I hate not having a romantic partner, and I'm very lonely. She was a woman who paid attention to me, who wanted to be with me, who cared about me, who shared wonderful experiences with me. How many women are there in the world who I might be able to say those things about? How can I let her go?

(Up to 9 hands.)

Hand 6: I know that I need to heal my hate for being alone before I'm really ready for the right relationship for me.

(10 hands.)

Hand 7: I'm angry at her for some of the things she said and did. No, I won’t elaborate.

Hand 8: I know that she was right about some of the things she said. I do have some things to work out before I'm ready for that right relationship.

(11 hands.)

Hand 9: I believed that our relationship was spiritually right, spiritually destined. I think we both believed that at one time. Maybe it was. Maybe it still is.

Hand 10: Maybe we’ve completed what we were supposed to do and to learn together. Maybe the spiritual appropriateness of our relationship once was, but has ended. Maybe there’s some good reason for us not to be together any longer. Maybe there’s a lot for me to learn. Maybe there’s someone else I'm supposed to connect with. Maybe the same is true for her.

Hand 11: Antoinette contributed so much to me that I am enormously grateful for. How can I not have the chance to give back?

And parts of me espouse all 11 of those hands. And, what’s more, I hold them all at once. For example, I want to be back with her and don’t want to be back with her and just want us to be friends all simultaneously. What doesn’t waver at all is that I still want her in my life in some way.

I'm not very good at leaving relationships. Can you tell? It tears my heart up. I miss her so much. I don’t even like to see other people break up. I’ve been known to grieve for other people’s lost relationships sometimes.

What does my guidance say? What’s really spiritually right? More about that later.

Namaste,
Michael

Tired of it

2006-02-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of it. Or, maybe, it's tiring me out. Or, maybe, being tired is causing it (at least in part).

I've written recently about being depressed. If you've been reading these messages, you probably remember. I have to do something about it. Enough. I'm tired of it.

Most of the time it's "just" an underlying foundation of feeling a little down, a little gray. I don't feel the joy in living that I aspire to. Oh, occasionally I have some highs, but they're situational and don't last long. It's usually hard for me to imagine that most other people don't feel a little down most of the time, too.

But, every once in awhile, I fall into a pit. Then I feel really depressed. I have trouble sleeping when I want to (usually waking up about 4 in the morning and not being able to fall back asleep). Consequently, I feel tired all the time and tend to want to sleep when it isn't appropriate. I lack energy and can't motivate myself to do anything of value – anything I know I need to do. I feel lots of fear and just want to hide out from anything that might be at all stressful. When I can summon the energy, I try to climb out of the pit, but keep slipping and falling back in. I keep thinking (oddly enough to me), "I want to go home." What's that all about? I don't know what I mean by home. It just arises from somewhere deep within. And I keep on keeping on until somehow I finally find my way out of the pit – usually seemingly magically and apparently not as a result of anything I've done intentionally.

How long does it last? Sometimes hours. Sometimes days. Sometimes weeks. So far, for me, never longer than that. Then, pop! Somehow I'm out of the pit and back to a better place for hours or days or weeks or months or even years. Sometimes I go to sleep in the pit and wake up out of it. Sometimes it just happens in the middle of the day, for no apparent reason.

Same with becoming more deeply depressed. "Falling in a pit" is an apt description because it usually just happens suddenly, just like falling into a pit. Just as one example, I was at a meeting last week, and for the first few minutes of the meeting I was fine. Then, all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, I fell, and I was really down for the rest of the evening.

What sets it off? God, I wish I knew. If I knew, then maybe there would be something I could do about it. I know there are certain conditions that seem to be related to it. I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when it's dark a lot. I know that I have problems with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). That's one of the reasons I left Seattle – way too much dark in the winters – and moved to Santa Fe where we have 300 days of sunshine every year. And I know that I felt depressed for a few weeks around Christmas this year – the darkest time of the year here in the northern hemisphere. On the other hand, I dropped into the pit this afternoon in the middle of the day, and I don't fall every evening. So, that isn't the only answer.

I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when I'm grieving for a lost relationship. This is a big one for me, but, again, not the only answer. And I've been known to grieve for years for a short relationship. It doesn't follow any of those stock guidelines I've heard, like grieving a year for every 2 years I was in the relationship. I have no idea how long I'll grieve for my relationship with A. All I know is that I am now. So, yes, this is part of it. I miss all the wonderful parts of our time together, and I feel really lonely. I'm going to write an entire message about this soon – about all the different positions I have about the relationship that was.

I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when I'm seriously ill – as I have been off and on for the past 6 years. Hopefully, now that I'm feeling fine and have good medical results, this won't be a contributing factor any longer – though it certainly has been.

I've gotten more deeply depressed more often when I've been low on money and feeling fearful about it. This one, at least, has an obvious solution. The problem is that when I'm in the pit, I have a very difficult time doing what I need to do to make money.

As I write this, I notice that all 4 of those conditions have been true for me in the recent past months. That helps make some sense of it, though not about why I'm not deeply depressed some of the time when all of the conditions are true. God, maybe I should be even more depressed than I am! Maybe I'm really demonstrating that I'm a survivor.

I wish people could understand, and I know that people who've never been depressed don't seem to be able to, no matter what anyone tells them. Those who have been depressed, though, don't need to be told. They know from experience.

Depression isn't a new thing for me. I've been mildly depressed a lot of the time, punctuated by occasional deeper depression, falling into the pit, as far back as I can remember – and I can remember back to when I was a small child. In reply to my father's simplistic urging for me to "just laugh and be happy," I remember saying as a kid, "What's there to be happy about?"

And, of course, as I said, there have been those times when there has been something to be happy about – for example, a new relationship, an accomplishment, or a pleasurable experience. So, then I've been briefly happy. But rarely have I woken up in the morning with the feeling of "thank you God for most this amazing day" (e. e. cummings – one of my favorite poems).

I did experience that in 1997 for a little over 6 weeks. I recall it vividly. It contributed to my moving to Santa Fe. Some of you may remember if you've been reading my messages for that long or if you went back and read past messages. I took a long trip through the southwest – mostly to New Mexico – while I was still living in the Seattle area, a trip that I called "more a vision quest than a vacation." During that time, I felt joy a lot of the time, with only short periods of feeling low. It was magnificent. It's the way I wish I could feel usually. Reviewing it in my memory, some of the happiness rises in me. Every day felt like an "amazing day."

And there were the times when I was in the throes of a new relationship. For example, the 11 days I spent with A. when she first visited Santa Fe, before she returned to Maui, were joy from beginning to end, no matter what happened. In fact, whatever happened, no matter how problematical, just seemed to contribute more to the love and to the joy. It was because of our coming through a couple of real difficult experiences together and my feeling A's caring and emotional support that I first knew for certain that I was in love with her. What magnificent memories!

Those are examples of what I wish life could be for me all of the time – happiness no matter what, with rare, brief dips into feeling low. I know it's possible. Other people feel that way most of the time. Why not me?

What's wrong with me? Why am I cursed with this damned depression? It feels shameful to me. Of course, I know the theories. Maybe it's genetic. Maybe it's learned. Maybe it's my consciousness. Maybe it's some biochemical aberration. All something wrong with me, though. Shame-worthy. How can I expect anyone to respect me? How can I expect anyone to admire my work? How can I expect any woman I'd want to be with to want to be with me (at least for long)? I have to find a solution.

The fact is that I do have a family history of depression. I think everyone in my family was depressed when I was young. So, it could be genetic, or it could be learned.

I just have to keep doing my work about it. I don't like the medical solutions – anti-depressants – very much, but I'm almost at a point of being willing to try them.

I must do something.

Well, now more than ever, I need to remember Claire. "We are intrepid. We carry on." Indeed.

Namaste,
Michael

More job developments

2006-02-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

I think things must be turning around for me.

I got a long-term temp job through Group Powell One starting tomorrow (Friday) morning. It's full-time for as long as it lasts – probably until some project is completed, but for a while. I'll be doing typing, data entry, and some filing. That sounds OK, and it will be fantastic to have a steady income again.

Then Careers First called already and had a job for me. But, of course, I had to turn it down. It sounded like a good job, too, but it was only for a week to 10 days. I am impressed with how quickly they found something for me, though.

And there's the job that I was going to go back to through Excel Staffing, though it was delayed for a week or so. Now I need to tell them I'm busy. That's what happens when a company puts off work, though.

We are intrepid. We carry on.

Namaste,
Michael

We did it!

2006-02-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

I join Barbara in expressing my enormous heartfelt thank you for all of your prayers, treatments, and positive thoughts. Her message is below.

We are miracle workers!!!!!!

Gratefully,
Michael

------------

We did it! : )

I AM cancer FREE - ALL CLEAR!!!!

We saw Dr. Wood yesterday and the pathology report is all GOOD. He was able to get everything and the margins are negative. He said my case had gone before the "Tumor Board" and all agreed no further treatment would make the "all clear" any clearer - so from here out it's just check ups.

We did it! We did what they said couldn't be done!

Radiation wasn't an option. Chemotherapy wasn't working. They said all along it was inoperable.

We prayed our way right through it, not taking "no" for an answer!

And here we are, on the other, glorious side! Oh my! I say to each of you, as I said to Dr. Wood yesterday, how do I thank you?? You showered me with the most powerful energy there is - your prayers - and didn't let up. I am forever grateful, humbled, and moved beyond measure.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! My heart beats because of you. KNOW your power, use it, trust it, never forget it.

You are beautiful. Always always remember that.

I love you so very much,

Barbara

Job developments

2006-02-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

I‘ve had more go on in the past 4 days about jobs than most people experience with jobs in 4 years. So, here is my update on my Saturday update, specifically and uniquely about work, and in approximately the order that things happened:

I was offered my first in-home tutor jobs by the business that hired me for that. There were actually quite a few students. Unfortunately, they were all in Jemez Valley and Española, both of which are very lengthy drives just to do an hour of tutoring. I told her that I’d consider it if she could arrange several students for each trip. I haven’t heard any more.

On Sunday there was an ad in the classifieds looking for a concierge at La Posada de Santa Fe (one of the well-known hotels here – the one that’s famous for its ghost). I’ve been thinking about a job as a concierge for a long time, and I’ve applied for a couple of them before this. That’s what Antoinette does at another hotel, and she got me thinking about it at least a year ago. It’s a good job with lots of great benefits, and it looks like fun to me. I have no hotel experience, though, and they’ve seemed to want that when I’ve applied for other concierge jobs. But, we shall see. I got the application on Monday, completed it, and turned it in on Tuesday.

As the result of some feedback from several of you and also the intuition that was speaking to me, I decided not to take a job at Sylvan Learning Center. It just isn’t right for me. They cooperated by not calling me on Monday like the woman assured me they would.

A friend who is a teacher encouraged me to advertise myself as a private tutor. She said there’s a need for them and that I could get $50 per hour doing it. I'm investigating. I have another friend who does exactly that. I want to talk with her and get her perspective on it.

On Tuesday the guy in charge of the training for guides at El Rancho de las Golondrinas called me. That’s the one I said I thought I had missed out on. Well, I'm starting the training on Saturday. I missed a couple of the sessions, but he said I can do it anyway. It’s a lot like acting. Not only will I lead the tours, but I’ll also dress up in period clothing while I'm doing it. It isn’t a huge money-maker, but it sounds like fun.

My teacher friend got me thinking again about teaching as a career. What I really want to do is teach AVID (college preparation) and advance placement classes. So, I went out to Santa Fe Community College on Tuesday to get information. It turns out that there’s a provisional teaching license that I can get as soon as I start the program, and I could start a regular teaching job with that. I could teach anywhere – Santa Fe, Los Alamos, a private school. I’ve heard that male teachers are particularly in demand. And, they told me, if I act quickly and get my application in, I might be able to begin my first class in late March. I took the application.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I also called to follow up on sending my resume in to the fourth temp employment agency – Careers First. Today I had an interview with them. They, as all the other temp agencies have, loved me. They were thrilled that I type 50 words per minute with only 1 error (in a minute) and that I scored exceptionally high in being able to use MS Word. So, maybe they’ll have something for me. I liked the woman who interviewed me a lot, and I liked their philosophy a lot, too. She encouraged me to turn down any job I didn’t really want to do and said they’d keep calling me for any job I'm qualified for anyway. She said they want me to be happy doing whatever jobs I take because that is the image they want.

Then I got on the computer and signed up for my first secret shopping job. I can’t tell you anything about it because they don’t want me to compromise the secrecy in any way. And I am good about confidentiality if I see a reason for it. Unfortunately, I was going to take another job, too, but by the time I completed the qualifying test for it, someone else evidently had taken it. At least it was gone from the list.

And then I got a phone message from one of the people at another temp agency – Group Powell One. She said they have a long-term temp job for me. I left a message for her and will call first thing in the morning. Hopefully they won’t have already given it to someone else. I have faith that if it’s really for me, it will still be available when I call.

There you have it. Lots happening.

As Claire said, “We are intrepid. We carry on.”

Namaste,
Michael

Chemicalizing

2006-02-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

Things come to us at exactly the right time – when we need them, when we’re ready for them, when they’re useful to us. Have you ever noticed? Well, it doesn’t really matter whether you have or not. Or whether you believe it or not. This is about me. And it’s true for me. So, I'll restate it. My observation is that things come to me at exactly the right time.

I was beginning to think that my life is really screwed up, that I’ve really blown it. Of course, I had some help with that interpretation. Let’s say that a few people have encouraged me in that notion.

Then, for some reason – who knows exactly what it was – I began reading a book (The Survivor Personality) that got me thinking about things differently. I started opening up to a new interpretation. Then, finally, yesterday a friend came to me and asked if I had ever heard of chemicalization. It seems that she’s in a group at Unity Santa Fe that’s studying H. Emilie Cady’s Lessons in Truth. I'm guessing they just covered the chapter about chemicalization. Synchronicity. Like I said, things happen at exactly the right time.

Yes, of course I’ve heard of chemicalization. I first heard of it at least 20 years ago. I’ve read Lessons in Truth twice and the chapter on chemicalization more times than that. I love the idea of chemicalization. I’ve experienced it. I’ve observed it. And, nevertheless, I hadn't thought of it recently. I certainly hadn't thought of it in relation to my own life any time recently.

But, you know, chemicalization certainly is a reasonable explanation for what’s been going on with me.

So I checked it out with my spiritual guidance. And sure enough, my guidance says that I'm in the process of chemicalizing.

And some of you who are reading are saying to yourselves, “Is he ever going to tell us what chemicalization is?” Yes, I am.

Chemicalization is a process that happens when we decide to change our consciousness and our lives. We begin to input new, more positive ideas, more positive behaviors, more positive intentions, and what do we get? We get hit in the face and in the nether parts with crap. Everything that could possibly go wrong does. It looks like our life has fallen apart. But, if we keep inputting the new ideas and behaviors and intentions … eventually the crap clears out, and we’ve transformed our consciousness and our lives.

Some spiritual traditions call the process “purification.”

Cady compared it to having a bucket of muddy water and wanting to have a bucket of clean water. So we take a hose and begin to run clean water into the bucket. What happens? All the mud that had sunk to the bottom of the bucket is stirred up and rises to the top. And muddy water begins to spill over the edges of the bucket. But, if we keep running clean water into the bucket … eventually we end up with a bucket full of clean water.

Well, I’ve been clearing out a really huge bucket of incredibly muddy water – a bucket I had filled up with mud a very long time ago. Or, more accurately, a bucket that was filled with mud a very long time ago by life and family and experience.

And I’ve been pouring in a lot of clear water, a lot of new ideas, new behaviors, new intentions.

And I’ve been getting a lot of mud rising to the top.

Chemicalizing.

I'll write more about this tomorrow (or whenever I write again). I'll talk more specifically about my life and how chemicalization has been working.

For now, though, I want to finish with some lines from a DVD I “happen” to be watching while I write this. It’s really synchronicity that I chose to rent “Elizabethtown” today. I had no idea what to expect, and I got something perfect.

Claire (played by Kirsten Dunst) says to Drew (played by Orlando Bloom), who is embroiled in drama about a business failure, “So, you failed…. All right, you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You…. You think I care about that? I do understand. You’re an artist, man. Your job is to break through barriers, not accept blame and bow and say, ‘Thank you, I'm a loser. I'll go away now. Oh, Phil’s mean to me. Wah, wah, wah.’ So what? You want to be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling. That’s true greatness to me. But, don’t listen to me; I'm a Claire.”

And she says, early in the movie, before we know much about what she is to become in the movie, “We are intrepid. We carry on.” That foreshadows who she is in the story.

Thank you, Claire. We are intrepid. We carry on.

Namaste,
Michael

The docs said ...

2006-02-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your prayers, treatments, and positive thoughts for my healing and health. I know without a doubt that they have made a huge difference, and I now have evidence of that.

I saw both of my medical specialists today – my neurologist and my urologist. Here’s what they said:

The neurologist said that apparently my TN is “episodic” and that some people go many years between episodes. So, I'm expecting the next episode in about 107 years. (In case I live that long, I'm joking, God. I accept that I am totally healed.) He also said that I can stop taking the Neurontin as long as I don’t have pain, and I don’t need to schedule another appointment with him as long as everything is going well.

The urologist said that my PSA is down to 5. That’s incredibly good news! The lowest my PSA has ever been since I first had it done 10 years ago (prior to this) was 14, and it was up to 22 last time. So, that, combined with how much my prostate has shrunk, is amazing. He also said I don’t need to schedule another appointment with him as long as things continue to go well.

I'm celebrating! My health is improving dramatically.

Thank you again to all of you who have contributed prayers, treatments, and positive thoughts for my healing and health. You are miracle workers.

Namaste,
Michael

Another update

2006-02-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

Some of you have been asking about me again, so I'll overcome my inertia and tell you a little about what’s up.

As always, I want to start by extending my enormous gratitude to everyone who has helped me in any way – with money, prayers, or communicating your concern. You all know who you are, and you can be sure that I will remember.

My best news is that I am still experiencing NO PAIN (at least physical pain). I'm holding it that I’m permanently free of TN. A friend made a good point a couple of days ago. I’ve stopped calling it a remission. “Remission” makes it sound like it will be coming back soon. I am free of the pain of TN. Thank You, God.

The mixed new is about money. Enough has come in that I’ve caught up with my rent and have paid some of my other expenses. On the other hand, I still have loan payments, car payments, and medical expenses outstanding, and unless something changes, I won’t have all of the money for my rent again at the first of March. As I take some deep breaths, I'm imagining money flowing to me and through me from every direction. I'm eager to get to a place with money that I can contribute to other people instead of being short on what I need for my expenses.

I’ve sold a few of the things I had to sell, and that has helped. I'm returning calls and e-mails this weekend to more people who have expressed interest in things. Still available: computer, printer, TV, fax machine, carved wooden box, tent, and floor fan.

The bad news, however, is that I dropped into a deeper depression again for a while. Valentine’s Day combined with grieving about Antoinette seems to have been what set it off. It got worse the closer it came to V-Day and has begun lightening up some since then. That, I think, is my next thing to face. I have to do something about getting so depressed occasionally that I can’t motivate myself to do anything of value. It feels like being in a deep hole and trying to climb out, but slipping and falling back in … until somehow I finally find my way out.

The temp job I was doing ended Thursday 9 days ago. No other temp jobs came along, so I finally took a substitute teaching job again – this one with 8th graders. I hated it. How many times do I need to keep repeating this to get it? Doing short-term subbing in the Santa Fe public schools with kids who don’t care, won’t listen, and don’t want to learn anything is not for me.

The company I was temping for liked me, though, and wants me back at the end of the month for about another 3 weeks. It’s far less stress for $11 per day more than substituting in the SF schools. Does that make sense to anyone? Why are substitute teachers paid so incredibly little for such a stressful job?

I’ve also been lining up other part-time jobs:

1. I'm still looking for acting jobs.

2. I’ve gotten my credentials in order to be able to perform weddings. I officiated for a lot of weddings in the past. It’s just a matter now of publicizing my availability in a way that attracts people who want to get married (or to do commitment ceremonies – either straight or gay).

3. I’ve been hired by a company to do secret shopping. I'll go into businesses and either ask for information or buy something (or both) and then report on all kinds of things – service, cleanliness, etc. It isn’t a huge money-maker, but I may be able to make about $100 per month for not a lot of work.

4. I’ve been hired as an in-home tutor by a national company. They’re building their business in Santa Fe, and there will probably be more students by next fall than there are now. We’ll see. I'll like this more than subbing for the Santa Fe schools because I'll be working with kids who are motivated – or else I can report that they aren’t and stop working with them. I'll make somewhere between $17.50 and $25 per hour for working with each student.

5. I’ve been hired as a substitute teacher by the Los Alamos schools. They’re 40 minutes away, but a friend who subs there says the atmosphere is totally different than in the Santa Fe schools. He says the kids aren’t so resistant and there isn’t any chaos management to do. So, I'll try it.

6. I'm reapplying to substitute teach with a couple of private schools in Santa Fe. It looked like there were some possibilities last fall, but then I got the 3-month long-term assignment I had up to Thanksgiving and couldn’t take anything else.

7. I applied with Sylvan Learning Center to teach for them. I don’t know if I'll do it, though. They only pay $9.50 per hour to work with 3 kids at a time, and they require that I sign an agreement not to do any private tutoring. I'm letting the idea simmer this weekend before I decide for sure.

8. I’ve applied to work through a 4th temporary agency. So far the other 3 haven’t been able to keep me busy, so I'll add another one.

9. I'm starting a business selling pre-paid legal plans and identity theft protection. I have no idea yet how lucrative that might be for me, but they sound like great plans.

10. I'm disappointed to have missed out on one that I would have loved to have. I heard just a little too late about the possibility of being hired as a tour guide for groups (for example, school groups) at Las Golondrinas (a historical site that’s an old New Mexican hacienda).

11. I’ve gotten information about taking training to get a license as a real estate agent. It’s something I’ve thought about for a long time, and real estate is a booming business in Santa Fe.

12. I'm still working on preparing to do my other services and businesses that I’ve written about before.

13. And I'm staying open to any other interesting possibilities that may appear. I check the job ads regularly and keep my ears and eyes open.

So, there it is. On the whole, things are a lot better than they were a month ago. I'm beginning to see some light at the edge of the very dark place I’ve been mired in. I can still use some help getting there, though. If all goes as expected, I'll be free of the worst of my problems by a month from now. As always, anyone who feels called to help will be hugely appreciated, and I appreciate prayers if nothing else.

I WILL survive. I WILL thrive. And I WILL get to a place soon where I can contribute to other people and help others who need it.

Blessings to you all,
Michael

Happy Valentine's Day!

2006-02-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Valentine’s Day, and I love you to:

All the women I’ve ever loved romantically – there is a place in my heart still for all of you,

Antoinette, in particular, wishing we had been more compatible,

The woman of my dreams, whoever you are, wherever you are,

All of my family,

All of my friends,

All of the people who would be my friends if we knew each other,

All of humankind.

The last thing Meredith said at the end of a very powerful 2-part episode of Grey’s Anatomy this past Sunday was, “If you knew this was the last day of your life, what would you want to do?”

I ask you the same thing. If you knew this was the last day of your life, what would you want to do?

If I knew this was the last day of my life, I’d want to spend it sharing love. I’d want to tell the people who matter to me how much they’ve meant to me and to hear from them whatever they want to say to me.

To all of you: I hope this day is wonderful for you and that your life is overflowing with love, peace, joy, health, abundance, and fulfillment.

Love,
Michael

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Antoinette

2006-02-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

I saw Antoinette today for the first time (at least close enough to talk with) since … when was it? I think it was early November. I saw her from a distance a couple of times, but that isn’t what I'm talking about. I had something I needed to deliver to her, so I called and asked how she wanted me to do that. She suggested that I come by the Eldorado Hotel (where she works, in case you don’t recall – or haven’t ever read) this afternoon.

I was surprised that she seemed to want to talk, even though she was at work. So, I stayed for probably half an hour (punctuated occasionally with her stopping to talk with hotel guests).

It was surprisingly emotional for me. I realized that I really miss hearing about what’s going on in her life and all her stories about people and events. I found out that an old (both long-term and aged) friend of hers – who I had never met, but almost felt like I knew – had died in mid-December. I felt pretty sad about that for a while.

And, in the end, what I was left with was admitting to myself that I still really love her and wish it could have worked out with us. I miss her a lot.

It’s all so confusing to me. It doesn’t seem right that I could love someone and be incompatible with her – that I can love Antoinette and be incompatible with her. But, of course, that’s been true so many times before in my love life. Why? (That’s a rhetorical question; I'm not asking you to answer.) I'm sure that somehow it’s a spiritual gift. I wonder if I'll ever understand.

And more than that, I wonder if I'll ever love someone and also be compatible with her. I love easily. That isn’t the difficult part for me. But will I ever be compatible with someone? Or am I just too unconventional?

Namaste,
Michael

Alisa Camplin

2006-02-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

Notice to my Aussie friends (and to the rest of you, too): I love Alisa Camplin.

I was enormously inspired and touched by her performance and personality 4 years ago at the 2002 Winter Olympics. And then last night I was thrilled to see her again already, carrying the Aussie flag in the parade of athletes during the opening ceremonies. She was smiling and waving the flag, reminding me of 2002 and looking absolutely adorable.

Here’s something I said in my blog/journal 4 years ago, somewhat paraphrasing the Olympic website story about her and commenting about how she inspired me:

“Aussie Alisa Camplin had never won any significant international event, and without snow in sunny Australia, she trains for the women's freestyle skiing aerials in a leech-infested lake. But Camplin nailed both of her triple twisting, double back flips, and the Olympic Winter Games had one of its most surprising gold medallists ever.”

She, like so many people who inspire me, would not be stopped. She flew in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds and came out a winner.

It wasn’t so much that she won the gold medal, but that certainly added something to the story. It still would have been a remarkably inspiring story for me if she had come in 5th place – or 15th. But she did win gold. Despite everything, she beat the other women who had all the advantages, who had everything going for them.

I thoroughly love overcoming stories.

So, I'm eager to see what Alisa does this year. I don’t care if she wins a medal or not. All I care is that she shows up, competes, and radiates that incredible smile. That’s enough for her to be a winner in my book.

But it would be a special treat if she won a medal, too.

Namaste,
Michael

How I'm doing

2006-02-05T19:01:00.000-07:00

Here’s a quick update on how things are going.

First, thank you to everyone who has helped in any way – with money, prayers, or communicating your concern.

I'm in remission from my TN. That means I haven’t had any pain during the past week. Consequently, I’ve been working (a temp job that isn’t anything to speak of except that I made more than I would have substitute teaching– so I won’t say more than this). That will help some, but not nearly enough.

However, I began to have symptoms of something about Thursday – a cold or some kind of flu. Today (Sunday) afternoon has been the worst of it. I'm scheduled to work again tomorrow (same nothing to speak of temp job), so I will not get any worse.

Some money has come in. The good news is that I’ve been able to pay one month of my rent, my phone bill, and my internet payment, and I’ve gotten a little gas and food.

On the other hand, I still have half a month’s rent overdue, a car payment that must be paid soon, $300 in loan payments that must be paid in the next couple of weeks, and a medical test that I have to have within the next couple of weeks. I haven’t been able to buy my medications, but since I'm in remission, it doesn’t feel as urgent as it would otherwise. And, of course, food and gas are an ongoing issue.

I still have some things to sell, but circumstances have interfered with doing that. Hopefully I'll be able to connect with people who have shown interest in those things soon.

That’s enough for now. Anyone who feels called to help knows what to do. As always, I appreciate prayers if nothing else.

Love and light to you all,
Michael

Pray for me, please

2006-01-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

From my other message, you know the situation. I’d be honored if you would pray for me – for an immediate windfall of money, for ongoing prosperity, and for physical healing and health. Here’s one I’ve created for myself. Feel free to adapt it and use it, too, if you’d like.

I know that God is everywhere present and that God is working through me now. I know without a doubt that God is aware of my need and is hearing my prayers. I know that God is acting now, inspiring me and inspiring those who are meant to help me. I know that money is flowing into my life from every direction, that I am in a constant enormous flow of money, that I am a powerful magnet for money, and that I am opening myself to it now and accepting it graciously and gratefully as it comes. I know that I am a conduit for that money to make a huge difference not only for myself, but for many other people, as I use what I receive to benefit others. I know that every cell, nerve, tissue, and organ of my body is healed and whole. I know that I am ready and able to do the work I am here to do and to make an enormous difference in the lives of other people and in the world. I am grateful that all of this is so. And so it is. Amen.

Thank you everyone for your prayers.

Michael Dickerson Deluno

Will you help?

2006-01-28T17:26:00.000-07:00

As a result of my 14 months of having a neurological condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia (reputed to be the most painful affliction known to medicine), I'm in a huge financial bind. I need over $1000 immediately and more than that soon. I'll be making money before long, so this isn’t a long-term need. But it is a real, desperate, immediate short-term need.

Here’s how you can help, if you’re willing:

1. Donate $1 to me. That’s all I'm asking for - $1. By about Feb. 1 you’ll be able to do that via PayPal. In the meantime, you can send it to Michael Dickerson, P.O. Box 33091, Santa Fe, NM 87594. (In reply to a couple of questions, yes, of course you can contribute more, but, please, only if you’d really like to.)

2. Buy any of the things I have for sale – a carved wooden box, a desktop computer, a printer, a DVD player, a stereo, a TV, a VCR, a fax machine, a 3-person tent, a floor fan, and a filing cabinet. See http://forsaleinsantafe.blogspot.com for further information. If you don’t really want the items, I'll buy them back from you when I have more money.

3. Loan me some amount of money that feels comfortable to you. I'll give a good interest rate (12%) and will begin repaying it within a couple of months.

4. Invest in one of my businesses. More information coming soon. Contact me if you’d like more now.

5. Use my services or purchase them in advance for use later or to give to someone else as a gift. More information coming soon. Contact me if you’d like more now.

6. Purchase pre-paid legal services and/or identity theft protection through me. Does health insurance seem like a good idea to you? If so, then this will probably make sense to you, too. Call 512-404-2330 and press #2 for a quick overview. If it sounds like something you are or might be interested in, call me at 505-473-0952 or e-mail me at pplitp@gmail.com.

7. Pray for me. If nothing else, I’d appreciate your prayers.

If you’d like more information, you can find it at http://willyouhelp.blogspot.com. There you’ll find information about:

What I need money for
Why I'm in crisis
Who I am
My long-term plans to stay out of future crisis
How I’ve helped others
My promise to anyone who helps me
My plans to create a site to help others who need it

Thank you for your interest, concern, and willingness to help me.

Michael Dickerson Deluno

Barbara update

2006-01-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

I talked with Barbara’s husband Doug, and here’s what I learned:

The surgery was apparently a success. Dr. Wood said it was even more complicated than he expected. Somehow the aorta was involved, so he had to cut some of it out and then patch it back up. He took the entire lobe of the lung, which is standard. Dr. Wood also said it was one of the most difficult surgeries he’s ever done.

Barbara was in ICU after the surgery, but was scheduled to be moved to a regular room today (Thursday). Doug said she hasn’t wanted to see anyone, that she’s just focused on her healing and pain management.

The pathology report will show whether they got all of the cancer. I don’t know when it will be released.

So, things are looking good, but please keep praying. We need a good pathology report, quick and easy healing, and a rapid return to her normal life.

It’s premature, I know, and I'm thinking that Barbara (along with all of us who contributed prayer, positive thoughts, healing energy, etc.) has pulled off another healing miracle.

Thank you enormously to all of you who’ve helped in any way. Together we create miracles. Let’s keep it up.

And I’d like to urge you to send out a prayer or thought or message of thanks to Dr. Wood, thoracic surgeon at University of Washington Hospital in Seattle. He deserves it.

Namaste,
Michael

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Update about Barbara's surgery

2006-01-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all of you who have been contributing your prayers, treatments, positive intentions, visualizations, healing energy, and/or positive thoughts about my friend Barbara Gentlemoon, her surgeon, and all medical personnel involved in her treatment.

Barbara’s surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, January 24th. It will last at least 5 hours. Reminding you … it is high-risk surgery because the tumor is very near her aorta and because the major vein and artery for her left arm and one of the nerves to her vocal chords are involved.

Also reminding you … If you’d like to post a prayer on a Beliefnet Prayer Circle that I’ve created for Barbara, go to http://www.Beliefnet.com/rd.asp?milestoneTypeID=6&q=74322. I know that she looks at it; she’s told me so. And she’s excited and grateful for the number of people who have sent or posted prayers – many of whom she doesn’t even know.

Here’s a small part of Barbara’s most recent e-mail:

“Just this week we were told that my latest brain scan and PET scan are all clear. The cancer hasn't spread! Woo-hoo! That cleared me for surgery. Yesterday we met with the surgeon and his staff at UW in Seattle.

“I am so eager to get on with this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“My surgeon is absolutely the most awesome person - immediately upon meeting him you'd just instinctively trust him with your life (which I'm doing....). This is his specialty - and absolutely everyone says he's the best. I believe so.

“I am SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Please keep your prayers coming.... they're working... we're on the home stretch now!!

“And thank you forever and ever for riding this one out with me. Your Being in my life matters more than you will ever know.

“Love (HUGE),

“Barbara”

I have faith that through the power of God and the power of all the prayers, intentions, and visualizations of the hundreds (maybe thousands) of people who are supporting Barbara, all will be well and that the perfect outcome will be made manifest. I see Barbara healthy, happy, loving, enthusiastic, and free (as she usually is), totally free of all dis-ease in her body and mind. The light of God surrounds her. The love of God enfolds her. The power of God protects her. The presence of God watches over her. Wherever Barbara is, God is, and all is well. And so it is. Amen.

I add my love and gratitude to hers.

Michael Dickerson Deluno

The neurologist says

2006-01-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

OK, here’s the report. The neurologist is going to go over my MRIs more carefully with another doctor, and on first look, there’s no reason for me to think I might have a tumor or M.S. Apparently I do have Trigeminal Neuralgia. He said the symptoms I reported are the common ones. He and his colleague are going to try to find where it is in my brain when they look at the MRI films.

He was very positive about it and thinks we can take care of it. I like that about him. We’re going to see if the meds will take continue to prevent the pain. If not, and if my life continues to be as disrupted by the TN as it has been, he recommends Gamma Knife Surgery. That’s a process using a laser of radiation to do some kind of brain surgery to solve the problem. It’s also the procedure that Antoinette found mentioned in the newspaper. She cut out the ad and gave it to me. His opinion is that the other type of surgery (MVD) is out of date.

I also discussed side effects of Neurontin with him. The depression is lifting, and my feet aren’t as swollen as they were a couple of weeks ago. So, he isn’t concerned about them at this point (nor am I).

He prescribed more Neurontin for me, and I made another appointment for a month from now. We’ll see how things are then.

So, none of the possibilities I was concerned about appears to be true, and I seem to be going into another period of quiescence with the TN like I did during this past summer.

I choose to imagine the best for the future.

Namaste,
Michael

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How to raise money

2006-01-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

As I wait to learn the results of my MRI, I need your help solving a problem. I have faith that many people focusing at least a little attention on this will make a difference.

I'm in a financial crisis. Because of my ill health I was only able to work about half of the past 14 months. I have no medical or dental insurance and put a significant portion of what I made into medical, dental, and medication expenses.

I need to raise about $1000 to cover immediate expenses. Among them is that my rent for January is late.

So, the problem is … how can I do that? Do you have any ideas for me of how I can raise $1000 ASAP? Consider this a brainstorming exercise. That means that all suggestions are acceptable, and I won’t use all of them. But now isn’t the time to talk about how I got into this situation or what to do about it long run. For right now I just need suggestions for the immediate problem. I'll listen to the other stuff later.

Here’s what I'm already doing: I'm already praying and using the Law of Attraction. I'm preparing to sell anything of value that I can live without. (I'll post it all online at http://forsaleinsantafe.blogspot.com if you’d like to take a look. It will take me some time to get it all posted.) I’ve already cut as many expenses as I possibly can. I'm preparing to offer special offers on my work for anyone who will pay for it in advance. (That will also be posted online – sites to be announced.)

Here’s what I know isn’t an option: I can’t get bank or other financial institution loans. Unpaid medical expenses have ruined my credit, and I have nothing to use for collateral.

I know that everything will be OK longer term. I’ve already begun working on plans for getting my real work going much more than before. I’ve been going to casting calls for movies. And I'm also applying to substitute teach in a different school district that pays more than the Santa Fe Public Schools do. As a back-up, I’ve also requested the forms to apply for disability if my trigeminal neuralgia continues to prevent me from working.

I have absolute faith that the right and perfect solution to this difficulty will appear somehow in some way for the highest benefit of everyone concerned. I accept it, and I allow it in. I feel the flow of all abundance coming to me from every direction.

Namaste,
Michael

Ask me anything!

2006-01-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

What would you like to know about me?

I'm inviting you to ask me any 5 (or fewer) questions about myself, no matter how personal, impersonal, revealing, obvious, profound, or trivial, and I guarantee you that I'll answer them truthfully. If I'm willing to post the answers for everyone to see, I will. If not, I'll send the answers to you personally.

Please restrict the questions to things about me – facts about me or my opinions. Please no questions like “what is quantum physics?” or “who was the 14th President?” Those aren’t about me. Also, I won’t violate anyone else’s confidentiality, so I won’t tell you anything personal about anyone else by name.

If you want to keep your questions confidential, send them to me at ohanamd@earthlink.net, and I won’t reveal who asked them, though I may post the questions anonymously.

Want to see what others would like to know about you? Repost this (or your own edit of it) in your own blog and/or send it to all of your friends. You may be surprised at what people want to know – even, perhaps, your closest friends.

Taking a deep breath,
Michael

My life path number

2006-01-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

Your Life Path Number is 11

Your purpose in life is to inspire others

Your amazing energy draws people to you, and you give them great insight in return.

You hold a great amount of power over others, without even trying.

You have the makings of an inventor, artist, religious leader, or prophet.

In love, you are sensitive and passionate. You connect with your partner on a very deep level.

You have great abilities, but you are often way too critical of yourself.

You don't fit in - and instead of celebrating your differences, you dwell on them.

You have high expectations of yourself. But sometimes you set them too high and don't achieve anything.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

I find this interesting because I've had a fascination with the number 11 for quite a while.

More about my brain scan

2006-01-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

I’ve received some feedback about MRIs that helps me put things into perspective. Despite what the tech told me, other people have said that the length of my MRI was about the same as the ones they’ve had. So, maybe mine wasn’t really any more extensive than usual.

Barbara assured me that they really do take all kinds of tests to rule out things and said she’s had lots of those tests just to rule things out.

She’s also pretty spiritually intuitive. She said that she thinks all of my medical problems are temporary and related to lessons. My guidance tells me the same thing.

Sigh. Now I just need to get my mind to shut up with the disasterizing. Turn again, Michael. Keep turning to the positive. It reminds me of what Stephen Levine has said about meditation – that everyone’s mind wanders and that the real value is in learning to return to the breath (or whatever the focus for the meditation is) sooner and more easily.

An online friend suggested that maybe the noise of the MRI made me tired and compared it to being at a loud party. When I leave, she reminded me, I’m drained partly because it was a lot of sensory stimulation. Yes, as an introvert and as a Highly Sensitive Person, that makes a lot of sense.

It has also occurred to me that the stress of the waiting and the actual procedure could have tired me. Yes, I think both of those – noise and stress – are contributing factors.

Now I need to just keep myself from stressing about it until Wednesday. What’s something happy and calming that I can turn my mind to? I wish I had a CD of the best hippie music of the late ‘60s. What else? I don’t have a romantic partner to put my attention into. That really helped when I was with Antoinette. What are other good ideas of happy, calming things to think about? I'm open to suggestions.

Peace and relaxation to all of us,
Michael

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Tribute to MLK

2006-01-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

A tribute on his birthday to

~*~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.~*~

“We must learn to live together as brothers

or perish together as fools.

Hatred paralyzes life;

love releases it.

Hatred confuses life;

love harmonizes it.

Hatred darkens life;

love illuminates it.”

“I have a dream …”

Your dream is still alive.

Headshots

2006-01-14T13:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I had it done.

Barbara calls an MRI “the most sci-fi medical test I’ve ever done.” Now that I’ve had one, I have to agree. There’s all this chugging and buzzing and clicking while it’s going on. Very weird.

And they did run me into a tube for it. But I kept my eyes closed the entire time, so I never felt claustrophobic at all. Thank God for small blessings.

It took a LONG time. The first technician said they were going to shoot me for 25 minutes, then pull me out and shoot dye into my arm, and then shoot me for another 20 minutes. The second technician told me it was one of the longer ones they’ve done. That gave me the opportunity to worry myself about it. Why are they doing such an extensive MRI, one that’s longer than most?

OK, I'm worried about tumors or whatever may show up. I'm doing my best to turn my mind and stay positive, and the worry keeps creeping back in. So, I turn again. And again, and again.

There was one interesting bit of serendipity. They gave me earphones to help drown out some of the sci-fi noises. The tech gave me several options of music, and I chose classical guitar. It would be soothing, I thought. I don’t know if he forgot to change the music, or if he put on the “wrong” music, but that wasn’t what I got. Instead I got what I call “hippie music.” They were all songs I listened to and liked during the late ‘60s – things like “Joy to the World,” “Turn, Turn, Turn,” “Are You Going to San Francisco,” and “Let’s Get Together.” I loved it. It really did distract me. I just let my attention go into the music. It was a music meditation.

When it was all over, I felt really tired for some reason. I don’t know; maybe I would have felt tired anyway. I did end up going to bed about 10:30 (early for me) and got about 8 hours of sleep. That’s the most sleep I’ve had in one night (or 24-hour period) in several months.

Now I wait. On Wednesday I have my first appointment with my new neurologist. I'm supposed to pick up the MRI films to give to him earlier that day. We shall see what they show.

“My” neurologist. That’s a term I never imagined until recently.

Namaste,
Michael

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Pictures of my brain

2006-01-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

This afternoon at 5:30 I'm scheduled to have an MRI done. Because of the TN, they want to check my brain for tumors and M.S., both of which might conceivably be causes. I don’t have other symptoms of M.S. or of tumors, so I'm not terribly concerned about them. But ….

I am nervous about it.

What if they discover I don’t have a brain?

No, that isn’t really my concern. It was (supposedly) a joke.

I don’t know what my concern is. I just get nervous any time I have medical procedures done. God only knows what they might find. OK, I guess I do have some concerns about tumors and M.S. Or who knows what else might be there. I might be a mush brain. (Another attempt at humor.)

I'm also usually a bit intimidated by the unknown. And this is definitely the unknown for me.

Is this one of those procedures where they run me into a tube? I'm a bit claustrophobic. That’s a little anxiety provoking.

Breathe, Michael.

And if you’d all hold me in your prayers and positive thoughts between 5:30 and 6:30 MST, I’d appreciate it.

Namaste,
Michael

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How I'm doing

2006-01-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

Since my posts about Barbara, several people have asked how I'm doing. I appreciate their noticing that I'm in the midst of high-stress circumstances, their caring, and their asking about me. It really does make an enormous difference to me that at least a few people have done so.

So, how am I doing? Well, let’s consider the circumstances. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know many of these. Others will be new to you. I just haven’t written about them yet. I'll summarize all of them.

1. Barbara, my close friend and confidante, who I’ve known since childhood, has lung cancer and is facing high-risk surgery imminently (maybe in the next few days). I feel terribly helpless. All I can do is pray, send healing energy, and encourage others to do the same. That’s what I’ve been doing. See the prayer circle I created for her at Beliefnet: http://www.Beliefnet.com/rd.asp?milestoneTypeID=6&q=74322. While you’re at it, I'm sure Barbara would appreciate any prayers you might post there. I have no idea when I'll hear anything from her or about her. I don’t know if her husband will notify me of anything or not if she isn’t able to. I know she put me on her list of people to notify, but I don’t know how well he’ll do that.

2. I'm grieving for my relationship that ended in September. I thought I wasn’t going to grieve much, but her decision to cut off our friendship, too, as well as the holidays, brought it up in my face. I don’t know how much of my grief is about her specifically (some is, for sure) and how much of it is about not having anyone (some is that, too, for sure).

3. I’ve had serious health problems for over a year and was finally diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia in September. TN is a neurological problem that causes severe pain in the face, jaw, and scalp. I'm taking a medication for it that sometimes causes depression and that has been implicated in some suicides. It has reduced, but not eliminated my pain. There are also other side effects of the meds, including very swollen feet. I'm about to get an MRI (to check for tumors and MS) and to see a neurologist for the first time. Hopefully he will have some answers for me.

4. I noticed in December that I had become depressed. Considering the 3 previous circumstances (and some that follow), again combined with the holidays, I'm not surprised. It got pretty intense during the holidays and has been lifting some since then. I keep trying to get myself to do what I know to pull myself out of it without having to resort to more medication.

5. Money has been a huge problem for me. Consider that I was so badly in pain that I couldn’t work for much of 5 months in 2005, that when I could work I couldn’t find work most of the time for another couple of months during the summer, that when I did work as a substitute teacher I made low wages, and that I had no insurance for my extensive medical and dental care. I know this is one that will begin to change soon, though. Several of the other circumstances that follow will also change as my income increases. But right now they are what they are. On the other hand, I’ve considered that I might have to go on disability if the TN keeps me from working so much of the time. We shall see how the treatment goes.

6. Between my low income and the depression, my nutrition has been less than adequate. I really should be taking lots of supplements, but, of course, they’re expensive. And it would help if I ate better.

7. I'm finally ready to acknowledge that I hate substitute teaching and don’t really want to do it any longer. I wanted to teach; I didn’t want to do chaos management with a lot of kids who are more interested in resisting any form of authority than they are in learning. Guess which subbing is about. For a time I thought I wanted to become a regular high school teacher. Only if I work in a private school with kids who are selected because they’re motivated to learn. Actually, I’d like that. Public schools here in Santa Fe in 2005 aren’t anything like public schools were in Prairie Village, KS, when I was attending them. However, I need to do something for income, and until I get other work, I'm feeling stuck with doing what I hate. Could be this contributes to my depression some, too.

8. I've been feeling very off track with doing my right work. I am an actor, a writer, an educator, a coach (spiritual, relationship, and life), a minister, and a consultant. All of those are expressions of my true nature. All of them come easily to me and are fun for me to do. For some reason, I'm not making much money doing them. I need to clear out whatever is blocking me from succeeding at my right work. This, too, contributes to my depression, I'm sure. This is what I really want to be doing, not all those other things I think I need to do to make money.

9. I'm renting a car from a friend, and I really need to buy one of my own. Money again. This feels like a burden.

10. I'm not happy where I'm living. It’s OK. That’s all. I don’t hate it. It just isn’t right for me. Probably if I felt better about other things, I would really dislike it. But I don’t want to find more to feel depressed about.

11. Because of all that’s going on, especially the end of my relationship, and because I’ve begun going to my codependence group again, I’ve been facing my codependence and relationship addiction issues. I don’t like those things about myself very much.

12. And, because of all the preceding, and because I think being positive is attractive and being negative isn’t, I feel very unattractive to women and thus doomed to spend the rest of my life alone – or at least the foreseeable future. As I’ve said before in at least one message, I hate being single. I know, nobody needs to say it. I have to love myself and accept being single before I'll be ready for the relationship I want. Like I said, I feel doomed to remaining single.

So, all tolled, I guess I’d say I’ve been better.

Honesty. Is it the best policy in this case? There’s a quotation at the bottom of Jillianne’s Yahoo 360 profile that’s relevant here. Hugh Prather has said (or written, more likely), “Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty. When I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest, I am automatically humble.” Well, I do feel stupid for being honest, and I'm going to be honest anyway. I guess it’s more important to me to be honest than it is for people to like me or love me or for some woman to want to share her life with me. So, will things move at least?

Sigh.

Love and light to you all,
Michael

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Prayer circle for Barbara

2006-01-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

Following up on my blog message of Monday (1/8) about healing my friend Barbara’s lung cancer, I’ve created a prayer circle for her on Beliefnet. I invite you to go there and post a prayer for her.

Link for prayer circle:
http://www.Beliefnet.com/rd.asp?milestoneTypeID=6&q=74322

I also encourage you to pass this message (or anything about Barbara) along to anyone you know who is involved in spiritual healing, energy healing, prayer, or anything else that might help Barbara.

Please join me in helping create another miracle in Barbara’s life.

Warmly,
Michael

More prayers for Barbara

2006-01-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

I'm requesting again that you pray for, create positive intentions for, visualize for, send healing energy to, and/or think positive thoughts about my friend Barbara Gentlemoon.

I first posted about Barbara and her experience with lung cancer on 9/20/05. If you don’t recall, there’s a little more information about her in a P.S. to this message. What has happened since then is that she went to a clinic in Germany for treatment and is now back home (Gig Harbor, WA). Chemotherapy is no longer working. It’s likely that she’ll be having surgery very soon. The problem is that the tumor is very near her aorta, and the major vein and artery for her left arm are involved. Consequently, it’s very high-risk surgery.

Barbara has said herself that the best thing anyone can do is pray for her.

To all of you who have helped Barbara up to now, she says, “Thank each and every one of you for your continued support, prayers, love, and concern. You are awesome! We've made it to this point with the grace we have because of you.”

To everyone she says, “Know that I am in the BEST hands possible and that my prayer continues to be ‘I will to will Thy will.’ I am at peace moving on to this next step and excited that I have this option. I am ready mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I'll be in touch just as soon as I can. Meanwhile say a prayer for Dr. Wood (my surgeon) too if you would. He'll be my dancing partner and we'd really be stoked to win this one. I love you all so very much.”

I add my love and gratitude to hers.

Warmly,
Michael

P.S. Here’s more information about Barbara:

I’ve known Barbara since she was 7 and I was 11. She’s been my friend, sister-in-law (for a while when I was in my early 20s), and confidante. With no reservation, I say that she is among the most wonderful people I’ve ever known and one of the closest friends I’ve ever had. I value her perspectives and feedback enormously.

As I said before (in September), Barbara isn’t one who is inclined to just accept doctors’ diagnoses or prognoses. 25 years ago, when she was in her late 20’s, she survived the most advanced stage of Hodgkin’s disease that anyone in the world ever has. To do so, she combined spiritual work, metaphysical principles, alternative healthcare, and traditional medicine. Dan Millman (author of The Way of The Peaceful Warrior and many other books) has encouraged her to write her life story because it is so inspirational.

Unfortunately, it’s likely that all the radiation she had then has contributed to her having this cancer now.

If you’d like to read more about Barbara, and I encourage you to do so, see her web site:
http://www.thecancercoach.net/about.htm.

The religion founder I resemble

2006-01-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

Siddhartha Gautama
Founder of Buddhism
"All wrong-doing arises because of mind.
If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?"

You two would probably really get along!

How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 83% on Intuitive
You scored higher than 50% on Structured
You scored higher than 83% on Mildness
You scored higher than 16% on Traditional

Take The Religion Founder You Resemble Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=15379636900197123200

I don’t know who the others are, but I like being told I resemble the Buddha!

Bem Sex Role Inventory

2006-01-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

Bem Sex Role Inventory

Androgynous

You scored 50 masculinity and 73 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity.
You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics
of both traditional sex roles.

How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 10% on masculinity.
You scored higher than 71% on femininity.

Take this test and find your own sex role scores:
The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=9417365772332679709

Career Personality Test - a confirmation

2006-01-04T21:39:00.000-07:00

Career Personality Test
Similar to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® Instrument

Michael, your career personality type is INFP

That means that based on the standard measure of personality traits, you are highly organized and have strong project management skills. You prefer to work independently and then pass your ideas or tasks on to others. When others lose sight of the big picture, you help them to stay focused to see what's important and weed out unnecessary details. This skill set will help you succeed in nearly any workplace.The reason employers and recruiters might be on the lookout for you is that only about 3-4% of the U.S. population shares the unique characteristics of your personality type. Research shows that businesses succeed when employers create a good balance of personality types in the office. And since only 3-4% of the U.S. population shares your type, that means employers are looking for you.

But, to truly show employers what you have to offer, you need to understand a little more about traits that make up your type. MBTI® and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® are registered trademarks and Myers-Briggs™ is a trademark of Consulting Psychologists Press, Inc., the publisher of the MBTI instrument. Tickle is not affiliated with and is not a licensee of Consulting Psychologists Press, Inc.

Take the test and find your career personality type:

http://web.tickle.com/tests/classiccareer/authorize/register.jsp?url=%2Ftests%2Fclassiccareer%2Findex.jsp&stay

Bigfoot lives!

2006-01-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

If you’re hoping for a story about a big ape-man called Sasquatch who lives in the forests in the mountains of the Pacific Northwest (and I know that some of my PNW friends are hoping for that), then you’re going to be sorely disappointed. This is not about Sasquatch. This is about another Bigfoot.

Me. I’ve become a Bigfoot.

“What?” you ask. “What are you talking about?”

Well, be patient, and I'm going to tell you.

I have good news. The meds I'm on seem to be working to reduce my pain. I still have pain, sometimes significant pain, and some activities are still a huge challenge (things like lowering my head and eating, for example), but I don’t hurt as badly now as I did before. Those cheers that are bubbling up in you are appropriate and welcome.

I also have bad news. Here comes the Bigfoot thing. The side effects of the Neurontin are growing.

I'll get to the depression in a moment. But I want to relieve the suspense and get to Bigfoot first.

One of the side effects of Neurontin is peripheral edema, that is, swelling of the feet. I didn’t think much about it until a few days ago. Then it really hit me that my feet were huge. (I’d become a Bigfoot, get it?) The skin feels stretched really tight (to the point of hurting a little), and they’re red. They look a lot like hot dogs that are being roasted and have “plumped up.” My shoes hardly go on my feet now. I have to sit with my feet up every once in a while and to sleep with my feet up to let them drain some. I haven’t seen anything like this before. It’s very uncomfortable, too. Consequently, walking is a bit difficult. Bigfoot has trouble walking. Who’d have guessed?

But, it’s the depression that’s my biggest problem now, considering what’s limiting my life. I'm becoming really tired of being depressed. I have to find a way to get off Neurontin. And, in the meantime, I need to force myself to do some of the things I know to do and some of the things some of you are recommending. I know what to do. I just can’t seem to motivate myself to do it.

OK, here are some commitments for today:
1. I will take at least a 30’ walk.
2. I will call the medical clinic about next steps.
3. I will call the temp agencies I signed up with last week and get reactivated with them.
4. I will call Capital High School about the long-term sub job we discussed back in December.
5. I will check the job ads in the SF New Mexican from Sunday.
6. I will attend the codependence meeting this evening.
7. I will do something about getting my own work going.
All of those are things I’ve been procrastinating about.

Today is Susan Grace’s birthday. I encourage you to send her birthday wishes, even if only in consciousness.

And so, for now, Bigfoot is taking leave.

Love and light to you all,
Michael

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Happy New Year!

2005-12-31T16:18:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year!

Wishing you the most magnificent year of your life!

Today (i.e., every today) is our opportunity to begin again and

to make the coming year whatever we’d like it to be.

Let’s join together and make it a year of peace, love, joy, health, spiritual awakening,

and an abundance of everything that is for our highest benefit.

In the spirit of renewal,

Michael

And now for some boxing

2005-12-26T19:34:00.000-07:00

So, how’s Boxing Day going for y’all? Are the gyms crowded?

Does anyone need some boxes? I have more than enough.

Don’t celebrate too frenetically, folks.

Boxing my way out of the funk,
Michael

The Christmas that was

2005-12-26T16:53:00.000-07:00

I was concerned about Christmas this year. If you’ve been reading, you know my story. In September I broke up with a woman (Antoinette) who I love but can’t get along with. I hate being alone (without a romantic partner) for Christmas. I have a chronic neurological condition (Trigeminal Neuralgia) in my face that causes me to have nearly constant pain, sometimes severe pain. And, at least partly because of the medication I'm taking, I’ve been moderately depressed the past few weeks (at least). And I'm very low on money and having difficulty getting my motivation up to get out there and look for more work.

So, here came Christmas….

Can you get the feeling for how exciting that WASN’T for me?

Christmas, as I define it, begins about 5 pm on Christmas Eve and ends when we go to bed on Christmas Day.

I had fully intended to go to the Unity Santa Fe Christmas Eve service. Yeah. Fully. But, when the time came, I couldn’t raise the motivation to get myself up, get ready, and go. I thought about it. Then I thought about it some more. And finally, I just went back to working on my computer. Oh, well. I’d go to the Christmas morning service Sunday. No big deal.

Eventually I turned on “It’s a Wonderful Life.” I never miss it on Christmas. I can practically recite the entire script from memory. I tell people that Mary Hatch Bailey (played by Donna Reed) is one of my models for the woman I’d like to be with (once we remove the sexist 1940s aspect of her). Anyway, I watched and worked on my computer and … spent nearly the whole evening wondering what Antoinette was doing and missing being with her. Can you imagine a much merrier Christmas Eve?

I eventually went to bed, hoping at least to have a good night of sleep since I haven’t had one in many weeks. No, no such luck. Between the pain and whatever else it is that wakes me up at 4 or so in the morning nearly every morning, I got maybe 5 hours of sleep. For me that’s about 2 or 3 too few.

So, I finally got up, and making the story a little shorter, I did go to church. That was actually the highlight of my Christmas. I love the Unity Christmas service. It’s pretty much the same every year. Lots of music (the choir and a soloist) and a metaphysical interpretation of the Christmas story. I noticed my depression lifting a little while I was in the service. And I got a prayer from one of the Prayer Chaplains after the service; that helped, too.

On the other hand, I did miss being able to sing (because of my TN). Last year I was in the choir for Christmas. I still knew the words and the arrangements.

Then I got the few small gifts that I had gotten for Antoinette ready … Yes, I got her a few gifts. I only spent about $30. It seemed like what I would do for a friend who is an ex. I told her how grateful I am to her in the card. Then I took them over and left them inside her screen door. I knew she’d be at work; she had told me that last time I saw her.

The rest of the day I watched TV and worked on my computer. After time for A. to get off work, I kept wondering if she’d call me. She didn’t. Along about 7:30 I finally suffered through eating the dinner I had bought at Whole Foods. (It hurts me quite a bit to eat.)

That’s it. My fabulous Christmas, 2005. It wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t good. I wasn’t horribly depressed. I was depressed. I missed A. I hated being alone. The Christmas that was.

May Christmas, 2006 be wonderful, and may I be thoroughly in love with someone who can share the wonder with me.

Namaste,
Michael

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MSNBC poll: Impeach Bush?

2005-12-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

MSNBC is taking a poll about whether we think George Bush should be impeached. So far they’ve received almost 160,000 responses!

I encourage you to submit your vote. It’s very easy and only takes a few seconds. Just click on this link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10562904.

Please tell them what you think, and pass this information along to your friends!

Season's Greetings!

2005-12-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, happy Kwanzaa, and happy Solstice …

Your presence in my life (in whatever way, now or in the past) has made a difference. Thank you.

To receive your card, click on this link (or else copy it and enter it into your browser):
http://www.beliefnetgreetings.com/upcardme.php?step=pickup&id=kt040051fe9f/My friends and family/
Your card will be available for pick-up beginning 12-21-2005 for the next 30 days. Please be sure to view your eCard before the 30 days are up!

To read my review of the events in my life during 2005, click on this link (or else copy it and enter it into your browser):
http://myyearreview.blogspot.com
This will be available permanently.

To see the most amazing display of holiday lights I’ve ever seen, click on this link (or else copy it and enter it into your browser):
http://media.engadget.com/videos/lights.wmv
I don’t know how long this will be available.

In the spirit of the season,
Michael Dickerson Deluno

More than I thought

2005-12-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

“I'm concerned about you,” they said. “You sound depressed,” they said.

“No, no,” I said, “I'm not depressed really. I'm only writing about what happens with some people who take Neurontin. I'm fine.”

Well, maybe I’ve been more depressed than I thought then. I'm still not terribly depressed, but ….

I have a lot of “good” reasons to be depressed. Chronic pain that’s sometimes intense. Recent break-up with a woman I love but just can’t get along with. Stress with early teen-aged students. Frustration with work and with pain interfering with doing my work. Money stress. Not to mention taking a medication that has a frequent side effect of causing depression.

And, of course, having a history of dysthymia (chronic minor depression) punctuated occasionally with major depressive episodes (nearly always at the end of relationships).

Most people who have trigeminal neuralgia like I do are given an antidepressant in addition to the other medications. That’s partly because Neurontin sometimes causes depression, partly because chronic pain causes depression, and partly because, for some reason, antidepressants help relieve the pain of TN.

However, I wasn’t given an antidepressant. I wasn’t even offered the option. Maybe my doctor didn’t know that it’s the usual thing to do.

There’s a relatively new antidepressant that’s being used routinely in TN cases. I’ve been out of the counseling field long enough that I hadn't even heard of it. It’s called Cymbalta, and it apparently doesn’t have most of the side effects of other antidepressants. It sounds like it’s worth a try.

And now I notice myself being more depressed than I thought I was. I’d say I'm moderately depressed.

How do I know? Well, I have a few symptoms:
1. Insomnia
2. Lack of motivation to do what I need to do
3. Staying cooped up in my apartment and not even getting dressed some days
4. Repetitively thinking about what I miss with Antoinette (my ex, for those of you who don’t know)
5. Low mood
6. Some suicidal thoughts – though nothing serious
7. Thinking about going someplace wonderful where everything will be better (though the place changes frequently … Australia is one of my favorites, however)
8. Wanting to find a woman who will make everything better (sometimes just someone to date; sometimes my soulmate)

I'm a bit compulsive and am having trouble stopping because I don’t think I’ve thought of all of them. I have to be complete.

And, on top of everything else, Christmas is coming, and I'm alone, and I hate being alone for Christmas. By alone, I mean without a romantic partner, not without people around me. In fact, I prefer to be away from the stress of being around most people. (Can you tell that I'm an introvert?) I just want someONE to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with.

Synchronicity … A commercial just came on TV about depression.

I need to talk with the doc about this. And I need to research Cymbalta.

Of course, I can’t let you know all of this. I can’t post this. I can’t send it to friends. It seems horribly shameful for me to be depressed. I imagine it will undermine anyone’s respect or caring for me. I imagine it will certainly undermine anyone’s respect for me professionally.

And, if I do let people see this, I imagine all I'll get is replies from people who have no understanding of depression at all. “Just think positively.” “Go help someone else.” “What are you doing to create this?” “It’ll be OK.” “You don’t seem depressed to me.” “Your thinking is causing your depression.” And, of course, there’s the one that I heard from my father repeatedly during my childhood, “Just laugh and be happy.” I know people want to help. But these kinds of reply don’t do that.

What kinds of things do help? Here are some examples:
1. I care.
2. What can I do to help?
3. I'm here for you.
4. I’ve been there. I’ve been depressed, too. I know how difficult it is.
5. It sounds like you’re feeling __. Is that right?
6. What are you doing to take care of yourself? (compassionately, not judgmentally)

I'm sure there are more.

So, I guess I'll post this. I keep reminding myself that some of the most famous and highly regarded people in the world had problems with depression. I just read an article about how Abraham Lincoln was depressed through most of his life, including while he was President. They tried to make the case that it actually helped him in his Presidency.

So, there you have it. Maybe I'm somehow more effective in life because I’ve experienced being depressed. Maybe … maybe it will even allow me to make a difference to someone else. And maybe I'll never know.

Michael

Blog of the week

2005-12-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

I'm pleased to announce that the people at Care2 Connect voted my blog entry “R.I.P. Josh” the Blog of the Week Award.

Michael

Nothing I can do

2005-12-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

In a few short hours a man will be murdered, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

This man has devoted the past 25 years to helping troubled kids, writing books for them and counseling them by phone, working to turn them away from gangs. Some say that he has saved the lives of 150,000 of them. For this he has been nominated 5 times for the Nobel Peace Prize and 4 times for the Nobel Prize in Literature.

This is a man who has made a difference.

But I know that he will be murdered, and I can do nothing about it.

You see, California state courts have assented to his murder. The Supreme Court has assented to his murder. Governor Schwarzenegger has assented to his murder. And there is no one left with the power to save him.

His crusade to turn kids away from gangs will end as he takes his last breath, the victim of a needle in his arm, the victim of a misguided conviction that murder prevents murder, the victim of a lust for vengeance.

This man, this human being, this person who has done such wonderful work to make up for the horrible things he once did will soon be murdered. And none of us can do anything about it.

Farewell to Stanley “Tookie” Williams. Farewell to his work. Farewell to saving all those kids. A murderer has you in his sights.

I wish I could do something about it.

I wish someone could do something about it.

Michael

Farewell, Eugene

2005-12-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

Farewell to Eugene McCarthy, “Clean Gene,” from one of McCarthy’s Kids in 1968.

You made a difference.

Ideal relationship quiz

2005-12-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

Well, there you have it.

Michael

In memory

2005-12-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

In memory of

John Lennon

October 9, 1940 - December 8, 1980

“All we are saying is give peace a chance.”

“I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?”

"It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love, or how you love. It matters only that you love."

“Imagine …”

What temperament am I?

2005-12-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

This one pretty much got it right.

Michael

Neurontin and suicide

2005-12-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

Finding information about Neurontin and suicide was pretty easy when I Googled it. Here’s what I found:

There’s recent research that shows a link between Neurontin and suicide and suicide attempts. The FDA is considering requiring a warning about the link.

Of course, as I’ve said before, there’s no way of knowing that TN sufferers wouldn’t have committed suicide anyway because of not being able to get away from the pain.

Apparently Lyrica doesn’t have this link with suicide (at least so far). There’s another good reason for me to consider it.

And, since I haven’t experienced depression as a result of the Neurontin, there’s no real reason for me to worry about suicidal ideation. I remind myself of my mother worrying about things like this.

Michael

Tell Me Why

2005-12-03T10:08:00.001-07:00

Don’t miss this! The song is great, and the young man who's singing is, too.

http://media.putfile.com/Declan-full (Click on the title "Tell Me Why" for a live link.)

Michael

Neurontin and depression

2005-12-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking about how depression is a common side effect of taking Neurontin, and I’ve been wondering why it hasn’t affected me that way, given my history of experiencing depression. Then I felt some depression looking at Josh’s profile and wondered if the Neurontin was finally getting me, but it didn’t last too long.

Today I was watching TV, and an ad (or public service announcement) came on telling about a class action lawsuit. They asked anyone who knows someone who committed suicide or attempted suicide while taking Neurontin to contact some law firm.

So, apparently the problem goes beyond depression. Apparently some people – enough for there to be a class action lawsuit - who take Neurontin commit suicide. I wonder why no one told me that. Does any of you know anything about this?

Of course, the nearly constant pain is enough to drive someone to suicide, too, if they’re inclined to that. That’s why TN is called the “suicide disease.”

Now I'm even more motivated to find a way to get off Neurontin and to take Lyrica instead. I think I should bring this up in my TN discussion group. Maybe some of them know about Neurontin, depression, and suicide. And I probably should Google it.

Michael

R.I.P. Josh

2005-12-02T16:30:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago I learned of a suicide. A 17-year-old young man named Josh killed himself somewhere in California. What made this suicide unusual and therefore remarkable to me was that Josh was a member of My Space online, and he posted a bulletin (general notice to all friends) in My Space asking someone to call the police and directing them to where they would find his body.

I looked at Josh’s profile on My Space. I was struck with 3 things:

1. I was amazed at how many people had written insensitive (at the least) and even downright cruel messages about Josh. To the best of my reading ability, it appeared that all of these were people who didn’t even know Josh. Mostly they just thought he deserved the abuse because he had killed himself. I feel stunned and horrified and deeply saddened about this. I don’t understand this kind of hatefulness.

2. On the other hand, there were many messages from kids who knew Josh and loved him. (Look for yourself. They're on the right side of the page as you scroll down.) The theory goes that people who kill themselves feel alienated and unloved. How could that be with all these people saying how much Josh meant to them? It doesn’t sound like they neglected to tell him while he was alive. What happened? I wish I had that many people telling me they love me and that I’ve made a difference in their lives.

3. As I read Josh’s profile and all the comments, I found myself sinking into depression. Was it finally the Neurontin causing depression? I don’t think so. I think it was about empathizing with Josh, about the cruelty I saw, and about imagining people wouldn’t write the kind of loving, grateful things to me that they wrote to Josh.

And there’s the key. Josh apparently didn’t experience the love and appreciation that was there for him, just as I sometimes don’t think anyone cares about me. I don’t have any idea why that was for him. Research tells us that most teens who commit suicide are victims of some kind of abuse. I have no way to know if that was true for him. But there was something in his life that taught him that he didn’t deserve the love that was there for him, so he evidently didn’t even see it. And so he escaped from a life that seemed like hell for him.

I hope he learned what he needed to in his afterlife life review so his next lifetime will be easier.

Rest in peace, Josh, until it’s time to come back and try it again.

Michael

1000th shame

2005-12-02T11:48:00.000-07:00

“A convicted murderer was put to death Friday in the nation’s 1000th execution since capital punishment resumed in 1977.” (Associated Press)

The man’s attorney said, “If this 1000th execution is a milestone, it’s a milestone we should all be ashamed of.” I couldn't agree more.

Killing is killing. Everyone who kills thinks they have a good, even compelling, reason to kill. It's time to say that there is no good reason to kill short of it being a last resort to prevent serious harm to an innocent person. And there are very few instances when killing is the last resort.

Let’s join most of the civilized countries in this world and abolish capital punishment.

Michael

Still hurting

2005-11-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still in pain. If I'm ever out of pain, I guarantee you that I'll let you know. What I have (trigeminal neuralgia) is considered by traditional medicine to be a chronic, lifelong problem that is only controlled by medication (and not always controlled by medication). They say that Gamma Knife surgery (a highly focused and precise dose of radiation) is the only possibility of a permanent cure. However, that doesn’t work all the time, and very occasionally (1-2% of the time) leaves the patient with facial paralysis.

I’ve been on Neurontin just over 6 weeks. The doc raised my dosage some, but it’s one of those meds that takes awhile to get to the correct level. I'm still at about half the maximum dosage. I'm also using 400 mg of ibuprofen (generic Motrin) and 1000 mg of extra strength acetaminophen (generic Tylenol) every 8 hours in addition to that.

The worst of the pain is gone, but I'm still having some pretty intense pain sometimes. It’s intense enough to wake me up at night at least once a night (4 times last night) and to keep me from being able to talk now and then. I only go a few minutes at a time without any pain at all. It still feels like I'm having dental problems much of the time – not to mention earaches and pain in my eye, cheek, forehead, and scalp.

There is good news, though! I am able to eat and drink sometimes (though it’s always painful to eat or drink), and I can talk (though rather distortedly) much of the time. And I never did have to take a day off from my long-term teaching job because of the pain. I had to stop in the middle of classes for a few minutes sometimes because of the pain, but I was able to keep going.

Also, the side effects are nearly gone. I'm no longer stumbling around, feeling drugged, or falling asleep suddenly while I'm sitting up – all of which are usual side effects of Neurontin. Depression is also a common side effect, and I haven’t gotten depressed. So, cheers!

There’s another medication that I’d really like to try. It’s called Lyrica and is supposedly the new version of Neurontin. The good news is that there are fewer side effects and that it sometimes works better. However, it’s not on the clinic’s low-cost plan. So, I’ve contacted Pfizer (the manufacturer) to see what kind of free and low-cost plans they have. We shall see.

Someone remarked that I'm in remarkably good spirits for someone with this thing. It’s a choice. I believe staying positive will contribute to my healing, as will prayer, energy healing, and all the other alternative approaches that I'm bringing into my life.

And so, I'm doing whatever I can to attract a miraculous healing. I invite you to join me in that through visualization, prayer, Reiki, kind words, or whatever you can think of.

Thank you to all of you who have already been supporting my healing and to all of you who will now begin to do so. I feel deep appreciation for you.

Michael
ohanamd@earthlink.net

3 more Conscious Heart's Quest posts

2005-11-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

I’ve posted 3 more posts of my “Conscious Heart’s Quest” blogs. They are titled:

Brief history of relationships
Where I’ve met women
My history with the personal ads

If you’re interested in reading any or all of them, go to: http://consciousheart.blogspot.com.

If you’d like to receive my blog “Conscious Heart’s Quest” via e-mail, send an empty e-mail (no message necessary) to CHQuest-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.

Namaste,
Michael Dickerson Deluno

What Kind of Ex Am I?

2005-11-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

You Are A Friendly Ex

You and your ex are just friends - great friends really.
(At least that's what you keep telling yourself!)
While civility is a good thing, make sure you're not secretly wanting more...

What Type of Ex Are You?

Yes, I always have been and always will be. Some of my exes are still friends; more would be if they were interested.

If you'd like to leave your results in my comments, I'd enjoy reading them.

Michael

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

I’d like to wish all of you from the U.S. a wonderful and meaningful Thanksgiving Day. To those of you who aren’t in countries that celebrate Thanksgiving today, I urge you to consider contemplating gratefulness and appreciation today anyway.

Thanksgiving is much more than just a holiday with loads of food, parades, and sharing with people we love. It’s really about gratefulness - gratefulness for all the things have gone our way, but also for the people and circumstances that are our challenges.

Nancy and Jim Rosemergy tell us: “Thankfulness is one of the great avenues of God’s presence and power. When we give thanks, a door opens through which Spirit can do Its work.”Giving thanks is a choice. It’s easy to give thanks when we like what happens, but we can also choose to be thankful any time under any circumstances. As Nancy and Jim said, doing this opens a door that allows us to follow a path to change in our lives. It may not seem easy or natural to give thanks in the face of challenges, but it is a practice that can be cultivated and one that will lead to magnificent changes.

And so I give thanks for all the people I care about, for all the people who care about me, for everyone who has helped me in any way, especially for Antoinette and all she’s contributed to me in a multitude of forms, for all my learning and awakening and growth, for my home, for my job, for my income, for the car I drive, for my computers, for the opportunities I’ve been given, for my fabulous experiences acting in “Into the West” and “Bordertown,” for the people at Capitol High School who allowed me to do a long-term substitute job teaching AVID and English, for the food I eat, and for so much more.

But I also give thanks for having trigeminal neuralgia, for the healing I know is coming, and for the blessings I know are coming from it; for my break-up with Antoinette, for still being friends with her, and for the blessings I know are coming from that; for my less than abundant flow of money, for the abundance I know is flowing to me now, and for the blessings I know I'm receiving by not having lots of money; for the challenge of seeking again for the woman of my dreams, for knowing that the right woman is coming into my life, and for the blessings I know are coming as a result of my search; and, of course, for all my other challenges in life.

I invite you to join me in sitting down and consciously and intentionally writing down all the things you appreciate and also the challenges you have and whatever gratitude you can choose to have for them.

But, beyond that, I urge you to join me in just choosing to be grateful for life and for whatever comes, knowing that somehow, whether we recognize how or not, everything is either for our highest benefit or else is leading to our highest benefit.

Thank you everyone, and thank You, God.

May we all use this time of giving thanks to grow and to open our hearts.

In abundant gratitude,
Michael

New blog

2005-11-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

I’ve started a new blog that I'll continue as a separate thing. It’s called “Conscious Heart’s Quest,” and it’s about my quest for the woman and relationship of my dreams. I'll refer to it occasionally in This Is My Life, and I won’t duplicate the things I write there.

If you’re interested in reading it, you can find it at http://consciousheart.blogspot.com.

If you’d like to receive it via e-mail, send an e-mail (no message necessary) to chquest-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.

Michael

More to life

2005-10-30T16:02:00.000-07:00

There is more to life than my health – and Barbara’s. I swear there is. I guess it’s time to catch up again on other things.

Antoinette and I are still broken up. We’ve shifted the form of our relationship, though, and are being friends. We’ve been getting together about once a week. I love her and miss some of what we had together, yet I know this is for the best. We just didn’t work together as romantic partners. She’d be a great partner for someone more like her. If I knew that guy, I’d recommend her to him.

So, once again I'm open to meeting the woman of my dreams. I hope I learned what I need to know from being with Antoinette so that I'm ready to find her now. If you know her, send her my way, please.

I'm still teaching AVID and English at Capitol High School as a long-term substitute. Channell (the regular teacher who is out on maternity leave) returns on November 21. She’d like me to stay on as co-teacher to facilitate the transition until winter break. (I almost called it Christmas break.) We have to see if the school or the school district will pay me to do that.

I love that job. It’s a lot of work for not too much pay, but I still love it. I guess teaching is just my calling. Whenever I do life purpose work, I always get that teaching is my life’s work. I’ve always taken that very broadly. Now I'm actually doing school teaching and loving it. Interesting. I just act as if that’s my permanent job – going to all of the meetings whether I need to or not, etc. We shall see.

October 21 was the end of the first quarter. Giving midterm exams, grading them, and preparing grades for the quarter took a huge amount of time. Now I find that I still have some to do because the grades can be changed, and some of the students want to do things to change their grades. I'll have to put some kind of time limit on that, or else I'll be doing it forever.

Some of it is quite challenging – especially dealing with kids who create disruption and ones who aren’t at all motivated. But I'm learning.

Another of the long-term subs (the one who took over the classes I was originally scheduled to teach – his name is Eric) told me that Los Alamos Public Schools is looking for subs and says they can keep us busy. It’s 40 minutes or so away from home, but it pays about twice what Santa Fe Public Schools does. I'm going to call about it and see if I can get a long-term job there. Eric and I could carpool and make it easier and more enjoyable to commute.

It’s time for me to check back in with Santa Fe Community College about being in their alternative teacher training program. I'm still interested in becoming a regular teacher and in teaching AVID permanently. It’s a fabulous program. If you’d like to know more about it, visit http://www.avidonline.org. I’ve also learned that there’s a program to prepare teachers to teach advanced placement (AP) courses. I'm looking into that, too. To know more about that, see http://apcentral.collegeboard.com. AVID and AP courses are what I really want to teach.

What else? There must be more. I'll write another message if I think of anything.

Love and light to you all,
Michael

Civil Rights Pioneer Rosa Parks Dies at 92 - Yahoo! News

2005-10-24T21:56:00.000-06:00

May you rest in peace, Miss Rosa Parks.

TN report

2005-10-22T14:43:00.000-06:00

TN (trigeminal neuralgia) is a pain. That’s the closest I can come to making a joke about it.

I’ve been on the medication for 8 days now. First the good news: I experienced 2 pain-free hours on Wednesday. I was so high that I can’t describe it. I went to Whole Foods and bought salmon to celebrate.

But, by the time I got it home to eat, I was back in pain.

The worst of the pain – the searing electric shock-like pain all through the right side of my face and scalp – is muted some, but not gone. I still have attacks every once in a while (somewhere between a half dozen and a dozen per day). And I still have the ongoing pain that usually feels like it’s in my teeth and that makes it very difficult to eat or drink. I’ve been surviving on too little fluids and soft foods that I don’t have to chew much.

Then, very early Wednesday morning (4 a.m.) I had to visit the ER to deal with side effects of the medications. The doc there also gave me a prescription for a very large dose of Motrin (in the form of what I call horse pills) to help deal with the pain. He told me that the medication I'm on (Neurontin) is one that takes awhile to build up and that the doc will probably increase my dose when I see him this coming Thursday.

Today it isn’t too bad – comparatively.

I have continued to teach. I just have to minimize how much I talk and to stop talking for pain attacks occasionally. It is interfering, but I don’t have sick leave or disability pay, so I just keep with it. Students have asked me a number of times why I don’t stay home when I'm so sick. Someone suggested I check into going on disability through the state, but my understanding is that the benefits are so small that I wouldn’t really be able to live on them. I can barely make it on what I make teaching, and I have lots of people I need to pay money back to. I need to work more, not less.

And, compared to last winter, it isn’t too bad. The attacks then were more frequent and would go on sometimes for 4 or 5 minutes instead of half a minute or a minute now. Then excruciating pain was waking me up out of my sleep often. Now I’ve only been awakened a few times. So I'm really feeling somewhat grateful that it isn’t worse now than it is.

I'm trying to communicate it to you in a way that you get it, and I suspect no one ever will without experiencing it themselves – or at least watching me experience it. In that way it’s like depression. People who’ve never been clinically depressed just don’t get it. Similarly, people just don’t get the pain of TN. It’s so frustrating for me. I want people to understand.

Here are some of the things I do that set off terrible pain: walking heavily, carrying things, lifting, bending over so my head isn’t upright, sometimes moving faster than a very slow pace, chewing and drinking (as I’ve said), smiling (really, I can’t even smile), talking, holding a phone to my ear, washing my face, showering, touching my face, turning my head too far, and more.

I was just reminded of one of the side effects of the meds because it just happened. At least I think it’s a side effect of the meds. Maybe I'm just really tired from not sleeping well. I suddenly almost nod off to sleep while I'm sitting at the computer or watching TV or sitting at a stoplight. I have to be very careful driving if I'm not really rested. Mornings are OK. On the way home from work is a problem.

The TN discussion group that I’ve joined has been a Godsend. I can talk to and hear from people who truly understand what I'm talking about. Some of them have it even worse than I do, too. Maybe not worse than last winter, but worse than now.

So, there you have it. At least I hope you do after reading what I’ve written.

Michael

Trigeminal neuralgia and me

2005-10-16T15:59:00.000-06:00

As I said in my last message, I’ve been diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia. I’ve been dealing with this for nearly a year and possibly longer than that. Here’s a brief review of the history since late November, 2004 (in case you weren’t reading these by then):

For a little over 4 months last winter I experienced severe pain in my mouth, face, and scalp. It was so extreme that I couldn’t work most of the time. Because I knew I had some dental work needing to be done where it was hurting, I went to a dentist, thinking that was the problem. I subsequently had lots of dental work done (3 root canals and an extraction), tying to relieve the pain. I also had a medical consult for possible neurological problems, partly because I had Bell’s palsy 10 or 12 years ago. The doc suggested that I take a vitamin B complex and prescribed Amitriptylin, which I couldn’t tolerate without significant side effects. Eventually, after the last of the dental work was done, the pain went away. I thought it was all over with, and another doctor just let it all pass.

Then about 6 weeks ago, I began having some of the same symptoms again. It grew worse and worse over the weeks. Finally it got to the point of being severe pain again – enough that I couldn’t eat (and didn’t for a week until a couple of days ago), could only drink with terrible pain (and became dehydrated), couldn’t sleep well or for very long, and could hardly talk (always with great difficulty). Tylenol with codeine reduced the pain some, but never eliminated it.

I went to the dentist several times, the last time on this past Thursday. They had said repeatedly that they couldn’t find any dental reason for my pain and said the same thing this time. So, they sent me over to the medical side of the clinic to be seen. There I was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia, a neurological problem in one of the main facial nerves (the trigeminal nerve, of course).

Here’s a brief description of TN from the Trigeminal Neuralgia Association web site:

“What Is Trigeminal Neuralgia?

“TN (Trigeminal Neuralgia / tic douloureux) is a disorder of the fifth cranial (trigeminal) nerve that causes episodes of intense, stabbing, electric shock-like pain in the areas of the face where the branches of the nerve are distributed - lips, eyes, nose, scalp, forehead, upper jaw, and lower jaw. By many, it's called the "suicide disease". A less common form of the disorder called "Atypical Trigeminal Neuralgia" may cause less intense, constant, dull burning or aching pain, sometimes with occasional electric shock-like stabs. Both forms of the disorder most often affect one side of the face, but some patients experience pain at different times on both sides. Onset of symptoms occurs most often after age 50, but cases are known in children and even infants. Something as simple and routine as brushing the teeth, putting on makeup or even a slight breeze can trigger an attack, resulting in sheer agony for the individual. Trigeminal neuralgia (TN) is not fatal, but it is universally considered to be the most painful affliction known to medical practice. Initial treatment of TN is usually by means of anti-convulsant drugs, such as Tegretol or Neurontin. Some anti-depressant drugs also have significant pain relieving effects. Should medication be ineffective or if it produces undesirable side effects, neurosurgical procedures are available to relieve pressure on the nerve or to reduce nerve sensitivity. Some patients report having reduced or relieved pain by means of alternative medical therapies such as acupuncture, chiropractic adjustment, self-hypnosis or meditation.”

If you want to know more about it, see the Trigeminal Neuralgia Association website, http://www.tna-support.org/.

The doctor gave me a heavy-duty anti-seizure medication (Neurontin) that’s one of the accepted treatments for the condition. They also want me to go for an MRI to rule out tumors and multiple sclerosis, both of which are sometimes present when someone has TN. They’re looking for a way for me to see a neurologist and get the MRI at low or no cost since I still don’t have insurance or make much money. (Teachers, especially substitutes – even long-term ones - are incredibly underpaid, in case you’ve never heard that.)

I’ve now taken the Neurontin for a couple of days, and it has reduced the pain some. Specifically, I'm not having the excruciating “electric shock” attacks I was having all through the right side of my face from things like lightly touching my face, moving my mouth, the shower running on my head, turning my head, the wind blowing on my face, and so on. I'm still having ongoing pain on my right side in my teeth, TMJ, and ear, though. That still makes it difficult to eat or drink. I have to force myself to drink anything and to eat even things that don’t take much chewing. I know that it’s going to hurt a lot.

And there are side effects of the Neurontin. I feel spacey and fall asleep easily at odd times. And I'm still on low doses of it.

In addition to the medical treatment, I’ve done some internet research, and I’ve joined an internet discussion group for people who have TN. I’ve learned a lot in 3 days.

I want to share some of my experience over the past 11 months.

TNA says, “By many, it's called the ‘suicide disease’.” I admit that I have considered suicide many times while this has been going on. The pain is intolerable. People who haven’t experienced it have no idea. Imagine the worst pain you’ve ever experienced, and then double or triple that, and that’s the pain of TN. I think that maybe Antoinette was the only one who understood because she was with me so many times when I experienced the attacks, and she saw my reaction to them. (And once again, I am filled with gratitude and love for her because of her caring and help.)

One of the things that really hurt was all the people who didn’t believe me, who thought I was malingering or just lazy because I wasn’t working, who thought I was exaggerating, and so on. One person said that she had had root canals (when I thought it was a dental problem) and hadn't had that kind of pain, so there “must be something wrong.” (In other words, I must be lying.) There was something wrong. I had trigeminal neuralgia, not just dental problems. Several people said I seemed fine when they saw me, so how could I be experiencing what I described? Well, I can hide the ongoing moderate pain pretty well, and I just didn’t have any of my attacks while I was with them. So, yes, sometimes I look OK. But a few minutes later I'll be in excruciating pain from an attack, and I can’t eat or drink without severe pain. I think this is what hurt most, even more than the physical pain. I needed support, and from a lot of people I got doubt and accusations.

I still need support. I still don’t know how I can live with all this pain. It was nearly impossible for me to teach because of the pain that talking caused me. But I kept going because I didn’t want to let the kids down and because I need the money. I need people to say to me, “I understand, and I care” instead of accusing me of making it up or thinking there’s no reason for me not to work.

I don’t know if I'm going to be able to teach this coming week. I just don’t talk when I'm away from work except when absolutely necessary. I nod and grunt and “uhn-hunh” and write out what I need to say. That’s what I did when I went in to talk with the pharmacist about some concerns – I wrote out all the things I needed to ask about. That way I only had to say a few words.

Thank God for computers. At least I can communicate this way.

So, that’s the story. I'm sure I'll write more about this as time goes on. But for now, I'll let it rest.

Namaste,
Michael

And now ... prayers for me (again)

2005-10-15T11:45:00.000-06:00

All of your prayers/treatments/positive intentions/healing work for Barbara are working. Now I need to ask that you contribute some to me for my health and healing (again for many of you).

I’ve (finally, after nearly a year of experiencing this) been diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia, a neurological condition that causes extreme pain in the face, jaws, and scalp. According to the Trigeminal Neuralgia Association, it’s “universally considered to be the most painful affliction known to medical practice.” And, as I did for all this time, people often mistake it for dental problems. For more information, see my next blog/journal entry “Trigeminal Neuralgia and me.”

I have to get an MRI to rule out tumors and multiple sclerosis, both of which are occasionally involved in this.

Enough! It’s time to heal this now. Please join with me in knowing the spiritual truth that I am healthy, whole, and perfect and that all symptoms have disappeared permanently so that I experience comfort, ease, and joy.

I KNOW that I am healthy in spirit and that the physical manifestation of that is in the process of appearing. Soon, with your help, this all will be just a memory.

As Barbara said, quoting the Beatles’ song, “we get by with a little help from our friends” is the gospel if I’ve ever heard one.

Thank you,
Michael

Our prayers are working!

2005-10-15T11:39:00.000-06:00

Yes, our prayers/treatments/positive intentions/healing work for Barbara are working! Please keep them up.

Below are excerpts from her latest update.

When she recovers from this, making it her second recovery from cancer, we’ll begin to write the script for the movie about her life. It will be true Spiritual Cinema and one of the most inspirational films anyone has ever seen.

Michael
------------
After reviewing all of my films, written reports, etc. the doctors here DO NOT find the cancer is in my lymph nodes as the doctors in Washington feared. This news is HUGE. So good I can't tell you! You know, of course. THANK YOU for your prayers! We're doing it!!!! I am not doing it alone - WE are doing it - each of you squares the power of the prayers, thoughts, good energy and HEALING FORCE. So always, I say WE are doing it! And I give thanks. Oh my yes. How I give thanks!

Dr. Scheef (The Wizard) appeared at my door yesterday. I had sent him copies of all my films and reports and he had reviewed everything. He said this absolutely can be done. Absolutely. The two primary keys to my success are to be OPTIMISTIC (anyone who knows me knows I have a corner on that market) and to not ever go back to the life I had before.

The intention is to give me chemotherapy (the entire treatment plan takes six weeks) that will at best make the tumor DISAPPEAR all together (that is our goal - to visualize NOTHING in my left lung) or shrink it very small. Dr. Scheef asked them to add a type of steroid that boosts the immune system, which they will do. At the end of the six weeks they will take films and if it is there but tiny, I will return to the U.S. to have the remains surgically removed.

But as WE KNOW, IT WILL BE GONE! : )

Another gift: I told Dr. Scheef to please let me know what I owe him for his consulting - he acted offended and said he would take nothing as we are old friends [from when she was at the clinic 25 years ago].

Angels, everywhere, I tell you, everywhere.

There is an enchanting personal chapel on the clinic grounds. Of course I have visited - and will be sure to keep candles lit and see that St. Martin is ensconced there.

For now know that things are GOOD, VERY GOOD, and KEEP GETTING BETTER and BETTER. Every day I get more good news, meet another angel, turn another corner. WE ARE DOING IT!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!

Amen to all of you. Amen.

As the song says, "...we get by with a little help from our friends..."

The gospel, if ever it was written.

Amen. Amen.

Love love love to you all,

Barbara

Update re. prayers for Barbara

2005-10-02T21:29:00.000-06:00

Please continue to pray/treat/do healing work for Barbara Gentlemoon’s healing and health. If you’ll also add prayers for financing of her medical treatment, it would be much appreciated. More information from Barbara is below my signature.

Thank you,Michael

Following are excerpts from Barbara’s update to those of us on her e-mail list. In addition to information about her tests and treatment, it will tell you a lot about the kind of person she is.
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“I continue to be amazed and humbled by the outpour from family/friends (I don't differentiate) and from people all over the world I've never met. Truly you all have been with me every step of the way - I can't tell you what that means, how wrapped in love and prayers that makes me feel. The response has been immediate and wholly present. I am awed and truly humbled. It is LOVE (PRAYER) in action, tangible, incredible, a Force that is felt and appreciated more than you will ever ever know.

“I will preface this by saying I will not have the results of any of these tests I talk about until Tuesday, October 4th, when I next see the oncologist.

“I had a Brain Scan (MRI) on Friday, September 23rd. It went fine. The technician's name was Nora. She looked and sounded like an angel. They are always present in these situations if we but watch for them, and I do.

“On Tuesday, September 27th, I had a Bone Scan. I had another angel-technician, Jim.

“On Wednesday, September 28th, I had a CT guided biopsy. The nurse and doctor were both particularly wonderful, as was the technician who was doing the repeated CT photos. I always acknowledge that when I experience it. It matters and is much appreciated and I make sure they know it. They had to be extremely careful (thank you very much) inserting the needles as the tissue they were aspirating is so close to my aorta. Then I had chest x-rays (to determine if my lung was leaking air from the hole they poked in it and might collapse). It was all pronounced "very good!" Alas, as we know, it could be better, as in All Better, but that's coming.

“I am still preparing as if I'll go to Germany [to the Janker Clinic, where she went 25 years ago to heal from Hodgkin’s disease] [in a few days]. I don't want to wait until Tuesday (after the appointment with the oncologist) to begin preparations. ”The head of radiology [at the Janker Clinic] says I will need to be there for six weeks - at a cost of approximately $40,000.00 US. I am going. Don't know how yet, but that's beside the point.

“The only thing that's changed is I may be going by myself because the ticket/flight I need is $2910.00 and I can't afford two. It will be an undertaking, the way I feel, but we rise to what the occasion calls for. [Because of pain and her pain medications, she had arranged for a friend to escort her and help her.]

“I still have absolutely no clear idea how this trip is going to happen. I just keep putting it out there to the Universe and doing my part in preparing for it and I know God and my Angels will do theirs. It is where I need to be, and they will assist me. In that I have no doubt.”
------------
If you would like to write to Barbara directly, her e-mail is gentlemoon@comcast.net. Please only write if it’s something caring and supportive. She’s exceptionally busy right now, so she may not be able to reply for quite a while.

Her website, if you would like more information about her and what a light she is in the world, is:
http://www.thecancercoach.net

If you’re interested in knowing more about the Janker Clinic, ask me to e-mail you an article that Patrick McGrady wrote about it that was originally published in Esquire.

Please pray for Barbara

2005-09-20T18:22:00.000-06:00

I'm requesting that, if it feels appropriate, you pray for my long-time friend Barbara Gentlemoon. (We’ve known each other since we were children.) The doctor tells her she has a medium-sized tumor in her lungs near her aorta. She goes tomorrow (Wednesday) for a PET scan. Please see her healthy and free of tumors.

Barbara isn’t one who is inclined to just accept doctors’ diagnoses or prognoses. 25 years ago, when she was in her late 20’s, she survived the most advanced stage of Hodgkin’s disease that anyone in the world ever has. To do so, she combined spiritual work, metaphysical principles, alternative healthcare, and traditional medicine. Dan Millman (author of The Way of The Peaceful Warrior and many other books) has encouraged her to write her life story because it is so inspirational.

She’s now in preparation to return to the clinic in Germany that helped her to heal herself 25 years ago.

If you’d like to read more about Barbara, and I encourage you to do so, see her web site:
http://www.thecancercoach.net/about.htm

Barbara grew up in Unity (in fact, her father was President of the Board of Unity on the Plaza in Kansas City when we were kids, and she has told me about how he would find a Unity church to attend every Sunday even when they were traveling.) She seriously considered becoming a Unity minister in the late ‘80s and had read all the books that were required of ministerial candidates at that time. I think she is a minister, whether she has those formal credentials or not.

Thank you for considering this,
Michael Dickerson Deluno

Catching up

2005-09-17T11:02:00.000-06:00

How quickly 8 weeks can fly by! So much has happened since I last wrote one of these. I'll just cover the basics of what’s been happening, and this will still be long.

Antoinette and I have broken up again – as of this past Monday. This makes about 40 times in 27 months since we met. I don’t think we’ll get back together this time. Even though we love each other, we’re just too different in some significant values and ways of being in life. We keep clashing over those things. I'm grieving about the loss. I am so grateful and so indebted to her for all she’s done for me, and there were some wonderful parts of our relationship. It just didn’t work for us to be a couple. I'll probably write more about this later in another message.

My job at Los Alamos National Labs that I was so excited about only lasted a couple of days instead of the 6 weeks they promised. They kept having delays because the computers didn’t work and because things didn’t arrive on time. Then, by the time they called me to start working again, I already had something else.

I did a one-evening (and night) temp job in August helping a gallery move artwork out of the Eldorado Hotel and back to the gallery after an auction. I applied for quite a few other jobs and even got interviews for a couple. One of them may still be a possibility as a part-time supplementary job.

But then the school year finally started again, and I took a 2½ week assignment at Capital High School teaching English and Communications. They were in the process of hiring a new teacher, and I was to substitute until they found one. I started that the day before school began (mid-August here in Santa Fe). The day school began I started my first class, and at the end of it another sub came in to talk with me. He said the good news was that I still had a job; the bad news was that they were changing my assignment. He was taking over the classes I thought I was going to teach and applying to be the regular teacher. (He did get the job.)

So, I was switched to another long-term sub job replacing a teacher who would be going on maternity leave about the first of September. We were going to co-teach until then, and I was going to learn what she was doing. She was to be out until the first of December. The classes are freshman AVID/English, sophomore AVID/English, and English 1 (supposedly for freshmen, but there are more juniors in it than freshmen – all kids who have failed English before). The school is on a block schedule, so they only have 4 periods each day, and one of them is my prep period. The important thing I needed to learn about was teaching AVID (more about what that is below). I had never heard of AVID before then.

I like Channell (the regular teacher). She’s a great teacher, even though she’s only 25 and this is only her second or third year of teaching. We got to work together for 3 days, and I was just beginning to pick up how she does things and what AVID is all about. Then on Saturday, August 20th her daughter Nevada decided to be born a couple of weeks early. I showed up the following Monday morning expecting to mostly observe Channell, only to learn that I was on my own. She hadn't taken my phone number home with her because she didn’t expect to have her baby so soon.

And so I’ve been teaching those classes since then and will be until Channell returns about November 20 (earlier than expected because she left earlier than expected). I love it and have been getting great feedback. The principal comes around to all the classes every once in a while and evaluates each of the teachers. On September 7th she observed me and wrote:

“Students engaged – large group reading, discussion with ties to grammar and punctuation. Mr. D – You are doing an awesome job! The students are engaged in the instruction and you’re making it fun. Thanks for your professionalism and follow-through.”

I appreciated that. Then this past Thursday evening we had our annual open house for parents. At the assembly in the auditorium before everyone went to their kids’ classrooms to meet their teachers, she (Darlene, the principal) said that she wanted to specially recognize 2 of the teachers. I was the first one she mentioned. She said that I had stepped in on short notice and that the classes “haven’t skipped a beat.” It feels good to be getting that kind of recognition.

After the open house they had a barbecue. While we were standing in line waiting to get our food, I talked with Darlene for a bit and told her that I'm applying to the alternative teacher training program at Santa Fe Community College to become a regular teacher because I'm so excited about the AVID program and want to continue teaching it. She told me to come to her when I’ve started that, and they’ll give me a job. In NM I can get a provisional teaching license as soon as I’ve started the training program as long as I meet some other requirements. I'm investigating that now.

Briefly, AVID (Advancement Via Individual Determination) is a college preparatory (and life success) program for kids who want to go to college and don’t really have the background (and in most cases, the grades) for it. Few of them have family members who’ve been to college. Most of them have had fairly mediocre grades up until they join the program. Many of them don’t know much about what possibilities are open for them. And this program takes them and teaches them what it takes to succeed and encourages and pushes them to do it. As the teacher, I'm really a combination teacher, coach, cheerleader, advocate, taskmaster, and surrogate father for the kids. The results from AVID are remarkable. Did anyone see the 60 Minutes segment on AVID? One example from one of my classes: a young man from Mexico (most of my kids are Mexican Americans or some kind of Hispanic ethnically; all but a few of them speak Spanish as their first language) was getting C’s and D’s before AVID. Now he gets A’s and B’s. Nearly all of the kids who go through AVID actually do go to college.

I'll write separate messages about the AVID program and about the schools in Santa Fe because there’s quite a bit more that I have to say about them, and I don’t want this one to go on too much longer.

In early August I had to move out of the apartment I was subletting for the summer from a teacher who was away working on her master’s degree. (She works at Capital High School, too, and now we’re colleagues.) I found an apartment-sharing situation with a guy named Richard. He works as a singer and waiter at La Casa Sena Cantina. Antoinette and I saw him perform last winter when we went there for dinner and the show. I'm crowded into my room and am looking forward to the time when I can comfortably afford to live alone again (or with my romantic partner, which would be even better).

My phone number remains the same, as does my mailing address – the P.O. box. If you know me personally and want either (or both) of those, let me know.

Antoinette and I have both been having dental problems. She had to have a couple of wisdom teeth removed, and because she’s hypersensitive to the anesthetic, they had to put her completely out to do it. Consequently, I took a day off teaching to be with her and take care of her. In November she has to have another dental surgery procedure done. I feel terrible conflict about not being there for her for it because of how she was there so much for me during my major problems last winter.

As for me, I'm having some pain similar to what I had last winter, but not as severe. The dentist doesn’t know why. There’s no apparent reason for it. One possibility is that it’s a nerve problem. Some of you know that I had Bell’s palsy 10 or 12 years ago, and this could be something related to that. We shall see.

I bought a used desktop computer at a great price awhile back. It came totally infected with Trojans, viruses, worms, spyware, and every other kind of malware possible. I'm still working on clearing all of that off of it. Part of the reason I got it is that my tiny hard drive (6 GB) on my laptop is full. The combination of those 2 problems has interfered with my computer activities significantly. Hopefully, I'll be back to something like normal soon.

So, there you have a quick summary of the past 2 months. What’s new with you? Or, as the kids say, “Whassup?”

Michael

Working!

2005-07-24T22:35:00.000-06:00

I wrote earlier that I was scheduled to begin a job at LANL (Los Alamos National Labs) on Monday, July 18th – if I got a security clearance. Well, I guess they decided I'm secure enough to work there (and be watched moment-by-moment), but there were some delays, so they put off the beginning of the job. I was beginning to think that maybe it would all evaporate until they finally called me Tuesday afternoon to say we started work on Wednesday the 20th (my birthday).

For those of you who don’t know, Los Alamos is a 45-minute drive from Santa Fe. I had the option of driving myself and hoping I could find some people to carpool with or else to take the Park and Ride bus. When I checked it out, I had to leave 40 minutes earlier taking the bus than driving, and I couldn’t leave until 25 minutes after I was supposed to get off work. That swung it. I drove.

I expected to be working with a lot of 20somethings with no job skills. I was wrong. Most of the other guys are over 30, and one is probably over 65. There’s a computer programmer, a newspaper pre-press manager, and an 8th grade history teacher, among other “real” jobs they have or had. I’ve talked a lot with the teacher – in fact, he’s one of 2 guys that have ended up riding with me.

The first day of work the job reminded me some of working in movies – lots of hurry up and wait. We waited, in fact, most of the day, off and on. And when we did work, there wasn’t a whole lot of work to it. We mainly just pushed big computer cabinets (about the size of refrigerators) around, getting them to the place where we’d (the next day) begin to install the computer system. The next day (Thursday) was more work and more satisfying when we actually began to wire up the system.

The other main thing that stands out to me to write about is the security measures. I’ve never before seen such security measures. We have escorts with higher security clearances who go with us everywhere and who can’t let us out of their sight even for a moment. If one of us needs to go to the rest room, several of us have to go with an escort. There are places where we have to sign in to get through a locked door, then sign again when we’ve gotten through and get a badge to wear. A good part of the time, we were wearing 3 different badges. And there are lots of places with artificial lines that can’t be crossed, so one team pushes the cabinets just over the line without crossing it themselves, and another team takes them from there into the elevator. Then another team takes them out of the elevator to a door, and a fourth team takes them from that door to where they belong. There’s more, but I don’t want to write for pages about this.

I was led to expect a fairly steady 3 days per week (Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday) for 8 hours per day at $18 per hour for 5 or 6 weeks. However, it hasn’t turned out that way at all. The first week we worked Wednesday 7 ½ hours and Thursday 6 ½ hours. Then we found out that something wasn’t working right, so we weren’t working Friday and maybe next week at all. Then when I took my time card in on Friday, I was told that maybe we’d start working again this coming Thursday. Or things could change again. It’s definitely an exercise in being flexible. But the money is good.

So, tomorrow I'm letting the temp agencies know that I'm available until further notice. It would be nice to get something else for Tuesday and Wednesday if we aren’t working at LANL again until Thursday.

By the way, I also applied for a part-time concierge job at the St. Francis Hotel this past Tuesday. I’d love to have it, and I haven’t heard anything at all, so I'm not feeling hopeful. I need to get back to doing my own work, too. And, of course, school and substitute teaching begins again toward the end of August.

And, of course, there are auditions and casting calls. More about that in my acting blog.

Namaste,
Michael

My birthday

2005-07-24T18:06:00.000-06:00

My birthday was last Wednesday (the 20th). Another milestone passed. Another year to add to the count. I'm now 59 years old chronologically. Can you believe it? I can’t. I still feel like I'm 35 or 40, and most people guess me to be 10 or 15 years younger than I am. I'm sure my Real Age is less than that, too. But, I have been on earth 59 years and a few days now. I'm recalling what my friend and former sister-in-law Barbara said the year she turned 50. Lots of people told her she didn’t look anywhere near 50. She replied, “Yes, I do. This is what 50 looks like.” But age prejudice is really strong in this country – at least among the white culture. So, a lot of the time I prefer not to tell people how old I am. They have images of 59 that more accurately fit my parents than me.

Anyway, it was a good day. I worked all day at LANL making $18 per hour (more about that in another message), and it was a very light workday. That felt like an unusual birthday gift, but a birthday gift nonetheless. The opportunity to work and make some money is truly a wonderful gift.

Then I went over to Antoinette’s house. She had some gifts for me and a custom-made cake from Whole Foods – one of my favorite kinds. We drank a Martinelli’s toast and then went to dinner at Vanessie’s. It’s a restaurant she’d been to for a concierge party, but I’d never been there. She had a gift certificate that they’d given her for $100, so we did our best to eat exactly $100 worth of food. Each of us had an appetizer (I had shrimp cocktail). We shared a Caesar salad, 2 entrees (ahi tuna and halibut), garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus, and a piece of fabulous chocolate cake. The tab came to $100.03. Pretty good, huh? Then we went back to her house, and each of us ate a small piece of my birthday cake. We were stuffed, and I had enough leftovers for dinner the next day, not to mention enough cake for several days.

I noticed something important. I felt disappointed that more people didn’t acknowledge my birthday. That renewed my commitment to acknowledge the birthdays of other people I care about. It really doesn’t take much time for me to do, and it seems to me like it’s worth a lot more than the little bit of time and effort I put into it. So, if I know your birthday, I'm pledging to acknowledge it in some way when the day comes. And I'm going to see if I can’t find out some more birthdates, too.

Warmly,
Michael

Did you see me?

2005-07-23T09:37:00.000-06:00

Did you see me in episode 6 of “Into the West”? I was very visible in this one. If you want to know more, read my acting blog at http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com. Besides information about how to find me, there’s some interesting trivia about one of the scenes in the movie that I think is significant.

I think ITW has been outstanding, and I hope they decide to turn it into a series. There was talk about that on the set all along. What do you think? If you agree, I encourage you to call, write, or email TNT asking for more.

If you don’t get TNT or for some other reason haven’t seen ITW, the DVDs come out in October.

Michael

My power color

2005-07-17T16:57:00.000-06:00

My power color

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest:
You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you.

At Your Lowest:
You require a lot of attention and praise.

In Love:
You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.

How You're Attractive:
You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.

Your Eternal Question:
"Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's your power color? See:
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourpowercolorquiz

Back-dated entries

2005-07-16T15:51:00.000-06:00

I’ve posted and back-dated 7 entries that I wrote while I was offline: 6/29 (1), 7/3 (2), 7/5 (2), and 7/6 (2). If you’re interested, you may want to go back and look at them.

Michael

Where was I?

2005-07-16T15:49:00.000-06:00

Did you watch episode 4 of “Into the West” and wonder where I was? Well, I was there. I saw myself. If you want to know more, read my acting blog at http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com.

By the way, I think ITW has been excellent. What do you think?

Michael

Self-testing

2005-07-10T12:06:00.000-06:00

For anyone interested in an alternative to muscle testing for testing yourself for whether something is good for you or not:

http://www.ladybarbara.net/Self-testing.htm

Michael

Still laughing

2005-07-10T12:04:00.000-06:00

I don’t post a lot of jokes, but this one still has me laughing, so I will post it. I received it from one of my ministry email lists.

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"Dear Lord," the minister said and he began a prayer with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment a little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.

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I hope you enjoy it, too.

Michael

Back online

2005-07-10T12:01:00.000-06:00

I'm finally back online after nearly 2 weeks of not having internet service. Did you notice? If you tried to email me during that time and had it returned, please try again.

The good news is that I wrote a lot during the past 2 weeks. I have some things I'll send out and post later today.

Michael

Give and take

2005-07-06T16:03:00.000-06:00

Someone said that they think I'm a taker, a “mooch.” That concerns me because that isn’t my intention at all. Maybe it’s just their perception based on their unique history, and I want to respond to it anyway.

I’ve been in a period in which money has been a big challenge for me. That means that other things have also been a challenge for me because in this physical world nearly everything requires money. Consequently, I’ve made requests from people to help me in a variety of ways. Asking isn’t easy for me. I was coached to do so, though, and so I’ve stepped out on faith and asked. I still feel guilty and embarrassed about it, though. I prefer to be the giver rather than the receiver. If I could have lived my life in a way that I’ve always given and never needed any help, I’d be perfectly happy. Maybe being in a position that I’ve needed to request assistance and to accept it has been a spiritual lesson for me. I don’t know.

In the past I’ve sometimes been the one who was in a position to give with little coming back. Several examples: At one time I dated a woman who wasn’t making much money. She had a couple of kids, and her ex wasn’t coming through with child support. I paid for things we did together, and I also gave her money (at least $100) every month. I never asked for any of it back, even when she broke up with me. At other times I’ve let people stay at my house for free for as long as they needed to be there. One of those houses was a group house I lived in for a while where I don’t think there was a night when there weren’t extra people staying there. (That was the “old days” in Berkeley, and ours was a “crash pad.”) Another time I met a woman who was visiting some friends. She was sick and had little money, so I took her to the local inexpensive clinic and paid for her meds. I never received or asked for the money back even though I was a working student and didn’t have a whole lot of money, either. And finally, I can’t possibly count the number of people who I’ve helped move just because they needed the help, not for any reward.

I see that part of the issue is that I'm an old hippie who still carries some of the values from his hippie past. The ideal was “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” and “we’re all feeding each other” (as Wavy Gravy said at Woodstock – by the way, I met Wavy Gravy when I lived in Berkeley). I like being in the position that I can take care of (feed) anyone who has a need. I wish I had enough money to get everyone living on the streets into some kind of housing (if they want it, of course). On many more than one occasion, I’ve been called a “bleeding heart liberal.”

I belong to a group called “Santa Fe FreeCycle” that operates on the “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” principle. People ask for what they need and offer what they have. All transactions have to be gifts. I’ve given away several things and so far have received nothing from anyone in the group. I'm still willing to give what I can. I know that things return to us when we give what we have with an open hand and an open heart. They may not come back from the person we gave something to, but they come back from somewhere.

We (old hippies) also held the value of “paying it forward” long before that movie came out or the term was coined. Whenever someone did something for us or gave us something, we passed along the kindness to someone else to keep it moving. One day years ago I was in a pizza place, and a couple didn’t have enough money to pay for their pizza. I gave them the money. When he asked for my address to send it back to me, I said, “Just do something kind for someone else.” I still do that when I can.

Anyway, recently I’ve done my best to maintain a balance of giving and receiving, even though most of my giving hasn’t been financial. Whenever I made requests, I also made offers. For example, this paragraph is from the message I sent and posted on March 12: “I'm quite aware that I need to be in the flow of both giving and receiving. So, what can I do to contribute something to you? Can I pray for you? Can I do some kind of task that will make a difference to you? Limitations are that I need to be able to take a break or stop whenever I need to because of pain, that I can’t talk too much on the phone, and that it can’t be anything overly physical right now. Please let me know if there’s some way I can help you. I care about you and your well-being.”

Despite my financial difficulties, I’ve given things away – donations to Goodwill, a telephone and answering machine to a friend, a desk to a stranger who needed it, and more.

I’ve also given a lot of gratitude, though I admit that in a few cases I’ve neglected to say “thank you” to specific people for specific gifts in an appropriately timely manner. I think I’ve apologized to all of them and have expressed my gratitude.

With some people I’ve made trade arrangements. With one person I agreed to do work around the house in return for a place to stay. Then I did more than I was asked to do and was told that I did a better job than the owner would have done himself.

With another person I agreed to take care of her cats whenever needed for free forever in return for a place to stay. I think we were both satisfied with that arrangement at the time. Now I think it needs to be renegotiated, so I will.

Whenever I’ve stayed at anyone’s place, I’ve done my best not to overly impact their space. I’ve been quiet and considerate, tried to be noticed as little as possible, and have cleaned up after myself as well as I could.

When someone loaned me a car, I put more gas back in it than I used – not necessarily each time I drove it, but overall.

Whenever someone offered to pray for me, I’ve also prayed for them – and for other people I knew could use it.

With Antoinette I’ve done my best to be as helpful to her in every way I possibly could that didn’t involve money. When I have had a little money, I’ve contributed what I could. I'm way behind on repaying her because she’s given me so much and I’ve had so little, and I will catch up as quickly as I can.

With everyone, I’ve just written my plan for paying everyone back and contributing even more to them than they have to me.

That’s my intention – to always give more than I receive. I haven’t always been able to do that immediately. However, it’s always my intention to do so as soon as I'm able.

Given that, I'm open to the possibility that some people feel like I haven’t given enough back. If that’s true, then it’s probably because I haven’t been able to give back yet, and I will as soon as possible. If anyone feels like I’ve taken too much from you without offering enough in return, please let me know, and I'll do whatever I can to more than satisfy you as soon as I'm capable of doing that.

There are a few people who I know I need to talk with to complete something, and I'm beginning to do that now.

I'll finish this by stating my intention one last time. I intend to give back to everyone who has helped me more than I’ve received – either by giving you money or by doing something else for you that feels like a more than equivalent exchange. Just let me know what I can do for you.

And, of course, I also intend to pay your kindness forward.

Michael Dickerson Deluno

My plan

2005-07-06T16:01:00.000-06:00

Antoinette says I often don’t communicate things, that I just think them. Sometimes she’s right. I have a lot going on in my head that never comes out in talk or on paper. It isn’t that I don’t want to communicate. I seldom make a decision not to communicate something. Sometimes it just doesn’t occur to me to put what I have in my mind out into the physical world. As I’ve said repeatedly, I am an introvert no matter how public my life may seem and no matter how easy it may appear for me to talk with people. Writing these messages is, in fact, an exercise in getting what’s in my thoughts out into physical form.

I have a plan for giving back everything that’s been loaned and given to me – and more. I usually think about this in conjunction with my fantasies of winning Powerball, but it isn’t something I'll do only if I win the lottery. It will just take longer and be less impressive than if I win many millions of dollars all at once. I know that significant amounts of money are coming to me somehow. I don’t know exactly for what or when, and I'm sure it will happen. Maybe I'll get a big part in a movie. Maybe I'll sell a screenplay to a major movie producer. Maybe I'll publish a best-selling book. Maybe all of those will be true. Or maybe something else will be. But whatever happens, whenever it happens, lots of other people will benefit.

I'll put this out as intentions because I know the power of intentions.

I AM a magnet for money, and I intend to bring in a large ongoing income and/or windfall of money.

I intend to contribute at least 10% of what comes to me to my spiritual teachers and nurturers – and there are many of them.

I intend to pay back everything I owe to anyone and more. For people who have loaned me money, I intend to return what they’ve loaned me plus interest plus a “gratitude bonus.”

I intend to contribute to people who’ve generously given me things – money, places to stay, food, and everything else. I'll give them significantly more than they gave me in gratitude for their unselfish generosity.

Here’s my specific plan for Antoinette. Scenario 1, if I suddenly come into a large sum of money (win Powerball, sell a screenplay, etc.): I intend to pay her back everything she’s loaned me plus interest. I intend to give her a large amount of money in gratitude for everything she’s done for me. I intend to pay for everything we share – food, movies, restaurants, plays, gasoline, travel, etc. – for the rest of our lives (unless she chooses to give me a gift occasionally). And I intend to buy her a condo of her choice. Then she can either live in it or rent it.

Scenario 2, if the money comes in over time: I intend to do everything I said in scenario 1 over time and as I'm able to do according to my income. I'm eager to do for her more than she’s done for me.

And the same is true for everyone who has been kind or helpful to me in any way at any time in my life. I'm eager to, and I intend to, give back more than they’ve given me.

Furthermore, I intend to pass the generosity along. That means that I'll give to people who are in need in gratitude for and in the name of the people who’ve given to me when I was in need.

To everyone who has helped me in any way: I remember who you are, and I'll remember who you are for the rest of my life.

This is my sacred agreement with God and with everyone concerned. And so it is.

Michael Dickerson Deluno

First temp job offer

2005-07-05T16:00:00.000-06:00

One of the temp agencies called me today to offer me my first temp job (other than substitute teaching). I had been beginning to wonder if any of them would ever have a job for me.

The job is 3 days per week for 6 weeks beginning July 18. Even though it’s only 3 days per week, they’re paying $18 per hour, so I’d be making the equivalent of almost $11 per hour for 40 hours. If you aren’t aware of wages in Santa Fe, that’s pretty good pay for here. I live in a place where we have notoriously low wages and high cost of living.

The job is assembling computers at the Los Alamos National Labs, so I'll have to get a security clearance. After all my anti-war activities in my youth, I don’t know if they’ll give me one or not. We’ll see.

I still need more work to come in – something right away and something for 2 more days per week if I get to do that job. I'm supposed to keep calling this agency every day. I'm also calling the other agencies regularly.

And I'm still looking for full-time possibilities. I put in for another job last Friday.

I keep knowing that whatever is right for me is coming soon.

Michael

My relationship with Antoinette

2005-07-05T15:57:00.000-06:00

My relationship with Antoinette still has its ups and downs and ons and offs. Since yesterday evening it’s been in another of its offs. Every time she breaks up with me I think it’s the final time. Up to now it hasn’t been. Is this the last time?

She told me a couple of weeks ago that if I don’t have my work and money situation together by August 1, she was going to terminate our relationship. Last Wednesday she went to the first session of a group to “help her get out of the relationship.”

I understand her being dissatisfied with my financial struggles. I'm dissatisfied with them, too. I think I’ve been a little depressed about it lately – waking up really early in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep. I hate the insecurity of not having enough money for everything I need with some left over to play with. I hate not being able to pay back all the money people have loaned and given me yet. And I hate not being able to contribute to the people I care about and the ones who’ve helped me.

On the other hand, I have been taking steps to remedy the situation. It just hasn’t happened quickly enough to satisfy either one of us.

I wish she’d hang in there with me while I get myself stabilized financially, and that’s up to her to decide. She’s already been through a lot with me – health problems, my not being able to work, not getting work when I can work, car problems, housing problems, needing help financially – and she’s been incredibly supportive nearly all the time. That’s a lot. I acknowledge it, and I'm enormously grateful to her for it. This wasn’t what she thought she was signing up for when she got into our relationship. I feel extremely regretful about that. I want us to enjoy our lives together, not to be a burden on her. And I acknowledge that I have been a burden on her for too long.

I'm changing things in my life. I just don’t know if it will happen soon enough to make a difference to her.

I wonder what the spiritual significance of all of this is. I know there must be some kind of important lesson or karmic experience. I'm at a loss, though, regarding what it is. Perhaps I’ve been too focused on getting beyond it and moving on to a new experience to notice.

Michael

Creativity flowing

2005-07-03T15:55:00.000-06:00

My creativity seems to be really flowing this weekend. I think it was constricted for a long time. I'm writing, creating business projects, thinking of new opportunities, and more. Today I FEEL like an actor and a writer. See my acting blog (http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com) and my writing blog (http://davidlancer.blogspot.com) for more about that.

And I FEEL like I'm prosperous, just waiting for the money to appear. I picked up an old penny from the ground this afternoon and said my usual thing that I do whenever I find money or money comes into my life in any way: “I am a money magnet. Thank You, God. Thank You, than You, thank You.” The difference this time was that I really FELT like it’s true. I AM a money magnet.

Do you want to come to the celebration?

Creatively,
Michael

Concierge benefits

2005-07-03T15:54:00.000-06:00

There are some great benefits for being a concierge – and for dating one.

This past Thursday evening Antoinette and I went to the Santa Fe Playhouse to see Showtime Santa Fe’s “Partners in Rhyme: A Musical Revue of Cool Collaborators” for free. They gave her 2 tickets ($56 value), hoping, of course, that she would recommend the show to the guests at the Eldorado Hotel. We thoroughly enjoyed it, and I'm sure she is recommending it. It was a revue of songs for musical theater by composing duos Rodgers and Hammerstein, Comden and Green, Hoffman and Gasman, Kander and Ebb, Harnick and Bock, and Maltby and Shire. Don’t know who some of those composers are? We didn’t until they told us some of the productions they’ve composed music for. Look them up if you care.

Then Friday evening we ate dinner at the O’Keeffe Café (next door to the O’Keeffe Museum) using a $100 gift certificate they had given her. Our tab came to $98.36, and all we had to pay was a tip for the waiter. It was excellent.

Over the past 13 months since she started her job at the Eldorado, we’ve gone to quite a few great Santa Fe restaurants for free (except the tip) or at significant discounts, and we’ve attended some outstanding events (Maria Benitez Teatro Flamenco – both the adult company and the youth company, Santa Fe Chamber Music Festival, and Santa Fe Playhouse’s production of “Self-Made Men” immediately come to mind) also for free. We have other things coming up in the future, too.

I'm grateful to the businesses that have given her those opportunities, to the hotel for giving her a job that attracted the gifts, and, of course, to Antoinette for choosing to take me along with her.

Besides those gifts, Antoinette also gets to go to anywhere between 2 and 4 concierge-only parties each month. At those she gets free food (sometimes hors d’oeuvres, sometimes full meals) and to see galleries, take train rides, etc. At one of the parties she won a drawing for a $500 gift certificate at a Canyon Road shop called Nathalie’s.

I think being a concierge is a great job for benefits. Actually, I think it’s a great job on the whole. I applied for a job as a concierge at Bishop’s Lodge because of that. So far I haven’t heard anything from them, though.

Oh, I almost neglected to say that before we went to the O’Keeffe Café, we went to the free Friday evening at the O’Keeffe Museum and saw the “Georgia O’Keeffe and Andy Warhol: Flowers of Distinction” exhibit. I'm not especially an Andy Warhol fan, but I'm glad we went. I haven’t been to the O’Keeffe Museum since 1997 when I was here visiting and they were having their Grand Opening.

If Antoinette is generous enough to include me, there are more outstanding restaurants, activities, and events coming up. Santa Fe is a fabulous place for food and things to do. I'm looking forward to it.

Michael

News

2005-06-29T15:52:00.000-06:00

I have good news, uncertain news, and not-so-good news. I wonder what it would be like to have only good news to report. I'm willing to find out.

Here’s the best news: I went to both the dentist and the urologist on Tuesday, June 14, and I got heartening reports from both of them. My emergency dental work is finished. Now I just need to get an exam and cleaning and see what else might need to be taken care of before it becomes another emergency. The urologist said that my prostate has shrunken significantly. Apparently the medication I'm taking is working. He also said that there’s research that suggests that this medication also reduces the chances that I'll get prostate cancer. So, I'm feeling great about my physical health.

I'm pleased with the way things are going with my acting career. I keep making progress. I shot a couple of days on the movie “Bordertown” with Jennifer Lopez and Martin Sheen last week. I'm writing a separate newsletter about that for anyone who wants to follow my acting career more closely. See http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com. If you’d like to receive that newsletter in your email, let me know and I'll put you on the list. By the way, the name I use for my acting career is Michael John Gabriel.

On Tuesday, May 31, I moved into the apartment that I found for the summer. I like it here. I only get to be here for another month and a half or so, but it’s great for now.

I'm renting another car from another friend with the option to buy it within 6 months. I'm relieved that I have a well-functioning car to get to work and wherever else I need to go. Six months of car problems is more than enough for me. All tolled, I lost somewhere in the vicinity of $1000 in income (and maybe more) from not being able to get to jobs that I was offered (or actually had) because I didn’t have a working car. The “maybe more” is because I might have been offered more days in “Into the West” and “Wildfire” if I had been able to make it to the calls I had to miss.

I reported before that I substitute taught at DeVargas Middle School for the end of the school year, replacing a social studies teacher who was out having a baby. That was an adventure. Kids in middle school in the Santa Fe School District aren’t like the kids I went to junior high school with all those years ago in Prairie Village, KS. (For the record and anyone who cares, it was Indian Hills Junior High School.) Most of them really didn’t want to be there. Of course, it was the end of the year, so that explains part of that. But regular teachers have told me that it’s true in general. It makes me question teaching. I really want to teach kids who want to learn, not ones who have no interest. Maybe I should be teaching advanced placement classes or electives like drama. It’s a challenge to even work with the kids who want to learn because the others are being so disruptive. I did get a bit attached to some of the kids after being with them for a couple of weeks, though. I felt sad the last day of school.

Kelly Services, which had the contract to handle substitute teacher assignments, pretty much guaranteed that I'd get summer jobs through them. So far I haven’t gotten one call from them, let alone a job. And I’ve been in to see them 5 or 6 times. This has undermined my impression of Kelly Services. I relied on them, and they didn’t come through. Not only that, they haven’t acknowledged that they haven’t kept their word or even communicated anything about it at all.

In the meantime, I’ve applied for several full and part-time jobs. I was interviewed for one of them, but then the person who was leaving the job decided to stay for a couple more months. At least that’s what they told me. We’ll see if the job is posted again before long or if I'm called for a second interview. I haven’t gotten interviews for any of the rest of them yet. There’s one that I’d particularly like to have. We’ll see what happens. I'm surprised at how many jobs I apply for that they never reply to me at all, not even to tell me they’ve hired someone else. When I was hiring people, I always let people know that I had received their application and that I had hired someone else.

I’ve been considering all kinds of jobs. That means that I'm also considering what’s really important to me. For example, is it really important that I like my work? Which is more important, liking my work or making a lot of money? Should I take a job that I’d be ashamed to tell people I was doing, even if I made a lot of money doing it? I haven’t resolved any of those questions satisfactorily.

I’ve also been considering 3 training programs: the teacher certification program, the film crew training program, and real estate sales classes. I have some interest in all 3 of those, and there are advantages to all of them. But each of them also has disadvantages. I wish I could use the standard of “what would I do if I didn’t need the money?” But I do need the money, so that clouds the issue for me.

I'm also applying to do temporary work with agencies other than Kelly Services. That will give me some income and lots of flexibility. I had an interview with Group Powell One Tuesday, and it went very well. They loved my test scores. We’ll see what comes of it. I had another interview yesterday with Santa Fe Services, and they loved me, too, and said they were immediately putting me into their computer. I had a third interview today with Excel Staffing. 3 for 3. They loved me, too, and want to use my availability in their advertising campaign. “This is the kind of temporary employee we have available.” The woman I talked with said I had the highest score on their computer test of anyone she’s seen. And I’ve learned that I type about 50 wpm with minimal errors. Marcia Owen Associates and Career First haven’t returned my calls yet following up on sending them my resume. That leaves me questioning their professionalism.

So, because I haven’t gotten the jobs through Kelly that I thought I would, money is still a major challenge for me. At the moment I'm writing this, my internet service has been turned off until I can pay my bill, and I don’t have money for rent. I'm eagerly looking forward to the time when money is no longer scarce in my life. That’s the reason making a lot of money is one of the considerations I have for jobs. I'm tired of living on the edge financially. I'm ready and eager to pay back the people who’ve helped me, to pay off all my debts, to contribute more to people and organizations, and to feel prosperous. When that comes about, then I'll just work for the joy and the contribution I make. I'll keep saying it: I have faith that I am naturally a magnet for money and that well-being and abundance are flowing into my life now. I know that all of my financial challenges are just temporary conditions and that I’m getting ready for something wonderful. I expect only the best. Thank You, God, in advance for the resources that I know are flowing to me now. (If you get tired of reading my saying that, you might want to check your own prosperity consciousness.)

I’d like to publicly express my enormous gratitude to Antoinette for all the help and support she has given me all along. She is an angel and deserves (and will receive) magnificent rewards.

As always, I wish all of you abundant happiness, health, love, inner peace, spiritual awakening, success, prosperity, and everything else that you desire.

Swimming in the flow of all abundance (no matter how it may appear in the moment),
Michael

If you'd like to follow my acting career

2005-06-16T18:12:00.000-06:00

This past Sunday evening I read several roles in a staged reading of a screenplay called “Blah Blah Blah.” Today I was called to appear in “Bordertown” with Jennifer Lopez and Antonio Banderas.

From now on I won’t write much here about my acting career. If you’re interested in knowing more about it, see the blog written by my acting alter ego, Michael John Gabriel:
http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com

I’ve already written a message about what happened with me before and after the reading of “Blah Blah Blah.”

This blog/journal/letter will be about my other, non-acting life.

Michael

Staged Reading 6/12/05

2005-06-11T13:28:00.000-06:00

I'll be reading several of the roles in this staged reading. If you're in the Santa Fe area, please come and enjoy some laughs.

Michael
------------
Two Men, One Mind, One Way Out.

Please Attend a Staged Reading of "Blah Blah Blah"a Screenplay Comedy About What Really Matters Most in Life,(And What Doesn't.)

"Funny, Poignant, Witty and Long-Winded, Blah Blah Blah is a Masterwork. I Ought to Know- I Wrote It"- Charlie Poe

See It On the Stage Before You See It On the Screen

7:00
Sunday, June 12
Santa Fe Playhouse
142 E. DeVargas
988-4262
Pay What You Wish

See me in Into the West

2005-06-03T15:07:00.000-06:00

As you probably already know, I'm in the movie Into the West, a 6-week mini-series produced by TNT. (Steven Spielberg is Executive Producer.) Here’s some information about it and about how to find me. (Note that any or all of my scenes could end up being cut out of the movie by the editor.)

If you’d like to see a couple of still photos of me (and a few other people) from the movie, email me and ask for them.

Is this Spiritual Cinema? You decide for yourself. I think it is for a variety of reasons. We can talk about it after it’s been shown, if you’d like.

Let me know if you watch it. I think it’s going to be great (and not just because I'm in it).

If you know of anyone else who might like to have this information, feel free to pass it along to them.

Warmly,
Michael Dickerson Deluno

Into the West takes place throughout the 1800s and is the story of the movement of white settlers from the east into the west and the clash of cultures that occurs between the white folks and the Indians. It is told from the points of view of one white family and one Lakota Sioux family. As they interact, the 2 families intermarry. This is supposed to be the most accurate portrayal of what really happened that has ever been filmed. It isn’t like any Western you’ve ever seen, and I don’t even call it a Western.

To learn a lot about Into the West, see the web site: http://intothewest.com

Into the West Schedule:
The movie will be shown on TNT (whatever channel that is on your system in your area; in Santa Fe on cable, it’s channel 28).
Apparently every episode will be shown 5 times in a weekend. Check your TV schedule to confirm the information below.
e= Eastern time, p= Pacific time, c= Central time, m= Mountain time

Episode 1: Wheel to the Stars (filmed in Alberta, Canada):
Friday, June 10 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
Saturday, June 11 – 8 e,p/7 c,m
Sunday, June 12 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
I am NOT in this episode.

Episode 2: Manifest Destiny (filmed in Alberta, Canada):
Friday, June 17 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
Saturday, June 18 – 8 e,p/7 c,m
Sunday, June 19 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
I am NOT in this episode.

Episode 3: Dreams & Schemes (filmed in Alberta, Canada):
Friday, June 24 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
Saturday, June 25 – 8 e,p/7 c,m
Sunday, June 26 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
I am NOT in this episode.

Episode 4: Hell on Wheels (filmed in New Mexico):
Friday, July 8 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
Saturday, July 9 – 8 e,p/7 c,m
Sunday, July 10 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
In this episode, look for me as:
1. One of the Irish railroad workers. There may be close-ups of me, especially during the scene when Chinese railroad workers are setting dynamite on the mountainside. A close-up of me was shot during that scene anyway. One of the photos I can email you is of that scene. The other was also while I was playing this character.
2. A townsperson in North Platte. I'll be in the background a lot. You may see me greeting people as they get off the train, walking around town, standing and watching Custer’s cavalry riding up to the saloon, etc.
3. A drunk in the saloon. I get dragged off the stage by the ear by a woman who is playing my wife. That will probably be in the background.
4. A railroad dignitary at the Promontory Point ceremonies when the eastern and western railroads meet and the golden spike is driven. I'm just off to the right (their right) of the principals (described in the next sentence) during the spike driving ceremony. When the photo is taken of the 2 trains with all the people in front of them, I am directly behind Glen Powell Jr. (Jackson Wheeler), a blond young man who plays one of the Wheeler family (the white settlers), and to the left of Lance Henrikson who plays Glen’s father and who is one of the main characters at that point in the film.

Episode 5: Casualties of War (filmed in New Mexico):
Friday, July 15 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
Saturday, July 16 – 8 e,p/7 c,m
Sunday, July 17 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
I am NOT in this episode.

Episode 6: Ghost Dance (filmed in New Mexico):
Friday, July 22 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
Saturday, July 23 – 8 e,p/7 c,m
Sunday, July 24 – 8 e,p/7 c,m; 10 e,p/9 c,m
In this episode, look for me as:
1. A foot soldier approaching and entering the Pine Ridge Reservation.
2. A soldier at the Pine Ridge Reservation. Especially look for me guarding the Indians who are being returned to the reservation by the Buffalo soldiers and again guarding the Indians who are concerned when they hear the sounds of the shooting going on at Wounded Knee.
3. A freighter (someone who carries dead bodies) all through the “clean-up” of the Wounded Knee massacre. In the scene when Margaret Light Shines (I think that’s who it is) is walking the field looking at all the bodies at Wounded Knee, look for me crossing the screen carrying a body with another of the freighters. During the scene when all the bodies are being buried in a big hole, look for me digging in the big pile of dirt to the right of the hole. I'll also be in the background carrying bodies a lot.